Conference back40::soapbox

re: .0

Thanks for starting it. I was going to earlier today when I read Steve's
"wish" for it. I couldn't figure out why he didn't start it himself, except
it appeared that he was pretty busy getting confused by the Contract
With America.

Man finds woman collapsed in her apartment.  Believes she's dead but calls
paramedics.

Paramedics come and say "yup, she's dead".

Coroner says "she's dead."

Placed in a morgue fridge, and retrieved 45 minutes to be sent off to a
funeral home.  Worker finds she's breathing!

Now listed in critical condition.

-Madman

    
    pronouncing people dead who appear otherwize intact happens all the
    time.
    
    I used to police up "dead" drunks back in '70s, and found (once, to
    my embarrassment) that the classic death signs (cynanosis, non-responsive 
    pupils, cold skin) are present in folks who are in fact still alive. 

    Who needs more than a look at Warren Christopher to realize this?
    
    -b

    
    Spike, the 2.5 foot long 65yr old lobsta, will not be eaten.
    

Warren Christopher does not look dead.  He looks like E.T.

    
    The following products were available at China's First National Healthy
    Sexual Behaviour And Sexual Education Exhibition:
    
    Creams/Ointments:
    
    Men's Cheerful Spray, Erection Aid Emulsion Ring, Wrinkle Jelly, 
    Super Miraculous Oil, Poodle Oil.
    
    Condoms:
    
    Double Happy, Strongarm Health Protecting, Double One, Super Zero, 
    Condom Delay, Sex Happy Sheath, Wild Buck, Zero-0-Wrinkle.
    

	Where do you get this stuff from (the story I mean) ??

	Keep 'em coming......... (the stories I mean)   %^)

   Mike McElroy, making an appeal to the West Lake Hills, Texas, City
   Council in August of the benefits of his being allowed to keep his
   pet donkey, Pearl, at his home despite regulations against it:
   "[This] is  a great opportunity for our kids and other kids who come
   to see us to be able to recognize and identify manure, which will
   help them in the future.  Children need, at an early age, to be able
   to identify manure."

   According to the sheriff in Martin, Ohio, two or more burglars
   unsuccessfully attempted to break into the safe at W&W Custom
   Applicators Inc. at 4 o'clock one morning in October. They rolled the
   4-foot-high, concrete-lined safe outside and used a front-end loader
   to smash it against the side of a building to open it.  The safe
   crashed through the wall but did not open.  Then they smashed it
   against  the side of utililty trailer with the same result..  Then
   they placed it on nearby railroad tracks so that a Conrail train
   could plow into it, but the train pushed it along the tracks, far out
   of the sight of the burglars.  The burglars then fled, nearly
   empty-handed.  (They had remembered to loot the petty cash box at
   W&W.)

    In our nations capital, the cesspool that has again elected Marion "I
    never knew a dope I didn't like" Barry, the police department has to
    buy USED tires for its vehicles due to mega budget problems...
    
     

Woman in New Zealand is playing with her dog in a park.  Dog runs off and
comes back with a hand grenade in its mouth.  When woman realizes what it is,
she tries to convince the dog to drop it, but the dog thinks she's playing,
pretending to give it to her and running off, dropping it rolling in it and
picking it up to run off again, etc.  Finally she's able to distract the
dog long enough.  Police later detonate the grenade which was live.
Police do not know how a live grenade got into the park.

-Madman

re: .11, Ron

I'm surprised they don't hold a fund raiser. Mebbe selling confiscated weapons.

    Another Bobbitt story has appeared in Peru.  A man was quoted as saying
    "It's getting to the point where it is not safe to sleep in the nude
    anymore."  No word on the success of the reunification.  
    
    A man in PA was convicted of man slaughter after pleading innocent by
    virtue of a sleep disorder.  He claimed he was unaware he was shooting
    his wife while sleep walking.  His failed defense was based upon a 
    documented history of the sleep disorder.   
    
    Brian
    

    Sleep Glocking? (sp?)

    o deer...

    
    In Todays paper, a short article about Tracy Lippard, the
    former beauty queen who after crowning her successor, got in
    her car and drove 250 miles armed with a gun, a butcher knife,
    lighter fluid and a hammer intending to kill the Weikle family.
    [Seems she was jealous that her boyfriend was also dating
    Melissa Weikle.]
    
    She was founf guilty of reduced charges and faces up to 6 1/2 years
    instead of the possible 30 years if she had been convicted on
    all counts brought forth.
    
    Now, here's the clincher...
    
    She was not found guilty of the more serious charges according to
    juror Jane Metheney because "It was a heat of the moment thing".
    
    Good grief! What does it take to be premeditated??????
    
    							Hank

    Re: .18
    
    >"It was a heat of the moment thing".
    
    For sufficiently large values of "moment."

* The Deutsche Presse Agentur news agency reported in
March that German cemetery operators are worried about
the increasing resilience of embalmed bodies.  Because
of the country's land shortage, burial plots are often
only rented out for 15-year periods, with the hope that
the bodies will have decomposed by that time and that
families will not object to their disposal.  Cemetery
owners are now avoiding certain soils that retard air
and moisture circulation, for they restrict the growth
of bacteria that eat the bodies. [Columbus Dispatch-
DPA, 3-8-94] 

* In Melbourne in May, Australian Rules football player
Russell Prowse was ejected from a game and severely
reprimanded by the league.  He had attempted to defuse
a potential brawl by grabbing opponent Scott Cameron
and kissing him flush on the lips.  Prowse's gambit
worked:  Cameron reportedly staggered back; a hush came
over the players; and order was restored. [San
Francisco Chronicle-AP, 5-9-94] 

* In February, according to Ogden, Utah, police Sgt.
Gary Petersen, a man walked into the station to hand
over his two rifles, asking that the police store them
until a doctor certified him as calm enough to handle
them.  The man had just that day been evicted from his
home and feared he would shoot the lawyer of the bank
that held the mortgage. [Deseret News-AP, 2-21-94] 

* In January, the health insurance board in Quebec
finally approved the requested payment of about $2,400
to Renee Durand, 20, for breast enhancement surgery
that also corrected a breast-position condition.  At
first, the board declined to pay, calling the surgery
merely cosmetic, but Durand fought back by sending out
a flood of nude photographs of herself, with her
previously asymmetrical breasts--to the board's
doctors, to retired Quebec premier Robert Bourassa, to
a former health minister, and to several other Quebec
and federal officials. [London Free Press-CP, 1-21-94] 

* The New York Times reported in June on Spain's most
popular TV program, "The Truth Machine," in which
celebrity guests are hooked up to lie detectors, which
are monitored by "experts," and quizzed on aspects of
their scandals.  A recent guest was John Wayne Bobbitt,
who was judged "significant[ly] decept[ive]" when he
denied hitting his wife Lorena and forcing her to have
sex. [New York Times, 6-19-94] 
    

* Former hostage Terry Anderson, who was kidnaped by
terrorists in Beirut in 1985 and held for nearly seven
years, filed a lawsuit against 13 federal agencies in
September because they refused to release U. S.
government documents pertaining to the kidnaping. 
Among the agencies' rejection letters was one from the
Drug Enforcement Administration, which said it would
not release records unless Anderson provided an
"original notarized authorization" from his captors
waiving their privacy rights. [Washington Post, 10-3-
94] 

* As part of an ongoing feud, according to police in
Fairfield, Iowa, Ronald Warren Switzer, 39, flew a
small paraplane over the home of Mike Parsons in July
and fired several rifle shots--perhaps the nation's
first fly-by shooting.  And in March, the FBI charged
that James A. McClelland, 48, of Spokane, Wash., hired
a man to murder his wife with a poisonous needle in a
skate-by pricking. [Des Moines Register, 8-4-94]
[Independence Examiner-AP, 7-27-94] 

* According to Durham, N. C., convenience store clerk
Saundra Lewis, who was held up by a man in February,
the robber almost could not stop apologizing.  He said
he was sorry when he began the holdup, then again when
he rejected her plea to think it over, then again just
as he fled.  A few seconds after leaving, he returned
and said, "I'm sorry, really, I'm sorry," but
nevertheless kept the money.  By contrast, in March,
the robber of a tobacco shop in Mesa, Ariz., not only
returned the next night to rob the clerk again but
chastised her for having been rude to him the night
before. [Durham Herald-Sun, 2-18-94] [Arizona Republic,
3-26-94] 

* In August, Cindy Hartman, 26, startled a burglar
when, upon encountering him in her home in Conway,
Ark., she dropped to her knees and began to pray for
him.  The man apologized and called to his partner
outside, "We've got to [give back] all of this.  This
is a Christian home.  We can't do this."  The two
burglars brought back the items they had stolen and
even left their gun with her. [Santa Maria Times,
Aug94] 

* The Leesburg (Fla.) Daily Commercial reported in
December on the response of shoplifting suspect Darlene
Oar, 25, when asked for personal ID by Officer Scott
Gray at the station house.  When Gray asked Oar her
color of hair, Oar allegedly stood up, pulled her pants
down to her knees, and asked, "Why don't you look?" 
Oar was warned she would face additional charges if she
continued to expose herself. [The Daily Commercial, 12-
31-93] 

* Recent uses of food as a weapon:  Laurie Remillard
was pelted with doughnuts in May in a drive-by attack
in Biddeford, Maine; Gary Boyington, 23, was charged
last winter with a robbery in Olathe, Kan., in which,
though he claimed he had a gun, he was armed only with
a chili dog he had just purchased; McDonald's
restaurant employee Greg Dean stopped a robber in
Oklahoma City in August by hitting the man in the chest
with a Quarter-Pounder, startling him and causing him
to flee; Teresa Ann Johnson, 27, was arrested in
Wilmington, N. C., in August and charged with tossing a
vat of hot crabs on the police officer who had come to
break up a fight at her home; film producer Donald P.
Borchers claimed in July that one of his actors, Hunter
Von Leer, had hurled a bowl of green Jello at him in
Goldfield, Nev., during a break in making the movie,
"The Stranger." [Chicago Sun-Times-Reuters, 6-11-94]
[Olathe Daily News, 12-30-93] [Pryor Daily Times-AP,
Aug94] [Wilmington Morning Star, 8-11-94] [Gateway
Gazette (Pahrump, Nev.), 7-28-94] 

* Recent uses of live animals as weapons:  Two people
in Camden, N. J., in August, and the owner of a store
in Columbia, S. C., in May, said they were robbed by
men brandishing only large, black snakes; Roland Wood,
31, said in July that he was assaulted by a man in
Austin, Tex., who threw a Mexican freetail bat at him;
a woman in Coraopolis, Pa., decided not to press
charges against her former boyfriend, whom she had
accused in June of chasing her with a snapping turtle
in a fight over their breakup. [Washington Post, 8-12-
94; The State (Columbia, S. C.)], 5-28-94] [Dallas
Morning News-AP, Jul94] [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 6-21-
94; Wilmington Morning Star-AP, 7-13-94] 

    These are good. More more.

    
    A man in Falls Church, Va., who claims to have multiple personalities,
    has been charged with raping a woman who also has multiple person-
    alities.  They met at a therapy group and became friends, says The
    Washington Post.  The defence of 44-year-old Edward Kelly is that one
    of his personalities and one of hers agreed to have sex.
    

   Geesh...

    Joe, are you going to run this whole topic yourself?
    If so, you've got a great source of whacky news, and I hope you can
    keep it up!

   In April, University of Toronto English professor Eleanor Cook was
   awarded grants totaling around $85,000 (U.S.) to spend the next two
   and a half years studying "the structure and function" of the riddle. 
   Said Cook, "I want to  think about long-term patterns in
   riddles...and the long-term decisions in our lives."
   
   --News of the WEIRD, by Chuck Shepherd

   Among current course selections at Oregon State University's Food
   Science and Technology department is a one-credit class, "The
   Maraschino Cherry."  Among the lecturers were two retired professors
   who returned especially to talk on the history of the maraschino
   cherry.  Said course professor Ron Wrolstad,  "I think the students
   were just awed to have these professors there."
   
   -- News of the Wierd, by Chuck Shepherd

    re: .34
    
    Your tax-payer $$ at work.

    A cable TV customer in Somerville, Mass. stopped eating, and would
    only quit his hunger strike if the cable company would agree to add
    an all-Portuguese TV channel to the cable system's offerings, free
    of charge.
    
    He quit his week-long hunger strike after his local cable company
    started offering the Portuguese channel on a temporary trial basis
    on one of the public access channels for the remainder of the year.
    He claims that the wide media attention given to this issue as a
    result of his hunger strike was worth any personal discomfort.
    
    Reportedly several other customers are considering similar hunger
    strikes over the same issue, depending on what happens after the
    trial period is over.
    
    Chris

 Hmm...wonder if I went on a hunger strike they'd get all those shopping
 channels off?





Jim

    wonder why the Bulletts are 0-3 after signing 2/5 of the Fab Five?

    
    The `Bad Sex Prize', a British award for the worst description of 
    sex in a novel, went to Philip Hook.  The passage in his book `The
    Stonebreakers' included the lines: "Their jaws ground in feverish
    mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was
    a purposeful shedding of clothing."
     

    Ya know, I went to a marriage counselor not too long ago who suggest
    mutual mastication... oh that was mutual... oh nevermind.
    
    -b

    <- sounds like this belongs in the Dalmer note...

    
    A farmer in Alberta just bought a huge bomb shelter from the DND,
    which had originally been built to house the provincial government
    in times of war. It was an impulse purchase...he didn't discuss it
    with his wife beforehand.  Cost was $160,000 CDN, which was about
    what the doors of the facility cost during construction.
    
    He couldn't say why he bought it.
    

    You never know what might crop up.

    
    Well, what's the government going to do when a war breaks out and they
    have NOWHERE TO GO?
    

 They can buy it back from the guy and he can make a healthy profit!






Jim

    Not seek re-election?

Man was eating a meal in a Florida bar when a small monkey ran out of a
woman's purse, climbed on his head and bit his ear.

Woman and monkey are still at large.

-Madman

    He's not the first guy in a bar to have a monkey on his back...

	WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, Same thing happened to me,

	Only my wife wouldn't believe the bite marks on my ear
were from a monkey and not a blonde...............%^(

    Re: .42
    
    >sounds like this belongs in the Dalmer note...
    
    Dahmer.  DaHmer.  D-A-H-M-E-R.  Practice for a while if you have to,
    but get it right already.

    WGAS?

    <---- Take it to the Dollmer note.

	Now this troubles me.........Chelsea, do you have
any background in the military or have you owned guns a
long time ????	%^)

    Dalmer - Dahmer... A cannibal by any other name...
    
     Gee Chelseeee, take a pill...

    Guy/Girl go and see the new Cruise yuk of a movie, Inteview with
    Vampires.
    
    Anyway, at home that evening, he tells her he'll try out some of the
    'tricks' in the movie and suck out all her blood.  Next evening, while 
    she sleeps, the boyfriend attacks the girl, 8 bite marks total, he ends
    in jail she in the hospital.
    
    Guess they won't be seeing Silence of the Lambs anytime soon.

	Just think what will happen when virtual reality becomes
readily available ????

    More biting questions no doubt.

    
    
    man in kansas called 9-1-1 recently...seems he had a turtle stuck to
    his nose.  a real turtle.  i guess he picked it up, peered inside to
    see if it was in there and POP...out it comes, clamping onto his nose. 
    ambulance gets there and told the guy there were going to have to break
    the neck of the turtle to get it off, and he insisted they not hurt the
    turtle...so, they just pulled it off...the turtle survived, and after 2
    operations, the man is doing just fine...
    
    

    I bet he has to _shell_ out a few bucks to get fixed... and his recovery
    will probably be very _slow_.
    
    -b

Now boys and girls, what lesson has this tortoise?

    Re: .55
    
    >Dalmer - Dahmer... A cannibal by any other name...
    
    Is not the same person.  Names are like that.
    
    What's so hard about spelling a name?  Is it really such an
    overwhelming challenge for you?

    I'm with Chelsea.  Wrote the same note yesterday myself but deleted it
    after my blood pressure subsided a few.  How hard can it be to spell
    Dalhmer correctly anyway?  
    
    Brian

>>Now boys and girls, what lesson has this tortoise?

	sumpin' about a sher way of gettin' yer nose tortoise shreds.

    
       Or "if you want to keep your nose don't be so nosey." 

    Okay, okay... How's it go again?

    Learn to read, and you can tell us.

            <<< Note 79.59 by GAVEL::JANDROW "Green Eyed Lady..." >>>

I must confess, the same thing happened to me as a kid. I caught a 
painted turtle on my fishing line. After considerable effort removing the 
hook, I held it in front of my face and scolded it roundly for 
interrupting my fishing. I thought painted turtles were harmless, but this 
one proved me wrong. Grabbed my nose and wouldn't let go without extracting 
its pound of flesh from me.

Sorry to discover I haven't gotten any smarter over the many years since. 
Else why would I be stickin my nose into the 'box?

    so that's whats wrong with ya, huh Tom?!
    
    :-))

                   <<< Note 79.70 by PNTAGN::WARRENFELTZR >>>

>    so that's whats wrong with ya, huh Tom?!
    
Yup. It appears turtles have an effect similar to vampire. If they bite 
you, you become an incredibly slooooooooow study.

A couple months ago someone from the Netherlands got seasick on a boat in the
North Sea, and while leaning over the railing lost his dentures overboard.

Recently, a fisherman caught a cod and while cleaning it found dentures in
its stomach.  This got reported on the news, and the first person went down
to check them out.

Perfect fit.

    Really, I just wouldn't want them back at that point.
    

    I wonder if that cod had a dental plan?

    	re .73
    
    	Oh, I don't know.  That effervescent polident can remove even
    	the worst stains...  And it leaves a nice minty flavor afterwards!

    
    Thank 'cod' 'salmon' found them!
    
    
    

    
    Oh, I dunno, JoJo...dentures are expensive, ya know!  8^)

    The biting question is would you put 'em back in yer mouth.

    I would.

I just happened to think - I'd hate to see this lost forever when the
archive gets trashed.


         <<< ALPHAZ::SYS$SYSDEVICE:[NOTES$LIBRARY]OLD_SOAPBOX.NOTE;1 >>>
                         -< SOAPBOX: The Golden Days >-
================================================================================
Note 1721.8                     Wacky News Briefs                       8 of 455
BULEAN::ROBERTS "Are your lights out?"              186 lines  16-AUG-1994 14:41
                   -< Hope you don't find this one "boring" >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
More than you ever wanted to know about trepanation from
_Eccentric Lives & Peculiar Notions_ by John Michell.

