| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 766.1 | I've been thinking about this a lot lately | BSS::BLAZEK | dance the ghost with me | Sat May 20 1989 19:03 | 23 |
| I have lived alone, no roomates or live-in lovers, for 8 years,
and I share some of your concerns, Jerry. My in-person social
life is active and I consider myself pretty good at maintaining
friendships and relationships, if they're important enough that
I want to maintain them. Yet there's never been anyone who has
ever moved me enough to want to give up my homespun solitude,
be it for a roomate or a lover.
I've joked at different times that when I get married, I would
prefer that my husband and I have separate but adjoining living
quarters, simply for the fact that I am so used to living alone
the way _I_ want to live. The older I get, the more fossilized
my behavior patterns become. I like having my own stuff around
but I tend to get a little psychotic when someone else's stuff
is around too. It's alright for a night or a weekend, but much
longer than that might find me green at the gills gasping for a
little solitudinous reprieve.
Maybe when the time's right for the co-occupational plunge I'll
learn that I am adaptable. God knows I hope this is the case!
Carla
|
| 766.2 | yeah, I understand... | PH4VAX::MCBRIDE | Pikes Peak or Bust!!! | Sat May 20 1989 20:12 | 8 |
| Hey! I KNOW what it's like. I'm a person who is uncomfortable
in a family relationship. I have to take on roles...choose sides...be
supportive of the lost cause. It's tough! Living alone is EASY,
in some ways. It's kind of strange but, single people have shorter
lives even though ( I heard this statistic last week on the radio,
I don't know how accurate it is) single people have less stress
than married people. I wonder why that is...
|
| 766.3 | | HPSTEK::XIA | | Sat May 20 1989 20:30 | 8 |
| re -1
I heard (a while a go) the statistics is that on average single
females have longer life spans than married females while single
males have shorter life spans than married males.
Eugene
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| 766.5 | I hope it works that way, but does it really? | HYDRA::ECKERT | Jerry Eckert | Sat May 20 1989 23:14 | 20 |
| re: .4
> Other things, like having someone to talk face to face
> with, or watch a movie, or just goof around with on a moment's
> notice can substitute well.
I agree in theory, Mike; but I wonder how well the theory holds up
after the novelty of the new situation wears off? The house cleaning
example probably wasn't a good one to use. On the other hand, it might
not be uncommon for the other person to want to talk or goof off when
I want to concentrate on something else.
The answer, of course, is that over time both parties have to
compromise if the relationship is going to succeed. But how hard
is it, in practice, for someone who has never had to make those
types of compromises in their personal life to get used to doing so?
To me it seems like it would be very difficult to handle, especially
at first. Is this the case? Or does love (whatever that actually
is) somehow make such situations much easier to adapt to?
|
| 766.7 | singles unite? | REGENT::NIKOLOFF | Long ago is not far away | Sun May 21 1989 01:28 | 17 |
| Great question.
I was married for a looong time and had to get use to living alone
when that broke up.. Well, it took me 2 weeks, and that was 8 yrs
ago. I really like living alone also. Some very good points Carla.
I agree with you - separate housing - might work very well!
Right now, I am seeing a guy that lives 150 miles away, and he also
is satified living alone. We get together when we can and its very
comfortable. In fact it is one of the nicest, undemanding relationships
I've ever had. The only problem, is friends who butt-in and insist
that we should be "more serious". I feel it a preference, and everyone
is different. But who knows that little love bug is pretty powerful..;^)
I also feel that if the love is 'right' adjusting isn't even a problem.
Meredith
|
| 766.8 | It's tough to break old habits | CREDIT::BNELSON | It's SHOWtime! | Sun May 21 1989 17:00 | 39 |
|
About a year ago, I had to make a transition from living alone to
living with a roommate. Okay, I didn't *have* to -- he needed a place
to stay, and I had an extra room. Friends help each other, right?
Well, little did I know how difficult it would be!
The year and a half previous to taking him in, I'd been living
alone for the first time in my life. And I *loved* it. It was great
doing what I wanted when I wanted in any way I chose to do it. But
when you live with someone else, you don't have that anymore. You
always have to consider the other person, and make compromises. At
that point in time, I'd only lived alone for a year and a half in my
whole life, and I was amazed at how quickly I had become pretty set in
my ways, and pretty determined to do things my own way, without even
realizing it.
