Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    My parents were far from perfect, dad was an alcoholic anf mom a
    severely insecure neurotic. Dad's idea of discipline was the backhand
    closed fist and barber strop. There were timea when mom had to pull
    him off of me. They also used psychological headgames on me.
    
    If I misbehaved in any way, there was an orphanage run by nuns near
    our house. My parents told me (from 4-6 years old) that the kids
    lived in cages and were beaten regularly fed bread and water, etc.
    Well one form of discipline was dad packing a duffle bar with my
    stuff and dragging me to the car to give me away to the orphenage.
    This can really wreak havoc on a 4-6 year old. My parents did not
    want a normal kid but an automaton who always did the right thing.
    My parents were raised the same way and were rigid, uptight folks.
    
    After beatings mom and dad would tell me it was all right and to
    just forget that anything happened, I never got beaten; I'de get
    a whipping, then get treated to ice cream. How did I cope? By
    withdrawing, nightmares, being extremely nervous and edgy, etc.
    
    About 8.5 years ago I had a breakdown, after 31 years of buried
    guilt, catholic dogma, buried rage (only grownups could get mad),
    etc, etc, etc.
    
    Dad and I made our peace with each other before he died, mom is
    still full of guilt and denial. How do I react today? Well after
    the breakdown, there was much hard work. the therapist told me that
    he was amazed that I made it at all, but I'm much better off than
    a lot of folks.
    
    Today I don't want kids and really don't lik'em. When I was in 
    therapy the therapist told me it was probaly because I never
    much felt that I was liked as a kid. Discipline becomes abuse when
    it's excessive for the misbehavior. When a kid spills his milk
    and the mother beats him/her until they have black eyes and are
    bruised, then it's abuse, the parent is out of control, when the
    parent feels powerless in a threatening world (and it is) and takes
    it out on an offspring, then it's abuse!
    
    
                                         Later, Ray

    Does anyone have any data on patterns of unconscious abuse?  Things
    where the parent doesn't realize the impact of their behavior on
    the child - Are oldest and youngest more vulnerable - is there more
    problem on same gender or opposite gender pairs?
    
    I am assuming that abuse is defined as something harmful and the
    definition is not restricted to the images projected in the current
    media blitz, like battered or sexually abused.
   

    
    
     I realized I was abused when I watched a TV movie with Cherly Ladd..
     it depicted abuse as Cheryl (as the mother) yelling and screaming
     at her daughter all the time.   After I saw this, I realized for
     the first time that Abuse doesn't always show itself as black and
     blue marks from getting hit:
    
     Abuse can be verbal, and the effects of emotional abuse are tuff
     to deal with just like physical abuse.  I know that growing up
     I lived through emotional abuse, just as my mother before me did.
    
     My mother is still an angry, hostile, critical, uphappy woman who
     is not able to get past her past.  She still needs to learn to
     like herself.  Seeing her, and knowing the things I've had to work
     through, makes me feel real sad that abuse happens.  Unfortunately
     it happens alot.  
    
     Because abuse is pictured in many people's minds as bruises only,
     I feel that many are unaware that they have suffered from abuse.
     I know I was unaware for a long time.  But, I'm really thankful
     that I am aware, and that I can learn to deal with it in a positive
     manner.
    
    

re; < Note 34.8 by ANGORA::GOODMAN >

>     My mother is still an angry, hostile, critical, unhappy woman who
>     is not able to get past her past.  

How do you deal with her?  My mom's all of these things, too, as well as 
manipulative, and I find that dealing with her, at all, really wrecks me (she 
completely depletes my energy and my patience).

Meredith

    Some general thoughts, no answers:
    
    A relationship is an equation, A<=>B.  You're A, your parent is B,
    and you've worked out a way of relating that balances the equation.
    As a child, you can't do much about changing the equation, except
    in a defensive way.  Your parent sets the rules, and you react to
    them. 
    As an adult, you have power over your side of the equation.  You
    can add another factor X to your side: A+X <=> B
    and that will force your parent to alter their side of the equation
    too, because it's got to balance.  Your choice of X is up to you.
    It might be moving to California and never seeing your parent again.
    Perhaps better though, is to recognize the bad patterns and then to 
    refuse to buy into them any longer.  That is NOT easy to do....
    
    I think the main thing is to realize that you are in charge of your
    own life, and to do what you need to do to heal yourself (counseling,
    or whatever).  When you are whole and strong, it's easier to deal
    with parents...at least it was for me.

    
    I'll now add my $.02.   I could stand the phsycal abuse as it was
    infrequent from my mother.  To this day I cannot take verbal abuse
    in any subtle way.  It has taken me years (35) to realize that the
    constant rehashing of the family history was abuse.  For me I am
    sensitized (as in react badly) to indifference.  I am a goal driven
    person and the goals in my life were obviously chosen to be visible
    so I could show my parents I did good.  Instead the response was
    frequently of the form that "at least you didn't screw up like ....".
    
    What was unfortunate is my father was also an abused person in this
    family. A result was the loss of a primary role model.  None of
    these issues were resolved while my parents were alive so it still
    part of my life.  I am the lucky one, my brothers were more deeply
    affected.  
    
    I agree with others abuse does not have to show as burns and scars.
    I do bleed inside, despite mental bandaids.  I am now in a support
    group and will seek counciling.  Looking back I never considerd
    myself as abused.
    
    John
    
    

        
         She had to toil beyond her parents expectations that 
    day when she left the therapists office.  Her body in thralldom
    to her bike, her mind in asunder.  The connecting trains fo thought
    and modes of feelings, she had only experienced at this magnitude
    once before.  The outcome then was an attempted suicide.
    
         She was frenetic with anger when she left, but she wasn't 
    sure why.  All she could manage to repeat while biking was;
    
         "shit, it isn't going to work!  Why the hell am I here."
    
         Her all too familar fatique had returned.  The shield that
    conjured up and depicted scenes of having won this battle before
    was not merely broken this time, but felt shattered.  She asked
    herself which was being rejected her or her writing, and was there
    a difference.  She yelled at herself, this was not time for 
    intellectualizing.  The intruded order she had been struggling with
    no longer made a difference.  Now the fatal flaw of humanity played
    havoc with her mental stability.
    
         Her therapis didn't actually say writing wasn't going to work
    did she?  Perhaps she meant writing wouldn't be enough.  Passing
    the swallow, all thoughts stopped, she had already biked twenty miles.
    Tipping her helmet up in disbelief she saw the all american sighn,
    McDonlad's 5 miles.  She had gon this far she might as well go all
    the way.
    
         She had reviewed in her mind what she thought about seeing
    Kathy for the very first time.  Suffering was a private matter and
    there was to be no invasion of it, yet she had risked sharing it
    all with Kathy, in writing.  Now she understood to be getting the
    message that writing wasn't going to work.
    
         She wonderd what it would be like, or would have been like,
    if she had never written anything down about her life, her feelings.
    She contemplated for the next three miles.  God, it would be a 
    thoughtless quality of life.
    
         For the first time since she had left, she stopped peddling.
    Her invalid figure tryed to walk majesticaly to the bridge;
    
         "A thoughtless quality of life. . . . .  No, nobody could live
    a thoughtless quality of life, could they??"
    
         Leading her bike by the handlebars, she gazed at the bridge
    with an idea in her countenance; she might as well go all the way
    . . . . .
    
         She relaxed limply when she looked over and attempted a feeble
    smile.  She thought about it again, it sounded preposterous to jump
    because it was not a sure solution.  There was that 50/50
    probability she had learned in statistics.  Her mouth and eyes had
    solemnly drawn down; she wish she hadn't survived.  Mud squelching
    between her fingers from the downpoor she yelled;
    
         "I hate you! Do you hear me. I hate you!"
    
        But she was deliriously confused because she still didn't
    understand who she was mad at or who she hated.  She go back
    on her bike for fear that somebody would hear her and think she
    to be cazy.
    
        It seemed that the only social intercourse that was tolerable
    by her mother's standards was for her to "be quiet and do what 
    you are told! Do you hear me!"
    
         She had let her stepfather hurt her time and time again.  Be
    quiet and do what your are told, and she had.  Perhaps her mother
    was right she was lightly endowed with brains.  But she remembered
    being defiant once.  It was a painful memory, too painful to relive
    on her bike.  She compuslsively turned back to the bridge.  She
    didn't have to relive the pain, she could ride out in front of the
    red Mack truck she was about to pass.  It frightend her, she was
    serious about riding in front of the fucking truck.  She yelled
    "NO! No! No! a million times and that scared her even more.  She
    had never yelled into nothingness before.  At least she convinced
    herself not to ride in front of the truck.  The bridge was suddenly
    there again and she remembered why she was back.  She wished
    she hadn't survived her first attempted susicide.
    
         She couldn't understand how something that happened at seven
    could still be vividly relived.  And why the hell was she reliving
    the pain  now, when nobody was around.  There was another person
    inside her, still enslaved by her parents, 
    
       "just be quiet and do what your are told."
    
         It didn't sound so preposterous for her to jump anymore, she
    was hurting too much to care.  She covered her face, her eyelids
    dropped only to be foreced open by the tears gliding to freedom
    down her face.
    
