Conference quark::human_relations-v1

403.0. "Parenting After Divorce" by ATPS::GREENHALGE () Thu Sep 24 1987 12:32

    With all the discussions surrounding child custody issues, I'd like
    to offer this article, printed in last night's Lowell Sun.  The
    authors of this article are social workers at The SomersTrust
    Psychological Associates in North Andover.:
    
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                  Ways for Dad to Relate to Kids
    
     Dad complains: "Hey, just because I'm divorced doesn't mean I'm giving
up my child."
     "I'm working hard to stay connected with her."
     "I've been to school meetings, I've worked in the PTA, I've partici-
pated whenever I could in whatever activities she's in.  I want her to know
I support her in any way I can."
     "Furthermore, I love doing it. I adore my daughter Gloria."
     So what's the problem?  Gloria's mother has remarried, has moved to a
new town nearby and now her step-father has joined with mom in going to PTA
meetings and replacing her dad, who is really upset.
     He feels ousted from his rights as his child's father.
     Is there anything this parent can do?  As the father of Gloria, he is
entitled to full school reports of any kind.  He is also entitled to 
receive a copy of her report card.
     Sure he must notify the school.  He is, of course, entitled to attend
any school meeting he wants.  But is that the only way he can impress 
Gloria with how much he cares about her?

     It is also important to let a child feel that she isn't being torn to
pieces by her parents.  It is also important for Gloria to know that if 
there is a PTA function she doesn't have to count how many times she 
smiles at Mom and how many times she smiles at Dad so that there won't be
hard feelings.
     A happy child is a child who knows that adults can be just that - adults.
     Now it is human and understandable for father to feel miffed or angry
about feeling replaced, but there's no reason why he can't find new ways 
to involve Gloria in his life.
     When he has his time with her he can share her life by checking on her
interests.  It may be that bike riding is her passion and she'd love to
share that with Dad.
     It may be that he can share his stamp collection with her and they can
become collectors together.  It may be she'd enjoy learning how to ski with
dad as her teacher.
     There are many ways to relate to a child.  All is not lost if one path
has a stumbling block.

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    I know some of you are having a difficult time dealing with this kind
    of issue.  Would you like to comment?
    
    The social workers who wrote this article will accept questions
    by mail if you wish to write.  The address is: Somers c/o the Lowell
    Sun, Box 1477, Lowell, MA 01850
    
    - Beckie
    
    
    
      
    

    The adults involved must agree to co-operate.  I'm sure
    this is extremely difficult if past hurts have not been
    resolved.  But what happened between husband and wife
    must be viewed separately from what is happening between
    mom and dad.
    
    My present husband is committed to not interfering with
    my 7 year old's relationship with his natural father.  
    Jamey's dad will always be his father, and I will always
    be his mother.  Chuck represents himself as Jamey's 'buddy'.
    
    It helps that we all live in the same town and all spend
    roughly an equal amount of time with the little guy.
    
    Anecdote:
    
    Jamey's father, my present husband, and I all arrived at Jamey's
    classroom open house.  Jamey proceeded to introduce us to his
    teacher as "my mom, my dad and my mom and dad's friend"...my
    exhusband hurridly pointed out that the friend in question was
    also my husband!
    
    The love that Jamey feels for Chuck in no way diminishes the love
    he feels for his father.  
    
     

    
    children have 1 dad and 1 mom.
    if these people seperate, hopefully without anger and hostility,
    and then find themselves in relationships with other people, the
    child chould not be confused by being told that she/he has a
    *new* dad or mom.
    	a new friend...yes
    	a new adult in her/his life who is having a relationship
    with her/his parent...yes...
    	but not a *new* dad or mom.
    	what happens if/when this second relationship ends?
    	and what if a third relationship starts?
    
    	is this a *new-new* dad or mom?
    *remember, relationships are fleeting and it's ok to move on
    to new ones*
    
    	and so few people can ever really love a child the way
    the natural parents can/will...
    	it's just too much pressure and too unreal.
    	everyone will be happier with reality/truth.
    	my s.o. and decided at the start to not play that game..
    	and now she get's along ok with my kids and i get along
    very well with hers.