I'm glad, in a number of ways, that I took him in now. This is
something I'm going to watch in the future. He helped me relearn
something I already had known: you need to "loosen up" a bit when
living with someone else.
He moved out in January, and I'm living alone again, but I'm going
to try to prevent that mindset from happening again. Because you never
know when you may need (or want) to live with someone. I know at some
point I'm going to want to start a family.
So yes -- it's very difficult! But if you are at least aware of
what is going on, that's half the battle. Also, it depends greatly on
the intensity of your desire -- if you want it badly enough, you'll
*make* it happen -- otherwise, you probably won't.
Brian
|
| 766.9 | | ICESK8::KLEINBERGER | Heaven is where dreams come true | Sun May 21 1989 18:52 | 15 |
| I would also suggest counseling to anyone that is a great loner,
and contemplating such a drastic change as entering into a
romantic relationship...
Relationships are VERY demanding, they are 100% give and take, and
if you aren't used to it, don't know how to do it, you'll probably
end up ruining the relationship, and sinking deeper into "being
a loner" because its "easier"... old tapes, etc...
Compromising is an art... it takes one HECK of a lot of work...
if you've never had to do it, its not as easy as it looks, and I
think you (anyone considering it) would need the counseling to teach
you how.
Gale
|
| 766.10 | batten down the hatches | MELKOR::HENSLEY | panzerwabbbittpilot | Sun May 21 1989 21:25 | 58 |
| re .9
Agreeing with Gale, I believe the longer you have lived alone the
more interesting an adjustment you will end up making. Interesting
can be many things.
Romantically, I haven't really given up "alone at home" yet.
Living together means more than weekends together, Monday-Thursday
night at your own home. Weekend only==too intense, not relaxed,
unsettled (even after x years).
Platonically I had not lived with a roommate until a residency this
last year. I was commuting between my office and the customer site
100 miles away and stayed with a roommate Sunday-Friday. It was
also my first male roommate. On the plus side, it was nice knowing
someone was there (or would be eventually) although I worked longer
hours and was rarely there on the weekends and thus we saw each
other minimally.
Jim and his dog (a LARGE springer) were nice to come home to Sunday
nights after driving up late, and generally we got along great.
down side - I think I was still adjusting when the assignment wrapped
up, and minor nags over dishes (when you have a HUGE kitchen and
love to cook, you tend to get territorial) and the pool table --
well the down side was pretty minimal.
Most of all - it helped me get into a healthier routine because
I was very conscious of another person being aware of when I vegged
out as a couch potato. He thought I worked too long/hard. I worked
on balancing my life.
I think I learned the difference between special behavior for a
guest and dealing with a household. I would be more willing to
have a roommate again. I am possibly even willing to have a romantic
living arrangement.
Back living alone a year now, I heartily agree with Gale on what
a major adjustment it can be. Relationships are not 50-50, but
100-100. Or more. Not only do you have to learn to give, but also,
you may have to learn to take.
After 31 years, I am still learning to say "no", and to state my
needs (directly). Understanding those facets and not falling into
martyr behaviour or "sulking" when a problem comes up is critical.
Discarding the baggage and the patterns (including how you deal
with privacy_ will be a challenge.
Admitting I am a loner and perhaps have chosen to be was a big step.
I've spent YEARS pulling off what I thought was my "brave buckaroo"
act. the result is that I convince people I don't need them....because
I was afraid to admit I had needs and that I wanted to share my
life.
Guess I am still working through this - I have re-edited this reply
twice now....but I recognize the issues.
|
| 766.11 | A Question of balance. | ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI | I can feel your heartbeat faster | Mon May 22 1989 12:49 | 34 |
|
I think to be alone/with another is a question of balance.
For me personally, as an only child, being alone carries with it a
powerful significance as my _default state_, ie, the state which is
most _familiar_ to me. Hence, it is very comfortable for me and I find
I must return there or dwell there periodically, to maintain my
sanity.
Yet, on the other hand, it is a state which I sometimes _dread_.
This is when I find myself leaving my home just to go somewhere
where there are people, or out for a drive with no real destination.
