Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I've moved away from home (Wyoming to New England), but it wasn't the
    same experience for me. For one thing, my family tended to move quite a
    bit, so even the place I consider my "home town" was only home for me
    from the age of nine.
    
    Furthermore, by the time I moved away, my parents had already gone on
    to another of their stops, and while I didn't move to the same town, I
    wound up a lot closer than if I'd stayed out west. (Funny side note: a
    few years later, my parents moved again, from New England to Texas. By
    that time my sister and I were both pretty well established in our
    respective homes in New York and New Hampshire, so we twitted our folks
    about _them_ "moving away from home" for the first time...)
    
    Another difference: when I made my cross-country move, I did it alone.
    In some ways that made it easier, I think, since I didn't have to deal
    with the stresses of a new marriage at the same time as those of a new
    job, town, etc., but it was occasionally lonely. (Then again, I'm a
    rather solitary type at the best of times.)
    
    Advice? For what it's worth, considering our different backgrounds, I'd
    say go for the new experience and enjoy it to the utmost, but do make
    efforts to stay in touch with your family. (I'm a letter-writer instead
    of a phone-caller, and that's not nearly as expensive as those
    long-distance calls, but whatever you're comfortable with - and can
    afford - is fine.) 
    
    One thing you might want to do is to get together with your
    spouse-to-be and decide who visits whom, how often, and for how long;
    even when a vacation spot like Hawaii isn't involved, demands on
    distant-dwelling newlyweds to visit (or be visited by) their respective
    in-laws seem to cause a lot of stress.
    
    Good luck,
    -b

I'll comment that you're going to lump together three of the most stressful
events in your life - getting married, moving homes and changing jobs.  I
don't envy you....  Whatever you do, be aware of the stresses that are natural
with such changes and understand that not everything will be perfect right
away.

				Steve

    
    I moved away from home almost 5 years ago - from Massachusetts to
    California.  I moved here with my roommate at the time.  I
    lived with my parents up to a year prior to my moving, so I had
    made the initial break, but it was still hard.  Be prepared for
    outrageous phone bills for the first 6 months you're in Hawaii.
    I called everyone I knew back east at least once a week, trying
    to keep the relationships going.  I had awful runs of homesickness,
    crying spells, etc., but had alot of support from the man I met
    (and have since married).  You'll undoubtedly have alot of support
    from your husband, and he'll be going through his own type of
    homesickness so you'll have someone to support as well as someone
    who knows exactly what you're going through!  I've made a few close
    friends since moving here and have had a terrific time exploring
    the west coast.  It was really exciting to see all the places I've
    read about or seen on TV, you'll have a great time exploring the
    islands!  It's gorgeous there!  My husband and I go back east
    at least once a year, and although it's become a little easier
    to say "bye" when we leave, I still cry!!  You'll find that you
    lose touch with some close friends, some people will make a great
    effort to keep in touch.  It's great when your friends/family come
    to visit (which I'm sure they will if they have a free place to
    stay in Hawaii!!) and you can show them your new turf!  
    
    I love southern California and have no regrets about moving here, 
    but both my husband and I plan to move back east in the next few
    years, for various reasons.  Keep in mind that Hawaii doesn't HAVE
    to be where you spend the rest of your life.  You're taking a big
    chance that alot of people think about, but never do.  If you find
    out that you're not happy there (give it at least a year to work
    out the kinks) you can always move back to your hometown.  One 
    great thing about moving far away is that you gain lots of
    independence.  It feels great to know that I moved here with noone's
    help and have made a good life for myself.  Not staying in Hawaii
    forever doesn't indicate failure by any means.  And who knows, maybe
    you'll decide you want to stay forever and you'll open up your own
    pina colada shack on the beach!
    
    Give yourself a pat on the back for following your dreams and best
    wishes to you on your marriage and your move!  If you want to talk
    at all off-line, you can contact me at LAGUNA::DERY_CH or dtn
    539-1722.
    
    Regards,
    Cherie

    I just want to add one thing to the base note that I forgot to
    mention....my fiance lived there for 8 years.  It was his suggestion to
    go back, and I said what the heck !!!
    
    Thanks for the replies...keep them coming.
    
    	aloha........Ellen

    Ellen,
    
    Congratulations, and best wishes!  Everyone I know who has been to
    Hawaii still raves about how wonderful it is, and says they'd like
    to live there.
    
