Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    > 1. Under what conditions is it acceptable to feel anger?
      
         Anger is acceptable to *feel* under any condition which may
         cause _you_ to feel it -- I don't think its acceptability can be 
         rigidly defined.  Under identical conditions, one person may feel
         anger, another person may feel fine.  Both are valid.
    
    > 2. Under what conditions is it acceptable to express anger?
    
    	 I feel anger *should* be acknowledged and expressed -- in any
    	 way that is not hurtful to another.  If hearing/seeing anger 
    	 expressed in any way is perceived as hurtful or inappropriate
    	 by another, that's their issue.
    
    
    ...Lisa V...who's_through_with_never_expressing_anger_for_other's_sakes!
         

    re: .2
    
    I agree with Lisa, anger is a true emotion just like any other.
    It's how it is expressed that is the point.  There are several outlets
    to express anger without hurting someone, or something!
    
    Just my 2cents worth...
    
    Kathy

    
    	It's acceptable when that's how you feel. We only have problems
    in being angry (the damaging, destructive and violent) when we have
    had our anger *invalidated* or have been *abandoned* in our past,
    perhaps as a child, for our being angry.
    
    	"That's not how you feel - you mean you feel confused" is an
    invalidating statement.
    
    	"Listen, I dont have time for this now - go tell your father"
    is an abandoning statement.
    
    	Enough of this, and the emotion freezes and becomes a
    dysfunctionality in someone. God help whoever's around should those
    battleship chains ever break, the sheer torrent that flows forth
    is what gets people killed.
    
    	Joe Jas 
               

In my experience, to feel anger is always OK.  Feelings are; they are
not good or bad.

Lately, when I am feeling anger, I try and be with it 100% and
actually be friendly to it and not run away from it (which is what I
usually do.  I have this image of myself as a a nice guy and being
anger contradicts the image so I run away.  Also it's very painful for
me and I try and think my way out if it.)  So, one thing I am trying
is really experiencing anger as a physical process - the sweating,
raised heartbeat, the funny sensation in the chest - without going off
on the immense thinking process that usually goes on with anger.  For
example, I will stew on anger - think about it endlessly, try and
figure it out, try and blame it on the other person, have practice
conversations in my head about what I will say when I see the person
next.  All of this seems to cause a lot of suffering and usually has
very little to do with the reality of the situation and the
constructive way out of it.

So, I have found that usually one three things is going on when I get
angry.

1)  I am really uncomfortable with something in myself and this
situation is triggering it.  In this case, its a good oppurtunity to
examine the thing I am getting stuck on.

2)  There is a problem that needs work that I have not been
acknowledging.  I need to communicate this problem and work on with
the other person.

3)  The best thing to do is to express anger (and it just happens, I
don't really need to think about it).  For example, some of the
enighborhhod kids were very close to torturing our cat and I got angry
and sent them away after telling them to leave the cats alone.  In
this case, hopefully, the anger leaves no unpleasant anfer tastes all
around.


john

    Feelings are real.
    
    One always has the choice of suppressing them, expressing them,
    or talking about them. 
    
    If expression of anger seems inappropriate or dangerous to you,
    you might try the third course and talk about it.
    
    R.
    

    
    	I suppressed a lot of anger when I was married - just
    	to "get along"...  When I was separated, I felt such
    	relief, it was hard to be angry....now I know I was
        denying my emotions...
    
    	Once we filed for divorce, I tried hard not to be angry,
    	thinking I wanted the divorce to go smoothly.  I'll never
    	forget how angry I got one day on the phone, when everything
    	had gone wrong,  he was being a jerk, and what nasty things
    	I said...  I felt a little guilty, and later I apologized to
    	him for what I said, but not about my feelings. 
    
    	When I feel anger, I always try to figure out why I'm angry.
    	Usually it's because I feel hurt for some reason.  When I
    	accept the hurt or disappointment and how I feel for being
    	hurt by another or my own actions, I feel better.  The real
    	emotion is the pain, and the anger is the reaction to it.
    	
    	The important thing is to react to the feelings and emotions
    	right away.  If they are allowed to be buried, they usually
    	come out in a more destructive way or at the wrong time.
    
    		sherry

	I recently purchased a book called

		"Listen to me - I'm angry"

	written and published in the US by a couple of psychologists, mainly
	for teenagers, but very readable for anyone. I don't have it with
	me and I can't remember the names of the authors.

	It talks about this specific topic. When is it OK to feel and express
	anger? Why does it happen? etc.

	I thouroughly recommend it to anyone who feelsthat their life is
	being degraded through feeling angry.

	I will bring it in and reply with the author's names and perhaps
	a few excerpts.

	Lewis.

    
    	I recently read 'DANCE OF ANGER' (can't remember the author,
    	but if anyone's interested, I'll post it). It had been
    	recommended by quite a few people, and I've lent it out
    	since to rave reviews!
    
    	Anyhow, it explains that your anger is a signal that something
    	is wrong; look at it and decide how to deal with it in a rational
    	manner - even if you *don't* deal with it immediately. Sometimes
    	it's best to deal with it later, after you've calmed down.
    
    	The book has helped me go a long way in dealing with some
    	things effectively. Check it out.
    
    	-julie

    
    
    ANger is like two bulls that do not get along together in the same pen.
    
    
    
    
                                 Ray