I've found in my past that having a roomate helps out a *lot* when
aloneness gets out of balance in this way. This is extremely valuable
to me at times and I've been known to "give the world"...
However, with *two* roomates, I've found that overlapping schedules
can preclude the possibility of getting _any_ of the neeeded "alone
time" - there always *somebody* home, doing something -or- if you
get home to an empty house, you got about 5 minutes...This situation,
in time, would get to me and become unacceptable - I'd blow-up like Mt
St. Helens...
Fortunately, I'm not in this situation at present. I have to
say that if I was, I'd have to make it clear that I expect a certain
amount of "alone time" to be made available to me, else it wouldnt
work out. That would of course have to do with lifestyles; active
roomates would likely be off *living*, sendentary ones would be
taking root into the living room sofa and there'd *never* be a moment
where there wasnt "somebody there".
With one roomate, reasonably active, the balance is about right.
Joe Jas
|
| 766.12 | mixed | YODA::BARANSKI | life is the means, love is the ends | Mon May 22 1989 15:01 | 17 |
| For the first time in my life, I have an apartment to myself. I can see how I
could get attached to being by myself.
Yet, I don't spend much time there, I go out most nights with people, and I go
away most weekends. I have an interest in group living arrangments.
Yet, I now feel something that I haven't felt in the past. That if I were to
move in with someone, that I would need a room that was 'mine', where I could go
to get away from everyone else. It certainly wouldn't be a seperate bedroom if
I were moving in with a SO; probably a library or a workshop. A large part of
the need is a need to put all *my* stuff: books, pictures and tools. A large
part is so that I would not feel like I was infringing on something else's
space.
But I still like being with people the majority of my time.
Jim.
|
| 766.13 | | NOETIC::KOLBE | The dilettante debutante | Mon May 22 1989 16:44 | 16 |
|
There's more to this than just sharing time when it comes to an
SO. There are a whole world of expectations around gender roles.
I don't know if I can ever be a wife again and do wife things like
rush home and make dinner.
After Ray and I separated I lived alone for a year. It was the
first time for me and there were some really rough moments. On the
plus side I was able to have major crying fits to work the hurt
out of my system. I wouldn't have been free to do that with someone
else around some griefs have to be dealt with in private.
Now my Mom has moved in with me cause she can't live alone
anymore. It's tough being a single adult with one of your parents
around. Inviting someone to spend the night would be difficult.
Life is full of compromises, I guess we just learn to adapt. liesl
|
| 766.14 | | ACESMK::CHELSEA | Mostly harmless. | Mon May 22 1989 20:11 | 20 |
| I lived alone for 2 years out of college. Before that, I was one
of five children and then usually rooming with at least one other
person. I loved living alone. But the rent went up and I had to
move. Finicky person that I am, there wasn't another single apartment
that was both nice and less expensive than the one I was leaving.
So I took the plunge and moved into a place with someone. It's
mostly pretty good. We never see each other and we're both fairly
hermit-like. But it's still not great. I moved into her place,
so I have to accomodate myself to her existing arrangements in the
common areas. This has turned out to be surprisingly significant.
In terms of relationships, my willingness to enter one is decreasing
as I get more and more set in my ways. The incentive to overcome
selfishness has got to be pretty strong because selfishness is so
satisfying. I need to have lots of time alone. Not just quiet
time, but alone time; I don't want anyone else's presence to distract
me from what I'm doing. When my social calendar heats up, I start
getting cranky. It's almost like being deprived of sleep. Not
terribly surprising, since I spend a lot of my alone time immersed
in my imagination.
|
| 766.15 | Night mode hacking can be fun, but... | FOO::BHAVNANI | SYS$UNWIND - laid back VMS | Mon May 22 1989 22:28 | 9 |
| About 5 years ago, I let a wonderful relationship slip out of my
life in favor of an IBM-PC. Looking back, I realize that has
got to be the single most dumb thing I've ever done. I can be very
objective about it and cite reasons for my decision (need my own
space, love my work, etc.). But it doesn't take long to see how
stupid I was. If nothing else, it's probably made me much more
of a loner than I was.