    
       
      This story is not really about suicide but rather about how
    people have to deal with abuse well into adulthood. I have found
    that the most painful part of abuse for me is understanding and
    learning that my parents were wrong and that what when on in my parents
    house was wrong. What did I do to deserve it all will be a question
    that I will be dealing with all my life.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    THE RIGHT TO INNOCENCE - Healing the Trauma of Childhood 
    Sexual Abuse, by Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C., foreword by 
    Eleanor Hamilton, PH.D.  $17.95 in hardcover, Pub. 1989

    "By some estimates, one in three American women and one
    in seven American men are victims of childhood sexual
    abuse.  No childhood trauma is more widespread or has 
    a more devastating impact."

    "But, in the last few years, healthcare professionals and
    psychotherapists have begun to discover methods for 
    healing the deep and lasting damage that these innocent
    victims have suffered.  When the anguish, guilt, and 
    fear felt at the time of the trauma are held in and
    go untreated, they become compounded with tragic conse-
    quences that include:  feelings of worthlessness and
    self-hatred; difficulty in trusting others; involvement with
    partners who are physically, verbally, or emotionally
    abusive; sexual dysfunction and lack of sexual desire;
    problems with gender identity and sexual promiscuity;
    anger, depression, extreme fears and phobias, nightmares,
    and insomnia; and inclinations toward abusiveness to 
    others and oneself."


    This book explains and maps out a recovery program for
    healing childhood sexual abuse.  The author has had over
    15 years of experience in working with abuse victims/
    survivors and is herself a survivor.

    
    justme....jacqui

    	I am now 51 yrs. of age, and the fear which caused me to shu
    off emotions and people for 46 years was caused by physical abuse
    combined with loss of both parents at age 4. I didn't know of the
    abuse until a few months ago, when, at the urging of my therapist,
    I contacted extended family members to ask them  about that period
    in my life.
    
    	The scars will heal now, and I WILL restore sanity in my life
    with the help of so many people and a Higher Power (GOD).
    
    	In Emotions Anonymous, so many people share about the mess their
    lives have been because of childhood traua - physical abuse, sexual
    abuse, or both. Many have just now, after 30 o rmore years of thrashing
    come to seek help.
    
    	There is no easy answer - the victims do have support systems
    available - therapy. E.A., Spirituality, Friends such as the wonderful
    people in this conference who have reached out to me in such a warm
    and
    supportive spirit.
    
    	What the victims must focus on, is recovery, not self pity -
    it is not easy, but it is achievable. The past hurts must be examined
    with an adult's intelligence, to displace the fear lurking inside
    with the realization that the danger has passed, but the past should
    not be dwelt upon in such a mood as to prolong the misery.
    
    	As I have received so much help, I also hope to help others
    as best I can - so if you or an acquaintance need someone to share
    with, someone who can relate, and offer a message of hope - please
    do let me know.
    
    	The perpetrators ? Sick and not much being done about them -
    all the talk of government programs to help children in situations
    of abuse is great, but the talk must be backed up with actions,
    which seems to be lacking today. With the increase of drug abuse
    by parents, child abuse is increasing rather than decreasing.
    
    	As my new personal name signifies, the teardrops of the past
    will not dry up and go away, but we must live beyond them with the
    knowledge that the past hurts can not be repeated.
    
    	Regards to all ...
    
    		Guy B.
    
    

    Re. -.1:
    
    Guy,
    
    Having been a battered and abused wife with battered, abused, molested
    or raped children, I have learned that the past must be a guidepost,
    not a hitching post.  Rather than dwell on the past, I've done my
    best to use it to my advantage.  I've learned a lot about compassion
    and empathy.  I've learned to be courageous and stand up for myself,
    my children and other abused people.  I've done my best to never
    let it happen to my family or anyone I know ever again.  Because
    of the horrors of the past, I have learned to face the future without
    fear.  You can do this too, Guy!  Use the past as a stepping stone
    to a better tomorrow that you have the power to change.  My thoughts
    and good wishes are with you.
    
    Many Hugs,
    Barb

    RE -1
    
    Barb -
    
    	Thank you for the encouragement and the sharing, my heart goes
    out to you. You have really been through the mill, and your recovery
    is so admirable.
    
    	Warm hugs and best wishes
    
    		Guy .
    

    Michael Lew writes in Victims No Longer (male victims of sexual abuse)
    
    that there are an estimated 40 million American adults who have been
    the victim of sexual abuse. Of these 40 million adults, he estimates
    that 15 million are men.

 Many men feel a sense of shame for somehow 'letting' it happen. It
 is - If I may be so presumptuous - difficult for men to talk about
 sexual abuse, in part, due to the emotional connection to the deviant
 behavior. Men sometimes will experience erections and therefor blame
 themselves because the obvious physical response indicated that they
 wanted it to happen. 

 To complicate the matter further, there is a tremendous gray area which
 is subjective. Beyond the obvious behavior that all will consider abuse,
 there is alot of behavior that 'causes' the victim to feel abused.
 Abuse, in this noters opinion, is in the eyes of the child.     
    
 My own personal experiences have been most difficult
 to sort out due to the never-ending cycle of trying to sort out the
 meaningless (in terms of abuse)displays of affection and sexual
    exploitation that made me ashamed and deviant.
    
    I must admit that my contributions in these notes have been scarce
    but these last few days have touched my very essence. 
    
    Rick-who-is-still-getting-used-to-exposing-himself   
    
    

    <due to the emotion connection to the deviant behavoir>
    It is difficult for men -and women- to talk about sexual abuse for many
    many reasons. For some, i'm sure the reason is the emotion connection
    to the deviant behavior. It may also be connected to the fact that 95%
    of all sexual abusers -of both males and females- are men. (Michael Lew)
    There is a grotesque irony to the fact that it seems somehow worse to
    TALK about abuse, that to ABUSE. 
    There is a recent book by Dr. Judith Herman Father/Daughter Incest. In
    it she talks about Freud's development of understanding of the dynamics
    of women through his work with female hysterics. As I recall from
    Herman, Freud found incest in all but one of his female hysteric (NOT
    HYSTERICAL) patients. He was so unwilling to accept the possibility of
    fathers having incest with daughters, that he decided they had all
    FABRICATED the incest. He was also apparently unable or unwilling to
    explore his own fantasies concerning his daughter ANNA. So Freud's
    entire understanding of the psychodynamics of women -particularly with
    respect to the OEDIPAL conflict- was based on an inability to accept
    their well-documented reports that they had been victims of sexual
    abuse.
    According to Herman, real public recognition of INCEST and other sexual
    abuse did not get any meaningful public scrutiny until the 1970s as a
    result of the women's movement.

    The deviant behavior part of the equation may not be the source
    of the greatest difficulty.
    
    It seems that the self-blaming comes because the perpetrators of
    sexual abuse are almost always someone the child is supposed to
    be able to trust and respect as an authority figure... an older
    person, parent, uncle, sibling, teacher, minister, etc.  Since this
    kind of person is supposed to be good and to be concerned for the
    child's welfare, and is doing this thing, and the child feels him
    or herself responding, even though it feels wrong, the victim has
    to create a reason why this is happening.  Since this grown up can't
    be seen as bad, it must all be because the child wants it... and
    is bad....
    
    One of the reason that Freud was able to turn those cases into his
    Oedipal theory (which by the way blames the "fantasies" on the child's
    perversity) is that the victims thought themselves to be bad for
    what had happened to them.
    
    For men there is a good pamphlet available in some of the bookstores
    that specialize in "recovery" literature and spiritual books.  It's
    called "A Male Grief: Notes on Pornography and Addiction," by David
    Mura.  If you have buried some abusive experience in your past,
    or rationalized it in some way, this booklet *will* open things
    up for you, so I'd suggest that you be working your stuff some other
    way... with a counsellor or some such.
    
    Just as rape is more a crime of violence than a sex crime, child
    abuse is more a criminal abuse of an authority/dependency relationship
    than a sex crime, and it is this that is the part that becomes the
    source of the buried damage.

The following reply has been contributed by a member of our community who
wishes to remain anonymous.  If you wish to contact the author by mail, please
send your message to QUARK::HR_MODERATOR, specifying the relevant note number.
Your message will be forwarded with your name attached unless you request
otherwise.
				Steve

				




I wasn't going to enter this note.  

It's too close, and it'll say to people, "Look, here is this person who's
really twisted."  Well, I'm *not* twisted!  Or, maybe I am, some, but it's 
a well-coped twisted.  Notes is a good place to talk, and it's supportive
and all, but I wouldn't want people to *know*.  (Then again, that's what
anonymous notes are *for*.  Thank you, Moderators.)

Something happened to me when I was a kid.  Some one happened to me.  And 
I can't remember it, I really *can't*, but sometimes I get *scared* and I
get real *young* in my head and it's all feeling.  I've had times when I 
drop back to 2-3 years old and my voice goes high and I feel so, so helpless,
so *confused*, and I don't know WHY!  I want to know what's going *on*.  I 
want some *head*-part of this, too, I want *memories*.  How the Hell can you 
just trust *feelings* if you don't even know what you're FEELING about!!!??

