| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 196.1 | I like the prospect | USMRW4::AFLOOD | BIG AL | Tue Jan 27 1987 02:23 | 10 |
| The woman I am marrying has two teenagers, one lives with his Dad
and the daughter will live with us. Although she is probably past
the formative stage, I would hope that we will have a loving
relationship more like that between a teenager and an adult as opposed
to the typical father daughter relationship. I hope she will look
to me for advice and respect me as her mother's husband, not as
a pseudo father. I welcome the relationship and hope I am able to
earn her respect and love.
al
|
| 196.3 | From someone who has made the decision | PEANO::WHALEN | Some people actually like fruit cake | Tue Jan 27 1987 12:38 | 13 |
| A few years ago I was dating a woman who had a son (which she had
custody of). At first, because I was interested in her, I ignored
the fact that she had a child and was willing to accept everything
about her. Her child and I got along quite well, and she even
commented about that. Well, after a few months I started to wonder
if I felt that I could handle children on a full time basis. It took
a couple of weeks, but I eventually decided that, at that time,
I was not ready to. Because of this we stopped seeing each other.
I also decided that it was not a final decision, and that I would be
willing to reconsider at later times if I should find myself in
the situation again.
Rich
|
| 196.4 | | CAMLOT::DAVIS | Eat dessert first;life is uncertain. | Tue Jan 27 1987 12:46 | 31 |
| Step-parenting is a real tightrope...
For those with the energy, stamina and patience, I recommend
it highly...
I have three step-children by a former marriage, actually
"former step-children" but they still introduce me as their step-mom.
The first year together was difficult... kids carry a lot of baggage
from a divorce and these kids were no different and I had never been
a parent before. Also, my then husband's ex-wife was being a real
pistol... she would call to criticize the way we handled the Easter
egg hunt saying it wasn't the way she did it... *tons* of nonsense!
After we worked out the fundamentals such as homework, picking
up after themselves, bedtimes, etc. we got to be real friends... and
even now after their father and I have been divorced several years
the kids and I remain good friends...
One thing I would caution is that you and your spouse have
similar thoughts on parenting... in my case, the father simply said
"you deal with the kids" (I should have suspected then that the marriage
wasn't going to last :^) so I made all the choices... but you
will need to be mutually supportive so a frank discussion of parenting
techniques, traditional vs. permissive, what expectations they have of
your relationship with their children and so forth is a must. The
3-way, 4-way, n-way (his/hers/ours) relationship has to be right for
everyone involved.
grins,
Marge
|
| 196.5 | the stepchild speaks | ADVAX::ENO | Bright Eyes | Tue Jan 27 1987 13:15 | 10 |
| From the other side of the fence ...
Warning to all potential setpparents/non-genertics parents -- never,
never, never, say "they're your kids, not mine" in the heat of an
arguement. I already had reasons not to accept my mother's second
husband as a parent (he was an abusive alcoholic), but this was
the last straw. I could never accept someone who could make that
distinction (mine when they are good, yours when they are rotten).
Gloria
|
| 196.6 | With six you get eggroll? | QUARK::LIONEL | Three rights make a left | Tue Jan 27 1987 13:43 | 23 |
| I would absolutely welcome the children of a future wife, as I'd
expect that she would welcome my own son. I recognize that it is
hard at first, perhaps for a long time, but the rewards are
worth it.
Unfortunately, many men are just not into being a full-fledged parent
at all, for their own kids or anyone elses, because that's not what
society has taught them they should expect to be. Thank goodness
that more and more men today are discovering the joys of being
a "Daddy".
I fully agree with Gloria that to try to distinguish between
the children according to biological parentage is just asking
for big trouble. Heck - even original families sometimes have the
"How come he's YOUR son when he's good, but MY brat when he's bad?"
syndrome.
However, it takes a LOT of patience, a lot of learning, and a lot
of self-assessment to successfully pull off a merging of families.
It rarely works as well in real-life as it did in "The Brady Bunch".
What it mostly takes is a lot of love.
Steve
|
| 196.7 | I'am not the father, put I'm still in charge... | YODA::BARANSKI | Laugh when you feel like Crying! | Tue Jan 27 1987 17:52 | 28 |
| I would certainly welcome any children that a woman whom I am interested in
has... I liked children, although the first year or so of my son's life I was
quite confused as to whether it was being stuck as a parent, or stuck in a dead
end marriage that I resented/*. Now I know that I enjoy being a father...
