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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

822.0. "Coping with the strains of family and work" by QUARK::HR_MODERATOR () Wed Aug 23 1989 02:13

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				Steve

				




    I have some serious family problems, along with some  personal stress -
    both mental and physical. I thought some feedback might be good to
    receive, because I don't know where to start to begin alleviating some
    stress, and obtain a more positive state of mind. 

    I'll start with the immediate family problem. I  changed some details,
    but I think the gist of it is what is important. 

    My mother and siblings have been involved in planning a family event.
    The actual planning, beginning  about 6 weeks ago, became a problem.
    One sibling  wanted to have my parents host a function. Because of some
    past problems, they did not think this was a good idea. When I was
    approached by a sibling  to put pressure on them, I had to agree with
    my parents, and suggested we think something else up. I ended  hanging
    up, as I was being yelled at. (in my office)I sort of expected this
    type of reaction, and thought the sibling would be OK a a week or so. 

    Well not so. Right after this incident, the sibling  came up with a
    reasonable alternative, which they  shared with my parents and not me.
    Ok, but I at least knew what the plans were. Soon after, my friendly
    attempts to  communicate were ignored, (and not even this subject, 
    just general types of conversation) and the sibling seemed to be very
    angry, still. 

    Ok, I still try and do my best the day the event arrives. It went
    fairly well, although I heard the sibling comment how others in the
    family "were useless" in planning this.  I should add the sibling was
    gone away on business  the week before, and I and other's were left to
    piece together loose ends, because no message had been left as to what
    things needed to be taken care of.  I  figured most of it out anyway
    and just did it. 

    Well, people gathered after the event, and to keep  this short, The
    evening ended in a brawl.   I hit the sibling (and immediately left, I
    was horrified I had done it, and had my spouse take  me home quickly).
    After, other things transpired  (and I don't know these other factors
    that caused the actual brawl) but the house ended up in shambles with
    the police arriving. I had a small part in this,  but feel just as
    guilty as if I had started this whole thing. 

    My family is in shock over this. To make matters worse,  we all have to
    travel to another state before Christmas to  take place in another
    event, which will include a  family we don't know well.  

    I don't think any of us know what to say to each other.  I know I am
    willing to discuss this with the family, ( I talked with my parents at
    length) but we are not  sure that the other siblings can control their
    tempers.  (alcohol was a large factor in the fight, obviously. I  had
    never done anything like that in my life).   However, tempers flare
    badly when booze is not present.


    The other factors for me is that I have a disease that acts up when I
    am under stress. I commute a distance  work, and have the potential to
    work in a DEC facility closer to home, but we all know how rare a
    transfer is these days. My current job is one that I have been  anxious
    to leave for some time, but due to the state of DEC, I feel like I'm in
    limbo, unless I can magically acquire the skills to become a Principal
    whatever. 

    Unfortunately, I don't have a friendly group of people to interact
    with, and the dynamics of our work  right now are nil - we are in a
    phase of "waiting for a project".  I offer to help others in my group,
    and work on bits and pieces of things until I can scrape up more work. 

    The combination of these three problems feel scary to me. I  feel so
    overwhelmed by everything happening all at once, and I don't really
    have the type of manger I feel comfortable with when discussing matters
    like this..... in fact I don't even WANT her to know what's going on in
    my personal life. 

    I would dearly love to feel good about going to work,  and to manage
    this family crisis, but now it is more  of a strain than ever. I would
    like to hear from people  that are trying to deal with a similar
    combination of problems,  and what steps to take to try and feel
    better. 


T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
822.1changing roles in family?TLE::RANDALLliving on another planetWed Aug 23 1989 13:1250
    I'm beginning to sound like Dear Abby with the same advice for
    everybody . . . but it sounds like you should talk to somebody in
    the Employee Assistance Program.  They're generally very good at
    helping out with work-crisis situations, it's completely
    confidential (your manager will never know), and they can refer
    you to outside counsellors who can help with your family problem. 
    
    Something about the tone of your narrative makes me wonder if
    there isn't some kind of unacknowledged tension underlying the
    surface causes of the fight -- someone's drinking problem, maybe? 
    Something that the rest of the family has agreed should be kept
    under cover, not admitted even in private?  The person who is
    willing to face the emotions and refuses to conspire to keep the
    lid on is always resented and blamed for the family problems. 
    Often they even blame themselves (sounds like you're doing that.)
    
