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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

816.0. "Friend's wife just a bit too friendly" by LDYBUG::GOLDMAN (Running down a dream) Tue Aug 15 1989 16:02

	I'm entering this for a friend (who wishes to remain
    anonymous).  If you want to contact him by mail rather than
    replying here, you can send it to me, and I'll forward the mail.

    	Amy

        ================================================================

        I have a really good friend, his name is Cash.
        I met Cash several times before I moved here
        and now that I do live here we have become very
        good friends...or BRO's is what Cash likes to call
        us.

        My friend Cash just recently got re-married and I stood
        up with him at his wedding.
        I never felt more positive about two people who
        were taking that walk down the aisle.

        A few weekends ago Cash left with his brothers on a
        camping and hunting expedition. He asked me to look in
        on his kids if they called me...no problem, they like
        their "uncle" (oh, the kids are from a previous marriage)

        While he was gone, his wife called and asked me to
        come over and play with his kids, she said they were
        anxious to see me...Hey, this was the call, so I dropped
        everything I was doing and got there in about 10 minutes.

        When I arrived, my friends wife was barely dressed
        and no children were to be found.

        She asked me in and offered me a drink. I suggested that
        she get dressed, but that was ignored.

        She asked me to hold her, I refused...I was getting real
        nervous and tense
        I did get out of her grasp and I left

        I thought about staying, that's honest, but something
        about that just isn't right

        I feel sorry for my friend and his wife
        and I really don't know if I should say anything to Cash
        about it or not
        I can't forget it because my stomach still hurts when
        I think about it

        Anyone got any suggestions ??

T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
816.1Not real common...but you showed great character and integrity.MISERY::WARD_FRGoing HOME--as an AdventurerTue Aug 15 1989 16:099
    re: .0
    
         Reminds me of what "Arnie Becker" (the character played by Corbin
    Berensen) went through on L.A. Law this past tv season.  Interesting
    situation.  I'll butt out, there are plenty of arm-chair Ann Landers
    here.  ;-)
    
    Frederick
     
816.2Hmmmmm.FDCV06::ARVIDSONWhat does God need with a Starship?Tue Aug 15 1989 16:4320
RE: < Note 816.0 by LDYBUG::GOLDMAN "Running down a dream" >
>                           -< Looking for feedback >-
You came to the right place.

>        I thought about staying, that's honest, but something
>        about that just isn't right
Congratulate yourself, you did what you felt was right!  You didn't buckle
into temptation!

>        I can't forget it because my stomach still hurts when
>        I think about it
>        I feel sorry for my friend and his wife
>        and I really don't know if I should say anything to Cash
>        about it or not
>        Anyone got any suggestions ??
Nope.  I'm stuck.  Probably because I don't know enough about your
relationship and their relationship.

Dan

816.3stay away for a whileVIDEO::NIKOLOFFPiercing IllusionsTue Aug 15 1989 16:5216
You certainly did the 'right' thing and that's a start.

My girlfriend and I talk about this at times.  Her side would be to tell
your friend, my side is NOT to tell your friend.  I can not see the justice
in telling someone something that you know up-front is going to cause them
emotional pain.... But than its a tough situation.  I feel your friend will
find out sooner or later, whats going on with his wife, and where the 
relationship is headed.

IMO

Mikki



816.4What's really going on?YODA::BARANSKILooking for the green flashTue Aug 15 1989 17:199
Not much to go on...

Basically, why is she doing this?  Does she feel neglected, or is she naturally
promiscuous?  It's something they need to work on explaining to each other what
their needs are and how they can go about fullfilling each other's needs.

tough situation...

Jim.
816.5WAHOO::LEVESQUEBlack as night, Faster than a shadow...Tue Aug 15 1989 17:3515
 Youch! A real nightmare. Cash should be glad to have a friend like you.

