| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 446.1 | Yours for the asking. | HBO::QUINNETT | | Mon Apr 07 1986 23:31 | 4 |
| Once again my faith in the American Cowboy is revived. Your approach
to riding etc. is refreshing to say the least. If you wish to adopt
one of these fine animals let us know. One will be sent to you
with bells on.
|
| 446.2 | FOR MORE GRINS? | JACOB::BARNES | | Fri Jun 13 1986 01:11 | 6 |
|
I got a real "kick" out of this horse "tail". Could you possibly
come up with some more? I'm sure many others will appreciate them
just as much as I. Thanks for your effort!
-A Joker
|
| 446.3 | Horse humor | CIMNET::PYNCHON | | Mon Jan 22 1990 12:03 | 38 |
| -< HORSE SENSE??? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a mare on the horse breeders farm had a BEAUTIFUL stud
colt. The colt was running full tilt almost as soon as it hit the
ground. This colt was so fast that it was running circles around the
older colts in the corral. Well, this breeders eyes lit up, and he
could just SEE the money rolling in.
Well, 2 years pass, and the colt is ready for his first race. The
colt is real frisky, jumping around, raring to go and show all these
other horses on the track how to run. They finally get him into the
starting gate. At the bell, the gate opens and all the horses come
out. The colt comes blasting out of the start ready to show off.
Suddenly, he sees a beautiful mare running next to him. Being a self
sure stud horse, he decides to run alongside her for a while. Well,
LOVE conquers all. He loses. This happens a few more times. EVERY
race, he refuses to pass a mare.
The owner finally gets fed up with the antics. While they were in
the paddock, one of the other horses was talking to the little stud.
He says, "You know, if you don't win a race pretty quick, your owner is
going to geld you." To which the little stud replied, "I know, but, I
just can't force myself to pass up a chance like I have out there on
the track." Well, next race, gate opens, off they go, same thing. The
little stud loses.
So, the owner calls the vet and has the horse fixed. After a
little recovery time, the owner puts him into the first race. He's in
the starting gate, raring to go. Those little mares won't get in the
way this time.
The bell rings, the starting gate opens, the little horse takes
about three giant steps out of the gate and comes to such a quick halt
that the jockey FLIES over his head onto the track. The little horse
hangs his head and just walks back to the paddock.
After the race, the other little horse was talking to the little
gelding. He said, "WHY????? WHY did you stop????? You KNOW your
owner will KILL you for this."
To which the little gelding replies, "Well, I was all set to go.
It felt great. Those little mares had no control over me. Then, just
as I came out of the gate, it happened. How would YOU feel if 1000
people were to stand up, stare at you, and suddenly yell, THEY'RE OFF!!!!"
|
| 446.4 | Here's another.... | SHRFAC::CARIBO | | Wed Jan 24 1990 14:39 | 42 |
|
A short, fat, ugly cowboy was ridin' the range one day when his
horse was startled by a rattler and threw him to the ground, His
first reaction was to draw his gun and shoot the snake, but he
couldn't do it...he was much too kind-hearted.., so he re-mounted
his horse and made to ride off...suddenly a voice cried out...
"wait"..he looked around but couldn't see anyone, and then realised
that the it was the snake that had spoken..!!!..he said "Now hold
on here a minute Y'all...snakes don't speak..whats-a-goin' on here
then..??"
The snake said.."I am a magic snake..and because you were too
kind-hearted to shoot me.. you can have 3 wishes..make them before
you go to sleep and they will have come true by the morning..."
The cowboy obviously thought he had had too much of the noonday
sun and dismissed what he thought he had seen and didn't think anything
more of it UNTIL he caught sight of himself in the mirror just as
he was getting ready to go to bed that evening...
HMMMM..He thought...Not a pretty sight..I wonder if that snake WAS
really magic...??...I'll give these wishes a try..can't hurt can
it..??
So he wished...
1) to be the most Handsome man in the world
2) to be have the most perfectly developed body in the world
3) to have the sexual equipment of his horse
Upon waking in the morning he looked in the mirror..and SUPRISE..!!
