Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Paula,

What I have to say may sound trite or even simplistic, but I've "been there"
and, more importantly, "been back".  Your final question was "Where does it
go from here?"  The answer is - wherever you make it go.

This is a very hard thing to accept when you are feeling alone and helpless.
But the first step to recovery is to realize that only YOU can make a difference
in your life.  You have to stop letting yourself be defined by the events and
others around you and take charge.  Instead of standing by the river, go
jump in a boat and start rowing upstream.  It's hard work, and you'll fall
in a few times, but if you tell yourself that you will NOT let yourself
remain alone and unhappy, you'll be amazed at the difference it can make
in your life.

When I was suddenly alone, I too realized I had no friends.  Or thought
I didn't.  It took me a while, but I found friends I never knew I had, and
those I hadn't met yet.

On my long road to recovery, I was knocked down many times.  But each time
I stood up again and eventually found the happiness I knew was there for
me, somewhere.  So can you.

This is a particularly vulnerable time for you.  Be aware of the dangers
in getting caught up in something that is more fantasy than reality, but
if you do, remember it's all part of the experience.

And lastly, here's a piece of advice that was given to me by the friend who
stood by me when times were darkest.  I took these words to heart and gladly
pass them on to you:

		"If you don't ask for the world, you won't get it."

You do have friends who care about you.  More than you realize.

					Steve

    	When I was seventeen, I lost my first true love. I thought life was
    over. I was crying and moaning to my brother's wife when, suddenly, she
    started laughing. It shocked me enough to listen to what she had to
    say. "Seventeen years old, and your life is over," she laughed. "That's
    the funniest thing I have ever heard."	
    
    	During my low times in life, I have always remembered that. Not
    that it has helped much at the time. Black times always appear eternal.
    But they are not. 
    
    	During my better times, when I remember this, I smile.  
    
    	Be good to yourself. Give yourself special treats. The child inside
    you needs that and will respond. 

 Paula-

 The first step to recovering from a down time is recognizing that it is a down
time. I am heartened to see that you made the effort to express yourself here;
you're on the right track. It is a good opening move. It feels good to know that
people understand how you're feeling, that they can relate. Use the positive
energy you get from the supporting responses here to propel you into another
positive step. And another. Make it snowball. Use the power of inertia to
your advantage.

 And expect that the road will be bumpy. But persevere and you will prevail.

 Like Steve said, it is vitally important to take the wheel in your own life.
If you feel you are being swept downstream out of control, at least start
aiming for some slack water in which you can regain your bearings and gather
your energy. Going upstream is a lot of work, and sometimes the current is 
swift, but reaching the headwaters is worthwhile. Remember that you don't always
have to go straight upstreama against the current. Look around you and notice
the spots behind large rocks where the water is calmer. Get to these places
and regain your composure. If you look at swimming upstream in one shot, it
can be an incredibly daunting task. Yet if you look at it as a series of
short swims from one pool to the next, it is easier to deal with. The rapids
don't last forever, Paula...

 Always build off of success and minimize the effects of failure. Create
reasonable goals and work towards them and reward yourself when you attain
them. Setting time limits during which you intend to reach your goal may be 
helpful.

 And when you need a pick-me-up, you can always write another note. There are 
people here that care about you. You are important. You are special. You are
loved.

 The Doctah

    
    Paula,
    
    	I'm not really as good as some at giving advice as I often
    have my hands full trying to live my life. 
    It seems to me that it took a lot of courage to write the
    base note and I think that that speaks damn well of you. 
    
    							Best wishes
    
    								Hank

    I want to thank those of you who have replied and called and sent me mail. 
    This notes file is a pretty warm place, and your responses have assured me
    it's a good place to turn for help and support.  
    
    Today things are looking better, and I'm just taking one day at a time.
    We'll see how things go.  I'm learning patience in my old age.  
    
    Thank you again for your support.  It really helped a lot.
    
    Paula

    Hi Paula !
    
    You feel alone, but you are not alone ...
    
    Open your eyes and open your heart : there is a lot and a lot of
    wonderful things to see around you, and a lot to find into yourself.
    
    A lot of kisses from one of your friends in France, remember that
    you are not alone,
    
    Hugs,
    Annie
    
    

    Boy, I hear ya Paula, I felt pretty much this way last November and
    December. I cried every day for nearly two months only I pasted a smile
    on it so no one saw it except in notes. It was easier to get it out in
    writing than to have to deal with people face to face. A lot of folks
    supported me long distance in mail and it helped.

    Part of it is fighting back and part of it is realising that just
    because you wanted life to turn out different doesn't mean it will.
    Sometimes we just have to accept that and make the best of it.

    I read a book about depression that suggested you make a time for
    yourself to grieve over what's not right in your life. You set aside a
    half hour and that's your time to cry and get it out. When the time is
    up you wash your face and get on with things. That's pretty much worked
    for me. I have my time every couple of weeks to cry and then I pack up
    the feelings and put them away so they don't stop me from enjoying the
    life I do have. Besides, we'll have the party soon and there will be
    more than enough hugs to go around. I have one saved for you already.
    liesl

    Human Nature is weird...
    Why all this? Is society the one that push us to be 'independents' to
    be self-reliant, to be one's own, etc, etc, etc? or is us, who wants
    to prove that we are all that when we are not? Either we want it or not
    we live in a society and we are part of it, it is not hard to reach out
    and talk to someone, befriend someone, be part of a group... one thing
    leads to the next, there are lots of lonely people but also lots of
    good down to earth people waiting to share their goodness within
    themselves, by avoiding people you might avoid some of the risks of
    being hurt but also, the chance to share love and trust with warm,
    sincere, good people... are you still afraid of reaching out and meet
    fellow friends? Believe me, all everybody is mean and bad, the world is
    full of great human beings, there are millions to choose from, from
    whum we could learn a great deal.
    Look around you, not inside you, and start sharing what you already
    have, with others.
    I wish you the best, and yes, you can contact me when you're down, or
    when you like it.
    Regards, Ana
     
    who we could learn