Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Karen,
    
    	I strongly suggest that this young woman rent a Post Office Box in
    what ever town she would like to be a resident of.  She should also
    register with the town municipal office and be established on the
    voting register to be assured legal residency in that town.  She does
    not have to supply a street address, as she can just say that she is a
    student and may move from semester to semester or sooner, and that her
    address is at the PO Box as provided.  With this arrangement she has
    established legal independance without dragging you in  (I get the
    feeling that you become her accomplice if you let her claim your
    address, and it may not be in your best interest if her parents want to 
    get nasty.) 
    	To this point, my legal residence is in Monmouth, my mail is in a
    PO Box in Manchester (to get my mail on the way to Monmouth), and I am
    currently living in Sidney.  All my bills, notices from the town of 
    Monmouth, etc. go to the Manchester PO Box, no questions asked.  
    	Tell her to do it right and above board - don't claim addresses or
    residences that are false.
    	I don't know what the legal ramifications are if you let her claim
    your residence as hers, but I think it may be important to know in case
    you are tempted to agree.
    
    For what opinions are worth,
    Eric

    re: .1

    While it is true that nearly everyone (except U.P.S.) will accept a
    post office box as a mailing address, my experience is that the post
    office supplying the box, the department of motor vehicles, most other
    governmental or "official" agencies, and many financial institutions
    require a permanent residence address (a real street address),
    regardless of whether or not you also have a p.o. box.

    As to advice to Karen, I would have the same reservations. I think I
    would advise a brief chat with an attorney.

    -Tom                         

.2 is correct - some government agencies (FCC, for one) won't accept a P.O. 
box for some uses.

I had a friend in college who had a drivers license and car registered to
his dorm address, so you could suggest that too. Also, in Massachusetts the
RMV allows you (or did a few years ago) to specify a mailing address in
addition to a street address, so when I didn't have a permanent address I
had the RMV send correspondance to my parents in Pennsylvania (your
daughter's friend could have correspondance sent to a P.O. box).

    
    >Re: .2 and .3
    
    My address as stated in .1 is a PO Box.
    The Post Office required no street address from me.  They asked me
       where I live, and I told them.  They asked why I don't take a PO Box
       in that town, and I told them it would add a 10+ mile round trip to
       my commute each day.  No problem.  (The questions were small town
       talk, not ones to validate if I qualify for a box or not.)
    The Motor Vehicle Dept. required no strret address from me.
    No financial institution has ever ask for a street address - I just up
       front tell them my residence is the town of Monmouth, but my address is 
       PO Box etc.
    The town of Monmouth asks only my mailing address and what road I live
       on, no numbers, RFD number, or anything.
    The Internal Revenue Service accepts my PO Box as my address, and just 
       Monmouth as my residence.  There's one govt. agency not to worry about.
    
    Other government offices may have different requirements, but this young 
       lady may not have dealings with government offices - and when she does,
       she should give the PO Box as the address.  
    
    	Which makes me wonder - who does she want to furnish with residence
    information? 
    
    Eric
    
       

    
    
    If this woman wants to be free financially from her parents she
    must have a long talk with her college financial aid office.
    I know the rules have changed since I left school.  So I will not
    put the rules I remember in cause they may not apply anymore.
    
    This certainly is a tough thing for her to have to choose.  There
    are far reaching implications than just not having mom and dad
    to help out.  I would advise sending her to a financial planner
    and a lawyer.  She is going to need advice in both arenas.  
    Your daughter must be a special person and so should you to want
    to help this person.  Good luck to all of you.
    
    Michele
    

    re. -.4 (Eric)
    
    At this point she figures she'll need a permanent address for auto
    registration and driver's license.  There will probably be other
    needs she discovers as time goes on (IRS and bank, just to name
    two that have been mentioned in this string), but she is just in
    the early stages of her investigation, and being a teenager still,
    car was the first concern to enter her head.
    
    re. all
    
    Thanks for the input so far; I'll pass concrete suggestions on to
    her as they come forward.
    