He was absolutely amazed....
He was so handsome that even the mirror fell in love with him..
He was so perfectly developed that Arnie Schwarz looked like a wimp
compared to him....
But when he looked down he cried out in anguish....
"OH NOOOOOO...I forgot I was riding a mare...!!"
|
| 446.5 | | VMSSPT::PAANANEN | Pavlov's Horse | Mon Jul 29 1991 14:57 | 115 |
| Cross posted from the Dave Barry notes file.
================================================================================
Note 688.0 HORSES AND ROMANCE No replies
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PULLING THE REINS ON ROMANCE
by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, July 28, 1991
Recently, a woman I know named Michelle came into the newspaper
office with a big ugly wound on her upper arm. Realizing that she
might be self-conscious about it, I said: "Michelle, what's that
big ugly wound on your upper arm?" Sensitivity is the cornerstone
of journalism.
It turned out that Michelle had been bitten by a horse. It
was her own horse, and it bit her while she was trying to feed it.
This is a typical horse maneuver. Horses are the opposite of
dogs, gratitude-wise. You give a dog something totally wretched
to eat, such as a toad part or a wad of prechewed Dentyne, and the
dog will henceforth view you as the Supreme Being. It will gaze
on you for hours with rapt adoration and lick the ground you walk
on and try to kill the pizza-delivery person if he comes anywhere
near you. Whereas if you spend hours grooming a horse and lugging
it's food and water around, the horse will be thinking: "Should I
chomp on this person's arm? Or should I merely blow a couple
gallons of horse snot into this person's hair?"
I don't trust horses. "Never trust an animal with feet made
from the same material as bowling balls" is one of my mottoes. I
never believed those scenes in Western movies when bad guys would
tie the hero up, and his horse would trot over and untie the knots
with his teeth. A real horse would size up the situation and
stomp on the hero's feet.
I don't blame horses for being hostile. I myself would feel
hostile toward somebody who was always sitting on me and yanking
on my lips. But what I don't get is, how come they're so popular.
Especially with women?
Now you're probably saying: "Dave, you're just bitter because
in the fifth grade you had an intense crush on Susan Cartoun and
you wrote 'Sue' on your notebook inside a heart, but the name
inside the heart on her notebook was 'Frosty,' an imaginary horse
that she loved much more than you, despite the fact that, if
Frosty ever had the chance, it would have got imaginary snot in
her hair."
Yes, it's true that I am a little bitter about that. Also I
have not forgotten my first experience with a horse. I was 9 years
old, at a farm, and I attempted to ride a pony. "Pony" is a
misunderstood word. Many young people, having grown up watching
the "My Little Pony" cartoon show, believe that a pony is a cute
little pastel-colored critter with a perky voice and a nurturing
personality and a 1973 Farrah Fawcett hair style. Whereas, in
fact, a typical pony is the same weight as an Oldsmobile Cutlass
Supreme, but with no controls or moral code.
Anyway, following my sister's directions, I put my foot into
the metal thing hanging down from the pony (technically, the
"fetlock"), and instantly the pony, not wishing to be boarded at
that time, trotted briskly off, with my leg attached to it. I
attempted to keep up by bouncing next to it on my other leg, like
the famous Western cinematic star Hopalong Dork, but finally, in a
feat of astonishing equestrian skill, I fell down backward and got
dragged across the field with my head bouncing gaily behind
amongst the cow doots.
I could tell the pony enjoyed this immensely. It couldn't
wait to get back to the stable and tell the other horses via Snort
Language.
"You should have seen his hair!" snorted the pony. "He'll
need to shampoo with industrial solvents!"
"Next time," snorted one of the older horses, "try stepping on
him. It's like dropping an anvil on a Hostess Twinkie."
"And the legal authorities can't prosecute, because we're
horses," snorted another.