THE PEOPLE WITH HOLES IN THEIR HEADS

Amanda Feilding lives in a charming flat looking over London's river with her
companion, Joey Mellen, and their infant son, Rock.  She is a successful
painter, and she and Joey have an art gallery in a fashionable street of the
King's Road.  Another of her talents is for politics.  At the last two
General Elections she stood for Parliament in Chelsea, more than doubling
her vote on the second occasion from 49 to 139.  It does not sound much,
but the cause for which she stands is unfamiliar and lacks obvious appeal.
Feilding and her voters demand that trepanning operations be made freely
available on the National Health.  Trepanation means cutting a hole in your
skull.
  The founder of the trepanation movement is a Dutch savant, Dr Bart Hughes.
In 1962 he made a discovery which his followers proclaim as the most 
significant
in modern times.  One's state and degree of consciousness, he realized, are
related to the volume of blood in the brain.  According to his theory of
evolution, the adoption of an upright stance brought certain benefits to the
human race, but it caused the flow of blood through the head to be limited
by gravity, thus reducing the range of human consciousness.  Certain parts of
the brain ceased or reduced their functions while others, particularly those
parts relating to speech and reasoning, became emphasized in compensation.  One
can redress the balance by a number of methods, such as standing on one's head,
jumping from a hot bath into a cold one, or the use of drugs; but the wider
consciousness thus obtained is only temporary.  Bart Hughes shared the common
goal of mystics and poets in all ages: he wanted to achieve permanently the
higher level of vision, which he associated with an increased volume of blood
in the capillaries of the brain.
  The higher state of mind he sought was that of childhood.  Babies are born
with skulls unsealed, and it is not until one is an adult that the bony
carapace is formed which completely encloses the membranes surrounding the
brain and inhibits their pulsations in repsonse to heart-beats.  In 
consequence,
the adult loses touch with the dreams, imagination and intense perceptions of
the child.  His mental balance becomes upset by egoism and neuroses.  To cure
these problems, first in himself and then for the whole world, Dr Huges 
returned
his cranium to something like the condition of infancy by cutting out a small
disc of bone with an electric drill.  Experiencing immediate beneficial effects
from this operation, he began preaching to anyone who would listen to the
doctrine of trepanation.  By liberating his brain from its total imprisonment
in his skull, he claimed to have restored its pulsations, increased the volume
of blood in it and acquired a more complete, satisfying state of consciousness
than grown-up people normally enjoy.  The medical and legal authorities reacted
to Huges's discovery with horror and rewarded him with a spell in a Dutch
lunatic asylum.
  Joseph Mellen met Bart Huges in 1965 in Ibiza and quickly became his leading,
or rather one and only, disciple.  Years later he wrote a book called _Bore
Hole_, the contents of which are summarized in its opening sentence: 'This is
the story of how I came to drill a hole in my skull to get permanently high.'
  . . . (a few paragraphs detail Joseph Mellen's early experiments with LSD,
and how he finds out about Bart Huges.)
  The time came when Joey felt he had preached enough and that he now had to
act.  He did not agree with Holingshead that the third eye was merely a figure
of speech, believing in its physical attainment through self-trepanation.
Support for this can be found in archaeology.  Skulls of ancient people all
over the world give evidence that their owners were skillfully trepanned
during their lifetimes, and many of these appear to have been of noble or
priestly castes.  The medical practice of trepanation was continued up to the
present century in treatment of madness, the hole in the skull being seen as a
way of relieving pressure on the brain or letting out the devils that possessed
it.  By his scientific explanation of the reasons for the operation, Bart Huges
had removed it from the area of superstition, and Joey Mellen proposed to be
the second person to perform it on himself in the interest of enlightenment.
  Bart had become a close friend of Amanda Feilding, and they went off to
Amsterdam together while Joey took care of Amanda's flat.  This was the
opportunity he had been waiting for to bore a hole in his head.
  The most gripping passages in _Bore Hole_ describe his various attempts to
complete the operation.  They are also extremely gruesome, and those who lack
medical curiosity would do well to read no further.  Yet to those who might
contemplate trepanation for and by themselves, Joey's experiences are a
salutary warning.  It should be empahasized that neither he, Bart nor Amanda
has ever recommended people to follow their example by performing their own
operations.  For years they have been looking for doctors who would understand
their theories and would agree to trepan volunteer patients as a form 
of therapy
Strangely enough, not one member of the medical profession has been converted.
  In a surgical store Joey found a trepan instrument, a kind of auger or cork-
screw designed to be worked by hand.  It was much cheaper and, Joey felt, more
sensitive than an electric drill.  Its main feature was a metal spike,
surrounded by a ring of saw-teeth.  The spike was meant to be driven into the
skull, holding the trepan steady until the revolving saw made a groove, after
which it could be retracted.  If all went well, the saw-band should remove a
disc of bone and expose the brain.
  Joey's first attempt at self-trepanation was a fiasco.  He had no previous
medical experience, and the needles he had bought for administering a local
anaesthetic to the crown of his head proved to be too thin and crumpled up or
broke.  Next day he obtained some stouted needles, took a tab of LSD to
steady his nerves and set to in earnest.  First he made an incision to the
bone, and then applied the trepan to his bared skull.  But the first part of
the operation, driving the spike into the bone, was impossible to accomplish.
Joey described it as like trying to uncork a bottle from the inside.  He
realized he needed help and telephoned Bart in Amsterdam, who promised he
would come over and assist at the next operation.  This plan was frustrated by
the Home Office, which listed Dr Huges as an undesirable visitor to Britain and
barred his entry.
  Amanda agreed to take his place.  Soon after her return to London she helped
Joey re-open the wound in his head and, by pressing the trepan with all her
might against his skull, managed to get the spike to take hold and the saw-
teeth to bite.  Joey then took over at cranking the saw.  Once again he had
swallowed some LSD.  After a long period of sawing, just as he was about to
break through, he suddenly fainted.  Amanda called an ambulance and he was
taken to hospital, where horrified doctors told him that he was lucky to be
alive and that if he had drilled a fraction of an inch further he would have
killed himself.
  The psychiatrists took a particular interest in his case, and a group of
them arranged to examine him.  Before this could be done, he had to appear in
court on a charge of possessing a small amount of cannabis.  The magistrate
demanded another psychiatrist's report and demanded him for a week in prison.
  There followed a period of embarrassment as the rumour went round London
that Joey Mellen had trepanned himself, whereas in fact he had failed to do so.
As soon as possible, therefore, he prepared for a third attempt.  Proceeding
as before, but now with the benefit of experience, he soon found the groove
from the previous operation and began to saw through the sliver of bone
separating him from enlightenment or, as the doctors had predicted, instant
death.  What followed is best quoted from _Bore Hole_.
  'After some time there was an ominous sounding schlurp and the sound of
bubbling.  I drew the trepan out and the gurgling continued.  It sounded like
air bubbles running under the skull as they were pressed out.  I looked at the
trepan and there was a bit of bone in it.  At last!  On closer inspection I saw
that the disc of bone was much deeper on one side than on the other. Obviously
the trepan had not been straight and had gone through at one point only, then
the piece of bone had snapped off and come out.  I was reluctant to start
drilling again for fear of damaging the brain membranes with the deeper part
while I was cutting through the rest or of breaking off a splinter.  If only I
had an electric drill it would have been so much simpler.  Amanda was
sure I was through.  There seemed no other explanation for the
schlurping noises
I decided to call it a day.  At the time I thought that any hole would do, no
matter what size.  I bandaged up my head and cleared away the mess.'
  There was still doubt in his mind as to whether he had really broken through
and, if so, whether the hole was big enough to restore pulsation to his brain.
The operation had left him with a feeling of wellbeing, but he realized that
it could simply be from relief at having ended it.  To put the matter beyond
doubt, he decided to bore another hole at a new spot just above the hairline,
this time using an electric drill.  In the spring of 1970, Amanda was in
America and Joey did the operation alone.  He applied the drill to his 
forehead,
but after half and hour's work the electric cable burnt out.  Once again he was
frustrated.  An engineer in the flat below him was able to repair the 
instrument
and next day he set out to finish the job. 'This time I was not in any doubt.
The drill head went at least an inch deep through the hole.  A great gush of
blood followed my withdrawal of the drill.  In the mirror I could see the blood
in the hole rising and falling with the pulsation of the brain.'
  The result was all he had hoped for.  During the next four hours he felt his
spirits rising higher until he reached a state of freedom and serenity which he
claims, has been with him ever since.
  For some time now he had been sharing a flat with Amanda, and when she came
back from America she immediately noticed the change in him.  This encouraged
her to join him on the mental plane by doing her own trepanation.  The
operation was carefully recorded.  She had obtained a cine-camera, and Joey
stood by, filming, as she attacked her head with an electric drill.  The film
shows her carefully at work, dressed in a blood-spattered white robe.  She
shaves her head, makes an incision in her head with a scalpel and calmly starts
drilling.  Blood spurts as she penetrates the skull.  She lays aside the drill
and with a triumphant smile advances towards Joey and the camera.
  Ever since, Joey and amanda have lived and worked together in harmony. From
the business of buying old prints to colour and resell, they have progressed
to ownership of the Pigeonhole Gallery and seem reasonably prosperous.  They
have also started a family.  There is nothing apparently abnormal about them,
and many of their old friends agree in finding them even more pleasant and
contented since their operations.  There is plenty of leisure in their lives,
mingled with the kind of activities they most enjoy.  These of course include
talking and writing about trepanation.  They have lectured widely in Europe
and America to groups of doctors and other interested people, showing the film
of Amanda's self-operation, entitled _Heartbeat in the Brain_.  It is generally
received with awe, the sight of blood often causing people to faint.  At one
showing in London a film critic described the audience 'dropping off their
seats one by one like ripe plums'.  Yet it was not designed to be gruesome.
The soundtrack is of soothing music, and the surgical scenes alternate with
some delightful motion studies of Amanda's pet pigeon, Birdie, as a symbol
of peace and wisdom."

Bill jacobs
I've got seven holes in my skull.
_______________________________________________________________________
William Jacobs               |   Someday we'll look back on all this
Astronomy Dept., San Diego State    and plow into a parked car.
bjacobs@ucssun1.sdsu.edu
    
    

    thx!
    

    
    Local band `Bare Naked Ladies' became upset when the Art Gallery of
    Ontario, promoting the Barnes Exhibit, released a T-shirt with three
    paintings from the Barnes collection and a caption that read "Rare
    Naked Ladies."  However, the initial urge to sue was put aside for a
    better idea...they are releasing their own T-shirt with three pictures
    of barns and a caption that reads "The Barns Exhibit."
    

    would be nice if someone could dredge up that wacky news article about
    the guy who got his penis stuck in the swimming pools' water filter
    hole and they had to call the cops.

I don't recall whether or not we ever actually got a full account of it, Gene.
I just checked the old 'box and found RAH's initial mention of the story in
14.7195 around 7/22 or so. The Wacky topic wasn't started until the next month
in the old 'box.

    bummer. thanks jack.

    According to a report in the Metro Section of today's NY Times, an
    English Sheepdog was intercepted at Kennedy Airport with 5 pounds
    of cocaine surgically implanted in its abdomen. The cocaine was
    packed in 10 condoms.
    
    The condoms were not sterilized, which led to a massive infection
    which caused severe abdominal swelling. Customs agents noticed
    the dog acting lethargic and looking emaciated. Once they determined
    that the dog was not, in fact, Keith Richards [my editorial comment,
    TYVM], they x-rayed its abdomen and discovered the cocaine.
    
    -b

* Mike McElroy, making an appeal to the West Lake
Hills, Tex., City Council in August of the benefits of
his being allowed to keep his pet donkey, Pearl, at his
home despite regulations against it:  "[This] is a
great opportunity for our kids and other kids who come
to see us to be able to recognize and identify manure,
which will help them in the future.  Children need, at
an early age, to be able to identify manure." [Austin
American-Statesman, Aug94] 

* Adoption agency official Mary Graves, in a
Doylestown, Pa., case in which a girl had been taken
from her father after the mother passed away, testified
in August that she favored keeping the girl with the
adopted family.  With her father, Graves said, "She
would have none of the benefits but all of the
disadvantages of a mother who is dead." [Greensboro
News Record, Aug94] 

* In a July article, the Daily Oklahoman newspaper
quoted state Sen. John Monks as once arguing, while
defending the "sport" of cockfighting, "The first thing
the communists do when they take over a country is to
outlaw cockfighting." [The Daily Oklahoman, 7-4-94] 

* One issue on the ballot in San Francisco this year is
an initiative on whether a subway station should be
constructed inside the San Francisco International
Airport, or just outside the Airport boundary.  In
April, a local judge rejected a complaint about the
poor taste of one ad placed by the "inside" advocates--
an ad arguing, "Taking [the train] almost into the
Airport is like not coming." [San Francisco Examiner,
4-15-94] 

* Columnist Emil Guillermo, writing in Filipinas
magazine last fall, urging Philippine-Americans to come
out of the closet regarding their appetite for dog
meat:  "Whether you have eaten it or not, deep down you
know you'd eat it.  Yet that restrictive idea of 'when
in America, do as Americans do' prevents us from
outright declaring 'Mmmm, I prefer my German shepherd
baked and my cocker spaniel sauteed.'" [San Francisco
Chronicle, 10-1-93] 

* In a prepared statement released in September, the
British firm Proteus International, manufacturer of a
new chemical neutering drug for animals, said the
product works by stopping sperm production.  "It also
shrinks the testicles," the firm stated, "but arguably
it is better to have shrunken testicles than no
testicles at all." [Chicago Sun-Times, 10-3-94] 

* In October, after an evening of drinking with
friends, Christopher Millwood, 20, was found dead with
his head, shoulders, and upper body wedged into a
Federal Express drop box in Hot Springs, Ark.  Police,
who knew of no motive for the incident, said Millwood
suffocated when his head got caught between the box and
a drawer inside. [Arkansas Democrat-Gazette-Hot Springs
Sentinel-Record, 10-19-94] 

   >                                  "but arguably
   >it is better to have shrunken testicles than no
   >testicles at all."
    
    I've heard Lisa Marie Presley has made similar comments...
    
    -b

    Stick to these news briefs Oppelt & I'll read ALL the stuff you post in
    the 'Box!!
    

    	Why should I care that you real all my stuff?  
    
    	But I'm glad that I can provide some stuff for you from time to
    	time that's easy enough for you to deal with!  :^)

    Moderately good answer!  Moderately good answer!!
    
    :-)
    
    |-{:-)
    

ELECTION RECAP

* Robert Garner, who won the Republican nomination for Hawaii's
congressional seat in September, dropped out of sight after that
and missed the entire campaign before losing the election in
November to incumbent Patsy Mink.  The party hired private
detectives to track him down but discovered his address and phone
number were invalid and that he had no credit history.  One person
who signed his original nominating petition said he thinks Garner
is well and may be living on a boat. [The State (Columbia, S. C.)
-AP, 10-24-94

* After a state legislative candidates' forum in Wentworth, N. C.,
in October, the wife of the Republican challenger tore into the
incumbent, Rep. Bertha "B" Holt, after accusing Holt of "smiling
and making fun of my husband" during his speech.  Said the wife,
Cathy Miller:  "I'd like to pull every white hair out of that
[deleted in original story] head."  Said candidate Ken Miller:  "I
think my wife is like any other female in a similar situation.
She was defending her own." [Greensboro News Record, Oct94]

* In September, after six losing quixotic campaigns for parliament
in Denmark, standup comedian Jacob Haugaard actually got elected.
Among his campaign promises this time were good weather, better
Christmas presents, guaranteed tail winds for all cyclists, and
standard-size dust bags in vacuum cleaners. [Wall St.  Journal,
10-6-94; Chicago Sun-Times-Reuters, 9-23-94]

* Reminding the public that the Endangered Species Act of 1973
applies to "mammals," two activist petitions were recently filed
with government agencies urging that (1) black Americans and (2)
Old Order Amish and Mennonites be given protection under the Act.
In the first, Milwaukee activists Bob Thompson and David Young
told the Milwaukee Sentinel in September that  since young black
males are about 15 times more likely to be murdered than whites,
some pristine wilderness should be established for their
preservation.  The U. S.  Department of the Interior once rejected
a similar petition for the Samish Indian Tribe on the ground that
its members were not "wild."  [[Milwaukee Sentinel], 9-26-94]

* In November, in what is believed to be the first-ever relocation
of its kind, the contents of a Paris sperm bank were transported
by truck about 2-1/2 miles to new facilities, with the logistical
detail reminiscent of the transfer of nuclear materials.  The
300,000 sperm samples, frozen in liquid nitrogen, along with
several hundred embryos, were insulated against spills and
vibrations, and a motorcycle guard assured that the truck, which
made four trips, could pass through all traffic signals without
stopping. [Washington Times-Reuters, 11-11- 94]

* A former municipal morgue attendant in Brisbane, Australia, told
reporters in July that the morgue routinely made available for
researchers a variety of organs from corpses without permission
from the families of the deceased.  In particular, he said the
morgue sold pituitary glands collected during the late- 1980s for
about 50 cents each in order to fund a staff Christmas party last
year.  [The Sunday Mail (Queensland), 7-10-94]

* In Brownsville, Tex., in September, Laura Lugo, 27, accused two
women of luring her to a Mexican clinic in 1992 when she was 8-1/2
months pregnant, drugging her, arranging for a C-section, and
stealing her baby.  Paulyna and Rosa Botello, Mexican nationals
who were living legally in the U. S., denied the charges and told
investigators at various times that each of them was the mother of
the child, who is now in a foster home.  As part of her lawsuit to
gain custody of the child, Lugo submitted to DNA testing, which
established a 99% likelihood that she is the mother. [Tampa
Tribune-AP, 9-24-94]

* Operating like noted police public-relations mascots Officer
Friendly and Officer McGruff, a costumed Barry J. Bullet visited
kindergartens and day-care centers in suburban Chicago earlier in
the year to tell kids, among other things, to hit the floor
immediately if they hear gunfire. [Chicago Sun-Times, May94]
use. [In These Times-National Catholic Reporter, 3-1-94]

* Early in the morning on October 30, a man described by the New
York Daily News as a "career criminal" was apprehended in the
middle of a burglary at an upscale Fire Island, N. Y., home.  The
residents had arisen to check out noises in the house but found no
one.  However, in the vicinity of a closet door, they heard
flatulence and discovered Richard Magpiong, 56, hiding in a
closet.  They held him until police arrived. [N. Y. Daily News,
11-1-94]

