| Title: | What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? |
| Notice: | Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS |
| Moderator: | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI |
| Created: | Fri May 09 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Wed Jun 26 1996 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1327 |
| Total number of notes: | 28298 |
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Steve
Well, I usually am a read only person and must say I have learned
a great deal through notes. Now, I am asking your advice because
I really need it.
My husband passed away nearly 2 years ago suddenly after a lot of years
of being together. After a year or so, I started going out with his
"best friend". He was a good friend of mine too through the years
telling me his problems, etc. This guy was so great through everything
always calling and caring about me and my family. Things were going
fine, he had started talking about getting married and how wonderful I
was and how lucky he was. All of a sudden, he decided we should "break
up". I still can't believe it! He said we should be "friends like
before" - sorry, I cannot do that. This was a few weeks ago, but he
still calls and lets me know he cares and is coming over to visit. I
am really having a hard time dealing with this and sometimes feel I
have taken a giant step backward, really depressed big time, what I am
going to do now. Wait for him to change his mind?
I can't understand him, one day he's telling me he loves me and the
next we should break up.
Honestly, men should come with directions!
One thing I point out is that he was married maybe 15 years ago and the
woman really used him for a year and a half and threw him out when her
true love and real father of her kid came home from the navy. He was
completely thrown thru a loop and moved in with my husband and I who
helped him thru all that. Since then, he has really never been able to
have a real relationship because he thinks all women are going to end
up doing the same thing.
Thanks for all your needed advise.
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 999.1 | HENRYY::HASLAM_BA | Creativity Unlimited | Tue May 08 1990 21:31 | 10 | |
If you can't convince him to go to counseling to deal with the "buried
treasure of the past," I suggest you go to get over him. Do you
really want someone like this in your life? It sounds like a lifetime
of insecurity, and I don't think you need this now or ever. He
sounds either unsure and frightened or unstable. If the latter
is the case, it will make it tough to build a new life together.
If you want to write and talk about it, please do.
Hugs and Support,
Barb
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| 999.2 | ICESK8::KLEINBERGER | ummm....I forget | Tue May 08 1990 22:15 | 22 | |
If he is unsure, then the best thing to do is step away. Know what?,
that is so much easier said then done. He has been though a lot (I
know, so have you)... he is probably not sure of what he needs/wants in
the future. On one hand he says he doesn't want you, and on the other
hand, he gives you all the non-verbals that he does.
My advice? Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Live for the
day that you have before you. If that day includes him in it, then so
be it. If it doesn't, then live your own private life for that day.
I'd continue for a while {where "for a while" means an undetermined
amount of time} to let him know you still care, ie with a phone call,
VAXmail if he has a VAXmail account, but just let him "lead the dance"
for awhile. Sooner or later, he will notice you aren't around
emotionally as much, and will decide that he either likes it or doesn't
like it. If he does like it, you've got a jump on the status quo, if
he doesn't like it, he'll let you know.
Either way, I'd keep busy with other things, and start on the status
quo of today.
Gale (answering notes instead of studying for her final)
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| 999.3 | "Been There" | TOLKIN::GRANQUIST | Wed May 09 1990 12:39 | 28 | |
I tend to agree with both 1. and 2.'s replys, but I think I'd take more
of a middle road between the two.
You have to do what you feel is the best for you. If you're looking
for a permanent relationship, then you have to be prepared to tell
him so, and if he doesn't like that then go your own way. He may take
awhile, and realize what you mean to him, and come back ready to
commit to permanent relationship. He may also keep going, but either
way you win, because you will either be free to look elsewhere, or
you'll have the relationship you want.
By the way, this isn't typical of men only. It's usually caused by
insecurity, from difficult family relationships, or marriages. I
dated a lady who was very much as you discribed. She had a brother
who was the same way. He had dated this lady for six years, and she
finally told him it was over. Seven months later they were married.
I told my lady friend the same thing, and it is over!!! I don't
know if she thought of her brother, and decided that she wouldn't give
in to her feelings or what??? I don't know what she thought. I only
know what I was looking for, and a relationship with no commitment
was not one of them. I had dated this lady for 4 years, and we had
talked of marriage, she would even pick out houses as we rode around,
that she thought we might want to look at for our own.
The bottom line is don't let him use you, because if you let him, he
will.
Nils
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| 999.4 | dump 'em | PGG::REDNER | Tue May 15 1990 20:22 | 8 | |
my very short opinion is ....... get rid of him
who needs that nonsense.....the sooner the better....every day is
precious.
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| 999.5 | RAINBW::DROSSEL | Mon May 21 1990 23:10 | 3 | ||
Ditto .2
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