Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    (This entry is not from the friend in need, but from me - Laura)
     Sorry about any confusion.
    
    Dear Friend in Need, 
    
    Your story is a sad one, experienced by a lot of other individuals.
    This type of pain and dissappointment is not easily treated.  Different
    things work for different people.  Yet I truly believe that we all
    know how to cure our own ailments, but don't always realize it.
    
    My advice is....
    
    Concentrate - and forget all the pain you are experiencing right
    now.  Look at your goals and all the "pieces" of your dreams - and
    see it as a whole, instead of all apart.  Imagine something very
    delicate and precious - and irreplaceable.  i.e.  That special gift
    from your gramma, mom or dad that was given to you because of the
    love they had for you - this gift was their expression of how special
    you are.  Giving that gift so easily, is the best gift in the world.
    Because that old ? "LOCKET" or "RING" is so ugly and dirty and old,
    who would want it.  
    
    Do you follow me?  I don't want to get lost here.  My point is that
    that gift is the life of their reassurance and love.
    
    To many times, we forget the dreams as a total piece.  We tend to
    break it up and look for the pieces one at a time.  And I know that
    I have forgotten the dream I was trying to build.
    
    I guess, I am just trying to tell you that all the shoulders to
    cry on and all the advice in the world will not provide the comfort
    you are seeking.  It may help guide you to the only anwer - You
    are your only ANSWER!  
    
    It sounds like you need to place all the pieces together and see
    that you hold all the pieces deep inside you.  Don't forget to look
    to yourself - don't be afraid.  It is so much easier to listen to
    "YOU" instead of not listening.  When we choose to ignore that quiet
    little voice - that is probably wrong anyways - we make the biggest
    mistake.  Because, we know what is best for us - now we need to
    learn to believe and trustin ** US  **  !!
    
    You'd think we could trust ourselves so much easier than anyone
    else, yet it seems to be just the opposite.  
    
    I hope I was able to at least put that picture back together.  I
    hope that you look for that ugly .....?? and remember again - just
    what that gift is.
    
    Try to forget all the outside influences in this relationship and
    look at you - look at him.  If the pictures match, and the dreams
    are similar ....
    
    Then GO FOR IT!
    
    If they look too different, walk away and keep your eyes open. Keep
    your dreams clear in your mind and take what is waiting to be shared.
    
    I would wish you good luck, but you don't need it.  You only need
    you.
    
    Signed -
    
    Just another friend telling you something.....
    Hope you ignore anything not pertinent..
    
    Remember to love you.
    
    
    

    Loneliness must be, I believe, one of the hardest things in life
    to come to terms with. At the end of any relationship there is a
    period where one realises that the lack of a caring word or a 
    caressing hand, a shoulder to lean (or cry) on and someone to
    share an experience with is going to be with you all of "today".
    Tomorrow is hard enough but sometimes, you just get one "today"
    too many.
    
    While I could not comment on this guy's actions (past, present or
    future, as that is down to him) - perhaps he just had one "today" 
    too many.

    There is no way to turn back the clock and wipe out was has been
    done - one can only try to understand and then decide on the next
    steps that need to be taken - whether they are together or apart
    is a matter for the individuals concerned and no-one else has the
    ability to decide for them. Love takes a lot of work to make it
    happen - sometimes too much for one (or both) individual(s). If that
    is the case, happiness is liable to be found elsewhere no matter
    how hard the break may be.
    
    be lucky,
    
    Steve

    Unfortunately, none of us has any pat answers for you nor can we
    take away the pain you are experiencing. 
    
    I agree with Laura ...don't listen to what others say but trust
    in yourself and do what's best for YOU..what makes you feel the
    most comfortable.  You may never understand why he cheated on you.
    You can fogive and try to put it behind you or you can choose to
    end the relationship.  This too shall pass.
    
    From someone who has been there...
    
    Wendy
    
    

    Dear F.I.N.---
    
    The showing up drunk on your doorstep deal to say he loves you really
    struck a chord with me.  For four years I had a relationship with
    someone who did things like this.  I too followed heart and not
    head--with (for me) disasterous results.  The syndrome got to be
    this way:  he would hurt me terribly by his actions, I would withdraw,
    he would come after me with apologies and pleas for forgiveness,
    etc., and I would believe him (because I WANTED to believe he meant
    it), I would take him back, and the whole cycle would begin again.
    "Love is blind", it's true!  I finally had to end it because I realized
    (finally--after 4 years--amazing how thick some of us can be) that
    that was simply the way he was, and no amount of explaining or
    apologizing would make him any different.  And since that was truly
    the way he was (and probably always would be), I knew that I couldn't
    change MY ways, and had to leave.  It came to a point where staying
    with him hurt more than being without him.
    
