Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I've always been attracted to those who were similar to me, never
    to an "opposite".  Similar does not mean identical, but in the best
    cases, I will have a good idea how my partner will react to something
    based on my own reactions, and won't constantly be having to ask
    (and be surprised) by her reactions.  It lets me get on with more
    important things.
    				Steve

    Hi,                           
    
    Opposites in interests
    
    If two people with opposite interests get together and make an effort
    to be interested, even marginally fo some of them, in each others
    interests, then the interest range of the couple increases (doubles if
    you are lucky). 
    
    Two persons with *exactly* the same interests don't increase their
    interest range by being together, so will almost always get bored with
    each other quite quickly. 
                          
    
    Opposites in Character
    
    Two people of excactly the same character will have a big problem if
    they are of the sort that has to right, they will argue and fall out.
    The same goes for two totally tolerent people will forever be
    appologising to each other! 

        
    A tolerent and a (fairly) intolerent person, about one specific
    aspect of life, can get on well and stick together because one makes
    allowances for the other, and vice versa in another aspect. 
    
    
    Thats my experience of 'opposites'
    
    Andy.

    Maybe similar in reactions (.-1) is different from similar in
    activities (.0)... I'd be a bit cautious about similarity ONLY in
    activities.
    
    A recent for-instance - I went out with someone who was into
    hill-walking (great, there aren't that many fit women about).   But, she
    had a tendency to wander long ways away.   That, I found distracting
    and annoying - the companionship, as well as the solitude, of walking
    in a couple or small group, wasn't there.   The relaxation of being out
    in the open air was replaced by the hassle/embarassment (where's X got
    to now?   Why?).    The conventional attitude around here is that
    people keep, roughly, together (at least in sight of each other), when
    walking - at least all my other walking companions have done this. 
    
    Now, the annoyance seemed worse, because we seemed to have a lot in
    common and WERE enjoying a lot of the same things when out together.
    I was also reminded of the annoyance of giving driving lessons to close
    members of the family - you know them, care for them, know you have
    related attitudes, can't see why they have to do something so dumb with
    the car, etc.    I found it much easier to tolerate non-relatives'
    learning errors in driving lessons.
    
    So, similar activities, different reactions, strikes me as a recipe
    for extra irritation.   On the other hand, as Steve says, knowing
    and trusting another's reactions, even if they're not likely to
    be identical to yours, lets you get on with more important things. 
    Maybe that's consistency rather than similarity.

    An interesting point.
    
    I've never had a romantic relationship with anyone who was too much
    of an opposite to me.  i'm sort of shy, and am only likely to meet
    someone while pursuing one of my interests, where I don't have time
    to get nervous about it.
    
    However, many of my friends are very, very different from myself,
    and they are very close to me.  It seems that very diverse people
    will come together because they recognize something they admire
    or need in another person's makeup.
    
    For example, one of my closest friends could hardly be more unlike
    me in a lot of ways, physically and mentally.  Many people have
    remarked how well we complement each other.
    
    This suggests to me that the same sort of forces could be at work
    in romantic relationships as well.  It has not yet been my experience
    that that is so.
    
    DFW

    I believe that as long as the base line (def = moral values,
    spiritual beliefs and basic life goals) for two people is the same 
    then the rest can be variable.  
    
    Example: if my husband has been brought up to believe that education
    is unimportant and my belief is that it is an absolute necessity, 
    then is can cause discord in the relationship (especially when it 
    comes to future children) as one of the two people is always going to 
    feel frustrated. 
    
    On the other hand if I love Bluegrass music (which I do) and music
    makes little difference in his life (which it doesn't), the music is 
    something which I can follow on my own and not disrupt the harmony
    of our relationship.
    
    To me being with someone who was exactly the same as I was would be
    boring......We'd have nothing to argue about.
                                             

I think that someone opposite of me would drive me crazy...

On the other hand, I hear that what drives people the buggiest is their own
flaws in another person!