But I am not so sure that I would, or would want to be a 'father'. I think
that it is important to make the distinction about who the biological parents
are.
However, It is possible to have a good relationship with the children of
the women I get involved with without being a 'parent', by being:
1) An authority figure. You do not have to be a parent to be an authority
figure. There are plenty of other authority figures in life. This ensures that
you can give the children the benifits of your (supposed) greater adult
wisdom/experience.
2) A friend. It is important, if you do want to be on a personal footing
with the children to be their friend as well. It also very helpfull in keeping
communication going.
3) Treat the children like you would adults. Give them the benifit of the
doubt. Really, what right do you have to 'parent' the child of the person you
join? I don't think that you have any; you have to earn that right, and make
the investment of yourself into the person that the child is, before you can
expect your word to be law...
Jim.
|
| 196.8 | Eight is enough!!!!!! | OWL::LANGILL | | Tue Jan 27 1987 18:10 | 55 |
| As one who has had a good experience, I'll put my two cents in also.
I've been living with my second husband for a little more than three
years and we've combined two families, we feel rather successfully.
We have between us eight children, 25, 24, 23, 17, 14, 13, 9, and
8 years old, six living with us. The 25 year old spends almost
every weekend with us with his girlfriend. Since he lives about
70 miles away from us and makes this frequent effort to visit, we
must be doing something right.
As to the question of accepting each others children, what other
choice did we have? Acceptance of each other, being willing to
make a hopefully permanent committment to each other and wanting
happiness for ten individuals made for insistance of this.
As to the question of each others children accepting us, we again
could not allow anything else.
Some of the factors that have made this possible for us:
-Mutual respect for each other and OUR CHILDREN.
-Creating solid friendships with the children BEFORE making any
attempt at parenting. I do not attempt to parent (the're too
old) his kids unless they ask for it (and sometimes they do).
-Trying to understand each other's weaknesses and strengths along
a fairly strong knowledge of child development. Along with
this trying to remain constantly aware of each childs growth
in order that we adjust our thinking according to what they
are capable of.
-The ability to talk constantly, about every issue. In our
home, no subject is taboo, even if it is somewhat painful or
embarrassing. The only restrictions on conversation are that
it must be undertaken with consideration for the other's feelings.
-The ability to listen, and not voice an opinion. Especially
important when the children may be having a problem with a
natural parent not living in the house. No matter how awful
an ex may seem, the child still loves that person.
-Trust of everyone involved that they want the best for each
other. Not always possible as noone is selfless, but we try.
-Wanting to see everyone reach their fullest potential, including
the adults. Noone ever stops growing.
-Being able to accept and dish out responsiblity.
-Keeping in mind constantly that when the children are grown
and gone, there will still be us. With all that goes on in
our lives this is not always easy.
-Similarities between us - same religious views (not terribly
strong), similar upbringings etc.
I could probably go on for pages with this, but I won't. Everone
has a different history and is living under different circumstances
so what is working for us, works for us. This is not to say that
we haven't had and don't continue to have our own set of problems.
I think that the difference may be that we deal with them on the
spot and all give each other the support needed to overcome.
|
| 196.9 | This umw/oc would | CSC32::KACHELMYER | Dave Kachelmyer | Wed Jan 28 1987 00:55 | 6 |
| I'm one of those unmarried males without children of my own. Although
it hasn't actually been put to the test yet, my gut feeling is that I'd
happily accept the children of a woman I was interested in. I'd also
want to have an equal part in the raising of them, as well.
Dave
|
| 196.10 | A little theoretical, but... | DSSDEV::BURROWS | Jim Burrows | Wed Jan 28 1987 16:03 | 24 |
| When I was a senior in High School I used to have this recurring
dream in which I was dating a girl who was pregnant from a
previous relationship. The dream involved a fairly large amount
of hassle with the powers that be and with the added
complication in our relationship but was on the whole an
extremeley pleasant one. That's as close as I've ever come to
the situation, but I love kids, my own or others, and so I don't
think I'd have any problems with it.
