Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    
    What's going to happen in the next few months?  You are going to
    enter the adult world and be a responsible person!  And your first
    responsibility, my dear, is to YOURSELF!  You are quite incorrect
    when you say that your family and your SO are the only ones you
    have.  You have, first and above all, yourself.  And if you are
    mature enough to consider marriage, you are certainly mature enough
    to be responsible for your own choices and for your own life.
    
    No one can "make" you feel guilty.  If you "ruin your life", then
    YOU will be the one responsible, and it will be up to you to pay
    the price.  Make your mom and dad sick?  That's THEIR choice.  If
    they choose to let your actions make them sick, they will have to
    deal with the consequences.
    
    If you truely love this man, and feel you will be happy with him,
    than do what you feel is best for you.  Listen to that little voice
    inside yourself.  Trust yourself.  
    
    

RE: .0
    
    This happens to alot of people...really sucks...
    
    Thinking about it...
    
    Your parents have two choices...take an honest look at your SO,
    or lose their daughter forever...I know someone else who had that
    problem.  The father came around, eventually.
    
    Fear of losing one's parents is always strong in situations like
    this, but ask yourself some questions:
    
       Did your parents do a good job in bring you up? Did they give
       you a good moral and academic education?  Are they confident
       enough that you have enough intelligence to make a good decision?
       They will have to trust you eventually.  Now is the time to find
       out.
    
    I've faced your situation many times, and I've always decided to
    go where my heart takes me.  It's my life, and no one is going to
    tell me how to run it.  I don't ever want to think, in the future,
    about what might have been if I had decided to do things differently.
    
    
    					The Mad Chinaman

    
    re: .1
    
    		I wholeheartedly agree....
    
    	In my opinion, if you can really say that you love this man,
    if you are sure that he does not represent a reaction against your
    parents who, in your own opinion have had dominant effect on you
    life so far, if you are sure that he loves you a strongly as you
    love him and he can take the pressures caused by the situation 
    then you really only have one way to go.
    
    	I have been disowned by my father so many times I've lost count
    - he intensely disliked my rebeliious phase, hated my motorbike, was 
    driven crazy by my long hair etc, etc Despite many arguments and
    one exchange of punches (a long time ago - I lost:-)) - we are great
    friends and have a good deal of respect and love for each other.
    
    	Go your own way - as long as you are REALLY sure.
    
    be lucky,
    
    Steve

    Do what you feel is right. If you love this person, then marry.
    That's the only decision you need to make. If your parents
    don't like it, that's not your decision to make, it's theirs.
    Whatever they decide, IT'S NOT *YOUR* FAULT, it's not your
    doing; it's all theirs and theirs alone.
    
    A couple that I knew split up on *very* bad terms. I was friends
    with both people, and had been even before they got together in
    the first place. The split was so bad that one of the two wasn't
    happy that I was still friends with the other. What I said to that
    person was:
    
    "It hurts me that you two have split, but that's your choice and
    I have nothing to do with it. I love both you and X as friends
    equally, and I refuse to be put in a position where I have to
    choose one or the other of you. If you insist upon forcing that
    choice upon me, you won't win, because I cannot call someone a
    friend who would put constraints on whom I may or may not associate
    with."
    
    Your parents may or may not like your SO; that's their business.
    But, if they go so far as to "disown" you because you marry someone
    they don't like, then I would say that they neither respect you
    nor love you. If that's the case, then you should stick with the
    person who *does* love and respect you.
    
    --- jerry

    Do what even the Mexicans do: Say he is of Spanish heritage!
    
    We have visions of great Castilian villas and are more acceptable
    to European culture than to Mexican peasants and migrant workers.
    What you are experiencing is different than racism or prejudice.
    This country models Mexicans, Mexican/Americans and Chicanos for
    us with little reality and a lot of single sided issues.
    
    Your parents will identify with him as a Spanish descent but will
    reject him as a Mexican.  This can go on for sometime until they
    get to know him and like him (as he must be a good person for you
    to care so much, this must be an attribute that they will notice).
    And then being Mexican will not be a blow, only an incidental.
    
