Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    How to do that? by priorities, by simple common sense.  I don't find
    hard to get used to three kids and their needs...we were kids once, so
    we HAVE been there. I have three kids, and a full time job, and a
    house, and some social life too, it all depends of what we like best,
    for example, I do clean the house on weekends and that has priority
    over other tasks because I like to live in a clean house, that usually
    takes the morning and leaves the evening to go out to dinner, to do
    shopping or to to movie... why not? groceries shopping can be done
    after work any day of the week. Laundry I normally do on Thursdays and
    fridays so I have free time during the weekend, and if I have a dinner
    on any of those days I do them any other day, remember, flexibility is
    the key to take the strain off yourself. Since my kids are grown and
    live out I get very little help from them, so I learned to do things by
    myself and believe me, it is not hard, anyone can do it with some
    planning.  No need to throw ANYTHING out completely, but level up your
    needs and develop a schedule or pattern to fill your needs (no need to
    have trouble with friends, spouse, acquaintances, coworkers. Family and
    husband/house should take precedence over them).

    There is no balance in my life.  
    
    I find that accepting that is the first step to sanity.  I don't have
    three kids, though I have one.  But I'm a single parent, working full
    time on a relatively new career and trying to have a social and
    spiritual life of my own apart from my daughter.  At times I get into
    survival mode as far as time constraints go.  Usuually, though, this
    only happens when there is no choice.  I also find that I have only the
    time that I believe i have.  In other words, if I believe I have time
    to do something I will.  I guess it's sort of an unconcious setting of
    priorites.  Then again there's the concept of folding the time-space
    continuum so you can always find the time to do what you want to
    do...but that necessitates your belief in your ability to manipulate 
    dimensions and...well...forget it.  :-)  :-)
    
    Nanci

Bonnie,

As a three kid mother - with all three under the age of four at one point,
you learn to do a lot of things. Once you learn that you aren't super mom, 
and if there is dust on the ceiling, it can wait..  windows don't have to 
be done during the summer, and if you don't have a dishwasher, paper plates 
can even be used in the kitchen. 

As the kids grow up, you learn that it is more important to read them a 
story good night than to wash the bathroom floor...

Work time is work time, and you learn to (semi) erase them from your mind 
during that period, but you learn also that work is from X to X ONLY!. Once 
you leave work, your attention is on the home and what is there.

You learn that at times, you call someone (anyone you trust!), and say 
these kids have taken their toil on me, I need to just take a bath... and 
they (the callee) comes over, and watches the kids, you take a book into 
the tub, and take a relaxing bath... or go for a long walk, or...

As the kids grow up - its amazing what happens..  I now no longer do 
housework, or cook dinner (80% of the time), because quote from one of my 
kids "Mom, you work hard all day, its not fair that you have to come home 
to a mess that we created" - So although the housework isn't to the level 
that *you* like, you come home and the house is picked up, and then you
can work on other issues (homework with the kids, dating, MBA program, 
etc).

The main thing to remember is that you don't have to do everything Better 
Homes and Garden perfect. It's perfectly okay if the dishes aren't done one 
night, or that Susie went to bed one night without a bath, or that the 
sheets on the beds weren't stripped *every* week.

As for finding time for you, you do...  if the kids get up at 6am (what 
kids don't :-)...), you set the alarm for 5:30am, and enjoy the peace and 
quietness of the house, and drink a diet soda (coffee for the squeamish)
and read a book, or cross-stitch a Christmas present, or just sit and 
enjoy nothing.

If you can't afford a sitter to go out, them arrange for someone in the 
{neighborhood, church, parenting conference, etc} to do some exchange 
sitting. If you still can't afford to go out, then go for a walk, go window 
shopping, go sit and watch the ducks... I think you get the idea.

The kids will grow up, you won't feel like death warmed over for much 
longer, the diapers will be outgrown, and one day, they will say "Mom, I've 
decided to try it on my own"..  then you have time to do more housework, to 
work longer hours, and to miss the little feet climbing into bed with you at 
4am that say "Hold me mom, please?"