/ravi
|
| 766.16 | alone but not lonely! | DEC25::LITASI | Time and Tide | Tue May 23 1989 05:42 | 37 |
|
Two years ago I couldn't related to any of the responses...
after all, I was married and "in the groove". Everything
was worked out. Tom and I were living in our peaceful
rut. And it really wasn't all that peaceful.
When I moved out 13.5 months ago, I tried to keep busy.
I had a serious problem being alone. I could barely sit
in my apt and read the newspaper! When I had surgery, I
had to sit at home for an entire weekend and go crazy from
the loneliness. That's when my long-distance phone bills
started to grow ;^) Eventually I got the hang of it and
really liked it.
The bubble burst when I moved back to my house 6 months later
(Tom moved out) and I had all the responsibility of the house
and 1/2 time with my daughter. It wasn't long before I felt
stiffled and closed in. I've been struggling off and on
with being alone. Most of the time I enjoy the freedom, but
sometimes I feel *so* alone. Sometimes I just veg-out. Usually
I log on the computer at times like these and feel like I'm
with my friends...even though I mostly just read, I feel part
of the group.
I'm trying to sell my house these days, and after I do and
get moved, I know things will be better. (esp. financially)
I don't think I would want to move in with a man, or have him
move in with me. I did that for a long time, and I think a
bit of personal freedom is what I need. Because I was married
so long, I'm sure it would be fairly easy to adapt if I ever
would live with someone. Frankly, it would have to be or
why bother?! ;^)
I'm rambling again and up late...sigh, that's the fun of not
being accountable to anyone!
sherry
|
| 766.17 | Do your own thing, but AWAY from me! | ANT::BUSHEE | Living on Blues Power | Wed May 24 1989 12:55 | 7 |
|
Have been living alone for ten years and can't see any
reason what so ever to change. For me living alone is the
only way to go. I wouldn't want/need to have anyone around,
in fact it would drive me up the wall...
G_B
|
| 766.18 | efficiency bug | YODA::BARANSKI | life is the means, love is the ends | Wed May 24 1989 16:19 | 9 |
| It's always seemed to me that living alone is very inefficient.
It's hard to cook or shop for one person. It's inefficient to have all the
gadgets you need to support a household around for one person.
I know that there are people why enjoy living alone and don't care if it
is inefficient, but it does matter to me...
Jim.
|
| 766.19 | You may find it surprisingly painless | STAR::RDAVIS | If I can't dance,you can keep your OS | Wed Aug 16 1989 04:45 | 10 |
| Gawd, I'm playing Samauri Noter tonight, but...
When a matching "independent" person comes along, giving up living
alone is all too easy. It's not like the interminable petty hassles
you can get into with roommates. You can keep all your own space and
still have room for another life. Get an apartment with two rooms to
make up for odd hours, and most of the battle is won.
It's a bitch to go back to that room of your own all by yourself,
though. And "inefficiency" isn't the half of it.
|
| 766.20 | | APEHUB::RON | | Thu Aug 17 1989 20:25 | 19 |
|
I happen to be a 'private' person, requiring his own 'personal
space', at least part of the time. My wife tends to be similar,
even though not to the same extreme.
After we got married and started to live together, we discovered an
interesting (at least, to us) phenomenon. Our need for privacy and
personal space had not diminished; but, our definition of 'personal
space' had changed to include each other. In other words, when my
wife is around, she is not invading my personal space any more than
I am, she is simply a part of it.
Of course, this is highly personal and other people may be quite
different - but I suspect that many are not. This does not happen
overnight, but when people feel a true affinity with each other,
it's bound to happen in time.
-- Ron
|
| 766.21 | ALONE'S FINE... THE *RIGHT* ROOMMATE'S BETTER | DONVAN::MUISE | | Fri Aug 25 1989 18:34 | 20 |
| I think a lot depends on living with someone who wants as much
or as little space as you do.
After living alone for some time and really enjoying it, I worried
when my now husband first moved in with me. Luckilly for us, we
live together very well. We, like Ron can feel as though we have
our own space even when together. And we have always encouraged the
other to continue some aspects of our lives that have nothing to do with
the other.
Like anything else, there are pros and cons. I hate the tv on in the
bedroom at night when I'm ready to sleep... but it's sure nice to have
someone else kill any gigantic bugs I might find. (I'll never get
used to all thes New England insects!!!)
jacki
|