 I would probably not say anything this time. Should a repeat performance occur,
that would be the time to act. Have you talked to Cash about this kind of
stuff before? If you couch things in general terms and bring it up casually
enough, you ought to be able to gauge his reaction to news of this nature.
Do they have an "open" marriage? Unless you really knwo what's going on, this
event may be a) the end of the world or b) another everyday event.

 Perhaps with further information we could be more helpful, but in any case,
try to ascertain what the situation is before acting. Sometimes, friends
trying to be helpful end up causing more pain than if they did nothing.
I don't think you want that.

 The Doctah
816.6two edged swordLEZAH::BOBBITTinvictus maneoTue Aug 15 1989 18:3012
    If you tell him, he might not believe you.  If he then goes and
    asks his wife, she might deny it.  You may lose a friend.
    
    And yet, it might hurt him more if he finds out later when his wife
    has slept with the milkman, the piano tuner......
    
    If it's so soon after the marriage, I think there is DEFINITELY
    something askew with her understanding of the relationship, unless
    they've defined it as "open".  
    
    -Jody
    
816.7TOLKIN::GRANQUISTTue Aug 15 1989 18:3918
    Touchy situation indeed!!!
    
    For what it's worth, if it were I, I wouldn't say a word about it.
    To many times I've heard how the friend passing on info on a cheating
    spouse ends up being the outcast.
    
    Whatever you decide to do, make sure you understand that your friend
    may end up hating you for telling him/ or not telling him, if he
    finds out you knew about it.
    
    I'd also make sure I never got into that type of situation again.
    
    Maybe talking to his wife to let her know what your values are would
    help too.
    
    Hope it works out
    
    Nils
816.8Don't tellQUILL::SSMITHTue Aug 15 1989 19:1113
    Lousy situation.  I've been there before, and I made the decision to
    turn the cheater in to the spouse.  WRONG decision.   I lost a very
    good friend.   I can understand how upset you were.  I was too.  But
    this is someones marriage, and this woman probably won't just walk
    away without fighting for it.  I have a feeling you'd come out 
    looking like the bad guy if you let the cat out of the bag.
    
    One alternative  -- If she is promiscuous, I'm sure she'll be up to her
    tricks again before to long.  If you hear about it threw the rumour
    mill, and it's possible, set it up so that her husband catches her in
    the act.
    
    Good luck!
816.9ask her why she invited you into a sexual affairHANNAH::OSMANsee HANNAH::IGLOO$:[OSMAN]ERIC.VT240Tue Aug 15 1989 21:0423

	The way I see it, a human being invited you into a sexual affair
	and you declined.

	So, instead of considering talking to her husband, consider talking
	to her.

	You've got all sorts of things to speak to her about, such as:

		Why did she invite you ?  Does she have a special thing
		for you, or would anyone do ?

		How does she feel about cheating on her husband ?  Does
		she even feel she is cheating ?

	The questions could go on and on, because you're only speculating
	about the real story, which she can help clarify.

	But my point is, something happened between YOU and HER.  You get to
	choose whether to pursue clarity about what's going on.

/Eric
816.10REFINE::TAYLORWhat would we do without CHOCOLATE?Wed Aug 16 1989 01:2315
    I agree with most of the replies.  Telling Cash would be bad news. 
    First of all, he loves this woman and probably won't believe what
    you're telling him.  Second, if he confronts his wife with it, of
    course she's going to deny it.  He is certainly going to believe her
    over you.  She's his wife.
    
    I think you should go to her and talk about it.  Find out what's going
    on.  Why she made the sexual advances toword you.  Maybe help her
    through these feelings that she's having.  But first, get her to talk
    to Cash if she's unhappy with the marriage.
    
    Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
    
    Holly
    
816.11STARCH::WHALENCan a novel have an error?Wed Aug 16 1989 01:2914
    You did the right thing in walking away, I do believe that it was
    probably difficult.
    
    I wouldn't say anything to Cash about it, but I might ask his wife
    about it, though I'd try to make sure that I was in a position in which
    it wouldn't be re-started.
    
