Conference quark::human_relations-v1

RE: .0

I would not want to cause a new child to be born with the 'handicap' of only
having one parent.  I would prefer to give of myself to other children who
are already in need...

Maybe wanting a baby when you're not married is like wanting a house when you're
broke...  you might be able to get it, but can you afford to keep it the way
that it should?

I don't think it's a product of the kind of conditioning you mention...

Many women deeply desire children, but so do men, especially sons...

Jim. 

    Sounds to me like this woman will end up married for the
    wrong reason. Or broke. Children can be an exciting and
    challenging and loving addition to a happy couple, if they
    are secure in their relationship. I don't think they are
    THE reason to get married. This puts too much pressure on
    the children, too many expectations. As for a single woman
    trying to raise a child, Good Luck. Work 60 hours a week,
    leave the kid with sitters or burden your parents, never
    get caught up. I know, I've got a single sister with a 6
    year old.

    re: .2 --
    
    It's not easy raising a child by yourself, without the help of a
    partner, but it can be done, and the rewards are high.  
    
    It helps greatly if you are a professional woman who has medical
    benefits, a good salary, and a flexible job.  It's a lot harder
    if you have to type letters for a living.
    
    You should know what you're getting into, but you shouldn't let
    that stop you from having a child if that's what you really want.
    
    Besides, being married doesn't guarantee that you won't have to raise
    one or more children on your own.  Refer to the notes on divorce and
    child custody....
    
    --bonnie 

I think that your friend would benefit from some professional counseling.
She could just want to have a child; nothing unhealthy or unusual about that.
She could be dissatisfied with her own life, and want a child through which
she can "experience" what is lacking in her own life (or was lacking in her
own childhood).  That's neurotic, and both she and her child will pay a very
heavy price for that.  Or there could be a lot of other things going on.

32 does not mean that time is running out.  I know of several women who 
have, without difficulty, had children, in some cases their first, after 
they were 40.  My wife was 32 and 35 when our two children were born, and
she had no difficulty either getting pregnant or delivering.  It's true that 
it may be more difficult to get pregnant, and the risk of genetic disorders 
is higher, but it's still very possible, particularly with modern fertility 
techniques.

And finally, people aren't cows.  By that I mean that artificial insemination 
is not just another medical procedure.  It carries a lot of emotional baggage
with it.  She should be prepared for that.

Clay 

re: .5
i'm not sure i understand what you're talking about...but my Ma got
married to my Dad when she was 40, had my brother when she was 42
and me when she was 44...

is it rational for women nowadays to get so bent out of shape about
being married and/or having kids by their early 30s?  not as far as
i can see!

Thanks for the clarification in .5.  Not being female, I can't answer the 
question as it is asked.  But I think that it is the wrong question, anyway.

You say your friend is concerned if her behavior is "normal".  However, 
even if her behavior is not "normal" it doesn't mean that she has some sort
of emotional problem.  And if her behavior IS "normal", it doesn't mean that 
she does not have some sort of emotional problem.

There is a POSSIBLE INTERPRETATION of what she is doing that, I think, should 
be looked into.  That interpretation is that there is something lacking in her 
life, or there was something lacking in her childhood, that she thinks she can 
"experience" through a child in a surrogate way.  That would lay a very heavy 
emotional burden on her child.

I think that her concerns are better addressed by a professional counselor 
rather than a random sampling of noters.

Clay 

    
    
    re .7 
    
    I don't know what doctors you're talking about but I've had four
    diffent physicians in four different cities assure me that at age
    33 I have *at least* five years left in which to successfully
    bear my first child without fear of age-related complications.
    
    Keeping in top physical condition is the key - not age.
    
    

    Actually, keeping yourself in good shape, physically, is
    important (obviously), but age IS a factor in childbearing.
    
    Each female is born with all of the eggs that she will ever
    produce.  Eggs are not generated over the years, but rather
    mature.  Therefore, as time goes on, these eggs become 'older'
    and more susceptible to problems and/or defects.
                                                         
    

    There was a study released recently (I think it was one of the less
    publicized papers at the recent AMA conference, but I wouldn't want to
    swear to that) that reported on a detailed evaluation of a fairly wide
    segment of American women who had their first child at various ages
    from teenage to middle age.  I only heard a summary on the radio, and
    sometimes radio announcers completely misread things, so don't go out
    and get pregnant based on this! 
    
    The article was quoted as saying that with good medical care, the older
    mother faced only a very slightly greater risk from pregnancy than a
    first-time mother in her early twenties.  Her chance of having a normal
    healthy baby was also much better than previously believed. While
    incidence of Down's syndrome does go up slightly, it was by a slight
    margin, and it appeared that the older mother's willingness to take
    care of herself and follow doctor's directions more than compensated
    for some of the possible increased difficulties. 
    
    --bonnie

    Well, it's not exactly the same thing, but I remember that
    during our property-settlement discussions, my ex-wife expressed
    a strong desire to keep all the baby things (clothes, toys, etc)
    that Robbie had outgrown. The importance of this in her mind seemed
    (to me) to be out of proportion to the actual value of the items.
    
    I think that she really wants to re-marry and have more children,
    and in some way, collecting baby things makes that seem more
    likely in her mind. I don't see that as being abnormal. Actually,
    it's rather touching.
    
    	- Rich