Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    After my parents' divorce, my father proposed to two women in two
    months.  When Mom left, I guess he didn't realize how lonely he
    would be.  The women turned him down, and he waited two more years
    before remarrying.
    
    While I have never been divorced, it was interesting to watch how
    my dad coped.  From the outside looking in, yup, it's bad.  Hang
    in there!
    
    Lee

    Hi--
    
    I wish you a lot of luck--the position you're in isn't easy, and
    you are right to be making a life for yourself.
    
    You may not want to hear this, but from my own experience (I had
    a couple of long-term relationships with divorced men), women tend
    to be wary of recented-divorced/separated men.  I'll tell you why,
    using myself as an example.  I was dating someone who was separated,
    and although he told me his feelings for his soon-to-be-ex-wife
    were dead and all he wanted was to be on his own again, I saw evidence
    to the contrary.  I found (after investing a lot of time and feelings)
    that he was not ready to become divorced, nor were his feelings
    in fact "dead" for his wife.  This was a pretty painful time for
    me.  Since then (although time is not necessarily a factor for
    everyone) I was careful about how long ago a divorce happened, and
    NEVER saw a separated man again (pain has a long memory).
    
    I tell you this to perhaps help you understand why some women you
    see may be hesitant.  They may be afraid, too.  Good friends, male
    or female, are the absolute BEST for anyone going thru a crisis,
    and you never know what may develop with a friendship.
    
    Don't be afraid to get out there and socialize, but on the other
    hand, don't be afraid to feel the pain, either.  It's never as bad
    as you think it will be.
    
    Best of luck to you,
    
    Jane

    My advice, from experience, is to take it slow.  Don't be a hermit
    but don't push for a "serious" relationship too soon.  Learn again
    how to be friends with women, enjoy their company, even if it's
    for something as tame as a weekday lunch or a stage play.
    
    It DOES take a long time to get over the pain - longer than you'd
    care to admit sometimes.  But you'll surely regret it if you
    jump right into another marriage or similar close relationship.
    You need time to heal.  It may take one year, two years or even
    six, but it will be shorter if you reinvolve yourself with life.
    Bob's suggestions in .5 are all good ones.
    
    					Steve

Starting over again has its advantages.. more than you may be able to 
see right now.. honest!

When I found myself starting over 7+ years ago I really thought my 
world was ending.. I mean if I was no longer married and filling my 
vocation in life than why should I be living?  Hard to believe now I 
ever thought that way but at the time that is exactly how I felt!

First I dated quite a bit.. I was accepting dates from people I really 
did not want to go out with but needed to hear I was pretty and that 
someone thought me nice enough to ask out.. Then I decided if I could 
not go out with people I *wanted* to go out with I would not date at 
all!.. so then it was a couple of years of isolating myself..  Finally 
there came a time when  a good friend of mine sat me down and 
explained that "going out" did not mean "dating"...  I could learn to 
go out to movies, dinner, parties, visiting etc etc and have just as 
good a time as if I was dating.  So slowing I started doing just 
that.. The first trip out to dinner by myself was agonizing but I did 
it and after a few more times realized I enjoyed my own company.. I 
enjoyed looking around and taking in things I had failed to look at. I 
went to movies, parties, the local bar (where I knew most everyone) 
and anyplace else I *wanted* to go alone..  after a while I realized I 
was not alone at all.. there were always people around to talk to and 
things to watch and I was enjoying *my* company!

Well with this new sense of being able to venture out into the world I 
guess I was projecting a new person.. A person able to look after 
herself, enjoy her own company and doing things that she wanted to do.. I 
starting meeting people I liked and wanted to spend time with.  I met 
lots of people, not all perspective dates but simply people to share 
my time with and enjoy!

And low and behold just when I was not looking for a love in my life 
he came along.  A wonderful person that I could share and relate with!
It could not have been more of a surprise or a pleasure learning to 
love again.  And it was perfect.. all the learning to be comfortable 
with myself was behind me, growing as a person, realizing there was 
more to life than being someone's wife, taking on challenges, all that 
stuff I had lived through...  this made it easier for me to 
concentrate on getting to know him and appreciating him..  and now I 
am so incredibly happy and in love that each day is shear joy! 

So see as gloomy as it looks now, there is a great big fat sunny day 
just over the horizon...  give it time.. enjoy this time... make the 
best of having a chance to seek out a relationship that *will* work!!

good luck!
gailann

    Well, I guess what I have to say is similar to what others have
    already said, so I'll reinforce it - it's a common enough answer.
    
    I've been through what you're going through.  It feels like the
    world has ended.  In time - a lot of time - a lot longer than you'll
    want to wait - things will get better.  I'm not convinced that you
    can speed up the process, I think it's mostly a subconscious process
    that seems to work itself out.  But from what I see in other replies
    and in my own life, I'd say that it usually does.  Don't try to
    hurry it along.  You'll probably feel ready for a relationship before
    you really are.
    
    I've felt like I was ready for a serious relationship many times over
    the past 5 or so years, probably as soon as six months following my own
    "big D".  In truth, I wasn't.  
    
    And I'm fortunate that I didn't rush into anything.  Why?  Because I've
    met a wonderful person (a fellow noter in this conference, although we
    knew each other long before H_R existed), without doubt my soulmate,
    invested the time to build a solid relationship, and will be getting
    married tomorrow.
    
    Now, life doesn't come with guarantees - it may not happen the same way
    for you, but it does seem to happen that way for most folks. Just take
    it easy, avoid the imfamous "rebound reaction" (i.e. don't confuse
    loneliness or sexual tension for love), and take the time for
    self-development.  You'll be glad you did.  It worked for me, and
    as I'm sure other noters can attest, it did for them.  Good luck!
    
    Steve 

    
    RE: -1
    
    Congratulation of the big event tommorow - Hopw everything goes
    great for you and your wife ( to be ).
    
    Paul.