Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    You seem like a very caring friend. I hope you can remember to take
    care of yourself as well. Having a friend who is suicidal is very hard
    on both individuals. You may want to put a note in the self-help
    conference (TPWEST::SELF_HELP) there seems to be a lot of resources
    there. Also, there are generally a variety of self-help groups in most
    communities. I know of a few in the Fitchburg area if you think they
    might help. Communities often have clinics where people can go and get
    counseling on a sliding scale fee. A local hospital might be able to
    point you in the right direction. I hope that helped a little. Really
    consider putting a note in the self help conference, and remember take
    care of yourself as well.
    

    
    
    
    Women's Resources, Inc. for battered women and children is located in
    Fitchburg - 508 342-9355
    
    Samaritans for suicide counselling - Lawrence - 508 688-6607
    
    I am not familiar with the range of the services they offer, but I'm sure 
    they'd be glad to make referrals to other agencies as needed.
    
    I've seen ads on television for a home that will take in battered women
    and their children and help them get established on their own.  I'll be
    sure to note the information and enter it here as soon as possible.
    
    good luck -
    
    Diane

    Also call the United Way general administration office in the area.
    
    UW funds and sponsors a lot of programs that have been developed
    around the Battered Wives and Suicide problems that are in the world
    today.  Most of there programs are either free or based on an income
    slide.  Sometimes the income slide is waved such as in situations
    as her's.
    
    I hope everything works out... the only other advise is to talk
    with her as much as possible... help her to confront the emotional
    problems on her own terms...don't push any of the problems or ask
    her to deal with thme head on....just be available for her when
    she needs to talk to someone.  Finally, notify her neighbors of
    the problems so if they overhear any fights going on, they can 
    immediatly call the police.
    
    Hope this helps.
    
    Skip

    Sometimes it is valuable to grant a person the dignity of treating
    such a decision as a rational choice, and argue against it in a
    purely rational way.  
    
    Granted all the problems your friend faces this is one solution.
    Another solution which would achieve all the same aims, plus some,
    would be to put her affairs in order and then walk out on her family.
    
    In this case not only would she avoid suffering, she would leave
    open the possibility of joy.
    
    Either decision will hurt her children.  They will not be able to
    understand.  But if she opts for life she may be able to reconcile
    with them in the future, and explain why she has to do what she
    does.  That possibility is eliminated if she opts for suicide. 
                                            
    

    Make an emergency appointment with your EPA RIGHT AWAY!!  I don't know
    which facility you are in, but the one in Westminster is wonderful.  I
    could even give you her name just to call and ask for some direction.
    These people are trained to handle these kinds of situations and are
    in constant contact with all kinds of organizations set up to help
    someone like your friend.  My heart goes out to her.  She must feel
    so hopeless and helpless.  Have her children witness the beating(s)?
    If she is left with bruises, she should show her ignorant mother-in-
    law!  Let us know what happens.  She should also contact both the
    police and a lawyer.  The police just to have it all on record in case
    there is another incident and a lawyer for some legal advice.  She has
    to be made to see that if she leaves this brut that he will HAVE TO
    give her child support at the very least and possibly alimony too.  The
    laws in Mass are among the best for this type of thing.  If he doesn't
    pay after he is ordered by the court to pay, they will have it auto-
    matically taken out of his pay.  I already know of 2 such cases.  She's
    got to get away frokm this guy and start building up some self-esteem.
    If she stays with him all the negatives will constantly keep getting
    reinforced.  Good luck and God bless to both of you.
    

    Please give this to your friend...
    
