Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Petra, you're not alone!
    
        When I was married we had 7-8 other couples we regularly soc-
    ialized with; went canoeing, cross country skiing, cocktail parties
    etc, etc. with. After we split my ex-wife and I separately saw our
    old circle of friends for a short while. They more or less offered
    comfort and reassurance that everything'de work out fine, then all
    of a sudden were always unavailable, always had plans with another
    couple or two for the weekend. After the divorce, when the ex and
    I became friendly again, she complained of the sam thing with most
    of her friends who were still married. I've had a couple of male
    and female friends who got divorced and had the same problem.
        Only my theory, but once you're single again, that's one less
    thing you have in common with them. Also, some, but not all couples
    are threatened by having a single friend around; maybe toy or one
    of them may fear being attracted to one another, maybe they are
    afriad of socializing with a single person on single's turf out
    of similar fear. I know when we were married there were a couple
    of single acquaintances who asked us out but we declined, preferring
    to be with other couples. Today, I have lost all contact with all
    of the couples. As a single again old co-worker and friend once
    put it, "kinda makes you feel defective, like the only people who
    want to be with you are those in the same boat as you".
        Like you, 99% of the people I know are hitched. I spend most
    friday and saturday nights listening to records or watching movies,
    since bars do not so a thing for me.
    
    
    Ray

    
       Going out alone can be rough, especially when you don't really
    know what to do or where to go.  Worse if you really want someone
    else to enjoy what you are enjoying.
    
       But build them into weekdays somehow.  Fridays are dangerous
    for many reasons, but the big rush to go out and enjoy one night
    out of the week is restricting you from enjoying the other six.
    You'll find that Friday is just another day of the week.  Killing
    yourself for one night out just isn't worth it.  
    
       I find many things happening during the week, and sometimes
    much more expensive and crowded to do on the weekend.
    
       Being lonely isn't unique.  You can be married and be that!
    Having someone to talk to, be intimate, can fill in the missing
    spaces.   

    Do you think that it might work if you perhaps invited
    a mix of people to dinner, say some couples you have known
    and perhaps a few single M/F's as well?  Perhaps in this 
    way people may feel more comfortable, less threatened.
    
    We have a neighbour who has also become a friend who we
    regularly go around to a variety of places with pubs, garden 
    centres etc.  We realise that being single is difficult
    and as we all get on well I see no reason to miss out on
    a rewarding friendship.  Sometimes his
    brother and sister come down and we all get together and
    have a bar-b-q or drinks and chat and swap stories.
    
    It does not occur to us to think of this causing a problem.
    Sometimes we just sit listening to music, we don't feel
    that we need to talk constantly, in fact its rather like
    having a big brother over.
    
    If I lived over there you'd be more than welcome to come
    and get to know us.  We are usually fairly good fun to
    know.  (Perhaps a little shy at first).
                           

    If your friends stop talking to you because you got divorced, then in
    what sense are they friends? I should think that friends would talk to
    you more, because you're more in need of friendship.
    
    	Jon 

    I am in a very similar situation. Most of my friends have moved
    away or have gotten married. I spend a great deal of my time trying
    to figure out what I am going to do at night. I try to get a hold
    of my friends, but because most of them are married they can not
    go out dancing and as was said earlier raise hell. The situation
    however is a little different for me being a single male. It is
    perhaps a little easier going out by myself, but I am relatively
    shy and have a hard time just going up to people and starting a
    conversation. 
    
    	I just try to tell myself to hang in there. Knowing that things
    can only get better. I like to go out whenever I can, and the way
    I figure it the more I go out the sooner I will become less shy.
    All hoping of course that this will lead to meeting more people.
    Maybe even finding that special person everyone seeks in his/her
    life.
    
       Todd

    I found that when I got divorced (separated actually), the couples
    who were true friends of many years' duration stuck by me and are
    still friends to this day.  That, however, was only two couples
    out of the many, many couples my husband and I socialized with.
    For a very long time I socialized only with them; they represented
    security to me.  One day I woke up and realized it's not healthy
    for a single person to have NO single friends, not even one.  So
    I began to branch out and make some single acquaintances, people
    who were in a similar situation to mine and who had similar interests.
    Now I have a pretty good mix of the two.
    
    I think that the breaking up of two people who planned to grow old
    together is only one of the devastating effects of divorce.  Your
    entire world changes:  your in-laws, if you were close to them --
    friends, lifestyle, EVERYTHING!  No wonder divorce is so totally
    devastating!  I don't have any advice for you except to view this
    as a new start and try meeting new people and making new friends.
    It IS a new start, you know.  Good luck!
    
    							Pat

RE:  .0

Petra,

I think the problem with marrieds and singles is related to the "third wheel" 
syndrome.  When I was married, we invited my best friend and former roommate 
from college over who'd been recently divorced.  We did so several times, 
because I knew he needed it.  But he was never comfortable with us because he 
felt out of place, perhaps it reminded him of being married.

When I was undergoing the Big D, I was taken underwing by a co-worker and his 
wife (funny, I'd never thought of the parallel until now).  And for me, they 
were lifesavers and I'll be eternally in their debt for helping through it.  
And I never felt like a third wheel with them.

Why the difference?  Beats me.  Was it the couple or the single that made the 
difference.  Beats me.  Guess the moral is that you can't generalize too much!

Maybe your married friends are uncomfortable because they subconsciously are 
afraid that divorce is contagious - i.e. you remind them that it could happen 
to them too some day.  Just a thought.  The point is that you aren't to blame 
for what you see happening.  My saviour-couple weren't threatened by me.  I 
think the difference is that they were comfortable in their own relationship.

Regarding the question of going out alone - I'd say we all handle the problem 
(it IS a problem) differently.  I've one friend who doesn't mind hitting the 
town by herself.  I personally am not that comfortable going out on my own to 
dinner, although occasionally I will force myself to do it to try and keep the 
"rough edges" smooth.  But this world does seem oriented mostly for couples and 
going to a nice restaurant alone isn't the more relaxing experience.  I mean, 
good food is so much nicer with good companionship and conversation.

And I agree, Friday nights (and Saturday ones as well) suck!

Steve

    I have been divorced for 6 years
    I have found that you can NOT rely on the feelings and attitudes
    of anyone because noone comes with a guarantee of how long they
    will be a part of your life.
    
    The answer very simple
    be happy unto yourself.
    

    I have just discovered a singles club TSL and though I've only been
    to two dances and one meeting it seems promising....most of the
    members are divorced, and it's a great way to meet people of both
    sexes for friendship and possibly (hopefully) romance.  
    
    This club has "various and sundry" activities to participate in
    ... a friend and I are going to a Trivial Pursuit party this Fri.
    At Halloween there were numerous masquerade dances and parties in
    different localaties ... maybe there's one near you (this one is
    in the Mass/NH area) ... other activities include bridge afternoons,
    hayrides, sing-alongs, pot-luck suppers, tours, boat rides ....
    anything you can dream up -- you can even sponsor them yourself.
    
    If you'd like more info. write to me.
    
    It certainly gives you things to do, places to go and people to
    meet.  
    
    I've never been married but I've noticed that when my single friends
    got married that I saw less and less of them ... so I guess the
    same syndrome applies in both cases.
    
    The best to you,
    
    Janice.