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Dear Anon,
I'm not a divorced father, rather a divorced mother. It takes two
adults to behave in adult manners to keep things on an even keel for
the sake of the children. And it takes work!
What prompted my reply to this note was the section about the
bedwetting and pant wetting. From family experience I ask you for the
sake of that teenage girl, get her to a urologist. Please. It may
well be that it is psychological, however, there is also a very strong
possibility it could be physical.
Faith
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| It is scary...frightening, sad, to suddenly lose a mom or a dad to a
divorce and gaining a new "mom" or "dad" thru a re-marry, that must be
very traumatic a any child. It seems that your husband's ex was in
love with her husband when she took his second marriage so badly...
emotions are hard to explain. Adults do know what they do, but in the
mayority of situations the adults are not the ones to suffer, but the
children... they are the ones who really suffer their parents actions
whatever they are. The girl shows sphychological problems, and due to
her age, could also have physical ones, please take her to a doctor, he
will advise the best course to take.
I hope your husband ex accepts facts and mends her wounds... she sounds
like a very bitter person to me... The three of you should do your best
to the kids, leaving behind any personal animosity... they are so
important! they are the future... how will they lead a good life if
they are hurt and confused at such an early age?
I honestly wish you well.
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This note struck a chord with me although I am not married, or a
parent. The reason being that my parents divorced when I was 10 - that
was not the problem, even though my Dad left Mum for another woman,
they never argued in front of me or my younger sister, Mum never
said anything terrible about my Dad, and never restricted our visits to
him ... ever. I think we were VERY lucky here. My parents are both
remarried and we get on with both step-parents.
However, my Mum has had a similar problem to you with my step-dad's
ex-wife. She has been awful in the past, and has turned my
step-sisters against my Mum. She is forever telling them that my
step-dad spends all his money on us, and none on them etc .. to the
point that they even ask is how much our birthday/Christmas presents
cost! They virtually ignore my Mum if they visit, and are generally
rude. In actual fact, if only they knew, Mum goes to great pains to
treat us all the same.
The situation is different as they are respectively 19 and 22, and so
looking after themselves. However, I know how hurt my Mum has been by
their (and my step-dad's ex-wife's) behaviour and I can really
sympathise with you.
Also, my fiance's ex made life hell for us for a while - they had no
children and were not married but although I was not the cause of the
splitting up, once we got together she decided that she wanted him back
and set out to make life miserable once she realised that he wasn't
going.
She used to tell lies about me, and things I had supposedly said, to
mutual friends, and sent a load of sentimental pictures of the two of
them together, cards that he had given her in the past etc round to our
house. She also used to phone him at work to try to get him to meet
her, and go mad when he refused, calling *me* all the names under the
sun.
We were helped by a great mutual friend who talked to her and made her
realise how awful she was being. Maybe your husband has a friend who
could do the same? Although we have not heard much from her recently,
we are getting married next week and I'm half afraid that she'll turn
up at the church.
I wish you all the luck in the world getting this sorted out...
Sam
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| re .0:
I was in a very similar situation, and my husband and I went to EAP.
Essentially, the counselor told me to keep out of it, to let my husband
(now -ex) deal with his ex. I tried to create an environment for the
kids on the weekends when they visited that was supportive, but non-
indulgent. Now that their dad and I are divorced, I still see the
kids; he rarely does. Life takes funny turns.
write if you'd like,
Marge
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