(Oh, BTW.  Background-check.  I'm a man, late 20s.  As a child, I was a boy.  
Surprise.  :-)  White, upper-middle class life.)

I've been in therapy for over a year now, it started with impotence (Oh 
no!  The "I" word!  :-)  Or maybe the word *about* "I", eh?).  The very 
first woman I'd ever been romantic/caring/close with, sexual relationship
and poof-!  Shut-down and all the feelings get put at a distance.  God!  
You feel like some kind of cripple.  That got worked out, thank Heaven, but 
then the relationship went completely to shrapnel.  Sigh.  Some years it 
doesn't pay to get outta bed.  :-\

So how do you *deal* with it?  *Really*?!  Most of the people who've left notes
about this, about being abused as a child, they've said definite things.  What
do you do if there isn't anything definite?  I mean, I don't even know if 
there's anything *real* behind this.  How do you cope with the uncertainty?  
How do you learn to bloody *trust* yourself?!?  

I've got a nice family, and I'm sure there wasn't anything there.  I just feel 
good about my parents and my brother.  I thank whatever gods there be that I
*didn't* have the bad family experience that others have.  Therapy *has* shown 
me that there *was* this babysitter that, well, things were a little strange...
But I don't remember anything really *bad* about her.  All I can do is try to 
imagine things that *might* have happened, and dammit! that's not enough!

I've gone through my whole life staying away from women, staying away from 
sexual relationships.  Not too directly.  I've had women friends.  And I really
enjoy women -- I don't think they/you know just what a pleasure it is to *watch*
them/you.  Grace and curves.  It's like music, or being in the proverbial candy
store.  :-)  Enchantment, I calls it.

But I've always been. . . disinterested.  Rather, *very* interested at a 
distance, but cool up close.  You can feel things shutting down.  Like, 
friendship is okay, but attraction usually gets deftly sidestepped.  :-\
I'm *damned* if I'm gonna be like that forever!  (Literally.  I think we've 
only got this one life, so I've got to come to terms and open up and *enjoy*.) 
But what do you *do*?  I've always felt that I was just a little quiet, but 
I'm seeing now how many ways I've caged myself away from Life.  And I shouldn't
*be* caged!  *Nobody* should be caged.  

I've even talked this over with a very few close friends since it came to
light(?) -- okay, *partial* light -- in my head.  I've talked with my 
family, too, but that's hard, and they're very caring but also puzzled 
(What could have happened?  kind of thing).  It's weird -- I don't want
to talk about it with my parents because I don't want to hurt them, I
don't want them to feel responsible.  They *weren't* responsible.  It's 
like I want to be the only person that gets hurt out of this.  Gosh, I
wonder if this is where *all* the good little masochists come from?  :-)

(I forget, was Atlas abused as a child?  Howzabout Christ?  To take a really
sacriligeous view, just for amusement, if your father is God, and he's
responsible for existence, then you *definitely* have a case to make for
child abuse.  I know!  Maybe everyone alive could file a class action suit
against God charging Him with criminal neglect.  ;-)  And now that I've 
offended all the religious people in the audience. . .)

I don't know what I hope to get out of this note.  I just read the last 
reply and then *this* all came pouring out.  I'd like to know how people
with suspicions, with indefinite experiences have handled being. . . 
intruded upon, being abused.

If I admit to myself that I blocked something out, then I can't trust my
own mind.  And my mind *is* me.  Anybody know where I'm coming from?

I'd like to know that it *can* be worked through, that it doesn't arrest
you forever at child-feeling.  I want hope.  Depressing responses need not
reply.  :-)  


Thanks for listening,

re. Note 34.21                   
                        -< Reply from anonymous noter >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


>If I admit to myself that I blocked something out, then I can't trust my
>own mind.  And my mind *is* me.  Anybody know where I'm coming from?

Try to see the difference between your conscious mind and your *sub*-
conscious mind. Your conscious mind is under your control, the sub-conscious
is *not*. 

(Hint: Principles Of Management 101 : Authority and responsibility must
be equal. Or, nobody is responsible for that which they don't control)

    I'd consider hypnosis, if supported by your therapist.
    
    Marge

    Another possibility, again with the support of your therapist, would
    be to go ahead and assume that it all did happen... to just trust
    whatever it is about yourself that is telling you something happened...
    and do the therapy work with that assumption.
    
    Freud's solution to his dilemna (as in parents don't do those kinds
    of things) was to create a theory that the children made it all
    up... and when you think about it a bit, that's one way an abusive
    person perpetuates his/her control -- "you're crazy... you made
    it all up!"
    
    Well, anon., you are not crazy and you didn't make it up.  Try starting
    from there.
    
    R.
    

    I'm not a total whacko, really, but I've *seen* a hypnotist do a
    regression of several people into early childhood, and it *seemed*
    very legitimate, very thorough, and perhaps you can find a supportive
    hypnotist.  BTW, the hypnotist could also "move" the person forwards
    and backwards in time, so if they were unhappy at any point, at
    a suggestion from the hypnotist they would move to a different point
    in time for comfort's sake (or, in this case, maybe sanity's sake).
    You *may* have been through more trauma than you thought - maybe
    your psyche is protecting you.  Take your time.  Be patient.  Work
    it through a little at a time.  Oh, and if you run out of things
    to try, maybe you should get in touch with that babysitter (perhaps
    via your psych?  I'm not sure how the heck you could handle this
    tactfully, but if you hit a wall with everything else, *asking her*
    may be an option.....
    
    -Jody
    

    I totally agree with the hypnotist idea and wonder why your therapist
    didn't suggest it earlier.
    
    Best of Luck to you!  Please keep us posted on your progress.  We
    care.
    
    Barb

to anonymous:

I don't normally read this conference, but a friend pointed me here for reasons
which should become obvious in a minute.  I am an incest survivor. I can assure
you from personal experience that you can do plenty of healing without access
to your memories.  The mind has it's own way of working, and we forget for
good reasons.  When it's time for memories to return they will.  If you want, 
feel free to contact me directly and we can discuss it further.  If you are
not ready for that yet, I suggest you get either or both of two excellent books:
_The_Courage_To_Heal_ by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
_Victims_No_Longer_ by Mike Lew.

Best wishes on your path,
Don.

    In re nothing in particular.
    
    Mike Lew has a lovely statement in his book
    in talking -i think- about whether pedophiles and pederasts are
    home-sexual or hetero-sexual 
    "Saying incest and sexual abuse are matters of SEX
    is like saying that 
    hitting somebody over the head with a frying pan is COOKING"

Thanks for your thoughts.

Hypnosis, hmm?  I hadn't really thought of that seriously.  I'll bring it up 
and see what develops.   On the one hand, I think it might work.  On the other 
hand, I'm scared of what I might find.  :-(  Being scared is a real pain.

I agree with the idea of assuming that something happened and going from there.
That's what I've been trying to do.  It's hard to get past wanting to *know*,
though.

Jody, I've thought about getting in touch with the babysitter.  I'm real
reluctant.  The last time I saw her was over ten years ago, during a visit to 
that area.  Hadn't seen her before then for several years.  During this visit 
(my Mom, my brother, and I), she was talking about things like how the old 
women in the apartment below kept tying string across the stairs to trip her.  
I think she could be crazy.  I can foresee a very unsatisfying confrontation, 
with a lot of denial.  Gaaaaahh.  I don't know.  I'm scared.  

Thanks for the support, for the kind words.  

It has helped.  

These questions were taken from an article w/o permission in CHANGES.  The 
next reply to this note will be the article.

	Taken from: Incest - Learning to Remember by Libbe S. HaLevy

	Are you an incest Survivor?  Only you can tell, and you may not 
know the answer right now.  But there are clues to be uncovered, if one is 
brave enough to track them down.  Ask yourself the following questions:

1.  Do you not remember large portions of your childhood?

2.  Are you more than 50 pounds overweight?

3.  Have you worked on your recovery in Program and/or therapy and still,  
you don't make sense to yourself?

4.  Is exercise either avoided completely or compulsive?

5.  Are you afraid to be as beautiful/handsome as you know you can be?

6.  Do you compulsively underachieve or overwork?

7.  Does sex make no sense to you?

8.  Do you compulsively pick at your skin, creating blemishes even when 
there aren't any?

9.  Are you accident-prone?

10. Do you disassociate during sex, watching yourself as if from a distance? 

11. Do you take pleasure in cutting yourself?  Do you keep special, 
favorite objects (razor blade, knife) to do the cutting?

12. Are you afraid of your anger, convinced it could kill?

13.  Are you afraid of having children or being alone around them?

14. Are you or were you a bedwetter?

15. For reasons other then marriage or divorce, have you changed your name?

16.  Do you have regular suicidal thoughts or feelings?

17. Are you impotent?

18. Do you abuse drugs and/or alcohol?

19. In your adult life, have you ever been a victim of rape or battering?

20.  Are you unable to sustain an intimate relationship?

21. Do you regularly experience migraines, gastro-intestinal disturbances 
or genito-urinary complaints?

22.  Do you have a general sense of depression that you cannot shake?

23. Are you ashamed of your body?

24.  Do you sexualize relationships even if you don't want to?

25.  Do you suffer from nightmares, insomnia or regular sleep disorders?

26.  Are you afraid to ask yourself these questions?
	
	If you have answered yes to three or more of these questions, you 
may have incest experiences buried somewhere in your past.

