Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I've separated relatives and family as terms for some time now.
    
    My relatives I had no choice in getting. I care for some of them, but
    not most of them and love only a very few (I have tons--35 first
    cousins on one side and 18 on the other). Even as a kid, I never
    understood the concept of "family" as put forth by my relatives. Most
    of them are fairly old-fashioned and to them the importance of the
    people with whom you share certain amounts of genetic material was
    paramount. Since I actively disliked most of my relatives, I couldn't
    understand why they should be the most important group of people in my
    life and the ones I should turn to for help in any situation. 
    
    Then I discovered true friendship in college and began to notice
    I loved these friends much more than almost any relatives and valued
    their impact on me much more. 
    
    At this point in my life, my true "Family" consists of those friends I
    have found over the years that I love. These people are the ones I can
    take any problem to, they are those whom I love and would help and
    cherish and do anything for, and who know who I am (and my relatives
    certainly don't have any idea how different I am from their
    perceptions of me).
    
    "What constitutes a family?"
    
    The bond of caring and love. I really object to the current legal
    definitions of "family unit". I think "Family" should include homosexual
    couples (who currently have a very difficult time even granting
    each other "next of kin" status), unmarried couples, multi-family
    groups (communes), single parents and children, multi-generational
    related groups, line marriages, group marriages... In short all
    of the various wonderful ways people have found to relate to the
    people they love.
    
    A family is 2 or more people who may or may not live together, but who
    share common concerns for one another. Personally, my family is more
    than the man I love and live with. My family spreads coast to coast,
    from New England to California, from Florida to Washington. And
    I am very, very lucky to have these wonderful people to love and
    to love me.

    Tamzen

    Family is where you can go and they have to take you in.

    Re .2:
    
    I find that a bit cynical. I would tend to agree with .1 and say that
    family is where you go and they *will* take you in. 
    
    	Jon

    Family is where you can go and they will take you in without judging
    you.
    
    							Pat

    Bob, when I wrote .4 I was referring to unconditional (parental)
    love.  We have discussed that elsewhere in this conference and I
    discovered I'm apparently a minority of 1 who believes that true
    unconditional love occurs only in a parent-child relationship. 
    No need to get into THAT again...
    
    At any rate, I was thinking specifically about my divorce.  The
    ONLY concern my parents ever voiced was for my well-being.  They
    didn't pry, didn't judge whether I was right or wrong, didn't try
    to tell me where I screwed up, didn't lecture, didn't preach.  All
    they cared about was that I hurt and they hurt for me.
    
    Does that make my statement a little clearer?
    
    							Pat

    I agree with Pat.
    
    My friends would probably do anything to help me out incluuding
    taking me in as the yknow I would do the same for them.
    
    My family is large, we didn't have a lot of material things when
    we were young, we fought with each other but one common factor we
    did have was love for each other'. Now that we are grown up and
    don't have to face the sibling rivalry of youth, we are able to
    show our true emotions. We all do for each other as we are able
    as well as helping to carry the burdens for each other. When one
    of us is hurting we all feel the hurt.
    
    Sometimes friends can't carry in the same way as they have not spent
    a lifetime knowing us. Friends can be special and can certainly
    in their own way provide the support we may need, but they can never
    replace real family!
    
    al
    

    re:  .-1
    
    >Friends ... can never replace real family!
    
    I would argue that for some of us, friends are the ONLY REAL FAMILY
    we have.  Please be careful of such generalizations!  Family is
    NOT a matter of blood relations, it is a matter of spiritual and
    emotional bonding and commitment.  And I suggest that the VOLUNTARY
    taking on of such family relationships, rather than being "obligated"
    by blood, is a positive factor which should not be understated.
    
    Steve

    If you start changing the meanings of words, you make it very
    difficult to talk, and difficult to think.
    
    Keep "family" as meaning a unit composed of people who are
    related by blood, marriage or adoption.  Keep "friend" for
    people who are close but not related.  Keep "acquaintance"
    for people you often see, but to whom you are not close.

    I can appreciate that you wish to show your love for your
    friends by calling them "family", and that you wish to allow
    people who do not love their biological realations to not be
    forced to use "family" for them (due to the "warm and fuzzy"
    connotations of the word).  But that way lies words with no
    meanings.
    
    Consider the meaning of the word "gentleman".  It once meant
    a person who was of a certain social status and owned land.
    It had connotations of "courteous", "honorable", "kind to dogs
    and small children".  People began saying "that poor person is
    nice, even though poor: he is like a gentleman should be", then
    "he is like a real gentleman", then "he is a real gentleman".
    Now the land ownership part is gone forever, and the word means
    "I like his manners".  The meaning is much more diffuse and
    the word less useful.  The history of "nice" is similiar.
    
    You are doing the same thing to "family".  If you want to say
    "people I love", say that, please don't re-define another word.

    				-John Bishop

    FROM THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY:
    
    1.	Parents and their children (nuclear family)
    2.  A group of persons related by blood or marriage (secondary family)
    3.  The members of one household
    4.  A group of things with common characteristics (VAX family)

.1 sounds like a paraphrase of a line from a Robert Frost poem:

"Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

I beleive the title of the poem is "The Hired Hand" but I'm not sure. I'll
try to look it up. It's about a farm family who adopt (not legally, just
emotionally) the old man they've employed seasonally for years when he gets
too old to work and has no place else to go.

This just goes to show you that "friends as family" is not a brand new
concept.

Don.

    
    My family consists of my two girls.. they will remain so until the
    time when they decide to go off and have families of their own.. I
    grew up with a sister and 4 brothers.. most of that time I had a 
    step-father who I loathed and my mother..  brothers are all grown now 
    and living in various parts of the country, mom is divorced for the 
    third time and sister is off and doing her own thing.  yes they are 
    still my family in the literal sense of the word but I certainly do 
    not hold any allegiance to them.. that is not until I first see to 
    my own..  my girls..     
    
    My idea of a family is the people who live, work and interact for
    the benefit of all in that unit.  right now that consists of myself
    and my daughters.. someday our little family is sure to increase
    but for now we are each other's family.. for good, bad or otherwise..
    I refuse to stay up nights worrying about siblings that have gone
    out into the world to make their own lives.. if they ever need me
    and I can help I would surely do so but not at the deprivation of
    my children..  they understand that as I have made it quite clear.
    
    Sure I have grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins that I love
    dearly... they are 'family' but ""MY"" family consists of Norma
    and Chrissy and our world as it exists day to day..  I spose this
    sounds icy sometimes when attempting to word that which I feel but
    I feel certain responsibilities to these youngsters and their care
    and well being over the next 8 to 10 years...  I want them to grow
    strong in character and will, and know that they command their future
    not any ancient family ties..  
    
    nothing infuriates me more than extended family members who abuse
    the fact that they are related to impose themselves on other family
    members..  
    
    oh well that is my 2 cents worth!
              
    later, gailann