| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 441.1 | More! | PSYCHE::WILSON | Degas | Mon Dec 14 1987 15:42 | 15 |
| Two things...
That last question. Maybe I should just be satisfied with her being
with me. Maybe I'm wrong, and totally out of line, for expecting
another person to be something I want them to be, and not loving
them for what they are.
An aside...I originally was going to call this topic ``The Meaning
of Love.'' (From _Depeche Mode_'s *Broken Frame* record.) Just to
keep the record straight...
WW
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| 441.2 | Be the right person. | FLOWER::JASNIEWSKI | | Tue Dec 15 1987 13:46 | 19 |
|
Try to change your "expectation" of how this person you feel so
strongly for should behave or act. Surely, you can see no reason
why this person does not reflect your outpouring of feelings, right?
But despite all that, try to look at it in terms of a "preference"
as in "Well, I'd prefer that she'd show me the same, but, hey, what's
the worst that could happen to me if she doesnt?" In this way, you
save yourself a lot of emotional energy should things happen to
"not" go your way, which then can be applied to other areas of your
life.
I imagine you are quite excited in the sense of "I've found
the right person" to love. It's really more of a matter of being
the "right person" for someone else. By following the suggestion
I happened to pose above, you'll actually be progressing toward
becoming that "right person". For someone.
Joe Jas
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| 441.3 | A little story...somewhat sad. | PSYCHE::WILSON | Degas | Wed Dec 16 1987 11:32 | 18 |
| RE: .2 Well stated...but I don't think it's all my problem.
There are some people who act so cool; they don't think it's
important to call, or send a thoughtful note, or make a compliment,
or make the other person feel special.
In short, they have a grand old time having all this attention lavished
on them, without giving any in return, and one day when the person
who was so attentive is gone, they feel ``sorry.''
Just a few days ago I got a Xmas card from such a person (a real
``bolt from the blue'').
It seems, sadly, that she ended up just where she was when I met
her.
Alone.
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| 441.4 | In the long run... | FLOWER::JASNIEWSKI | | Wed Dec 16 1987 16:15 | 9 |
|
re -1,
Yeah, those who act "so cool" usually end up having to make
*true* use of their supposed self-assurance. Fact is, what you give
out, you get back - in the long run.
Joe Jas
|
| 441.5 | Been on receiving end... | DISSRV::KOSKI | It's in the way that you use it... | Fri Dec 18 1987 13:47 | 12 |
| Having been on the receiving end of a relationship like yours, I
can tell you how I felt. Although I was flattered by the attention
of someone, I was also turned off by this persons willingness to
do anything to win my love. He was unable to understand that there
was no "list" of things he could do to make me love him as much
as he loved me. It is an empty feeling when you realize that
no matter how hard you try you can't make some one care for you
in the same way that you care for them. I'm sorry to sound negative
but that's just the reality I've been through.
Gail
|
| 441.6 | My thoughts | AWARD2::HARMON | | Fri Dec 18 1987 15:33 | 12 |
| In a relationship, I think one person always cares a bit more than
the other. I've been on both sides. I agree with Gail that there
is no "list" that can make a person love you more or you love a
person more. You can try so hard that it ruins whatever feeling
there was at the beginning or realize that no matter what you do
it's not going to work, and part friends.....which isn't a bad thing.
I once read and have always remembered..."I love him/her enough
to let them go".
Pat.
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| 441.7 | Another point of view | RETORT::RON | | Fri Dec 18 1987 17:53 | 16 |
|
I will probably get beat-up-on for this, but the fact is that
playing cool --even when feeling very insecure and vulnerable-- is
very often the right beginning for a relationship.
People who act like door mats often get trodden on. And, that which
comes cheaply is often underrated. And, playing cool with another
person may not be very loving, but can often lead to lovemaking.
Of course, it's not easy to do. One tends to overdo it, in which
case it just turns the other person off. Even so, totally open and
honest behaviour can often be counter productive to a starting
relationship.
'Nuff said.
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| 441.9 | It's so true.... | AXEL::FOLEY | Rebel without a Shrew | Sat Dec 19 1987 12:50 | 11 |
| RE: .6
You can make money, you can make good friends
You make mistakes and you can make amends
You can make it easy when push comes to shove, but -
You can't make love
The first part of "You can't make love" from Don Henley's
"Building the perfect beast"
mike
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| 441.10 | I *am* sorry | FSLENG::HEFFERN | | Tue Dec 22 1987 04:30 | 23 |
| I had been seeing a man who fell in love with me. He was so intense
and wanted so much to please me. I really tried to stay in the
relationship hoping something would evolve. I felt that perhaps
no one would feel that way about me again, and I shouldn't be too
hasty to leave. But it just wasn't there for me, and his disappoint-
ment was getting more and more apparent.