	      Incest - Learning to Remember 

						by Libbe S. HaLevy
						Reprinted without Permission
		
		Daddy loved his little girl
		in ways that were not right
		Footsteps near my doorway
		fed the terror in the night
		His fingers burned with secrets
		that my heart could never tell.
		It was Plain
			That Love was Pain

			Daddy - ?
			 Go to Hell

	I wrote those words the week after I first remembered my father's 
violation of my child body.  Since then I have remembered sexual assaults 
on me during infancy, childhood and teenage years by multiple members of 
my immediate family and two distant cousins.  I have also come to accept 
the word for what happened to me - "incest".

	Before we go any further, a disclaimer:  I am not a psychiatrist, 
psychologist, therapist, social worker or any sort of mental health 
professional.  What I am is a writer, with years of experience in making 
sense of my perceptions and communicating what I see and feel to others.  
I also have more than 30 years experience dealing with incest - the last 
three and a half from the perspective of recovery.  What I offer here is 
what I have experienced as truth.

	One problem incest survivors share is the inability to recognize 
their childhood experience as incest.  Webster's Dictionary reinforces the 
socially accepted and very limited concept of incest by defining it as 
"sexual intercourse between people so closely related that they are 
forbidden by law to marry".  This effectively excludes the majority of 
adults who share the incest issue.  The definition I prefer includes 
everything I have read, seen, heard or been taught about the subject:

	"Incest is a crime of power over a child that takes the form
	of sexual violation.  Incest includes suggestive or seductive 
	talk or behavior directed at a child; any unwanted or invasive 
	touching, including kissing, wrestling and tickling; non-medical
	enemas; showing a child pornography or exposing adult genitals
	to them; sexual fondling; oral sex; sodomy; and/or intercourse.

	The hallmark of incest is that the child's control of their own 
body is taken away from her or him.  The issue is power; the weapon is 
physical violation.  The end result is the destruction of a child's 
innocence and distortion of his or her developing personality.  

	Similarly, the people at Webster's (and the society they service) 
wish us to believe that perpetrators can only be blood relatives no further 
away than first cousins.  Again, an expanded definition is called for:

	Incest perpetrators may include any family members, family
	friends, neighbors, babysitters, religious leaders, teachers,
	camp counselors and other trusted caretakers.

	Blood relationship is not important; position of authority over 
a child is.

	Incest survivors develop symptomatic behaviours that can defy 
conscious explanation.  We may engage in a variety of compulsive 
behaviours, such as drug or alcohol abuse, obsessive exercise, workaholism, 
compulsive gambling or shopping.  We may develop eating disorders, and 
become severely overweight, anorexic or bulimic.  We may pick at real or 
imagined blemishes, cut ourselves, self-inflict physical damage or become 
accident prone to dramatize our hidden feelings about ourselves.  We are 
either sexually shut down or promiscuous; during sex we tend to 
disassociate, watching ourselves as if from a distance instead of being 
fully involved in the moment.  We keep secrets, even when it is not 
necessary to do so.  We avoid parenthood and children.  We may struggle 
against the compulsion to perpetrate - and may already have become 
perpetrators ourselves.

	As you read this, you may be experiencing a number of reactions.  
You might feel queasy, nauseous or hostile.  It may be difficult for you to 
read through these paragraphs.  You may feel the need to sleep or a 
sudden desire to eat your way through the refrigerator.  You may have the 
urge to throw this magazine down and ignore what I have written.

	This is understandable.  There is not and never has been a taboo 
against incest, the sexual violation of our children; the taboo has been 
against the victims talking about it.  I am breaking the incest taboo by 
writing this article - and so you are, by the fact that you are reading it. 
 The subconscious doesn't take these things lightly.  By breaking the 
silence, we are together trespassing on the psychic land that we have been 
taught is poisonous, dangerous and off limits.  In truth, this forbidden 
journey maybe be the only road to our personal freedom.

	Are you an incest Survivor?  Only you can tell, and you may not 
know the answer right now.  But there are clues to be uncovered, if one is 
brave enough to track them down.  Ask yourself the following questions:

1.  Do you not remember large portions of your childhood?

2.  Are you more than 50 pounds overweight?

3.  Have you worked on your recovery in Program and/or therapy and still,  
you don't make sense to yourself?

4.  Is exercise either avoided completely or compulsive?

5.  Are you afraid to be as beautiful/handsome as you know you can be?

6.  Do you compulsively underachieve or overwork?

7.  Does sex make no sense to you?

8.  Do you compulsively pick at your skin, creating blemishes even when 
there aren't any?

9.  Are you accident-prone?

10. Do you disassociate during sex, watching yourself as if from a distance? 

11. Do you take pleasure in cutting yourself?  Do you keep special, 
favorite objects (razor blade, knife) to do the cutting?

12. Are you afraid of your anger, convinced it could kill?

13.  Are you afraid of having children or being alone around them?

14. Are you or were you a bedwetter?

15. For reasons other then marriage or divorce, have you changed your name?

16.  Do you have regular suicidal thoughts or feelings?

17. Are you impotent?

18. Do you abuse drugs and/or alcohol?

19. In your adult life, have you ever been a victim of rape or battering?

20.  Are you unable to sustain an intimate relationship?

21. Do you regularly experience migraines, gastro-intestinal disturbances 
or genito-urinary complaints?

22.  Do you have a general sense of depression that you cannot shake?

23. Are you ashamed of your body?

24.  Do you sexualize relationships even if you don't want to?

25.  Do you suffer from nightmares, insomnia or regular sleep disorders?

26.  Are you afraid to ask yourself these questions?
	
	If you have answered yes to three or more of these questions, you 
may have incest experiences buried somewhere in your past.

	If you've had no conscious memories of incest, that does not mean 
nothing happened.  Memories rarely surface intact.  They are usually felt 
as if through a fog, or seen in fragments, that do not make sense.  The 
process of reclaiming an incest memory resembles a film of an explosion 
 run backwards - incomprehensible slivers of thought suddenly come 
together and coalesce into a clear picture.  Memories of incest can be 
triggered by a taste, touch, sound, smell, physical feeling or current 
emotional trauma..  When they come, you may try to deny them as products 
of an overactive imagination.  The truth is shown by the emotions you feel 
as you try to remember them.

	Memories of incest can surface at any time.  When a memory hits, 
the First Commandment is to *get safe* - stop the car, leave work sick, 
send guests home.  Once you are safe, let the emotions out.  Cry.  Scream 
into a pillow.  Lay on your bed, kick your feet and beat your gists in a 
tantrum.  Tear up a phone book or beat one with your fists or a rubber 
hose.  Call your therapist or a trusted friend and let them know what you 
are going through.  Get to a meeting and share. Journal.  Draw.  Above all, 
know this - that you are remembering, you are NOT back in the violation, you 
are safe, and once these emotions are discharged, this particular memory 
cannot hurt you in this way EVER AGAIN.

	By letting these emotions out, you are freeing a portion of the 
child-you to come out of hiding and integrate with the adult-you of today.  
Once the intensity of remembering has passed - and trust me, it will pass - 
it is necessary to do something to soothe the child within.  Take a hot 
bubble bath and play with a rubber duck; nap; make some cocoa; watch a 
Disney feature-length cartoon; play with a favorite stuffed animal (if you 
don't have one, buy one for your inner child as soon as possible!)  Don't 
feel you have to dwell within the memory or savage yourself for more 
details.  Once an incest memory is cracked, pieces will keep coming as long 
as your work for them - and sometimes even if you don't.  Trust the process 
and don't try to force it.

	In the course of recovery, this memory process will be repeated 
again and again.  You will get to a point where you recognize where you are 
and welcome as well as dread each new revelation.  It's nothing you don't 
already know; you're just remembering an old buried truth.  Only with this 
knowledge can we free ourselves from the incest trap and be able to live as 
our authentic adult selves.

	For those of us who have survived and begun to recover, the pain 
and the self-victimization can stop.  When you first start to deal with 
incest, it feels like falling into an endless abyss - but it's not.  What 
you are doing is walking through a tunnel.  On the other side of that 
tunnel is a light which is your true self.  I can say this because I am 
starting to see the light at the other end.  You are my light as I am yours 
- and every step you take towards recovery helps me get closer too.  We are 
in this battle together, though I do not know your name or face.  But as I 
know the truth of the violations I survived, I know that You are NOT to 
blame, it was not your fault, and finally, you are not alone.

	I totally agree that many of us (I don't think myself though) have
	been sexually abused as children.

	However, I'd like to make a technical point:  That article
	describes "incest" as what I would call "sexual child abuse".

	My understanding is that the definition of "incest" indeed includes
	only sexual activity between family members.

	Sexual abuse delivered by babysitters, teachers, or other figures
	of authority is certainly abuse, or molestation, but I don't think
	it's "incest".

/Eric

    re -1:  Technically correct; however, in much of the literature,
    the two terms (incest and child sexual abuse) are used inter-
    changably. One possible reason: the word "incest" has an emotional
    impact far stronger than the phrase "child sexual abuse."
    
    					andrew

    Re .32 Technically correct, of course, but not very relevant to
    treating the victims of such abuse.
    
