Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    hi,
    right now i am trying really hard to be an "active" listener.
    it takes a lot of work from my view point anyways.
    
    i found myself in conversations to busy thinking about what i was
    going to say next,that i realized that i was not listening to what
    was being said.i have talked to a few people about this and they
    agreed with me,that you have to work at being a good listener.
    
    					kelly
    

    
    	>  Do you consider yourself to be a listener? 
    
    		YEP!  My job demands that I be a good listener!!  
    
    		And from past experience with relationships I found
    	that it helped my relationships to be stronger/better if I 
    	truly listened to what my SO was saying!  (And sometimes even
    	NOT saying!)  
    
    		I have identified over the years friends who I would
    	classify as "good listeners" and tend to spend more time with
    	these friends than others who are not/do not attempt to listen
    	as well.  
    
    		It's especially good to practice "good listening" with	
    	your children.  I found that with them around all the time,
    	sometimes I would "tune them out" -- once they caught me doing
    	this, I soon learned that it's just as important to be a good
    	listener to my kids as it is to my friends! 
    
    		Myra
    

                                         
    Past experience indicates that I am a fairly good listener.  At
    least, I think it does.
    
    A female acquaintance of mine once asked to come over to visit me.
    I knew she was having problems with her boyfriend at the time, so
    I thought she might want to talk.
    
    She did talk.  For six hours.  She also screamed a lot, and
    occasionally went into hysterical crying jags.  She told me things
    she had never told anyone else.  Through the entire time, I probably
    said fifteen words.  She didn't want my advice.  She just wanted
    someone to say things to.
    
    My mother is a very good listener, and I think I got it from her.
    Oddly enough, we never tell each other anything.
    
    DFW

    I feel I am a good listener because I truly want to hear what others
    have to say.  
    
    I need to know what a person is thinking and feeling and my value
    system is based on a person's attitudes.
    
    I have a wonderful group of friends and I wonder if I could ever
    put them all in a room together.

Great topic!


I ( being somewhat biased here, probably!  ;-)  ) consider myself to be an
excellent listener.  I can remember in Jr High in English class the instructor
taking a week out of the year to teach us to be good listeners.  It really
helped.  Not only do I listen to what's being said, but I try to put myself
in their shoes to see if I can come up with anything which might help them
out ( assuming it's a problem ).  If it's not a problem, then I try to think
of things to ask them to try and get the person to bring out more about the
experience or whatever.  This invariably pleases the person, as they realize
that I am listening, I do care, and I want to know more about what they're say-
ing.  Granted, if it's something not terribly interesting to me I won't do
that very much, but I always try to do it a little bit no matter how painful
because if the other person is telling me this, it's probably important to them
and I don't want to belittle something of interest to them.


	As an example, a really good friend of mine is into coins -- I'm not.
So when he starts to tell me all about his latest coin, I'll ask a couple
minor questions about it, or make a couple small comments ( even though this
is excruciatingly boring to me! ), and let him carry the conversation until
he's through.  It really doesn't hurt me, and I think it's just a part of
common courtesy.


	I think a good listener isn't just passive -- you have to take an
active ( albeit lesser ) part in the ongoing conversation.


	I guess it's up to others, though, to decide for themselves whether
or not I'm a good listener.  We all have our own opinions!


Brian

I think I USED to be a good listener (way back in high school), but I
don't think I'm that good anymore.  Too many things have happened since
then, I think I've become jaded.  For some reason, after the 200th "Oh
I'm so depressed, {my boy/girlfriend left me, I crashed my car, I flunked
out of school, my dog had kittens, etc.}" soliloquy I find it hard to
be as attentive.  It seems like everybody has the same old problems, but
there aren't many standard solutions (or if there are, they don't want to
hear them).  It makes me feel bad that these people are suffering and that
I'm powerless to help them; I think what happens is that I try to avoid
the bad, helpless feeling.  I do this by paying less attention to the
speaker and his/her situation.

I do not condone the above attitude.  It's something that I have to work
on.  I think the best listeners are people who are very confident of
themselves and of their life situations.  These folks' shoulders can likely
bear the most weight.

Back to the Cosmic Nautilus,
Carl

    
    I am not sure I agree that you need to be particularly sure of your
    "life situation" before you are ready to try and help people resolve
    their problems.
    
