Conference quark::human_relations-v1

I'd like to also share with you this poem that my brother peter
wrote about our brother mike:

My Brother Michael
------------------

They say he was DEAD. No.
He is alive. I can see him smiling with his trophy.
I see him in his room at school.
I see him grimacing for attention after I feed him mustard.
I hear him, "Tep on it Dad"
I hear him, "Charlie Chews Chocolate Chip cookies"
I hear him, "Idiot"
I feel his belly.
I feel his generosity.
I feel his love.
They said he was DEAD.
They heard it on the radio in S.C.
They wrote it in the paper.
It's not true. He lives.
Inside of me.
I love him.

    I read about your brother in the Colo. Springs Gazzette Telegraph
    yesterday morning.
    
    My heart goes out to you and your family, Chuck.
    

    My heart, and my well wishes as well!  Prayers to you and to your
    family!
    
    Jill
    

Dear Chuck,

My warmest feelings and hugs for you and your family. 

I really know how you all feel right now (my best friend who was 
raised together with me like a sister died several years ago in
an accident) and therefore I also know that there are no words
of help.

I hope that you believe in "life after death" and you therfore know
that he will always be somewhere around you, it's just his body
that's gone forever.

Time will come when you learn to accept the pain and the loss and
you will know that there is some reason why these things happen.

If you wanna "talk", send me a mail, if not just know that
my thoughts are with you.

Take care!

Billie

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family in this time
    of grief.
    
    Lori B.

    My heartfelt condoleneces to you and your family at this time.  
    I am so sorry.
    
    Marie
    

    You have my deepest sympathy.  I heard those exact words before, too
    and I can still feel the impact.  My beautiful 20 year old brother was 
    killed by a drunk driver.  You will never forget, (and you'll find you 
    never really want to), and the pain will never go away but it does get 
    somewhat easier over time.  Lots of time.  And oh, how it makes you 
    appreciate life and the people you love.  What helped me a real lot those 
    numbing first few days and weeks were his, (our), friends.  First you cry, 
    then you laugh, then, eventually, you laugh more than you cry.  I gotta 
    stop here.

    I'm really sorry, Chuck.
    
    Lorna
    

    I will include you in my prayers and I am really sorry about your lost.
    You have my deepest sympathy.
    
    
    Lynne S.

    Chuck, hang in there and try to keep your faith!  We all have a purpose
    for being in this world.  Michael had his.  A child losing their life
    is so senseless.  Why does the Lord let it happen?  We don't know. 
    Other than he'll be above us always and will be looking out for those
    that he loved and protecting you.
    
    My son tried to commit suicide a month ago tomorrow.  He just turned 19
    last week.  I haven't come to grips with what he did yet and like
    yourself, it's going to take time.  For now you need to cry and not try
    to hide how you're feeling.  If you haven't already done so, you're
    going to get very angry as well.  The hurt, anger, and confusion about
    life never go away.  Just don't lose sight of hope and all the future
    holds for you and your loved ones.  Talk with your parents more and
    your brothers/sisters.  Open up and let them know how you're feeling. 
    They feel as you do.  Sounds like you have a very supportive family. 
    Remember that they need you as much as you need them.  Especially your
    folks.  I'm sure when they look at each of their children they see
    Michael as well.  You all have a part of him in your physical makeup
    and in your personalities.  Sit down with a photo album and look back
    at pictures.  Remember him with fond memories and still love him!  Who
    knows, Michael may live on through one of your own children or a niece
    or nephew.
    
    Chuck, take your time going back to work and when you do, don't feel
    that you'll be back 100%.  You won't be.  Your mind will wander, you'll
    think of your recent loss and you may even fill up with tears.  That
    happened to me last Friday and I had to leave work.  It's okay.  Let it
    happen.  Just do the best you can.  As one of the other notes readers
    said to you, Michael is a part of you and is inside of you.  He'll
    never go away.  He's just out-of-sight.  But he's there.
    
    Virginia
    

    You have my deepest condolences. My prayers are with you in time of
    sorrow and tradgey. I know that there is nothing to be said at this 
    time to help. 
    
    I lost my father last June and I never thought I would stop greiving
    but the pain eases in time. I know that his spirit is alive and with me
    always.

    Chuck,
    
    I am so sorry about your brother.....my heart aches for you and
    your family......I don't know you but what you wrote about what
    happened really affected me....I have 5 brothers and like your
    brother Michael, we also have a hard time expressing how we feel...
    we know the love is there, but don't know how to show it....I'm going
    to try from now on........
    
    My thoughts and prayers are with you......
    
    Sincerely,
    
    Gen Kelly

    My sincerest condolences, Chuck...  

    	Hi.....First of all I want to express my sympathy for you in this
    time of bereavement.  I too, have lost a sibling to a car accident. 
    For me it was my oldest sister by a drunk driver.  She was pregnant
    with her fifth child at the time so I can truely empathize with the
    depth of your pain.
    
