| The following reply is from the anonymous author of the base note.
re: Background. He came from a very strong Italian background. Very well
ordered. His Grandfather ruled the family. And he was very close to him.
OR So He Said.
re: My Divorce. I have been divorced, 4 years, separated for almost 5. So I
have been own my own for about 9 years. So it isn't that I have dated, and it
isn't that I shouldn't have known better. I did, but I started to trust again
and I feel I should have known better.
re: Time. Though we weren't together long, I would say it was about 2 months.
But that was in constant touch with each other. And seeing each other 2-3
times a week.
Though I'm not feeling really down about this, and I know life goes on. I'm
still confused, more so because all I want from him is an answer. As Wendy
said in her note, why can't someone be honest. It only takes a minute's time
and could save a lot of hard feelings and hurt.
re: 1 and 3, I don't know if this answers your questions, I hope so. It's
hard to answer it all.
Thanks
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| re .4:
I can't speak from experience, since I've never been married or
had a long-term relationship with someone. However, here are some
of my views:
As an Italian with parents from the "Old Country", I may have some
insights on the "Italian Male". I don't wish to generalize, especially
since I feel that I don't fit this picture, but Italian males are
generally brought up to be dependant on their mothers, and later dependant
on his wife. Generally, "woman's" work such as cleaning and cooking
are not taught to the men and for that and many other reasons they
depend on the women in their life. Many times, they are arrogant,
thick-headed (ie stubborn as a mule), and insultive. They will
just "blow up" and start yelling without thinking things through.
Yes, the Italian male is the head of the family, or "capofamiligia",
the wife IS supposed to stay at home and take care of the kids and
is NOT supposed to work outside the home. Women are "allowed" to
do "women" things but they are always subject to their husband's
scrutiny. Though these ideas and personalities "worked" 40 years
ago (women were taught by their mother's that this WAS correct),
other than in a few places in Italy today, these ideas are sort of extinct.
Not exactly extinct though, since I'm 20, and both of my parents (immigrants
to this country) were brought up under these family "guidelines".
On a plus side, Italian men are very family oriented, and care
very much for children and keeping a close relationship with their
aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. They are also good
providers at least financially if not emotionally.
Today, the Italian male is a much watered down product of his earlier
counterpart. My dad conceded (semi-reluctantly) to having my mother
work (she babysat many neighborhood kids). Both my parents understand
that their kids may NOT necessarily marry Catholic Italians (something
unheard of in "their" time). Also, education is very important
not just for the man (still the theoretical provider), but also
for their daughters who in the 1980's and 90's CANNOT depend on
a man to take care of them. Something I also see changing is that
most women today (Italian women included) are marrying later. My
mother married at 21, and most of my aunts and relatives married
young. A woman back then needed to know how to sew, cook, clean,
take care of babies, etc. since her only direction in life was to
become a wife. Today, a woman has to be able to provide for herself,
and today she is doing it.
In reference to your situation, you had the misfortune of being
involved with a very immature man who probably had a fantastic ego.
My guess is that he blames you for the separation, and it is most
probable that his family and relatives do too. He probably never
talked to you about why the two of you were drifting apart, and
probably during the marriage he must have had difficulty showing
his emotions, his dreams, his fears, anything that in his mindset
would have shown weakness. In his defense though, you have to keep
in his mind that he was probably taught by his family and friends
that his actions were correct. I know that I've tried very hard
to put my parent's teachings into today's perspective, but it is
difficult. I am glad that experience is such a fantastic teacher
and that most women today don't go for the dominating male attitude
and will tell you so. Considering yourself lucky for getting out
of a bad situation. You will love again, and you'll find that special
guy. Good luck.
Larry Stefani
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| RE: .0
> When I called his home a woman answered, told me nobody lived
> there by that name.
Hate to sound hokey, but this *is* possible. He could be involved
in some criminal activity or, more likely, some federal Gov. work.
If he was working undercover, his involvement with you may have
been unexpected. He probably *really* fell in love with
you and was then pulled from the area. He would not be able to
tell you anything (and he wouldn't either), and their would be no
trace of him if their wasn't supposed to be. He would also not
be able to contact you in the near future (even if he left the fed job).
I know this sounds weird, but this *is* a realistic possibility,
beleive it or not!
jim
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| The following reply is from the anonymous author of the base note.
Its Me again...
I'm sorry that this message is/might upset some people...though I don't
know why it should, maybe for some of us, we have all been there at one
time or another, I can't say. All I CAN say, is I wish you the
friends, and understanding that I have found... My thanks to you all,
and I will answer the mail messages as soon as I can. Thanks for being
there for me....
anyway..................
re:05.... Italian men. What you're saying is right, and I know.
Being married to one for almost 25 years, and being Italian myself, Yes
you're right!! I remember my ex telling me I would never work, and
having a doctor tell him that if he cared about me, he would let me go,
and let me be me. He used to show up with the kids all there. And have
them stand there an tell them Daddy couldn't taken care of mommy...
Fine.... That was his way...
This, no way... This guy did that with his wife, and I'm willing to
bet he is still married, maybe the second, and to a younger woman...
I'm not saying I'm right... I'm saying it could happen.
I was raised in an Italian home. MY MOTHER ruled the house, until dad
said that's enough...
re: 06.... I don't know if you're right or wrong, I don't know what was
going on,I still don't... I probably never will know the TRUTH... BUT
YET........
re: 07....Please believe me when I say I'm not putting you down. I
can't and have no right... But my God, you really would make a great
writer of fantasy.. That is what you called it, isn't it? You can't
really believe that he was/is and undercover agent? Weeeeelllllll, you
may be right, but its not undercover of anything we can talk about
here. But I will say, I do like your thinking... But IT'S NOT SO.....
I do thank you, for giving me the time to EVEN think about it.....and
to make believe he thought of ME.
I will answer all the Mail message I have received. It may take
awhile, but I will.
What you all have to understand, is that I'M NOT HURTING... he went by
in my life as I did his, I didn't ask for anything, except honesty
from DAY ONE. He said he would, well, so much of promises....He
promised me the stars, I should say he showed me the stars, I didn't
want them! Why? Because I couldn't REACH THEM... Didn't even
try.....
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