Of late I've become quite close to a young lady who was a single
mother back about the time my old dream took place. The
friendship is a NOTES/MAIL/PHONE/phone net-friendship so far,
but her son and I get along (via MAIL etc) pretty well, and I
find that as with the a few other children of friends the warmth
of the relationship with him if anything enhances the
friendship.
I think that the children of our loved-ones are in some ways
parts of them, and that in loving the one we love the other. But
then again, my only personal contact with this is indirect. I'm
happily married and have never really been involved with a woman
with kids.
JimB.
|
| 196.11 | No | CSSE::CICCOLINI | | Wed Jan 28 1987 16:08 | 17 |
| Everybody seems to be saying they would accept the child(ren) of
the person they were interested in. That sounds like it's after
the fact. I thought the question meant would you want to GET in-
terested in a person with kids. What if they dropped the bomb on
the first date?
For me I doubt I'd date him twice. The one time a guy asked me to
go out with him AND his kids it sounded strange and weird and I de-
clined. What the heck would you do? Go to see the Muppet Babies?
Yet I know three guys in particular who have MARRIED women with
multiple children! This amazes me. Why on EARTH do people so
willingly complicate their lives? Are they afraid this is the last
shot at love so they grab it? I'm assuming that you are NOT hope-
lessly in love when you find out you've got a package deal here.
So if you say yes you'd continue seeing someone with kids, please
tell me why!
|
| 196.13 | How well I know! | CSSE::CICCOLINI | | Wed Jan 28 1987 17:28 | 12 |
| I was a bartender for a parents-without-partners 'meeting' every
Monday night for almost a year. I'm not saying I don't sympathize
with the single parent - my heart goes out to them! Because of MY
feelings about dating people with kids, I have always felt that
single parents must be romantically less desirable to most people.
Then these three guys go and marry women with broods and frankly I'm
stumped! And these are intelligent, good-looking, stable and prosperous
men who are not hard up!
When I asked two of them seriously about it they both just kind of
smirked and changed the subject. I'd love to know WHY they pursued
these women!
|
| 196.14 | PWP are people just like other people... | YODA::BARANSKI | Laugh when you feel like Crying! | Wed Jan 28 1987 18:20 | 9 |
| First, If the woman dropped the bomb on the first date, yes, I'd still be
interested... Actually, I imagine that a lot of my decision to be interested in
the woman *in any case* would be based on the way that *she* relates to her
kids... (The problem with kids these days are their parents!)
WRT the three wise men... How do you think they got all those kids, Sandy??
:->
Jim.
|
| 196.15 | eh? | CSSE::CICCOLINI | | Wed Jan 28 1987 18:57 | 3 |
| What do you mean, how do I think the "three wise men" got all those
kids? They married the kids' mothers, that's how! I don't get
it.
|
| 196.17 | Good kids, bad kids, your kids, my kids | MARCIE::JLAMOTTE | It is a time to remember | Wed Jan 28 1987 20:52 | 22 |
|
I am not sure I should do this off line or at this point. So
what I will try to do is make it as impersonal as possible. I
am beginning to wonder about my own sanity when I read some of
these notes about children. This is the first time I have heard
Sandy question other people's motives. But I have heard her loud
and clear that she does not want children. I respect you for that
Sandy and you are doing the right thing to see that you do not have
children nor do you become involved with a man that does not want
children.
Love has to conquer a lot of obstacles. Children of a previous
marriage are just one of those obstacles. Many men and women thank
goodness do not consider it serious enough to terminate a relationship.
I love my children, my grandchildren and everyone else's children.
And I am not odd....just different then you, Sandy. I can comprehend
your attitude...is it so difficult for you to comprehend the attitude
of the three men who did not find children an obstacle to their
falling in love?
Joyce
|
| 196.18 | Kids and motherhood are attractive to me | DSSDEV::BURROWS | Jim Burrows | Wed Jan 28 1987 21:47 | 29 |
| "Why would you want to complicate your life this way?"
Because the mother (or father) and the kids were all
beautifule people with whom it would be a joy to psend
the rest of you life, maybe?
As I said earlier, I'm not in the market for a spouse or sexual
partner or whatever, but I do know that I find pregnant women
and women who have recently had kids to be more attractive and
sexy than ones who aren't/haven't. This has been true since I
was about 18 or so. Just a few weeks back I found that one of
the women in our department was looking really good, and that I
always found myself watching if she walked by. Turned out she
was a few weeks pregnant when this started.