When I tried to break it off, all he wanted to do was try again,
and again. He'd change anything for me, do anything I wanted,
please give him a second (third, fourth...)chance. All his frustration
finally erupted in violence, afterwhich he could never face me or
speak to me again out of shame.
I suppose somehow I encouraged, and maybe brought about the final
blow. I had never told him I loved him, and ached when he would
say it to me, and I couldn't reply. I don't know how I could have
prevented the end being so painful. I'm much more cautious about
other men's feelings now, and perhaps I too can be "cool", but I'll
never stick around because I think I may be "missing" something
again!
cj
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| 441.11 | Hmm is COMMITMENT involved ?? | BETA::EARLY | Bob_the_Hiker | Wed Dec 23 1987 15:06 | 29 |
| re: .0
Degrees of 'Love' ? Ok, its a fact of living. There are degrees
of love. Given that one can have more fears about the relationship
than the other one does.
Hmm test question: "Is your love strong enough so that your fears
about the difference in degrees doesn't matter ?".
Consider Sister Theresa. her love for people was so strong that
time and time again she subjected herself to great personal risks
... yet ... she continued. True, its an extreme example, but it
is also called "Love".
Of course the test question is loaded ! I have the reverse 'problem',
except that its not a problem. I know "perforce" that my wife loves
me much more than I love her; and she is somewhat worried about
what the future holds for us, and is concerned about 'other
temptations' I might be subject to.
The minimum ... I think .. of any 'romantic' relationship, is that
"Are the people involved COMMITTED to making it work ?".
If the answer is yes, whats the problem ? If the answer is no, then
why continue ?
just my opinion while passing through .
Bob+3
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| 441.13 | | PSYCHE::WILSON | Degas | Mon Dec 28 1987 18:21 | 43 |
| RE: .10
That's an interesting situation.
He probably would have had more success with you if he hadn't tried
so hard. It's inevitable, as someone pointed out, that one person
feels stronger than the other. But if they can both just _hang on
and wait a bit_, it may even out.
People get scared away by enthusiasm early on in a relationship.
It's like Nietzsche said: ``The most dangerous member of the party
is the person who, in his zealous enthusiasm, leads the others to
apostasy.'' In other words, if you love a woman, tell her you'd
like to have coffee with her at Joe's place instead of Veal Oscar
at Zachary's. You'll have a better time.
Some people go from person to person with an ``all or nothing''
attitude (S(he's) gonna either love me infinitely, or I dump him
(her).''
The great thing about falling in love is when there's a _basis_
for doing so, when you _gradually_ get to know a person, taking
the time to decide if you really do _love_ the person two months
later, maybe two years later...
Somehow it's occuring to me that the person who has to constantly
demonstrate their love is probably fighting a losing battle. There's
not much there.
Regarding my situation in the base note, we have talked. We're not
at the same level. She needs time, if something is to happen at all.
Who knows? But I'm not an ``all or nothing'' thinker. She's still
a good person. She doesn't have to love me for us to have a good
time together. We're not committed to each other...
It's adjusting, readjusting. It's worth it!
WW
The person who really wants to be with you doesn't want favors,
flowers, etc., they want you.
|
| 441.14 | Love conquers | WLDWST::WASH | Enjoying the experience | Tue Jan 05 1988 11:45 | 32 |
| Love is never a problem.
Lack of love is.
Too often, people confuse lust with love - or matters relatively
carnal with it.
In a relationship, the best basis for love is Friendship. Friendship
is a result of time and the benefits that issue forth as two people
grow to know each other. If the relationship slips into a carnal
one, the necessity to know one another (differences et al and
similarities) is replaced by the illusion that the "intimacy" they
share equals such knowledge. It is a commonplace problem in
relationships. So a tyme arrives when the couple discover they are
not as close as they once perceived - or one party is consummed
by the involvement while the other is looking for something to relate
to.
Love is an all-encompassing existence. It isn't defined by conditions
or social parameters. It isn't dependent on reactions or interpersonal
relationships. It is a state of being that transcends all those
considerations. The degree to which your love is manifested in your
life depends on how much love there is within you. When the negative
aspects of your psyche materialize, it only reflects that you are
human. But it is for our individual and collective benefit that
we strive to be as loving as we can - to achieve, if you will, the
Christ-like persona that is our ideal. We all fall short, but if
we sincerely venture to progress up this path we attain a loving
nature ...... and by doing so we glimpse the knowldege of what it
is to know love.
If we then apply what we have learned to a relationship, there is
a fair chance that love will prevail in it.
Marvin
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