Conference quark::human_relations-v1

                                        
    
       Living with a Step-family can be unbeliebably tough.
    Let me tell you a little story about my step family.
    
       My natural father died 15 years ago when I was 10 years old.
    I suppose it could be considered an advantage to not have really
    known my father because I was so young. I never thought of is that
    way though. I have four sisters, 2 older and two younger we currently
    range in ages from 21 to 35. My mother who had never done anything
    but raise kids before my father died suddenly had to go out and
    get a job to support 5 kids in a house that was not yet paid for.
    (just for yuks the payment was $170 a month at the time)
       Over the next 9 years my mother was able to work and give us
    everything we needed and give a good upbringing at the same time.
       This was an incredible feat as I look back on it. She put 2 kids
    Thru college as well. This is where The story really begins.
       My older sister Lisa was going to school at UMASS Amherst. She
    was one of the only people from my home town of marlboro in a very
    big school. While in one of here classes she met someone else who
    was from marlboro and was taking the same engineering degree she
    was and they became instant friends and spent a lot of time studying
    together. One weekend that they were both home they decided that
    they would introduce each others parents to one another. It turned
    out that Marks (the friend at school) Mother had been killed in
    the same manner and within two months of the time that my father
    had been killed. Both single parents suddenly had something very
    unusual in common and hit it off imediatly. Well, one thing led
    to another adn 3 months later I had the unusual pleasure of seeing
    my own mother get married.
       Two years later my sister lisa and here friend mark became more
    than just friends, as a matter of fact they became husband and wife.
    Now, Mark also has a rather large family. He has 2 brothers 1 older
    and 1 younger as well as two sisters 1 older and one Younger. That
    made a total of 12 of us. When the marraige took place it was decided
    to consolidate two housholds into one. Fortunately my older sister
    and the oldest Greenlaw (the step-family) girl were both married.
    This left us to just 10 people living in one small 4 bedroom house.
      About the time that everybody got everything moved as well as
    it could be we discovered that we really did not know each other
    at all. Because of the way my mother took care of us we had developed
    a fierce loyalty to her. Whatever my mother says is Law!!!! I soon
    realized that a complete stranger was married to and sleeping with
    my mother !!!! It was a shock that I did not see coming and it hurt.
      Arguments became common place at the house. (It did not seem like
    "Home" any more) It soon became Us against Them. Tensions were eased
    a little when we finally bought a Large 5 bedroom house in Upton.
    But life was still hard to Handle. This situation went on confrontation
    after confrontation for about a year and a half in the new House.
    (definitly not Home!!!)Finally Mark and Lisa got married and moved
    out. The wedding was like a jubilation a release of many tensions
    for everyone in the family. The partying started at 3 That afternoon
    and did not end till 5 A.M. The next day. 
       A funny thing happend after the wedding. I myself began to see
    my step famil a little differently. I was able to step back and
    look at them as people instead of invaders. This is where the important
    learning took place. I was not the only one to do this and we soon
    developed what is now the cornerstone of the family relationship.
       Respect for the others views. There is still some of "Us and
    Them" but that will always be there and provide a little bit of
    Identity for all of us. When we get together as a family about once
    or twice a month things are relaxed and everybody talks about what
    is going on in thier lives. One of the important things to remember
    is that although somewhere down inside you may want to consider
    a step-family as just Family They are not now and never will be.
    That is not bad though !! Step back, look at what you have here. You have
    a unique relationship that only a few people get the chance to develop
    ad enjoy. Learning to cope with a Step-family is a Character builder
    of the greatest Magnitude because you are accepting or trying to
    accept these people as the closest thing to family there can be. 
       That is great !! both in thought and in action. Its also tough!!!!!
    Don't Think it will be easy, But don't think it is impossible either.
    
    
         P.S. Mark and Lisa just had a baby girl (Sarah) the kid only
              has one set of grandparents and her father is also her
              Uncle. (Think about it) I'll tell you though, It sure
              Makes it easy to pick whos house to go to at christmas!!!!!!
    
