Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Fully agree with Steven, .1; travelling both alone and shared have 
their place.

I've done both, often on a bicycle.  I tend to anticipate more
enjoyment when going with other(s), but come home having had a good
time in either case.  When with others, one can share and feel part
of a group, which maybe feels better than its true importance.  But
when alone, i think i personally grow more -- learning about myself
and spending more time doing and less time deciding what to do.  And
when travelling alone, I find it's often easier to talk to other
people or vice-versa.  (Being on a bicycle does seem to bring out
the best in others, especially in rural areas.  Many approach out
of curiosity; that doesn't happen as often when not alone.) 

With respect to getting stares when alone, my feeling is that more 
of those stares are imagined than real.  And many people are a bit 
in awe of people who have the guts to travel alone and are actually 
very friendly and curious.  Sometimes, that's why they stare.

But in any case, I try to do what I want in spite of "society".


	~Mike

    Bob,
    
    I can agree with you somewhat.  I like my independence, but I find that
    I am most happy knowing there is someone "special" to be with if I
    choose.  Just having someone/anyone isn't the same as knowing I have 
    "that certain someone".   I guess you might call that dependence.
    
    
    	-Dotti

    I traveled in Europe twice, staying in youth hostels.  The first
    time I was alone.  The second time I was with a girlfriend.
    
    The first time I met lots of people, got invited to visit homes,
    and had a good time.
    
    The second time I met far fewer people, only got one home visit
    invitation,  and had a good time.
    
    When you're alone not only do people feel easier approching you,
    but you also are more interested in meeting them.  When you're
    with someone, you have somebody to talk to and share with.
    
    			-John Bishop

    I've traveled with girlfriends several times and each time I wished
    I had gone alone.  That way I can do what I want without someone
    else to contend with.  I like to be alone.  Before I started going
    out with my SO I did almost everything alone (movies, dancing, ect)
    I always had a good time..  I think the only time I feel uncomfortable
    is going out to eat - people seem to look at you like that poor
    person has no friends.   
    
    Pam

    re.5 and eating out.
    I too get this that same reaction when I eat alone. When the waiter
    askes how many and I reply 1 they almost have a fit with"only one?"
    being very common as a responce. Then I either get seated behind
    a plant or by the kitchen. I get this about 3 times a week and
    it is a real pain in the a##. Just because I happen to be alone
    at the time i get treated as a leper.
    I dident choose to be alone in each case and i sure as he%% dident
    get divorced on purpose! This really chaps my butt to be treated
    this way. The choice is small on how to deal with it.. you can tell
    the waiter you want a different table/location or leave and be treated
    the same way at another restraunt.
    In this case being alone is a real drag and difficult to change.
    
    On traveling I prefer to be alone or with someone that can stand
    to do things on their own. This gives the freedom to see what you
    want to see and do what you want to do, without being all alone.
    I went to Europe 2 summers ago and spent 29 days there and alot
    of the things I wanted to see where not on the list of wants the
    others had. I therefore missed a number of things I really had
    wanted to see. A REAL BUMMER. Example go to Rome and spend 20 min
    there and move on(we were in rome 3 days). I made this trip
    with my ex and her parents and their idea of a good time was
    everyone doing everything together. We dident get much time alone
    the whole time we were there. I will go to europe again and alone
    or under the idea that splitting up to do what you want is ok.
    
    I do prefer to go dancing alone over going with friends but would
    rather take a date given the chance.
    
    -jerry
    

    in the last reply read: example Go to the vatican and spend only
    20 min there before moving on( we were in rome 3 days).
    

    To .5, .6, and .8--isn't that funny about dining alone??  I still
    don't understand the "crowd mentality" that some restaurants have...
    Personally I LOVE dining out alone.  That way I can read a book
    at the table, and nobody says I'm being rude.  And frankly, when
    I catch a few of those stares that come my way, I feel pretty good
    because I'm doing something I really enjoy.  I choose to feel that
    maybe some of those people staring are dining out with someone they
    really don't care for, just to have company..who knows?
    
