Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Why don't you just ask your friends?
    
    --Louise

    Louise,
    
    I am afraid that they would come to parties with drinking even though
    it is tempting because they wouldn't want to be rude.
    
    Kate
    

    
    	Most recovering alcoholics are *extremely sensitive* to their
    being exposed to and having to watch others consuming alcohol. I'd
    recommend that, for them, you provide a "clean" environment, if
    you expect them to be at all comfortable within it.
    
    	Joe Jas

    
    If it's your party, why do you have to serve alcohol? It's really
    possible to have a nice enjoyable party with out it.  At both mine
    and my sisters' weddings we had over 250 people and not a drop of
    alcohol, and folks had a good time (at least they said so). I think
    there is too much emphasis on serving alcohol in our society. I
    say invite them and forget the booze.

    I have a tendency to agree with .4.
    
    Every recovering alcoholic is differert--both while they are drinking,
    and when/if they stop.  Some people are alcoholics long before anyone
    even has an idea that they even drink heavily.  Some are so 
    obvious you wonder why *they* can't see what they are doing.  And
    the same with recoverers.
    
    I have known some recovering alcoholics who don't even keep liquid
    flavorings which have alcohol in them, in their kitchens.  I know
    others who frequently cook with wine/beer.  
    
    Goodness, but have I run on!  What I am really trying to say is,
    there isn't any "right" or "wrong" way to do things when dealing
    with recovering alcoholics, but you can *never* go wrong by just
    not having the stuff around until they really get better grounded in
    the personal strength they will acquire with longer sobriety.
    
    Marilyn
    

In support of .4, we often give drink-less parties (except, maybe,
for a large punch bowl - but, I believe, punch can be made non
alcoholic). 

We, as well as some of our guests, do not drink; however, some of
them normally do. Still, I cannot recall a single party that was not
enjoyable to one and all. You don't have to drink to have fun.

-- Ron

    There is no "most recovering alcoholics are X...," since almost
    everyone of my AA friends is different about this.  One thing AA
    people have learned to do is to be able to talk with a friend about
    what works for them.
    
    An alcohol free event is fine... and I would certainly never forget
    to have non-alcoholic options if alcohol was being served.
    
    Asking and talking about it is always a good idea... it shows your
    thoughtfulness and caring, and would be seen as a loving gesture.
    And it is always better than trying to psych things out....
    
    R.
    

    
    	Ok, insert the words "I know" between "alcoholics" and "are"
    in my previous reply, to make it less definate.
    
    	Joe Jas

I hope I can make this reply without getting people mad. I've been reading this 
file for quite awhile but, I haven't made too many entries.

I have a bit of a problem with the idea of going out of your way to make things 
comfortable for AA members at a party. I don't mean to make this specific to 
Kate's situation but, by removing the temptation for them, aren't you being a 
bit codependant? Wouldn't it be better to let these people face whatever 
challenges come their way on their own strengths and convivtions? If these 
people were recovering pot or coke addicts (forget legalities in this case) 
and some of your other friends used those drugs, would you ask them to refrain
from doing so? If you had a guest that was a recovering sex/love addict, would
you choose not to invite someone that would be tempting to him/her? If you had a
friend that was trying to quit smoking would you tell everyone else not to 
smoke? You can't remove all the temptations to a recovering addict for them.
I believe they can only resist them with their own convivtions.

Also, although it is perfectly possible to have a fun time without alcohol, some
people do enjoy it at a party. Is it right to take away their privilidge of 
choice when they like to drink, for the benefit of someone else who might be 
tempted? Shouldn't _everybody_ be given the respect to be able to choose on 
their own what they will do?

Respectfully,

Pete

    Pete,
    
    Some of what you say is true, but you have overlooked a social
    dynamic.  At a [typical] party, the hosts do not go around offering
    cigarettes, sexual partners, or illegal drugs -- but they do go
    around offering drinks.  So there is a difference between the
    cases you mentioned.
    
    						Ann B.

    IMO why treat them any differently than before? It might make them
    feel uncomfortable. I can see if it was only you or them then YOU
    might feel funny pulling out the wine or beer but it probably wouldn't
    make any difference to them, they have the diease of Alcoholism
    not you. I know that I would be hestiate to pull out any alcohol
    if somebody else didn't drink, so I'd ask if they minded so I'd
    asked first. But if I was entertaining, I'd not change a thing,
    I would still invite them, and leave it up to them. You can not
    force them not to drink or to drink, all you can do is just be a
    friend and be you.
    
    lisa

Ann;

>    At a [typical] party, the hosts do not go around offering
>    cigarettes, sexual partners, or illegal drugs -- but they do go
>    around offering drinks.

Gee, I guess you never went to any parties in the 60's, Ann. :^)

Seriously, do hosts actually go around offering drinks at parties? I usually 
just have the ingredients available and anyone interested does what they want 
with them. 

Pete

    The current etiquette is to have choices of alcoholic and non-
    alcoholic beverages for your guest.  It is also very poor etiquette
    for the host/hostess to insist that guests have a drink.
    
    Many people choose not to drink, not because they cannot handle
    alcohol but the pleasure is not worth the price healthwise or the
    risk of becoming inebriated and being unable to function normally
    is unacceptable.
    
    If your friends want to live in an alcohol free environment they
    will tell you and refuse the invitation.  It is always possible
    to have another gathering at a later date.
    
    I would not bring up the subject...I would be confident that they
    could deal with it themselves.
    

    
    Hi .0
    
    	I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic.  We entertain
    	quite a bit at home, I drink myself and yes we always 
    	have alcohol in the house, this does not bother my 
    	husband.  However, a friend of ours who is also a 
    	recovering alcoholic never has alcohol in his home.
    
    	Every alcoholic has his or her own way of dealing 
    	with this situation.
    
    	There is one thing though that still bugs my husband
    	when we go out, that is when some one asks me what I
    	will have to drink they just say "what are you having?"
    	Whereas when they ask my husband, they invariably ask
    	will you a Coke or a 7up, he usually says "no" "I'll have
    	a drink", they then look aghast, when he says "make
    	it a tonic".  So you see there is no rule - that is the
    	rule
    
    	Regards
    	Aileen.