    
                                 John C.

    The Central Massachusetts Chapter of Stepfamily Association of America
    will be holding support group meetings, beginning tonight (7/12)
    at 7:30 pm in Sterling at a private home.  For more information
    about the meetings or about SAA, contact Diane at (617) 422-8271.
    
    

    .....and if you are not located in the New England area, please
    call Stepfamily Association of America's national office at
    (301) 823-7570.  They will be glad to put you in touch with
    a chapter near you.
    

	When I first saw this note, I made a mental note to come back to
	it when I had more time.  I've been following the discussion on
	(dys)functional families as well.  I was hoping there'd be more
	responses here, so I could see what other step-families went
	through, but I'll share some of my experiences just the same. 
	NOTE: I speak from the "kids" point of view.

	I think the biggest problem in my step-family was that my mother
	and step-father did not cope with the "HIS kids/HER kids" issue
	very well at all.  My step-father's daughters were 15 and 10,
	and my brother and I were 10 and 13 at the time of the marriage.
	My step-father's first wife had died several years before (my
	dad's still alive and has always been very involved with us).
	After the first year, it was very apparent that my step-sisters
	had behavior problems.  Now, I'm not saying my brother and I were
	angels, but we weren't into alcohol/drugs, skipping school, etc
	like they were.  So, "HIS" girls needed and received quite a bit
	more discipline.  When that came from my mother, they really
	resented it, and complained to their father.  If he thought it was
	unreasonable, he would take it out on my brother and myself.  He'd
	even go so far as to warn us to "watch out", that he'd "come down
	on us like a ton of bricks" the next time we stepped out of line.
	So we had a lot of retaliation, no consistency at all.  My step-
	father was/is very irrational at times, and has quite a temper.
	He later admitted that his jealousy (over the fact that my mother
	had two "normal" children) did not help our situation one bit.

	There's been quite a history over the last 8 years or so.  There's
	been a total "about face" on my step-father's part as well.  He
	has practically nothing to do with his daughters (they are now
	even more messed up), so he has taken on my brother and myself as
	his own.  This could be okay, but sometimes it's almost too
	smothering.  There are a lot of things that he's done to my brother
	and mother that make it hard to forgive him.  Luckily, as an adult,
	it's a little easier to deal with.

	Anyway, this is something I could go on and on about, but that's
	not what prompted me to respond.  I know that with older children,
	it's hard to change the environment. But I think *consistent*,
	reasonable rules are necessary...integrate the family as a whole.
	I think there needs to be a lot of communication...sitting down as
	a family, talking out problems, without yelling, getting irrational,
	etc.  This means "her" kids don't just run to Mom, and "his" kids
	to Dad.  Not having been on the parental side, it's easy for me to
	say all this.  I've also been known to be a bit of an idealist.
    	I have heard some stories of step-families being as close as
    	a natural family, so I believe it can be done.  Of course it
    	depends on the personalities involved...
    
	When I have a family, I'll certainly know what NOT to do...

	Sorry for being so long-winded.....

	-Amy-
    

    re: .6
    
    That's an interesting experience, Amy.  Thank you for sharing it. 
    
    It confirms my belief that the most important thing about a good
    family is that it's consistent -- you know what to expect, you
    know what behavior is approved and what is frowned on, you know
    what is expected of you, you know that an outburst of temper or a
    "I'm too tired to talk to you tonight" is an abberation, not a
    part of the pattern.
    
    Even if you don't agree, even if the family patterns and rules
    don't meet your needs, even if you have to rebel and leave, the
    family itself has been good because it has given you a place to
    start from, to position yourself relative to.  Because there was a
    pattern, you can change the pattern, you know how you're
    different, you can use what you learned and go on to be what you
    have to be. 
    