    One thing that struck me about the note is that you said that he
    recently got re-married, and later was away on a hunting trip.  I don't
    know how much time was between these two events, but it could be that
    his wife was feeling starved for affection.  Maybe he should have
    passed on the hunting trip this year, or only gone for a couple days.
    
    Rich
816.12WMOIS::B_REINKEIf you are a dreamer, come in..Wed Aug 16 1989 03:338
    I am with those who suggest talking to the wife. I'd try and
    find a neutral area and tell her that you think she is a good
    woman but you think that there were some miscommunications between
    you and you are sorry that you ever gave her the impression that
    your regard and affection for her meant a sexual interest. That
    way you give her a graceful way out, and ease her, embarassment.
    
    BonniE
816.13Let it Slide For NowDECSIM::TOTOColleenWed Aug 16 1989 16:0327
I think you did the right thing by choosing to not give in to the temptation.
Because you did that, I don't think there is a need to say anything to him
because she must of realized you don't want anything like that with her.  She
more than likely will not try again if you turned her down but if she does,
then I would strongly consider telling him. He'll eventually find out of she
keeps up this sort of behavior with other people anyway. 

A similar situation happened to me and I choose to tell my friend and I got
luckey - my friend opted to listen to me.  I lived in Vermont and my
ex-husband and his brother had already left for work.  Her kids and my son
were outside playing in the snow.  She was upstairs sleeping and I was
downstairs sleeping.  Her boyfreind (who she was thinking about marrying) came
right into my room and while I was sleeping climbed right into my bed!  Lucky
for me that it was a cold Vermont night and I wore long underware to bed.
Anyway, I woke up for some reason only to find him staring at me while I was
sleeping.  (Creepy feeling!) I jumped out of bed and gave him holy h*ll and
told him what a creep he was.  He kept apologizing etc. said he couldn't help
it, had been thinking about me ever since he met me, he went on and on.  Then
he left the house and went for a drive.  Now I had to decide weather or not to
tell my friend.  Did I want her to marry this creep? No I did not - she had
been through enough already over the years.  I went upstairs, woke her up and
told her what happened.  She wasn't surprised and she was upset. They went
home that day and later they broke up. Sometimes I feel bad that I might of
broken up a realtionship but other times I feel like I had nothing to do with
breaking it up, he did and she's better off.  It's not a plesant situation to
to be up against. 

816.14GOLETA::BROWN_ROgoing to hell in a handbasketWed Aug 16 1989 16:219
    I think it will be absolutely necessary to talk to your friend's
    wife, because, one way or another, it will affect the relationship
    the three of you have. Unless your friend is completely insensitive,
    he will probably pick up on the tension between you and his wife.
    This tension can only have a negative effect on the friendship,
    IMHO. Bonnie's suggestion is good as to how to go about it.
    
    -roger
    
816.15TOOK::CICCOLINIWed Aug 16 1989 17:4820
    Definitely don't tell the husband.  And I think talking to the wife
    would only serve to open up an issue that should be closed.
    
    What difference does it make why she did what she did?  What difference
    does it make if she specifically wants him and not just anyone?  Trying
    to find out this info will solve nothing except satisfy the note writer's
    curiosity.  It's understandably piqued but then - so is hers!!
    
    I would ask her no questions but I would tell her one thing - that if she
    *ever* makes any similar overtures again, you will tell Cash.  Then the
    responsibility is on her, right where it belongs.  There is no need to
    carry guilt for the actions of others.  Your actions were above
    reproach.  Don't give yourself an opportunity to water down your mature
    reaction by initiating a discussion on adultery with someone who wants
    you to particpate in same.
    
    And don't, under any circumstances, try to weasle out of Cash what kind
    of marriage contract he has with his wife.  This is the absolute worst
    possible advice.  What would you think about someone who was angling
    for this kind of info from YOU?
816.16don't just bottle it upYODA::BARANSKILooking for the green flashWed Aug 16 1989 18:579
"What difference does it make why she did what she did?  What difference does it
make if she specifically wants him and not just anyone?  Trying to find out this
info will solve nothing except satisfy the note writer's curiosity."