* Amil Dinsio, 58, filed a $15 million lawsuit in May against the
United Carolina Bank in Charlotte, N. C., from his federal prison
cell in Loretto, Pa., where he serving four years for robbing the
bank in 1992.  Sentencing guidelines call for consideration of the
amount of money involved in the robbery, and Dinsio accused the
bank of fraudulently inflating the amount, resulting in his
spending an extra 16 months in prison. [St. Petersburg Times-
Reuters, 5-16-94]

* Janet S. Robinson filed a lawsuit in Roanoke, Va., in April,
asking $100,000 in damages for an ankle injury she suffered when
hit by a truck.  The truck was a remote-controlled toy truck
operated by another customer at the Kay-Bee Toys store at Valley
View Mall.  Robinson called her injury "serious" and the
consequences of the accident "pain, humiliation, aggravation, and
disability." [Roanoke Times & World News, Apr94]

* Former Durham, N. C., police officer Bernard Bagley filed a
lawsuit in July against the police department, asking $3 million.
Bagley is serving two life sentences for shooting his wife to
death with his service revolver, and now says the department
should not have issued him a gun, since he was suffering from
anxiety attacks. [Durham Herald-Sun, 7-28-94]

* In July, ex-student Jason Wilkins sued the University of Idaho
for $940,000 to pay for injuries he suffered when he fell through
a third-story dormitory window while mooning students.  Wilkins
had climbed onto a three-foot-high heater to reach the window but
claimed the University should have posted warnings. [San Luis
Obispo Telegram-Tribune-AP, Aug94; USA Today, 8-23- 94]

* In August, comedian Jackie Mason told reporters he had filed a
$25 million lawsuit against the five theatrical groups responsible
for Broadway's Tony awards because they had failed to nominate him
in any category.  He claimed that the lack of recognition for his
one-man show "Jackie Mason:  Politically Incorrect," was "an
abridgment of my rights as a human being."  [Arizona Republic,
8-14-94]

* The Missouri Pacific Railroad announced in August that it had
paid an undisclosed amount of money to the families of a Mexican
couple to settle their wrongful-death lawsuit.  The two
undocumented immigrants were hit by a train and killed when they
stopped on the tracks near McAllen, Tex., to rest.  Law
enforcement officials said such immigrants often rest on railroad
tracks where they are safe from border patrol heat sensors.
[McAllen Monitor, 8-19-94]

* In October, Carla S. Koch filed a lawsuit in Cheshire, Conn.,
against the municipal dog-obedience school for an incident last
year in which she slipped in a puddle of dog drool and broke her
ankle.  She said the school should have had a mat on the floor.
[N. Y. Times-AP, 10-14-94]

* In April, University of Toronto English professor Eleanor Cook
was awarded grants totaling around $85,000 (U.S.) to spend the
next 2-1/2 years studying "the structure and function" of the
riddle.  Said Cook, "I want to think about long-term patterns in
riddles . . . and the long-term decisions in our lives." [Edmonton
Journal-Toronto Star, 4-29-94]

* During the third week in June, reporters in Huntington, Ind.,
and Providence, R. I., coincidentally published features about
local collectors of outhouses.  Huntington's Hy Goldenberg
collects actual privies, and now has 12, but Virginia Williams
collects only photographs of them, of which she now has about 100.
[Athens Messenger-AP, 6-16-94] [Providence Journal-Bulletin, 6-
16-94]

* Among current course selections at Oregon State University's
Food Science and Technology department is a one-credit class, "The
Maraschino Cherry." Among the lecturers were two retired
professors who returned especially to talk on the history of the
maraschino cherry.  Said course professor Ron Wrolstad, "I think
the students were just awed to have these professors there."
[[College News, Mar94]]

* The Los Angeles Times reported in July that engineer Walt
Netschert has invented a smokers' hat with a facial apparatus that
he says completely filters the noxious elements out of cigarette
smoke before it is released into the air.  A filtering locker,
which is about 6 inches square by 3 inches high, cleanses the
smoke and is strapped onto the smoker's forehead.  A clear plastic
shield drops down in front of his face to trap the smoke, which is
then drawn up into the filter.  Netschert, who has smoked for 40
years because cigarettes calm his nerves and who calls nonsmokers
"FAFs"--"Fresh Air Freaks"--hopes to sell the hats for $79.95. [L.
A. Times, 7-20-94]

    re: .100
    
    I can see the head line now....
    
    Farting Filcher Foiled during Fire Island Foul Play.  

    A man in Fairfax, VA stole an assistant DAs purse when she was going
    out to lunch.  He ended up calling her a few hours later requesting a
    ransom for the purse.  The police showed up at the meet point and
    arrested the purse snatcher, goods in hand.

* In August, a San Francisco insecticide company sponsored a
contest demonstrate its pest control prowess and selected as its
winner the home of Rosemary Mitchell, in Tulsa, Okla., as a
sufficient challenge.  Entomologist Austin Frishman, aka
television's Dr. Cockroach, began work on the home after
estimating that 60,000 to 100,000 cockroaches lived there.
Mitchell said, "I keep a pretty clean house," but admitted she had
to check the bed thoroughly every night and shake the shower
curtains off every morning.  Frishman said he has seen a lot worse
and rated Mitchell's house only a "3" on a scale of 1 to 5.
[Dallas Morning News-AP, 8-20-94]

* In July in Iowa City, Iowa, 26 pianists combined talents to play
"Vexations" by French composer Eric Satie, consisting of a single
sheet of music which must be played 840 consecutive times.  The
work is a single page of chords, with the admonition that it
should be played "Very Slow." Each repetition lasts 90 seconds;
the entire composition takes from 21 to 25 hours to play.  [Des
Moines Register, 7-16-94]

* In February, artist Lars Kraemmer of Vancouver, British
Columbia, emerged from a seven-week stint living in a 5-foot by
5-foot box that had been built using five of his paintings.
Kraemmer called his performance "Retreat" and said he saw dazzling
colors in the total darkness--an inspiration that led him to
develop a "new theory" of color during the seven weeks.  "One
thing it has done," said Kraemmer, "is put me at ease." [Edmonton
Journal, 2-11-94]

* Among the specialized, small-market magazines recently appearing
in Japan is Combustible Garbage [Moeru Gomi], by artist Tetsuo
Ogawa, 22, consisting merely of a vinyl bag of garbage from his
and his friends' apartments.  He solicits people to let him clean
their rooms and periodically "publishes" the results. [Mainichi
Daily News, 7-24-94]

* In May, a show at the Serpentine Gallery in London by British
artist Damien Hirst featured his brutal animal pieces, including
"Away from the Flock," a lamb embalmed in a glass case (which sold
for about $37,000).  In previous shows, he has featured "Mother
and Child Divided" (a dead cow and calf bisected, with the innards
in formaldehyde in a glass case), and a cow's head being devoured
by maggots (an exhibit which had to be refreshed every 36 hours
with a new head and maggots).  In New York City in May, he will
show skinned cows copulating.  [The Economist, 10-29-94]

* In August, several newspapers reported on the growing obsession
abroad, especially in Japan, with Levi's blue jeans from the 1950s
and 1960s.  As in America, used jeans sell for more than new ones,
but in Japan, vintage jeans bring as much as $5,000 a pair.  An
Associated Press writer noted that trendy Japanese magazines fuel
the jeans market by providing readers with "detailed instructions
on how to be hip."  (Used, sweaty Air Jordan shoes from the 1980s
sell for as much as $800 a pair.)  [New York Times, 8-22-94; St.
Louis Post- Dispatch-AP, 8-17-94]

* The New York Times reported in August on the increased pressure
from Muslim mullahs in Iran to outlaw the satellite TV dishes that
bring in Western programing, which is more popular among many
people than the three religious channels available locally.  Among
the most popular shows is "Baywatch," quite an alternative in
Iran, where even a woman's ankle cannot be exposed.  Said one
businessman, "We are addicted to shows like 'Donahue.'  Today,
Donahue had on a guy who has an open relationship with his
girlfriend. . . .  We couldn't believe it.  We never hear or talk
about this kind of thing."  (Iran permitted "live" broadcasts of
World Cup soccer matches this year from the U.  S., but only after
deleting summer crowd scenes, which featured much female skin, and
substituting winter crowd scenes, in which spectators were bundled
up.) [New York Times, 8-21-94]

* In August, the government of the Malaysian state of Perlis
announced it would crack down on conservative female Muslim
physicians who use pencils or pens or long objects to examine male
patients.  Many Muslims believe it is a sin if a woman touches a
man other than her husband. [Sioux Falls Argus Leader, 8-12-94]

* In July in Portland, Maine, Judge Robert E. Crowley found a
39-year-old Afghan refugee guilty of sexual assault against his
2-year-old son.  A neighbor had seen the man kiss the boy's penis,
but according to the man's lawyer, and about a dozen Afghanis who
attended the trial, that is accepted, and common, in Afghan
culture as a show of affection.  Crowley said the statute calls
the action illegal even if not done for sexual pleasure. [Portland
Press Herald, 7-27-94]

* On a trip to New York in January to receive a prestigious
international sports award, Chinese running phenom Wang Junxia,
20, told reporters that her daily regimen consists of up to 22
miles of running and a diet that usually includes worms, extract
of caterpillar fungus, and the blood of soft-shell turtles.  Wang
has broken so many world records that some suspected she was using
illegal drugs, but tests have always turned up negative.  Her
coach, Ma Junren, insists her secret is the worm elixir, which he
now bottles and sells worldwide, with revenues of at least $1
million. [New York Times, 2-1-94]

* In November, a heavily intoxicated 24-year-old man in Garfield,
N. J., died after he was run over by his own car that he was
driving.  He tumbled out while the car was in reverse, landing so
that the front wheel pinned his neck, suffocating him. [Newark
Star Ledger, 11-6-94]

    watta way to go...guess it beats eatin worms

	You know, he needs to push the idle higher. The car should be able to
go up hills on it's own.


Glen

    
    RE: .111
    
    Wonder if his family will sue him??

   Thanks again, Joe!

    .106
    
    This man lived in a box mad out of his own paintings.
    Obviously he inhales.
    
    

    
    Police in Middletown, Ohio, have arrested a high school principal and
    his wife, claiming they tried to hire the same hit man to kill each
    other.  Officials have also arrested the hit man, who relayed competing
    bid back and forth to the couple.
    

    
    Nothing like a little free enterprise.

    >Police in Middletown, Ohio, have arrested a high school principal and
    >his wife, claiming they tried to hire the same hit man to kill each
    >other.  Officials have also arrested the hit man, who relayed competing
    >bid back and forth to the couple.
    
    hit man missed a GOLDEN opportunity. perhaps it couldn't be avoided and
    these statement don't elaborate much detail. however, the hit man could
    have collected money from both, carried out the job, and left NO
    witnesses. perfect crime.

    
    One target of F-117A pilots during the Gulf War was the Baghdad switch-
    board, through which CNN's Peter Arnett was allowed to broadcast. The
    pilots, it seems, were no great fans of Arnett.  On the night of the
    strike, off-duty pilots gathered to watch the TV set and count down the
    seconds until, right on schedule, their screen suddenly went to a 
    roaring grey amid the cheers of the pilots.
    

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

* In June, the Central Park Zoo revealed that it had paid an
animal behaviorist $25,000 for psychotherapy for Gus, its
9-year-old polar bear, who was involved in various repetitive
behaviors, which the zoo director said could have been a mild
neurosis.  The behaviorist recommended creating games to make
Gus's life less monotonous. [Chicago Sun- Times-AP, 6-28-94]

* On a sanctuary island off the coast of Mauritius, England's
Jersey Wildlife Preservation Trust has run breeding programs for
seriously endangered species, including the extremely rare
Mauritius kestrel falcon and the equally rare Mauritius pink
pigeon.  In October, the Trust announced that one of the falcons
had swooped down and eaten one of the pigeons. [Globe &
Mail-Reuters, 10-10-94]

* Among the latest animal inheritances:  In January, Anna Morgan
of Seattle, Wash., left an estate valued at $500,000 to Tinker,
her 11-year- old Turkish Angora cat; Morgan's apartment will be
maintained, and a live-in caretaker hired, purely for Tinker's
benefit.  And in August in Santa Ana, Calif., the executor of
LaVerne Wheeler's $2.1 million estate announced that Wheeler's two
brothers would receive only $25,000 each, much to their chagrin,
but that the Santa Ana Police Department K-9 Corps would receive
$612,000. [Rocky Mountain News, 12-28-93; Monterey County
Herald-AP, 8-13-94]

* In June, the Brookfield (Mo.) News Bulletin reported that three
cows at the University of Missouri Forage Systems Research Center
near Linneus, Mo, have been surgically equipped with removable
"portholes" so that researchers can ascertain what the cows have
eaten.  Twice a week, animal science students reach into the cow's
stomach, remove the contents, send the cow out to graze, and then
re-check the stomach's contents when the cow returns.  According
to one student, the cow doesn't seem to mind the procedure.  "They
just stand there and ignore us." [Brookfield (Mo.) News Bulletin,
6-17-94]

JUST CAN'T STOP MYSELF

* In Belleville, Ill., in September, James Dowdy, 23, was
sentenced to three years in prison after being arrested carrying a
bag of stolen socks.  He was at the time on probation for another
sock theft and has never been accused of stealing anything except
socks. [St. Louis Post- Dispatch, 9-9-94]

* To help cleanse himself  from a 1993 vandalism episode, Robert
D.  Pollard Jr. wrote his community an "apology from the heart,"
published in the Winston-Salem (N. C.) Journal.  Writing that he
was "really and truly sorry," he went on for several paragraphs
about the "great change" in his life because of Jesus, who "has
really shown me that he is the only way out."  The Journal
published the letter on March 7, 1994.  Elsewhere in that edition
was a news story reporting that police had charged Pollard on
March 6 with punching his wife in the face with his fist.
[Winston-Salem Journal, 3-10-94]

* In October in Jacksonville, Fla., Wesley (Pop) Honeywood, 94,
was given a 7-year prison sentence on a charge of aggravated
assault for pulling a gun on a man who had yelled at him.  During
his life, Honeywood has been charged with 46 crimes; in the last
few years, prosecutors and judges have been lenient with him
because of his age, including giving him probation on a charge at
age 92 of having sex with a 7-year-old girl.  Honeywood's lawyer
said her client preferred jail to a nursing home. [New York
Times-AP, 11-6-94; St. Petersburg Times-
AP, 9-24-94]

* Betty Lou Blair, 48, was arrested in October after holding
Knoxville, Tenn., police at bay with a shotgun for more than hour.
Over the last twelve years, Blair has been arrested 425 times,
mostly for behaviors induced by alcohol consumption, such as
disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, and urinating in public.
[Knoxville News-Sentinel, 10-27-94]

* Within a three-month period this year, the heads of both
Arkansas State University and the Arkansas School for the Blind
left their jobs because of scandals.  In April ASU president John
Mangieri was fired after his two secretaries testified that they
had seen him masturbating in his office.  (Mangieri denied the
charge and produced three doctors' letters stating that a medical
condition had destroyed his sex drive.)  In June, ASB
superintendent Leonard Ogburn resigned after allegedly spanking a
female teacher as part of a job evaluation.  [Arkansas
Democrat-Gazette, 4-8-94, 9-24-94; Dallas Morning News, 7-10-94]

* In October at the annual Living in Leather convention in
Toronto, Canadian entrepreneur Cam Ferry unveiled a "portable
dungeon" at $1,450 (Canadian) to sell in his local S&M store,
Binding Leather.  Its four-foot by eight-foot base holds four
detachable posts and two stocks, with snug holes for head, hands,
and feet.  In the center is a seesaw.  [Globe & Mail, 10-10-94]

* In September, Tucson, Ariz., police arrested a 41-year-old man
who a witness said appeared to be trying to coax horses from the
University of Arizona Agricultural Center toward him with food,
which he was holding near his exposed penis as if to invite oral
sex.  Police had warned the man in June against similar behavior.
Also in September, in Warren, Ohio, a 31-year-old employee of the
county's Sanitary Engineering Department was suspended for five
days for sexually fondling a dog while on duty. [Arizona Daily
Wildcat, 9-19-94; Warren Tribune Chronicle, 10-1-94]

* In October, it was reported that two men had been arrested in
Tavares, Fla., in the back of a van in a public park, charged with
committing an unnatural and lascivious act, but that their
explanation was that they were merely examining and discussing the
penile implant that one of them had just gotten.  In November,
a jury believed their story and acquitted the men. [Orlando
Sentinel, Nov94]

    The last one really made me cock my head.

    
    Get a grip on yourself, Glenn.
    

I'm happy to see that there's so little crime in Illinois that they can
afford the jail space for a sock thief.

   >* Within a three-month period this year, the heads of both
   >Arkansas State University and the Arkansas School for the Blind
   >left their jobs because of scandals.  In April ASU president John
   >Mangieri was fired after his two secretaries testified that they
   >had seen him masturbating in his office.  (Mangieri denied the
   >charge and produced three doctors' letters stating that a medical
   >condition had destroyed his sex drive.)  In June, ASB
   >superintendent Leonard Ogburn resigned after allegedly spanking a
   >female teacher as part of a job evaluation.  [Arkansas
   >Democrat-Gazette, 4-8-94, 9-24-94; Dallas Morning News, 7-10-94]
    
    Mr. Mangieri of ASU better be careful, or he'll end up at the
    ASB!
    
    -b

    Well, after reading those, I don't think I will, they'll put me in the
    dock!

    
   >In April ASU president John
   >Mangieri was fired after his two secretaries testified that they
   >had seen him masturbating in his office.
    
    Seriously...hasn't Jocelyn Elders returned to her previous job at ASU?
    

    There's something about Arkansas I guess...

    
    .128:
    
    I can see where that would warrant a stiff sentence.
    

    The hand of justice was upon him...

    
    Onan The Librarian
    

    Who spilled his seed in the fact or fiction section of the Watford
    public library.

    Joe,
    
    These are great; where can we get them once you are Oraclized?
    

    	You know, I really don't know.  I get them from someone on
    	the internet, who gets them from someone else... Somewhere
    	there is a head of the chain, and whe I find out how to get 
    	on that distribution list, I'll post it here.