    As far as the total question posed at the beginning of this note,
    I'm finding I can have my cake and eat it, too (either dining alone
    or with others, ha,ha) in the relationship I am in.  Fortunately
    for us, we both have busy schedules, and often some days are of
    the "Hi, dear/Bye, dear" kind, but that's ok, too.  Mostly we just
    like each other a lot, and find we gravitate to each other a lot.
    I suppose that has a lot to do with just getting older and a little
    smarter about what you like, etc.  
    
    So for me, I'm lucky to have a together and alone type of deal.
    Before this, I lived 10 years alone, and liked it for the most part.
    Sure you get lonely sometimes, that's life.  But it was always worse
    being lonely IN a relationship--take it from me, IT STINKS.
    
    I guess the bottom line is to be honest with yourself, and realize
    that there are trade-offs in everything.
    
    Hope this made some sense,
    
    Jane

    
    	I never had the courage to dine alone.  When I'd go on business
    I grab a sandwich at the bar, but I never had the guts to get a table
    for one.  I felt as if the whole world was watching.  I've been
    to the movies alone but only when I was depressed, so it didn't matter.
    	I don't like to be alone in general.  When I'm home alone I've
    got the stereo on.  The only time that I had a real good time traveling
    alone was when I went to Disney World.  I don't think that anything
    could have stopped me from having fun on space mountain.
    
    						=Ralph=

    
    I'm quite used to doing things by myself.  I was an only child,
    my parents worked, and although they didn't neglect me, if I wantd
    to keep myself amused I had to do something about it myself.
    
    One of my roommates, on of the best friends I've ever had, looks
    at me askance when I say I'm going off to do X all alone.
    
    	"How can you go to that movie all by yourself?"
    
    	"Well, do you want to go?"
    
    	"No."
    
    	"Then if I want to see it, I'll just have to go by myself..."
    
    DFW

In general, I don't like going out places by myself.  I don't think it's because
I feel funny being alone (people watching and all that), I just enjoy having
someone I like with me; someone to share the experience with.  I would
probably have a different attitude if there weren't people around willing to
go with me, because I wouldn't want to stay home and miss everything either!
I would probably prefer taking a solo vacation if I couldn't find someone with
similar or compatible goals for the vacation.  I do prefer wander-type
shopping alone, because then I can wander where I want and not bore a
companion.  I really enjoyed that at Xmas.

I don't like eating alone in restaurants.  I think I've done it once, and that
was on a "business trip".  The other people and their perceptions wouldn't
bother me; I would just sit and read.  The problem is I'm not too adept at
reading while eating, though I've had plenty of practice (at home), and my
dinner would probably end up on the floor!  I'd rather this happen at home.

As far as getting a bad table (consistently or disproportionately, since
someone has to sit there!) when you ask for a table for one, ask for a
different table, or ask for the manager if that doesn't work, especially if
you're a frequent customer.  The other trick you can try :-) is to ask for a
table for two, since you're expecting a companion to join you shortly.  Then
they just don't show up for some reason.  Use your imagination for getting out
of it, there must be zillions of variations. :-)

Jill

    I don't like going places or eating alone mostly because it's
    boring.  I'd much rather share things with someone - it can be
    a "special" someone or just a friend.
    
    					Steve

    This is a very American phobia.
    [Yes, that's what it is.]

    I traveled all of Japan twice and always ate
    alone while traveling and it is considered
    fine there.  Europeans also eat alone often
    and that they will seat other loners, if you will,
    with you.

 When i was younger, car-less and lived right around Boston, i used to
  go out to restaurants by myself fairly often (but more like the local
  diner/coffee shop than fancier/pricier places).  Obviously as the
  price of the meal goes up, the owners are more interested in filling
  up each table with the maximum number of paying customers, so maybe
  that's why they're unenthusiastic about single diners.

 Occasionally went to movies alone, but not all that often.

 Now that i drive and HAVE to drive to get most places, i don't tend
  to go out to restaurants or movies alone at all.  It's too much
  effort compared to staying home and throwing together a quick meal,
  followed by reading, yakking on the phone, or playing with the computer.

 Probably none of the above is relevant to people who have to travel alone
  on business.