Hardly...  It makes a lot of difference if you want to find a solution to the
problem.  Your method is good for bottling up whatever problem there is untill
it explodes some time in the future.

Jim.
816.17EXACTLY!PARITY::DDAVISLong-cool woman in a black dressWed Aug 16 1989 19:008
    RE:  .15 by TOOK::Ciccolini
    
    Right on....
    Right on....
    
    That's the way I would handle it.
    
    -Dotti.
816.18Have we overlooked something here?NUTMEG::GAZZARAWed Aug 16 1989 19:1317
    I have to bring up a point here that hasn't been touched on so far...
    What would happen if Cash were you?  If it all finally came out
    in the open... how would you feel knowing that some else knew and
    didn't tell you.  Especially if you came down with some communicable
    or deadly disease like AIDS?  I would be crushed knowing that there
    was SOMEONE who knew that could have spared me ... maybe even my
    life.  Pain is never easy... but I'd much rather suffer emotional
    pain then physical distress.
    
    After all...  how do you know this isn't the first time this woman
    has done this?  Who's to say that she won't try again with someone
    else?  She sounds pretty weak to me.  They've only been married
    a short time right?  Not that this is any excuse for a long term
    marriage either.
    
    Good luck
    
816.19How one reader handled a similar situationPENUTS::JLAMOTTEWed Aug 16 1989 19:4230
The following has been contributed anonymously by a H_R reader.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twelve or thirteen years ago, after my wife died, my neighbors, a younger 
couple, became more friendly, and we socialized quite a bit.  

One day, my neighbor's wife came over for a cup of coffee.  I got the impression
that she was "available."  I simply commented that if I were looking for 
"action" that I didn't "do" married folks, and that if I changed my mind about
"doing" married folks it  would be far away, and not in the neighborhood.  

She seemed a bit taken aback by what I had said.  I don't think she had 
thought through the way that she was approaching me.  All that I wanted to
tell her was that if she were looking for a land of opportunity, please not
to look my way. 

We are all still friends.  I don't know what games those two play that I 
don't know about.  They have been married 21 years, and have had their ups
and downs.  My feeling then, and my feeling now, was that X was a mature
woman and that if I needed to say something to her, that I could talk to
her privately where the walls didn't have ears.  

I can't live other people's lives for them.  But I can say that I do and
don't want to do certain things, and that I expect friends to respect my
wishes in cases like this.  

Timber Wolf

P.S.  X is now in her mid-forties, and gets better-looking every day.
In case you wondered.
816.20LACV01::BOISVERTThu Aug 17 1989 16:378
    Well..
    
    
    What happens if she goes to Cash and says that you hit on her?????
    
    I would tell him.
    
    TB
816.21CSCOA3::ROLLINS_RThu Aug 17 1989 19:313
	If you're concerned with covering yourself, you might find a way
	to discuss it with her and record the conversation.  After that,
	I would decide what I wanted to do with the recording.
816.22APEHUB::RONThu Aug 17 1989 20:0419
.15 was right on. 

Assuming you want to continue the friendship with Cash, don't tell
him a thing. Don't bring the subject up with her, either. Simply,
forget it happened. 

Why? If it a one time mistake she made, she (and he) deserve another
chance. Your talking about it could deprive them of that. If she's
promiscuous, he'll find out soon enough, in circumstances that will
probably be less ambiguous. 

As to "I would tell her one thing - that if she *ever* makes any
similar overtures again, you will tell Cash", I am not even sure
it's necessary, or even advisable. If you do, maybe you want to add
that, as long as she didn't make advances, the episode is forgotten.

-- Ron 

816.23LDYBUG::GOLDMANRunning down a dreamThu Aug 17 1989 23:3916
	This is from the author of the basenote.