    No longer speaking to the comments of .32 ...
    
    For those who are interested in a different view of INCEST there is a
    discussion in 728. Is Incest Always Bad?. This topic(34.*) is clearly
    about abuse and therefore "bad incest"
    
    The following is taken (without permission) from Mike Lew's book
    Victims No Longer.

    From his point of view the VIOLATION that is most significant is the
    violation of trust not the violation of blood
    
    "Incest is a particular manifestation of sexual child abuse. The
    traditional definition of incest is sexual abuse between blood
    relatives. The degree of closeness that is necessary to constitute an
    incestuous union has been  variously defined by different societies. In
    all cultures that I am aware of, sexual activity between parent and
    child and between siblings is viewed as incestuous and is prohibited."

    "The definition of incest that I us in my clinical practice (and in
    this book) is more inclusive. It is a definition shared in large
    measure by therapists who work with issues of sexual abuse, and by
    support organizations of icest survivors,. Sex between blood relatives
    is one part of this larger, more inclusive view of incest.  Incest is a
    violation of a position of trust, power and protection. It differs from
    other forms of sexual abuse in tha the perpetrator is asumed to stand
    in a protective (parental) rol to the victim. The very person that the
    child should be able to turn to for care, comfort and understanding
    violates that trust by sexualizing the relationship. For this to be a
    traumatic experience, it is not necessary that the "parenting" figure
    be a family member.  Children naturally trust those adults who are
    closest to them- until there is reason not to.  Sexual exploitation by
    an older caretaker is by my definition incestuous because it destroys
    that natural trust.  This is true whether the perpetrator is a relative
    by blood or marriage, parent, step-parent, older sibling, neighbor,
    family friend, teacher, member f the clergy, therapist, physician,
    baby-sitter, camp counselor, etc. The results are similar. The child's
    world becomes unsafe- confusing and frightening. In order to survive,
    the child must make sense of his/her situation."

    "By focusing on incest, I have no desire to minimize the results of
    other types of sexual abuse. No matter who the abuser is, relative or
    stranger, the effects of sexual abuse on a child are always serious.
    One of the aims of this book, however, is to look at some of the
    specific consequences that result when the perpetrator is someone close
    to the child- and why the scars left by incest are especially deep and
    difficult to heal."

    Mike Lew has found the above definition to be useful in terms of
    treating his clients. He makes no attempt to define it legally, rather
    only in terms that are useful in the process of helping people who
    can identify in a common way with problems that we deal with in terms
    of such issues as trust, isolation, rage, personal abuse etc.

    As a companion book to Lew you might consider The Courage to Heal: A
    Guide for Wome Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, by Ellen Bass and Laura
    Davis.
    Also -for a somewhat more technical but still quite readable treatment-
    by the Boston area psychiatrist 
    Judith Herman M.D. Father/Daughter Incest.
    

    I sense a lot of confusion, and (in my opinion) old tapes....  
    
    Has he decided to "make up?"  If he has, who wrote the rule
    that says you have to accept it?
    
    Yes, you probably have things still inside -- is it absolutely
    necessary that he hear them?  You can release that stuff in several
    ways -- he doesn't necessarily have to be a party.
    
    Aside...
    
    A friend of mine used to be terrified of expressing her anger because
    her old tapes said:  If I feel anger toward someone I need to seek that
    person out and confront them -- in my anger -- immediately.
    
    After much conversation she realized that there were 3 steps there:
    1. Feeling the anger (or whatever feeling).
    2. Seeking out the other person and confronting them -- IF SHE CHOSE.
    3. Expressing that feeling to the other person -- IF SHE CHOSE.
    
    If you have feeling toward him, feel them.  If you need to express
    those feelings to him in person, do so -- if you choose to -- you
    don't HAVE to confront him.
    
    And -- if you choose to see him, you don't have to do it alone.
    Bring a friend, a trusted friend.  Someone who cares about you.
    
    					good luck,
    					 andrew

    

    Christopher...
    
    Just what is it that going to see him will do for:
    
    	You?
    
    	Him?
    
    	Your Mother?
    
    Will you feel better? Will he? Will she? 
    
    Can you honestly say "I forgive you for being sick..." and mean
    it? Can he honestly hear those words and believe them? If both 
    of you pretend these two things are so, will your Mom feel relieved 
    of guilt?
    
    From a thousand miles away [a not so great perspective admittedly,]
    in my little corner of the briar patch...it appears to me that you
    are being asked to "fix" things by going and doing your "duty" to
    a dieing man. Does it feel the same as being told/asked to not say
    anything about "what happened"?....It would to me.
    
    Give yourself permission to be angry. And give yourself permission
    to look out for #1 first. If you are truly uncomfortable with seeing
    this person....don't. You struggled to remove yourself from the
    physical abuse; why throw yourself into the path of mental abuse?
    
    You can't fix all this stuff just by forcing yourself to go sit
    by the bedside of a dieing person. You can't even "help" it by doing
    that. 
    
    But...
    
    If you truly *need* to see him...then please take Andrew's
    advice and take someone with you who cares for *you* first
    and the rest of the players second or not at all...
    
    Melinda

    re: .35
    
>    My mother told me Saturday that he is getting panehtol and electric
>    shock treatments ... I claim ignorance here, I know not what these
>    are or what purpose they serve.
    
     A very similar question was asked in ASDS::MEDICAL last night.  The
    following is an edited version of my reply in that conference.  I've
    changed the gender of the pronouns and modified some text for clarity.
    
    Good luck!
    
    ===========================================================================
    
    
    From the information given I can only give you a very general idea
    of what's going on.  Unfortunately, the information I can provide
    may cause more concern than answer your questions.  If you want a
    clearer picture of what's going on you will have to contact someone
    familiar with the specific case.  In particular, I could not positively
    identify the drug based on the name you provided.  Those listed below
    are simply those I could find which sound similar to the name given.
    
    The electric shock treatments are most likely what is known as
    electroconvulsive therapy (ECT).  ECT consists of brief bursts of
    electricity applied to the brain. It is used to treat patients with
    major depressive illness who do not respond to pharmacological
    antidepressant agents, cannot take the antidepressant drugs, or whose
    condition must be treated rapidly. Although ECT is the most effective
    therapy for major depressive illness, it isn't a common first-line
    therapy because of the potential for memory loss.
    
    I haven't been able to find any references to "panehtol".  A couple
    of possibilities are:
    
    (1) Pentothal (thiopental sodium) - a barbituate used as a surgical
    	anesthetic, an anticonvulsant, and in narcoanalysis - a form of
    	psychotherapy in which light anesthesia is induced and the patient
    	is encouraged to talk about experiences which would ordinarily be
    	surpressed.
    
    (2) Pamelor (nortriptyline HCl) - a tricyclic antidepressant
    
    (3) Panadol - acetaminophen (the same drug as Tylenol)
    
    (4) panthenol (Ilopan) - a derivative of a B-complex vitamin; used to
    	stimulate gastrointestinal motility.

    RE: .39
    
    >> "Well, I'm not Christopher, ..."
    
    Very well said ... you are not me
    PLEASE don't answer for me
    
    
    Thank you Andrew, Melinda and Jerry for the things to ponder
    
    __Christopher

    Christopher,

    	Whether or not you confront him or not is less important than how
    you REALLY feel about a confrontation. Do you really feel you should or
    do you feel that that sort of action is 'expected' of you. Try to go
    within an find the inner truth on this one.

    	If you decide not to confront him in person, or have the
    opportunity taken from you if he passes away, I would recommend that at
    some time of your choice, you sit down and write him a letter. Open you
    heart and  feelings, don't hold back, give him both barrels, 'good,
    bad, or indifferent'. The important part is the sitting down and getting
    in touch with your feelings. It is not necessary to mail the letter or
    even have him aware that it was written. This approach does work as a
    method of 'putting things to rest'.

    	In spite of all the suggestions, etc., it will be you which will
    have to make something happen. I wish you well, it can work.

    eric

				HEALING A SECRET
				by Steven Raichlen
    from the Boston Sunday Globe magazine section Sept 24,1989
                  (without permission)

    	Margaret doesn't remember her first sexual experience very clearly.
    She thinks it went something like this: "I am wearing a dress and standing
    in the living room. A man is standing next to me. Suddenly I am on the
    couch, and he is lying beside me. When he finishes what he is doing, he
    shoves me off the couch and lurches drunkenly out of the room. I don't know
    exactly what I did wrong, but it seems as if he is angry with me.

