[Search for users] [Overall Top Noters] [List of all Conferences] [Download this site]

Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

61.0. "Too Close for Comfort?" by NANOOK::SCOTT (Looking towards the sun) Sun Sep 07 1986 20:06

   	First of all, I want to say to all of you, thanks.  I've found all
    of you to be an open and close group of friends.  When I joined this
    conference, I really didn't know what to expect.  I figured I would
    be some time before contributing to the conference, but as you know
    I've become somewhat active.  I would even go so far as to say you
    all have influenced and changed me in some way (I think for the better).
    I feel one's mind is broadened when opened up to others and that never
    hurts.

	The reason I first joined HUMAN_RELATIONS is because of my future
    goal in life.  That goal is to retire in about 10 years and take up
    the full time life of sailing.  I don't know if it will ever come
    about but it's something to work for.  We all need dreams and goals
    don't we?  Ten years is still a long way off and I keep in mind that
    situations change, so I'll remain flexible.  I do hope I can some day
    share this dream with someone close to me.  This then brings up my
    topic:

	If all of you would close your eyes for a couple of minutes
    and picture yourself with your Spouse or SO living in very close
    quarters.   Why significant other?  "Other" doesn't seem like an 
    appropriate description for one who should be so significant.

	Also consider the two of you and maybe your offspring
    together for an extended period of time confined to this very
    close space.  Your situation would be some what akin to being locked
    up in one room for a month or two at a time without being able to
    get away from each other.  You can't just get up and go talk to a
    another friend.  You don't have the ability to walk water (Maybe Steve's
    lucky being an eagle, they can fly - but do eagles get sea sick?).
    You have living quarters which very much borders on being claustrophobic.
    Did I say Borders?  For many it is.

	Questions: (some don't have to be answered but at least thought
		about,  others may bring up more questions.)

	How close do you feel you have to be with your family before
    you begin your voyage?  

	How do you think you would cope with the normal every day family
    situations,  ie: needing time for yourself, needing time with your
    spouse away from the children, quarrels, arguments.  Do you define
    your own space and set time aside for yourself?  Do you set up some
    very definite rules or just guidelines?  What do you think they might
    be?

	There are other factors which I might throw in.  Consider
    not seeing land for a month.  That is stress itself for most everyone.
    You begin to feel very insignificant when you realize how large
    our world really is.  When you get caught in a strong gale or hurricane
    which may last for up to 3 weeks,  you begin to realize how powerless
    you really are.  This is just a couple of emotional forms of stress.
    What others might be aroused?  How would you cope?

	I'm sure you might have some questions of me on this topic
    so here's a couple I've anticipated.

	First - I don't plan to go out and build a boat and just take off.
    That is inviting total disaster.  I figure there should be a number
    of years that the family should spend together taking first short
    weekend trips and working up to summer trips. Finally, taking a couple
    of extended trips which would confine you to 2 to 3 weeks without
    sight of land.  All one step at a time.

	Second -What if?  What if your family finds it too much?  My
    only answer to that is I am remaining open minded and flexible.  If
    it's too much then the only answer in my mind is "You don't go".  You
    change your plans and goals. I do realize this has to be a total
    commitment on everyone's part but for the topic, let's consider the
    commitment to be there and we're on our way to the South Pacific!

	This might seem to apply to sailing at first, but I think it
    also applies to every day life.  I've spent about two years thinking
    about it in some form or another so please give it some thought.
    As this topic might develop, I'll put in my thoughts too whether
    they might be right, wrong, or so far out in left field.  Maybe
    I need to start formulating what my ideal companion might be.

"Tomorrow may rain, so - I'll follow the sun"

    Lee
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
61.2The family that sails together...MMO01::PNELSONlonging for TopekaMon Sep 08 1986 03:0940
    I know what I want to say, but whether I can verbalize it is another
    question:  here goes.
    
    First of all, this question is of interest to me partly because
    I am a person who generally needs a great deal of space, probably
    more than most people.  And secondly because I love sailing more
    than any activity I've ever done, well *almost* (-;.
    