I have no idea why this is true. I know that lots of other guys
find pregnant women and recent mothers very un-sexy. I suppose
it could be that I'm responding to the evidence that they're "in
working order" as it were (no offense ladies--I'm talking on a
basically hormonal level I think), or it may be my love of kids
or the fact that the various physical changes brougt on by
pregnancy are attractive to me. All I know is that mothers are
sexy.
For me kids are a big plus in a woman, as is a love of kids. I'm
also quite attracted to people who like my kids or kids in
general.
JimB.
|
| 196.19 | Caution from the moderator | DSSDEV::BURROWS | Jim Burrows | Wed Jan 28 1987 21:50 | 7 |
| As an aside: Please let us remember that different though her
views might be from our own, Sandy is as entitled to her beliefs
as any of us. That she finds unattractive what I find very
attractive is perfecly OK. It doesn't make either of us weird or
bad. Let us try to discuss issues and not each other.
JimB.
|
| 196.20 | | ZEPPO::MAHLER | I drank WHAT? - Socrates | Wed Jan 28 1987 23:33 | 7 |
|
Sandy? Has an attitude problem?
THAT made my night...
|
| 196.21 | I would, maybe.... | NEXUS::GORTMAKER | | Thu Jan 29 1987 00:42 | 39 |
| As a single formerly married person I hate the term divorced
when thinking of myself. I am now dating whenever possible and
while doing so i have met MANY women with children. It seems
like about 90% of them have kids and an even half have never been
married at all. I tend to shy away from the NBMM's I will not offer
to explain this.
I suppose I would prefer to meet someone that dident have kids and
have our own family from ground zero. But i would not hesitate
to get involved with someone I really was attracted to because of
kids. I enjoy kids and have my sisters kids over all of the time
so getting used to them would be no more than meeting them and
building a relationship. I would need instruction with diapers
'cuz I always made scarce when that came around but that was because
there was always someone else just begging to do it and I wasent
needed 8-) 8^) 8-).
Things I DO think matter:
1. How does the mother treat her child, like I would want her to
treat mine?( I want one that is loving/caring and treats children
as a blessing not as a side effect of sex. I also cannot handel/
stand brats that get their way all of the time and dont behave
within reason for a child. This is the mother's doing and instead
of dealing with it(fighting/disagreements/living with it) I prefer
to not get involved.
2. Is this all to find a daddy for baby? I have net 2 like this
and one even said so. ( NOT INTERESTED)
3. Is the woman someone I can spend the rest of my life with?
( I have met a few where I prefered to be with her kids over her
because we just dident sync up)
4. The age of the children. I think I would like to see them grow
up -vs- getting an already grown 16 yr old. This is not a hard and
fast rule.
Over all I would say Yes I would accept hers as mine and treat them
as my own. I will gladly get involved with the right woman when
I meet her. Where ever she is hiding!
-jerry
|
| 196.22 | Revised and expanded .16 | QUARK::LIONEL | Three rights make a left | Thu Jan 29 1987 00:59 | 20 |
| Sandy, I disagree completely with your opinion as to the
desireability of a prospective partner with children. I would consider
a woman MORE attractive if I knew she was a mother because I'm
looking for someone who wants to have children.
So far, I've had at least two first-dates with women where my
3-year-old was along. And I've had two others where her kids
were present. These were informal, of course, but I had a good
time. Of course we'd have other dates by ourselves. I consider it
wrong to hide the fact that one has children, so to me, "dropping
the bomb" is, instead, the courteous thing to do.
Still, given the choice, I'd prefer to have the first few "dates"
sans kids. But I'd not only admit that I had a son, I'd proudly
display his picture.
If all you can do is sneer at single parents, and consider them
undesireable, I hope you find someone compatible with your tastes.
It certainly won't be me!
Steve
|
| 196.23 | I think I'd better bow out of this! | CSSE::CICCOLINI | | Thu Jan 29 1987 12:10 | 19 |
| Gee Steve, I wasn't sneering at all. The fact that I wouldn't want
to date someone with kids is as out of my conscious control as your
wanting them yourself. I certainly don't say "Ha, ha" and run away
feeling superior because I believe no one has kids unless they want
them! Sounds like I may have hit a nerve with you.
I'm not really worried about flames or people attacking me personally.
