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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

206.0. "On Breaking Up..." by RDGE00::LIDSTER (A recent Recruit) Tue Feb 10 1987 16:32

     Well....here goes,
    
     I recently split from my wife after five years of marriage and,
     in an attempt to come to terms with the situation, I have spent
     some time in notes reading replies from people in what would appear
     to be similar situations. I have read a lot of the replies to note
     25 (concerning Divorce) but I find I cannot think of that in
     a tangible way because it seems so far away in the future.
    
     The main problem I have at the moment is that I am having genuine
     problems in adjusting to my new situation and I would like some
     other peoples thoughts on how to handle the situation. The split
     was as amicable as can be expected and I find that I do not miss
     my wife - I also find that I feel guilty because of this. My other
     feelings run through insecurity, excitement, challenge, hurt,
     loneliness, relief and just about any other emotion you can think
     of.
    
     Is there a "best" way to get back to a sense of normality ?
    
     How do you start the process of starting again ?
    
     At the moment, there seems to be no end in sight but hope hasn't
     yet died ! Till then, I remain emotionally battered and bruised
     ......but still hangin' in there !
    
     Bye for now,
    
     Steve
    
    
     
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
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206.1Surfin' SurfariGRECO::ANDERSONHome of the Convoluted BrainTue Feb 10 1987 17:0315
    Yup, you're right-on.  I've never talked to anyone who has gotten away
    from all that stuff.  Take care to husband (no pun intended) your time
    and your energy.  Keep a finger on your emotional pulse. I like to
    think of the emotions as waves in the ocean upon which I surf.  Each
    wave you ride you get a little better at recognizing the nuances and
    eddies of the flow.  Sometimes (with increasing frequency) it is 
    exhilerating.  Don't try to dam your feelings up because at some point
    sooner or later they'll come crashing through in an uncontrolled 
    fashion.  I ask myself the question, "Do I have or do I want to  
    invest emotional capital in this activity, event or person?"  If
    you're like me and a lot of other folks in the same boat, you don't
    have a lot of extra emotional capital to invest.  I also remember
    the first thing the Red Cross taught me in my Life Saving course,
    save yourself first.
                                             
206.2PSGVAX::HAKIMTue Feb 10 1987 19:2316
    Both males and females go through this emotional rollercoaster ride.
    Haven't met anyone yet who has escaped it. My intial thoughts are
    to invest time and energy into yourself first. Learn to be comfortable
    with (therefore accepting of) your emotions. Give yourself the space
    to re-acquaint yourself with you. I know this may sound foolish,
    but it is necessary to make friends & peace with yourself again.
    And you know what, it really is okay to be this selfish for a while. 
    As for starting over, well, if you mean engaging in another 
    relationship...don't....until you really know what you have to offer..
    to the both of you. 
    
    The above are general observations from one who has been on both
    sides. 
    
    Take care.
                                                                        
206.4My .02 worthMARCIE::JLAMOTTEthe best is yet to beTue Feb 10 1987 20:317
	Two pieces of advice..
    
        See a lawyer right away and establish some sort of legal agreement.
    
        See a counselor and explore counseling.
    
    Had I done both...it would have been easier.
206.5hey, I've been there......NEXUS::GORTMAKERWed Feb 11 1987 02:3928
    I went thru this about 1 & 1/2 years ago and it aint fun...
    The first thing i did right or wrong is talk to my friends
    about what had happened and how i felt. It is very important to
    talk out the feelings you have and to feel that someone is on your
    side.
    The idea to get counseling is a good one but see someone that
    deals with divorce recovery( i know you are just seperated)
    The lawyer part is good but i assume you have already done that
    part to make things legal.
    Then get yourself out... go to that favorite place and think
    about what is going on and how you want it to comeout and what
    you need to do with yourself to make this as positive an experience
    as possible. Remember many lose self respect,their job,ect.
    Keep a good attitude,a positive out look(this is real hard),and
    dont forget the hole card your friends. They can be a great source
    of strength at times like this I wouldent have made it if it werent
    for mine. You will notice that some will take sides and not be
    too friendly right now blow it off this is not your fault and
    you wont be able to change it. Chances are they wouldent be of help
    anyway. 
    I learned that you got to fight for what you what to keep and that
    includes all dont sell yourself short of what you deserve.
    If things look like they are going all the way to divorce find
    a very good lawyer this is big bucks but so were the things
    he will help you keep.
    
    I wish you the best of luck, jerry
    
206.6... day by day ...RDGENG::MCCARTNEYWed Feb 11 1987 11:1014
    Hi,
    
    Talk to your friends, don't be afraid to feel.
    
    It's easy to say that in time you'll feel ok, but of course its
    usually true.
    
    I survived by living day to day and not thinking too far ahead,
    and leaning hard on one or two good friends.  Also don't get involved
    with someone new too soon, you probably can't handle it.
    
    Good Luck and take care
    
    Jenni
206.8practical advice...TBIT::TITLEWed Feb 11 1987 12:1717
    Hi,
    
    I'm going through a similar thing right now.
    
    You didn't mention kids... if you don't have them, divorce is
    about a 100 times easier... read note 334 in AIMHI::PARENTING and
    be thankful you're not in that situation.
    
    Practical advice: Be good to yourself. Don't feel guilty about
    being selfish. Spend money on yourself. Buy some new clothes.
    Do things you enjoy. Take a nice vacation by yourself. I went
    to Club Med the week after my wife moved out, and had a good
    time. All of this won't totally erase the pain of
    separation, but it will help you restore your sense of self-worth
    and self-confidence, and make you feel somewhat better.
    
