| I'm not sure it's necessary to distinguish "first timers" as a special
case. Even those of us who have been married before can be affected
by the "shadow" of the previous partner. As .1 suggests, it makes
a big difference whether or not the shadow is still around - the
more interaction there has to be (say if there are children involved),
the more difficult it is. There's also the consideration of whether
your new partner still feels any attachments to the old one.
Another thing I found that bothers me in particular is to be in
the same home previously inhabited by the "ex". One is constantly
reminded of the past, and the feeling is quite uncomfortable.
Steve
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A very interesting and thought provolking question, Nancy!!
While not personally at a point of re-marriage, I can definitely
relate to Steve's comments in .2 of a "shadow" being around. This
has been a factor for me where I live in what was the marital home
for 12+ yrs. While I personally don't carry my feelings about my
ex to other females (not even those with the same name!!), there
still does tend to be somewhat of a "shadow" of my ex around. I
also find that the opposite side of that coin also occasionally
enters me when the lady I am with has been previously married/involved
with another guy for a longer period of time. Hopefully time will
cast out most, if not all, of those shadows from me.
Joe
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|Do "first-timers" ever feel like they are living in someone's shadow,
|(someone of course meaning the former spouse).
Well, it depends. A lot of the problems can be caused by the "new" spouse
feeling that they are in competition with the "former" spouse. If you let
it, your entire life can become an attempt (doomed to failure, let me add)
to outdo old "whatever-her-name-was". Remember that, whatever else happened,
the "former" spouse is now part of history, and that, in a very real sense
THEY are now living in YOUR shadow.
But you need support from your partner; if your partner constantly comments
on things that you do with "Oh, Buffy used to do that" or "That was Buffy's
favorite color too" or "Let's go back to ..mumble..; Buffy and I had so much
fun there", then you are in a race which you cannot hope to win. My suggestion
in this case would be to "recalibrate" your partner, possibly with a large
blunt object like a 2x4 :-).
So, my personal feeling is that you are not living in "someone's shadow" unless
you put yourself there.
Nigel
ps: is an ex-spouse really any different from an ex-lover? Philosophically?
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