    Have fun!
    Paula

    Oh, enjoy it.  You are probably going to be so happy that you're
    lonliness will fade in time.  Yes they are three stressful situations,
    marriage, move and new job, but what the heck bite the bullet, follow
    your dreams. I envy you.  Where will you live?  Do you have jobs lined
    up?  I ask this, because I heard that sometimes its tough to get a job
    there.
    
    Oh that water, that sun!  Enjoy.  Get a job with the airlines while you
    are there!  Then you can fly home for free!
    
    Aloha and Mahalo!
    
    Lisa

    Boy, I don't envy you the near future... moving and changing your
    life so radically.  But from my point of view (I've moved and changed
    ALOT over the past 15 years).  
    
    You are going ot be leaving behind your family and friends when
    you move... He will be closer to his family.  One of the things
    that will be a big help for you is to establish your own friendships
    as soon as possible.  People you can feel confident in confiding
    in.  Without the worry of "This is his mother/sister/brother/aunt,
    etc."  It will take a little time but believe me it will make a
    big difference in how well you adapt to the changes.  
    
    A side tip... until you become known to the people there be aware
    that everything has two prices... tourist and native.  When you
    go shopping go with your relatives until you take on the local
    attitudes and whatever it is that natives see and use to tell each
    other apart.  When I say natives I don't mean the native Hawaiins...
    I mean people who have lived in Hawaii for a period of time and
    call it home rather then vacation.
    
    As has been mentioned before, be aware that you are going to be
    under ALOT of stress more then your mate, he is, afterall, going
    home.  You are leaving home.  
    
    Write alot to your family and friends, send cassettes instead of
    letters from time to time, if you have a chance and the equipment,
    send and exchange home vidios with them.  These make the homesickness
    a little more tolerable.  When you start to feel homesick, go out
    and do something that will take your mind away... something that
    is a plus to being where you are (my big one when I was in Hawaii
    was to go surfing... they don't have waves like that in Southern
    California.  I moved around alot while I was in the Military and
    found that the one most important thing that helped me adapt though
    was the friendships.... the quicker I established and maintained
    a group of friends the easier it was for me to adjust to the various
    changes.  Once my wife learned the same trick, moving around in
    the military became easier for both of us.  
    
    Hope this helps you.
    
    Skip

    When I was 17 I moved to California (joined the Navy) and loved it.
    It is hard to be away from family after living with them all your life,
    but I did not spend to much time dwelling on them.  There is so much
    new to see and do, when I did get home sick I wrote my family or called
    and shared all that I was experiencing.
    
    Also when I was 25 I moved to Florida with Digital.  This was different
    in that I flew home every month for business, so I did not get to miss
    my family.  
    
    I did both these trips alone and often thought that if I was with
    someone special I would enjoy it that much more.  
    
    Also I was in Hawaii for sometime (pearl harbor) and let me tell you
    you could not ask for a better place to live.
    
    I wish you the best of luck............

    Stop worrying and get ready to enjoy it. You are very fortunate to have
    such a wonderful opportunity.
    
    I am from New York, my wife from Wyoming. We have lived in Utah,
    Indiana, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts and, finally, here
    in Colorado. It is always difficult leaving old friends and familiar
    places, but each new place has always had something new to offer, 
    including friends and experiences which have greatly enriched ouur
    lives.
    
    And it is really only a matter of a day's worth of traveling if you
    are ever seized by the urge to visit your old stomping grounds.
    
    I would only offer one small piece of advice. Take your new home on
    its own terms and enjoy it. Try not to be always comparing it to 
    Massachusetts.
    

    What a great idea to send cassettes!  My family lives overseas and once
    

    Oops, I cut my reply off.  Cassetes are a great idea, my family lives
    overseas and once I sent them a video tape and they loved it.
    
    Best wishes.
    

    
       First, Congratulations. Go for it!! Moves can be stressful but,
     you have to maintain a positive attitude. Each time I have moved
     I had done so with enthusiasm. Leaving a very familiar environment
     to live someplace new can be scary but, you have support since
     you are not moving alone. How does your family feel about your
     move? One thing I have found helpful when moving has been to accept
     my new home. I call it home from the time I arrive, if you consider
     where you came from your home, you may never be comfortable in
     Hawaii. Try to avoid making comparisons or judge your new home
     against your old home. Keep in touch with family and friends, you
     have to ease the pain of seperation. It is great if you can plan
     for family and friends to visit you. With the distance involved
     this would probably be rare.
     I only know 500 or so people who wish they had your opportunity!!!
     Hawaii is a wonderful place, probably the most friendly people I
     have ever met. Good luck and have fun.
    
