Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    When you have to put _SO_ much energy into making things "work".
    
    jp

    when the pain of leaving is < the pain of staying
    
    or
    
    the joys of being on your own again are > the joys of staying...
    
    
    
    
    ... and it's been that way for a while and doesn't look like it
    is a passing phase.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    note:  I suspect that we humans tend to extremes on this one and
    some of us are far too hasty to throw in the towel when the going
    gets tough, while others of us cling far too long when the evidence
    is pretty well in that what we are clinging to isn't healthy for
    us.
    
    R.
    

    
    
    When your heart and mind each have the strength to allow
    you to walk away.
    
    Deborah
    

    Sometimes it's best to listen to just one of those things.  Often
    the Mind and the Heart conflict.
    
    
    Bill

    
    	When every single thing you do, say, feel or express is met
    with a negative comment, devalued, undermined or invalidated.
    
    	Joe Jas
    

    Sometimes, Joe, that means that the person you're dealing with is
    having some problems with their self image.  It may be time to
    walk, but it might also be time to work with that person, or get
    that person to find some help.  Depends on the person's other
    attributes.  And your patience level.
    
    --Louise

    When the only way to grow is away........sigh (7 months later)
    
    Scott

    When (s)he says "the relationship does not feel right to me; it
    is not comfortable"...
    
    When (s)he spends more time alone than with you _ALL_ the time...
    
    When (s)he has been intimately close for a number of years, and
    you are no closer than you were when you had known each other for
    2 weeks...
    
    When something happens that you both _should_ have been able to talk
    about it, and you can't [or (s)he won't]...
    
    When you know they are home, and you call, and (s)he doesn't answer
    the phone... Or when you leave your answering machine on, cuz you
    don't want to talk to him (her)...
    
    When you know he's only a heartbeat away, but you feel so lonely...
    
    When your daughter (son) says, "Mom I just don't like him (her)"
    and she is so serious, that you can't hurt her (him)...
    

    IMHO: before one walks, every consideration should be made to make
    sure that the "walker" is ready to go - emotionally, if necessary,
    physically (move out).  And again, IMHO, that includes trying to
    see what might be causing the change in the other person.
    
    That way, it is much easier to get on with the "getting over" once
    the relationship is actually walked away from.  
    
    I am, personally, one who really needs a sense of closure on any
    broken relationship--SO, friend, whatever.  This makes it easier
    for me to look forward and not backward, wondering if I did the
    right thing, or wondering if I failed to communicate and therefore may
    have been the cause of a final ending that might have been avoided.
    Or if the break was made, to leave with dignity and grace.
    
    Marilyn

"and you can't [or (s)he won't]..."

Why is it always "can't" when it's us, and "won't" when it's someone else?
Shouldn't we give other people the same benifit of the doubt that we give our
selves?  How many people can really tell the difference between "I Can't" and I
Won't"? 

Jim. 

    RE: .10
    
    Jim, since I used the words can't/won't, I wasn't using it as
    an us/them situation, it was an either/or/or both...
    
    however, to answer your question:
    
    How many people can tell the difference between can't and won't?
    Don't know, but I'll give it a shot...
    
    Can't - the negative form of can
    Won't - will not, or the negative form of will
    
    I see can as the physical or mental ability to do something, the
    possessing of a power, a right or a privilege.  So "can't" would
    be the negative form, or NOT having the above.  IE... if you are
    not home, and your phone rings, you don't have the physical ability
    to answer it, so you can't answer it. 
    
    I see will as an intention, a probability or desire...  So, won't
    is again not having the intention, the desire, or the probability.
    Again... if you are home, and the phone rings, and you have the
    ability to answer it, and you don't, meaning you don't have the
    intention, then you fall under the "won't" category...
    
    Clear as mud yet?

Gale,

I knew the meanings of the words... :-)

What I trying to get at is, say an OPH, leaving breadcrumbs on the counter from
your morning toast.  The offender may say 'I CAN'T clean up, I don't have time',
while the other person might say 'why WON'T you clean up your mess'.

Which is it, "can't", or "won't"?

This gets real interesting when you consider two people in a relationship
who can't or won't meet all the needs of the other person...

Jim. 

>>who can't or won't meet all the needs of the other person...

  hmm, i think that may be asking a little too much, ALL of
  someone's needs?

                                tlr

    
    	Seems today it's time to walk the first time you find out one
    	little thing to prove the one you're seeing isn't perfect....
    
    	Just MHO
    
    	G_B