    	I wanted to pass along a fantastic book to you.  The name of the
    book is "WE DON'T DIE!".  I read all the "Life after Death" books but
    this one was so down to earth and believable that it made me feel that
    death was truly just a transition and not an ending.  I think it will
    help sooth allot of pain I'm sure you feel right now.  Your loneliness
    will always be there in the fact that you can't grab and squeeze your
    brother again but I think you'll feel him ever present.  He'll become
    your most intimate confidant.
    
    					My heart empathizes your pain.
    
    						George Ardini

Chuck,

Thank you so much for this note. Thanks for sharing so much of your
feelings. I think it is wonderful that you feel so strongly for your
brother. What a terribly sad story, it made me cry just to read. It
must be so hard for you.

I hear such love from you to Mike and how you will always feel it. I am
sorry you had no-one to hug in those first moments, oh how you must have
needed to.

Take your own, very sensible, words to your family and hear them for yourself.

You sound like a wonderful guy, and it sure is ok to cry; I am glad you
can.

Please have my very best thoughts, if you would like to mail feel free.

Love ... Trevor

		POEM FOR THE LIVING


	When I am dead cry for me a little
	think of me sometimes, but not too much.
	It is not good for you to allow your thoughts
	to dwell too long on the dead.

	Think of me now and again as I was in life
	at some moment which is pleasant to recall.
	But not for long, leave me in peace as I shall
	leave you, too, in peace while you live.
	Let your thoughts be with the living.


				Theodora Kroeber

	
        Chuck:
    
    	It was very hard for me to accept my grandmother's death back
    	in September of '87.  Someone shared this poem with me at this 
    	difficult time.  I hope it can bring some peace to you too.
    
    
    	Michelle

    So sorry Chuck.  I know you're missing your brother. I'm sorry you're
    going through this.  These notes may help a bit, but after you log out,
    it's just you and your thoughts.  You'll get through it, but it won't
    be easy.  Remember your brother fondly.  He is near.
    
    -dwight

    Chuck I am very sorry.  I lost a close cousin 3 years ago in the
    USS Stark disaster.  A friend gave me this poem in my time of grief
    and I still keep it pinned to my cubicle wall:
    
    
            A butterfly lights beside us 
              like a sunbeam.
            And for a brief moment
              its glory and beauty
              belong to our world
            But then it flies on again,
              and though we wished 
              it could have stayed,
            we feel so lucky to have
            seen it.
    
        

    Dear Chuck,
    
    As alone as you may feel right now, you are not.  My mother died
    last Wednesday afternoon while I was in a meeting.  I had been
    expecting it, but it was a stunning blow nevertheless.  Please share
    your feelings with me as you need too.  Perhaps I can help you get
    through this time.
    
    Hugs and Support,
    Barb

RE:   <<< Note 971.0 by GUESS::DOUCETTE "Chuck, Expert Systems Tools Group" >>>
                           -< my brother is gone... >-

>	We showed up in Concord NH (from Marlboro MA) at 5am

The house was completely dark except for an light outside the kitchen door.
On the ground was a copy of the local paper wrapped in plastic lying in the
snow. I picked it up, pulled it out of its wrapper, and there on the
front page was the story of my brother's death.

> and were met by my parents at the door. We hugged each other and
> cried.

I walked into the bathroom and there on the wall was the Dear Abby
article entitled "Please God, I'm only 17" (about premature death due
to drunk driving). I asked my mother to take it down because I didn't
want to look at it.

    Chuck, 
    
    My prayers are with you and your family.  May you find peace in this
    most difficult time.
    
    My deepest, heartfelt sympathy.
    
    -Dotti.

Now, here it is five days later. Somehow our family has made it
through the wake on Sunday, the funeral on Monday, the newspaper
articles, the cards, the flowers, the food, the lawyer and now may
have to contend with tv reporters from "A Current Affair" on Fox.

Peter has gone back to teaching at the Woodhall School in Connecticut;
I'm here in Marlboro going through the motions at DEC; Chris has
returned to school in Rochester NY (U of R); and Rebecca has resumed
her studies at St. Paul's School in Concord NH. My father is also
attempting to return to his teaching duties at SPS and Concord high
school, where my mother works, has vacation this week. We all feel
lucky to have the support of friends in the communities in which we
live and work and we realize we shall not be operating on full
capacity for a while at least.

We all plan to return home in a week and a half and shall attempt to
go through Michael's material possessions and begin to acknowledge all
of the support which we have received (in many forms). On May 1st (his
18th birthday) we plan to bury his ashes in the SPS cemetery in a
private ceremony.

I wish to thank each and every one of you for replying to my note
publicly and privately. I shared many of these notes/messages with
family and friends and we were all touched. Soon I shall be replying
to each of you who sent me a private message.

