Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Investing all your faith and trust in another is asking a lot from
    that person, and also renders your inner resources fragile.  Until
    you can trust yourself, you will not be able to find that support
    in one person.  Yes, maybe for a short time, but eventually, the
    other person will be overwhelmed by the responsibility you have
    given him/her.
    
    When you begin to develop your own interests and become stronger,
    then the relationships you enter into will be stronger and more
    balanced.  Until then, you are asking the other person to carry
    most of the weight.
    
    Try to take an objective look at how you're going about establishing
    and maintaining a relationship and learn from mistakes
    

    
    I think it has to do with one's self-esteem.  How they feel about
    themselves.  Whether a person can be truly independent and alone
    [solo: not to be read lonely] begins with one's ability to feel
    good about themselves.  I'm not saying that is easy.  Especially
    for someone who may be experiencing feelings of low self-esteem.
     Those feelings can be carryed back so far [baggage] that the person
    is not aware of how impacting it is.
    
    The natural [human] thing to do is to rely on another person.  This
    makes the bad feelings go away.  Unfortunatly; when one relies on
    another for their self esteem they become so dependant that can
    let go.  That may be ok for someone who is in a healthy [???]
    relationship.  A relationship in which the other person recognizes
    their partners weeknesses and does not take advantage of it.
    
    But; most often that is not the case.  The person now is trapped.
     They can't let go of the person who is hurting them because they
    would die of the thought of being alone.  How many times have you
    heard the phrase.  "I know deep down inside he/she's a good person.
     Their just upset with me. I could'nt leave them"
    
    There are so many people that are so afraid of being alone they
    would compromise their entire lives and be with the wrong person
    rather face an empty home.
    
    I suggest if you are really unhappy with your mate and see your
    life passing you by and you fear the fear of being alone more than
    the unhappiness of being with this person you get professional help.
    Life is too short to be trapped in an unhealthy relationship.
    
    I know.  It took me two years to get the guts to ask for a divorse.
     I was so afraid of what being alone [really alone] would do to
    me.  And I can attest to the fact [9 years later] that I am a better
    person for it.  I am independant.  I do not need someone to make
    me feel good.  I feel good about myself.  
    
    Thats not to say I would not want to share that [goodness] with
    another person.  Remember!  A person can not take away something
    they never gave you.  If you are happy about yourself then that
    happiness can't be taken away by someone.  But if you need someone
    in your life to give you happiness then something is wrong to start
    with.
    
    Bill

re: .1


>    Investing all your faith and trust in another is asking a lot from
>    that person, and also renders your inner resources fragile.  Until
>    you can trust yourself, you will not be able to find that support
>    in one person.  Yes, maybe for a short time, but eventually, the
>    other person will be overwhelmed by the responsibility you have
>    given him/her.
 
Sometimes I do seem to muddle things up, please let me clarify, I am thinking 
rather clearer now. I never lost trust or faith in myself actually, but yes I 
did put alot of trust and faith in the person who said he would love me 
forever and would forever be at my side through thick and thin, sickness and 
health, richer and poorer. Guess i shouldn't have taken that quite so 
seriously. ;-) I thought mine was the _storybook_ romance. Man and woman 
deeply in love, sharing all things, happy in and with each other. Each 
possessing that remarkable ability to sense the others mood level and act 
accordingly. After all, we can't share all things and each must occassionally 
have a little space on a very personal level. Ah, but yes, fatally I did trust 
him to always be my man.

   
>    When you begin to develop your own interests and become stronger,
>    then the relationships you enter into will be stronger and more
>    balanced.  Until then, you are asking the other person to carry
>    most of the weight.

I have many interests, some which included my sweetheart and some that he did 
not participate in, due to personal taste, time committment or whatever. I did 
not expect him to join me in all things.

    
 >   Try to take an objective look at how you're going about establishing
 >   and maintaining a relationship and learn from mistakes
  
And thankyou for taking the time to share with me, I will endevor to gain all 
benefits possible from this experience and move on with my life. I have not 
done well in the past when I'm alone. I become too reckless with my health and 
general well-being. I've always loved being surrounded by people, but my 
children are now grown and on their own and I want them to forge their own 
way. I shall miss the talking, joking and sharing of each others day with my 
loved one though...those were the most special of times.

  

    
>    I think it has to do with one's self-esteem.  How they feel about
>    themselves.  Whether a person can be truly independent and alone
>    [solo: not to be read lonely] begins with one's ability to feel
>    good about themselves.  I'm not saying that is easy.  Especially
>    for someone who may be experiencing feelings of low self-esteem.
>     Those feelings can be carryed back so far [baggage] that the person
>    is not aware of how impacting it is.
 
