Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    It sounds like you have some quite unrealistic expectations. From your
    description, it appears most of them are no more unpleasant to you
    than to each other; you are indeed being treated like "one of the
    family." You should probably expect that this won't change. Surely you
    should not consider it to be YOUR FAULT, as you seem to. It also seems
    odd that you scarcely mention your spouse, either as someone with a
    role in these relationships, or as a source of support and advice.
    
    Most of all I think you need to take it easy on yourself. Even if
    family events are uncomfortable, don't let guilt spill over onto the
    rest of your life. If you can get along pleasantly with some of them
    (the younger sister?), enjoy that. If you can relax, it may be easier
    with everyone. It is hard to tell from a distance, but it doesn't sound
    as if writing letters is a very promising approach.

    Yup, Bruce has a point.  Chill out a little bit and let time
    heal the situation.  You have to stop and consider the evolution
    of the relationship.
    
    Do they know you were seeing him while he was still 'married'?
    And don't forget - - he got a divorce then married you pretty
    much right away.  Maybe they don't like the fact that you are
    so young. (don't think I am being harsh - but people can be
    pretty uptight and resentful for pretty stupid reasons!).
    
    I just sounds like they have got a problem, not you.  Just be yourself.
    You seen to be nice and sensitive, if they are going to be rude
    and insensitive, let 'em.  They'll eventually get over themselves.
    
    Besides - - isn't your marraige the important thing?  There no need
    to look for their acceptence when it isn't there right now.
    
    I say...give it time...it might take a few years.
    
    also...how does HE get along with your family...???
    
    
    joe.

    Joe makes some good points about letting the relationship(s) evolve,
    and trying to get at what value judgements they may be making of you
    (i.e."do they know you were seeing him while he was still 'married').
    Sometimes, however, a small "bomb" or two is needed to shake things up.
    
    What is your husband's role in all this?  How does he behave when you
    are ignored? I don't mean to suggest that he is responsible for the
    behaviors of his family, but perhaps he should state clearly and
    cleanly that he doesn't like the way you're being treated.  This should
    be done one-on-one, not as a "family announcement", and he should be
    careful to be very firm and not swayed by guilt (e.g."oh, we don't
    really mean it that way, she's too sensitive").
    
    (I went through something very similar; my husband was 28 and I was 19
    when we married.  I'm English-Scottish, he's Armenian. (Two cultures
    that are about as different as night and day.)  Several of his six
    sisters were distant and not-warm towards me because he was expected to
    marry a "good Armenian girl", and I sure ain't. His mother
    spoke to me in Armenian for some weeks, until he told her in no
    uncertain terms that his wife was not to be treated that way, and he
    refused to visit her for what was ultimately a couple of years. )
    I wasn't aware of some of the tension, because it was in Armenian. 
    Anyway, after his "stand", his mom started being a lot nicer, as did
    his sisters, and we get along quite well now; I'm no longer referred to
    as "Peter's wife", but I'm "one of the sisters".)
    
    Good luck!
    
    Lynn
    
    

    First I'd like to say, thanks for the advice.  Here are more details.
    My husband defends me when he is personally confronted (usually by his
    mother)  this only happens when he's alone with her.  She never says
    anything to me.  He trys to explain why "I act the way I do" and by
    doing this he has eased the situation. (it used to be worse!)  He and I
    have a very loving relationship and we haven't let these problems
    affect us at all.  It just bothers "me" and I believe it bothers his
    mom or she wouldn't confront him "about" me instead of to me.  He gets
    along well with his family, though they take advantage of him - which
    he admits.  (he likes to help people but sometimes it's to much...)
    They are a huggy-kissy family (mine family is not)  Yes they all knew
    that I "saw" him while he was "married"/separated and I did get blamed
    for things I didn't deserve but remember...it's been five and a half
    YEARS that we've been together.  The family knew about me 5 years ago
    they just didn't meet me for a while.  At times my husband feels torn 
    between them and I but has assured me that IF his mom EVER tried to
    make him chose, he'd chose ME.  (He says he's never been happier -
    *blush, blush*)  As for his older sister, he's not as close to her as
    he is to his younger - (thank God)  I just feel bad about the whole
    situation - thinking that since they are "strange" then it's up to me
    to be more outgoing and try to become part of the family....
    