So I stayed off horses altogether until 20 years later, when I
was courting my wife. We were in the Rocky Mountains, and they
had rental horses, and she wanted to ride one. Naturally, she
loves horses. As a child, she used to ride a neighbor's horse
bareback, an experience she remembers fondly even though she
admits the horse would regularly try to decapitate her by running
under low tree branches at 27 miles per hour. I don't want to
sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will
forgive homicidal behaviour in a horse, yet be highly critical of
a man for leaving the toilet seat up?
Anyway, I was in a Raging Hormone Courting Mode, meaning I
would have wrestled a giant snake to impress my wife-to-be, so I
let her talk me into getting on this rental horse. It turned its
head around and looked at me with one of those horse eyeballs the
size of a mature grapefruit, and I knew instanly what it was
thinking. It was thinking: "Hey! It's Hopalong Dork!" So while
my wife's horse trotted briskly off into the scenery, looking for
low branches to run under, my horse just stood there, eating and
pooping, waiting for me to put one leg on the ground so it could
suddenly take off and drag me to Oregon. So I sat very still,
like on of those statue generals, only more rigid. I'd say we
moved about 11 feet in two hours. Next time, I am definitely
renting the snake.
Fortunately, by wife's horse was unable to kill her, and we
got married and lived happily ever after, except that she keeps
saying that she wants us to go riding again. I don't know what to
do. i think maybe tonight I'll fix her a candlelight dinner,
give her some wine, and put on some soft, romantic music. Then,
when the moment is just right, I will gently but firmly bite her
upper arm.
|
| 446.6 | WHY NOT AN ELEPHANT? | DECWET::JDADDAMIO | | Mon Nov 04 1991 17:27 | 42 |
| While we were mucking out the house this weekend, I came across something
in a recent issue of "The Chroncile of the Horse" that I thought was
funny. It also seemed relevant to a couple recent discussions here,
namely the "When to geld" discussion and the replies to someone who was
looking for their first horse. Reprinted without permission:
"Why Not an Elephant?", Donald Atwell Zoll
With the current popularity of huge horses, I'm wondering whether there
is any market for elephants as all purpose mounts. You see an 18-hand
horse stands 72" at the shoulder and a nice little Asiatic female
elephant will be only some six feet tall at the shoulder or, yes, 72".
And an elephant can carry from one to four people at a time. That's
handy.
As a matter of fact, elephants can do more than horses can. They can
play polo-and do all the work, advancing the ball with foot and trunk.
They have been hunting conveyances for centuries, too. Elephants can go
through anything they can't get over and can dismantle a post-and-rail
fence with consummate ease. In terms of speed, the elephant is the
equal of the ordinary field horse.
In hard-minded practical terms, you can buy an elephant for about the
cost of a fancy hunter, and the elephant has a lifespan of about 60
years with good care. Of course, maintenance costs are increased. The
elephant, even a small one, may eat 3 bales of hay a day. Housing, too,
is a bit of a problem; heated quarters are necessary in the winter.
Mucking out is a little more strenuous.
But consider, in compensation, arriving at the first meeting of hounds
on your elephant. Think about rambling over the countryside, stopping
for the occasional stirrup cup, or going on a trail ride with friends.
The reaction will be awe-inspiring. When "Gone Away" is sounded, your
elephant may reply with a trumpet call heard in the next county. Your
presence will be noted.
Why not sit on the most majestic of beasts, the mount of Ptolemy and
Hannibal, the gilded behemoth of ancient princes? You are the master
of, say, 3 tons of subservient animal(assuming that you understandably
would prefer the more compact model in elephants. The largest elephant
ever recorded weighed some 12 tons and stood 13'2"!). Be the first
elephant owner in your neighborhood. It would be no mean distinction.
|
| 446.7 | Whoa! Whoa! WHOA!....(-; | BOOVX2::MANDILE | Lynne a.k.a. HRH | Wed Nov 06 1991 12:27 | 4 |
| Even better, the look on all the horses faces when they get
that first *look* at an elephant!!!!!
|
| 446.8 | 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' | XLIB::PAANANEN | Another Warp Speed Weekend | Wed Dec 09 1992 12:17 | 107 |
|
Article: 13479
Path: engage.pko.dec.com!nntpd.lkg.dec.com!news.crl.dec.com!deccrl!caen!malgudi.oar.net!hyperion!desire.wright.edu!sbishop
From: sbishop@desire.wright.edu
Newsgroups: rec.equestrian
Subject: Christmas Greetings!