Last night, when I called my roomate to tell him I was returning to
Marlboro, he (Jeff) told me that his father (Dick) was friends with Ed
Link, the father of the other victim Sharon Link. After I returned home,
I tried to call a friend of mine from Texas who had identified deeply
with Michael. I was shocked to hear that she had just sufferred a double
death in her family. I plan to send her at least a card today.

Chuck

I would like to share a few of my thoughts with all of you who may
have to experience what I have recently endured (or to offer comfort
to those who have).

Don't forget to eat and sleep or you may pass out or go into shock as
I almost did on more than one occasion. Don't be afraid or embarrassed
to cry or to hug someone (whom you may not recognize) or to talk to
people whom you may have just met or to do anything that feels right.
Take people up on their offers of support (don't feel selfish or
guilty) because you'll be making it easier for you and them (and since
you'll be more than happy to support them in their time of need).
Don't let the funeral directory mislead you into thinking you will
have the opportunity to kneel in front of the coffin and deliver
private prayers in the church (or anywhere outside of the funeral
home) because you won't. And, finally, acknowledge the support you
have received and perhaps you can leave them with something which will
help them to remember your loved one.

Don't be afraid that you don't know what to say to a friend or family
member who has lost a loved one. Almost anything you say is fine.
Most people say that they are sorry this has happened and offer their
sympathy and condolences and arms to hug or shoulders to cry on and
ears to listen to you. Perhaps I would avoid saying things like "it
could have been worse" since this implies that what has happened is
better than the scenario you portray which is not the type of thought
I wish to consider. Make sure you let the family know who you are
and how you know them or their loved one and please share any memories
that we may not have been privy to.

This has made me appreciate my family and life much more and perhaps
it shall open up some communication channels in my family which haven't
been operating too well. I would recommend that each of you take
some family pictures or home movies so that you will have them to
keep your memories alive. We watched some of ours on Tuesday night
and they are priceless.

Chuck

p.s.	May I ask each of you to go home tonight and tell each of your
	family members how much you love them all and give them a hug from me.

    This sad news was in the Atlanta Constitution also but I didn't
    realize at the time I read it that it was your brother.
    
    My prayers are with you and your family.
    
    - wendy -

                <<< PEAR::DUA1:[NOTES$LIBRARY]SOAPBOX.NOTE;1 >>>
                                  -< SoapBox >-
================================================================================
Note 518.27                           Obits                             27 of 27
GUESS::DOUCETTE "Chuck, Expert Systems Tools Group"  46 lines   2-MAR-1990 11:47
      -< my brother deserved his award; he simply didn't deserve to die >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RE:              <<< Note 518.15 ... >>>

>    Not any more.
    
>    Hope this helps.

	It doesn't help me. I did not find this comment amusing;
	simply insensitive and in poor taste like the front page
	headline in the	NH Sunday News (aka the Manchester Union Leader)
	which said "'Safest Driver' killed". He did deserve the
	award and the fatal car accident he was involved in a week ago
	(last Friday) was a tragic irony.
    
	For all of you who are wondering what my brother did to deserve
	his title, perhaps I can offer some explanation:

	The contest which my brother won was not like a "lottery".
	It wasn't based on his short driving record. He was selected
	by his driving instructor to represent Concord High School
	in the NH State Contest "Operation Driver Excellence" in
	which many of the state's counties/towns were represented.
	He won that and earned the right to represent NH in the national
	finals in Detroit Michigan last July (all 50 states were represented
	by teenagers who had won similar state competitions).In this two day
	event he had to take a written examination and a highway test
	like the kind you take for your driver's license except it
	was much more extensive and precise (like how often you
	look in the rear view mirror and how many inches you are
	from the curb and how many feet you are from the cars ahead
	of you and behind you). He also participated in a skills
	competition (driving through a parking lot) around cones
	at an exact speed and stopping suddenly within a certain distance.
	During the last part of the competition he was presented with
	visual situations (slides?) and given a description via audio
	tape and asked to give his response to the situation orally and
	justify it. 

	I hope this explanation will not leave you with any doubt about
	his driving abilities and that he deserved his award, the national
	recognition, and the use of the car and the $5000 scholarship.
	We are all simply left wondering why he didn't recognize and
	accept his obvious fatigue; perhaps he felt he had to defend
	his 17 year old ego (he couldn't admit that he was too tired
	to drive alone being so close to home).

	Chuck

    Chuck, you don't have to defend your brother to us. We (and I think I
    can safely include most of the H_R community) understand that life has
    many tragic ironies that defy explaination. Most of us can remember
    times (especially when we were teenagers) when only blind luck
    prevented us from becomming another accident statistic. My heart goes
    out to you. liesl

    Chuck,  I'm so sorry...
    
