Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    IMO, I think your manager was out of line.  All of us have good days
    and bad days, and when one's personality is "up" for the most part, the
    bad days really show.  Rather than ask why you're been down, it sounds
    as though he pinned the responsibility for group morale on you.
    
    Give yourself a break from being the motivator and go do things that
    satisfy *you*!  You're not responsible for the moods of other people.
    If you feel that you're carrying the weight of the group, reassess the
    situation and make adjustments that are right for *you*.
    
    
    Judi
    

    Agreed, you're not responsible for the moods of others. On the other
    hand... it is often true (in my experience) that if you do "put on a
    smile", it can help to improve your own mood - and since that's a plus
    for everybody, I don't have a problem with a manager suggesting it.
    From .0, it also sounds as if the manager was very well aware of why .0
    was down in the first place, and realized s/he couldn't do anything
    about it. I think management ought to be sensitive to an employee's
    outside stresses, but I DON'T think management is responsible for
    fixing outside problems. [Not that it mightn't be fun at times: "Hey,
    boss, I don't think I can make this schedule 'cause I'm so depressed.
    How about setting me up with that cute nephew of yours?" ;-) ] 
    
    NOTE: There is a difference between denying your own feelings and
    masking them. I would never suggest to someone that they "shouldn't
    feel that bad," etc. - you feel what you feel. But that doesn't require
    that you wear your feelings on the surface all the time, especially in
    a workplace where others are relying on you.
    
    Re the questions in .0: Yes, I think the really bubbly-and-outgoing
    types can seem intimidating and invulnerable, especially to us
    introverts. I wouldn't see it as an excuse for standing someone up,
    though!
    
    -b

    re: .1 Judi
    I don't think the manager's instruction is the problem -- .0 said that
    it helped to play a role and now she's more "herself."  In other words,
    she feels better now, having done what he asked, than she did when she
    was expressing her depression at work.  I didn't get the impression it
    was a problem to be the motivator for the group, just the natural way
    things work out.
    
    The problem is that when she's her normal bubbly self she may
    intimidate people.  The contrast between her natural energy level and
    theirs is huge...and they may feel that she is so confident and
    out-going that she wouldn't possibly be interested in getting to know
    them.
    
    re: .0  Xtine
    I don't know quite what advice to offer -- I think I've seen a similar
    thing in myself.  However, I used to be extremely shy and so I remember
    what it felt like to not want to "put myself forward" in a situation
    with someone very outgoing.  Feeling like "oh, they wouldn't be
    interested in me."  I think at the time it would have helped to have
    had someone outgoing take the time to really see me, look at the good
    points I have, and tell me about them.  I would have opened up to such
    a person.
    
    Given this, one suggestion might be to continue to be energetic,
    bubbly, and "over the top" -- but just channel it slightly differently. 
    Right now it seems you're a general energy motivator.  Maybe try
    directing the energy in ways you don't currently.  Put energy into
    appreciating the qualities of the introverts you say you socialize
    with, and letting them know what you get out of being friends with
    them.  Put energy (and this might be scary and should be done
    carefully) into admitting the areas you are insecure about with people
    other than your roommates -- don't feel the need to put on a "no
    worries" facade.  .1 was right, you are not responsible for the moods
    of other people.
    
    Another suggestion -- if the above suggestion seems "wrong" to you,
    given your current social group -- is to try another social group.  You
    mentioned your current group was formed to make friends.  But if you
    feel out of step around them, then I don't think they sound right for
    you!  Maybe if you meet people who have a common motivation to DO
    something together (work on a play, etc), your outgoing personality
    will fit in with the crowd better because they are also excited about
    the activity you have in common.
    
    Good luck!
    Pam

    To be honest this wasn't a "down day" this was a down six months...
    and as most of the people in the unit were new to Digital I wasn't
    exactly being encouraging...
    
    At the time it helped, when you pretend every day to be happy etc it
    eventually rubs off... one day you realise its not an act any more...
    
    Also, one of the reason it helps is that people find you more fun to be
    with so you have more friends which helps raise the depression...
    
    Within this social group I am not "being happy" to keep them happy...
    its just that (she says being modest) my being there livens them up...
    
    
    Xtine
    
    ps. I am now, for the most part, happy

    Whether the manager was out of line or not, what he said did help.
    But someone else is also right, that you aren't responsoble for the
    mood of everyone else in the group.
    
    Mebbe if you get down for a while, let hin know what's going on, as
    much as you care to discuss with him.
    
    I get down sometimes, but at work I usually manage to bypass a down 
    mood in a matter of hours, so my "group-du-jour" doesn't get any really bad
    ideas. It isn't always that easy at home.
    