    Karen

    I knew of many people who used their dorm address as their address.
    Some had stuff sent to PO boxes (bills ect) as well, because they were
    constantly moving during the course of the year.  Mass RMV had no
    problems w/ dorm addresses (this was usually a street and box type 
    set up), infact I doubt they could differentiate it from an apartment
    address.  
    
    SHe might not have considered using a PO box, or she may have
    underlying reasons for wanting to use yours.  I would also suggest 
    that she speak to the financial aid office, She may not realize 
    what she is getting herself into (or how bad it might be to have to
    admit she can't do it on her own.....).

    Some other things to consider: your daughter is a freshman, she has
    only known this girl since September, yet your family has taken her in
    as if she has known her a lifetime!  In my four years of college, I met
    lots of people from similar and different backgrounds than mine.  That
    is what makes college life so much more interesting. BUT, how many
    people do I still keep in touch with from freshman year? How many
    people did I befriend/lose from freshman to senior year?
    
    I commend you for opening your heart and your home to this stranger,
    but keep in mind that you are only hearing one side of the story.  You
    do not know this girl's history, her parents, all of the situations
    leading up to this.
    
    Once you let this girl use your name and address for ANY type of legal
    address you are opening up the door to a lot of problems.  Supposing
    she applies for credit cards, loans etc... and gives your address, then
    can't pay the bills or moves away.  YOU will receive all the warnings,
    phone calls, and collection agents at YOUR door.
    
    Be careful! your daughter is in a very impressionable state of mind
    right now.  She wants to make friends and feel less like a new kid on
    the block.  It is during the first two years of college most kids will
    experiment and do lots of things they never did before.  And is this
    girl is used to having financial security, at age 18, without a job
    or a college education, she won't last long.  She should try to work
    somethign out with her family to get through the next four years.
    Her therapist should be the one to lead her down the right path and
    work things out, not your daughter.
    
    Please let us know what you decide.

    Re. -.8 (C_Miller)
    
    Thank you for putting your finger right on some of the nebulous
    concerns I've been having.  I agree that the freshman year at college
    is a tumultuous time of adjustment, breaking away, learning,
    establishing and breaking relationships, etc. etc. etc.  Perhaps
    that's been in the back of my mind as I felt some resistance to
    throwing open my arms/heart/home to this "stranger."
    
    YET -- _IF_ what we're hearing is really true (and who would want
    to reject it out of hand, given some of the reports in this and
    other conferences and in the press of people looking the other way
    when a hurting soul cried out for help?) I want to do what ever
    I can that's REASONABLE, RESPONSIBLE, and SUPPORTIVE.
    
    As I've indicated in previous responses, I've referred the girl
    back to her counselors for what I HOPE will be informed advice.
    I've also (just this week) indicated through my daughter that we
    (the adults in this equation) can't be expected to do much more
    than make her feel welcome for the holidays until the girl feels 
    she is able to open up to us (not just to our daughter) about her 
    situation, her needs, and her expectations.
    
    I have no way of knowing what type of rearing this young person
    has had.  My own children were taught and encouraged in independence
    from a very young age.  As a result they know that there are certain
    things they can turn to me for and others they're going to have
    to handle on their own as a result of independent decisions they
    have made.  I'm honored that my daughter has felt there's enough
    compassion in me to come to me with this problem.  Yet if it were
    her making the same decision (for whatever reason), I'd hope she
    had enough foresight to anticipate most of the problems that would
    result and be convinced she could handle those problems on her own
    before opting for financial independence.  I don't want to be placed
    in a situation where I'm supposed to expect less from a stranger.
    
    Are there any readers of this conference who have gone through the
    process of establishing financial independence (apparently a rather
    formal process required by most schools before they will provide
    financial aid to a student without considering parental assets in
    the decision)?  What is involved?  Can a youngster realistically
    hope to provide food, clothing, and shelter for him/herself and
    continue educational pursuits?  (She does have a marketable skill
    - EMT training and certification -- to call on.)
    
    I'm so thankful it's not my daughter facing such a decision!
    Karen