Children is a hot issue in our society and my views have gotten
me plenty of flack starting waaaaayyyy back when which I'm sure you
can imagine. I'm comfortable with the decisions I have made in my
lifetime and attacks do not incite me to defend so I get interested
it what the flames might be telling me about the flamer.
And for the record my love life is tres bien! Thanx for hoping
I meet a guy just like me but 'meeting a guy' whether like me or not is
no big major drive. To live in peace, style and comfort is and
always has been my primary drive and the opportunity to share that
with a good man is appreciated but not mandatory. But lucky me, I
found one anyway!!
|
| 196.25 | Small treasures... | 3D::AUSTIN | | Thu Jan 29 1987 15:10 | 32 |
|
I know, in my own case, that it is very important to me that if,
in the future, I should find someone with whom I feel I would like
to develop a long-term relationship with (marriage again, doubtful,
but who knows) it would be most important that he would accept my
children. Not necessarily as his own, for they already have a father,
and not really as a "package" deal, because they won't be living
with me forever, where this person, hopefully, would. My children
would have to be important to this person and he'd have to like
and RESPECT them.
I think, sometimes, single mothers (this could get me some flames,
but here goes) may feel the responsibilities of parenting too much
for them and they go out and try to get someone else to help out
right away. I know at least one who "corralled" someone by getting
pregnent right after her first divorce (yes, it was really
deliberate). Then she was left with 3 kids by 2 fathers
and divorced again. Her 4th marriage, she married someone 12 years
younger than she and he legally adopted all 3 children. I think
this reaction may be natural, in a way, especially if the woman
has been home all her married life with children. Basically, she's
had to rely on her husband for most of the necessities.
Anyway, I feel that my two children, though not perfect, are a really
a treasure. And if I should find someone else who feels the same
way about my girls, I'd be willing to share that treasure. After
all, HE would be the really lucky one.
jean
|
| 196.26 | I love'em!! | USMRW1::RSCHAVONE | | Thu Jan 29 1987 15:52 | 26 |
|
Yes, I have accepted them as my own children. I found and fell
in love with a woman who had two boys by a previous marriage. I
didn't fall "hopelessly" in love with her, just in love.
When we (her and I) decided that we wanted to spend the rest of
our lives together, we (the four of us) became a family. Very simple.
I was fortunate in that the kids were young, and their father lived
on the west coast, and didn't bother to call, write, or visit. I
think this made it easier on the kids and I, and allowed us the
opportunity to grow together, without many problems.
Sandy, I can certainly understand your feelings about package deals,
'cause this was about the last scenario I ever would have pictured
for myself in my dating daze.
*BUT*, I have never met a more wonderful, warm, compassionate, person
in my life, and I feel I'm lucky to have won her hand and heart.
I would have missed the opportunity of a lifetime, if I had been
put of by the "package deal"
Call me lucky, I guess.
rgds, Ray
|
| 196.27 | One Kid's View | NRLABS::TATISTCHEFF | | Sun Feb 01 1987 16:41 | 17 |
| This may seem completely obvious, but no one has mentioned age.
"Kids?!? Aagh! I'm practically one myself!"
At 24, I am considered an adult, and I am fairly, er, socially
active. Kids scare the s*** out of me, and while I am willing to
_date_ or fool around with someone with kids, I would NOT consider
letting that turn into anything serious.
re: women_not_fulfilled_w/o_kids
modify that to _people_ aren't fulfilled w/o kids, and I'll go along
with it. That is a function of life-timing, though, and I for one
am nowhere near ready to cope with such responsibility. Perhaps
it's a price I pay for being raised a feminist -- I am terribly
concerned with my own development as a professional woman, and wonder
if I'll ever be ready to help shape the life of a child.
|
| 196.28 | it's worked for me... | JUNIOR::MARTEL | | Tue Feb 03 1987 15:10 | 21 |
| Being a single parent of two boys, I can offer a lot of "experience".
I thought that men would not be interested in a woman with 2 children.
I was quite amazed when I found out differently. I have not been
dating all that much, but have been fortunate enough to find a
few men out there that not only accepted my children, but also loved
them. And it was so true with the children. They really enjoyed
having someone other than their mom around.
The really difficult part has been that I have not been able to
let relationships go anywhere, and in the long run, I back out of
them. Take one guess what happens, "the kids are the ones that
get hurt".
