Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Please preface all my statements with IMHO.

    I think you're being a bit over sensitive feeling hurt by this. I mean,
    the roommate puts up with you being there. He's not being as
    considerate as he might but I wouldn't say it was strange for the
    others to stay. It's better than them drinking then driving somewhere.

    I agree the shower order may need to be worked out, and more than a day
    or two of the extra person's presence should be discussed. But this
    isn't something to get too worked up over. heck, I once lived in a
    large house with eight roommates and most everyone had someone over at
    any given day of the week. Talk about a zoo. liesl

    
    Some pertinent questions :
    
    1) How far away does the girlfriend's friend live?
    2) Was she too drunk to drive?
    3) Is she going through an emotional time an is afraid to be alone at
    night?
    4) Do the girlfriend and her friend live together?
    
    Any one of these questions could explain why she's staying there.  My
    husband and I have a group of friends that we do things with.  Often,
    we plan to all stay at one persons house/apt, just so we don't have to
    worry about driving tired or about drinking.  On the other hand,  we
    are all married couples with plenty of room and 2 bathrooms.  Are you
    by any chance, worried that this girl is after your fiance? 
    My advice, in any case, would be to try not to think about the whole
    thing.  I mean, if these girls are weird, then I'm sure, in time and
    without pressure, your fiance's roommate will come to see this on his
    own.  And there's no sense in you looking like the bad guy.  Maybe his
    roommate is going through a tough time getting over his ex.  That could
    explain liking weird people.  
    Good luck!
    Rachael
    

    I think you're being unreasonable and overly sensitive...
    
    The roomate has rights he IS paying rent... 
    
    You DON't know the circumstances of the girlfriend staying over
    
    And it's not really much of your business anyhow.  If you aren't
    comforatable with the situation... don't go.  If your boyfriend
    can't understand it... then he IS being insensitive to your feelings.
    And you should talk it out with HIM. The roomate is doing nothing
    wrong.  And in fact as other's pointed out... he may be doing something
    right in that the girlfriend and her friend may have been drinking
    and with the laws as strict as they are now a days... it's much
    better to be safe then sorry.  (regardless of the laws it's better
    to be safe then sorry).  
    
    This is all in my own humble opinion of course... 
    
    Skip

    I agree with .1 
    
    Think about her friends driving home late at night after drinking.
    What If something happens on the way home ? 
    What's a couple of nights of "inconvenience" compared to their 
    waking up in a pool of blood or something. 
    
    Re. 2 >> ..if the girls are weird..>> 
    
    What is the definition of "weird girls" ?  
    

This is obviously causing some problems for you, but really the problem belongs
to your fiance and his roommate... its for them to set out the "rules" by which
they both live...

You certainly cannot object to the roomate having anyone to stay in his room, 
but if the other girl is sleeping in the shared room then all you can do is 
let your fiance know how you feel and leave it to him to sort out (or not) 
depending on how HE feels.

I have 3 lodgers and I don't mind anyone staying over... we have a cloakroom,
bathroom and I have an en-suite.  Toilets are no problem, but if anyone runs
ANY water in the house and someone is in the shower then they get frozen or
scalded. So although we have a bath and shower, only one person can use water 
at any one time.

At weekends its a free for all... usually ends up with shouting down stairs...
"don't use the water... I'm going in the shower" followed by swear words galore
when some "outsider" doesn't realise that that means ANY tap, washing machine
etc...

On weekdays we have a rota, we all leave at different times, anyone who wants
to detour round that has to arrange it... I have first go sort of any time
before 7.15... this means if I don't have to be at work I still have to get
up early and then go back to bed... cos the next 'slot' isn't till 8.30...
Visitors have to fit round residents....

These things need to be worked out in advance between the residents...

If things get bad then maybe you and your fiance should look for a joint place.
I don't think anyone like's sharing with a couple.

Please remember that your "togetherness" is probably very hard for the roomate
right now... the last thing he needs thrown in his face is "coupleness"...




Xtine

    First let me say that it's not the girlfriend staying over that was the
    problem, she shares a room with the roomate and I don't find that a
    problem with the exception of just coordinating showers. My whole point
    was, that my fiance and I made a point of letting the roomate know we
    were staying over so as to avoid the confusion.  Since she had been
    staying over every night that week, she wanted to make sure.   They
    hadn't been drinking, trust me I would never want anyone to be drinking
    and driving.  As for the rest of the reasons you all have given I just
    don't know... I guess my only point was that we also work around his
    schedule and never impose, this one night I decided to stay out there
    because I had drinking, and it is very rare that I ever stay out, so
    that is why we made plans with the roomate.  
    
    I do appreciate everyones honesty though and I will try to be more
    understanding.  I just don't want this to turn into and uncomfortable
    situation for myself or my fiance.  As with any roomate situation,
    50/50 is important and my fiance deserves his own privacy also, and
    if this woman is going to be staying over everynight, I think my
    opinion is maybe they should move in together.  I really like
    the roomate alot and I want to see him happy, I know what he has
    been through separating is never easy, so that is why I have bit
    my tongue, but I also have concerns for our situation.
    
    Also, I am in no way afraid of this woman going after my fiance we
    have a very trusting relationship that thought never crossed my
    mind.
    
    Thanks for the help though, I will try to be less sensitive.
    

    (someone asked for a definition of weird)
    Definition of weird :
    	a woman who doesn't work; isn't a student; stays at her new
    boyfriend's house every night *with* her girlfriend.  I would think that
    she'd be thinking that 3's a crowd.  
    	a woman who prefers to sleep on a couch in a non-private room, with
    2 couples in the next rooms.  She must know she's the odd person out.
    
    I'm sure there might be explainations for both of these women's
    behavior (like I said in .2), but it's still a bit weird.  (IMHO)
    
    To the anonymous noter:  I can understand wondering about these people,
    especially if drinking isn't the issue.  However, I still think that
    you should try to stay out of it.  Good Luck!
    

    I think that  I would be conserned with this extra girl around. Who
    knows that perhaps our heroen may find herself out of an engagement
    some afternoon if she becomes tooo demanding. I do not feel that your
    concerns are too much to ask for. But real life says yes, there is that
    opertunity. I think that the law should be laid down and if you wish 
    privicy, do so. And give back too. Sounds like these roomies are
    getting alittle shovey and thats toooo bad. If you find them running
    around naked in the morning with the zoo routine, it maybe a hastle for
    you and keeping your man. Tell them to rent a no-tell hotel/motel if
    things get toooo wierd. Other than that ask your mate to move in
    to your place. And let his roommate fend for himself if he continues.
    
    George