I like someone with similiar underpinning beliefs, but at least slightly
different.

Jim. 

    re: .5
    > I believe that as long as the base line (def = moral values,
    > spiritual beliefs and basic life goals) for two people is the
    > the same then the rest can be variable.
    
    So what happens if two people were brought up with different moral
    values?  Example: One person believed in casual sex and the other
    thought sex should only be shared between two people in a loving
    and caring relationship, not just to burn off some calories!  Could
    this be one of the causes of problems say later on in a marriage.
    Both people try to accomidate eachother, but eventually their different
    attitutes come out and problems arise?  How do you know what can
    be variable and what can't?
    
    So many questions, so little answers.
    
    Debbi

The things that make two people feel attracted may not be the
same as what makes two people want to stay together for long
periods.  So opposites may sometimes attract, but not hold.

I remember in Genetics class they talked about the "rare male
mating advantage" in fish: when a male came along that was
sufficiently different or bizarre looking by local standards,
all the female fish would try to pick him up.  According to
the professors, this was part of a strategy for introducing
new genes (with their presumed "heterozygote vigor") into the
local gene pool.  (And you wondered why your teen-age kids
seem to be trying to look weirder than every other kid on the
block...?)

From my limited reading of "experts", similarities do more to
keep a couple together over the long haul than differences.

    In regard to .7: 
    
    It helps if you identify the same issues in life, even if you have
    different opinions about them. In your example, if both people believed
    that sex was one of the most important aspects of life, they would
    have a much better chance than if the casual one, say, was so casual
    because s/he didn't care that much about sex and didn't see how
    anything so unimportant could hurt the other.  The couple who disagrees
    about when, where, and with whom has more ground for working out
    a compromise based on caring for each other's feelings.
    
In regard to .8:
    
    I think you've made a very good point here. Exciting differences
    can wear thin really fast; the virtues that make a relationship
    last are often much less stimulating in the short run.
    
    --bonnie

    re .6
    > I think that someone opposite of me would drive me crazy...
    
    That is the situation I am now and have been in for the past 4 years.
    (minus the one year I spent in N.Y.).
    
    Harold and I share a lot of the same interest (movies, music, camping,
    fishing etc.) but our ideas on a lot of things (politics, religion,
    discipline of children) differ like night and day.  I am an outspoken
    person, very argumentive, and alway let my feelings known.  Harold
    on the other hand holds all emotions in, does not, will not in any
    way take part in an argument, he'll just tune me out (which makes
    me more angry).  We are very aware of our differences and we always
    ask each other the same questions "Why are we still together" "Do
    you think love is worth it".  He really drives me crazy, I know
    I drive him crazy, but yet we both cannot just say "o.k. that's
    enough".
    
    Maybe it's love that keeps us together or maybe we're just both
    gluttons for punishment or maybe opposites can manage their differences
    if they really feel each other is worth it.
    
    P.S.  if it means anything, we still have not made that final step
           to the alter.
    
     
    CC
    

    re. .7 Yes, I believe exactly what you have said in your example.
    When any new relationship starts we are reluctant to show too much
    of ourselves.  After the dust settles, the bloom is off the rose so to 
    speak, and we are down to the day to day living, the real issues
    of life start.  Some of us go into commitments feeling that whatever
    we don't like about our partners is okay "because if they love us
    enough they'll change", so people come up constantly surprised when
    they find out that nothing changes.  They feel disillusioned, unloved,
    and betrayed.
    
    That is not to say that if you introduce a new idea to the parner,
    one that he/she has not considered before, that you can't sway him/her
    over to your side.  As in your example - if one person has been
    an advocate of casual sex and the other has been brought up to believe
    that sex is shared only between spouses - what if spouse #1 introduces
    swinging to #2 and that person has "just plain never considered
    it".  If #2 is a person open to new ideas then he/she may go along
    with it and give it a try.  And they may like it........
    