Message-ID: <1992Dec8.114150.6129@desire.wright.edu>
Date: 8 Dec 92 11:41:50 EST
Organization: Wright State University
Lines: 97
T'was the night before Christmas and all over the farm
Not an animal was stirring, they were all safe from harm
The gym socks were hung in a limp little row
With plenty of room for gifts down below.
The rug rats were tucked up all snug in their beds
With visions of Nintindos dancing in their heads.
And I in my nightie and my hubbie in his p.j.s
Were just settled down in a warm sleepy daze
When out near the barn there arose such a ruckus
I jumped out of bed to see what was the fuss
I tripped over the puppy and pulled on my shoes
The way my luck ran, all the horses were loose.
I grabbed an old coat and ran to the door
'Please don't let them be out, not ALL FOUR!
The steps were all covered with sparkling ice.
I slipt and I slid and I fell down TWICE!
When finally, groaning, I got to my feet
I realized I'd badly bruised my seat
To the barnyard I staggered, to my herd gave a yell.
Not a creature replied, they were all gone, "OH,HELL!"
I grabbed handfuls of halters, strung lead ropes over my arm
'Oh, please, don't let any of them get into harm....
Not the old mares, sweet ladies who are really retired
Not Rosie, my favorite, by a champion she's sired.
Not Tar, the old gelding, who can jump like a deer
Where could they have gone? Very far? Lurking near?
The moon on the breast of the churned up mud
Gave a vision of disaster that made my heart thud.
The corral fence was shattered, somehow all kicked in,
No wonder I'd heard such a terrible din!
Hoof prints were everywhere, which way did they go?
I had to start looking, but where? I don't know!
In the pines I saw a white head peeking out,
Yep, there was old Tar, my gelding, not a doubt.
A handful of grain coaxed him into the barn,
Off to find the others, please let them be safe from harm!
Then off in the distance I heard snorts and squeals
So in that direction I took to my heels.
Ran up a steep hillside and over the crest
Panting and sliding, I stopped to rest.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
Down in the valley, my mares..... and Look Here!
There's one more horse down there, just prancing around,
My neighbor's prize stallion with my mares, I've found!
He's national champion, worth tons of money
Suddenly I giggle, this all strikes me funny.
This stud's fee is huge, he's expensive, mega-bucks.
No way I could afford him, too much money, no such luck.
And now he's with MY girls, I think they're ALL in season.
Wow, am I lucky, I think, with good reason.
He's gentle and well trained, he's easy to catch.
The mares all follow nicely, one big friendly batch.
Yep, Santa is going to come early next year,
With pretty prancing foals instead of reindeer!
We all go home quietly, they've calm, they've had their fun.
I smile all the way there, counting babies and hum.....
Merry Christmas to all!
And many more to come!
MERRY CHRISTMAS to Everyone from:
Sue, Quality, Star Signal, Beau,
(and living elsewhere but not forgotten)
Tar, Kitty, and Jannie......
|
| 446.9 | horses and math | TPLAB::ADAMS | | Mon Jan 11 1993 11:43 | 9 |
| Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs
Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs,
and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is
certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. The only number
that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an
infinite number of legs.
- From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs", Joel Cohen
|
| 446.10 | April Fools issue of "Ride!" | XLIB::PAANANEN | Another Warp Speed Weekend | Tue Apr 06 1993 16:31 | 51 |
| Snagged this from the internet...
----------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.equestrian
From: hannah@pomponio.ai.sri.com (Marsha Jo Hannah)
Subject: Horse humor
Date: 5 Apr 93 16:25:30 GMT
Organization: SRI International, Menlo Park, CA
Over the weekend, I picked up the April issue of "Ride!", a California
horse magazine distributed free at tack shops and feed stores. This
issue contained their annual April Fool spoofs, copied below without
permission:
Fake ads for:
* videos for horses, to improve their assertiveness and help them
deal with various types of annoying humans; available from Mr Ed's
Power Tapes.