    A friend of mine was thrown out of her family circle for years for
    complaining over Christmas dinner that her father was always
    drunk.  It was the simple truth, but she was blamed for daring to
    say things like that about her father.  She wasn't reconciled with
    her family until years later, after her father finally got
    treatment for his drinking problem.  
    
    If there is a family problem, you probably can't solve it for
    yourself.  All you can do is detach yourself from the old
    patterns.  It will be extremely upsetting for them, but you'll
    have to figure out how much of your own life and peace of mind
    you're willing to sacrifice to keep the family functioning the way
    it's used to.  Did you really have to pick up the pieces of
    planning this function for your sibling after s/he disappeared the
    week before, or could s/he have been left to absorb the
    embarrassment of his/her own shortcomings?  Do you have to go to
    this upcoming out-of-state event?  What are the consequences if
    you don't go?  What are the likely consequences if you do?  
    
    I'm not suggesting you answer these questions here, but they're
    the kinds of questions that I had to ask myself at one point when
    I felt like my family was using me as the family's emotional
    lightning rod -- I was the designated emotional one, and no matter
    what the underlying conflicts were,  everything was fine as long
    as I kept my temper.  And when it got to where I couldn't take it
    any more and I blew up, the resulting disruption was my fault for
    being too emotional.  It spared everybody from having to look at
    the real issues.  When I moved away and quit playing the role,
    there was a lot of tension and resentment over my "defection" for
    a long time.  Any time you change your role within your family,
    it disrupts the entire pattern of family interactions and it can
    be very stressful.
    
    --bonnie
822.2Response from anonymous author of base noteQUARK::HR_MODERATORThu Aug 24 1989 14:5446
Just to add some clarification around my original note....


The event taking place in a few months is a wedding.
My sibling is marrying, and the rest of us are 
in the wedding party.  Unfortunately, we don't have 
the option whether to attend or not. 

We hesitated to conduct this type of party, because:

1. The sibling getting married has a LONG history of 
troublemaking, being generally immature, and causing
my parents a great deal of heartache. He is the type
of person so obnoxious, you could tell him that and
he would not comprehend HE has a problem. 

2. A young relative and her SO of the siblings and myself have 
trouble when they drink. i.e. they punch each other out, 
and in general cannot handle their liquor. 

3. The other sibling and her mate cannot stand the above couple
because of the fighting, which they have been witness to 
numerous times. 

4. The above players, when together, for lack of a better
phrase "DON't KNOW WHEN TO QUIT". Like walk away, go home, show
discretion, back off. They turn into hysterical raving lunatics,
which is how the evening ended. 

Another factor - many of us work for DEC. We also live in
in close proximity to each other. I'm trying to picture how
future family dynamics will work, because we can't change our 
job or homes currently. 

The dynamics of this mess are so complicated I can't even think.
I have acknowledged my part and apologized to the sibling I
hit, so I have taken responsibility for the piece I owned that
night. The really awful fighting that went on after I left (
and this had nothing to do with me) involve issues I cannot 
understand or address. 

My husband and I are thinking of talking to a counselor who
can facilitate a meeting for the rest of the family. We are 
worried that my other siblings will lose control of we don't
obtain professional assistance. Is this a good idea? 

822.3Skip the riotMINAR::BISHOPThu Aug 24 1989 15:068
    You always have the option of not going, even to a sibling's
    wedding.
    
    Why not determine beforehand that you will leave after the
    ceremony (i.e. not attend the reception and anticipated
    riot)?
    
    			-John Bishop
822.4You Do Have a ChoiceHPSTEK::BOURGAULTThu Aug 24 1989 17:3625
    
    This is my first reply in this conference.  
    
    The previous response is totally correct.  You have the CHOICE of not
    going to a sibling's wedding, even if you are in the wedding party!
    
    Sure, it will cause nasty feelings.  Sounds to me though like there are
    already so many nasty feelings that some more wouldn't make any
    difference.
    
    You can't change other people.  You CAN change yourself and your role
    in a relationship.  When you change your role, the relationship
    changes.  If you start to refuse to be drawn into these family messes,
    eventually your family will realize that they can't bait you or use you
    for the "emotional lightening rod".  I know.....I used to be the
    lightening rod in my family.  I stopped allowing it.  Now the
    relationship is better because my role is being me.  
    