I believe that there are a lot of children out there that can offer
so much more to a relationship and if allowed to, it can turn into
a very nice friendship.
|
| 196.29 | just another small comment | JUNIOR::MARTEL | | Tue Feb 03 1987 15:14 | 10 |
| re:.11
What do you think you were at one time? You act like they have
the plague or something....
Sounds like you are missing out on an awful lot of "beautiful"
experiences because of your "outlook/attitude".
That is too bad.
|
| 196.30 | There's beauty everywhere! | CSSE::CICCOLINI | | Tue Feb 03 1987 17:04 | 46 |
| Aw, c'mon, kids don't have the plague. And sure I was one at one
time but you say that should be a REASON to have kids? Charles
Manson was a bubbly baby once too but I doubt we'd say that's why
HE should have any progeny! I'm not comparing myself to Manson, just
using an extreme to show the oddity of this particular "reason".
We were ALL kids once, so what's that got to do with it?
How come you never were able to let relationships grow or develop
or whatever you actually said? Sounds like you meet wonderful men
but... But what? What stops the relationships?
And ok, you asked for it so I'm going to tell you what we "miss"
because of our "attitudes/outlooks".
We are middle class people and do not have the luxuries of having
everything we want. You can't, and I can't. Check out the cover
of this month's Life magazine and you will see an extremely weathly
woman who can have anything she wants including a kid, because she
can also have a live-in nanny, designer clothes and long vacations with
her wealthy husband with or without the kid. But you can't. And I
can't. We are faced with the choice of having and being all we
possibly can in life or having children. This is an irrefutable fact
of life which applies to both men and women, but more to women since
they are still the primary caretakers.
I said I wasn't going to put this in notes because it's a defininte
fire-starter but...
I believe the majority of middle-class people never actually deal with
"the choice" but allow children to just "happen" to them. Now you may
have faced the choice and said "Lifestyle hell, I want kids" and
that's commendable. But if you HAD faced the choice then you would
know that because you aren't Christie Brinkley or some other
millionaire, you have to give up something to get what you want.
That's what the word choice means. Taking one thing, leaving the
other. Telling me that I am missing out on something because of MY
decisions suggests you didn't consciously recognize a choice and make
one. Yes, of COURSE I'm giving up something and you are giving up
something too and isn't it rather silly for us to lock horns over which
of us made THE "best" or the "right" choice and gave up the "right"
thing? Isn't it just a little bit pretentious to assume that not only
IS there only one right choice, (which of course there isn't), but
also that the "right" choice is the one YOU made and everyone who
makes another one is "wrong" and "missing something"? Unless of
course you didn't consciously make the choice, but let life make it
for you.
|
| 196.31 | Hear Here! | YODA::BARANSKI | Happiness is not wanting *too* much... | Tue Feb 03 1987 19:48 | 0 |
| 196.32 | Not Everyone is cut out to be a parent | VAXWRK::RACEL | | Wed Feb 04 1987 01:02 | 22 |
| I want kids someday. However, I'm really glad that some people
are able to accept that they either don't want, can't handle or
can't afford kids. A child who grows up knowing that he/she isn't
wanted can't have a healthy childhood. Can't any of you who think
that *everyone* should have kids think of some parent you've seen
who should have made the sound decision either *not* to have children,
or to give any unwanted pregnancy child up to a loving family who
*can't* have children.
Like I said, I really hope that someday I'm in the position to have
children (I hope it's not soon, though). I also hope that any child
that is born has parents who really want them as much as I would,
and that I'm as good a mother as my mom was and still is. People are
different, and not everyone is made out to be a 'mom' or a 'dad'.
Give someone credit for making a conscience decision to do what they
know is right for them.
I'm not saying that everyone who doesn't want children can't handle
them, but geez, there are enough battered, abused, neglected, and
ignored children out there whose parents never should have had them.
Do you want more?
|
| 196.33 | Calmer now... | QUARK::LIONEL | Three rights make a left | Wed Feb 04 1987 01:20 | 25 |
| I like children, have one child, and would like to have another
someday. I recognize that there are many who don't like children
- these people should not have children and should not be made to
feel that they are "unfulfilled" without kids.
