Conference quark::human_relations-v1

RE: .0

>>Before she left she told me to tell Kelly she was sorry for being so 
>>sensitive. 

	Hmmm...that sounds like that should have settled it.  If she apologized,
	then any more comments on the subject might invoke more hard feelings...

	...and, you'd be showing that you're just as sensitive as she is.

	IMHO, the additional grief isn't worth mentioning it to her.  There's
	the possibility that they'll interpret the message in the wrong way
	and not have anything to do with you in the future.  It wouldn't be
	your fault, but that could be a result.

	B.

	PS: The next time her husband harrasses you about not being a born-again
	    Christian, ask him why he didn't get it right the first time. :-):-)

    
    
    	I agree, you should just leave it. Although I do think she should 
    	have spoken to Kelly herself before she left. It sounds like she 
    	might be jealous of your size (compared to hers) and who would 
    	notice that difference more than Kelly?? She must be very sensitive
    	about it, maybe she just needs some understanding. Sisters can be
    	difficult, esp jealous ones...I know - I haven't spoken to mine
    	civilly in about two years! 
    
    	Sherry
     

Well, I think I can see where Debbie may have been coming from.  If someone
said to her "you seem to have lost weight", by implication that person
thought she was heavier before.  For someone who is sensitive about their
weight, or perhaps thinks that they didn't really lose but instead look
worse, they may think that the person is not being sincere.  I know I've had
people tell me that they thought I lost weight when I was sure I had gained
it, and though I didn't take it as an insult, it made me feel uncomfortable.
(But feel free to tell me I've lost weight now because I have!)

I wouldn't read too much into this particular event.

			Steve

Brenda, I know EXACTLY what you're going through.  My older 
sister lives in Florida, she also has three children to my 
none, and has changed religions.  I went through all of the
preaching stuff and, the net affect is that it caused a
great deal of hard feelings all around.

It's taken a long time, but my sister and I are now attempting
to get closer and the whole KEY to getting along is that we
both respect that each of us are different and have our various
opinions and beliefs.  I think that perhaps your family's
relationship with your sister, like mine, was strained because
of the change in religion.  I also think that your sister
(like mine) feels 'left out' because the rest of us are
really close.  The result is over sensitivity.  She thinks
everyone is being critical of her.

My sister and I now get along because each of us takes the
extra time and makes the extra effort to insure that we don't
'accidentally' step on each other.  This is important.  My
sister is a good person; I'm a good person - we just don't
exist on the same level of awareness.  Our 'pact' is that
we agree to disagree and we agree to respect each other for
our respective feelings and beliefs.  Over the last couple
of years, we have begun to get a lot closer as a result.

Don't point fingers to what her husband did or did not do;
at some level this is just petty stuff which will only
accelerate the problem.  Rise above all the b.s., conduct
yourself with integrity, and everything will eventually
work itself out.

Chris

    two years ago, I was 187 lbs and 5 feet tall.....talk about
    obese....now I'm still 5 fet tall, but 114 lbs.
    
    And let me tell you, I LOVE it when people say things about my weight
    loss...some of my close friends can even get away with telling me that
    I was soooooo fat before....can you imagine?
    
    ANyway, this sounds like Debbie's problem, not yours or Kellys...this
    girl needs some of her own self esteem...you know the deal, if you
    don't love yourself, you don't expect anyone else to, and since that
    seems to always be the case, she's probably very sensitive about the
    situation.
    
    I agree with everyone else...leave it alone...it will right itself, or
    there is more to it than just Kelly's comment.
    
    JayCee
    

    Whenever I compliment someone on their weight loss I mean it as how
    terrific they look whether they are 5lbs overweight (who could tell) or
    more. However, some people are very sensitive about their weight and it
    sounds like she hears a lot about her weight from other people (and
    maybe even from herself in a manner of speaking).  It might be a good
    idea not to mention her weight at all until she brings it up, if ever,
    when she feels comfortable about it.  Or she might lose more weight and
    ask you later why you didn't say anything and you could say something
    like you look terrific but I didn't know if I should mention it.  Also
    to mend things now if you want to you might throw in the towel and call
    her and let her know your husband's intentions were good and again not
    bring her weight up again.  If she cannot accept that then back off and
    wait for her to come around.  I agree with Steve, let the rest pass. 
    I find it best to keep a disagreement to the specific topic and more
    effective.  The trick is to say things when they come up, not later,
    and I still have trouble doing that myself.  Good luck.

The question really is HAD she lost weight?  Was it really obvious? Or was Kelly
just trying to be kind...

I have been on a diet (haha!) for about 2 years... people that know me know I've
got no willpower and just don't notice /say anything - when I look good they
say things like "That dress suits you" or "You look smart today"...

Some people though say "You've lost weight"... now being a dietaholic I know
exactly what my weight is - it hasn't changed in a year... sometimes I think
people are just saying it and it is SO patronising... far better just to say
"You look good"... then if I had lost weight leave it to ME to say "I've lost
weight"...

The other thing I find is that if you are told you've lost weight then its a
compliment (or should be) but when you are convinced its patronising you can't
say anything cos you'd be being mean if you were nasty about a compliment
wouldn't you?  That is until someone in your family says it - then the family
gets the whole of your frustration...