    	If Margaret's recollection of the event is hazy, this is
    understandable. She was 4 years old at the time. The memory causes her
    enormous pain. The drunken man was her father.
    	Margaret is now 53 and lives in Arlington. (Unless otherwise indicated,
    incest survivors will be identified only by first name.)
    She is one of as many as 30 million Americans who were sexually abused as
    children. In her recent book THE RIGHT to INNOCENCE, Beverly Angel
    estimates that about one in three girls and one in seven boys are sexually
    molested before the age of 18. Every day, the Child Help U.S.A. Hotline
    receives an average of 60 calls about sexual and other child abuse.
    	Incest is one of society's most shameful secrets - and one of our most
    pervasive crimes. In 1963 the Massachusetts Department of Social Services
    received 3,590 reports of child sexual abuse. By 1988 that figure had
    skyrocketed to 6,192. (According to DSS spokeswoman Lorraine Carli, 1,248
    of the 1983 reports and 2,555 of the 1988 reports were substantiated by
    investigation.) Angel maintains that 85 percent of child sexual abuse takes
    place with a family member or friend in the family home.
    	Only during the past decade have Americans begun to talk frankly about
    incest. It has been the subject of hundreds of newspaper and magazine
    articles and dozens of radio and television talk shows. As a result, more
    and more incest victims have come forward, and the medical and counseling
    professions have been making a major effort to promote healing of the
    emotional and, in some cases, physical damage that incest victims have been
    harboring.
    	If you have the misfortune to have been a victim of child sexual abuse,
    the Boston area is an excellent place to live. Boston therapists were among
    the first in the nation to recognize the long-term problems associated with
    incest. In 1981 Dr. Judith Herman, psychiatric director of the Women's
    Mental Health Collective in Somerville, wrote a groundbreaking treatise
    called Father-Daughter Incest. Therapist Mike Lew of Newton wrote Victims
    No Longer, the nation's first book about men recovering from incest. Since
    1972, the Women's Center in Cambridge has provided a referral service for
    female survivors. (In this article the word "survivor" is used for an adult
    who was sexually abused as a child.) Cambridge is also the home of a
    newsletter for female survivors, called For Crying Out Loud.
    	Three years ago, Lew began looking for a male survivor group to which
    he could refer his clients. Unable to find one anywhere in New England, he
    resolved to start his own. "I sent a flyer to other therapists and human
    service agencies and settled in for what I expected would be a long wait."
    In a matter of weeks, Lew filled two groups, and there is a waiting list for
    a third.
	The Boston area has since become a major center of healing for incest
    survivors. In February 1987, for instance, a 38-year old incest victim
    named Keith heard Lew's discussion of male victims of incest. Keith was
    watching Oprah Winfrey with friends in Cleveland, and Lew was a guest.
    Keith regards this as a turning point in his life. Within two months, he
    had moved to Boston and joined done of Lew's groups for male survivors.
    	The most active group in the Boston area is Survivors of Incest
    Anonymous, part of a nationwide self-help organization modeled on
    Alcoholics Anonymous. The national organization was founded by two women
    from St. Cloud, Minnesota, in 1981. Today there are seven weekly meetings in
    Amherst, Framingham, Northampton, on Martha's Vineyard, and in Nashua, New
    Hampshire. There are two meetings a week exclusively for male survivors and
    three meetings a week for women.
    	Another prominent group in New England is Looking Up, based in Augusta,
    Maine. It was founded in 1983 by 33-year old incest survivor Gayle Woodsum. 
    The first year, Looking Up operated out of Woodsum's living room on a
    budget of $500. Last year, the organization raised $230,000 and is included
    in the governor's budget, the only such organization with state funding in
    the United States. Looking Up has been responding to more than 1,000 calls
    a month from as far away as Israel and Australia, a 1,200 percent increase
    in two years. Woodsum has crisscrossed the country, training teachers,
    human-service workers, and clergy members.
    	Twice a year Looking Up publishes a literary journal, The Looking Up
    Times, in which survivors share their feelings - many for the first time-
    in poetry, prose, and illustrations. The organization also publishes The
    Survivor Resource Chronicle, offering information on conferences,
    workshops, and therapists, as well as editorials and news. Other Looking Up
    activities include a nature survival program for women, annual retreats for
    men and women, support counseling and consultation, and a trust fund for
    survivors in crisis. "The survivors themselves teach us how to help them"
    says Woodsum. "That's what we're all about."

    WEBSTER'S defines incest as "sexual intercourse between persons too closely
    related to marry legally." For mental health workers and incest self-help
    groups, this definition is too narrow. Survivors of Incest Anonymous
    considers incest "a sexual encounter by a family member or by an extended
    family member that damaged the child." Brighton-based psychotherapist
    Krishnabai calls it "a violation of a child's sexual boundaries by a person
    of greater authority or power." For Mike Lew, it is "a violation of a
    position of trust, power, and protection by sexual exploitation."
	The important issues here are power and trust. Every child needs to be
    loved and protected. Incest violates the trust children have in the adults
    who are supposed to take care of them. "It's about anger, hostility, and
    domination." Sex is simply the means by which the abuser demonstrates his
    or her control and power.
    	Incest is not confined to sexual intercourse. Ellen, a 32-year-old
    Atlanta woman, remembers her father watching her take showers. Betsy, 39,
    from New Jersey, recalls her father performing oral sex on her while her
    mother looked on. Sarah, 26, from Long Island, was taught by her father how
    to masturbate when she was 12. According to author Beverly Angel, incest
    can include nudity, disrobing, genital exposure, kissing, fondling, digital
    penetration, or sodomy. It doesn't matter whether the attack occurs once or
    repeatedly: The damage is incurred immediately.
    	Nor is incest confined to girls. Consider the case of Ruben, a
    28-year-old Mexican-American from the Southwest. His abuse at the hands of
    his stepfather began when he was 8 years old. "My mother and sister had
    gone shopping," he recalls. "I was sitting on the couch, watching
    television. My stepfather asked me to sit next to him. The next thing I
    knew, his pants were off. He forced me to have sex with him. I didn't want
    to. But he was being so nice to me - this was the first time he showed me
    any affection. When it was over, I was flooded with feelings of shock,
    warmth, interest, terror, and disgust. When my mom came home, he ordered me
    to get away from him.
    	"After that," says Ruben, "I pleaded for my mother to take me shopping
    with her. 'Little boys don't go grocery shopping,' she said. the door would
    shut, I would turn around, and there he would be, sitting on a chair,
    looking at me. I knew what was expected." Ruben's abuse took place at
    least twice a week and lasted for five years. In time, the step-father's
    affection - the only affection the boy got - turned to anger. When Ruben
    was 13, the stepfather left the family and married another woman with
    younger children. Years later, Ruben learned that the man had also molested
    two of Ruben's three sisters.
    	Sexual abuse cuts across all racial, religious, and socioeconomic
    boundaries. Betsy's abuser was a surgeon. Ellen's was a journalist and the
    author of several books. Sarah's abuser was a teacher and a member of the
    local school board. James, 27, was molested by his uncle, who was a
    Catholic priest. A great deal of incest takes place in families where one
    or more people is an alcoholic or drug user. Margaret, whose father was an
    alcoholic, believes her abuse may have started when she was a baby. "Many
    times," she says, "I feel as though I am lying in a crib. I have to silence
    my body, my breath, so as not to attract my father's attention. At the same
    time, I have to be hyper-alert to know if he enters the room."
    	Child abusers buy silence by means of promises or threats. Sarah was
    made to feel that she was more special to her father than her mother was.
    Ruben's stepfather informed him that "what we are doing is illegal," and
    he threatened the boy with death if he told. "Once I tried to tell my
    mother what was going on," recalls Ruben. "My stepfather angrily denied it
    and stormed out of the house. My mother didn't pursue the issue any further
    with me." In most cases, physical coercion isn't necessary because the
    children have been taught to respect and obey adults.

    	Children develop many coping mechanisms for dealing with the trauma of
    incest. One is to forget. "I've blocked out whole chunks of my childhood,"
    says Ellen. "I remember being at school, but not at home." Margaret can
    remember objects from her childhood, but not people.
    	Another means of coping is by freezing painful feelings. One woman, a
    46-year-old lesbian from New York, uses the metaphor of a fairy godmother
    coming to her when she was 5 or 6 years old. "'What is happening here is
    terrible,' the fairy godmother said, 'but I don't have the power to stop
    it. What I can do to make life bearable is to make you forget about it as
    soon as it happens. The feelings will come back when you've grown up and
    have the resources to deal with them.' So she contracted my pelvis to hold
    in the sexual feelings. She built a fortress around my neck to hold in my
    screams and to separate my 'knowing' from the rest of my body. She put a
    thick wall around my heart to keep it from breaking. She also promised that
    one day I would be whole again. And just as she said, I survived and grew
    up, but I have to deal with it now."
    	Survivors will go to great lengths to distance themselves from the
    pain. John, 32, from Somerville, was abused by several members of his
    family. He spent seven years wandering through Europe and North Africa by
    himself. "I've been a tree climber, a lumberjack, a soldier, and a
    bouncer," says John, "but I always felt like a wounded child inside." Other
    incest survivors distance themselves by splitting off parts of their
    psyches. "When I think of myself as a little girl, I feel like I'm watching
    a movie," says Margaret.
    	Another coping mechanism is to abuse alcohol or drugs in an attempt to
    drown out the pain. "I started drinking when I was 12," says Ellen. "By the
    time I was 15, I was smoking pot three times a day." Sarah describes
    becoming a compulsive eater in college: "I ate until I felt sick, and then
    I'd keep right on eating. I couldn't make any friends, and this was the
    only thing that filled me up."
    	The effects of incest are devastating. Short-term ones include
    behavioral problems, addictions, sexual promiscuity, and a sudden drop in
    grades. Long-term effects include anxiety; chronic depression; sleep
    disorders; addictions; low self-esteem; suicidal urges; feelings of
    isolation, shame, and guilt; and difficulty with sex and relationships (see
    facing page)
    