* Horse Scents air freshener, to make your office smell like the barn.
* TruBlu ribbon dye, to improve the impressiveness of your ribbon
collection. Available in pints, quarts and gallons for amateur
riders; 55-gallon drums can be ordered for trainers.
and "David Dressageletters Top Ten List:"
Top ten reasons why dressage riders prefer warmbloods:
10. Warmbloods are guaranteed not to make any sudden, frightening moves.
9. Warmbloods are so dumb they make their riders look brilliant.
8. Dressage riders are secret S & M freaks, who like using a lot of
whips and leather.
7. The kids can play on them like a jungle gym.
6. Horse show judges are impressed with foreign names.
5. Riders' spurs always stay polished.
4. Warmblood comes in handy if your car gets stuck in the mud and
needs to be pulled out.
3. Commanding size makes other riders automatically yield the rail.
2. Some of those brands look very similar to the Mercedes logo.
1. Dressage riders like horses with big butts to make their own look
smaller.
Marsha Jo Hannah Murphy must have been a horseman--
La Honda, CA anything that can go wrong, will!
P.S.---Before anyone blows a gasket, be aware that my Fjords are
"blonde", and their coldblood temperaments and physiques plead
"guilty" to several of the above! ;-)
% ====== Internet headers and postmarks (see DECWRL::GATEWAY.DOC) ======
% Received: by enet-gw.pa.dec.com; id AA14951; Tue, 6 Apr 93 05:21:17 -0700
|
| 446.11 | | SAC::WALTHER_E | Never trust sheep. | Tue Nov 02 1993 15:03 | 14 |
| I saw the following on a T-shirt in a horsey catalog:
picture of a woman saying "HE SAID 'IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP HORSES, I'LL LEAVE'"
and underneath
a picture of her horse saying "WE'LL MISS HIM....."
I think I'll ask for that for Christmas but something tells me I won't
get it!! :)
Ellen
p.s. another T-shirt I saw read:
"The more time I spend with people, the more I like my horses!"
|
| 446.12 | | WITNES::MANDILE | Constant Cravings | Tue Nov 02 1993 19:01 | 10 |
|
I've seen quite a few good sayings on T's......
"It's just one barn thing after another"
One of my favs: "Why are there so many more horses < > then
there are horses?"
|
| 446.13 | | DELNI::KEIRAN | | Wed Nov 03 1993 10:27 | 6 |
| My favorite was seen on the back of a horse trailer driving down
495:
This trailer contains a disease that can't be cured:
Harness racing!
|
| 446.14 | | STUDIO::PELUSO | PAINTS; color your corral | Wed Nov 03 1993 11:19 | 4 |
| "Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people"
Taken w/out permission fro the Westboro Chronotype
|
| 446.15 | ?HuH? | CSCMA::SMITH | | Fri Mar 25 1994 18:58 | 17 |
| Yesterday I bought a new hardhat for my kids, it was the ohsa (or
whoever) approved kind. There were two warning labels, one on the box,
one inside the hat. They said:
WARNING
"The purchaser or user of this helmet should recognize that its use
is no guarantee of safety or death, and that the use of this helmet
is only designed to help reduce the risk of some injuries."
Frankly, I was quite relieved they couldn't guarantee its use for
death, if they could it would sure have been a deterent to buying
it.
Sharon
|
| 446.16 | another one... | DPDMAI::LAWRIE | | Thu May 19 1994 14:59 | 8 |
| I was scribing for a dressage show here in Dallas (Los Colinas) and the
judge (Dr. Vflotten) said he had found a t-shirt with 3 horses heads on
it. Beneath the 1st HORSE- "What was that?", beneath the 2nd horse- "I
don't know?", beneath the 3rd horse head- "Let's shy!!". I told him I
wanted it, and he replied so did he- but they had already sold out of
them. Oh well..I appreciate it since I have one of those types.