* Among the Republicans swept into office in November was Steve
Mansfield, elected to Texas's highest court that handles criminal
appeals.  Among Mansfield's pre-election lies or exaggerations
(freely admitted in a post-election interview in the publication
Texas Lawyer) were his claim of vast criminal-court experience (he
is an insurance and tax lawyer), that he was born in Texas
(actually, Massachusetts), that he dated a woman "who died" (she
is still alive), and that he had "appeared" in courts in Illinois
(never) and Florida (advised a friend of his, but not as a
lawyer).  During the interview, Mansfield said that he lived in
Houston as a kid, but when the reporter asked him if that was a
lie, Mansfield reluctantly admitted it was.  Mansfield called
those and other instances "puffery" and "exaggerations" and said
he would stop doing that now that he is one of the highest-
ranking judges in Texas. [Texas Lawyer, 11-21-94; Houston Press,
11-17-94]

* In September, a judge in Santa Ana, Calif., suspended a murder
trial for one day so that a juror could get medical help after she
mistook nail adhesive for contact lens cleaner and glued her eye
shut during a recess. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 9-28-94]

* In July, an Army National Guard unit on maneuvers near Grayling,
Mich., miscalculated in firing a 105mm artillery shell,  and
instead of providing tactical cover for troops, blasted the yard
of Robert and Joan Hutton in a subdivision in the next county,
sending shrapnel and smoke through the house. [Chicago Tribune,
7-20-94]

* The Times (London) reported in August that a woman was taken to
Wexham Park Hospital in Berkshire after falling from a tree in a
park just a few hundred meters from Windsor Castle.  According to
rangers at the Windsor Great Park, she fell out of the tree,
naked, during a lovemaking session with her boyfriend. [The Times,
8-2-94]

* In April, runner Mauro Prosperi took a wrong turn and got lost
in the desert between Morocco and Algeria during the Des Sables
marathon.  He was missing for nine days.  And in August, Tobago
marathoner Michael Alexander, out for a practice run in Burbank,
Calif., took a wrong turn and was missing for 13 hours in the San
Fernando Valley.  During that time, he jogged four miles illegally
on the Ventura Freeway and called a relative in Tobago to ask for
help.  [Globe & Mail, 5-3-94; Los Angeles Times, 8-3-94]

* Paul D. Kimball, 25, was charged with sexual assault in Ogden,
Utah, in August.  Even though he escaped, he was identified by the
woman he allegedly assaulted because he left her house without his
pants, which contained his wallet. [Salt Lake Tribune, 8-10-94]

* During a spirited on-stage sword fight during a September
performance of  the opera, "The Vagabond King," in Denver, Colo.,
one of the swords broke off, flew through the air, and severed the
bow of a violinist in the orchestra. Opera officials were
considering stringing a net over the orchestra pit for protection.
[[Milwaukee Journal-Scripps Howard, Sept94]]

* Among recent truck spills:  In Adams County, Colo., in May, 200
tons of carpet-tacking strips with nails; near Remington, Va., in
September, 20 tons of jalapeno pepper powder.  And in February, in
Michigan, a 30-ton, 2,400-square-foot house being driven across
largely-frozen Lake Walloon, fell through the ice. [Rocky Mountain
News, 5-22-94; Washington Times-AP, 9-28-94; Chicago Tribune-
AP, 2-14-94]

* In September, the makers of Michelin tires said they would
reformulate a substance used to make new-model tires grip the road
better on wet pavement because the old formula permitted a buildup
of static electricity.  For months, attendants on the Illinois
Tollway had reported taking measures to insulate themselves every
time new Honda Accords (which feature the new Michelin tires)
stopped to pay tolls.  Some attendants even refused to accept
money from some drivers for fear of shocks. [Kansas City
Star-Chicago Tribune, 9-21- 94]

* According to a September issue of American Medical News,
physicians at the Medical College of Georgia and engineers at
Georgia Tech are working to develop a synthetic finger to enable
a person in one site to be touched and a doctor at another site to
feel exactly what would be felt if the doctor were touching him in
person.  [American Medical News, 9-5-94]

* At a June open house, officials at the Sandia National
Laboratories demonstrated its latest law enforcement technology,
including strobe lights that make criminals disoriented and
nauseous (but Sandia has not yet perfected eye shields to immunize
police officers from the light), a receiver inside an officer's
gun so he can disable it if a criminal steals it, and a gun that
shoots out a goo so sticky (actually developed by a guy named Tom
Goolsby) that it completely immobilizes the target. [Albuquerque
Journal, 6-3-94]

* In November, the Netherlands Liver and Intestine Foundation,
which supports research on digestive problems, announced a
publicity campaign to encourage people to pass gas as much as 15
times a day to ease intestinal discomfort. [Montreal
Gazette-Reuters, 11-10-94]

* In July in Kirkland, Wash., a 30-year-old man on a motorcycle,
who said he wanted to test a radar sign that measures how fast
vehicles approaching it are traveling, rode to the end of the
street, turned around, gunned his engine, and raced toward the
sign, which he watched rise to "59" mph.  However, the man then
smashed into the sign; he was taken to Evergreen Hospital Medical
Center with numerous cuts and bruises. [Seattle Times, 7-8-94]


* In November, a jury in Taos, New Mexico, deadlocked for a second
time in five months on a charge of vehicular homicide against
Gordon House, 35.  In December 1992, according to police
investigators, House drank at least 17 beers and then, driving
89.9 mph the wrong way on an interstate highway near Albuquerque,
rammed another car, killing a woman and her three young daughters.
House denied he was drunk and said he was not responsible in that
he had a severe migraine headache at the time. [Albuquerque
Journal, several May 1994, November 1994 stories]

    >* During a spirited on-stage sword fight during a September
    >performance of  the opera, "The Vagabond King," in Denver, Colo.,
    >one of the swords broke off, flew through the air, and severed the
    >bow of a violinist in the orchestra. Opera officials were
    >considering stringing a net over the orchestra pit for protection.
    >[[Milwaukee Journal-Scripps Howard, Sept94]]
    
    Apparently, they've never heard of "props"
    
    Actually, I was once poked rather nastily in the naughty bits
    by a violinist during a performance of Gustav Mahler's 8th
    Symphony... damn small stages!!! Anyway, I guess I can consider
    this payback in absentia...
    
    -b

    liked the one about the woman fallin from the tree naked.

    Only if it were true:
    
    Mayor Marion Barry, in his first full day in office, issued executive
    orders making the illegal parking statutes in DC illegal and abolishing
    the anti-drug laws of Washington. 

    
    Mayor Marion Barry, gram for gram the best candidate for the job...

    (seen on an office wall here in CXO1)

                                  Roak

    Heard the "Capitol Steps" compare Marion Barry to a Social Disease...
    
    *  It's embarrassing
    *  It's recurring
    *  It responds well to drugs
    

    re: .137
    
    And hear I thought that Murphy Brown was a funny show this week but a
    *reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal* stretch.
    
    Guess not.
    
    								-mr. bill

 Warning: The following is not for the squeamish


 I'm tellin' ya


 OK..



 MAN CUTS OUT EYEBALL AFTER SEEING PENTAGRAM IN IRIS


 Merriam, Kan (AP)

 A man who thought he saw a pentagram in the iris of his right eyeball
 popped it out of his head, used a knife to cut the tendons and flushed
 it down the toilet, police said.

 The 26 year old man, who was not identified, told authorities he looked
 in the mirror Sunday evening and saw the pentagram, a five-pointed star
 commonly associated with the occult.

 The man told police he had to remove the eyeball because he couldn't 
 remove the pentagram.

 "The paramedics said his eye looked puffy and red.  It just looked like
 somebody punched him", said police Lt. Bill Lietzke.


 "But they opened up the eyelid and pointed a flashlight in there and his
 eyeball was gone".



 

    	Wait until he shaves his head and he finds a birthmark in the
    	shape of three sixes...

    %$#%ing idiot. Well now he'll find out what it's like to go through
    life with one eye. Maybe he'll even be lucky and not have the specter
    of losing his other eye hanging over him (like I do). Lay off the
    LSD you moron, or seek psychological help next time you have the
    urge to flush one of God's greatest gifts down the loo!!!
    
    -b

>    	Wait until he shaves his head and he finds a birthmark in the
>    	shape of three sixes...

Well, if he were to bring it in here, he could count on it being defaced.

    .114
    
    Yeah, Marion is going to make a crack mayor.  He'll keep 'em in line.
    He'll smoke out his opposition.
    
    ;^)
    

    borders on the Wacky - maybe Vengeful!
    
    Marion has authorized the City to bill former mayor Kelly for 3 police
    officers acting as private guards...on the surface nothing wrong - City
    is desperate financial shape and Kelly has not touched the huge golden
    parachute PEPCO paid her in 1990.
    
    Seems Marion was peeved when Kelly billed him in 1990 for 2 cops acting
    as his security when he left office-the last time.

 Boston Globe Jan. 11,1995 pg. 17,21


Accused woman says she'll drink and drive

By Geeta Anand

FRAMINGHAM - As she sat in jail yesterday after what she said was her 25th 
drunken-driving arrest, wanting a cigarette but otherwise feeling fine, Joan 
Vitaris could think of nothing anyone could do to keep here off the roads.

  Vitaris said she has been through two rehabilitation programs for alcohol 
abuse and served two prison terms for drunken driving during the past two 
decades. But she said the experience has not discouraged her from climbing 
behind the wheel - time and time again - while intoxicated.

  "I really don't think I'm a danger," said the 41-year old North Grafton 
woman during an hour-long interview yesterday at the Massachusetts 
Correctional Institute at Framingham. "And there's no other way to get 
around."

  Vitaris, who is being held without bail, was arrested early Sunday in 
Hopkinton by a police officer who said he spotted her Buick Skyhawk weaving 
along West Main Street about 3 a.m. Police discovered her Massachusetts  
driver's license had been suspended eight years ago, and prosecutors checking 
records in three states found 15 drunken-driving convictions against her.

  Vitaris volunteered the information that she had been arrested 25 times 
across the country for drunken driving, before pleading not guilty Monday in 
Framingham District Court to the charge of driving under the influence of 
alcohol.

  Seated in a large, fluorescent-bulb lit visiting room at the jail, Vitaris 
said: "I can't believe I'm back here again. I'd forgotten how degrading and 
humiliating it was."

  Yet, by her own account, Vitaris has continued to drink and drive. She was 
first arrested for driving drunk at the age of 18, soon after graduating high 
school in Grafton. She describes a tough life across three states, laden with 
many disappointments - a failed marriage, broken relationships.

  Last month, she left San Diego where she had been charged with driving drunk 
and injuring someone. She said the charges were dropped, and she came home to 
care for her elderly parents. California authorities have maintained the 
charges are pending and say they consider her a fugitive from justice.

  Vitaris said she bought a car and drove cross-country, knowing her license 
was suspended in Massachusetts. And by her own admission, she was at the wheel 
last weekend after drinking at a Hudson bar.

  Asked about the dangers of drinking and driving yesterday, Vitaris said she 
considered it safe for her to drive after drinking. She complained that the 
blood-alcohol level indicating drunkenness was set artificially low, that no 
one was drunk at a blood-alcohol level of .08 percent, the state's threshold 
for driving while intoxicated.

  The problem, she said, was that she kept getting caught.

  But pressed, she recanted almost immediately and acknowledged that drunk 
drivers cause many accidents. She said she knew she really shouldn't drive 
after drinking. She said she couldn't help herself.

  Responding to Vitaris' case, Brackett Denniston, Gov. Weld's chief legal 
counsel, rushed yesterday to emphasize the harsher penalties for drunken 
driving that the state implemented last year, including the lower alcohol 
threshold and harsher penalties for repeat offenders. But for a small group of 
people, Denniston said, there is no deterrent, and the only alternative is 
jail. Vitaris faces a 2 to 5 year sentence if convicted on the drunken-driving 
charge.

  Vitaris balked at the prospect of a long jail sentence, saying she had never 
committed a violent crime - never robbed or assaulted anyone. But presented 
with the question of what, if anything, would persuade her to stay off the 
road after drinking, Vitaris paused momentarily and then answered, "Nothing."

  What if she hurt or killed someone while driving drunk?

  Vitaris was silent for a long time. Then softly, she said: "You know, that's 
probably the only thing that would stop me."
  

    Someone or something has been busy lately on alt.religion.scientology, the 
   Usenet newsgroup that carries the escalating flamewar on the Internet 
   between the Church of Scientology and its critics. Over the past few weeks, 
   dozens of messages -- some of which contained documents the church 
   considers secret and sacred -- have mysteriously disappeared. Dennis 
   Erlich, a former Scientology minister, accuses the church of unleashing a 
   "robot canceler" that deleted his messages. A spokesperson calls his 
   charges "baseless." Erlich says he will repost the material as soon as he 
   figures out why his phone line suddenly went dead. 

    heard on the radio this AM but didn't get the location;
    
    guy decides to go 4-wheeling and somehow wanders onto a nearby army
    base and it's mine field...luckily he stopped and was rescued by a
    half-track

    A guy working the the morgue in Baltimore was fired after a hidden
    camera showed that he was stealing person items off corpses when they
    were brought in for autopies.  Items stolen included jewelry, gold
    tooth and hiking boots...yes, HIKING BOOTS!

    
    Why let them go to waste???
    

    I wonder if any of them were eaters?

    Are you suggesting we eat my mother?

    Um
    
    yea, NOT RAW! NOT RAW! We'd cook 'er. She'd be delicious with a few
    french fries a little brock-o-lie 'en stuffin', delicious!
    
    {smack smack smack}

    Ummmmm..... all right.
    
    -b

    	
    Tell you what.  We'll eat your mum, and if you feel a bit guilty about it 
    afterwards, we'll dig a grave and you can throw up into it.
    

    
    <---------
    
    Is that an "oral exploit"???
    

    
    Not in MY Little Chamber you don't 8^).

	That's for Mz Debra's little chamber of horror's...%^)

re: .155, Ron

Mine field and target range, I believe. The other part I heard was that
they were going to confiscate (as in "Leave it where it is") his 4x4,
which would become yet another target.

* In November, a judge in Oakland, Calif., dismissed the 1992
libel lawsuit filed by More University against its former student,
Allan Steele, along with Steele's counterclaim of fraud.  Steele
had become disillusioned after allegedly paying more than $200,000
in tuition for a "Ph.D. in Sensuality" and had termed the school
merely a cult that featured prostitution and drug use.  More's
lawyers told the court that Steele was happy enough with the
school when it awarded him a certificate for his ability to
achieve a "Victor-accepted orgasm" and when he was performing
sexual techniques for the campus station KLIT-TV. [Oakland
Tribune, 11-19-94]

* In August, Aaron Miller, 17, an Amish man, tried to outrun
sheriff's deputies for four miles in his buggy near Leon, N. Y.
The officers followed patiently in their cruiser and ultimately
charged Miller with traffic violations. [Buffalo News, 8-9-94]

* Dallas County (Missouri) prosecutor Wayne Rieschel told
reporters in May that, after consulting with the state attorney
general's office, he could find no law of any kind violated by the
owner of a tanning salon who secretly videotaped his female
customers nude.  Among the 83 victims were Rieschel's wife and
daughter. [Albuquerque Journal-AP, 5-26-94]

* In April, prosecutors in Gastonia, N. C., charged Rev. William
Darryl Lippard, 40, who was already in jail awaiting retrial on a
sexual assault charge, with manufacturing wine in his cell.
Jailers confiscated sugar, milk cartons, and glass jars, and said
Lippard was selling the wine to other inmates. [Charlotte
Observer, 4-19-94]

* In May, St. Peters, Mo. (population 45,000), became the first
city in the country to post traffic signs exclusively in metric
measures.  (For example, "Speed Limit 35" signs overnight became
"Speed Limit 60" signs.)  Said the public works director, "We're
pretty progressive here in St. Peters."  According to an
Associated Press reporter, the director may have misunderstood
federal regulations on timetables for conversions. [Columbus
Dispatch-AP, May94]

* In June, student and former football player Keary Johns, 23,
filed a lawsuit against political science professor Julian Foster
of California State University, Fullerton.  According to Johns,
when he asked Foster's permission to drop his course, which he was
failing, Foster gave him the option of an F grade or six lashes on
his bare bottom, and Johns, to save his grade average, took the
spanking, which he now calls inappropriate and humiliating. [Los
Angeles Times, 6-11-94]

* In Haddam, Conn., just before a vote on the school budget, about
20 anonymously posted signs appeared around town reading "For
Christ's Sake, Vote No."  The budget, which had been rejected
twice before, passed by 34 votes this time, and supporters
attributed the reversal to the signs' offensiveness.  [Hartford
Courant, 6-3-94]

* On December 8, the Rhode Island attorney general ended a 20-
year legal battle with old-tire collector Bill Davis by getting
him to agree to clean up gradually his Smithfield, R. I., mountain
of tires, which he estimates at 33 million and which the state
says is a fire hazard.  Davis started his collection as an
investment against the return of a 1970s-style oil embargo because
the rubber in tires is a source of  petroleum. [Providence
Journal-Bulletin, 12-9-94]

    .156
    
    We can't have the dead walking around, can we ?
    

Nashua -- Shane Barry of Nashua told police he saw a man acting suspiciously
near some cars outside his home, so he confronted him.  The man responded by
lurching toward him and thrusting a pet opossum on Barry, he told police.
Barry, 26, said the animal bit him several times on the right hand, puncturing
his thumb.  Police said they were looking for the suspect, who they believe
is a Nashua resident. (AP)

    Now I know what I can do with Spike...attack squirrel at large!!!

    Ban assault opossums.

    I wouldn't want to reload one of those, at first.

If somebody attacks you with an opossum, play dead.

Ban prehensile tails!

    Shhhhh! If oberstfeuhrer Brady hears you they'll end up on the
    list... Or at the very least a background check will be required
    prior to ownership...
    
    Chip

    
    From the Shirley Police Log for Monday, January 9, 1995
    
    Noise complaint - loud game of cribbage.  Peace restored.
    
    
    Thank goodness.

    Musta been some serious peggin' going on there!

    Ban Cribbage.
    

    
    
    
    fifteen two, fifteen four....

    a double run for 12 and the right jack is 13.

    	A newspaper item from my hometown a couple months back...
    
    	A resident reported a drive-by shooting.  Upon further
    investigation, it was determined that someone had thrown a rock at a
    pedestrian.
    
    	This also..
    
    	It was reported that someone ran over a curb.  There were no
    damages.
    
