Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    I'm answering this question based on what I've learned about
    Colorado laws.  The info may or may not be valid in your state.
    
    In our degree it was specified that child support payments would
    be made thru <drat, now I"ve forgotten the actual name of the
    department> the court system. Department of Family Services or
    some such thing. Anyway, that particular branch of the court
    system is relatively worthless in my opinion. However, someone
    at the department did tell me that if my exhusband was not making
    payments thru the system as specified then they regard that as
    payments were not made and he could be prosecuted for non-support.
    
    Since he pays by check, he has a record of payment, but the implication
    was that I could sue for non-support should I so desire (not that I
    would do so), and the court system would pursue the case simply be-
    cause they had no record of payments being made.
    
    It's also possible that your children's mother has been advised that,
    should she cash the checks, she is tacitly agreeing to the change
    (reduction?) in child support.
    
    Sounds as if your best course of action is to consult an attorney.
    
    Deb
    

    Deb has a good point.  If she is not cashing your checks then she
    could very well be proteting herself legally.  See your lawyer.
    
    Your getting the account for your daughter was in good faith and
    all - - but we all know how the law works (and not necessarily
    fair either).  I'm with Deb.  Talk to legal counsel...
    
    joe

    
    Talk to a lawyer, but if it helps send her money orders.
    My boyfriend has been advised to do this.  He keeps the
    carbons and other materials attached (a tracer if needed).
    It works well for him because he no longer needs to wait
    for her to cash them to keep his bank account current.
    
    Just an idea!
    mi

I have a friend who has been having trouble getting regular payements from
her ex for a long time.  He pays occasionally, varying amounts of money.
Unfortunately she was divorced (in Texas) long before the current standard 
of automatic payment through the courts, and wage garnishment, etc.

She cannot afford a lawyer so she contacted the court, which will provide
assistance free of charge.  The FIRST thing they told her was to not accept
ANY money from her ex while they put together a case, or while the case was
pending.  If she accepted any money from him then she is, in effect, agreeing
to the payment.  So.... she just settles for what she can get because the
backlog is more than 1 year in her county.  Something is better than nothing!

Perhaps your wife has been advised similarly.

Kristen

P.S.  It is the same way with bounced checks.  I had a roommate bounce some
	checks to me.  An attorney told me to not accept any partial repayment
	of any kind or the court would not handle the case.

    Sounds as though your ex is gathering evidence against you for breach
    of contract.  Granted, you really are still supporting the kids, but 
    the check is supposed to go directly to your ex.  This could be a
    tricky one.  In Mass. (IMHO) anything goes depending on what judge you
    get if this does come down to another visit to court.  When I got
    divorced (and this was 8 years ago so things may be a little different
    now), the money one got for child support took in a whole realm of
    things (as the word support denotes).  It really means more than
    clothes and food, it also means providing a home and the costs in main-
    taining that home.  Afterall, if there was only one child, one wouldn't
    need more than a 2-bedroom residence vs. if there are 2 children of 
    different sexes, one would need a 3-bedroom residence which, in moist
    cases costs more to own/rent, etc.  Am I making any sense to you?  The
    child-support I got went to helping me stay in the marital home for my
    kids.  If I didn't have them, the home would have been sold as I didn't
    need all that room just for myself.  So, I would think the courts MIGHT
    view it as I am trying to explain it and, therefore, you could be in a
    little hot water if your ex wants to really push this to the max.  Hope
    this helps!  I would ask a lawyer for advise ASAP!!!  Also, you might
    just want to ask your ex where the cancelled checks are because it is
    making it difficult for you to maintain an accurate balance in your
    checkbook and see what she (I am assuming you are the ex husband) has
    to say about it and that might give you a rela big clue right there.
    
    Good luck!
    

    Did you try talking to your ex about WHY your daughter is paying
    for her own clothes?  We expect Kat to pay for her own clothes out
    of her allowance now, at 16, as part of learning how to manage
    money while she's still at home and it won't be a disaster if she
    screws up a time or two.  When she starts earning her own money, I
    imagine we'll expect her to pay for even more of her own expenses,
    and the money we have been spending on her is going into a college
    fund.  
    