    		Incest's impact: Common Symptoms

    Because of the intensely painful nature of their feelings, many incest
    survivors are unable to remember the details of their abuse or even whether
    it happened. Below is a list of symptoms that survivors say they often
    experience. You may wish to consider joining a self-help group or seeking
    incest counseling if you identify with more than four or five of the
    following experiences:

    o	Cannot remember large portions of your childhood.
    o	Have an inexplicable aversion to certain family members or to being
    	touched in certain ways or on certain parts of the body.
    o	Have feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, and/or low self-esteem.
    o	Have addictions, such as alcohol, narcotics, overeating, or compulsive
	spending.
    o	Have feelings of disgust about your body.
    o	Have inexplicable feelings of shame or guilt.
    o	Are a workaholic or chronic underachiever.
    o	Have a repulsion to sex or engage in obsessive sexual activities.
    o	Feel isolated from other people.
    o	Feel as though nothing you do will ever be good enough.
    o	Have nightmares, flashbacks, or fear of going to bed, bathing, or
    	taking a shower.
    o	Are accident-prone or give to cutting yourself, burning yourself, or
    	other forms of self-mutilation.
    o	Are unable to express your feelings.
    o	Disassociate from your body during sex.
    o	Have trouble forming and maintaining intimate relationships.
    o	Are afraid of having children or being alone with children.
    o	Have inexplicable body aches, gastrointestinal troubles, muscle spasms,
    	jerks, or twitches.
    o	Have a sharp startle response and a fear of being touched.
    o	Have sexual dysfunctions, such as impotence or frigidity.
    o	Are subject to recurring depression.
    o	Have a tendency to sexualize relationships, even when you don't want
    	to.
    o	Have a strong, inexplicable fear of people of the opposite sex or the
    	same sex.
    o	Feel powerless over people and situations
    o	Have a hard time knowing what you want or trusting your intuition.
    o	Tend to get into destructive relationships.

    				-STEVEN RAICHLEN
    
    	"I feel like I have spent my whole life trying to hide," explains
    Margaret. Trained as a teacher, she has worked for the last 15 years under
    capacity as a part-time secretary. Margaret says she yearned to be an
    artist for most of her life, but her low self-esteem kept her from picking
    up a brush until she was 38. Incest exacts an enormous toll on its victims.
    "It has damaged every aspect of my life, even by body," Margaret says.
    	Almost all incest survivors suffer from depression. Betsy's abuser, her
    father, died in 1977. "A year later," she recalls, "my life just fell
    apart. For three months, all I did was sleep and drag myself to work. It
    got so bad I had to check myself into a hospital. For weeks, I could barely
    walk."
    	Depression has brought many survivors to the verge of suicide. "I used
    to plan exactly how I would do it," recalls Margaret. "I decided I would
    find a vacant lot and slit my wrists and slash myself around the vagina
    with razor blades. Another time, I planned to collect the blood in a yellow
    dishpan, a symbol of my rage."
    	Frank, 34, from Salem, was abused by his mother and attempted suicide
    when he was 21. "I took all the pills I could find, and I took razor blades
    with me to bed," he recalls. "My right arm sliced my left open real good. I
    awoke with these tubes in my mouth and doctors around. I didn't feel bad
    being alive, but I never wanted to see anyone again."
    	Not surprisingly, many survivors grow up with problems concerning
    sexuality. "I'm 53 years old, and I've never had an orgasm with a man,"
    says Margaret. "Sex lasts for about 30 seconds for me," says Ruben. "When
    it's over, I feel angry with the woman, and I want to push her away. I go
    through long periods without having sex, and I start shaking with fear when
    I do."
    	For other survivors, sex becomes a compulsion. Keith recalls haunting
    the back alleys of New York, having sex standing up with prostitutes. "I
    realize now that I was always looking for love, but I felt compelled to
    re-create the feeling of humiliation that was imposed on me by my mother. I
    tried to deny for as long as I could that I had any sexual feelings or a
    need to be touched by another human being."
    	Relationships are a continuous source of frustration for incest
    survivors. "My longest relationship was with an alcoholic, like my
    father," says Margaret. Ellen found she could not have sex with the man she
    loved and lived with, so she had an affair with a college professor. Betsy,
    39, has never had a significant romantic relationship with a man or a
    woman.

    	Accustomed to placing the bodies at the service of their abusers, many
    survivors have no idea of what they want for themselves. "I would start a
    relationship with a woman solely because she expressed interest in me,"
    recalls Ruben. "I didn't know what I wanted, and my feelings didn't
    matter." Many survivors vacillate between aloofness and clinging. "I
    couldn't feel any affection for a woman until she left me," says David, a
    30-year-old survivor from Boston.
    	The effects of incest also carry over to the workplace. Ruben had a
    hard time pursuing a career in architecture and has put it aside for the
    moment. "I felt like a sailboat, tacking in one direction, then in
    another,: he says. "I wasn't sure of myself, and I had a difficult time
    making decisions. I was always getting myself into abusive situations at
    work, and it was almost impossible for me to say no." Margaret has a hard
    time just putting in a full day of work. "Sometimes I have to go home in
    the middle of the day and cry," she says. Many survivors flit from job to
    job or are chronically unemployed.
    	But incest takes its greatest toll on an individual's self-esteem. "I
    feel like damaged goods," says Margaret. "if people really got to know me,
    they wouldn't like me." Self-hatred was so intense in Elaine, a 36-year-old
    Atlanta woman abused by her father, that she beat herself with a hairbrush.
    Sarah has small white scars on her forearms, the result of self-inflicted
    cigarette burns.
    	Yet the survivor's negative self-image rarely corresponds to the
    impression she or he makes on people. Sarah is the program coordinator for
    a major research facility in Framingham. for the last two years, her
    superiors rewarded her performance by giving her high salary increases. But
    ask Sarah about the job she's doing, and she'll tell, "I feel like I'm
    vastly underachieving."
    	Incest survivors live with enormous guilt and shame. When Sarah was 12,
    her father said, "I notice you're reading a lot of Harlequin romances. It's
    too bad you're so young. there's a lot I could teach you." Like any curious
    adolescent, Sarah begged him to elaborate. A few days late, she says, she
    "wound up on his bed," where he looked at and touched her genitals.
    Rationally, Sarah can see that she was not to blame for the incident, that
    she was manipulated by her father. "Emotionally, I still feel like I asked
    for it," Sarah says.
    	Incest survivors feel shame even when they were forcibly molested or
    raped. "When children are little, they feel responsible for anything that
    goes wrong in the family," explains therapist Krishnabai. "This gives them
    some feeling of control over an incomprehensible situtation(sic), even if
    it means taking the blame for it. 'If only I hadn't worn that pick tutu,'
    thinks the child, or 'I should have taken better care of my mother.' If the
    child had feelings of pleasure - and pleasure is a natural response to
    sexual stimulation - the sense of shame is profound."
    	The effects of incest aren't limited to the emotions. Many survivors
    suffer from painful physical symptoms, such as involuntary muscle spasms
    and shortness of breath. Margaret speaks with poise and intelligence during
    an interview at her Cambridge apartment, but she is pacing around the room
    as she describes the details of her abuse. Her shoulders contract, her
    tars writhes, she doubles over as if in pain. Her voice is dispassionate,
    but her body bears testimony to her suffering.
    	Many survivors wait years or decades to recover the incest memories.
    Margaret was 38 years old when she had her first memory. "I often felt
    intensely miserable," she recalls. "It was a relief to know there was a
    reason why."