    That is only my experience.  You may be different, and your man
    (I hope) may be different.  As one noter has already so aptly said,
    you have to go by your OWN feelings, and your "still, small voice"
    to guide you.  You will find, if you look, that you have friends
    and family to support whatever direction you decide to go in.  
    
    My advice to you is DO WHAT IT RIGHT FOR YOU--YOU HAVE NO WAY OF
    KNOWING WHAT THE OTHER PERSON FEELS--BUT YOU DO KNOW YOURSELF. 
    BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!  (Because you deserve it)
    
    Good luck to you,
    
    Jane

    hi i to am going through a very hard time with a relationship that
    just broke off. people tell you to forget and just go on your way
    but as i can tell you now it is not that easy. you are so confused
    at this time you just really don't know what to think. it is a hurt
    that you feel time will never heal even if we do know it will. you
    cry until you cannot but you will still feel the need to. i guess
    all we can really do is just live min by min because the hurt is
    so deep we can't think about the next day. wanting to give someone
    all of your love and they throw it all the way on nothing has to
    be the helpless feeling in this world. but hey you will get through
    it as i will and become much stronger for it, but we cannot become
    cold and unfeeling because these thing do happen. it is better to
    risk love than to never to have felt love at all. so let just keep
    on tring to smile and get through this the best we can, because
    in long run we will be much better off. no one needs people to hurt
    them all the time for there own needs. be happy, and keep on keeping
    on.
                                        terry

    re : .5
    
        Never a truer word been spoken. When I split with my ex I
    was so low that I just couldn't cope. A friend got me involved in
    NOTES and now I sit here all night (it's alright for most of you
    lot - it's 1 am in the UK !).
    
        Having got involved in this conference (and a few others) I
    now have a whole circle of friends I never had before - from being
    so alone I'm now surrounded by warm, caring people who encourage
    me to heal myself. The process is slow but it's coming along and
    every day gets a little better. Sure, I still have really bad days
    but just when I'm getting really depressed - in comes another mail
    from a friend.
    
        I hope this conference helps you as much as it has helped me.
    I don't know if this is really the best way to get this point over
    but I've found that I can share my feelings with people in this
    conference without fear of being put down or ignored. Being able
    to share my feelings and hopefully help someone else share theirs
    gives me the strength to go forward. I couldn't really properly
    begin to thank everyone here who's helped me.
    
    be lucky,
    
    steve     
        
    

    Just one question:
    
    What is love without trust?
    
    
    If he had told you that it was all a mistake, yea mistakes happen
    and sometimes we learn from them.  Then you just have to remember
    time heals all wounds and it will take time to get your trust back.
    But you don't want to be wondering for the rest of your life where
    is he tonight.  Good luck with what ever decision you make.
    
    Debbi

    
    I know your pain.  My case is not unlike yours, but the genders
    are reversed.  To add further pain, my fiance' (yea it was that
    much of a comittment) began to sleep with my *best friend*.  It
    hurts. 
    
    The "WHYs" will never be answered to your satisfaction.  You will
    have to make the decision to leave him or let him return.  I put
    up with infidelity for five months.  After which I was nearly insane,
    chronically depressed, suffering from various physical ailments,
    and not performing well here (at least so I thought).  I had to
    ask her to leave... and I moved thirty+ miles away.  It hurts.
    
    Was this a good decision?  The alternative would have been the
    destruction of either myself or my fiance'.  But that does not mean
    that I do not love her still.  It is especially true when I am alone.
    It still hurts.
    
    No, I could not trust her (or my former-best friend) any more. 
    No, there is no relationship left.  I may be able to create a
    friendship, but there will need to be a lot of effort on both of
    our parts.
    
    I should have left in September when this all started.  I did not.
    This made it worse.  I do not know you or your SO, but if you cannot
    trust him, the relationship is over.  Save what little dignity and
    good memories the relationship has to offer, and end it.
    
    You are not alone,
     
    Dana
    

    This is being entered for a Noter who wishes to remain anonymous.
    
    *********************************************************************
    
    
    RE: 259.* 

    Perhaps you could help me understand something... 

    I've been on the recieving end of unfidelity, but I didn't experience
    this agony that the rest of you feel.  I suffered very much when I lost
    her love, friendship, company, etc...  But knowing that she had had sex
    with someone else, or that she loved someone else (in addition to me,
    we parted on different reasons then infidelity), and made love with
    someone else did not destroy me. 

    Why do you hurt?  Why don't I? 