    After some recent trouble, I turned to a UK organisations called
    the SAMARITANS, they help people who feel their life has got so
    bad they are seriously considering suicide (I will add that I wasn't
    considering this option but I was feeling pretty low). In the ensuing
    conversation, they asked me if I would consider becoming a Samaritan
    and helping other people. I pointed out that if anybody started
    crying down the telephone to me I was more likely to join in rather
    than help them ! They, however, did not agree and pointed out that
    most of the people who give up their time for the Samaritans were
    initially introduced to the Organisation by using the service they 
    provide. I believe the same is also true of Alcoholics Anonymous.
    
    Perhaps having problems, and particularly having started the process
    of resolving those problems, allows you to centralise on what other
    people are telling you about their own situation. Maybe you need
    problems of your own so you can convince others that they are not
    alone with their problems. 
    
    I'm not sure if I am a good listener - I would like to think that
    I have the ability to try and understand. Whether that will be enough
    I dont really know but I feel I owe something to all the people
    who helped (and are still helping) me to try and put "something
    back".
    
    be lucky,
    
    Steve
    

    re:.0
    	I'm replying to this without reading the other replies so my
    apoligies if I repeat anything that has been said. 
    	I consider myself a good listener, but what's more important
    people that know me consider me a good listener. Listeners, I think,
    are very valuable, bexcause as you imply in .0 there is a rarity
    of really good ones. When I encounter a good listener I value them
    highly.
    
    Ken
    

    
    RE .8
    
    The main thing about the SAMARITANS is that they do not make
    any value judgement about what they hear.
    
    Even good friends are likely to set what they are being told 
    against their own value system, and you really can't make judgements
    about what is right for another person, based on what would be right
    for you.
    
    Do the Samaritans or their equivalant exist in the US.
    
    Jenni

        A couple of times recently very close friends have come to me
        with problems in their lives. They came to me, so far as I can
        tell, for two reasons. First, they needed somebody to listen.
        They needed to unburden. Second, in both cases it appeared that
        they wanted my approval, or more correctly didn't want my
        disapproval.
        
        In both cases the action the had taken or were contemplating
        taken was something that in my ethical judgement was wrong. In
        fact, both seemed to have real reservations about their actions
        although they also felt they had little in the way of
        alternative. 
        
        To both I said, "I love you, and love has to involve trust. I
        know you have strong principles and you will do what you think
        is right. I may disagree with you on what is right, but I
        respect you enough to know that you will do the right thing as
        you perceive it. Even if I disagree with your judgement call I
        do not and will not disapprove of you. And if you need my
        support you have it. I will be there for you even while you do
        something which I feel is wrong. You are that important to me."
        
        I think this attitude is very important. Friends are much like
        spouses. You don't typically make formal vows of friendship as
        you do vows of marriage, but the basis of the relationship is
        very much the same. Both are based on love (valuing the other
        person as you value yourself), trust and commitment. Both should
        be for better or worse. Both should be unconditional, excepting
        only that in the case of a conflict of interests the
        requirements of the formal and absolute commitment of marriage
        has to come before the needs of friendship.
        
        I am willing to tell my friends what my moral judgement on a
        situation is, always remembering that I know it from the outside
        only and not the inside. I will tell them when I think they are
        making the wrong decision or a different one than I would, but
        at the same time I make it clear that I will stand by them
        regardless of their position. What I value about my friends (in
        terms of being "good people" or whatever) is not how they decide
        one issue, but that they have principles and live by them.
        
        Some people are uncomfortable with my moral judgements and my
        willingness to state them. I suspect some of them feel I am not
        a good listener. Others seem comfortable because of my
        willingness to accept what I disagree with. They probably think
        I'm a good listener. It depends on what you are looking for.
        Some people need their decisions supported some people just
        need to be loved. I'm one of the latter and end up with friends
        who are as well.
        
        JimB.

I have enjoyed and appreciated reading the responses to my base note.
Listening is an art and in many ways has to be learned.  On the other
side of this, sharing what is really going on with you does not always
come easily either.  

I sometimes use the term "committed listening" when referring to the
type of listening I am talking about here.  It is making the choice 
to put aside, as best you can, your own judgements of what the other
person is sharing and just let them "be".  Allow yourself to really
hear what they are saying with as little of your own filtering as
possible.  It is definitely a different feeling when this shift is 
made, and I believe it creates an environment where a level of 
healing can take place.  

Not all sharing between people is for this purpose, however.
Some people just like to dump all of their problems on a person whom
they know will just sit there and take it.  Actually this isn't sharing
at all.  At other times, a friend might seek your advice - then your
judgements and opinions would become involved.  

I liked the overall feeling of Jim Burrows' response.  If we have
love and acceptance as the basis of our relationships, then we will
have accomplished something good.

Regards, Carole