    ....Bob
    
    ....Bob
    

    re .3
    
    I think that's good advise Pam...
    
    One of the things that has been said is that I have a tendancy to
    "hold court"... the others seem happy to let me "bounce" off them...
    this was said in passing and was not meant as a critisim, but I didn't
    like it and I am actively trying not to do it... 
    
    I'd like opinions on something else as well..
    
    Within the group (the membership is about 700... but in our area we
    usually see people from about 20 or so regulars and 40/50 people we
    know by sight/name only) there are obviously lots of different types of
    people, mostly introverts.  Some people are what I would call "socially
    inept".
    
    I find there are only a small % that I get on with, the rest I fin hard
    going... some of them I can sya something amusing to and it goes right
    round them, or over them or something...
    
    Anyway, we have a lot of parties at the house and my other pal and I
    disagree about the way we handle them...  I see it that we provide the
    house, the music and some crisps and then its up to people to "do there
    own thing"... in my case that tends to mean a few words with everybody
    and then migrate towards a "crowd" that I get on with... Andrea on the
    other hand thinks that its our RESPONSIBILITY to mix and talk to
    everyone...
    
    This blew up after the last party when we both liked the same bloke and
    I talked to him and a group of others most of the night... when she
    said I'd monopolised him I said I was surprised she hadn't joined in
    the crowd but she said she felt we should have been circulating...so
    she'd circulated.
    
    Now I'm sure that there's no "correct" answer... something midway is
    probably good... but I find that the people who I'd like/who'd like me will
    usually migrate towards the crowd I'm with anyway cos normally we're
    having a good laugh...
    
    I don't see the point of making "small talk" with the people I have
    nothing in common with... 
    
    Well, thats how it is, it looks selfish in black and white... maybe I
    have to work on that too...
    
    
    
    Xtine 
    
    (feeling verbose today!)

    Well xtine, I can certainly relate. I'm also one who can bounce between
    wild exuberance and desolate depression. And I'm one who'se been
    accused of "holding court" with groups of individuals standing around
    my desk laughing. My manager told me that my moods often direct the
    group. Because of that (and a period when I was "down" for about 2
    months) I frequently wear a mask at work to cover my mood (and then
    dump in notes when it becomes to heavy a burden). But it does sometimes
    become the reality and make me feel better in the long term.

    Do we in fact have a responsiblity for those we work with? I think so
    in some part. After all , we see our workmates as often as an SO, and
    they didn't get to choose us any more than we chose them. That's not to
    say that everyone in the group isn't responsible for their own
    feelings, it's just that it's right to help when you can.

    There's one thing I know for sure, most people only tolerate you being
    down for a short period of time. Once it starts being inconvienient to
    them they get real tired of it. Regardless what anyone says, they'd
    rather you did your crying in private and not bother them. So you put
    on the act and keep the audience happy. And there's a certain reward in
    making the folks laugh, it starts a postive feedback loop and that
    helps even if it's temporary. Sorry I carried on so, this just struck a
    chord with me. liesl

    I know what you mean, Liesl.  People *shouldn't* be down at work, but
    sometimes we *are*, and that's reality.  Why aren't people more
    supportive, rather than critical?  Maybe it's natural not to want to
    watch someone be depressed, but giving them the idea that it's not
    okay, and that they should go home and be depressed alone seems awfully
    cold, to me.  They don't have to care about what's wrong, but it would
    be nice if they'd accept your feeings.
    
    When your marriage breaks up on Friday, you go to work on Monday
    because you have to, and you're probably going to be feeling pretty
    bad (even if there's a 50-50 chance of getting back together by then).
    And you sure don't want to hear any cr@p (excuse me) about your mood.
    
    Seems to me if people were more supportive of one another, there
    wouldn't be so many reasons to be depressed, and there'd be a lot more
    reasons to feel good.  I think on the whole the human race is too
    critical.
    
    IMHO,
    Paula

    Yeah Paula!!!! I couldn't agree more.
    
    But one thing...experience has shown me or led me to belive (actually)
    
    That it's human nature to try and make others feel the same way
    you do when you are down.  At least as a general rule.  I don't
    agree with it but it seems that way to me.  When I'm in a good mood
    there are always those who act as if I have no right to be in that
    mood.  For the most part these people are the once who are farthest
    from feeling the same way as I do.  It's as if the natural attitude
    is "I'm down here in the gutter I might as well see if I can grab
    a few ankles and trip some people up so they are down here with
    me too."  
    