I never had to much problem with my self-esteem prior to this >unless you 
count the dreadful teen years and all _those_ insecurities< ;-) ;-) I've 
generally spent my adulthood very upbeat, positive directed. I've always 
attracted lots of people, but there were very few that I formed true 
friendships with and I value those precious few highly. It was always a 
quality thing with me, not the quanity. Anyone can *know* lots of people. I 
know lots and lots of people too, but only a few are my friends. My husband is 
my friend, my expectations were that we'd *always* be very special friends. 
His expectations seem to have gone a new and unchartered course. He's wants us 
to part, as friends, but to part all the same.

   
>    The natural [human] thing to do is to rely on another person.  This
>    makes the bad feelings go away.  Unfortunatly; when one relies on
>    another for their self esteem they become so dependant that can
>    let go.  That may be ok for someone who is in a healthy [???]
>    relationship.  A relationship in which the other person recognizes
>    their partners weeknesses and does not take advantage of it.
>    
>    But; most often that is not the case.  The person now is trapped.
>     They can't let go of the person who is hurting them because they
>    would die of the thought of being alone.  How many times have you
>    heard the phrase.  "I know deep down inside he/she's a good person.
>     Their just upset with me. I could'nt leave them"
>    
>    There are so many people that are so afraid of being alone they
>    would compromise their entire lives and be with the wrong person
>    rather face an empty home.
 
I don't get my self-esteem from my husband, it comes from with-in..I am 
feeling quite blue over the whole matter and my esteem is crushed, but I know 
I'll move through those feelings. And should I not be able to move smoothly, I 
will inevitable mask those feelings. Yeah, I know, _that's_ unhealthy, but it 
is a reality. I never felt trapped. This love made me feel free as the wind 
and valued and special and great...do you follow why it is hard and painful to 
give it up.

   
>    I suggest if you are really unhappy with your mate and see your
>    life passing you by and you fear the fear of being alone more than
>    the unhappiness of being with this person you get professional help.
>    Life is too short to be trapped in an unhealthy relationship.
>    
>    I know.  It took me two years to get the guts to ask for a divorse.
>     I was so afraid of what being alone [really alone] would do to
>    me.  And I can attest to the fact [9 years later] that I am a better
>    person for it.  I am independant.  I do not need someone to make
>    me feel good.  I feel good about myself.  
>    
>    Thats not to say I would not want to share that [goodness] with
>    another person.  Remember!  A person can not take away something
>    they never gave you.  If you are happy about yourself then that
>    happiness can't be taken away by someone.  But if you need someone
>    in your life to give you happiness then something is wrong to start
>    with.
    
    Bill, thanks so much for sharing with me, I do follow what you are saying 
to me and your thinking is sound and well-directed. It appears that you had to 
hoe a pretty rough row yourself. I don't want a divorce though, but he does. I 
know that I can support myself, that is not a fear, I just fear being alone, 
all night, every night. Perhaps later a thousand ideas will come to me to make 
those hours productive and fulfilling. That will be my goal once this 
relationship finally goes the way of other broken relationships.

    
    Your original note was so short.  I read and interpeted in my own
    way what I thought you were saying and what I thought might be going
    on.  In short; I was not reading "My spouse is leaving the relationship
    after being with him for a long time and I do not want the relationship
    to end and I fear being alone"
    
    What I "was" reading was; "I'm in a dead end relationship and can't
    seem to cut the cord.  I'm afraid of being alone."  
    
    Two very different situationships.
    
    Although I still believe in what I said in .1 I would modify my
    feelings somewhat to read more like the following.
    
    Being with someone you love and care for; and for a very long time
    who reciprocates in kind is a binding human experience.  
    
    ANyone, anyone.  Any human being who experiences a breaking apart
    of that bond is going feel the lonely emotions.  Especially when
    its not something you want.  
    
    I think each person deals with "a break up" in their own way. All
    of your emotions are being challenged "or will be".  The missing,
    the loving, the anger, the pain... And yes the lonliness.
    
    But I can say a few things for certain.  What you are feeling is
    normal.  One's self-esteem will always be rendered into mud when
    theses things happen.  If you can only remember.  He is doing this
    not to you or because of you and who you are.  But because of who
    he is and what he wants today.
    
    Hang in there.  The bad news is it will get worse.  The good news
    is it will get better aftwerwards.
    
    Suggest you still get professional help and rely on your friends
    for moral and emotional support.  That's what friends are for.
    
    The book Creative Divorse helped me 9 years ago.  The book How to
    survive the loss of a love"  helped me 2 years ago.  You may want
    to consider theses and others.
    
    Good luck.
    
    Bill