    Expereince has taught me that when I overextend myself it usually
    leaves me frustrated.   I would say - yeah! - make an effort!
    
    But it wouldn't be to classy on their part to make you grovell
    (that IS a word isn't it?).   
    
    My experience has been with trying to make friends who aren't 
    receptive.  What I found what happened was I would overextend
    myself and then feel hurt at not recieving it back.  A lesson
    learned.
    
    When my brother,Ken, got married we had trouble with accepting
    his wife.  Though my ideas of her have changed (she is an
    EXCELLENT mother to her children, etc.) it was hard at first
    'letting' her in to the family sceme of things.  I think it like
    a natural territorial thing.  Here you have a family who are
    all quite comfy....then someone is thrust into the situation.
    
    It takes adjustment on the part of the family.  BUT, these people
    sound a little stubborn.  Especially if they are REAL close like
    you say.  They could see you as a threat to the harmony they've
    worked years to achieve....
    
    stop me quick before I get toooo philosophical...
    
    best of luck - - be patient.
    
    joe

    
    You sounded in your base note just like I did about my in-laws until
    about four months ago.  Some of your lines were exactly like mine.
    
    I'm going to tell you what changed how I felt.  Take what you want and
    leave the rest.  The problem was that I was trying to make them my
    "family" instead of allowing them to be in-laws which is all they are. 
    I felt like I should be treated like their children were.  Why?  I'm
    not their child.  Once I was able to let go of trying to make them
    "family", I was able to relax.
    
    You'll never change them.  Your family is you, your husband (you didn't
    mention children, but if there are now or later), that is your family. 
    Anything beyond that, if it works well is a bonus.
    
    Contact me if you want to talk.  I do understand how you feel.  You're
    doing things just as I did.  If I can help, I'll be glad to.
    
    Faith
    

    re:base noter
    
    WHY BOTHER?????? Unless you're a masochist, stay away from his family
    for awhile. Tell him you're uncomfortable with them and he's welcome to
    go on his own without repercussion from you. Why torture yourself??
    If they don't want to accept you, don't beg. Don't grovel. You didn't
    them in your life prior to meeting them, you surely don't need them
    now. Reassure your hubby that you love him and this decision changes 
    nothing in your relationship, but you refuse to waste time around
    people who want you elsewhere. 
    
    If you continue to let them get to you, they will. Who knows, maybe
    your hubby will join you. Then who loses?? Certainly not you.
    
    Ken

    I was being polite before...
    
    I can agree with ken...who really would need the aggrivation.
    
    You've got your hubby, you love him and he - you...
    
    sooooooo.....that's the important thing...your marraige...
    
    joe p.

    Hello and good luck!
    
    
    I'm the original writer of note 557.0 and have now been married for
    seven and a half months!  We've been gloriously happy with his mother
    ever since the wedding - to my surprise!  What exactly did it I'm not
    sure but I DO know that standing up to a harsh, domineering, woman is
    what got the ball on track.
    
    I laughed when I read your description of your mother-in-law.  Sounds
    SO much like mine!  We have our good days and our bad, depending on HER
    mood unfortunately, but our mother-daughter relationship has most
    definitely improved.
    
    I used to be like you, worrying what everyone in the famiy thought of
    me, doing the dishes and cleaning up just to avoid talking with that
    unpleasant woman so that I wouldn't say anything to make her further
    dislike me. (her daughters family too) Then finally one day I decided 
    that I *had* to be me and whether she liked it or not I would be.  Well, 
    I would have done it earlier if I thought it would have changed things 
    the way it has!  I even like her most of the time!  I've just got to 
    overlook many things she says and does, just as the rest of the family 
    does.
    