    	Now you know what kind of town I grew up in. :-)

    
    >a double run for 12 and the right jack is 13.
    
    
    The "right jack"?  I always call it the "happy jack" 8^).

    Ban assault cribbage boards.  They are easily spotted by the camo
    appearance.  

"right jack" vs "happy jack"

These exchanges are the breeding ground that turn
a civilized game into a drunken slugfest requiting
local police intervention.  And it's well-known (by
me) that cribbage leads to welfare, crime, and other
deteriorations of society.

Ban "Trouble" too, I say!  That Pop-O-Matic surely
violates the local noise ordinances.

Ban all board games!!!

    the right jack, more properly called the right bower, is the jack of
    trumps in euchre.  the jack that is worth extra points in cribbage can
    be one of two things:
    
    1.  if a jack is turned on the cut, it's the nob, and it's worth two.
    
    2.  if a hand contains the jack of the suit turned on the cut, it's his
        heels, and it's worth one.
    
    nnttm.

    oh, so that's where the term "nob off" comes from. ;-)

    
    And that means three fives with nobby jack with a 5 cut..=
    
    			...a hole in the head for the cheater!!!!

    .192
    
    i've never seen a 29 hand, but i've seen the setup for it three times.
    even without that last five, it's not a bad hand.  i'll settle for 14,
    and a chance to peg a couple, most any day.

    	I prefer getting bunches of 6-7-8-9's.  Or 4-5-6's.  Those
    	12's (and especially if they turn to 24's) are game breakers.

    
    
    But I like double-skunking the opposition!!!!!

    A VMS cribbage program dealt me a 29-point hand once.
    
    
    				-- edp
    
    
Public key fingerprint:  8e ad 63 61 ba 0c 26 86  32 0a 7d 28 db e7 6f 75
To find PGP, read note 2688.4 in Humane::IBMPC_Shareware.

    .197
    
    should we assume that you programmed it and that it knew its daddy?

    	re .197
    
    	That's because your Public key fingerprint smudged the cards.

 Wacky News snarf

    

    >From InfoWorld, 23-Jan-1995, page 114:

    "And speaking of natural disasters, Digital Equipment Corp., in  the
    latest issue of its inForm magazine for VAX and alpha users, lists the 
    tech support order line as "800-DIGITAL [(800) 344-3825]."  Of course
    the  correct letter-to-number conversion is (800) 344-4825.  The 3825
    number is a  phone sex service.  Maybe that's how Digital posted a
    profit last quarter."
    
    ... I knew it was only a matter of time before we found our market
    niche.
    
    
    Intern
    

    
    

BTW, don't try to call the "almost" 800-DIGITAL line from most DEC phones
in the GMA.

Apparently someone ordered Digital Telecom to block access to that one
specific number.

/john

    how do you know, John?
    
    DougO

Because I dialed it to see if the story was bogus, and was not able
to reach the 800 number from DEC phones, but could from a pay phone.

There is an internal recording, from the PBX, blocking the calls.

/john

	Doug, you should know by now that john will spend mucho time on finding
ways he can do what he is not supposed to. the phone number is one example,
=wn= is an even better one.

From the North Tahoe Truckee Week....

From the close calls files....

In September, near Queensville Ontario, skydiving student Sharon McClelland, 
26, who had just amazingly survived a 10,000-foot plunge into a marsh when her 
parachute malfunctioned, struggled to her feet and rushed to apologize to her 
instructor Kevin Killin because she had not followed procedures to open up her 
back up chute.  

From the NIMBY files...

In October oganizers of a pop music concert at Hong Kong Stadium announced 
that they had reached an accommodation with nearby residents who fear the loud 
noise.  Organizers will give out 17,500 pairs of gloves for the audience to 
wear so that when they applaud their idols, they won't make very much noise.  

And you wonder why folks "go postal".....

In August, postal clerk Joannie McCaughery and three others were issued formal 
reprimands by their supervisor in Cambridge, MA because they had punched in 
for work at 8:59 a.m. for a 9:00 a.m. shift.  "Future deficiencies....will 
result in more severe disciplinary action" read the reprimand, "including 
suspension or removal from the Postal Service." Said the supervisor, Michael 
Hannon, "It would become an abusive situation" if every employee wanted to 
punch in one minute early every day.  

>Doug, you should know by now that john will spend mucho time on finding
>ways he can do what he is not supposed to. the phone number is one example,

Grow up, Glen.

What was I not supposed to do?

/john

	Maybe calling a known sex line from a Digital phone? 

And where is that forbidden?

/john

	John, why don't you send Bob Palmer a note and ask if you can call the
sex lines. OR, why don't you just call them and wait for the phone bill comes
in. Let's see how long it takes before they talk to you. Oh yeah... why do you
think they blocked the number from DEC phones? Because it was ok to call? 


Glen

Heard on perpetual news this a.m., France started a revolutionary idea. There
are supermarkets for selecting funeral accoutrements. You can just go up and
down the isles with your shopping basket and pick out caskets, flowers, ...and
whatever else one needs for the occassion.

They're starting one in London this week.

A spokesperson responded to the observation that people may resent such a casual
way of honoring the dear departed by saying "They may at first...but they'll get
used to it".

Opportunity knocks -- and sounds like Beetovens' Fifth.
	

Glen, it's an 800 number, so it won't show up on the phone bill.

	Gerald, I thought they did, because I know local numbers do.

    
    
    Sounds interesting, Brandon.  Do they have home embalming kits and all? 
    I wonder of they charge extra for assebling the casket there. :')

Glen, charges for 800 numbers are not permitted to show up on phone bills.

/john

Hmmmmm....and just why are you asking Micheal?

You planning some "Do It Yourself"...renovations?

    
    
    Just struck me as funny.  I can imagine all the aisles and accessories.
    
    As for when I go, just dig a hole and plant me.......no need for all
    the other stuff.
    
    Mike

So, do they have shopping carts so that you lug along your
dearly departed and try on shrouds, casket styles, etc.?

I didn't get too many details about the configuration but heard that the aisles
(thanks Mike) were wide and the store was well lighted. (No thematic displays
I suppose)...I really hope they don't expect in-store tryouts...but even the
thought of hearing "Attention shoppers, for the next five minutes all crypts
will be reduced"...leaves a funny taste in my mouth.

I hope they have a nice selection of urns.

I've always hoped to be put in one with a paisley motif.

If one of these places opens locally, I'll be sure to go in 
and make a fool of myself.  ("What do you think honey, do I look
better in the mahogany or the oak?")

I'd probably have no need to shop there, since cremation is my
preference, unless they might provide that service as well?
In by 9, out by 5, or something?

    -1 cremation for me, but can you see the sign?
    
    
               For The Do-It-Yourself Home Carpenter 
    
                        Unassembled Casket
    
    

    
    
    Gee Jack, I always thought you'd go for the Milwaukee's Best motif...
    
    
    Actually it does seem strange but could be a good idea.  A person could
    go in and pick out a package and keep it on file at the store.  This
    way it would save the family having to do this chore when they are at a
    vulnerable time in their lives grieving a loved one.  I can hear the
    catchy slogans now.........
    
    
    

"My pattern is on file at Klutzbaum's Mortuarama"

Do these places have a registry (like a bridal registry)?

A registry, eh?  Could be a problem if I pick a pattern now.
What if I don't snuff it for, say, another 40 years, and my 
selections have been discontinued?

I'd better keep a cigar box in hand, just to be safe.

Good point, Jack.  I'd hate to burden my mourners
with a social faux pas on top of the unbearable
grief re: my passing on.  ;^)

Guess I'd better stick with the basic navy blue
and gold trim and forget that Lion King urn.

    What a concept:
    
    "Can I help you, sir?"
    
    	"No thanks ... just browsing."
    
    "Sure ... let me know if I can help."
    
    	"This is a pretty neat one. How much?"
    
    "Oh, that's a dandy casket ... hop in. I'll get you a 
     satin pillow and you can try 'er out."
    
    
    /Intern
    

    	I could never understand pre-planning for a funeral.  
    
    	The way I figure it, after you're dead for 3 days or so, SOMEBODY
    	will bury you...

    
    
    RE: .231...
    Why doesn't this surprise me??
    
    
    
    
    :*)
    Terrie
    

>>    	I could never understand pre-planning for a funeral.  

	I could never understand "pre-planning".  

    .233
    Every spring my Aunt (73 years old) goes to the cemetary to put flowers
    on her late husbands grave. At the same time she puts them on her grave
    site as well just to see what it will look like when she dies.

	 .234

	er, the point was that "pre-planning" is redundant.

"Pre-planning", I love that word.

What is it, like, getting ready to plan,
but you can't quite commit to planning just
yet?

As the 17th century haiku poet Basho wrote when coming upon a grave among bamboo
shoots:

	"Ah the vicissitudes of life.
	Sad, after all to finally 
	become a bamboo shoot"

    	AHD says:
    
    	pre-plan, intr & tr. v., to make plans or plan in advance.
    
    	I don't see what the problem is with the word pre-planning.  It
    	certainly gets the point across as far as I am concerned!

    
    Yes, I suppose it would make sense to us.  We work for Digital,
    where just "planning" would be assumed to mean "post-planning".
    
    Elsewhere, the "pre-" would be the default, howsomever...  bb

    I will have to pre-think about this....

	Interesting that the new American Heritage College Dictionary
	(third edition) doesn't list it, although they do list stuff
	like "cyberpunk" and "voice mail".  ;>

    do they list "alright" ?

>>    do they list "alright" ?

	Yes, but it's "non-standard".  The usage note at "all right" says
	that it probably should have followed the same orthographic 
	development as "already" and "altogether", but despite its use by
	a number of reputable authors [Deirdre, Ursula, etc.], the 
	spelling "alright" has never been accepted as a standard variant.

>	                                           but despite its use by
>	a number of reputable authors [Deirdre, Ursula, etc.]

But they're foreigners!  

    So what you're saying is, I'm a trend setter?
    
    That's alright with me.

Does Boutros Boutros use "alright"?

    Oh sure Jack, make fun of my illness.

    
    A former SO of mine, a mortician (DON'T say it), called it "pre-need
    planning".         

    Re .238:
    
    a) Nobody said that "pre-plan" did not have a meaning, just that it's
    redundant.
    
    b) AHD stinks.
    
    
    				-- edp
    
    
Public key fingerprint:  8e ad 63 61 ba 0c 26 86  32 0a 7d 28 db e7 6f 75
To find PGP, read note 2688.4 in Humane::IBMPC_Shareware.

    You had an undertaker for a SO? 
    
    Did he bring home any eatahs?

I remember an Ann Landers/Dear Abby type column in which a woman complained
that her undertaker husband insisted that she take a cold bath before sex
and that she lie perfectly still during the act.

>>    You had an undertaker for a SO? 

	So did I.  Kind of a trip, ain't it Debster?  ;>

    b) AHD stinks.

	edp, it seems a lot of people think that.  What do you rely on
	for reference - Webster's? (assuming that you don't have the
	OED in your office).  Too bad we can't get Chambers over 
	here - at least I don't think we can.      

    
    No eatahs 8^).
    
    And btw, he preferred "Mortician, Funeral Director and Certified
    Embalmer" to "Undertaker".

    b) AHD stinks.

	I've heard people say that about edp...... so many accronyms...

    So this SO didn't claim to deal with stiffs?

    
    He WAS one, that's for sure 8^p.

That's good, no?

    I like the idea of reducing funeral costs, but must the families do
    the embalming/cremations themselves????
    
    
    I can just see my sister trying to stuff me into her over :-}
    

    Ooops, make that her oven!!
    

My family almost resorted to do-it-yourself cremation
when my grandmother died in 1987.  During that spring,
New Englanders may recall, we received a week or so of
massive rain.  Grandma died that week. She had made it
known that she wished to be cremated.  Well, due to the
weather, the local facility was inaccessible, so Grandma
had to remain on ice for more than a few days.

Then, once the cremation was finally done, we found out
that in New York City, where her ashes were to be buried, 
the cemetery workers were on strike!

It took several weeks to finally put her "to rest" at the
Lutheran Cemetery in Queens.  (Plus we had to drive from
Boston to NYC with her ashes in the trunk.  eeeeuuuwwwww.....)

    
      My mom (almost 80) has my Dad's ashes in a cute little urn.
    
      bb

    what's a little earn?
    
     Chip

    .264
    My wages at Digital!!!!

    Re .253:
    
    Merriam-Webster's is okay.  "Webster's" has been licensed too freely.
    
    
    				-- edp
    
    
Public key fingerprint:  8e ad 63 61 ba 0c 26 86  32 0a 7d 28 db e7 6f 75
To find PGP, read note 2688.4 in Humane::IBMPC_Shareware.

Wrong.  The name Webster's is public domain.

    hey grams and dads ashes have been sitting on closet shelves for some
    time.  Gram's were due to the fact that my dad wanted to see them
    scattered, and there was no way I could hike him before he died to the
    place on the peak she wants to be scattered, and now I can't do
    anything with dad's until mom can figure out a way to get to sentinel
    point and she gets altitude sickness of the worst kind above 9500 feet.  
    she is also not in shape to hike a couple of miles, let alone the 10
    from gram's favorite place to where dad wants to be dumped.
    
    They will probably sit in their respective cardboard boxes until mom
    goes.  then I will have the fun of hiking from one side of the peak to
    the other, scattering ashes in the appropriate order to make all the
    ghosts happy, and then hopping into the 4X4 to get mom in the area of
    the headwaters of the Rio Grande.  
    
    Strange rituals we have arrund such things.
    
    meg

Perhaps that's why folks feel justified in tying up a piece of urban real
estate instead . . . 

         <<< Note 79.262 by SUBPAC::JJENSEN "Jojo the Fishing Widow" >>>

>It took several weeks to finally put her "to rest" at the
>Lutheran Cemetery in Queens.  (Plus we had to drive from
>Boston to NYC with her ashes in the trunk.  eeeeuuuwwwww.....)

	It beats carry-on baggage. My mother and I had to transport
	my brother's ashes from Houston to Cleveland since none of
	the overnight services would accept the responsibility and
	we didn't feel like trusting Parcel Post.

	Luckily we had booked First Class and received special help
	from Continental's supervisor in getting the bronze box
	through Security.

Jim

>>Webster's has been licensed too freely.
>
>Wrong.  The name Webster's is public domain.

Public domain is free license.

/john

>>Public domain is free license.

	That's true, according to the American Heritage.  ;>

    	Well Webster has pre-plan in it too.

    Wass an SO, I can't figure it out - Unless of corse you are refering
    to past lovers as Sex Objects.....

    And yes I know I can't spell.

    
    Significant Other, Martinluv.

    I kinda thought Sex Object was a better description a few hours ago.
    But, I have grown slightly older and wiser and Significant Other
    sounds poifect.
    
    Ta :^)

    Ta?
    
    You into baby talk now?

    wass rong wiv Ta ?

    ta the ba ba to da da.

In Oz (and mebbe even in England), "Ta" is short for "thanks."

/john

    No John you have that round the wrong way. In England "ta" is short
    for "thankyou" But I have a feeling the ozzies don't use it anywhere
    near as much.
    
    
    as for the baby talk it's......
    
    Ouchiecouchiwoowooowooodedooo....ooosalittlelovieeehey....coshumsee
    woopsiewoowoos

    
    <-- well, that was vaguely nauseating 8^)

    Ohh ta very much :^) I thought it was a perfect impression of this
    person I once saw talking to a baby.
    
    I used to talk to my dog like that to confuse the hell out of her !
    She gave me the weirdest looks

Cor, wasn't it though?

    
    Not 'alf.

    Don't have kids Martin, they'll be nuts!
    8^)

re .288

Wot!  'Ze a tree?

    That was acorny joke.

    re .288 - Well you have to have something that runs in the family
    and I'm not talking about diarrhoea !! :^)
    
    re .289 - Well I have had a part of my body refered to as a Giant
    Red Wood before ! :^)

>    re .288 - Well you have to have something that runs in the family
>    and I'm not talking about diarrhoea !! :^)

Ackshully, that runs in your genes.

/john

    Bwahahahahah

Pinocchio meets the woodchippers!

    Why I orta.....

Rotary snojac.

I guess a "Rotary snojac" bears no semblance to a Hills Hoist?


Chele

    Re .273:
    
    > Well Webster has pre-plan in it too.

    Merriam-Webster or just Webster?  If it is in Merriam-Webster, that
    just means that people do use it, which is true and not their fault. 
    The fact that it is in American Heritage means the editors are
    suggesting you can go ahead and use it, which is stupid and is their
    fault.
    
    
    				-- edp
    
    
Public key fingerprint:  8e ad 63 61 ba 0c 26 86  32 0a 7d 28 db e7 6f 75
To find PGP, read note 2688.4 in Humane::IBMPC_Shareware.

    
    
    WACKY NEW BRIEFS PEOPLE!!!!   WACKY NEW BRIEFS!!!!!!!
    

 Wacky News Snarfs people

>>    The fact that it is in American Heritage means the editors are
>>    suggesting you can go ahead and use it, which is stupid and is their
>>    fault.

	How do you know what the editors are "suggesting", just out
	of curiosity?  I agree that it's a stupid word to use, but
	on what is this distinction between the dictionaries' intents
	founded?

    Well, given the lack of wacko new briefs, let's see if I can
    invent one.  Hey, how 'bout:
    
    Rushdie wanted to use some of the lyrics from the theme to the
    "The Flintstones" cartoon show in his new book.  But Ted Turner
    and company, who owns the rights, refused to give permission,
    because they didn't know the exact context in which the Flintstones
    lyrics would be used, and they were afraid of possible repercussions.
    
    Whoops, sorry... I didn't make that up after all!
    
    Chris

    This makes me wonder about the term premeditated. Is not meditated
    sufficient? premeditated to me is like saying pre-thought.

    This could create another personality with further premeditation.
    
    Glenn/Deirdre/Pamela/Franny/Ned/Dierdre/Anton/Sean/Alice/Jimi/Pauline/Rex/
    Nathan/Melanie/Ursula/Hildegard/Nigel/Boutros Boutros
    
    

Martin,
   SO = Salad Onion
Hth

    How`s about this," Al Bundy character really is a good football
    player". I read in this weeks TV Guide that he played for the Steelers
    and was all state for Ohio. 

A cow in Columbia shoots and critically injures another cow.

Columbia MD or Columbia MO?

Columbia MOO

    
    or possibly bogata, columbia???
    
