Conference quark::human_relations-v1

493.0. "What to do for a wronged divorce victim" by QUARK::HR_MODERATOR () Thu Apr 07 1988 19:49

This note was first posted in WOMANNOTES, and is posted here (where I think
it is more appropriate) with permission of the author.


I am entering this note for a member of the community who
wishes to remain anonymous. The first part of the note is
background material and the actual problem that she wants
help with is at the end of the note.




I have one heck of a problem....it all started 10 years ago when 
I married this man who for ten years of marriage abused me 
psychologically - he is a biology teacher for junior high school 
and he treated me like he treated them.  He always needed to be 
in control and when he lost that control he always lost his 
temper!  Nothing I did could ever be good enough.  I was like a 
barbie doll and nothing more.  See, I was eight years younger 
than him and thin....which he loved.  He dressed me up and took 
me to all of his parties to show me off.  But needless to say I 
was just "fluff" to him and no brains.  

After about two years of this I decided to go back to school to 
prove I was more than "fluff".  He made me drop out before I 
started and used the feeling guilty attitude on me because of his 
mother.  She needed him to go help with the house so she could 
sell it (his father had died a few years before we met and he is 
an only child) so I went thinking I could always go back to 
school.  He also promised that if his mother or I didn't like the 
situation we could move back to New Hampshire.  After three 
months I didn't like it.  I wanted to move back...but he then 
told me we couldn't afford it.  I like to know why since we were 
not paying rent.  We had big fights....and finally a year later 
we moved back.  I thought it would be okay again, but no...we had 
one BIG argument and he decided to commit sucide by swallowing 
a large amount of salt water really fast....he said something 
about drowning himself in his lungs and salt water works faster 
or something like that.....

Anyway I was going to divorce him.  He didn't want kids.  He had 
no ambition etc.  Anyway on Sept. 26, 1977 and I do remember this 
day!!!!!  While I was sleeping he had sex with me without using 
anything.  (this man is a biologist remember?) and anyway....he 
told me I couldn't get pregnant.  I just remember waking up and 
douching....it didn't work I got pregnant.  I was scared so I 
stayed with him.  We finally bought a house.....we fought like 
cats and dogs....in fact I was four months pregnant when we were 
having an argument and he threw a bucket of water of my head in 
the middle of winter.   Needless to say after the baby was born 
things weren't any better.  He barely visited us in the hospital 
and he didn't even take us home.  My sister did.  I was there for 
five days and asked him to get a crib.....he was teaching only in 
the mornings now and was out by twelve....he didn't come home 
until around 4:00 in the afternoon without a crib.  

My life went on like this until I my son was about 2 1/2 and I 
decided to work full-time here at DEC.  It was so great to get 
out in the world.  I couldn't believe how much I was appreciated 
as a worker...it was exhausting but rewarding.  I learned so 
much.  It was ironic though that I got to work for a computer 
company as a secretary and my husband was going to school nights 
for a computer degree so he could get out of teaching.  Believe 
it or not he was jealous of me by working here.  So he made life 
at home worse.  I finally had had enough and wanted a divorce and 
he refused.  Told me we couldn't afford it.  I believed him he 
had all the finances under control.  Anyway....I started having 
an affair with someone I knew before him.  He had just gone 
through a divorce and it was so nice to have a "normal" 
conversation.  I finally told my husband about it feeling that he 
would divorce me in a second.  No way...he didn't...he pretended 
like it didn't even happen.  I asked for a divorce again but was 
told "no"...I didn't know I could go out and get one.  But when I 
heard how expensive it was and I didn't have any money - I assume 
I was stuck....but the arguments got worse and he was now 
starting to physically abuse me.  He would hold my wrists in 
arguments and pin me against walls.  He even raped me.  I was 
scared.  I didn't know what to do.  I told him to leave.  He told 
me that if we got divorced he would get custody and have people 
tell them what an unfit mother I was and that having an affair is 
illegal and that I could lose everything.  

Then he talked about moving to Florida with my son.  I guess I 
got a bad lawyer.  He wanted to screw my husband for all kinds of 
money and I didn't want him to because I was afraid that he 
would kidnap my son or hurt me.  So I signed a stipulation which 
I thought was joint custody and turned out to be physical 
custody.  I also had to pay $10.00 a week child support because 
my husband said that if I didn't put that down that we wouldn't 
get divorced and my lawyer agreed with him.  He told me that I 
didn't have to pay even tho it was on paper.  Because we had a 
verbal agreement.

Anyway, thinking the nightmare was over because I was finally 
divorced from him, it got worse.  He sexually harassed me, he 
wouldn't tell me about my son's health or well-being.  I had 
teachers call me up telling me my son got hurt at 8:30 at night.  
Then visitations changed....I could only see him every other 
weekend and no more weeknights....I was a basket case and so 
was my son.  My ex was busy trying to find a new wife which he 
did.  Things got still worse.  He changed the locks on the 
house (he told me I could have keys for emergencies) still made 
sexual comments to me even tho he was getting married....and even 
had a yard sale to sell my things.....

Now the best it yet to come!  Now, I just received word that 
since I want increased visitations, I have to pay increased child 
support and back child support (just because he said I didn't 
have to pay means nothing to the law).....which is more than I 
even earn.  Women don't even have the ERA and I have to pay 
$200.00 a month child support to help support a man who owns a 
house and his wife doesn't work and he doesn't have to work 
summers and I can't barely afford to pay rent and buy food.  I'm 
just making ends meet....why do I have to pay for him when he is 
financially well off?  I just can't believe it.  If I don't pay 
I'll have to go to jail......I've already been victimized and now 
I have to pay him for it....is this justice?  Does anyone know 
any woman's groups that can help me out?  Any suggestions are 
VERY welcomed.