I think this might be one of these times when the lesson is "Don't say it if 
its not true".

One of my (very thing) friends said to me "You're really lucky, I never know
whether guys are just after my body or whether they like ME as a person, you
know they like you, cos you've got a great personality"  Hows that for a 
compliment???


Xtine_one_day_I_might_stick_to_it!
Xtine

Just another thought...

>   Whenever I compliment someone on their weight loss I mean it as how
    terrific they look whether they are 5lbs overweight (who could tell) or
    more. 

I have also said this when I think someone looks drastic, thin, drawn etc...
I think the problem here is equating losing weight to looking good...

I think the rule is only say "Have you lost weight" if you mean "Have you lost
weight"... if you mean "You look good" then just say it!



Xtine

    
    I don't reply  often in this file, but this one struck me.  6'2",
    140lbs....folks, that is rather on the slim side.  I am 5'9", 134 lbs
    with a small frame and people think I look TOO thin!  Maybe part of the
    sensitivity here is something I deal with.
    
    I CAN'T gain weight and haven't been able to for years.  Granted,
    sounds like a real tough problem.  Yet, it can be.  There is definitely
    more to the reaction here than the weight.
    
    I would wonder if there isn't something deeper, maybe physical or
    emotional that is keeping the weight at such a low point for someone
    6'2".  At 5'9", I can carry 140 lbs and still look skinny.  My ideal
    weight (according to charts and doctors IS 140).  Now, add 5 inches..
    
    Just some thoughts.
    

    Remarking about someones weight is seems always a touchy subject. I am
    extremely thin, and got the remarks all my life, most of them are
    complimentary but sometimes I will get a winner.  I used to be
    sensitive of it but now I dont care. A lot of people do care, since
    this society is so wieght concious.  Your husband made a compliment to
    her, but did he say it sarcastically?
    
    
    Lynne

    RATHOLE ALERT!  For those of you who think Kelley is the
    sister...please go back and re-read the base note.  Debbie
    is the sister...the 6'2" 140 lbs. individual, Kelley, is 
    the base noter's husband.
    
    

    
    Thank you for all your replies, it really helps to get a different or 
    objective viewpoint on a situation.  I try to keep objective but it 
    rarely ever works.
    
    Also, re. .14, thank you for clarifying that misunderstanding for me.
    
    Thanks again
    Brenda
    
    PS In case you're all wondering, i've decided not to say anything,
       unless she brings it back up.

    Not ime to read the replies, but seems to me that an open, very frank
    letter that ties everything all together seems like the best thing to
    do. Let the chips fall where they might. True Christians don't act like
    you described.
    
    If you're as open as you can be, then whatever falls out is your
    sister's problem. At least you know inside you that you did what you
    should have.
    
    Spoken from a somewhat similar experience years ago.
    
    ....Bob

    re: .15
    
    Not that I read that one........
    
    Not saying it can leave it to fester inside you, trust me..
    
    ....Bob
    

> .1
>>Before she left she told me to tell Kelly she was sorry for being so 
>>sensitive. 

What B. said. ^^^ Yeah.

My take is, Sis behaved like an overly sensitive prima donna.
Let it go.  Enjoy your sanity; hope she increases hers. Her
statement does not exactly reflect good mental health:

> How are we going to become friends if you keep harassing me and
> commenting about my weight.'  

Even if Kelly had make the remrk teasingly, it doesn't qualify as
harassment.  No wonder you were stupified.

Trying to explain something to her will be like bouncing
a ball off a sloped wall.  The return bounce will be odd.

=============================================================
>  ... it took me an hour to write that last note 
>  and i got kicked out and lost the whole thing!) AARRGGHH!

On my sys, when that happens, a file named NOTESnum-num.tmp gets left
behind.  Same thing in MAIL; it's MAILnumnum.tmp gets left behind.  
(I have a default editor for both.)   Meigs

    
        Maybe Debbie was just looking for an argument...of course she
    would know it was Kelly who paid her the compliment....
    
        And her husband preaching + insulting !     Look at it this way...
    it's a good thing they live so far away !!!!!!!!
    
    

     My advice to you would be to leave it alone.  You aren't going to correct 
     25 or so years of non-communication.  You answered your question
    yourself  when you
    said that you and your sister weren't close and had little in common. 
    Don't feel bad about that.  I would pin a little note to your bathroom
    mirror that says "let today's troubles be sufficient for the day".  Don't
    bog down your heart and mind with extras.  Situations like you describe
    are like those extras.  Because I too tend to become flustered in
    confrontational situations, I can sympathize with you.  I have learned,
    however, to stop and think before I reply -- is this how I really feel,
    how do I want to sound."  Don't give others the advantage of seeing you
    become rattled - power plays come in many forms and it seems that
    insecure people get an ego boost from other's discomfort.  Letting go of
    situations that didn't quite go well in your eyes will ease some of the
    stress the next time they occur.  Go over them in your mind once,
    analyze what you would do to differently, and then drop it.  Don't
    bother sending Debbie a letter, it wouldn't matter anyway.  I would be
    kind, interested, but detatched from Debbie - in other words don't give
    her an edge to "play" you by.
    
    stephanie