    (don't know how to spell it and i didn't find it in the ahd...tho i did
    find the initial EDP...meaning 'electronic data processing'...)
    
    

    
    
    well, actually, i was referring to bogata...but i see i also made
    another spelling error...as neither is in my ahd...
    

    
    
    well, i'll be...i found it...way in the back...page 828...it's bogota...
    
    
    thank you...
    
    :>
    
    

    
    
    well, for what it is worth, your correction means squat to me...
    
    i cannot read anything with funky little accent marks and stuff like
    that...all i saw was 'Bogot .'...
    
    
    

    Re .301:
    
    > 	How do you know what the editors are "suggesting", just out
    >	of curiosity?
    
    1)	American Heritage's reputation
    
    2)	the tone of the book and explicit recommendations in it
    
    3)	the snotty introduction by William Buckley
    
    Aside from Buckley's comments, there's probably something else in the
    front matter that indicates the nature of the dictionary.  I can't say
    for sure, although I do recall one of the introductions was on the
    mathematics of English -- how much redundant information there is, et
    cetera.
    
    
    				-- edp
    
    
Public key fingerprint:  8e ad 63 61 ba 0c 26 86  32 0a 7d 28 db e7 6f 75
To find PGP, read note 2688.4 in Humane::IBMPC_Shareware.

    Correction... Al Bundy t-r-i-e-d out for the PS's

    My inside source who has followed the Steelers for most of his life says
    he played one year as a defensive end(?) in the 60`s. I will ask him to
    get a more specific year but I won`t be hear tomorrow. 

    i believe this is incorrect. i remember reading an interview with him.
    he specifically stated try-outs... he didn't make it.
    
    Chip

    .318
    I`ll try to have a specific year for you on monday. He will double
    check his facts.

    
    
       .318
      
     I do believe that you are correct, he tried out but didnt make it, but
    he was all state in ohio.
    
                                                           Lee
    

The angel of death lands role as Valentine's Day cherub

    [n.America] THE wistful-looking cherub on 1.4 billion stamps being
   issued to mark St Valentine's Day is hardly a token of romantic love.
   By mistake, the US Postal Service has chosen the angel of death
   

Bodyguard Gloria serves with stars

    [europe] A FEMALE bodyguard has been assigned to protect Boris Becker
   and Michael Stich during a Davis Cup tie against Croatia. The security
   specialist, identified only as a 28-year-old called Gloria, is armed
   with a Heckler and Koch Colt for her duties with the tennis players in
   Karlsruhe
   

            <<< Note 79.322 by SUBPAC::SADIN "caught in the 'net" >>>
>                  -< an HK Colt eh? Where can I get one? :*) >-

	At your General Motors Ford dealership. '-)

Jim

    
    
    	<snicker - snicker>
    

    On the drive-in this AM I heard a piece of the following story:
    
    A man, I believe from Virginia, borrowed his girlfriend's car.  He then
    proceeded to go and rob a bank.  As he left the bank and went back to
    his car, he realized he left the hold up note on the counter. He went
    back into the back to retieve said note, then ran out.  He then
    realized he left the car keys in the bank. He panicked and ran home.
    
    Once he got to the girlfriend's, she wanted to know 'where' her car
    was.  He told her the whole story.  She called 911, they pick up the
    man, and put 2+2 together and find the holdup note, car, and id the
    clueless bank robber.
    
    
    

    From USA Today, 2/3/95..
    
    Nashville police are investigating whether Raymond Mitchell, 45,
    committed rape by fraud when he called women late at night, persuaded
    them to unlock their door, undress, put on a blindfold and wait for him
    in bed.  Three women did so, thinking he was their boyfriend.  One
    woman had sex with the so-called Fantasy Man, twice a week for two
    months.  Mitchell, married with two children, claims the sex was
    consensual.  
    
    Brian

    I guess he was, uh, average in all respects.

Wonder how he was discovered?  Must have been quite a scene!

Jim

According to the story I read, the blindfold slipped.

    
    ...after more than two years of frequent visits.

    
>>    ...after more than two years of frequent visits.

	thought it was two months, no?

    
    Maybe it just seemed like two years...
    

    i coulda misread it.  been caught doing that once or twice before.  i
    knew i shoulda scanned the article in, it would have been fodder for
    much box merriment, i'm sure.

    2 years?!? Wow, I can only manage 30 seconds.

    you should buy that book, glenn, the one called "the one-minute
    manager."

    Or "the one minute mangler"

    re .321
    
    this troubles me...  I used these stamps for my wedding invitation
    response envelopes!!  
    
    /dlw
    formerly_a_read-only_noter_who_is_now_worried_about_omens

A Vietnamese metallurgy magazine has been ordered to
recall an issue that the government said had too many
stories about cannibalism, polygamists and the secrets
of embalming bodies.

In Stockholm, Sweden, a convicted killer barred from
recording his trial beat up his two defense attorneys
with the tape recorder, briefly halting the trial.

An etching by French impressionist Auguste Renoir was
found gathering dust on a filing cabinet in an
Australian country town decades after it had been
donated to a now-defunct rural college as a pig-
breeding trophy.

Subj:	Whale Removal
    
The Farside comes to life in Oregon.
    
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all
on videotape.  The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which 
sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton
dead whale that washed up on the beach.  The responsibility for 
getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway 
Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are 
very similar in the sense of being large objects.
    
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am 
not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The 
thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which 
would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that.  A textbook 
whale removal.
    
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of 
dynamite next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty 
of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is 
the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you 
see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. 
Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" 
Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like 
"splud."  You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of... 
MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.
    
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation 
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber 
fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than 
a quarter of a mile away.  Remaining on the beach were several rotting 
whale sectors the size of condominium units.  There was no sign of the 
seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.
    
This is a very sobering videotape.  Here at the institute we watch
it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety.  This 
is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division 
and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an 
estimate on the US Capitol.
    
Tom Mahoney, #9,  Coast Guard Sqn.1/Div.13 CatLo

% ====== Internet headers and postmarks (see DECWRL::GATEWAY.DOC) ======
% Received: from inet-gw-3.pa.dec.com by us1rmc.bb.dec.com (5.65/rmc-22feb94) id AA07239; Wed, 1 Feb 95 17:24:56 -050

re .339:

That's stolen from a 1990 Dave Barry column, note 602 in the Dave_Barry
notesfile.

    PHILADELPHIA - A former parking official who filed a disability claim
    after tripping in an elevator says he now has another debilitating
    problem - negative press. Michael McAleer, 57, has asked the city Board
    of Pensions and Retirement to triple has $951 monthly pension check,
    saying bad publicity surrounding his original claim has caused him to
    suffer from insomnia, agitation and tightness in his chest. McAleer
    said the negative press compounded the stress he suffered on the job
    before he retired in April 1993 and the problems have kept him from
    getting another job. The full nine-member pension board votes on the
    matter next week.(AP)

    FRANFORT, Ky. - Toni Tenner says she remained faithful to her husband;
    it was Andrea, one of her 13 personalities, who cheated on him. "She
    admits that her body committed adultery," Stanley Spees, the lawyer for
    Mark Tenner, told the Kentucky Supreme Court yesterday. But Spees said
    Mrs. Tenner, who is appealing the amount of the alimony she gets, could
    control the switching of her personalities. According to court records,
    Mrs. Tenner's phychiatrist said she has 13 personalities, and the one
    known as Andrea had the extramarital affair that Mark Tenner blames for
    the beginning of the breakup.(AP)

Troy, Ohio -- A man charged with domestic violence for spanking and bruising
his 10-year-old son allowed police to paddle him in a plea bargain, his lawyer
said yesterday.  Prosecutors agreed to drop the charge if the 33-year-old man
allowed a police officer to strike him three times on the buttocks with the
same paddle he had used on his son.  The 8-inch-long paddle, with the words
"Board of Education," was then destroyed.  The paddling was carried out Feb. 1
in the office of Jose Lopez, the man's lawyer. (AP)

	That's it? 

    
    >The 8-inch-long paddle, with the words
    >"Board of Education," was then destroyed.

    Thank God!  Can you imagine what would have happened if that paddle had
    made it out onto the streets?
    

Glen, I suggest you turn yourself in to the Troy Ohio police department
and confess to domestic violence.

    .343
    If I amy quote from my lapel pin, "Sticks and stones may break my bones
    but whips and chains excite me". Would I be allowed to go back for
    more?

| <<< Note 79.346 by NOTIME::SACKS "Gerald Sacks ZKO2-3/N30 DTN:381-2085" >>>

| Glen, I suggest you turn yourself in to the Troy Ohio police department
| and confess to domestic violence.


	Huh? 

    	RE: 79.343...
    
    	That's my home town. My mom still lives there. I think I'll
    	print this out and ask her about it.
    
    	Scott

You mean you don't want to get spanked by a policeman in uniform?

| <<< Note 79.347 by MAIL2::CRANE >>>


| If I amy quote from my lapel pin, 

	You're name is AMY?????  HAAA!

| <<< Note 79.350 by NOTIME::SACKS "Gerald Sacks ZKO2-3/N30 DTN:381-2085" >>>

| You mean you don't want to get spanked by a policeman in uniform?

	Wow.... another one by me today.... when they said he got spanked, and
I said that's all? Just spanked? sigh...... it was due to I was pissed as that
was the only punishment handed down, not because I wanted him to get more
sexual fulfillment in his life....

    .347
    OOOOPPPPPPS! It should have said If I may quote from my lapel pin,
    Picky,picky,picky, I`m almost ready to go home and you expect me to
    know how to spell too!

	Your NAME in here will be known as AMY!  Vain attempts to cover it up
with "may" will NOT work in the BOX! 

    
    STOCKHOLM (AP) - In an embarrassing admission, Swedish defence ministry
    analysts say many signals detected by the navy's high-tech bouys and
    thought to be foreign submarines were just the sounds of swimming
    minks.  The report - coming after the military conceded that an animal
    set off a weeks-long sub hunt in the Baltic Sea last spring - was
    leaked to the Dagens Nyheter newspaper and published yesterday.
    

The paddling story was in today's Boston Globe.  I reproduced it in its entirety
(i.e. no date is mentioned).

    	re .343
    
    	I'll have to assume (in the absence of details) that the man
    	did more than just spank the kid with a paddle to warrant 
    	police intervention.  If not, most of our parents should have
    	criminal records today.

	RE: paddling

	Don't be so sure that there is more to it.  I have heart of
cases like this one.

ME

      <<< Note 79.358 by CSC32::J_OPPELT "Whatever happened to ADDATA?" >>>

>    	I'll have to assume (in the absence of details) that the man
>    	did more than just spank the kid with a paddle to warrant 
>    	police intervention.  If not, most of our parents should have
>    	criminal records today.

	You may want to assume that, but today if you leave a visible
	mark, you can go to jail for child abuse.

	A good swat with a wooden paddle will probably leave such
	marks.

Jim

    Spanking in N.J. is o.k. but I`m not sure I`d use a paddle that big on
    him. My preferance wpould be my hand...

    8" is not big.

    .362
    My hand is larger...its 9".

    
    >>> 8" is not big.
    
    well, to some it is... :> :>
    
    

    
    >WAHOO::LEVESQUE "luxure et supplice"
    
    >8" is not big.
    
    
    
    {ahem} er, Mark, doing anything tonight?
    
    

Man in England gets his driver's license after passing his driving test,
his 632nd attempt to do so.

    
    RE: .361
    
    I would think about your preference...
    
    Remember, those are the same hands that reach down and console,
    comfort, hug and hold.. and love that child...
    
     What's best is something designated as the punishing instrument...
    left out or hanging in plain sight... 
    
      You wouldn't believe how infrequently it has to be used just by
    calling attention to where it is and the "possibility" of it being
    administered.
    

| <<< Note 79.362 by WAHOO::LEVESQUE "luxure et supplice" >>>

| 8" is not big.


	ohhh.... nevermind....

WEIRDNUZ.364 (News of the Weird, January 27, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* In Columbia, S. C., in December, Rev. Noel Vande Grift revealed
plans to expand his 20-member [Richard M.] Nixon Memorial Church,
a congregation blending Baptist and Quaker preachings.  Vande
Grift said the inspiration to name the church after the former
president came during a prayer.  He told reporters the church
would be the largest in the South by the year 2010. [The State
(Columbia), 12-28-94]

THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS

* Non-Whitewater news from Arkansas:  In Eureka Springs, alderman
candidate Louise Berry died on October 6, but her supporters
continued to run ads against her opponent.  On November 8, because
of the effectiveness of the campaign, Berry pulled out a narrow
victory.  In September, attorney-general candidate Dan Ivy won his
fight to stay on the ballot despite having been convicted of
beating his wife two months earlier.  Mrs. Ivy had helpfully made
an audio recording of the beating; on the tape, Ivy appeared
mainly concerned about recovering valuable coins his wife had put
in a safe-deposit box.  After Ivy told her he wanted his coins,
she reminded him it was Sunday and that the box was not
accessible; during the remainder of the 30-minute tape, Ivy says
"I want my coins" 76 more times. Ivy lost the election. [Arkansas
Democrat-Gazette, Aug94, Sept94]

* In August, Ohio gubernatorial candidate Billy Inmon collapsed
and had to be hospitalized after a 27-day hunger strike outside
the Capitol in Columbus.  He was trying to get incumbent George
Voinovich to debate him, but Voinovich never did.  However, 18
days into the strike, a man protesting Inmon's anti-gay policies
urinated on Inmon's tent, provoking Inmon to point a gun at him.
[Canton Repository-AP, 8-29-94]

* In May, Richard Finney, 34, flunked his driver's license exam in
Topeka, Kan.  The next day he returned to the exam office,
accompanied by his mother, Gov. Joan Finney, who, according to a
licensing employee "was mad.  She was real mad."  After the
governor scolded the examiners, Richard Finney was escorted to the
front of the line and administered the exam again, by the
supervisor of the office.  He passed. [Topeka Capital-Journal-
Kansas City Star, May94]

* In the April election for city council in Ypsilanti, Mich.,
incumbent Geoffrey Rose turned over his voter list to student
Frank Houston, 18, who had offered to help him get out the vote.
Armed with the list, Houston went door to door and then won the
election himself as a write-in candidate.  He told reporters
afterward that he did not deceive Rose:  "All I ever said all
along was that I was going to get people to vote." [Greenville (S.
C.) News-AP, 4-7-94]

* In Rice, Minn., Virgil Nelson and Mitch Fiedler, who tied 90- 90
in the November election for a city council seat, settled the race
by drawing cards.  On the first try, both drew 8's, and on the
second, both drew aces.  Then Nelson drew a 7, and Fiedler drew an
8 for the victory. [St. Cloud Times-AP, 11-19-94, 11- 21-94]

* In August, Mascotte, Fla., mayor Josh Thomas was arrested and
charged with stealing nearly $7,000 worth of dirt, over a period
of several days, from a construction site. [Orlando Sentinel,
8-19-94]

* Marion Barry, re-elected as mayor of Washington, D. C., after
serving six months in prison on a 1991 cocaine possession charge,
was assisted by the 75-felon-member Coalition of Ex- Offenders,
who went door to door campaigning for him.  According to organizer
"Roach" Brown, the Coalition members were especially helpful
because they went into the toughest neighborhoods to register D.
C.'s substantial criminal population, most of whom were unaware
that a 1976 law gave them voting rights. [Washington Times,
10-18-94]

CLICHES COME TO LIFE

* In April in Grand Junction, Colo., Ed Tucker bought his son a
toy airplane made in Taiwan.  When he unpacked it, he found a note
in English written by a man who said he was being held prisoner
and subjected to human rights abuses and begging someone to help
him. [Independence Examiner-AP, 4-20-94]

* In December in Pittsburgh, Pa., two inmates escaped from
Allegheny County Jail by tying bedsheets together and making a
200-foot rope, which they hung out a window and climbed down.
[Kansas City Star-AP, 12-20-94]

* In June, Damian Michael Toya, 22, pleaded guilty to voluntary
manslaughter in Albuquerque, N. Mex., for shooting his father to
death.  Toya claimed his father had long ridiculed him for being
gay and unmanly.  According to Toya, the father's last words, when
Toya pointed the gun at him, were, "You don't have the guts to do
it." [Albuquerque Journal, 6-23-94]

* Federal law permits victims' lawyers in civil rights cases, if
they win, to have their fees and expenses paid by the losing
party.  Among the expenses that Rodney King's lawyers submitted to
the City of Los Angeles for compensation were these:  Accompanying
King to see the film "Malcolm X" ($1,300); reading a newspaper
article about the trial (20 minutes) ($81.25); and attending
King's 1991 birthday party ($650).  The total requested was $4.4
million, more than King himself won in the lawsuit ($3.8 million).
[N. Y. Times, 10-30-94; St.  Petersburg Times-Seattle Times,
10-17-94]

* A month after Susan Smith said a carjacker made off with her two
boys in Union, S. C., a man in Lubbock, Tex., jumped into Donna
Robles's Dodge and sped off, probably unaware that her son, Ethan,
3, was strapped in the back seat.  The car was found crashed two
blocks away, with Ethan unhurt.  Police speculate that Ethan's
beginning to cry so startled the thief that he lost control of the
car.  He escaped. [Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, 12- 2-94]

MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE

* Annette Green, president of an association of perfume and
cologne manufacturers, on why some celebrity-named products sell
well but not others:  "As it turns out, people didn't necessarily
want to smell like Cher." [Chicago Sun-Times, 12- 28-94]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.

    <---- These were funny, yes indeedy.

    
    I'd like to find out a little more about this law in D.C. that allows
    criminals to vote... anyone know more about it?
    

	I came across another weird-story service.  The posting ends
    	with the following, so I assume that I can't post in here
    	the copy I received.  But it has some really good stuff in
    	it -- at least the single copy I received.
    
    
TO RECEIVE "THIS JUST IN" every week free by e-mail, send e-mail to
  listserv@netcom.com with the message: "subscribe this-just-in"
  (without quotes) -- please, nothing else on the line. To UNSUBSCRIBE
  or for HELP subscribing, e-mail this-just-in-approval@netcom.com; a
  human will help. Comments are welcome: e-mail arcie@netcom.com or
  write to Randy c/o Freelance Communications, PO Box 1895, Upland CA
  91785-1895 USA, fax 818 791-0405.

Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham, All Rights Reserved. Permission
  granted to circulate this publication by retransmission via manual
  forwarding on e-mail to another single person providing that 1) the
  file is transmitted IN ITS ENTIRETY, from the title and byline on top
  to the end of this paragraph, and 2) NO FEE is charged. Any other
  publication or storage -- including on BBSs, "FTP" archives, CD-ROM,
  listservers, or any other type of information retrieval systems -- is
  STRICTLY PROHIBITED without PRIOR written permission. That's not too
  much to ask, is it?

We hope you enjoy TJI!                   ** End of automated message. **

    	And to get News of the Weird (I've posted excerpts from it
    	previously) do:
    
>    Send a mail message to NotW-Request@NINE.Org.  The subject line is
>    ignored, and in the body of the message type:
>
>    subscribe your name  
>
>    So for me, I typed: subscribe Joe Oppelt

    	That's it!

    2/12/95 off Prodigy News
    
    Spurned girlfriend takes revenge
         Albany, NY
    A woman has been charged with putting the head of a coyote in her
    ex-boyfriend's car, a dead squirrel at his doorstep, and a dead cat in
    his hot tub, police said.
       
    Stephanie Hubbs,31, faces 4 misdemeanor counts of harassment and one
    count of criminal trespass.  She was arraigned Thursday on $7500 bail.
    
    She allegedly left eerie and harassing notes to her former boyfriend
    with each animal's corpse.  
    
    The harassment allegedly started on Christmas Day when the boyfriend
    found ther dead squirrel on his doorstepp.  It continued periodically
    until last Monday when Hubbs allegedly left a live puppy in the man's
    bbackyard in below-freezing temperatures.
    
    Hubbs told police she found the dead coyote, decapitated it and placed
    it in the car.

    I don`t think I`ll read this to Spike with the 6:00 news tonight.

A Palestinian shepherd has a billy goat that has one teat that gives milk.
There is a waiting list of men, both Israeli and Palestinian, to buy the
milk, at about $33/glass.  The purchasers believe the milk will cure impotence.
The goat gives only 2 glasses of milk per day. 

The goat is otherwise a normal male, and has sired 50 kids.

    re: .383
    
    Well, at $33 a glass I know one thing it WILL cure:
    
    The owner's poverty :-)

    
    Toronto comedy troupe `The Blockheads' are being sued by `The Jerry
    Springer Show' for fooling Springer with a false scenario about a man 
    who cheated on his wife with the babysitter, and tells his wife about
    it (for the first time) on the show.
     

   Remember that case where the operators of a sex BBS in California
   were charged and convicted of obscenity under Memphis standards?

   Well, lawyers in Pakistan want to extradite Michael Jackson and
   Madonna -- and try them for destroying Islamic moral values.

/john

    Benazir Bhutto is a babe.

       Yep, anyone who answers to the nickname "Pinky" flips MY nickel.
    

    nickle. hth. ;-)

    I'm clearly missing summat.  Summat FEELTHY.  Please please, a free clue!??
    
    |-{:-)
    

    >>   Yep, anyone who answers to the nickname "Pinky" flips MY nickel.
    
    Pinky Lee?  (Who died a couple of years ago at a ripe old age, btw)
    
    Chris

    Last week, Marion Barry tried to get the DC City Council to raise the
    business tax rate, generating $41 M for a city hemmoraging (sp?) in
    over $700 M in debt.  
    
    2 city councilmen voted against the increase.  Monday, inflamed, Barry
    threatened to reduce the police force in those two wards.  Needless to
    say, city-hall was flooded with calls from irate citizenry to the
    president of the Nat'l Police Chiefs Assn.
    
    Wednesday, Barry said the press misrepresented him and this was blown
    out of proportion.
    
    The SEC is investigating Barry, ex mayor Kelly and City Council
    President who went to Wall Street in November after Barry was elected
    Mayor to get a $250M loan, insinuating that this was the extent of the
    city's debt.  Two weeks ago, Barry disclosed the $700M debt figure. 
    
    BTW, Maryland doesn't want ANY part of annexing DC.  I believe Congress
    should use it's existing power [remove home rule}, remove Barry and 
    appoint an administrator to run the city while a full blown audit in each
    department and its finances.  Maybe by October 1 and the new FY, things
    can be straight enough to allow DC to rule itself again. 
               

    Tahts equiv to DEC stock now...at least we`re not alone.

    
      According to the Times in London, global weirdness declined
     2% in 1994.
    
      bb

    
    I wonder who got (er...became) less weird.  I know my personal W.Q. 
    (weirdness quotient) increased in 1994.
                        

    >>  According to the Times in London, global weirdness declined
    >>  2% in 1994.
    
    Obviously they haven't been watching American daytime TV
    talk shows.
    
    Chris

It could be explained by a decrease in weirdness outside the U.S.

    
    .399
    
    There's been no decrease of weirdness in Canada.

    -1 which leaves it... where? :-)
    
    Chip

The story I heard said that the "weirdness index" is calculated based on
various "sightings" and reports of strange phenomena. I forget which
factors were noted as "up" in 94, but I did hear that the number of
reports of aquatic monsters was down, i.e fewer sightings of Nessie,
as an example.

    But fewer sightings of Nessie has been countered by increased
    sightings of Barney.
    
    Chris

 According to a headline (and picture!) in the Weekly World News, Nessie,
 is alas, dead.  Apparantly she was quite ill and beached herself on the
 shore of the Lock, and several locals arrived to view the her corpse.



 Jim

Loch.

        It is purely coincidence that Nessie has not been sighted since
        I quit swimming in Loch Ness and moved to the US.
        
        Andy
        
        PS.  The  Fraser  clan  lands are at the NW end of the loch and
        the Grant clan lands are at the NE end ...
        

Apparently there was no cases of human sponteneous combustion. Usually
there is a case a year. Wonder what these people eat/drink?

Also in the article it mentioned that a Nessy type creature had been spotted
in Venezuela. Perhaps Nessy was picked up by a gail force wind and landed in 
South America.

>Apparently there was no cases of human sponteneous combustion. Usually
>there is a case a year. Wonder what these people eat/drink?

MSG and Aspertame, of course.

The birth of a white buffalo was mentioned as one of the big weirdness items.
Last I heard on this, they were going to do some genetic testing to determine
if this "white buffalo" had some cow genes.

Jim

    Apparently there were
    gale force wind

>    Apparently there were
>    gale force wind



   And His Orchrestra

 Oops...I had an extra "r" hanging around here so I thought I'd sneak it
 in there..

WEIRDNUZ.365 (News of the Weird, February 3, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* Among the recent uses of DNA genetic "fingerprinting":
Scientists at Oxford University are using it to determine the
gender of the world's rarest bird, the Brazilian blue Spix macaw,
whose males ostensibly completely resemble females.  In Panama
City, Fla., prosecutors introduced DNA-matched sperm samples from
Sheriff Al Harrison and his office carpet (even though Harrison
had machine-cleaned it) in his January trial for forcing female
inmates to perform oral sex on him. And authorities in Cocoa,
Fla., filed cattle rustling charges against two men in November
after matching the DNA of a calf that was the offspring of a
purebred, slaughtered cow with the DNA in an uncooked slab of pot
roast the men allegedly sold after cutting it from the cow. [Globe
& Mail, 12-17-94; St. Petersburg Times,
1-26-94; St. Petersburg Times, 11-10-94]

THE CONTINUING CRISIS

* Gordon Davey, 30, was named in November by a TV show in London
as Britain's most boring man, after he waxed rhapsodic about his
extensive collection of brown paper, which he said has fascinated
him ever since he was an art student.  Said Davey, "I shall
obviously have to try to be more interesting and less obsessive."
[St. Louis Post-Dispatch-Reuters, 11-13-94]

* Police in Washington, D. C., and its Maryland and Virginia
suburbs conducted a three-week campaign in November to increase
motorist awareness of traffic signals, including the mass
distribution of "I Stop for Red Lights" bumper stickers.
[Washington Post, 11-17-94]

* California's January 1994 earthquake officially killed 58
people, but within six months, the state had received almost 400
requests for the $6,000 burial grants, from federal disaster
funds, by people claiming their dead relatives perished because of
the quake. [Los Angeles Times, Jun94]

* In July, Vickye L. Phye, 34, pleaded guilty to lesser charges in
Nashville, Tenn., after having been accused of the rape of a 39-
year-old woman.  According to the victim, Phye had demanded to
perform oral sex on her and then had "started rubbing me like a
man would."  Tennessee law defines rape as "any" sexual
penetration. [The Tennessean, 7-20-94]

* According to a Thanksgiving press release from the Butterball
company, the highlight of calls to the company's emergency hotline
occurred in 1993 when a woman reported that her pet chihuahua had
jumped into the cavity of the family's turkey and was stuck.
[Greensboro News-Record, Nov94]

* In November, Japan's Economic Planning Agency, in an annual
report, called on Japanese husbands to participate more in family
activities.  Agency surveys estimated that 85% of husbands "never"
help their wives with household chores and that younger women,
knowing this, are increasingly declining marriage, resulting in a
falling birth rate that alarms the Agency.  [St. Petersburg
Times-Reuters, 11-24-94]

* In October, William Soule, 71, on probation on DUI charges in
Dubuque, Iowa, turned himself in and said he'd rather go to jail.
Said Soule, "I can't take another year of probation."  And in
September, Kansas prisoner Joe Carr, 77, convicted of murder in
1941, passed up his parole-board hearing for the 15th consecutive
time.  But another Kansas inmate, murderer Marvin D. Brockett, 64,
is vying for parole.  Since age 7, Brockett has been free of
correctional facilities only for a total of three years. [Dubuque
Telegraph Herald, 10-8-94; Sikeston (Mo.) Standard Democrat- AP,
8-9-94; The State (Columbia, S. C.)-K. C. Star, 8-2-94]

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND

* In July, Robert Minahan, a chef who specializes in crocodile
cuisine at a resort in the Kakadu National Park in Australia, was
attacked by a 6-foot crocodile while swimming at Barramundi Gorge.
Said Minahan, "It feels strange to be on the other end of the food
chain." [Athens Messenger-AP, Jul94]

* In Grand Junction, Colo., in September, retired Chicago police
officer Arthur R. Smith, 56, allegedly a hit man who fired several
gunshots at Rita Quam, but missed, had a heart attack and died
when police officers arrived to arrest him. [Chicago Sun- Times,
9-15-94]

* In September, four women, using a chemical spray, allegedly
attacked another woman who had beaten them to a parking space at
the Galleria mall in Glendale, Calif., sending the woman to the
hospital.  Police went to the parking lot, looking for the women,
and found them having an argument outside their car because the
keys were locked inside.  After finding the chemical spray, police
charged the women with assault, then helped open the car--and
found  shoplifted clothing in the back seat. [L. A. Daily News,
10-1-94]

* The Chicago Tribune, reporting in July on the trial of a
marriage matchmaker in Guangzhou Province, related the testimony
of a barber who agreed to offer his unwilling wife to the
matchmaker for a scam in which they would sell the woman to a
farmer, collect the fee, then immediately retrieve her.  The
barber was first cheated out of the promised reward and now faces
life in prison for selling his wife.  Furthermore, the wife
preferred the farmer, anyway, and will not be returning to the
barber. [Chicago Tribune, Jul94]

I DON'T THINK SO

* In November, acting on a tip, Juneau, Alaska, police raided the
hotel room of an Oregon man and found cocaine and $10,000 in cash,
which the man later relinquished in his haste to leave the state
before charges were filed.  When police asked him why he had such
a large amount of cash, he said it was given to him by a woman
(whose name he could not recall) as a reward for great sex.
[Anchorage Daily News-AP, 11-4-94]

* Ener Arcilla Henson, 34, was arrested in Glendale, Calif., in
January and charged with stealing a "humvee" military vehicle from
the local National Guard armory.  Police said Henson was driving
the vehicle at night without lights, refused to acknowledge them
when they signaled him to pull over, and said, when finally
stopped, that President Clinton had given him the humvee. [[Los
Angeles Daily News, 1-9-95]]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material, or of the name News of the Weird.

    Paullll Harrrrveyyyy reports this morning that one restaurant
    began offering one-third-pound hamburgers, to entice customers
    away from their competitor who was offering quarter-pound
    hamburgers.
    
    But the restaurant soon withdrew the 1/3 pounders; sales were
    at a virtual standstill because most consumers had believed that
    1/3 pound is less than 1/4 pound.
    
    Chris

>    But the restaurant soon withdrew the 1/3 pounders; sales were
>    at a virtual standstill because most consumers had believed that
>    1/3 pound is less than 1/4 pound.

They're right... If I want to eat 1 pound of hamburgers then I only
need to eat 3 1/3 pounders... but I'll need to eat 4 of those 1/4 
punders, so I'm eating more...

;-)

/scott

    
    RE: last few
    
     Was at the deli counter of my supermarket not too long ago and asked
    the person for a 1/3 pound of something.... 
    
     I could see the perplexed look on his face as he started to pile more
    and more on.... 
    
      He was up to about 3/4 lb. when I quietly whispered to him...
    
     Pssssst... that .33 of a pound....
    
    
     Edjumacation in this country!! Ain't it wonderful!!!
    

Several years ago a teenager asked me the time.  I said it was quarter to
four.  She had a hard time figuring out what that was in "digital time."

    
    Don't ya love it!!!
    
    You hand the clerk a $20 and a $1 for an $11.00 purchase and they don't
    know what to do....!!!
    

| <<< Note 79.419 by NOTIME::SACKS "Gerald Sacks ZKO2-3/N30 DTN:381-2085" >>>



| Several years ago a teenager asked me the time.  I said it was quarter to
| four.  She had a hard time figuring out what that was in "digital time."


	You mean it was 1:00?????  <stolen from the Richardsons>

    For people this profoundly moronic (sorry, but math stupidity is a sore
    spot for me and I have little patience for it), give them the book
    "Math Magic". It has tips for the otherwise arithmetically impaired
    to make it through the day.
    
    What I want to know is, why isn't the ability to correctly perform
    sixth grade math a prerequisite for working in a store? Talk
    about idjits!!!
    
    (OK, you've hit a pet peeve nerve...)
    
    -b

    .422
    Thanks, I`ve been looking for something that might help. When I was in
    late elementry school/earlie high school I used to get whacked if I got
    the wrong answer in math.

    >>  He was up to about 3/4 lb. when I quietly whispered to him...
    
    Hah!  The revenge of the analog scales!  If he'd had a good
    old-fashioned analog scale, like they had when I was working
    in a deli in my college days, he would have gotten 1/3 pound
    right even if he had no idea what 1/3 means (and he would've
    known, back then, but that's another matter).
    
    S'about time this newfangled digital know-nothing junk bit itself
    on the ass.  I'm feeling old-fashioned today.  Must be the new
    first white hairs in the mustache.
    
    Chris

    re: <<< Note 79.421 by BIGQ::SILVA
    
    No Glen, Gerald tells the time properly. He said it was a quarter TO
    four, which is a quarter to four. Had he said it was a quarter of four
    then it would be one.
    
    nnttmha
    
    The Richardsons

    
    	I remember buying beer at the grocery store and the 
    	kid asked me for my ID.  So I handed it to him, he 
    	looked at it and then started counting on his fingers.
    
    	I waited a second or two, then whispered to him "I'm 26"
    
    	Ay yi yi.
    

    >nnttmha ????
    
    No need to thank my hairy ass? :-)

    <----- Clever little fellow. Can he talk?
    
    	   Do you like your rattle? Do you like your little rattle rattle?

    <----- Clever little fellow. Can he talk?
    
    I should hope so. I am the Minister for Overseas Development! :-)
    
    -b

Andy,
   If you really want to mess them up at the deli, tell them you want
   "about 5 ounces". I once had a delidroid actually respond with

		"I can't do that."


	!!!!!

    OOoooooh, he IS a clever little fellow eh?
    
    Oh, goochie koo.....
    
    
    <BOOM>

    Oh look, Mrs. N.....baiter has exploded!

    
    RE: .430
    
    Jack,
    
     I'll try that next time... just to watch the reaction!!!  :) :)

    good thing too.

    >Bride and groom in Romania beat up a drunken priest who was reading a
    >funeral oratary at their wedding ceremony.
    
    Apparently, the priest had been married before! :-)
    
    -b

Bride and groom in Romania beat up a drunken priest who was reading a
funeral oratory at their wedding ceremony.

Couple getting married in Empire State Building on Valentine's Day has
marriage certificate blow out the window.  (fortunately they had a Xerox
copy)

Ku Klux Klan stirs up trouble in an Ohio county by offering to participate in
their "Adopt-A-Highway" litter cleanup program.

                     GOP candidate arrested for toting gun
                          copied w/o permission from
                            Lawrence Eagle Tribune
                             Tuesday,  21-Feb-1995

     MANCHESTER, N.H. (AP) - Republican presidential hopeful Robert Haines
     first made news when he wrestled a gunman to the ground who had shot
     several rounds into the White House.

     This time, it was Mr. Haines who had the gun.

     Mr. Haines was arrested by Manchester police Sunday and charged with
     brandishing a rifle downtown about 1:30 a.m. Sunday. He was also
     wearing a bulletproof vest, a felony during the commission of a crime.

     Mr. Haines, 47, of Pennsylvania, who has said crime is the No. 1 issue
     in America, has been campaigning in New Hampshire for several months.
     He claims he was assaulted in January at a busy Manchester
     intersection by a man who allegedly kicked him and threatened to kill
     him.

     Mr. Haines also claimed to have been assaulted while campaigning in
     Washington prior to the Manchester attack.

     Police Lt. Gary Simmons, acting as prosecutor, said Haines pointed a
     loaded 35-caliber rifle at two people. The rifle had one round in the
     chamber, Lt. Simmons said.

     District Judge Armand Capistran set bail on Mr. Haines at $4,000, and
     he ordered Mr. Haines to appear in court for a probable cause hearing
     March 6.

     "I'm due in Washington D.C.," Mr. Haines told the judge. "There's a
     conflict here."

     Mr. Haines was one of the passersby who helped subdue Francisco Martin
     Duran after Mr. Duran allegedly fired at the White House in October.
     In 1992, Mr. Haines ran for president as an independent write-in
     candidate.
                                     -30-
    
                                                               

    
    
      35 caliber?????
    

    Sure. .35 remington, .35 wheelen.

    
    
    	yup...plenty of .35's out there....
    
    
    

    
    > Sure. .35 remington, .35 wheelen.
    
    Is that the only designation? Sorry, I'm unfamiliar with those
    calibers...
    

    
    
    	They're mostly a deer hunting cartridge. Fairly popular with the
    purists....
    