    I really think the world would be a lot better off if these people
    would learn to think... "I'm down here in the gutter I might as
    well stick my hand up and see if someone will give me a lift back
    up on my feet".  Not that they should "expect" someone to "make
    them feel a good mood" but rather if everyone were to learn to offer
    the help, and know that when they needed it, it was there for them.
    The whole world would be one hell of a nicer place to be living
    in... with a LOT fewer problems.
    
    Oh well... "To Dream The Impossible Dream" I guess... still I DO
    believe in the old saying...
    
    "If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours"
    
    It's not much but it's better then nothing I guess.
    
    Skip

    I find being happy and smiley (even when the going gets tough) keeps
    things on a light note not only for you, but for the rest of the group. 
    I think your manager was just concerned as you as an employee, maybe
    thinking you have a personal problem that would interfere with your
    work performance, or just concerned about you personally.  Keep smiling
    and try not to worry what others think.
    
    
    Smile!!
    
    Lynne :-)

    
    Putting on a smile for the sake of it would be equivalent to faking.

    
     Re .11
    
    I wouldn't call it "faking"....
    
    The human mind/body interraction seems to be an incredibly complex
    thing. If you feel a certain way, you look a certain way.
    *And vice versa*.
    
    A lot of self-help ideas are based on the tenet that your
    subconscious can't tell the difference between "fact" and "fiction" -
    if your mind send out "feeling lousy" signals then you are literally
    programming yourself to feel that way. Affirmations work on the basis
    that you feed your subconscious positive images which it will then
    MAKE REAL - positive programming
    
    So, to my mind, if you're feeling low and YOU'D like to feel better
    (not for anyone else) then consciously giving yourself positive
    feedback is not "faking". And putting on a smile is simple physical
    positive feedback - as is good posture, holding your head high etc.
    These things really do make you feel better.
    
    'gail

Its amazing how easy it is to "talk" yourself into a bad mood...

On Saturday I had 20/30 people coming to a Barby, then going to a Bowie concert 
and then we were having a party... I got up really early, went to the 
supermarket, got all the food and came back to find my lodger sunbathing... and 
the house still needed tidied... this put me in a real pissy mood, but instead 
of saying something and "ruining" the atmosphere I just kept it to myself and 
started to seethe... by mid-afternoon I was in a really bad mood...

People kept saying "your really quiet" and I kept saying "yeh, I'm in a foul 
mood" and the more I said it the more I believed it...

Maybe what I should've done was phone a pal, moan like hell about the lodger,
and then just got on with it...

Maybe if I'd put on a smile I'd have convinced myself to enjoy the day...



Xtine

    
    The last Simpon's show would convince you folks to let one "be" as they
    "feel" ....
    

    Being as you feel is a good thing, but sometimes, if you put on a
    smile, you *will* feel better.  There is a branch of psych/science
    called "neuro-linguistic programming" which purports that if you act
    as-if you were a certain way, you become that way (particularly good if
    you are acting a way you actually are not - feeling dumb when you are
    smart, feeling fat when you are actually not, feeling incompetent when
    you are actually quite capable and are suffering from low self-esteem).  
    
    I think to pretend you do not have the feelings you have is bad.  To
    put a smile on when you are down is often a step towards feeling better
    though.  Acknowledging your feelings is important.  But working your
    way out of them is not bad.  
    
    I think if a department depends on someone too much to be Mary Sunshine
    (or Marty Sunshine, for that matter) it can put undue pressure on them. 
    So I can't say that "oh, the department is depending on your smile" is
    a justification for covering up anyone's feelings.  But I can see that
    if you wish to work out of a slump, one way is to act as-if you were
    feeling better, while acknowledging that you are sad or depressed. 
    
    sometimes it works
    
    -Jody
    

    Well, I tend to stop acknowledge that I'm in a poor mood and find
    out why.  If it's something I'm aware of then I try to work out
    a solution.  When it's something I'm not aware of (I just got da
    blues) but I'm aware that I DO want to get out of the mood (sometimes
    I don't there's nothing wrong in feeling down sometimes and it does
    help to prevent those problems I've stated before... ulcers, blood
    pressure {I used to have problems with mine} etc.).  What I do is
    set up mental "red flags" which go up whenever I start to think
    in terms of my poor mood.  Concentrate on things, memories and events,
    that make/made me feel good.  After a while of doing this, the poor
    mood disipates and leaves me feeling much better.  
    
    I won't claim it works 100% of the time some things are just not
    going to go away by thinking other thoughts.  But about 80% of the
    time it works.  And I've found that the more I've done it the easier
    it gets.  
    
    Skip

    My calendar says this is National Smile week...

    re .11 and .15
    
    I agree with .15.......putting on a smile, excruciatingly fake as could
    be, can be one step to feeling better. It's always struk me as kinda
    funny, but it does work that way.....
    
    ....Bob