Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Darren, It sounds like your are having feelings of guilt, because what 
you have decided is right for you does not appear to be "the right 
thing" for all concerned.  In my opinion, there are very few decisions 
in life that ARE right for all concerned.  You are always forced to make 
choices, to compromise, to make concessions.  It sounds like you already 
understand that.  (Actually, it appears that You have a better 
philosophy than that presented in the motorcycle ad!)

You mentioned that you know that this "move" will be the best thing for 
you.  If this other person is very important to you, is it possible that 
s/he can make the move with you?  Or if this person is more important 
than the opportunity, will other opportunities follow?

My suggested method for making a decision of this sort is to first 
write down all possible choices.  Next, narrow them down to acceptable 
(to YOU!) choices.  Next, for each choice write down as many "pluses" 
and "minuses" as you can come up with.  When you get through, review 
what you have done.  I believe the answer will be quite clear to you.

And throughout the decisionmaking process, COMMUNICATE with this other 
person!  Get her/his perspective on how it will effect your 
relationship.  It may turn out that your decision will strengthen your 
relationship.  You seem to have a very mature attitude about this 
decision.  Trust your own instincts and feelings, make your decision 
with dedication and confidence.  And if you screw up, "Pick yourself up, 
dust yourself off, Start all over again."  A psychologist named (Joseph?) 
Kopp said, in his book _If You See Buddha in the Street, Kill Him_, 
"Learn to forgive yourself.  Over, and Over, and Over, ..."

Wishing you much success in your decision,

Jack

    A few scattered thoughts:
    
    I haven't really gotten a good idea of what is causing a problem
    here.  Is it that making the move is a big step, and you're a
    bit afraid of what might go wrong during and after the move? 
    Kind-of reluctant to make the move since you're also moving away
    from your current, known, situation?  Afraid that you both might
    be hurt if things don't work out, and then you'd have to move
    away again?  Afraid of breaking what you have between you?
    
    Maybe if you can get to what is really bothering you, you'll find
    some answers.  Either in yourself, or in this file, or with your
    friend.  It does sound like you and your friend need to do some
    talking about this move, about the positives, about the negatives,
    about both your and their fears, about both your and their hopes.
    
    --Louise

Since I know nothing about the actual problem I can make no comments.

However, I do have a thought about the decision making process
itself. The base note author seems to vacillate between "doing the
right thing" and "doing what's right for me". I think I have a clear
cut answer. 

My conclusion is that --when 'doing the right thing' for you cannot
be reconciled with 'doing the right thing' for someone else-- you
should only consider yourself and ignore considerations external to
yourself. Experience tends to show that, unless the final decision
is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT FOR YOU, it is NOT RIGHT AT ALL - neither for
you nor for the other person. 

-- Ron

    	Darren, I encourage you to look at what the risks would actually
    	be of giving more specifics of what your situation is.
    
    	Personally, I could give better feedback if I knew what your
    	situation was.
    
    	Is it that your and your partner are trying to decide whether
    	to marry ?
    
    	/Eric

    Darren,
    
    I can only reinforce what's already been said about doing
    what you really want to do.  However, it seems to me that
    you're feeling responsible for what the other person is
    feeling in this situation.  This leads to a case of the
    guilts.  You can only be responsible for your own feelings.
    No one can "make" you or anyone else feel anything you
    or they don't accept.  When you try to take responsibility
    for someone else's feelings you take their right to choose
    and to be responsible for themselves away.  In my book this
    does that person a disservice by treating them as if they're
    not capable of taking care of themselves.  Therefore, the
    only perspective you can ethically (and practically) have
    is your own.
    
    I'm not saying to deliberately go out and hurt someone.  What
    I am saying is that to try to take responsibility for someone's
    feelings is impossible.  You can feel bad for them and even try
    to ease their hurt by words and actions but ultimately their
    feelings are theirs.  They own them.  You don't.
    
    Nanci

    	Ah.  I think I see what the problem is, here.  You care "X"
	amount for this person, this person cares "Y" amount for you.
	You would like to move and be closer to "Y", hopefully nuturing
	the relationship enough so that y=x.

	My two cents?

	Bad move.

	FWIW, Carol

    re.8
    
    	Hi Carol,
    
    		Yeah, your probably right about the X=Y theory. But,
    I don't think it's a matter of nurturing anything!  It can't be forced,
    it's just either is gonna happen, or it's not.    It has gotta be FOR
    ME.  "X" has to do it for "X" and not worry about what is going to
    happen with "Y".    Trust me, "X" sees this alot better now.....!!!!
                                                     
    Thanks for the $.02 cents..... :^)
    
    "d"