Thank you for listening..

Anon.....

    
    
    To address just one of the many issues that your note
    has raised:  child support is NOT income for your ex-husband.
    His income, his wife's income, their style of living, all have
    no bearing on the issue.  Child support is simply each parent
    supporting the child they creating, jointly.  If he has physical
    custody, than he is supporting the child by providing a place to
    live, health care, food, clothing, etc.  The portion of child 
    support that YOU are paying is (supposedly) your fair share to-
    wards the cost of raising a child that you and your husband are
    both jointly responsible for.
    
    You need an attorney, to explain each of the legal issues (ie, 
    definitions), to explain your rights as a parent, and to explain
    what recourse you have on these issues.
    
                          Deborah
    
    

    There are organizations formed to assist women in your situation.
     The one that comes to mind is the Domestic Violence Prevention
    Center.    
    
    They have connections to lawyers who specialize in divorces for
    battered women (physically and emotionally); therapists specializing
    in the same; group sessions with women who have experienced similar
    relationships; a 'safehouse'; a victim's advocacy department.....
    
    All of these services are offered at minimal/no cost to the woman.
    Even though so much of your situation is 'past', it is worth looking
    into - they can guide you toward options that you/others may not
    have thought of yet.  Get their help!  That's what they are there
    for and they have access to *so* much more information regarding
    the situations you describe.  Use them as a resource and a support.
                                                       
    

I feel for you...  I went through some similiar problems with divorce and
child custody except, Thank God, for most of the physical abuse.

Unfortunately, the Family and probate court has little use for the concepts
of fairness or justice.

I am in much the same situation as you financially.  MA law requires that you
pay ~1/3 of your gross pay (that means about 1/2 your take home pay) in child
support no matter what your financial situation, unless the custodial parent
chooses to argee to less; which they have no incentive to.  I believe that
$200 a month is still way below that amount for you.

According to the court, any arrangement or agreement for child support or
visitation may be changed at any time.  That means that even though the
custodial parent argees to less child support now, they may without any reason
have the child support increased to the standard.  Visitation can likewise be
changed, but at least some trivial reason is needed. 

Now... as to what you can do...

First off, you must take control of *your* life.
You must stop allowing this man to continue abusing you.  
Cut off all contact with him, except when you when you visit your child.
When you do visit your child, take a friend with you so that you have a witness
to his and your actions.  
It is quite likely that he will refuse to allow you to see your child.  
Simply make a note of this; it can be used against him. 

Take control of your life.  This may seem obvious, but you are used to having
your life controlled by another person.  This makes it very easy for you to
allow other people to control you and take advantage of you.  Your Lawyer is a
good case in point.  I am used to controlling my own life, and I would never
have let your lawyer, or the father get away with such !@#$.  Not that it is
your fault, but it is going to require *you* to stop it. 

Second, assuming the situation is as you say, it seems that you would be a
better parent for your child then the father.  Towards this end...

I suggest that you talk to EAP, and have them refer you to a lawyer.  Explain
what has happened between you and the father, and between you and the lawyer.
You should be able to sue/file a complaint against both the father for the
abuse, and the lawyer because your lawyer is supposed to be looking out for your
own interest; and it is obvious that he did the exact opposite.  Whether you
will succeed depends largely on what kind of evidence is available to you. 

Once you have established how the current situation has come about, you may be
able to get full custody of your child on the fact that the father would not be
a fit parent, based on his abuse of you.  It is important to know that what you
say, and what the father says means little; you need *evidence*.  When he says
he will state that you are an unfit mother, it means nothing; only your fear of
him doing that makes that threat powerfull.

So, basically, you need to file a complaint of abuse against the father, and
prove it, and you should file a complaint against the lawyer stating that he
abused his role in supposedly protecting your interests.  This is necessary to
show how, dispite the father's abuse, how the father recieved custody of the
child.  Then you may be able to gain custody of the child. 

As the custodial parent of a child, you will recieve child support from the
father; although I would encourage you to do without it; save it for the child
at some future point in his life if possible.  You would find being a custodial
parent an exhausting life, but hopefully a better one for you and your child
then the present one.

It may be that the father, once he does not have any control over you, and only
some say in his child life instead of carte blanche, may disappear. If so, let
him; you will do better without him.  Please leave open the possibility that
some time in the future he might turn over a new leaf and want to persue a
relationship with his child.

Your situation, is not uncommon amoung divorced fathers.  You are actually in a
better position then most divorced fathers, in that you may be able to prove the
abuse, and because you are the mother, you will have a *lot* better chance at
getting custody.  

Many divorced fathers have no such hope but to be burdened with heavy child
support payments, little visitation, and verbal abuse from the mother when they
try to involve themselves in their children's lives.  A noncustodial father has
virtually no rights to their children, and no hope of getting anyone to listen
to them. 

Assuming that you do get custody of your child, please allow the father to take
such role of a father as he is able, without endangering your child. This is for
your *child's* own good, not for the father's good. 

Well... I hope that this is helpfull.  Please feel free to send mail if you
feel that you can.  Thank you for listening...

Jim Baranski