    	Psychotherapist Krishnabai is an incest survivor, too. She founded the
    Center for Sexual Abuse Counseling in Brighton and has worked primarily
    with women survivors for the last four years. "I could work 80 hours a week
    and not have enough time for everybody who contacts the center," she says.
    "I get 10 to 12 phone calls a week just from people looking for referrals."
    	Krishnabai was abused once, by an uncle, when she was 12. "I never told
    anybody in my family about it," she recalls, "but I never forgot it." She
    finally told a social worker about the abuse. "Do you think you were the
    only person this has ever happened to?" was the response. Krishnabai says
    changing her name (she is named for a Hindu goddess) gave her a new,
    non-victim identify and was an important component of her healing.
    	What prompts a survivor to seek professional counseling? "Often," says
    Krishnabai, "the person has just started to remember what happened. She may
    have seen a movie or TV program that triggers a memory, or perhaps her
    children have reached the age when she herself was abused. In other cases,
    she may have gone off drugs or alcohol, and for the first time she is
    experiencing her real feelings. Other people are in crisis: They may have
    lost their job or boyfriend or have even wound up in a detox center or
    psychiatric ward."
    	When evaluating a new client, Krishnabai tries to assess how much the
    survivor remembers, her capacity for intimacy, her sense of boundaries, her
    connection with her feelings, and how well she functions in the world. The
    next step in the therapy is setting goals. "A client may come to me with a
    specific complaint, like, 'I can't have sex with my lover.' Or a client may
    ask, 'Am I crazy, or did the abuse really happen?' Other survivors want to
    work up to a confrontation with the abuser." Krishnabai tries to steer
    survivors away from unrealistic goals, such as a 12-week "cure" in a
    12-week program. "The abuse sets certain behavior patterns in motion, which
    take a considerable amount of time to change," she says.
    	Krishnabai believes there are many components to healing, among which
    are admitting to yourself what happened; breaking the silence by telling
    another person; connecting with your feelings; confronting the abuse,
    although not necessarily the abuser; reclaiming the power to say no and to
    set boundaries; understanding the ways the abuse affects you now and
    having some control over those effects.
    	For many people, admitting what has happened is the first and hardest
    step. "Survivors tend to trivialize or minimalize what happened," says
    Krishnabai. "Clients will often say, 'It wasn't intercourse' or '...because
    the perpetrator wasn't my father.'" Other survivors acknowledge the abuse
    but don't see that it has any connection to their current life.
    	Many therapists consider anger to be the backbone of healing.
    Krishnabai encourages some of her clients to express their anger by beating
    an Everlast punching bag that hangs in a corner of her office. (The hitting
    takes place within very structured boundaries.) "Whacking the bag with a
    baseball bat can lead to a powerful release of emotion," she says. "As
    children, survivors learned that anger is bad and, by extension, that
    feelings in general are bad."
    	Another weapon in Krishnabai's war against the destructive effects of
    incest is a large, cuddly stuffed animal named BabyBear. "Survivors were
    robbed of their childhoods. Holding a stuffed animal helps us identify with
    the children we were when we were abused."  Many healing survivors carry
    their stuffed animals with them. Betsy, for instance, never leaves home
    without a gray hippopotamus named Cashew.
    	In addition to one-on-one counseling, Krishnabai leads a variety of
    ongoing therapy and short-term workshops. "Incest thrives on secrecy," she
    says. "Most victims feel isolated from the rest of the world." For this
    reason, Krishnabai believes that group therapy is ideal for survivors
    because it teaches them that they are not alone. The Center for Sexual
    Abuse Counseling offers two to three specialized workshops focused on
    survivors who are clergy, another on the partners of survivors.)

    	"Sexual abuse is especially difficult for men," says psychotherapist
    Mike Lew. "In our society, men are not supposed to be victims. Little boys
    are supposed to be men, to take it like a man." Abuse will often leave a
    male survivor with grave doubts about his sexual orientation," says Lew.
    "If he is heterosexual, he asks, 'What does this mean about my
    masculinity?' If he is homosexual, he asks, 'Is this why I am gay?'"
    	Lew hastens to dispel two "insidious" myths about the male incest
    survivor. The first is that he will grow up to become a child molester
    himself. "This notion arises from the observation that many sex offenders
    were sexually abused themselves," he says. "The vast majority of sexually
    abused boys grow up to be protectors, not offenders."
    	An inordinately high percentage of Lew's clients are teachers, clerics,
    and other human-service providers. His first survivors' group comprised a
    psychiatrist, a psychologist, two social workers, a funeral director, and a
    human-services graduate student. "The sad thing is that many men who would
    make excellent fathers avoid having children, out of fear that they will
    act inappropriately," Lew says.
    	The second myth, says Lew, is that sexual abuse leads to
    homosexuality. "There is no evidence that there is a causative effect," he
    says. Conservative estimates hold that one out of every seven men was
    sexually abused. (Lew believes this figure will prove to be higher once
    more male survivors feel it is safe to speak out.) "If sexual abuse led to
    homosexuality, there would be a lot more gay men," Lew says.
    	A boy is put in a double bind when the abuser is a woman. "In our
    society, men are supposed to be up for sex at all times," Lew says. "Sex
    with an older woman is considered a rite of passage - it is apt to be
    romanticized, minimalized, or laughed at. If the boy even partially enjoyed
    the experience, he probably won't consider it abuse. If he didn't enjoy it,
    he worries that he might be gay. In either case, the boy feels isolated and
    confused."
    	Lew says that mother-son abuse is especially traumatic. "We expect the
    mother to be the ultimate protector. Abuse by a mother isolates the child
    completely and makes the world a terrifying and lonely place." Lew has
    found that men who were abused by their mother are less likely to remember
    the abuse and more likely to have problems setting boundaries in intimacy,
    touch, and sex. "You're not crazy," Lew tells his clients, "but what
    happened was. Abuse is something that happens to a person. It's not the
    person himself."
    	According to Lew, recovery means accepting that the abuse happened and
    putting the responsibility where it belongs - on the abuser. "The ultimate
    goal for the survivor is to be able to make choices that are not determined
    by the abuse," he says. "Recovery is painful, time-consuming, and
    expensive, but it is ultimately possible."
    	Lew emphasizes the importance of reporting suspected child sexual abuse
    to your local police or the Department of social Services. "The worst think
    that can happen is that you made a mistake," he says. "If the child really
    was being abused, it will help him to know that there was one adult who
    cared."

    	Survivors agree on the need for a good therapist. It isn't easy to find
    one who can deal with the issues unique to incest, however. Margaret has
    been to 10 therapists in her quest for recover. "Is it possible that my
    father did something sexual to me?" she asked a prominent therapist. "A
    child sees desire in the father's eyes and reads it as the act itself," was
    the man's response.
    	The inadequacy of conventional psychotherapy in helping child sexual
    abuse victims may stem from one of the core premises of modern
    psychoanalysis. "At first, Freud believed his patients when they told him
    they had been sexually abused as children," says Lew. "But as more and more
    reports of incest came in, he got scared and backed away."
    	Many therapists believe that Freud evolved the notion of the Oedipus
    complex and infantile sexual fantasy to explain away the alarmingly high
    number of reports of incest. "It's one more form of denial, when what
    survivors really need is to be believed when they say that the abuse
    occurred," says Lew.
    	Many incest survivors have found healing in alternative therapies, such
    as bioenergetics, psychodrama, massage therapy, hypnosis, and meditation.
    For those seeking a therapist, Krishnabai recommends looking for someone
    who is warm and empathic, who has strong boundaries, who respects
    confidentiality, and who can handle incest issues "without turning green."
    	But most important is finding someone who believes you. "If you feel
    like your story is being discounted or minimalized, stand up and walk out,"
    Krishnabai says. Lew believes that traditional psychoanalysis, with its
    "blank mirror" relationship between the client and analyst, can be harmful
    to an incest survivor. "Survivors need feedback and reassurance," says Lew.
    "They already feel isolated enough."
    	Such reassurance and feedback are plentiful at meetings of the
    Survivors of Incest Anonymous. It is not uncommon to hear incest survivors
    say, "If it weren't for SEE, I wouldn't be alive today." Each week, a
    different member chairs the meeting, discussing incest-related issues and
    how they have affected his or her life. Participants introduce themselves
    by first name only and are free but not obliged to identify themselves as
    survivors.
    	Like Alcoholics Anonymous, SEE uses 12 steps, 12 promises, 12
    traditions, a serenity prayer, and a series of slogans. The first step
    reads, "We admitted that we were powerless of the incest experience and
    that our lives had become unmanageable." It is a crucial step for many
    survivors because it gives a name to the problem, and it absolves the child
    of guilt. the fifth step reads, "We admitted to God, ourselves, and another
    human being the exact nature of our wrongs." This, too, is a revolutionary
    step for many people, for it breaks the terrible secret and isolation that
    survivors have lived with for most of their lives.
    	The bulk of the meeting is devoted to sharing "experiences, hope, and
    strength." The meetings, which last 1 1/2 hours, are open to incest
    survivors, and, once a month, to their family and friends. Perpetrators,
    either past or present, are not welcome. At the close of the meeting,
    participants are invited to join in a serenity prayer. Hand-holding is
    optional, but most of the participants elect to join hands.
    	The Saturday afternoon meetings at the Paulist Center draw 30 to 40
    people. A look around the room at a meeting tells you that incest is blind
    to age, sex, sexual orientation, race, religion, and class. The youngest
    participant is 18, the oldest is 70, a woman who only recently recovered
    her memory of the abuse. There are whites and blacks, Christians and Jews,
    heterosexuals, gays, and lesbians. There are doctors and nurses, artists
    and businesspeople, factory workers, mental health workers, workaholics,
    and jobless.
    	The meetings are wrenching and deeply moving - a poignant testimony to
    the lasting damage caused by child sexual abuse. The silence has finally
    been broken; for some survivors it is for the first time in their lives.
    the meetings close with these words: "We have come to the awesome
    realization that our pain is temporary, but denial and its consequences are
    forever. If any one of us can heal from the consequences of incest we all
    can."

    My former therapist and I were talking about statistics on sexual abuse
    one day.  I mentioned the 1:3 women figure that I've read.  He thought
    (and he said he has research to back him up) that it is more like 1:2
    women.  He didn't mention anything about men.  I have a hard time
    imagining that 1/2 of all girls are molested by the time they are 18,
    but I also have trouble with 1/3.  I suppose my preference would be
    something like 1:1000.

    Beth