As a single parent - you learn to say, "mind if we just watch a movie on the 
VCR tonight, cuz I just really don't want to leave the kids", or you learn to 
say, "I can't afford to go out and pay for a sitter also", and if he *really* 
wants to go out, he'll help with the sitter.

Yes, the priorities do change, as the kids grow. You sorta just notice that 
as they grow more independent, that now you have to arrange when you can 
have the car and not need to be a taxi (my 15.6 year old asked me yesterday 
if she can have my car and not have me trade it in when I get a new car 
later this year :-)...).. you notice that indeed at around 8 (for girls at 
least), you don't need to check every inch of their body for being cleaned 
:-)... and when all three become teenagers, you learn to either get a 
second bathroom, or make *them* get up an hour early, while you sleep..
you learn that at 3, they can put milk into a bowl of cereal left in 
the frig and you can sleep 20 minutes more on a Saturday... it just sorta 
sneaks up on ya - nicely...

As for trouble with people accepting, I never did, but then again, I have 
had friends that have grown with the children, before they were in school 
my friends were all mothers with kids the same age of mine, so we all were 
in the same boat... as the kids have gotten older, I find the friends I 
have now are ones that accept my kids, and accept the life that I still have 
to have around them for a couple of more years (7 more until the baby is 18!)...

Take it slow, enjoy the kids... that's what life is all about. When you do 
that, the others things sorta just fall into place, however overwhelming it 
*DOES* seem at first..

Good Luck... send mail if you ever need a sitter :-)

Gale

Sometimes you have to prioritise...

says she, looking forward to 3 weeks ironing tonight 'cos of it always being 
lowest priority...


I have no kids, but I commute for 3-4 hrs a day... this doesn't leave a lot of
free time... but one thing I have decided is that as soon as I get my lodgers
settled in we will be getting a cleaner... my free time is worth the cost of
a cleaner to me....


Xtine

    I'am also a single mother, with two children and my priority is
    making sure there is some sort of balance in our lives.  I'am lucky
    to have a network of friends and family around me to take over when
    I feel a little stressed out!  I agree that it is very hard at times
    trying to juggle all the things in my life, but I also believe that
    it has made me a stronger individual and I appreciate things alot
    more than I use to.  I sometimes feel selfish if I put myself before
    my children, but I have been told that sometimes you just have to
    do it.  I don't really have a social life because that is what I
    choose, but I still get out every now and then for a movie, or dinner
    with a friend.  My life is better now than it was a few years ago,
    and all the struggles I have gone through are well worth it!!
    

    Change is what life is about.  A creative writing professor once said
    that life is a line through time - when something happens to cause you
    to deviate from that line, profoundly affects you and keeps you from
    ever returning to it, its called a "short story".  
    
    I like to think of my life that way, one short story after another.  I
    never got a chance to see what would happen if I just followed that
    straight line day after day, but I don't think I miss it.
    
    I don't have any children either, but the most radical change in my
    life (in retrospect - radical changes ALWAYS sneak up on you so you
    never realize it) was moving from CT to MA, and finding out that,
    despite how much I love my work, that there *IS* more to life.  
    
    It took a while to accept, and it felt uncomfortable as I gave up my
    security blanket of spending evenings and weekends at work, and free
    time thinking about work.  But it has changed my life as much
    (relatively speaking, of course!) as having children affects the lives
    of others.
    
    Change always involves a trade-off, giving up something to get
    something else.  But, with luck, you will find you've traded up.
    
    I've also discovered that, not having all my emotional eggs in one
    basket has made my life more balanced and healthy.  MENTALLY, anyway. 
    I find I sometimes run myself ragged, as I'm sure you will find with
    three children.  
    
    And you'll never get time to do EVERYTHING you want to do.  But
    satisfaction will come from knowing you can't do everything, but that
    you've taken a healthy whack at the important ones.
    
    I think this kind of serenity and balance comes with time, and you
    won't know its coming, but sometime you'll look and see its there.
    
    Jim
    

    I like .6's image of change.  But I guess if we look back on our
    lives, we don't really see the turning points, just the straight
    line leading us where we are now.  And the outside changes, like
    moving or having a baby, are a lot easier to explain than the
    changes that are coming from inside yourself.
    
