| Title: | What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'? |
| Notice: | Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS |
| Moderator: | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI |
| Created: | Fri May 09 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Wed Jun 26 1996 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1327 |
| Total number of notes: | 28298 |
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Steve
I'm entering this note on the behalf of a very good friend of mine.
I personnaly must admit that I do not understand this situation either.
My friend has been with her boyfried for 5 months now and just before New Year
they went of on a 6 day trip together by car. On their way, on the first day,
they had a terrible car accident. The car slipped on ice in the mountains and
rolled over 8 times down hill. Although her boyfriend, who was driving,
did not get hurt at all in the accident, she came out with many injuries
(one ankle broken, the other twisted, broken shoulder, perforated lung,
6 broken ribs and many other minor injuries) and was in hospital for 8 days.
Then, on her own decision, she went back home, (now for 2 weeks) to look after
herself with the help of girl-friends. Since, her boyfriend has been acting in
a funny way. He has only called her twice and, when he says he is coming round
to her place to see her he calls up one hour after the time he says he would be
coming to tell her he is not coming. He also promises to call her and then
doesn't. She has a lot of difficulties moving around and needs not only the
physical help but mostly the moral support from the one she loves. She has tried
several times to talk about this but it seems to just go over his head.
My friend has a very strong personality and has been through two other situa-
tions where she was physically handicapped (broken back and blindness). She
has specialized in Parallel medicine and gives many conferences.
The relation with her boyfriend, as she describes it to me, is one of sharing,
giving each other little suprises, tenderness and joyfullness and deep intelec-
tual exchanges. Up until the accident.
I must admit that he is going through a difficult time for the moment : he is
divorcing and is having to redo an old apartment with a friend of his as
quickly as possible so that he can live on his own. He has 2 daughters (10-5)
who live with their mother.
But he seems to be putting more importance in this apartment and his
personal situation than to her. Is this normal ? Is it some kind of a counter
reaction to the accident ? Would you do this in the same situation ? Has any-
body been through this kind of situation ?
Thanks for your time,
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 953.1 | HOO78C::VISSERS | Dutch Comfort | Mon Jan 15 1990 17:46 | 16 | |
For starters, if I'd be in the shoes of the boyfriend, the one thing
I would be facing if I only half way felt anything for her was a
feeling of responsibility and coupled to that a quite severe feeling
of guilt. The car slipped while he was driving, he came out unharmed,
and she was quite severely wounded. It sounds very difficult to
deal with.
Ofcourse it's all well and true that it might not have been his
fault, and he should understand she needs him rather than blame
him for it - but it looks like he's having quite a problem with
it.
Are you close to him, or do you know anyone who is, who could have
a talk with him about that?
Ad
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| 953.2 | 2EASY::CONLIFFE | Cthulhu Barata Nikto | Mon Jan 15 1990 18:43 | 22 | |
| 953.3 | survivor's guilt? | TLE::RANDALL | living on another planet | Mon Jan 15 1990 19:14 | 8 |
It's a normal human reaction to feel a great deal of guilt when
one survives uninjured in a situation where others are killed or
injured. A consequence of the guilt is often avoiding the injured
party -- so the injured person can't scold and scream.
It's called 'survivor's guilt,' I think.
--bonnie
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| 953.4 | QUARK::LIONEL | Free advice is worth every cent | Tue Jan 16 1990 00:11 | 16 | |
Another possibility, not necessarily instead of "survivor's guilt" is
a fear of loss. He may be denying his feelings because he's afraid of
getting hurt by losing her, or feels unable to deal with her possibly
permanent disabilities. This was one of the subplots of a recent
episode of the television show "The Golden Girls", where "Blanche"
refused to visit her boyfriend in the hospital after he suffered
a heart attack, because she was afraid of getting emotionally
committed to him and then losing him. In the show, Blanche finally
did visit, but he had already decided that she "wouldn't be there
for him" and told her goodbye.
It could be a combination of several things that people have mentioned
here. Perhaps our comments will help her understand, if not to
accept.
Steve
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| 953.5 | Go through them, now. | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | This time forever! | Thu Jan 18 1990 13:09 | 49 |
My guess is that he's feeling really bad about the accident;
that he "messed up big time", injured the one he loves and that it's
"his fault". He likely re-experiences these feelings via association
when he attempts to go see her, and the pain he then feels as this
eats away at his insides is just too much for him to bear. This
happens despite the fact that he knows how much it would mean for
him to be there for her, and it's probably overwhelming him.
Of course, the feeling of abandonment on his girlfriend's part
- cause he's not showing up - is probably eating away at her insides
too, along with the rest of her pain. :'(
He needs to get in touch with and eventually face his feelings
about this accident, perhaps in some way where he can. If it's too
much for him to face them directly (by going to see his girlfriend)
he may be able to get in touch with them and work through them somewhere
else - like with a good friend or even a professional. Having done
this, his emotions may not be so overwhelming when he goes to visit
her. Either way, it's something that will take "guts" to do and I
sincerely wish him the best!
One time when I was 17, I had a boating accident with my first
real girlfriend. I knew I shouldnt have let her drive the thing!
(my fault) People were injured, including her, ambulances came,
and I can remember being scolded by a police officer "You better
damn well hope that little girl is okay!" as I sat drenched in
my clothes at this picnic table, head down, with a crowd of people
staring at me. I felt terrible that this had happened, that it was
my fault, and that I really messed up big time. Instead of facing
and working through these feelings, (what'd I know about _that_
when I was 17?) I instead tried to effectively bury them and numb
them out. My girlfriend was on crutches. I distinctly remember being
unable to be there for her, cause just seeing her reminded me and
brought back this "terrible" feeling - one that I was trying to
"get rid of". Well, I know now that you dont "get rid of" feelings,
the only way to get past them is to go through them and it's through
the experience of doing so that gets you free.
She felt terrible about my subsequent distancing. I didnt know
that I didnt know what the hell I was doing to myself and the
relationship. I leave it to the reader to guess what happened to
us. As I recall, she got me back pretty good about a year later,
when I finially snuffed out my feelings about the boating accident,
and wanted to see her again. I cried a lot over that one, and my life
took a turn - downward.
Joe
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