        ========================================================

           I'd like to say "Thank You" to all of you
           who have taken a few minutes to read my
           note and respond.

           I don't think I'm comfortable with talking
           with Cash's wife, Patty, because that seems
           like I'd be jumping back in the fire.

           I think I'm comfortable today with trying
           to let it go.
           Sharing it has really helped...Thanks again!

816.24ACESMK::CHELSEAMostly harmless.Sat Aug 19 1989 14:532
    FWIW, the standard "Ann Landers/Dear Abby" advice is "don't tell the
    friend."
816.25Honesty ...WAV14::GETTLERMon Aug 21 1989 14:2635
    Maybe I just view things differently, but personally I would
    want my friend to tell me.  
    I think I would try in some way to find out if they have an
    "open" marriage first.  If they do then obviously drop the issue.  
    If they  don't and it was me I would rather know NOW , and hear 
    it from my good friend (and why would he lie to you about 
    something like that?) then to find out years down the road she's
    been making passes at all your friends!  She might not have
    made the advances..but the point is she wanted to and would have
    gotten what she wanted if you weren't the nice guy you are.
    Then if it happened would you have told him? Then you'd feel even
    worse so you probably wouldn't say anything.
    
    I think if he knew then he could discuss it with her and depending
    on how good their marriage is take it from there.  It depends on
    your friends personality and how much he loves her...Would he
    be very upset and leave her on the spot?  Or does he love her
    enough that he would believe that nothing happened, and let it
    slide?  But the point is he'd be aware of what happened.
    
    Wouldn't you want your friend to tell you your wife was making
    passes at your friends?  Gee I would.  What kind of marriage 
    is that anyway, that you can't trust your own wife or husband
    while the other's outta town?
    
    Yes, you could let things take its own course...then there's
    the chance that she could do the same to another of his friends..
    she gets caught the whole thing blows up and then she gets mad
    and tells him she tried it with you too!  Then he would confront
    you then and ask why didn't you tell him years ago that she 
    did the same thing to you.
    
    These are all just different views that you need to think about.
    
    
816.26TOOK::CICCOLINITue Aug 22 1989 17:3230
    I would not want anyone to tell me anything negative about a spouse of
    mine - ever.  If I am married to this person, I know pretty much what
    kind of a person I got.  If my man is cheating, I guarantee you I will
    know it.  What I choose to do about it is my business alone.  I believe 
    Cash knows pretty much what kind of a woman he married.  To insinuate 
    that he's too dense or thick to see the forest for the trees is an insult
    in itself.  If he has chosen to look the other way, you forcing him to
    confront the truth is cruelty to your alleged friend.  I wouldn't treat my
    friends with either insults or cruelty even if it was in the name of
    "help".
    
    re: Jim Baranski - you said my advice doesn't solve the problem.  I
    don't SEE a problem.  An incident occurred and it was resolved
    admirably.  I don't see a problem to solve here.  The only course of
    action necessary, if any, is to try to *prevent* a problem from occurring
    in the future.  To that end, I would warn the woman that her actions could 
    *cause* a problem, (since she seems to think it won't), and that you will 
    not take responsibility for the problem once she creates it but will leave 
    it with her, by telling Cash.  Basenote author is absolved of all guilt
    or responsibility for this woman's actions - as it should be.
    
    re: -1  I still think wangling out of Cash what kind of agreement he
    has made with his wife regarding sex with others is pretty nasty territory
    and quite clearly none of your business.  No matter what she does, you
    do not have the right to begin probing the most intimate parts of her
    husband's life!  Wouldn't YOU be suspicious if one of your friends
    began sniffing around your "contract" with your wife or lover?  I sure
    would.  And I'd put some HEAVY responsibility for my suspicions on my
    friend.  I advocate the man in question take no responsibility
    whatsoever for any part of this scenario.
816.27you need to know the cause to know the solutionYODA::BARANSKILooking for the green flashTue Aug 22 1989 18:0915
"you said my advice doesn't solve the problem.  I don't SEE a problem.  An
incident occurred and it was resolved admirably.  I don't see a problem to solve
here.  The only course of action necessary, if any, is to try to *prevent* a
problem from occurring in the future.  To that end, I would warn the woman that
her actions could  *cause* a problem"

I don't see that as solving the cause of the problem.  Why did the woman do
this?  Is your threat to tell on her going to change her reasons for doing this?
Probably not.  It might make her fearfull, but that's hardly a positive change.
No, to "solve" the problem you have to find out the cause of the problem, not
just paint it over.