        - Rich
206.9An added note...RDGE00::LIDSTERA recent RecruitWed Feb 11 1987 13:1722
    
    re :206.8
    
        Your right I didnt mention it...
    
    I have a daughter called Charlotte who will be four next month.
    Access is not an issue and we get on better now than we ever have
    before. I believe that part of this is because my wife almost
    *forced* me into being the dutiful father whereas now I do it becasue
    I want to.
    
    Last weekend I took my daughter to my parents for the weekend and
    we had a great time - not a tear was shed or a telling off given
    
    Every cloud has a silver lining.
    
    I take the point about being good to myself... I have been buying
    lots of clothes and records etc. I've also found that I seem to
    be about five years younger !
    
    Steve
    
206.10For what its worthSTING::BARBERWed Feb 11 1987 13:2560
    Stive
    
     I went through a divorce about ten years ago, and have had a few
     "permanent" relations go sour since. So I hear you, all the things
     your feeling and experiencing all of us go through. Time is the
     only healer of the wounds of a separation. For what its worth
    heres a few suggestions to hopefully help and get you through this.
    
    DO's
           If you haven't got legal council yet, DO IT NOW !!!
           any divorce can get nasty before you know it and you
           need good component legal advice to get you through.
    
           Next, if your involved in a hobby or actitivy, expand
           on it.  If not find one that you never had the time for 
           before this. The best ones are the ones with a lot of 
           people involvement, this way you make new friends and stay
           busy. It gives you a way to occupy time and your mind that
           otherwise you spend thinking about the separation. Get your
           mind off the bad feelings by doing different things that
           require concentration.
    
    Dont    
           What ever you do dont lock yourself away in solitude.
           Get out of the house, do things , spend time with friends
           people you haven't seen in a wile, go get a activity like
           I said above.
           
           Dont listen to the "easy listening" type radio stations,
           put on some VERY upbeat rock or jazz or whatever your
           preference. The EL stations play every tear jerk song in
           the world and they bring up too many memories for this time
           in your life.
    
           In line with above stay away from the TV and the sad or 
           guy gets girl movies. You just dont need anything that
           reminds you of the current flood of feelings you now have.
    
           Stay away from the typical pick up gin mills and bars,
           tough as it may sound you dont need to prove your still 
           a man. You are, and hanging out at those places and getting
           put down when you ask someone out will only make you feel
           worse.
    
           Above all be yourself, dont loose track of who and what that
           is. Like others have said be a bit more selfish on your self
           for right now. do the things you want, buy the things you
           want. If you go out with the attitude that now your free
           and look out women Iam Joe Cool, Mr pick em up, with the
           intent of getting everything that weres a skirt and has legs,
           you'll become the biggest fake going. Be your self and you'll
           find that people will like you for you not someone or something
           they think you are. That is the only way to be accepted.
    
         Like I said time is the key, its kinda strange, one morning
         you wake up to feel real good and that a ton of weight has
         been lifted from your shoulders. Then your ready for whatever
         it is that is good and comes your way.
    
                                    Bob B   
206.11All of That And MoreGRECO::ANDERSONHome of the Convoluted BrainWed Feb 11 1987 15:158
    I second Bob's comments.  I don't have a TV and I find that I am
    much more sensitive to myself and others.  I also threw a party...sort
    of a ceremony of change of life.  This was a nice way of reaffirming
    my connection with other folks.  Also, I read a lot of books, not
    self help stuff but good escapist literature...I prefer science
    fiction.
    
    
206.13A time to be silly?HOMBRE::HOWERWed Feb 11 1987 18:0423
	I'd second the suggestions of doing something for yourself and 
	not becoming a recluse.

	Now is a good time to do that something you've always thought of doing -
	someday.  Perhaps especially if it was something you wouldn't/couldn't
	do when you were married (not common interest, too expensive [assuming
	it still isn't!  :-)], or just too far down the list).  Revive an old
	interest that you may have put aside - even if it seems silly.

	Recognize that, while you will need a friend to talk things over with, 
	sometimes it's also nice to have someone who can help you forget your
	problems and just enjoy whatever activity you're doing together.  And
	yes, it's often hardest to tell family and close friends.

	One caution about getting out of the house.  Don't overdo it and
	schedule something for every waking minute!  You still need some
	time to yourself, as well as time with friends.

	Legal counseling is also a good idea when children are involved, to
	discuss options and to answer questions (and allay fears?).  

	Good luck!
		-hh    
206.14belated replyECADSR::KINZELMANPaul KinzelmanMon Feb 16 1987 19:4517
    I went thru it last year, and there weren't any kids involved between
    us so that made things easier. Also, we did mediation instead of
    slugging it out in court. It's far cheaper and people are more likely
    to be willing to live up to what gets agreed upon because it was
    a compromise rather than a decision handed down. Somebody mentionned
    England (is that where you are?). Don't know what they have over
    there but maybe there's something similar. In any event, I'd rather
    that she get it than lawyers get it.
    
    It takes some doing (for me anyway), but I appreciate myself more,
    and can get into being by myself than I did before. Somebody else
    mentionned books, and I've been doing lots of reading in the
    psychology, self help, spiritual book area. Also, I got a lot out
    of the human potential workshops I've done, more than I can really
    go into here. If you're interested, you're welcome to give me a
    call.