      Mahalo
           -Rob
    
     

    Thanks for all your comments and insites !  I like Rob's suggestion of
    calling Hawaii "home" right from the start, 'cause that's what it is -
    our new home.
    
    re:  .7
    
    I only WISH Tom had family in Hawaii.  He lived there when his dad was
    in the service, but his whole family moved home when his dad retired 10
    or so years ago.  He went twice in 1988 to visit his brother, but his
    brother and his wife have since moved home.  So, we are both in the
    same boat - only he knows the island.  Plus, Tom will have it easier
    because he is 1/2 Japenese and looks Hawaii when he is there.  I'm a
    blond hair/blue eye haole (caucasian) thru and thru.....
    
    Keep those cards and letters coming......
    
    	Aloha......Ellen

    I don't have time to read all the replies, but I'll work on the base
    note. 
    
    My wife and I both come from the New England area. In 1966, when we
    were in our mid-late 20's we moved to Tucson, and spent 3 years there.
    I didn't have any problem there, but she did. it became abvious that
    all our vacations would be spent traveling to visit relatives a long
    way away. So after 3 years we moved back to this area. I still like
    the area, but in the long run it was better to ba back here. You BOTH
    need to be comfortable with it, or it might cause a problem after a
    while, either major or minor.
    
    ....Bob

    In 1983 I graduated from college and my husband and I got married in
    Sept. 1983 and moved to GA.  Believe me Hawaii sounds a lot more fun
    than my first reacations to GA.  I am originally from GA and my husband
    from NJ.  We spent two years in GA.  It was a wonderful way to start
    our life together.  Neither of us had anyone to run to and we learned
    to really work things out.  We haved since moved to MA and have spent
    the last five years here.  I see people who could NEVER leave their
    families. I'm glad our parents raised us to love our families but yet
    be able to seperate from them.  Enjoy the new life - it is a adventure
    and certainly one many people wish they could experience.  Best wishes.

    OOPS I GOOFED - I AM ORIGINALLY FROM PA NOT GA 

    Hey, this is a great note!  In three weeks I am moving from NH to
    the DC area.  Although I will be living with one of my friends and
    her husband, I have no job or anything!  Yes, I know, this sounds
    stupendously stupid.  But I just graduated from college in May,
    and it is time for me to go on with my life.  Anyway, I found all
    your replies very comforting.
    
    kkay

    Congratulations! and please do not worry... I did that, but to another
    country, with a language I did not speak, and no family, or friends to
    help you at all, and you know what? it was fine, because I was with my
    husband, and we both learned and experienced things at the same time...
    
    I remember it took me a whole morning to get my shopping list
    translated thru a dictionary and the rest of the day to find the
    stuff... so we could eat...Of course I missed my family and friends,
    but when you love somebody, can give anything up for him... and that I
    did! and never regretted it.
    We moved from Spain to Holland, then to Germany, then back to Madrid,
    Spain, then to the Boston area, then to Tokyo, Japan (our girls
    graduated from High School in Tokyo...while our boy attended 4th grade)
    then back to Boston, as you can see, it is a lot more than what you are
    about to do... Hawaii is a beautiful place, and you'll be with your
    husband... what more can you wish???
    Relax and enjoy life!!! Best luck to both of you. Ana
    

    Moving away from friends and family will undoubtedly be stressful, but
    you will have each other.  I lived in florida for 25 years before
    moving to Houston, Texas.  Fortunately my husband had some very close
    friends living here.  It was very hard for me to not have mom and dad
    right there anymore, but I guess we all have to grow up and learn to
    stand on our own.  The thing that I have realized over the years,
    (we've been here ten years now and have two kids) is that because we
    are on our own we seem to rely on each other more.  In other words, if
    there is a problem we have to face it together, not running home to let
    mom and dad help us resolve it, like a lot of our friends have been
    doing lately.  I used to be homesick all the time and tried to talk my
    husband into going back, but now I've realized that Texas is home for
    MY family.  And anyway, the times I've been back to visit, I always
    can't wait to get HOME to Texas.  What this all boils down to is that
    it'll be tough at times but you've got each other and thats what
    counts....
    
    regards,
    
    Lynne C.