I never said the noter was in any way responsible for the woman's actions...

Jim.
816.28Cause is none of your businessGEMVAX::CICCOLINIMon Aug 28 1989 17:0121
    Jim, I don't see her reasons as anyone else's business either. 
    The alleged *cause* of her problem is no one's business but hers
    and Cash's.
    
    Nothing here is the business of the basenote author except where she 
    has attempted to involve him in whatever problem she may have.  His only
    responsibility is to extricate himself from her problem and certainly
    not to *help* solve it.  Who says she even *has* a problem anyway?!
    Appointing one's self benevolent savior of a "misguided" married
    person is clearly walking on thin ice.  Why in the world would anyone
    voluntarily involve themselves in this kind of mess? 
    
    Only she and Cash have the right to decide *what*, if any, her problem
    is, *why* it exists and what, if anything, to do about it.  Anything
    else is meddling, however unwitting, and the meddler deserves the
    nastiness that surely will follow, eventually.  The basenote writer's
    responsibility is to protect his friendship with Cash by keeping
    himself out of their marriage.
    
    My advice stands.  Stay clear and warn the woman if she attempts
    to drag you into her alleged problem again.
816.29tongue deeply in cheekYODA::BARANSKILooking for the green flashTue Aug 29 1989 05:0814
'Nobody's business'?

Nonsense.  I'm a firm believer in sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong.
:-)

'his responsibility'

He has no "responsibility"  he doesn't *have* to do anything, including keep his
nose out.  Which, by the way is *not* what you have suggested in threatening to
blow the wistle on her.  He can do whatever he feels is best.  If he feels like
looking out for his friend, he can do that.  If he doesn't feel like getting
involved, fine.

Jim.
816.30CSCOA3::ROLLINS_RWed Aug 30 1989 21:4916
< Note 816.26 by TOOK::CICCOLINI >

>    I would not want anyone to tell me anything negative about a spouse of
>    mine - ever.  If I am married to this person, I know pretty much what
>    kind of a person I got.  If my man is cheating, I guarantee you I will
>    know it.  What I choose to do about it is my business alone.  I believe 
>    Cash knows pretty much what kind of a woman he married.  To insinuate 
>    that he's too dense or thick to see the forest for the trees is an insult
>    in itself.  If he has chosen to look the other way, you forcing him to
>    confront the truth is cruelty to your alleged friend.  I wouldn't treat my
>    friends with either insults or cruelty even if it was in the name of
>    "help".
    
     Well, you probably would, but perhaps Cash doesn't.  IF he doesn't
     know the kind of person he got (believe me, there really are some
     who don't), then does your advice still hold ?
816.31I was there (Cashes Position)CSC32::GORTMAKERwhatsa Gort?Thu Aug 31 1989 06:4433
    Having been married to a woman much like Cashes wife I would have
    prefered to have been told. My wife made passes at several of my
    friends two of them told me about it after we were divorced one admited
    to being very tempted the other confessed to accepting the pass.
    Tim, The one that did is no longer on my list of friends for sleeping
    with her, then telling me about it. Rolan, I feel very uncomfortable
    around because I now wonder if he really is a friend. I feel he should
    have told me because she made the pass before we were married and
    I may possibly have made a different choice had I known better what
    type of woman I was hooking up with.
    The end result was I caught my wife in several affairs. The first time
    was 4 months into the marriage I had left for work forgetting my badge
    I returned home (unexpected obviously) 15 min later and caught her in
    bed with a 17 year old boy who was the manager for her high school swim
    team! Another time(final time) I came home sick from work early and
    caught her again. I know alot of people are probably thinking I should
    have kicked her out the first time but at the time I thought it was
    a final fling before settleing into married life and let it go.
    Had I known what my "friends" knew, I would have acted differently.
    
