Conference noted::sf

435.0. "Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anything worse ..." by NUTMEG::BALS (You can't divorce a book.) Mon Feb 02 1987 18:26

A friend of mine passed these along -- all true excerpts from the slushpile
at "Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine." These are the ones that
we *didn't* get to see ...

For obvious reasons :-)

Enjoy,

Fred     
    
    
                                  ***********

(Note: spelling, punctuation, and syntax are all as in the original.)

Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men.  It was
one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally
qualified men.
--
Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her
Susie Wong slit dresses.  She had a dozen of them.
--
"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked
and not aware of anything."
--
Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small
rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears
and 2 tails.  They discovered they were on Rabbitania.
--
The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.
--
"Bastard!  I shall severe your soul."
--
The afternoon was very calm but consolidated.  The birds were singing but
were not blithesome.
--
He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I
thought he'd just throw away.
--
"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.
--
When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of
eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.
--
"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing
slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."
--
The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no
longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was
in existance.
--
"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.
--
My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already
beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.
--
The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition.  From the
faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.
--
Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.
--
Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.
--
"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.
--
Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the
floor to stare at him.  [this intrigues me, suggesting some sort of
symbiotic creature with mobile, detachable eyes.  jab.]
--
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.
--
John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he
believed were light waves.
--
Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.
--
"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.
--
He is an idiot, I said venomently to myself.  I paced the damp stone floor,
nervously squeezing my hands together.  I circle the machine, which shone
like a crystal lettuce of pyrite.
--
[from a cover letter]  This story is basically about a prince who is
required to go through a ritual of kingship.  The cleansing ritual involves a
dunking of the boy in a soybean oil bath set at 350 degrees.  It is a
sentimental piece with an ending that is left open for a sequel.
--
...I am well qualified to relate a tale of science fiction since I have
always been of a fictitious nature.
--
We had walked on his lunch, which consisted of a hot dog smothered in so
much sauer kraut the bun ws soaked and started falling apart.
--
[from a synopsis]  His physical condition supports little, if any, life.
--
His heart started thumping from his stomach.
--
The horse and rider that paused to savor the New England sunset, could not
notice how they diminished the scenery around them.  They towered far beyond
any equestrian monument of Michelangelo.
--
The moment they entered the guest room, Delilah moved lithely to strangle
Shirley.
--
The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.
[I'd love to hear Carl Sagan *say* this.  jab.]
--
"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked.  He seemed a bit
loath to answer.
--
They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial
expressions were that of a chicken.
--
"Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"
--
Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.
--
Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the
urge to smile out loud.
--
Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her
sholders.
--
A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.
--
Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.
--
And he was damned attractive physically, too.  When she looked at him she
felt...unusual.
--
Having sex with Becky had nothing to do with survival, no matter what the
horny, insatiable woman claimed.
--
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged
her and then gave her breasts a couple of playful pinches.  "Commander
please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.
--
Bucking and snorting like some psycholdelic bronco the man had all he could
do to keep his pecker from detaching from his midsection and assuming an
orbit some excessive distance from the circumference of the planet.
--
He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite
distance.
--
Onion oil!  I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.
--
He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something,
what was it?  oh yes!  I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.
--
There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian, and
if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy as a
guardian, sheh might as well practice.
--
Talan gestured at the controls.  "Overheating of the glycgroms in the
thermoperamulator.  You know how it is."
--
She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest
rolls.
--
The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out
question.
--
The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.
--
Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form
another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)"  The dwarf came back
strongly.  [all punctuation, etc., *is* correctly rendered.  jab.]
--
"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and
viola!"
--
It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would
imagine they could.
--
It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet
covered with an average of two miles of water.
--
Jesus, Jake wondered, why they have waited another ocupple of months before
rekindling their old hatreds?  Didn't they realize that North America was
now made up of feudal baronies and city-states loosely liked by various
central allegiances?  [how NOT to do descriptive narrative. jab.]
--
On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit.  It's antimatter would interact with
ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible
force of 1000 megatons.  New York City is doomed!
--
"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone.  Sorry sir."
"Oh no."
--
He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.
--
Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.
--
A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.
[must be from one of those there Roosian pornography books.  jab.]
--
Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war
machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it
keeping its resplendency restrained.
--
Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's head when the
other spoke he knew that in this instance his image was hers.
--
Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned to look at his
sister.
--
It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the arm of a
semi-automatic machine gun.
--
Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a strange looking
man with coal black hare and a a coal black mustache.
--
My lips drew back in a savage frown.
--
His face was fully of craggy relief.
--
I caress her cheek.  She shutters.
--
He whetted his lips.
---

re: "He whetted his lips."

What's wrong with *this* one?  How's he supposed to eat with dull lips?

Ray

    I've already received a request from someone asking if he could
    pass these along to someone else (and I thank you for the courtesy
    of asking), and for private circulation only I don't see any problem
    about anyone doing it - or I wouldn't have posted .0 here in the
    first place.
    
    But I'd like to add that I'd prefer that .0 or any excerpts *not*
    be reposted to a USENET group such as sf-lovers. If you pass .0
    along to anyone, please note that warning to them. I wouldn't want
    to inadvertently embarrass either my friend or IASFM.
    
    Thanks,
    
    Fred 

    	Since NUTMEG is unreachable for me at this time -
    
    	Why don't you put this in the UCOUNT::JOYOFLEX Conference? 
    I guarantee they'll appreciate it too.
    
    	Now, how many of you have tried to find out if your co-workers
    yodel when certain techniques are applied?  :^)
    
    	Larry
                                       

    
    
    just thought i'd say thanks....i haven't laughed so much for ages,
    
    		
    			Lisa...

