Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    How did your boyfriend "come across" the reflection? Was it on an
    unfolded paper on your kitchen counter? Was it folded and he would
    have to open it to read it? Or in an envelope? Why was he looking
    through your papers when you weren't around?
    
    There is an expression that goes something like: "You always accuse
    someone else of what you are yourself." It's true he could have
    innocently come across the writing, but that would be a question
    worth answering.
    
    In experiencing the kind of growth you describe you've had since
    you met this man, it's easy to understand your feeling of attachment
    to him. Maybe now is the time to try to look objectively at your
    relationship. In other words, when you have made all the changes
    you plan to make for awhile, and he's still the same man, how will
    that affect your relationship? How do you think you'll be able to
    get along with each other?
    
    These questions are not posed for you to answer in this forum. They're
    just designed for your inward, personal thinking from a different
    perspective, based on the few facts you presented. I hope they begin
    to open doors for you that will be helpful.
    
    					Susanf

    I, too, have written some pretty strange things in the past, some
    just fleeting momentary whims, some real internal wranglings deciding
    my own paths.  Explain to him that these were your idle thoughts
    at the time, your brain idling, awaiting your decision, checking
    out the gears and inner workings.  
    
    Tell him you decided to be with him, and in your musings you had
    other options which you opted against.  Isn't he glad you decided
    to be with him?  Isn't he glad you looked at the options and CHOSE
    to give yourself only to him?  Doesn't he trust that he is the
    only man in your life now, if you say he is?  
    
    Knowing you thought of other things beforehand reveals you came
    into the relationship with your eyes wide open, knowing all the
    alternatives.  A choice was required of you then.  You chose him.
    If you tell him that you no longer wish to see other men, and are
    happy with him, he should believe you.  The fact that you had thought
    about other men at the beginning of the relationship should not
    damn you for life.  I'm sure he's had the option of dating two women
    at some point in his life.  Didn't he have to choose?  
    
    I also dislike anyone reading personal things I didn't choose to
    share with them (although I often choose to share a great deal).
    Your thoughts are your thoughts - your decisions are your decisions,
    and if he is the jealous/suspicious type, or will damn you for thinking
    through your actions beforehand (even if they involve men and sex),
    then damn him for his narrow-mindedness and selfishness.
    
    Ask for his understanding and acceptance - tell him how you feel
    and where you stand now.  If he loves you, he should believe you.
    
    -Jody
    

I'd be suspicious at someone 'finding' something that I had written privately,
and getting upset about it.  Unless it was meant for them, they have no business
reading it and getting upset.  I don't mind people reading anything I write; one
of the reasons I write is to be able to express and share who I am. But I have a
problem with people who take something shared and hold/use it against me. 

If this person doesn't know who the real you is, there's something wrong.
Finding one of your writtings should not invalidate who you are now.

Jim. 

    The concern that I would have is the man's judgement of what you wrote. 
    If those thoughts or prospective actions make you a slut or lowlife
    than I would worry a lot.
    
    Everyone has thoughts and/or ideas on behaviors or actions that they 
    would like to explore.  We choose to do things based on a lot of
    criteria and it seems that your decision was based on your current
    relationship.  But I don't think it is necessary for you to deny those
    thoughts and/or determine that the course you chose was good and the
    other course was bad.
    
    If I were you I would really explore what this man feels constitutes
    good....very few of us are perfect and trying to be is stressful. 
    Ideally our partners will love us for what we are not what they expect.
    

    	If he's convinced that you're the "seediest low life slut to
    ever walk the earth", then maybe he's not all you believe him to
    be. It's always said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but
    his reaction seems to be rather childish. Jealous???
    
    	I agree with the others who've made statements about his "finding"
    something written. This one act may hold the key to the individual
    that he is. On the other hand, maybe he feels trapped by you and
    this is his way "out". 
    
    	Hope it works out best for you no matter how.
    
    Ken

    
    RE: .0
    
    I don't have luxury of knowing either you or this fellow
    in your life and all I have is what you've written.
    
    I've read your note over, and over and I pretty much feel
    that you answered your own question...
    
    >> There are things about his life that make me uncomfortable
    >> I've accepted that they are in the past
    >> he is trying to learn this also (paraphrase,sorry)
    
       I feel that he totally invaded your privacy to read
       something you did not hand to him directly.
       I would feel threathened if someone was in my study room
       and started reading my journals without my consent.
       I think I would probably not want to speak to that person
       for quite some time...saying "I'm sorry" wouldn't help much for
       me if also something they read upset them and they started
       changing their opinion of me.
    
       I believe actions speak louder than words and his lack of
       acceptance for past events which you said he is trying to do
       appears to be mere lip service...but again I'm not there
       in your situation I can only comment on what you've submmitted
       to be read.
    
       If he really loves you as you say, don't apologize for the
       past and let him come forward and tell you he was wrong
       by invading your privacy and for think that you were the
       'seediest .....".
       I believe you have control of this situation and I'd
       suggest not surrendering it to him.
    
       Best wishes and HUGS to you
    
    --Christopher                 

	"If you love someone, set them free...if they come back, they
		are yours...if not, they aren't and very well may never be."
				(((Heavily paraphrased)))

     I don't believe there is enough in what you write to go into too
     much depth on the situation.

     To me, how he found it is another issue.  Here, we have to deal with
     the fact that he has an issue with the reflection.  Deal with this
     first, then if you have an issue with how he found it, work that next.

     Regarding his issue with the reflection, he has lost track of time.
     The past is the past and the present is the present.  He is jeopardizing
     the future for the past.  I'd suggest showing him what you have written
     here.  Maybe in another form.  He may take offence at this issue having
     been publicly stated.  Put it on a card.

     Other than that, and with some surmising:

     I believe your wonderful man is jealous of this man from the past.
     I believe he feels that he has invested a lot in the relationship
     you two have, and is upset by this reflection.

     Although additional information will help us, I hope this helps you.

	Dan

    The first thing that came to mind as I read your note was that
    something that you wrote struck some personal chord within him,
    some insecurity, some echo of a painful memory, something.  When
    that happens there is so much emotional pain released that you can't
    take any "conclusions" that he came up with seriously.  He thinks
    that you are a slut because of some inner problem.  The real test
    is what happens after his initial reactionary spasm subsides.  If
    you are able to talk about it and work through it like the other
    rough spots then you will have learned something useful about each
    other.  If not then whatever source of insecurity that is inside
    him would just have been ticking away towards some future explosion.
    How he "came upon" what you wrote and why seems just as important
    as his reaction and just as important to talk about.

    I wonder why he is so willing to believe you to be such a bad person. 
    "Low-life slut" is pretty extreme, after all.  I am quite happy to
    believe the worst of people who have hurt me, since I have little
    tolerance for upset and it adds justification to the anger.  However, I
    don't have very strong emotional ties with people.  In my opinion,
    trust is a part of love.  If he isn't willing to trust you after he
    calms down from the surprise, he doesn't have much love for you -- at
    least by my definitions.