    I went thru a time afterwards feeling somewhat embarrassed at the
    fact that my friends knew my wife better than I possibly in more ways
    than one. I also questioned the relationships I had with my other
    friends, if they too had recieved a pass and how they delt with it.
    
    I should note that the encounter between Andrea and Tim occured on
    a ski trip with 15 other "friends" all of which knew what happened
    but never said a word until after we were divorced.
    
    Friend like that I DO NOT need nor do I have any longer.
    
    -jerry
    
816.32more on .31CSC32::GORTMAKERwhatsa Gort?Thu Aug 31 1989 06:537
    One post thought... What about asking Cash in a hypothetical(sp?) sense
    how he would handle the situation. Something along the lines of " What
    would you do if...". If he said he would want to know put you arm
    around his shoulder and say "well then there's something we need to talk
    about". To me one trusted caring friend will bring far more happiness
    in life than an unfaithful wife ever will. IMHO-j
    
816.33HANNAH::MODICAThu Aug 31 1989 17:376
    
    Re: .32
    
    Now that seems like a workable solution to this situation.
    
    								Hank
816.34 Rare BTOVT::BOATENG_KMoi, je m'en souviensFri Sep 01 1989 04:056
     
    Re: 31
    
    What a revelation !
    You must be a **good guy** for not doing what some men would have done.
    
816.35Tell Him (then DUCK!!!)ANT::BUSHEELiving on Blues PowerFri Sep 01 1989 16:2112
    
    
    	The one person I know that told his friend about his wifes'
    	attaction of other guys wouldn't agree on this one. Cost
    	him alot more than his friendship!! ;^} (Also had to pay
    	the doctor and hospital to re-set his nose!!)
    
    	Face it, some people will react to blame you for trying to
    	bring it to their attention rather than blame the person
    	in doubt (even more so when it's a spouce)
    
    	G_B
816.36If indeed a freind..........!SALEM::WHITEWAYFri Sep 01 1989 16:5824
    
    	I guess everyone is different. I personally would like to know.
    I was in this situation in a past life (Marriage :]) and still believe
    that if one is a true freind then they should have the courage to
    be open and truthful. 
    	In my case it was not to be. (They knew my wife was having an
    affair, and never bothered trying to talk about it with me). I
    understand their reasons too. [There are plenty] But, it hurts much
    more in the end to find the truth out and know those that you believed
    in never once tried to help. 
    	Relationships are based on truth and openess. I do not care
    if the relationship is a marriage, family, or freinds. If there
    is not both then there is nothing. If one is a freind of mine, then
    they know for a fact that I will be there in all my frankness and
    caring. I would certainly use tact when dealing with a subject like
    this, but I would not destroy my freindship because I was nervious
    about the consequences of my actions. I noly wish I knew this to
    be true in all my freinds.
    	To finish..... If a freind does talk frankly to another about
    a difficult situation, it is fine as long as they are doing it because
    they care. As long as there is no ulterior reason behind it, then
    it should be acceptable. It may hurt now, but it hurts a H*** of
    a lot more if it continues.  
                               cw
816.37RUBY::BOYAJIANWhen in Punt, doubtSat Sep 09 1989 15:0210
    (a) If I was Cash's friend, I would tell him, because...
    
    (b) If I was Cash, I would want my friend to tell me.
    
    (c) If I told Cash, out of friendship, and he decided that I was
    scum for telling him and cut off our friendship, well, I would feel
    like I haven't lost a thing. Why should I? A friend worth having
    would not act that way.
    
    --- jerry