    Trying to change parental views can be next to impossible.  Maybe
    some salesmanship can benefit all!
    
    GRG

    There seems to be a concensus here - follow what you feel to be
    right.  If you love your SO, by all means marry him.
    
    Your parents may disown you.  Let them.  I have seen numerous parents
    disown their children only to re-own them in a year or two.  If they
    don't what have you really lost?  Parents who love you as long as you
    live up to their idea of "perfect little girl."  As Deb said, no one
    can "make you feel guilty", unless you choose to be made guilty.
    In fact, over the long run, they may love and respect you more for
    this - it will show that you are your own person, not an extention
    of them.
    
    FWIW, your family and your SO are not all you have.  You have yourself.
    You have other friends.  You have the ability to make new friends.
    Assuming things work out with the SO, you said that his family accepts
    you.  At worst, you can "adopt" his family as yours - thus still
    have a family to do all of the family-things with (Christmas dinner,
    a grandma for any future children, etc.)
                                                                   

    If things get too hairy, and you start getting confused, old ties
    fighting new ties, guilt and worry and sorrow....get some counseling.
    Perhaps before you break the news you can talk to a counselor who
    may be able to help you phrase the news positively, and may help
    in a supporting way for you to see/prepare for the outcome, whether
    it be positive or negative.  
    
    Be calm...follow your heart...
    
    However, like my parents did at one point, they may (if it ever
    ends, and I am never one to prophesy doom in any way shape or form,
    because Love always finds a way...) say someday "we told you sooooo..."
    
    Hope for the best, prepare for the worst...and many of us are behind
    you....
    
    -Jody
    

    Ditto on all the replies.
    
    To add some conviction, I can not say LOUDLY enough some of what
    has been said.
    
    - *You* can not make your parents 'sick', only they
      	can *choose* to be sick, and ONLY as a ploy to get you to change
      	to their way of thinking.
    
    - *They* can not change your way of thinking.  You may choose to
    	change the way you ACT, but you have no control over the way
    	you FEEL.
    
    - *They* can not make you feel guilty.  You can *choose* to feel
    	guilty as a result of your parents ploys.
    
    - If the worse happens, not only would you be 'losing' your
    	parents, but your parents would be losing a daughter and
    	a son-in-law and an entire family and and entire culture, and...
    
    Hope this helps - Please let us know how you are doing!
    
    jim
    
      
        

    
    So this is where the friendly noters are........
    
    I can only endorse the sentiments expressed here.
    
    Good luck!
    
    					Hank

    Reminds me of many years ago when I told my parents I was getting
    married.  My Dad gave me such grief - wouldn't talk to me, be in the
    same room, etc.  He did not dislike my husband-to-be, we had been going
    together for over three years.  I think he was afraid he would lose his
    "little girl" 
    
    His one comment was:  Sweetheart, the door only swings one way and
    			  don't let it hit you in the a__ on the way out.

    
    Well, I did get married, he came around and even when I ended up
    getting divorced eleven years later he never threw it in my face
    that he "told me so".  My Dad was rather upset we were splitting
    up because he came to like my husband alot.
    
    When I told my parents (in Buffalo, N.Y.) that I was splitting
    with my husband (while living in Acton, Ma), he said he was going
    to get rid of his upstairs tenant and I could move in free of charge.
    I really appreciated his offer but I declined.  I always got along
    with my parents and I'm sure (for the most part) it would have worked
    out fine living upstairs but I really didn't want to leave NEW ENGLAND.
    I always teased him about his comment about the "Door....".

    As mentioned in the previous notes, DO NOT let your parents dominate
    you.   Only you can live with yourself and your decisions.
    
    Had a really good friend who's parents controlled her to the point she
    was engaged twice (and her brother once) but the parents didn't
    "approve" of the choices.  Her parents died approx. 3 years ago and
    both she and her brother have no one.  She has so much anger towards
    her parents because NOW she realizes that she let them walk all
    over her and what does she have to show for it!
    