                                      or 
    
    The problem would be if #2 tried it and it produced guilt or bad
    feelings within them which would be a reaction to going against what
    they truly believed to be right.  Now #2 must make a decision - keep
    on swinging - and feeling bad - or reject #1s idea and possibly cause
    a breech between them........a no win situation.
             
    It's late Friday afternoon......I'm tired..........and leaving for
    a weeks vacation......so if I'm not making complete sense, pardon
    me.
    
                                                              

               
    
    	I read in an article about people being attracted to people
    that resemble or remind them of their 'first love' - somewhat like
    the 'imprinting' phenomena among ducks (the first living creature
    a duckling sees it will think is his mother and will follow it
    anywhere).  
    
    	My first love was dark haired and eyed (opposite of me--sorta
    like the 'fish story' in .8) and I seem to be attracted by dark hair 
    and eyes, initially, but as note .8 pointed out, that which attracts 
    may not be what holds people together.  I find that I prefer people 
    with similar morality, frame of mind ... ie. light-hearted as opposed 
    to serious and dour (which I'm not) and generally happy people with a 
    good sense of humor ... but, after the above criteria is met, I
    enjoy the differences.
    
    Janice Buck (quack quack)
    
    

RE: .12

Hmmm...  I had heard that you tend to marry someone like your opposite parent...
Not only that, but you tend to have the same sort of marriage that your parents
had, because that is the only one that you have experience in.

I think that that is the worst part about getting divorced, that my children
will have a terrible experience of a marriage to emulate...  My only hope is
that someday I will be able to remarry and provide a good experience to
counteract it. :-(

As far as 'first loves'...  I have had one love, not the first or the last, that
made a bigger impression on my then any other.  I am very attracted to people
who I think are similar to her, and I tend to want the same sort of 'things'
that I appreciated from her...

This can *really* be a problem... I have a tendancy to chase people who are
similar to her, or expect them to be like her; which does not allow them
to be themselves...

Jim.

Jim. 

    Opposites fascinate us, but a lasting relationship is hard
    to maintain . If two opposites can respect each others'
    beliefs, tastes, etc. then it can work. Without respect,
    it can not last. I for one would not be able to respect
    a person who subscribes to irrationalism (by my definition).
    A person who asks me "What's your sign ?" had better not
    expect much respect from me. I think it boils down to
    whether the opposing characteristics are fundamental or
    superficial.

re: .13

>Hmmm...  I had heard that you tend to marry someone like your opposite parent...

I read somewhere that you tend to marry (or at least be attracted to) someone
like your mother ("you" meaning BOTH males and females).  Maybe this actually
means someone like your primary caretaker (when you were a child), since the
mother was most likely to fill that role for our (and previous) generations.
So the "imprinting" analogy might get a boost from that.

But given the variety of people out there, it's hard to take generalizations
like this too seriously.  Unless the sample was VERY large...

    .12
    
    Jim, this maybe should be another subject but I wanted to share
    with you a thought.  I am divorced and yet I feel very strongly
    that I have prepared my children for a good marriage.  As difficult
    as it is at times, I have consistently told my children that it
    takes two to make a marriage and two to break one.  I have consistently
    told them what I could have done to make the marriage better and
    what the options were.  I often put the responsibility on myself
    in saying that from the very beginning I chose to marry their father
    for the wrong reasons.  Needless to say their father was not as
    generous...but in being himself it strengthened the message
    I had given them.
    
    My parents never once said a cross word in our presence.  It was
    not a good marriage...and it did not prepare me for mine.  In fact
    I married a man very similar to my father...I just couldn't tolerate
    being subservient and my mother could.

    The part of me that wants to complete me is attracted to people
    who exhibit characteristics that are undeveloped parts of myself.

RE: .17

Yes, it is good to "talk" to your children and explain what is and as not a good
marriage, whether you and they have been in one or not, *but* it is a ***long***
way from having been raised in and experienced a good marriage! 

Jim.