    I have to wonder, though, if in your case you and your siblings
    were healthier than your step-siblings, or if your injuries are
    just less obvious than theirs.  Children who display 'acting out'
    behavior get all the attention, but children who react more
    quietly, by turning off their emotions or suppressing parts of
    their personalities, are just as damaged.  I suspect that this
    "squeaking wheel gets the grease" and "I'm so glad X is a good
    boy" attitude on the part of parents is a major contributing
    factor to step-family difficulties. 

    --bonnie

>        I have to wonder, though, if in your case you and your siblings
>    were healthier than your step-siblings, or if your injuries are
>    just less obvious than theirs.  

    	Well, my brother and I were lucky - we could spend time with my 
    	father, in a much healthier environment.  He encouraged openness,
    	lots of communication, and consistency.  My mother had full custody,
	so we lived with her and my step-father, but I think my dad's 
    	influence helped us out a lot.  My brother and I still feel
    	some damage, but we're working through it.  I think my step-sisters
    	had injuries from their father even before his re-marriage.

    	-Amy-

    Barb-
    
    I'm on the other side, my kids live with their dad, and their is
    a step family situation there.  Same basic problems though...I get
    bi-weekly updates you know!  My ex, his newest wife and I talk to
    each other first, then the children.  That way we are in agreement
    first. If we don't agree totally, we agree to support which ever
    decision is best. Kids LOVE to split!!  The only situation I have
    that pertains to this is my husband thinks his child is perfect
    and without fault worth mentioning, while my children are fault
    ridden. No children live with us, so we don't have it "up close".
    But, I don't tolerate behavior from my husband I don't like, attitudes,
    words, whatever.  I insist on what is fair, guys don't seem to have
    a very good sense of what is fair. So this is always a battle. 
    But I stick to my guns and do what is fair with/without his support.
    He is getting much better.  Especially since we've married, it was
    worse before.

    The monthly support meetings for for the Worcester chapter of
    Stepfamily Association of America will begin Monday, September 12,
    at the Unitarian Universalist Church on Holden Street in Worcester.
    They will begin at 7:00 pm and be held the first Monday of each
    month.  If you would like more information, please call Diane at
    422-8271.
    

    Healthy Step Family...
    
    This is my 2nd step family, (where I'm still the "Bob"); and the
    situation is quite healthy. 
    
    I attended two Step Family meetings; and the support shown is really
    wonderful. BUT ... for our situation ... its not what we need. 
    
    What would be nice is a "Parents of Teen Age Children" support group.
    
    Its funny (where funny eqals wierd, strange, odd, peculiar, too bad)
    that people can get "involved" with another parent; then try to meld
    the two families together with demands and rules; instead of patience
    and kindnesses. 
    
    In going through various notes from time-time (Dear Abby / Ann Landers
    columns, eetc) the commonality of demands some people put on their
    newly aquired children, and yes, their SO as well. 
    
    Demands like "Well, here  we are. I'm your new daddy and YOU WILL call
    me Daddy". Or "Well, honey, it looks like you're going to have to cope
    with my kids." 
    
    To me, kids have a split allegiance (loyalty) to both biological
    parents, and in some cases a hostility to the "more recent parent". 
    
    No matter how big a bum or rat the absent parent is; they are still a
    parent; and kids have  a natural loyalty to them.
    
    The strength a NEW parent can offer, is wisdom, guidance, encouragement
    (the same things one would normally give to their biological children,
    when they can). In this case, sort of a cross between a parent, friend,
    mentor, and  adviser; where the "crossover" is based on the childs NEED
    at any one time (whether or not the child agrees). 

    To me, it seems strange, but articles on marriage, divorce,
    step-family,aging, mental_incompetance, nursing homes and other Family
    related financial issues have been popping up with routine regularity
    in various financial magazines. However, considering the impact of
    multiple divorces on peoples finances, or the toll that various "age
    related" disabilities takes on resources; it makes sense. 

    Bob    

    

I have created a notes conference on DLOACT::BLENDED_FAMILIES to discuss this
topic in more depth.  Participation from ANYONE in ANY family situation is
requested and encouraged!  Please feel free to share in this conference.