    I also did mention one day that I was trying SO hard to be friends with
    her but she was making it impossible.  (This was before the wedding)  I
    basically had a heart-to-heart talk with her - one that took TONS of
    courage!  And I weenied out a little bit - I did it over the phone. 
    Thank goodness because my entire body was broken out in blotches and I
    was shaking like a leaf!  THAT'S how nervous I was!!!  But I stood firm
    on my opinion and told her how I felt.
    
    Maybe you could give this a try?  It'll be hard but hopefully
    rewarding!
    
    If I can be of any help to you off line feel free to contact me.  I'd
    be more than willing to talk with you.  Seems like we have alot in
    common!
    
    Cheers!
    
    Denise
    

    
    Hmmm...
    
    I guess I should insert my apologies here, up front,
    so everyone knows I am not being personal...
    
    But...
    
    I think that you are, as a previous reply stated, being rather
    unrealistic...and hruting yourself and your self-image in the meantime.
    
    Look at it from their standpoint for just a sec....[yes, they are
    people too and have their own set of reasons for feeling like they
    do...which is probably pretty upset and at-a-loss]
    
    They most likely put some time and/or effort into forming a
    familail type of relationship with the previous "in-law". As you stated
    the older sister is her "best friend"...well...? If you had a best
    friend who married your brother and then re-married the woman he had
    been "cheating" with on the side...how would you greet the newcomer?
    
    Now...for anyone who knows me...you all know that I am not heavy into
    fidelity or words like "cheating"...BUT...these folks may indeed look
    at it this way...and even if you think they might be over-reacting...I
    would think you could understand their predicament...they may be
    totally uncomfortable with you and not know how to communicate.
    
    Added to this is the issue of residual loyalty and friendship with the
    previous wife....this is not a simple case of "they don't like
    you"....it would seem a very convoluted case of mix-and-match loyalties
    and friendships...and like it or not....your position as the person
    "IN THEIR EYES" who was an important cause for this disruption in
    their extended family...makes you the one who is going to feel
    unliked...a misfit...at least for a while.
    
    I am not chastising you...or them. I am presenting a case for
    understanding the opposing forces in this situation and riding them
    out. If you take it personally now...it may be harder to relax later
    when they all have had time to adjust to the new scenario.
    
    And...if I might make just one out-of-line suggestion...
    
    I seems to me that if you did not feel [justified or
    unjustified...feelings are feelings and will happen anyway]
    just a tad "guilty" about your role in this family...then their
    struggle to accept you might not bother you as much.
    
    OK...fire away...my shields...[although not used lately] are up.
    
    Melinda

    You don't need their approval.  Sounds like the family is angry
    with your husband (for divorcing #1). You are providing a scape
    goat for their feelings.  Try and distance yourself and give it
    some time. Good Luck.  
    
                           Lori

    And above all, don't EVER lose your cool or your class.  Stay pleasant,
    stay sweet, and stay above the pettiness even if that means staying
    away.  They have issues to work out and right now, you ARE an outsider.
    They are strangers with whom you will have to create your own
    relationship, (and like always, some will be more successful than others),
    not a ready-made family for you.  Tolerate them as best you can
    as a labor of love for your husband.  Class always wins in the end.

    My advice would be to work on developing yourself so there is
    contentment and satisfaction within yourself.   It seems like your
    in laws are not very sensitive to a new member of the family...its
    their problem, not yours.  Do what you feel is right, say what you feel
    is right, and then if things don't come your way from them, consider it
    their loss (because it is!)  
    When I married (a long time ago) I tried to be accepted by my in laws. 
    After 20 years of marriage I was never accepted for what I brought into
    the family.  I figure (after alot of pain and tears) their loss, and
    mine too.  But at least I had the love inside me to try, and after
    everything else, still have compassion and love for them (they are both
    deceased as is my marriage).  
    Good luck and "take care of yourself".  You sound like a very nice
    person.