I am finding that i really ENJOY being alone, having lived this way since 
last August.  And I am starting to venture out on my own: driving to Maine 
to sight see, going to the beach, eating out (yes I *like* it), going to 
the movies.  I haven't found anything yet that I don't like to do alone.

This is not to say I don't want to share my time/self with someone else, I 
do.  But I find that all my life I have been with someone and have never 
explored what *I* like to do.  Instead I have mostly done what other people 
in my life had wanted to do.  

So now, I am taking the time for myself, to find out what I like, how I 
want to spend my time.  Only when I become comfortable with myself do I 
feel that I can share myself truthfully with someone else.  I guess it all 
goes along with the old saying "Only when you love yourself, can you love 
someone else".

Angeline

    I have taken vacation trips alone and honestly enjoyed myself. 
    The trip has usually been where I will be with people, like last
    summer I took a schooner trip off the coast of Maine.  I drove to
    Maine alone and then went on board where you basically had to sharea
    small amount of space with many others. Lots of fun and a chance
    to meet all kinds of new people.  Eating alone in a restaurant can
    be a little unnerving, I admit.  I gravitate towards the small,
    cozy places with a homey atmosphere.  Seems less intimidating that
    way.  You often end up having a nice conversation with a couple
    at the next table or another single person or even the waiter or
    waitress, if they are interesting and friendly.  
    
    It's too bad that a lot of folks, young or old, feel intimidated
    by our "couples society".  If there is something fascinating or
    interesting to do, it should be worth doing alone, but there are
    always those fears to deal with.  Many years ago I was a waitress,
    and when I waited on someone alone, I would tend to feel sorry for
    them.  Now, my attitude has changed, and I admire people who feel
    at ease doing this.  Living to the fullest is for all of us, single
    or not.  I think Europeans have a better attitude about all of this.
    
    Marilyn
    

    I get great service when I'm dining solo.  But I have to be in the
    right mood to go out to a restaurant alone.  It gets forced upon
    me when I'm out of town on business, I guess it's one of those things
    that you just 'adjust to'.
    
    I hitch-hiked long distances in my late teens.  I met a lot of people
    out there, but I can't really compare alone vs. accompanied in terms
    of 'number of people met', because each trip was totally different
    in so many other respects.  This was 1974-75.  I don't think I'd
    try it over again now.  The roads have gotten a lot less friendly.
    
    I do like travelling alone because so many people are such
    dis-organized travellers.  (i'll just kick back here until you find
    that bit of whatever in _one of_ your suitcases...:^))
    
    Jeff
    

    I like going to Old Orchard Beach 95% of the time by myself cause I
    have a routine that I don't like breaking.  Find my same old spot on
    the beach, sit for a short while, go for a long walk, lay down for
    awhile, then hit the stores, buy and icecream for lunch, go to the 
    Brunswick Patio and listen to a live band.  Sometimes I bring someone
    along, it's great when you can do things together or the other
    person(s) don't mind that you do somethings alone and that they are
    comfortable alone.
    
    I like going to our local night club 90% of the time, due to the fact
    that I know quite a few guys and I like dancing alot and if one person
    don't want to, then I ask someone else.  Or if someone asks you to
    dance than you can, cause you came alone.  I don't ever sit at a table
    there and I'm always moving around and talking to people (female/male
    friends) and I like to play darts.
    
    Eating alone, I don't care for, cause you do feel like someone is
    always staring at you and giving you a weird look.  I feel very
    selfconscious.
    
    Movies, I can do alone or with someone.  Doesn't matter much to
    me...but when you've seen a good movie you wish that someone was there
    with you so that they would know what your talking about.
    
    Shopping for clothes, I prefer to do it alone most of the time, cause
    when I want to leave I can.
    
    X-country skiing, horseback riding I'd rather do with someone.  That's
    more fun done together.  Walking, I like going by myself, unless the
    other person can keep up with me.  I don't like to walk real slow. 
    Biking, I like to do alone alot of the times, but I do occasionally
    like to have someone along.  Bodybuilding, I like going alone and
    meeting up with people there. So that if I want to work out for just
    1/2 an hour and leave I can or I can stay longer and chit chat.
    
    Well that's enough for me.
    
    Pat