    Good Luck.  May your decision be the right one FOR YOU.....    

    re: .0, .9
    
    	Please remember that this is *your* life.  Your parents don't
    	*own* you.  If it was meant to be that you did everything they 
    	wanted, then why would the umbilical cord be cut at birth???  
    	Because you are an independent soul who has a right to make 
    	your own decisions.  You are an INDIVIDUAL.  You have a right
    	to live where YOU want to, marry who you want to, get the job
    	you want to, and furnish your house the way you want to.
    
    	Similarly, I cannot understand what .9 said about how his (her? 
    	sorry, can't remember) parents made his "life a living hell" 
    	and then felt guilty for hurting THEM????  What about what THEY
    	did to YOU???  They are not allowing you to be *you*!
    
    	Your parents are choosing to emotionally torture you because
    	you are not doing what they have decided you should do.  You
    	can either live your life as *your* life, or you can live your
    	life as puppets of your parents.
    
    	I hope both of you can find your way to happiness with both
    	your SO and your parents.  But please don't compromise your 
    	own life's path by letting someone else choose which way you
    	should go.
    
    				Good luck to you,  Carla
    

    Just a quick note, my girlfriend and I sat down this weekend and
    talked out alot of what was said here as far as opinions and much
    needed advice. A bunch of decisions were made and she is sticking
    by them.
    
    Firstly:
    
    She is moving out into an apartment on February 1st. She has been
    fortunate enough to find a really nice place.
                                                 
    Secondly:
    
    Her and her s.o. had a very long talk about futures etc and they
    have decided that they can make it because of their own network
    of friends and people they know.
    
    Thirdly:
    
    She is very grateful for the support you guys have given her.  Tonight
    we are getting together and she is going to read all of your replies.
    
    On a personal note, thanks guys! I knew that if this was presented
    here the support and understanding she needed would be found.  This
    is probably one of the most difficult decisions in her life and
    she has made it and is going to stick with it.  You guys are great!
    (sniff.... :-) )
    
                             Debbi     
                                                 

    	Just saw the previews of "For Keeps", a new movie.  One of
    	the lines immediately reminded me of this topic.  The girl
    	and boy are telling his parents she is pregnant and want to
    	get married, and while they're trying to express their love
    	and feelings for each other the father yells out:
    
    	"Shut up and listen, we're trying to decide your future for
    	you!!!"
    
    						Carla
    

    .1 said it best.  I would like to suggest reading "The Road Less
    Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D.  It offers many insights.
    
    Marty

    She is going to pick up the book and definately have both her and
    her s.o. read it.  She has made a major decision on HOW to tell
    them as well with avoiding as much of the yelling screaming and
    mudlsinging which she is really afraid of.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    
    My idea basically comes from a friend who suggested it first.  I
    am afraid that when I do tell them they will start to yell and things
    will be said that aren't meant thus deepening whatever hurt there
    may already be.
    
    I am going to write them a letter explaining my actions and why
    I am doing this.  Also I am going to take a couple of points that
    I know they will try to use and make counterpoints arguing them
    as well as I can.  At the end of the letter will be an invitation
    to have dinner at my house with the four of us.  At that time they
    can make the decision to respect me for the decision I made and
    at least give my s.o. a chance or they can end it all right there.
    That way they can use their own rationale and it gives them the
    decision they have to make.
    
    Sure I am nervous but I am not scared.  If i send them the letter
    with all of my arguements why they should not abandon me then when
    it comes time I can use those points and try to keep it from becoming
    a mudslinging event.  I love them and they can only be hurt if they
    want to be.  I also love my s.o.  They have to understand I guess
    that I am a big girl now making my life exactly that my life.
                                    
    I will let you all know how it goes.  I am moving on February 1st
    and we will probably have them down towards the end of the month
    beginning of March that way they can adjust to the shock of my not
    living at home and then have to adjust to my decision.