   ***********************************************************************
    Dear Friend,
    
    Although we don't know each other, we have shared some things in
    common.  You see, I was once a battered and emotionally devastated
    "wife" with little belief that there could be anything good about me.
     My husband was always telling me how screwed up I was and how I
    could never make it on my own.  His favorite name for me in front
    of my children was "f**king Jewish b*tch."  Since he treated me
    with scorn, he encouraged my children to do the same, and there
    were times--so many times--that I wondered why I still continued
    to live and breathe when I was so cold and empty and dead inside.
    In fact, my friend, the only thing in my life that seemed forever
    real was the pain, the humiliation, the hollow, aching devastation
    of feeling totally worthless.  The brilliant mind with which I had
    been born seemed to be a joke.  My husband made sure that I was
    totally isolated from friendship, totally isolated from the small
    amount of family I had left, and frequently isolated from my 6 children
    as well.  If I showed a child too much affection, too much caring,
    I was abused for "spoiling" the child.  If I was not available to
    satisfy his every whim, I was a worthless woman and less.  My life
    became a permanent inward hell.  I would dream that I was screaming
    in an empty steel cell where there was little light, no comfort,
    and eternal sobbing.  It took nothing at all to set my husband off.
    Whenever he determined that I had f**ked up (and that grew more
    frequent with the years), he made sure that he would set me straight.
    This usually meant he used the martial arts techniques he held numerous
    black belts in, although one time it involved having my glasses
    smashed in while I was wearing them, and another time being beaten
    with a chunk of firewood over my entire body under there were bruises
    on top of bruises, and hair being ripped out by the handsful.  My
    friend, you are *not* alone in your agony, your isolation, or your
    pain.  There are thousands of us out here--just like you.  There
    are some of us who have escaped and lived to tell the tale, to act
    as a role model, to help lend courage and support for those who
    have not been able to escape yet.  Dear friend, I am one of the
    escapees.  You can be also.  We need each other so that we aren't
    alone anymore.  We need to be the courageous ones who survive so
    the "bad guys" don't win again.  If you decide to give in, your
    "husband," winner that he is, will win.  Does he deserve to win
    so much, that you will quit living to escape?  The best revenge
    is to go ahead and live a good life anyway.  I am living proof that
    this is so.  I escaped and eventually most of my children escaped.
     We all bear the scars, but we can hold our heads up and say we
    are survivors.  Please join the survivors of the world and help
    the remaining victims to escape and survive too.  Live to speak
    out and to fight brutality wherever it hides.  You *are* needed.
    
    If I may assist you in anyway as a friend, or console you, please
    write me at 5180 Gravenstein Park, Murray, Utah. 84123, or call
    (801) 269-8356.  We are far apart in distance, but close in caring
    and support.
    
    Many hugs and support from your unknown friend,
    
    Barbara Haslam
                                         

        I'm kind of speechless here....
    
    What an incredible story...what a strong, couragious, outstanding,
    intact woman you are...
    
    I hope that all of us, male and female, can remember this...it goes
    both ways when it hurts, it should go both ways when it heals!
    
    My thanks for sharing that with more than one of us!
    
    JayCee
    

    Re.6 by ::HASLAM
    
    >> Live to speak out and to fight brutality wherever it hides..
    
       Exactly !! Victory should never be given to sadocratic brutes
                  on a silver platter.
    
       Keep on keeping on !

    Barb,
    
    I'm sitting here crying over my life story that you just wrote.
    Thankyou, because I can now think about those times and not want to hide.
    
    My husband was not Jewish and I too had everything thrown at me from
    him, his parents and friends.  Seventeen years it took to clear out all
    the negativity and now I consider myself `normal'...
    
    To Anon - walk away from it all.  You deserve the best that life can
    offer and its just waiting out there for you.  I cannot tell you how
    bright the light at the end of the tunnel is.  Its amazing how many
    arms are there to hold you.
    
    ...dale  

    I don't know what kind of responses you have already had, but I'll
    offer my thoughts, hoping something might be of help.
    I would suggest taking herself to either social services or some
    counselor that would take her gratis until she is in a place to start
    paying for services.  Talking to someone who appreciates the situation
    and can help her do what she has to do to take care of herself would be
    foremost of importance.    At this point, it is more important to get
    herself away from her husband and kids if necessary (for the time
    being).  
    Good luck...I can recommend a counselor in Acton area who I have found
    to be very good and is more open to working out financial situations
    than other counselors I have talked to.   EAP also might be able to
    suggest someone to help.  
    

    Re: 1022.6
    
    Barbara,
    
    Your story brought chills up my spine and tears in my eyes. I give
    you so much credit for pulling yourself together and getting your
    life on the right track..because you have so much to live for. 
    I wish you the best of luck for happiness.
    
    Lynne Sigel

    
    I was also beaten by my husband, and told I was worthless to the
    point that I started to believe it.  It was the lowest part of my
    life, and I didn't think I could possible pull myself out.  I couldn't
    dare tell my family the kinds of things that were happening to me,
    it would have destroyed them.  Well, it almost destroyed me, until
    I started to fight back...and now three years later I'am stronger
    than I ever was.
    
    I want you to tell your friend that she is not alone.  We are here
    to comfort and guide her.  To offer her the support she needs, and
    the love she deserves.  You are a terrific friend for caring, and
    being there for her.  Tell her that SHE DOES MATTER!!!!
    
    God Bless..
     

    
    Can you also keep us updated on her progress?  We all care.
    
    Thanks,
    Barb

    I agree with Barb,
    
    With updated information, we can all try to help get this person on the
    road to recovery.
    
    Lynne