Nevertheless, what I read into Sandy's notes was an opinion that
having a date announce to her that he had children was akin to
him saying he had AIDS. Most of you know that I am not usually
a flamer in notes, but I guess I did get a bit lit up on that one.
I apologize for any offense I may have caused.
So, let us understand that in this divorce-happy world we live in
that there are a large number of single parents out there, most
of whom would like to start a new relationship. If kids aren't
your style, then you should either ask before your first date or
simply keep looking afterwards. (However, it WOULD be bad taste
to have your date's kids show up unexpectedly.)
I'll make an additional point, at the risk of breaking my arm (patting
myself on the back, y'know)... Even in today's more even society,
it is still very rare for fathers to have even shared custody of
their children. I would think it a point in a man's favor that
he cared enough for his children and was able to care for them that
he fought for custody.
Steve
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| 196.34 | TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN | MELODY::LAVNER | TOP GUN | Wed Feb 04 1987 05:48 | 10 |
| I am a first time reader/responder in this file. This is a HOT
issue. I respect Sandy for her decision and her open attitude and
have told her so offline. Better to know what you want and go for
it, then let whatever happens....happen. I also respect Steve's
situation because I have been there and know the responsiblity and
the rewards. I happen to love kids, I have one 4 year old son and
want more. To me, the upside far outweighs the down. So Steve, I
say "RIGHT ON" and to Sandy... go for it.
Bob Lavner
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| 196.36 | Brady Bunch the ideal! | MARCIE::JLAMOTTE | It is a time to remember | Wed Feb 04 1987 15:12 | 6 |
| Having observed many merged families I would like to suggest that
this is a valid question and one that should be thoroughly thought
out. The merging of families is very rarely a remake of "The Brady
Bunch".
|
| 196.37 | what's happening here? | JUNIOR::MARTEL | | Wed Feb 04 1987 16:00 | 23 |
| Sandy,
I am not opposing your decision, just the way you perceive/communicate
it. Quite STRONG!
I agree, not everyone wants children, nor should they have to.
But you seem to think that a *man* interested in a *woman* with
children, has to have something wrong with him.
What I tried to imply is that children are very fascinating,
loving/loveable, and full of surprises. Can't you even *imagine*
that these little kids can offer humor, love, etc. to someones life?
That is exactly what they do, and I believe that you probably can't
even imagine that to be true.
I will not war this out with you...
Maybe some day you will understand what a "Mommy Dearest" perception
you seem to have.
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| 196.38 | Open the Door, It's Me, I've Got the Stuff | GRECO::ANDERSON | Home of the Convoluted Brain | Tue Feb 10 1987 04:44 | 8 |
| Hello...Hello...Hello.
Is anybody here? Having just entered the conference and reviewed
this note's discourse, I can, with complete certainty and authority,
conclude that there are plenty of folks with like preferences with
whom we may enjoy a satisfying relationship. For that, I am grateful.
Now, let us all demonstrate sincere and caring honesty, so that
we don't pair at cross purposes. Remember the prime directive.
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| 196.39 | Mommie dearest? She's my good buddy! | COIN::CICCOLINI | | Tue Feb 10 1987 13:14 | 30 |
| re: .37 JUNIOR::MARTEL
I concede that I communicated my position strongly, and you're not
the first one to tell me that I assume abnormalcy in people who
readily date people with kids. I'm sorry. (Head hanging, here).
I guess, (well I KNOW, actually), that there are lots of people
who don't mind finding out that their date has kids, and some even
welcome it. I guess I just don't understand the draw. Sure I've
met nice kids but none so nice I would revolutionize my entire life
for them and it would take a revolution, (quit my job OR arrange
and pay for day care, and provide transportation, rearrange my budget,
pare down my social life, plan every little detail of my comings
and goings, re-do my VERY un-childproof home, whew! I'll stop here!).
St. Moritz is "nice" too but I wouldn't turn my present life upside
down for IT either.
Again it's not the kids but the lifestyle I reject. If I had enough
money that I could continue on in my peaceful existence and enjoy
my kids whenever and however I wanted to, I would welcome them and
would be able to enjoy their positive attributes. But I don't.
Enjoyment of children is a luxury with a high price. Rich folks have
it and can pay easily but you and I can't and so we must decide.
To me the good is there but it just doesn't outweigh the bad.