    REF:9
    When you loose someone because they want to be with someone else.
    it is that much easier not to hurt. i mean if you gave your self
    to this person and that is not enough for them then to h___ with
    them it is there lost not your. it seems to only hurt when there
    is no reason for it. that is hard to cope with. i may be crazy but
    i really don't think so. i was 259.5 and now that i know we cannot
    be together because of someone else it really feels like a weight
    off of my heart. i gave it my best shot, but now it is time to move
    on. i can't hurt for this person anymore. thank god.

                          -< No Excuses >-
    
    I'm new to this conference so excuse me if I seem a little glib.
    
    I may be a little late to add anything to this note, but I feel
    I must.
    
    I have been the guilty party in the past, having cheated on someone
    I really did love. There are no excuses for this, but I believe
    you can love two people.
    
    It was not my intention to hurt anybody, the love and respect you
    feel for someone is often hard won and against the odds. It just
    happened, as I said no excuses, but I was faced with a dilema I
    did not know how to face. I took what appeared to be the easy option
    and saw both women.
    
    Now I have neither, this must the only way it could end, one has
    gone back to America, the other I never see. I'm not defending what
    I did, but when you cheat, in the end you will be the only one to
    suffer. The other parties will survive without you when they see
    the truth, I think that's fair.
    
    I hope I have learned my lesson, and I will go on through life trying
    to find the answer.
    
    				i.e.
    

    You can't change anyone.  No one changes until they decide to.  Changing
    behavior patterns as deep and as old as those this guy's are require hard,
    deep, painful, and frightening self-appraisal on the part of the
    person making the changes.  No one can do it for them, and they
    may not be able to do it alone (therapy is a powerful tool for this
    stuff.)  If this guy isn't making this kind of gritty effort to
    discover and change the roots of his behavior, get out of the
    relationship and stay out.  The longer he gets away with
    it (whatever he say about changing it...if it continues, he's getting
    away with it) the less incentive he has to change because he still
    has you. 
    
                                                  
    Good Luck.
    
    MM

    Along those lines, I'm single, my fishing buddy is married.
    When we stop for a beer the girls always seem to go for him,
    this in spite of the big gold band on his finger. When I
    brought it up he said "that's 'cause they know married
    men don't get laid enough." :-)
    
    Seriously, maybe women know that married men will be more 
    discrete ?  Gary hart excepted, of course. :-)

    
    re: .14
    
    
>2) ONE man cheats on his wife (apparently) as a "business sservice to singlw
>women" (make money doing it).                                 
    
    Hmmmm.  Perhaps the woman realized she was marrying a prostitute,
    and that might not be cheating at all.
    
    If someone actually came on national television and said this, they
    ought to get a place in some politician's press staff.  That is one of
    the slickest pieces of sophistry I've ever run across.  Then they'd
    be making even more money.
    
    Gawd,
    DFW 

                      
    I'm not quite sure I can answer your question, but I will share
    with you my experience in hopes that you may see your own story,
    or one similar, in a different perspective.
    
    Just after my divorce was granted, I met a sailor whom I spent a
    total of one hour with, fell head over heels, and corresponded with
    until his discharge from the Navy 21 months later.
    
    After agreeing to marry him, he got drunk and cheated on me.  I
    was terribly hurt and angry but passed it off to one last fling
    where he'd been at sea for so long.  Nevertheless, I broke the engage-
    ment.  He couldn't tell me then WHY he did it, nor can he tell me
    now.
    
    He continued to chase me for the next few years, claiming his love
    unending yet still doing things that he knew would upset/hurt me
    (including seeing other women).  But, there was something there.
    
    In October 1985, I took him back.  Shortly thereafter I found what
    I had suspected to be true back in 1982 - he has a problem with
    alcohol.  He never drank daily, only once in awhile.  But, when
    he picks up the first, he doesn't know how to put it down.
    
    Today, we have been married for over a year and have a beautiful
    eight month old son.  It hasn't been easy but having been through this
    with him, it has helped me to understand that he has an illness. It
    has also helped me to grow myself, changing what I can about myself to
    make me a better person.
    
    One of the most important things this has taught me is to LET GO.
    It is not my husband that causes me to be unhappy, it is his actions.
    Also, no one can make you feel hurt or unhappy.  To feel this way
    is a decision a person makes.  To quote Abraham Lincoln, "most folks
    are as happy as they make up their minds to be", so be happy.  The
    only person you need to be happy is yourself.  If things work out for
    you and this man (and I hope they do if that's what you really want)
    fine.  If not, you still have yourself and your child.
    
    Best of Luck to You.

    That open mind of yours is truly a wondrous gift.

    re: .20
    
    Michael dear...I can't believe you actually wrote that.  Was someone
    using your node??  ;-)))))