Bruce
|
| 446.17 | me too | AKOCOA::LPIERCE | That's my Story | Thu May 19 1994 15:14 | 5 |
|
If you find them, I would love to know where you get them.. I'd love
one my self.
Louisa
|
| 446.18 | y | ALFA1::COOK | Chips R Us | Thu May 19 1994 15:35 | 4 |
| I don't want to brag, but...I HAVE that shirt. It's VERY cute! The
horses' eyes are those little plastic doll eyes and the pupils move.
I got it at the Arabian Nationals in Louisville in '92 and I can't
remember the vendor.
|
| 446.19 | FoF | EPS::DINGEE | This isn't a rehearsal, you know. | Fri May 20 1994 16:14 | 7 |
| At some of the bigger hunter shows they divide up the
Adult classes into "under 30" and "30 and over". Some
of us want a 40 and over class called "Fossils Over Fences".
This is, apparently, pretty common - a friend of mine
said she saw it on a t-shirt - I want one of those!
-j
|
| 446.20 | "Dressage" Deer ??????? | DECWET::JDADDAMIO | Seattle Rain Festival: 1/1-12/31 | Thu Jul 21 1994 22:30 | 46 |
| Last year(?), somebody started a topic about other pets people had.
I listed all the wildlife that hangs around our place even though
they aren't pets. Lately, I've been wondering...Has anybody ever
seen "Dressage" Deer ???????
We see deer out in the arena regularly. Many times in the evenings
while we are doing stalls. In the spring, they were around the arena
for a couple hours when our shoer was out to do the horses. The
whole time the deer were out there, the shoer was hammering away on
the anvil. They follow our tracks in the arena until they get
opposite where they want to be and then turn away into the field.
They don't seem to be bothered by us at all. Not even when we ride!
One rainy morning, I opened the barn doors for Jan to go out to
ride. There they were! Three of them were making nests for
themselves in the arena. Two were already lying down! I figured
they'd take off when they saw Jan and the horse. Nope. I had to go
out and herd them out of the arena!
Another morning, I was riding. As we crossed the short end of the
arena, Charity's ears started flicking back and forth. Then, I saw
the ears of a deer behind a bush. Soon, 3 of them came into view and
we(C & I) continued our ride.
The deer grazed closer and closer to the arena. They came within 20
feet of the short end even though C & I were whizzing by at various
paces. They drifted down the long side, grazing all the while.
Next thing I knew, they were *in* the arena following the track
towards us! Their expression was "Oh NO! Here comes the monster!" Two
left the arena for the safety of the bushes. The other froze right
in the track. "No problem," I say to myself, "We'll just do half pass
and get out of his way."
So, we started half pass right and got about 5 yards off the track
when the young buck panicked and moved toward the center of the
arena! Then, he saw that we were "chasing" him. I'd like to say he
did a nifty piroutte but he didn't keep the rhythm of his gait. ;-)
He went straight up and wheeled in mid air. When he came down, he
did a neat but very large capriole and was out of the arena! Charity
had this "Ho hum, what else is new?" attitude throughout the whole thing.
I was sitting there with my mouth open, gaping...Guess I was trying
to catch bugs or something.
John
|
| 446.21 | And how high can you bounce? :) | BOUVS::OAKEY | Assume is *my* favorite acronym | Thu Jul 21 1994 22:40 | 20 |
| 446.22 | | DELNI::KEIRAN | | Fri Jul 22 1994 11:43 | 11 |
| When my mare was 2, we had gotten to the track early in the morning
to jog because it was going to be hot. A baby deer ran out on the
track and was running and bucking right next to her like it wanted
to play! They always seem to stand in our path and as soon as we
get about 30 feet away they jump in the woods and scare the horses.
A couple of weeks ago I was racing at Scarboro Downs and took my mare
out on the back track to warm up. I was the only one out there,
except for the deer that had no fear of horses! Luckily she's seen
enough of them at home to be scared of them. Most horses wouldn't
have been so well behaved!
|