    If your daughter was doing something similar, the money you think
    was being wasted might be going for something different but
    equally beneficial to your daughter.  In that case I don't blame
    your ex for being upset. 
    
    --bonnie

    in re the checks
    
    quite a few years ago my brother in law took a second mortgage on
    his house. After a period of time the man who held the second
    mortgage stopped cashing his checks. Bro in law made the mistake
    of not keeping enough money in his account to cover the uncashed
    checks. Result: the man came with in a hair of taking the house
    for non payment of the mortgage.
    
    Bonnie

    This happened to me while I was growing up.  My parents were divorced,
    and I was living on my own (boarding school and then a summer job
    on a farm).  Since I wasn't living at home (at ALL, not even
    vacations), my father sent me my part of the child support. My mother
    continued to receive the child support for the other 3 kids.   Although
    this seemed/seems rational, especially since my mother hadn't had
    any communication with me in years (no gifts, medical bills, clothing,
    etc.), it was still ILLEGAL since the agreement was that she was
    to receive the child support.  When my mother finally took him to
    court, I believe they did change the "order" to say that I would
    receive my portion, but even though my father had documents to show
    that he had been giving me the money in the past, he still had to
    back-pay my mother, since that was done without the courts approval.
    
    Hope this helps.  I suggest you talk with an attorney.
    
    Lisa
                                                                  

    
    Sorry to break into this discussion, but I have a related question.
    My friend has been layed off form a well paying job.  He was paying
    1/3 of his salary for child support.  Now he is on unemployment.  Does
    he still have to pay Child support or is it waived (for lack of a
    betterword)?
    

    Child Support is not waived unless he goes to court with a request for
    an adjustment.  He is required to pay the amount, and if he doesn't
    when he does get a new job, all that salary can be garnished until
    it is paid in full...
    
    Tell him to consult a lawyer quickly...

    All these suggestions to contact a lawyer -- I have to guess you've all
    had better luck doing that than I have.  On each of the three occasions
    I have found it necessary to contact a lawyer, it cost me more than it
    saved me and not just in money, either.  Isn't there any other solution 
    in this society than to take something to court?
    
    Karen

Contacting a lawyer does not imply going to court.  Indeed, if you want to
AVOID going to court, contacting a lawyer may be your best bet.  I've never
regretted the times I've chosen this path.  Those who avoid lawyers may
not see the hidden cost until some years down the road.

				Steve

    In some states, his payments can be suspended while he's not
    employed.  But he'll have to notify the judge/court/service that
    collects the money, and they'll tell him when he doesn't have to
    pay.  
    
    --bonnie

    When you do talk to your lawyer, it might be beneficial to bring
    up the fact that she appears to be managing just fine without the
    child support.  If she's plotting something, it could backfire into
    having the amount of the payments reduced.

    Maybe your ex is saving the checks for a major purchase for your
    daughter.  Like a car, or college tuition.

    RE: .15
    
        If that was the case, wouldn't it make more sense for the ex to
    cash the checks and put the money in an interest-bearing account?
    
                                   Greg

    Recently my ex called and asked if he could count on me to let him
    claim our child on his income tax return so that he could take
    advantage of a child care plan that is in effect in his company.
    He does pay the daycare profider directly and the method of payment 
    was not specific in our case. I have sole custody and usually get the 
    tax credit.
    I thought about it and discussed this with my husband and consulted
    a lawyer(breafly over the phone). I finally agreed to the change for
    "the tax year 1990 filed in April 1991". Following the advise of
    my lawyer we wrote up a brief statement explaining this and then
    went to a notary public and had it formalized.
    