    	I get the feeling that not all of these story goofs were accidental
    goofs - it looks like some of those writers were making parodies
    of the some of the sillier talk and actions in SF.  
    
    	I hope those writers didn't get canned because the editors at
    IASFM took them seriously.
    
    	Larry
    

    RE: .6
    
    Larry, as someone who has been a slush-pile reader (as well as
    sometimes submitter, but that's another story :-)), I can almost
    guarantee that each and every one of those excerpts was written
    in dead seriousness. It's often easy to forget, VAX Notes being
    a writing medium, that the vast majority of people are unable to
    write a simple declarative sentence. Nor can they tell the difference
    between good writing and bad writing - especially when it comes
    from their own hand.
    
    If I *were* to make a guess, I'd hazard that many of the excerpts
    were written by male adolescents (or arrested adolescents :-)),
    given the preoccupation with bosoms, sex, and stalwart male figures.
    Adolescents, btw, who were obviously unfamiliar with dictionaries.
    
    Fred
        

    re:.6
    
    If you want a real, verifiable example of such idiocy, look
    up prolific mystery/suspense hack writer Michael Avallone's
    papers in the library at (I think) Boston University. There
    is a manuscript there for an sf story, along with a rejection
    letter from the editors of F&SF (I think it was McComas, in
    the 50's). Among the sillinesses of the story were the fact
    that it was set "on a nameless planet near the Moon" and that
    the resolution involved using human tears as a lubricant. And
    this is from a "professional" writer!
    
    --- jerry

    If, for some incomprehensible reason, you LIKE reading ludicrous
    SF, I recommend two books, "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night," and
    "Son of It Was a Dark and Stormy Night."  Both are excerpts from
    the annual Bulwer-Lytton contest.
    
    Bulwer-Lytton was a pimple on the face of early Victorian literature.
    He had a massive, torpid, turgid style, and really did start a novel
    with the words mad famous by Snoopy, "It was a dark and stormy night."
    That is the opening clause of a belly-flopper of a sentence.  The
    Bulwer-Lytton contest invites people to compose the worst possible
    sentence for the worst possible novel they can imagine.  Usually
    it is a very long one, following Bulwer-Lytton's example.  The two
    collections are divided according to genre and there is always a
    science fiction section.  A big one.
    
    Earl Wajenberg

    RE: .9
    
    > Bulwer-Lytton was a pimple on the face of early Victorian literature.
    > He had a massive, torpid, turgid style, and really did start a novel
    > with the words mad famous by Snoopy, "It was a dark and stormy
    > night."
    
    Without getting *too* far off the topic, it should be noted that
    Bulwer-Lyton was even more popular with the reading audience of
    the time than his contemporary, Charles Dickens. Of course, it was
    a massive, torpid, turgid age :-).
    
    Fred

    re .8:  That makes sense.  Avallone is also responsible for the
            novelization of the movie THE INCIDENT.  Dreary.

    				Don ICEMAN::Rudman
    
  

    Sorry to be so late on this, but (as a pro-Delany flamer) I have
    to admit that that first one sounds a LOT like _Stars In My Pocket
    Like Grains Of Sand_.
    8 >,

    When my sister was in her early teens, she wanted to be A Writer.
     She wrote reams of stuff she never sent out.
    
    However, she penned one line that really sent her.  Not as hollowly
    ubiquitous as some of the above, it certainly had a charm:
    
    "My head ached with the weight of the gun in my hand."
    
    {The narrator had apparently just finished offing someone.}
    
    Not much, but I thought posterity deserved it. :-)
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

        Here's a beaut of a quote from network television's latest 
    pathetic idea of an SF series, HIGHWAYMAN:

        "We are searching the Universe systematically - and not just at
    random, either!"  
 

    
    Since .14 brought it up....
    
    My cousin Howie is going to be in an episode of The Highwayman
    sometime in the next few weeks.  He plays an android.
    
    
    (I just couldn't resist)
    

For those of you who haven't had the sublime advantage of reading damon knight's
_In Search of Wonder_, a point: some of the older, occasionally hailed as 
"classic," stories/novels were published with howlers as good as any in the 
basenote.

My favorites come from _The Spot of Life_, an almost Stephen-Kingishly long
novel by Austin Hall and Homer Eon Flint.  One of the characters was named
"the Rhamda Avec"; a quote in the text:

	"There was a similarity to [the] Rhamda Avec that ran almost to 
	counterpart."

Two of the characters get startled by news:

	"It was a stagger to both young men."

The narrator reminisces:

	"It was a long hark back to our childhood."

... I guess that gives one the idea.

Steve Kallis, Jr.

    
    Yeah, I remember that--boy, did knight _hate_ that book (wasn't
    the title _The Blind Spot_? Or am I thinking of another book
    in _In Search of Wonder_?) One of my favorite authors for generally
    messed up physics is Bertrand Chandler; every time he brings out
    one of his "gaussjammers" I remember Knight's comments on magnetic
    propulsion. 
    
    E.

Re .17 (Ed):

Yes; it was _The Blind Spot_.  A (perhaps excusable) brain slip, since
_The Spot of Life_ was its sequel.  It was written equally badly.

Steve Kallis, Jr.

    
    Only thing I ever read by Homer Eon Flint was _The Lord of Death
    and the Queen of Life_, and Knight's comments on _The Blind Spot_
    almost made me pass it by. Once I took my brain out of gear, it
    wasn't too bad--it had a sorta 1930's charm. Anyway...