    Paula

RE: .27

	I realize this isn't SOAPBOX (many thanks to you all for being
	such a sensitive and caring bunch of folks). I just thought you
	might want to know (as others in SOAPBOX did) what sorts of things
	Mike had to do to win the driving competition; but, be sensitive
	enough not to ask about it (or at least phrase it better).

	Also, as someone else in SOAPBOX so thoughtfully pointed out, please
	also say a prayer for Sharon Ann Link (the 19 year old female driver
	in the other car who also died) and the passenger in her car
	who suffered some serious injuries and who may still be recovering
	in the hospital.

	Chuck

Chuck,

	I'm soo sorry for your loss.  Please give yourself a hug
	for me.

	I hope from the responses you've received you realize 
	your NOT alone.

	I lost my twin sister in a car accident when we were 22 years old. 
	Her picture was also on the front pages of the Boston newspapers. 
	Hers was also a senseless death, the Police were involved in a 
	high-speed chase after two boys in a car and the boys went head-on 
	at 90mph into the car that Betty was a passenger in. 

	I don't think you ever get over the shock of it, and the words 
	"Here today..gone tomorrow" have a whole new meaning.

	TIME is your friend and your broken heart WILL MEND. 
	I found the first year of all the holidays/anniversaries was 
	the hardest.

	Your very fortunate, in that, it sounds like you have a 
	very loving family.  Your brothers death may serve as the
	catalyst for your family to start articulating their feelings
	about and to each other.
	

	I found a book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" a
	big help for me, by Rabbi Kirshner, His son had Pregoria
	disease (Advanced chronological aging in children).

	Take-care of Yourself Chuck 	


					Sincerely,

					Barbara

    Chuck
    
    I was very sad when I read of your brothers death here... I know
    nothing I can say can really help... 
    
    You may be interested to know that there was a small piece in "The Sun"...
    one of the UK's national newspapers...
    
    The Sun 6/3/90
    
    "'Safe Car' lad dies"
    
    "A boy voted America's Safest Teenage Driver died when his car crossed
    to the wrong side of the road and hit another head-on.  Police believe
    Michael Doucette, of Concord, New Hampshire, may have fallen asleep."
    
    
    
    Xtine                                    
           

    Chuck,
    
    My heart goes out to you also.  I want to thank you for sharing
    your grief - this is one of the best ways to start healing.  I have
    lost a son and worked with other parents and families for years and
    understand the need for sharing.
    
    I also want to thank you for thinking of the other kids in the
    accident.  My son was a friend of the 19 year old girl who died.  So
    this accident has come close to us in several ways. 
    
    May all the people touched by this sad tragedy understand our love and
    care for you.
    
    Ellen

    Chuck, I'm so sorry.
    
    --bonnie

This past monday I had to attend the funeral of a friend who was
buried at the school cemetery where Michael will be buried in two
months.

I just found out that tonight at 7pm and 11pm on "A Current Affair"
(WFXT ch. 25 out of Boston) they will broadcast Mike's story. After
the family reconvened last week we had planned to offer them some
limited cooperation since they were going to do the story anyway; now,
we won't have the opportunity. Let's hope for the best.

Chuck

p.s.	and, my parents don't have the opportunity to watch the broadcast
	immediately since they don't receive the signal in concord NH and the
	local cable company doesn't carry it (but I'll tape it for them)

    Chuck.........
    
    Saw the Current Affair story about your brother last night....Had my
    daughter watch it also, since she had no prior knowledge of your loss
    and I wanted to get an unbiased opinion.....
    
    I thought, as Current Affair goes, it was done sensitively and in as
    factual manner as they can do.....  They had so much good to say about
    Mike, and stressed the fact (or I felt they did) that the accident only
    happened because of fatigue and not due to drugs or alcohol, etc.
    
    My daughter felt the same way about it, and also said she thought it
    was done with compassion and understanding........
    
    I hope things are beginning to get a little better for with some time
    having passed, but it will take a lot more time to really be able to
    live with it......  My husband has been gone 2 1/2 years, and not in
    such a tragic way, but I still cry every now and then over the loss of
    him......I think that will never change.....
    
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.....  Take
    heart..... It really will get easier to live with.....somehow.....
    
    Barbara

    I also thought it was well done.  They portrayed your brother as the
    all American kid, did well in school, loved by everyone, and was
    tragically killed in the accident.
    My best thoughts are with you and your family.  I know the pain of
    losing a loved one.  My little girl (6 1/2) died a little over 4 years
    ago.  The pain and loss will always be there but won't always be as
    deep.  I didn't believe it at first when people told me the same thing.
    One thing that helps me is to continue talking about her and keeping
    her memory alive.  I also am taking the time I NEED to grieve and not
    letting people tell me how long I should take.  Take the time YOU need.
    I guess I'm rambling....
    Anyway, my deepest sympathy.