Mommie dearest? She'll get a kick out of THAT one. She envies my
choice and my resultant freedom and wishes reliable birth control had
been available for HER! She wouldn't have had kids either and I
don't blame her! What a life they'd have by now!
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| 196.40 | Danger! reduced visibility... | YODA::BARANSKI | Searching for Lowell Apartmentmates... | Tue Feb 10 1987 15:19 | 15 |
| RE: .39 CICCOLINI
"Enjoyment of children is a luxury with a high price."
That's a smoke screen... I know some very poor people who enjoy their children
very much. What you're talking about, is that you can't have *everything*
unless you are rich. Everyone has to make choices, and we all assign different
values to different things to help us make our choices, and come up with
different answers.
You value your present lifestyle, and don't value having children enough to want
to reverse your choice, which is your right to run your life. Nothing wrong
with that, but call a club a club.
Jim.
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| 196.42 | Children...nothing like em | MANTIS::PARE | | Tue Feb 10 1987 18:49 | 21 |
| I agree that those of us who don't want to have children shouldn't
have children. And it doesn't matter what the reasons are.
But if the original question is about why anyone would willingly take
on the responsibility of children (their own or someone elses), I'll
take a shot at a reply.
Children hug you more often than new furniture does.
Children are better conversationalists than pets.
Children make you laugh.
Children show you the absurdity of life.
Children try so hard at everything they do.
Children love you, even if you're ugly.
Children love you, even if your boss hates you.
Children find joy in the smallest of things.
Children understand most of the things that we have forgotten,....
like how to have fun.
Children take all of the time and money and love you give to them
and make it into something important,...a living, breathing, thinking,
human being, unique and different and special.
|
| 196.43 | unrequited love == a teen-aged child | CGHUB::CONNELLY | Eye Dr3 - Regnad Kcin | Wed Feb 11 1987 03:01 | 6 |
| re: .-1
You are of course referring to children UNDER the age of about 11!
Above that, you could negate most of your sentences and they would
be equally true (for certain specimens)!
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| 196.44 | Can you tell my boys are 16 and 17? :-) | BEES::PARE | | Wed Feb 11 1987 11:14 | 21 |
| Why would anyone want teenagers (their own or someone else's)?
Because teenagers are old enough to do their own laundry.
Because teenagers view life as a great adventure.
Because teenagers are more honest with you than most adults if you
give them half a chance and don't come down on them everytime they
tell the truth.
Because teenagers don't need babysitters.
Because teenagers are more fun than most adults.
Because teenagers can run errands.
Because teenagers work on the family car.
Because teenagers are so serious about everything.
Because teenagers are not serious about anything.
Because teenagers experience love with more intensity than anyone.
Because teenagers combine the silliness of childhood and the
seriousness of adulthood in a charming way.
Because teenagers will lend you money.
Because teenagers reflect yourself back at you.
Because teenagers will soon be adults with all of the mannerisms,
habits, ideals, and values that you have taught them - not with your
words but with your life.
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| 196.45 | tru confessions | CGHUB::CONNELLY | Eye Dr3 - Regnad Kcin | Fri Feb 13 1987 02:30 | 9 |
| re: .44
Okay, Mary, I plead guilty to being an Old Crank! And a lot
of it is probably misplaced guilt, because I remember what a
miserable wretch I was when I was a teenager. The one thing
I know is that I wouldn't want to have children that are like
the way I was then!
paul
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| 196.46 | Mother's curse | USMRW1::RSCHAVONE | Be a good wizard | Fri Feb 13 1987 11:19 | 8 |
|
re: .45
That's something my mother used to wish on me, when I was being
a particularly charming teenager. " I hope you have kids that are
just like you!!"
Ray
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| 196.47 | One hundred percent times three! | WFOVX3::KLEINBERGER | misery IS optional | Fri Feb 13 1987 11:27 | 15 |
| My mom laughs now when the girls do something that I don't like...
She says "See I prayed they'd be just like you were", and I see
God does answer prayers :-)...
I see myself in the kids everyday....
Would I accept someone elses as my own... you bet!!! If I am dating
someone that doesn't get along with the kids, he is not dated again....
God may have only entrusted these precious souls into my care for
a limited amount of time, however, they are here, and they count
100% * 3!!!!! The have a VERY big say into what I do and don't do
when it comes to dating.
Gale
|