    I consulted a lawyer to verify if it was ok to let him claim the credit
    for one year and not any others(he didn't have physical custody and in
    the state of CO the tax credit is awarded to the parent with physical
    custody). The lawyer explained that just because it is usually awarded
    to the party who has physical custody doesn't mean we cant make our 
    oun arrangement as long as only one parent claims the child in a given
    tax year. He did suggest that it would be safest for all parties to
    formally accknowlege the agreement by getting it notorized so we did.
    
    My oun advise when working with divorce agreements is talk about what
    you want to do and see if both parties are in agreement with whatever
    is proposed then get it formalized with the notory. 
    
    The expence in lawyer fees is when the two people are in disagreement 
    about something then you must present your case and let the unbias
    judge decide what the agreement is going to be.
    
    In another situation In a different divorce involving child support the
    judge was told that the father, who was not awarded custody, was
    currently unempoyed and the judge set the child support payments at
    $30.00 a week til he got a job. Needless to say he did not pay
    child support for many years (accumulating to more than  $5000.00).
    
    Eventually He did start sending me the money addressed to my daughter.
    After much coresponence He has finally started wiring payments to a
    savings account. Since He is working I guess I could take everything
    back to court and ask about what the payments are suppose to be when he
    is working.
    
    He is not really making a great hit with his daughter who has seen him 
    all of three wks and two days in the last eight years. He did not send
    a christmas package for her and nothing for her birthday....and he had
    the nerve to ask me when I saw him last why I acted like I did not like
    him. This Christmas my daughter did pick out two presents for her
    father and I wrapped them up and sent them off and again no present or
    card for Christmas or her birthday. The thing I dislike most is that he
    talked to her on the phone and asked her what she wanted for Christmas 
    and basically let her believe that she would recieve these idems and
    then nothing shows up.
    
    Some people you can make agreements with and they will stick to them
    and others will stick to them if it is convinient for them so get it in 
    writing and notarized.
    janet
    

    RE: .0
    
    Was it such a wise idea to change the prcess here based on the fact
    that a 17 year old claims to have to buy her own clothes.  Most kids I
    know are prefectly able to spend more than you give them and on things
    that you might rather not have them spending money on.  Maybe she has
    defined "clothes" as "the fad stuff I want to wear, not what my Mother
    buys for me", and your ex was using the money for clothes.  I'd have
    talked to my ex anyway to get both sides of the story before making any
    such changes, which, as several people have pointed out, may constitute
    a violation of the original agreement.
    
    My 2 cents.
    

    Thanks to everyone for their input.  I can't take the time for a
    reply-by-reply response, but in general here's my response:
    
    I didn't break the agreement until my ex had already broken it in at
    least three different (and documented) ways.  I'm still not sure I
    broke it, since I am still paying all the child support required - and
    more.  Only a court could issue the ultimate decision about this, since
    the decree doesn't specifically state I have to pay the support TO my
    ex, only that I have to pay it.
    
    I'm currently looking for a lawyer for advice.  But I definitely would
    prefer to avoid a court confrontation.  I'd like to think we're adults
    and can negotiate these things without a judge in attendance.  Maybe
    I'm wrong.
    
    Many of the other points raised are good observations, but don't apply
    to our case.  For example, I know my ex isn't dependent on the child
    support for paying college tuition, since my daughter is paying about
    65% of her own tuition through scholarships and her earnings and the
    balance is divided equally between my ex and me.  And, yes, I can trust
    my daughter to tell me the truth about who's buying her clothes.  She's
    not your average teenager - and I know that for a fact; it's not just a
    proud parent talking.  I mean, she came to me during the winter
    holidays
    and had to take money out of the account I'd set up to buy underwear.  
    And the first item on her Christmas list was socks -- plain, white
    socks!
    Does this sound like someone whose clothes are being bought for her?
    
    As for talking to my ex, I've tried.  I've called, and not had my calls
    returned.  I managed to make contact last week, only to be told "this
    isn't a good time to talk about this."  It's a week later and I still
    haven't heard back at a "better" time.
    
    As I said, I'm going to talk with a lawyer, to protect myself, but
    I'm not going to fold on this one like I have on so many of the others.