    I, like Suzanne in .1, believe you don't have to have physical
    separation to give someone the space they need.  For me, part of it is
    just knowing someone and being totally comfortable with them. One of
    the most stressful things I know of is spending a long period of time
    with someone you don't know all that well, worrying about inadvertantly
    offending them with something you say, always being on guard.  On the
    other hand, being with someone who doesn't make you squirm when the
    conversation lapses for a long pause, someone with whom you are totally
    at ease, is quite relaxing, at least to me.  Lee, I think you covered
    rule number 1 when you indicated you wouldn't just go off to sea with
    someone till you had "tested the waters" so to speak by spending time
    with the person and even going on extended sailing trips. 
    
    Now, I'm about to start theorizing because I've never spent a long time
    cooped up on a boat with anyone.  But I have sailed for years. I hardly
    remember a time when there wasn't *SOMETHING* that needed doing to the
    boat.  It's not like you just sit there and look at each other for days
    on end.  The squall you mentioned would be a real adventure for the two
    of you to share, and what a feeling to come through it unscathed!!!  I
    daresay there wouldn't be a boring moment, that's for sure!  It just
    seems to me that there would be plenty of time to spend, if not
    physically alone, at least mentally alone while the other person is
    taking care of the literally hundreds of duties that have to be
    performed on a boat. 
    
    Like I said, I've never done this, so what I'm saying is just
    speculation.  But with the right two people and with the proper
    planning I don't see why a relationship couldn't flourish under
    those circumstances, and emerge from the adventure stronger than
    ever because of the intense experiences that were shared.
    
    							Pat 
61.3Reading SuggestionsTSE::GRAYBruce Gray, Test Sys Eng, TWOTue Sep 16 1986 04:1216
    Being a sailor, you probably already read "Cruising World" magazine,
    but if not, check it out.  They often have articles by and about
    people who take extended cruises.  Often these are more on a nuts
    and bolts theme, but some offer advice on how to handle people
    relations in the confines of a boat.  Also, through the magazine
    you might be able to correspond with others on this topic.
    
    Also, you might want to read a couple of books by William F. Buckley,
    who has done a couple of trans-Atlantic trips.  (One of them is
    "Airborne" and I don't remember the other title.)  I found them to
    be enjoyable reading and he does touch on relationships among the
    crew members.
    
    Good luck with your dream - I hope it can become a reality for you.
    
    Bruce
61.4"Mr. Christian, I wish to see you on the Quarterdeck."SWSNOD::RPGDOCDennis the MenaceTue Sep 16 1986 13:0135
    Back in the early '70s, when I was working on Beacon Hill and dreaming
    of chucking it all and sailing around the world on my twelve foot
    sloop, a converted North Sea sailing trawler put into Boston Harbor
    and word went round that it was manned by a floating commune on
    its way to the South Pacific.  I went down with a friend at lunchtime
    to chat them up at the dockside and upon showing serious interest
    was invited back for a communal supper.
    
    Well, aside from the fact that their idea of organic, macrobiotic
    rations would have caused a mutiny on Old Ironsides, I quickly realized
    that, no way, could I ever spend any length of time at sea with
    these people.  They were altogether too serious.  They all ate together
    in one big mess (non-salts read dining room) in what had been the
    fish hold.  They slept in an assortment of separate cabins with
    their SOs (I don't think they were called that then, but it was
    a definite male/female pairing that implied "we only need each other").
    
    At that time in my life I was a rather exuberant type who tended
    to shuffle along with a Chaplineque gait whilst audibly diddling Irish 
    tunes.  They probably would have fed me to the fishes before we'd
    passed Provincetown.
    
    Needless to say, I did not sign articles, but within the year I
    had left my job and moved to Washington D.C., where I read in the
    newspapers of the fate of the floating commune.  They had made it
    as far as the Carolinas or thereabouts when they just couldn't get
    along together anymore and they all split up.  The vessel was the
    "Tangaroa".  Maybe if I had gone with them, I could have lightened
    them up a bit, but I doubt it.
    
    A long voyage together on a small boat can be a lot of work, both
    in sailing the boat, and doing the dishes, and taking the head apart
    when it backs up, but if there isn't a fair ration of fun it can
    get pretty grim in the long haul.  Choose your mates well.
     
61.5getting there ?HANNAH::OSMANsee HANNAH::IGLOO$:[OSMAN]ERIC.VT240Thu Sep 10 1992 15:006
Hi Lee.  it's about six years later since your dream in .0 about sailing.
Are you feeling closer to that retire-in-ten goal ?  I'm just curious.

/Eric