    I find it interesting that the majority of the replies focussed on
    managing the time around the children, as though the housework was
    the only issue involved.  I wasn't thinking in terms of making a
    particular set of priorities work so much as I was of the process
    of arriving at those priorities and then implementing the changes. 
    Hasn't anybody suddenly decided they wanted to train for the
    Ironman triathlon, or start socking away all their money to start
    their own business, or go back to school, or concentrate on work
    to get a big raise to send the kids to college (just to name a few
    possibilities that come to mind).
    
    How do you go about implementing the changes you want to make? 
    When you've gone on comfortably in your two-career routine, making
    even a small change in one place can have drastic consequences at
    the other end of the system.  Changing the work day, for instance,
    can require adjusting everything from babysitter schedules to the
    kids' bedtimes.  When you've been  career-oriented for years, your
    employers don't always take kindly to hints that you're not going
    to be quite so willing to stay a few hours later.  When you've
    been a social butterfly, deciding you'd rather spend an evening
    home with the family can hurt friends you care about deeply. 
    
    --bonnie

    Bonnie, I answered the way I was when I had to adjust to three new ones
    - when they each joined the family as a newborn...  

    Housework is the first to change in the priority section. 

    To get at being a social butterfly, or not be a social butterfly, to
    work long hours or not to work long hours, and all the other things you
    are worried about - I didn't EVEN consider it, so I'm not a good one to
    tell you how to do that with three little ones.

    But I can tell you - that until about two years ago (when my baby
    reached 9!!), did I even think about having a life for myself.. the
    first thing I did was go back to school one night a week, and go to
    noters parties on occasion. Even dating was done not more than 5 miles
    from my house at the most, but mostly consisted of taking the girls to
    Pizza hut and then back to my house for a movie usually.

    I am just now staying out at night - letting them babysit themselves,
    to go to the theatre, have a date, or whatever. I am just now taking
    two courses a week, but again, I had to give and take a lot (see TOPIC
    on should I put my life on hold for a year)... I'm just now adjusting
    to what its like to have a life of my own.

    Personally - when my kids where small(er), all I cared about was them,
    and figured I had the rest of my life to do the flying lessons, the
    cruise, the long hours at work, or whatever...  but that was my thought
    pattern, which seems different from yours. Perhaps someone else who is
    a two-parent family can help out - I just can't fanthom a one-parent
    family knowing. 

    And if I've never said it, Gale -- I admire tremendously your
    ability to keep your head together and raise your family without
    the kind of support I've been blessed with.  I was a single parent
    for a while, though with only one child, and I'm convinced that
    raising a family alone is one of the hardest jobs in the world.
    
    --bonnie

    Bonnie - 
    
    I know my last reply was kind of tongue in cheek but I find that really
    the only way I can do what I need and want to do for me as well as what
    needs to be done for my daughter is by simply believing that it can be
    done and ploughing through life with that belief.  It sounds sort of
    strange but if I believe it, it happens for me.  I may not be able to
    explain exactly how but it happens.  I'm one of those single parents
    who wants it all - for me and for my family.  I believe I can have it
    and, so far, I'm doing a pretty good job at living my possibilities.
    :-)
    
    Nanci

    RE: .9
    Bonnie.. thanks..  although I don't think I'm any different, its nice
    to come across and read what you wrote :-)

    
    For me, its simple. 
    
    I have a work life.

    For a few years I was a single mom, working full time and going to
    school part time.  The priorities were dynamic, rather than static.
    For example, when term papers were due, or I had to study for exams,
    that was top priority, but would immediately be pre-empted by any
    illness or other problems my kids might have.  If I needed time out,
    we'd spend a weekend in the mountains.  Other weekends were spent
    cleaning the house and doing yard work (for me yard work is fun and
    relaxing).  It may be unstructured, but for me it works.
    
    Oh, I left out the social life.  I went through periods of dating or
    not dating.  Work was a given, but didn't spill over into the after-
    5:00 PM life.  Though dating was sometimes important, it was always
    scheduled around my own classes and things I needed to do for my kids.
    Priorities were based on what needed to be done at the time - either
    my school, my kids, some R&R, housecleaning - it changed constantly.
     
    Paula