Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Sometimes, for no comprehensible reason, people sometimes space.  His 
    plans got set some six weeks ago.  When you told him about your new
    job, he had the information.  However, for some reason, his existing
    plans didn't get reset.  It's possible that he simply missed the
    connection.  It's a very wierd feeling.
    
    However, the important question is what to do now.  One first step is
    to evaluate the options.  How much would it cost him to cancel your
    attendance?  How much would it cost you to ask your boss for the time? 
    How can those costs be cut?

    Chelsea's response esp in re spacing, is a good one. These sorts
    of disconects increase in frequency when you have five teenagers
    and two working parents. ('what do you mean you have a concert tonite?
    you never told me', 'well I told mom/dad!') One of the things that
    happens when we live with another person is that we occasionally
    think they understand what we meant, or what a change or a new
    committment implies...or we, at some subconscious level, expect
    them to 'understand without being specifically told' i.e. 'read
    our minds and intentions'.

    This looks like an excellant opportunity to improve your commications
    skills vis a vis your husband. ;-)
    
    Bonnie

    
    [ahem]...said with some trepidation...
    
    It seems to me, that you made a commitment to him. And then you
    made a commitment to a new job. Those two comflicted and it was
    indeed *your* responsibility to address that conflict. From the
    brief description you gave in the base note, it *appears* that you
    were not very explicit about telling him about the conflict; that
    you assumed he would draw the connection...but he did not.
    
    that makes me sort of think that perhaps...ahhhh...you are just
    a tiny bit in error here. From what you said, it appears to me he
    is more chagrined at having to go back and now renig the invitation
    that he wheedled for you...at your request...than he is
    *non-understanding* of your point of view. He probably sees it quite
    well...it just does nothing to change the embarassment and discomfort
    he may suffer at work for having gotten you the invitation and then
    having you decide not to go....[Yes, *I* know and *HE* knows and
    *YOU* know that is not exactly what happened...but that is what
    it wil look like to fellow workers....]

    Perhaps it would be easier for him to see your predicament, if you
    fully saw his?  Perhaps he is just embarrassed to have to go back
    and now say...well, she doesn't want to come now... 
    
    You know...[yes, I know I'm a bit of a bitch...what can I say?]...
    If I wangled an invitation for my husband to some fancy "do" at
    great cost as far as "leverage" at work goes...and he committed
    to it; and then because of some seemingly non-related business deal
    could not make it...and did not explicitly warn me when he made
    the second deal...but sort of "reminded" me later...I'ld be pissed!
    I would wonder why he didn't think enough of me and my job and my
    committments to bother to think it through and warn me...and I would
    probably have a hard time seeing his point of view about it.
    
    Melinda

    I say talk to your boss.  Give him/her a chance to let you know
    whether you can/can't be spared for a week, and work it from 
    there.
    
    G'luck!
    
    Carol
    

    I agree with .3
    
    You made a commitment to your husband and you should stick by it.
    Your new boss should understand, and it doesn't hurt to ask him
    for the time off.  Everyone deserves a vacation.  It seems that
    your husband went through a lot to get you a place in these activities.
    And do you really want to be away from him for a week while he's
    having a blast?
    
    You cannot always expect your husband to understand the way a woman
    thinks and feels.  Unfortunately, most men think/feel different
    than women (that's what makes life so interesting!) and their mind-set
    is different than ours about certain situations.  C'est la vie!
    
    Good luck!
    
    Tammi
    

How about have a stand in go with your husband?  A sister/friend? :-)

Conflicts suck, but don't jeapardize your new job.  Hopefully your husband
can be understanding...

Jim.

    very interesting....it seems that all of the women responders
    have said "you made a committment to your husband, so you
    should stick by it", and the men have said "your job's
    important, your husband should be able to understand".
    
    To continue this trend, I must agree with the other males.
    It's unfortunate, but your husband should understand how
    important it is to get off to a good start on your new job.
    I agree with the others who said that, in effect, you blew
    it in some sense, by not being clearer about changing committments,
    etc.  Still, I think that you can somehow make it up to your
    husband...and I wouldn't jeapordize your new position.
    

    In a sense I weigh in with the other males, but suggest there may be
    more to it.
    What I am REALLY hearing is that your husband went to a lot of effort
    and MAY feel somewhat embarrassed that after this effort his wife is
    unable to fulfill the "committment"
    I am also REALLY hearing that you wanted to make that committment but
    something came up including making ANOTHER committment that overrides
    the first one. (Also perhaps that you forgot about the first
    committment when making the second) and that that is causing you some
    embarrassment/whatever.
    Maybe if the two of you share the underlying feelings of
    embarrassment/whatevers the resolution will be easier.

    
    	Personally I do not think there is a right and/or wrong in this
    situation. I do feel most of the anger and hurt can be resolved
    by opening up the lines of communication. 
    	Hey, many times in our lives we find ourselves in conflict with
    our own schedules and those of others. When it happens, one can
    choice to Create hurt or be hurt, or they can choose to work it
    out. Talk it out with your husband, and clear it up now, before
    there is more anger involved.
    	If I was in your husbands shoes, I can see how I would feel
    hurt, at first. But if it was discussed, and we were both allowed
    to talk it out, I would soon seen the others predicament.
    
    Talk it out.......We can all give our opinion regarding who is right
    and who is wrong, but the only two that matter are yourself and
    your hubby....
    
    curt
    

    I agree with .3 that you have made a commitment.
    
    my question is how can everyone win in this game?
    
    can this conference benefit you at your new job?
    
    jim
    

    
    RE: .7...
    
    Ahhh...that is not what I think I said...
    
    I think I said that a lack of communication in telling the husband
    that a conflict had arisen was, in my opinion, the cause of the
    misunderstanding...not that he did not *understand* her position.
    
    I said nothing abut whether she should or should not *go*...
    or which was more important....I only indicated that I felt
    the responsibility for alleviating the misunderstanding in this
    particular instance rested on the party who made dual committments
    without making changes in plans clear.
    
    Please do not interpret *added meanings* to my responses. They get
    me in enough trouble all by themselves without the added benefit
    of imaginary input.
    
    [woof]
    
    Melinda

Thanks to all those who replied to this--I appreciate the support and good
comments.  It's wonderful to be able to get different views on problems that
we often feel are one-sided.

I want to mention that, in regard to my husband asking me about should he
try to get me into the activities or not--my answer at the time was casual.
Something like, "Great if you can, don't worry if you can't."  I see now
that he probably viewed that as a "Get me on those activities no matter what
you have to do".

Also I learned (after reading some of the replies) that our perceptions 
are very different regarding work.  My view has always been that the job
comes first (since it supports our ability to have food, shelter, and some
measure of security!), not personal activities.  Since I am new to the
job, I am working hard to do the best I can--I want to show them that I
was indeed the best choice for this job.

We had a chat about this once the dust had settled, and we both got our
feelings out on the table.  I *think* we both see each side now, and
we both promised that we would try hard not to ASSUME things about the
other!!

Thanks again for your help.