[Search for users] [Overall Top Noters] [List of all Conferences] [Download this site]

Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

110.0. "INSECURITIES(?)" by <Deleted> () Wed Oct 22 1986 13:39

T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
110.2No special casesQUARK::LIONELReality is frequently inaccurateWed Oct 22 1986 14:4712
    I'm not sure it's necessary to distinguish "first timers" as a special
    case.  Even those of us who have been married before can be affected
    by the "shadow" of the previous partner.  As .1 suggests, it makes
    a big difference whether or not the shadow is still around - the
    more interaction there has to be (say if there are children involved),
    the more difficult it is.  There's also the consideration of whether
    your new partner still feels any attachments to the old one.
    
    Another thing I found that bothers me in particular is to be in
    the same home previously inhabited by the "ex".  One is constantly
    reminded of the past, and the feeling is quite uncomfortable.
    				Steve
110.3Both sides, now..REGENT::MOZERJoe MozerWed Oct 22 1986 17:0515
    
    A very interesting and thought provolking question, Nancy!!
    
    While not personally at a point of re-marriage, I can definitely
    relate to Steve's comments in .2 of a "shadow" being around.  This
    has been a factor for me where I live in what was the marital home
    for 12+ yrs.  While I personally don't carry my feelings about my
    ex to other females (not even those with the same name!!), there
    still does tend to be somewhat of a "shadow" of my ex around.  I
    also find that the opposite side of that coin also occasionally
    enters me when the lady I am with has been previously married/involved
    with another guy for a longer period of time.  Hopefully time will
    cast out most, if not all, of those shadows from me.
    
    					Joe
110.7Me and my shadow.....HOMBRE::CONLIFFEBoston in 89!!Thu Oct 23 1986 12:4024
|Do "first-timers" ever feel like they are living in someone's shadow,
|(someone of course meaning the former spouse).

Well, it depends. A lot of the problems can be caused by the "new" spouse
feeling that they are in competition with the "former" spouse. If you let
it, your entire life can become an attempt (doomed to failure, let me add)
to outdo old "whatever-her-name-was". Remember that, whatever else happened,
the "former" spouse is now part of history, and that, in a very real sense
THEY are now living in YOUR shadow. 

But you need support from your partner; if your partner constantly comments
on things that you do with "Oh, Buffy used to do that" or "That was Buffy's
favorite color too" or "Let's go back to ..mumble..; Buffy and I had so much
fun there", then you are in a race which you cannot hope to win. My suggestion 
in this case would be to "recalibrate" your partner, possibly with a large 
blunt object like a 2x4 :-).

So, my personal feeling is that you are not living in "someone's shadow" unless
you put yourself there. 

		Nigel

ps: is an ex-spouse really any different from an ex-lover? Philosophically?