    Just for background, my mother is an alcoholic who kepts totally self
    centered, opinionated, obnoxious, etc when she drinks.  I now walk
    away.  And I do that for me!
    
    Good luck.
    Faith
    
822.5restricting the liquor would help, if it can be doneCADSYS::RICHARDSONThu Aug 24 1989 17:4124
    If some people are expected to overdo it at the bar at the wedding,
    maybe the discrete thing to do is to have it "dry" except for champagne
    for the toast?  - of course, that will only work if your folks, rather
    than the problem sibling who is getting married, are paying for the
    reception, and only if you can convince them to not have an open bar
    (without causing WW III).  Otherwise all you can do, if protocol
    requires you to be there, is to recruit a few like-minded relatives to
    help keep things under control - which may or may not work real well.
    You don't have to stay for the whole reception anyhow; no one will
    notice if you disappear after a politcally-correct interval, especially
    anyone who might be drinking too much - slip away if that is starting
    to happen!
    
    We did not want to have a bar at all at our wedding, just wine, but my
    mother-in-law insisted that the relatives would expect one, and offered
    to pay.  As it turned out, the only person who had a little too much
    was my husband's boss (someone drove him home).  Most of our friends do
    not drink anyhow, or only drink wine, and we didn't particularly want
    to tempt anyone else who didn't know real well who might end up having
    too much, but people were all well-behaved anyhow.  Of course, we got
    to do pretty much whatever we wanted to arrange (unless persuaded
    otherwise as in the liquor supplied by my m-i-l) since we paid for the
    whole thing - that helps!
              
822.6Stay outta the fraySSDEVO::CHAMPIONLetting Go: The Ultimate AdventureThu Aug 24 1989 17:4412
    You say you don't have the option of not attending your brother's
    wedding.  Obviously, you feel obligated to attend and will most likely
    feel guilty if you do not.  Keep in mind that it is YOUR RIGHT to say
    "no".
    
    I agree with .3's suggestion - attend the wedding, but not the reception, 
    since that's probably when the "fun" will begin.
    
    Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself first!
    
    Carol
    
822.7LEZAH::BOBBITTinvictus maneoThu Aug 24 1989 20:0811
    I agree with the right to not attend the reception, and the
    recommendation of the dry bar.  However, if you have no choice,
    try and make sure you are not scheduled to sit at the same table
    with anyone you think may cause trouble.  Even if you *are* slated
    to be in the "wedding party" proper, try to find some people at
    a remote table who you know, and spend the reception getting
    reacquainted with them, or just shooting the breeze.  And if things
    begin to get nasty - leave.  Immediately.
    
    -Jody
    
822.8Just say no...TOOPHE::FIKEMike Fike-AS0 Q.E. Lab 271-6781Fri Aug 25 1989 14:0935
	I feel for you for the strain your family relations is putting on you.
Years ago I experienced the same type of family dynamics between siblings and
as I got older and married with a family of my own, I concentrated my 
emotional life on my "own" family.
	I came to realize that ALL siblings tend to disagree, but the real 
problem is that people just don't know when or how to "let go". Have you ever 
noticed in nature how the sibling animals will grow up, mature, and leave to
form their own clan/den/family. I think that we as humans try to artificially
extend relations that were never naturally intended to be lifelong. All 
relationships have a beginning, middle and an end. Even sibling. 
	It sounds like that's where your sibling life is now, with everyone
trying to "get along" in spite of their differences and resentment builds up
and finally an "explosion" due to all the repressed anger/resentment/etc.
	The solution may be very obvious , but for some , difficult to accept-
....leave, and put it behind you. Go on with you life/job/spouse/kids and let
the past die. Ignore weddings/funerals/reunions and any other "staged" events
that you know will cause you discomfort. Don't call/write/e-mail with your
siblings because you can't fight with people you don't deal with. Eventually
they will get the hint and stop bothering you, and you'll be the peace of mind
you deserve.

	I read somewhere of a conversation betwwen a therapist and their 
patient and it goes like this.

Therapist: Then why do you think you let your family keep treating you like
	   that?
Patient:   My family needs me. I love my family. MY FAMILY IS MY LIFE!
Therapist: And how is your life?
Patient:   MISERABLE!

	Case closed.Be happy...


							Mike