    
    

    	Sounts like the demon was transferred from the Washington gunman
    	into his subduer.

    i'm surprised the media didn't report more than 1 round in the chamber.
    
    you know, those deadly, illegal, multi-chambering assault hunting
    rifles.
    
    Chip

WEIRDNUZ.366 (News of the Weird, February 10, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* In December, a jury in Ellsworth, Wis., deliberated for three
hours before ruling against Stewart Blair in his lawsuit against
his friend Maurice Poulin for injuries incurred when Blair tripped
over a snowplow blade.  Blair claimed that Poulin caused the fall
when he startled Blair by accidentally passing gas in his face.
And in a postscript to the trial, as the jurors ceremonially
exited the courtroom, the foreman accidentally, audibly passed gas
as he walked by the judge. [Eau Claire Leader-Telegram, 12-3-94]

THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT

* In August, police in Sao Paulo, Brazil, arrested master thief
Robson Augusto Araujo and confiscated a stash of his business
cards with the firm name (in Portuguese) "Thefts and Robberies,
Ltd." and his job title "Thief."  Though the card's address was
fake, the cellular phone number was real, along with the legend
"325 iS," which is the model of BMW he specialized in stealing.
[[Arizona Daily Star-AP, 8-6-94]]

* And in August, police in Chandler, Ariz., confiscated a
videotape allegedly made by four teenage boys known as the Insane
Skate Posse and containing inspirational promotional messages of
mayhem and destruction designed to recruit new members for their
gang.  They are shown having fun by smoking marijuana, drinking
beer, destroying a parked car, and making harassing phone calls.
[The Arizona Republic, 8-14-94]

* In July the Catholic Church in the Netherlands announced it had
reached an agreement with cellular telephone companies to sell
space on church steeples for the companies' antennas.  [Seattle
Times, Jul94]

* In October, the New York Times reported that Kimberly-Clark
Corporation had received a patent for chemically realistic,
synthetic feces that it regards as crucial for testing diapers and
incontinence garments.  Technicians had concluded that makeshift
substances, such as mashed potatoes, peanut butter, and canned
pumpkin pie mix were inadequate because they separated into
liquids and solids more quickly than feces does.  [New York Times,
10-24-94]

* The People's Insurance Company of China recently began offering
a marriage insurance policy, in which a couple that divorces
forfeits all premiums paid, but a couple that stays together 25,
40, or 50 years stands to gain substantial dividends.  [Arlington
Journal, Sept94]

* In December, Dr. Henry Abrams of Loveladies, N. J., who was
Albert Einstein's ophthalmologist and who removed Einstein's eyes
during his autopsy in 1955 (storing them in a safe-deposit box
ever since), announced the eyes were for sale and said he expected
they could bring $5 million. [Chicago Sun- Times-Agence
France-Presse, 12-18-94]

* Vermont Business Magazine reported last spring that the
Holstein-Friesian Association, which exports pedigreed dairy
cattle and must get them quickly to their clients in Europe and
Saudi Arabia, delivers them by air in Federal Express planes.
[Vermont Business Magazine, April 1994]

OVERREACTIONS

* Recent Sensitive People:  Brenda L. Hunter, 31, Zion, Ill.,
allegedly shot her brother because she did not like the kind of
cheese he was putting on their chili dinner; Michael R.  Waggoner,
37, Knoxville, Tenn., allegedly shot a man five times in a bar
because he thought the man had asked "Have you got a light, baby?"
when the man actually ended the question with "buddy"; Anthony
Foti, 35, Missasauga, Ontario, was charged with severely punching
and kicking an elementary school principal because one of his
teachers was wearing a skirt that was too short. [Chicago Tribune,
1-20-94; Knoxville News-Sentinel, 9-20-94; Edmonton Journal-CP,
9-29-94]

* The Charlotte Observer reported in June that a Sanford, N. C.,
man drove to City Hall, wearing only a towel, to complain that his
water had just been shut off in the middle of his shower.  After
the city pointed out that his account was overdue and that it had
mailed two warnings, the man stood in line, paid his bill, and
drove back home to finish his shower. [Charlotte Observer, 6-25-
94]

* In June, in Liberty, Ohio, police officer Bradley L. Sebastian,
tired of waiting for his food order at Denny's, stormed into the
kitchen, held his service revolver to the cook's head, and told
her he would kill her if she didn't hurry up.  In August, in
Oklahoma City, a Hardee's restaurant worker, angered that a
drive-through customer continued to complain about the delay in
his order, stripped off his headset, ran to his car, grabbed his
gun out of the trunk, and threatened the customer before fleeing.
[Warren Tribune, 6-10-94; Saturday Oklahoman, 8-20-94]

* Christian-oriented radio station WKID in Vevay, Ind., was
burglarized and set afire in September, probably by the man who
became angry earlier in the day when a DJ refused to play his
request.  [Editor's Note: The song was "Don't Take the Girl" by
Tim McGraw.  DJ's seeking to avoid trouble are advised to honor
all requests to play that song.] [USA Today, 9-29-94]

MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE

* Oklahoma City prosecutor Pattye Wallace, on a jury's
recommendation that Charles Scott Robinson be sentenced to 5,000
years in prison on each of six counts of rape of a 3-year- old
girl (which the judge ruled were to be served in sequence, from
1995 until the year 31995):  "I don't know if we'll get more
30,000-year sentences or not, but [this one] was deserved."
[Dallas Morning News-AP, Jan95]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material, or of the name News of the Weird.

    Re: .445
    
    >Michael R.  Waggoner, 37, Knoxville, Tenn., allegedly shot a man five 
    >times in a bar because he thought the man had asked "Have you got a 
    >light, baby?" when the man actually ended the question with "buddy"
    
    Talk about your homophobia....

    
    I wonder how they'll ask him for a light once he gets to prison...
    

    Better not ask him to pick up any soap, that's for sure.

	Yeah.... bet they will

Tampa, Florida:

A man who went into surgery to have his right foot
amputated awoke to learn the wrong foot was gone.

The patient, in his 50s, was told of the blunder while
he was in the recovery room at University Community
Hospital last week.  The man's leg was severed midway
between ankle and knee, hospital spokesman John Andreas
said.

Andreas did not know if the surgery team made an
attempt to reattach the limb, and said patient
confidentiality concerns and the man's wishes prevented
him from naming those involved and providing other
details.

The hospital is investigating the mistake.

Surgeon Emilio Echevarria, a member of the state Board
of Medicine, said doctors commonly circle a kneecap
with a marker or tie a ribbon on the correct limb.

Often they ask patients which side of the body, or
which limb, is to be operated on before administering
anesthesia.

"Sometimes the patient laughs at you -- 'Are you
kidding me, doctor?  You don't know what side it is
on?'"  Echevarria said.  "You can't be too careful."

Biologists have found the secret trysting place for one
species of South African leech, and their discovery
explains why it remained unrevealed for so long -- it
is inside a hippopotamus' rectum.

    
    leech is from south africa!?!?!?
    
    

    no...it's from a hippo's rectum!!!
    
    

That little fact could've remained undiscovered...
I wouldn'ta minded.

    
    
    
    Glad I'm not the one who made the discovery........

    What were the scientists doing looking up a hippo's rectum?  Strange
    lot, I'd say.
    
    -steve (not from south africa)

Most troubling that someone went to the, uh, effort
to make the discovery.

I don't want to hear about his/her experimental
procedures.  No I don't.

    
    
    
    prostate problem????????????

    {gwarrrrgul}

    
    Did the hippo sing "Moon River"?
    

    -1 hey, is that a shot at Andy Williams?   :-)

    Not, it's a reference to the movie "Fletch". If you didn't
    see it, there's really no point explaining it.
    
    -b

   Cover of Bulls Eye magazine Jan. 1995

     Picture of Glenn Silva holding the Guinness(?) book of world records which
      will publish his record of 1261 bullseyes in 10 hours.

Doesn't Silva's first name have only one n?

ME

	If it were me, I would like to have seen what the bullseye was a
picture of......:-)

    
    
    RE: Tampa University Hospital....My brother works there.
    I wonder if he will be working for an amputee soon....that
    man is gonna 'own' the entire hospital when he's done.
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

>    gonna 'own' the entire hospital when he's done.

	I think the entire hospital would cost and arm and a leg.
	They might give him a wing tho.

    Uh oh...I think we're starting off on the wrong foot again. 

    oh, cut it out.

    
    
    just knock it off!!
    
    

    I am not going to toe the box party line to not engage in repetitious
    pun strings.  It's time we stopped pussy footing around and got down to
    some serious inanity.  Let's not dance around this one folks.  Jump
    right in with both feet.  It'll keep us in stitches.  
    
    Lefty

    I would Lefty, but I'm stumped.

    ol Lefty is a cut above the rest, eh?   

    
    How long are we gonna 'drag' this on for?
    

    You'd have to hand it to him.

    What was the persons name -- Ilean.

    
    Maybe this person would appreciate seeing the string of puns here at
    his expense...
    
     Might even cheer him up a bit... don't ya know...
    

Chicago, Illinois:

Male sexual arousal depends on more than meets the eye:
Certain fragrances are powerful turn-ons and may even
be useful in treating impotence, suggests a new study
out Friday.

Chic perfumes, though, aren't the best aphrodisiacs.
It's the homey odors of pumpkin pie, doughnuts,
licorice and lavender that send blood rushing to a
man's penis, says Dr. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste
Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago.  He will
report on studies of 31 men at the American
Psychosomatic Society meeting in New Orleans.

Poor blood flow to the penis, increasingly a problem as
men age, is the most common physical cause of
impotence, says Hirsch.  He tested the blood flow of
men wearing masks scented with varied odors.

Every odor -- from cheese pizza to popcorn and roses --
boosted blood flow to the penis.  But some fragrances
were mega-erotic.  A combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender evoked a 40% increase in blood flow; doughnuts
and black licorice, 32%; doughnuts and pumpkin pie,
20%.

Donna Reed and Harriet Nelson probably were ahead of
their time, Hirsch jokes.  "This suggests women have
more of an affect on men if they throw away those
expensive perfumes and put some pumpkin pie in the
oven."

Redmond, Washington:

Police prevented a very bizarre suicide.

A 27-year-old man who police say wrapped his pickup
with electrical wire, took a large number of
painkillers, and had swigged a fifth of whiskey was in
Harborview Medical Center after his attempt at suicide.

When police arrived at his home, they found the man
sitting in his vehicle, which was wrapped in wire.  The
windows were covered with plastic on the inside, and
they could see the man holding an object connected to
wiring on the outside of the truck.

The man told officers he was despondent over a breaking
up with his girlfriend and that "he was going to drink
for a while and then electrocute himself."

Police, however, found the wiring was not connected to
any electrical source.

Redmond firefighters arrived, broke into the truck and
removed the man who was taken to the hospital for
psychiatric evaluation.

    >It's the homey odors of pumpkin pie, doughnuts,
    >licorice and lavender that send blood rushing to a
    >man's penis, 
    
    I always knew I was abnormal. I'm afraid the smell of
    doughnuts does not send blood rushing to my penis.
    
    I suppose that's why so many people use the drive-through
    at DD now...
    
    -b

    
    
    	lavender eh? that explains it....
    
    	Lilacs have a very nice scent also.....
    
    

    
    
    
    Anyone else going to buy some stock in Dunkin Donuts?

>> A 27-year-old man who police say wrapped his pickup
>> with electrical wire
    .
    .
>> Police, however, found the wiring was not connected to
>> any electrical source.
    
    Maybe he was going to drive repeatedly through a large magnet
    and induct himself.
    
    Chris

    
    
    Take advantage of some of that eddy current that's out there......

  >  Maybe he was going to drive repeatedly through a large magnet
  >  and induct himself.
  
    I don't think I've laughed that hard in weeks. Thank you!!!!
    
    -b

>    Maybe he was going to drive repeatedly through a large magnet
>    and induct himself.

You mean down at the Induction Center?  While eating Oh Henry bars?

	At karaoke last night, two people called themselves the Fried Inductors.

ME

 ================================================================
   
 Suicide, Homicide or Accident? 
  
 "On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus 
 and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused 
 by a shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the 
 decedent had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the 
 intent to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). 
 As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by 
 a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the 
 shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been erected 
 at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers and that the 
 decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit 
 suicide because of this. 
  
 Ordinarily, if a person sets out to commit suicide but dies by means 
 other than those intended, the death is deemed a suicide. That he was 
 shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not 
 change his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that 
 his suicide would not have been achieved because of the net caused the 
 medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. 

 Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th 
 floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an 
 elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun 
 because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not 
 hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he 
 completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window 
 striking the decedent. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills 
 subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. 
  
 The old man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his 
 wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was 
 loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife 
 with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, 
 the killing of the decedent appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun 
 had been accidentally loaded. 

 But further investigation turned up a witness stating that their son was 
 seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal 
 accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had 
 cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the propensity 
 of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the 
 expectation that the father would shoot his mother. 
  
 The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the 
 death of Ronald Opus. Further investigation revealed that the son 
 became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get 
 his mother murdered. This led him to jump off the ten story building 
 on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story 
 window. The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide." 
  
 Only real life can be this weird... 
  
 ================================================== hmmmm! =============== 
 
----- End Included Message -----

    >Suicide, Homicide or Accident? 
    
    None of the above. Urban legend sounds most likely.
    
    -b

WEIRDNUZ.367 (News of the Weird, February 17, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* Among the victims of New Year's celebrations this year were
people in Phoenix, Atlanta, and New Orleans, killed when bullets
fell back to earth after celebratory gunshots (along with two
similar deaths each in Angola and Italy), and six people in Japan,
who choked to death on sticky ricecakes that are traditional New
Year's Eve dishes.  But in Islamabad, Pakistan, the government
banned New Year's celebrations after Islamic fundamentalists
threatened to smash the cars of people suspected of having any
fun. [Riverside Press-Enterprise-AP, 1-2-95; New York Times,
1-4-95; Globe and Mail-AP, 12-31-94]

QUESTIONABLE JUDGMENTS

* In November, a man in Jerusalem, suffering from impotency and
frustrated with his treatments, injected himself improperly with a
serum and suffered a 36-hour erection, requiring hospitalization
until the swelling subsided.  Two days later, in London,
accountant Arthur Spears, who was notorious for shunning doctors,
died when the cable he had inserted into his urethra to combat a
pain became infected. [Toronto Star-Reuter, 11-28-94; Reuters
wirecopy, 12-1-94]

* In November, Mayor Carty Finkbeiner of Toledo, Ohio, told
reporters that the best solution to the increasing complaints of
noise at the Toledo Airport was to relocate deaf people to the
high-noise areas, facilitating their purchase of homes of the
complainers. (Several days later, the mayor apologized.) [St.
Petersburg Times-Toledo Blade, 11-5-94]

* According to a report in the San Francisco Chronicle, the Muslim
sect Tehrik-a-Nifaz in Pakistan declared in May that proper
Muslims should reject the government's traffic rules and begin
driving their cars on the right side of the road.  Since everyone
else in Pakistan drives on the left side, there were so many
serious accidents that two weeks later, the sect was forced to
rescind the decree. [San Francisco Chronicle, 6-9-94]

* In September, Merrill Shepro admitted to the national TV
audience of the Oprah Winfrey Show that he had burglarized the
home of Marguerite Greer.  (Later in the show, he returned her
belongings to her.)  Immediately afterward, several police
departments in the Chicago area, where Shepro lives, began
investigating Shepro for unsolved burglaries, and later in the
month, a DuPage county grand jury indicted him. [Chicago Tribune,
9-25-94]

* St. Bernard  Parish, La., city equipment driver Bobby Bouffine
resigned under fire in October.  According to city officials,
Bouffine had decided to stop by an X-rated video store for several
hours during the work day and parked the city's $100,000,
eight-ton, 25-foot-long pothole-filling machine in the parking
lot. [Times-Picayune, 10-6-94]

* Cockpit transcripts of the March crash of the Aeroflot jet in
Siberia, released in September, show that the pilot's 16-year-old
son and 12-year-old daughter were constantly playing with the
controls during the flight.  One of the last communications was of
the girl, asking, "Daddy, can I turn this?" [St. Petersburg Times-
AP, 9-28-94]

* An alleged drug courier was arrested near Rigaud, Quebec, in
August after his car came apart on the road.  When police found
700 pounds of hashish stuffed into various places in the trunk.
The driver had gotten a flat tire but could not replace it because
the spare had been removed to increase the hashish storage space.
When the tire went flat, the increased pressure in the trunk broke
the  car's rear suspension.  The courier got away but the hashish
he abandoned was worth $5.2 (Canadian) million dollars. [The
Montreal Gazette, 8-5-94]

PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS

* In October, India's leading Hindu holy "rolling man" Lotan Baba,
on a pilgrimage to England, demonstrated his craft by rolling on
his side for three miles through the middle of town in his quest
for world peace and eternal salvation.  He says he has rolled over
4,000 kilometers in India, through deserts, and in the middle of
monsoons.  Said a shopkeeper quoted by Reuters News Service, "I
just looked outside and there was this idiot rolling along the
ground." [[Bangkok Post, Oct94]]

* The New York Times reported in October that country-western
dancing enthusiast Les Burns of Waxhaw, N. C., had received a
patent for an electronic sensor worn on the arms that will alert
the dancer that his posture is bad--when he is, according to
Burns, "leaning hopelessly to one side or another." [Kansas City
Star-N. Y. Times, 10-9-94]

* In August, Harry Finley opened the Museum of Menstruation in the
basement of his Hyattsville, Md., home, according to a report in
Washington City Paper, and set up displays of 20th century
feminine hygiene products and advertisements.  Finley, who
explains his obsession only by saying that he finds menstruation
interesting, plans a Kotex retrospective for 1995.  [Washington
City Paper, 9-30-94]

* In September Professor Malcolm Wilkins of Glasgow University
told a conference at Loughborough University in England that
vegetarians are cruel to plants.  "Plants are sensitive
organisms," he said, claiming that some plants emit crackling
noises (inaudible to humans) when they need water. Wilkins said he
is especially annoyed at vegetarians who "don't like animals being
killed.  I say to them, 'You are perfectly happy to slice up a
tomato or cucumber.  Where is your logic?'"[Chicago Tribune-
Reuters, 9-10-94]

* Albert Cohen of Troy, N. Y., was awarded a patent in October for
an artificial arm to be attached to desk, floor, or wall and which
is designed primarily to be struck by sports fans in need of
giving someone a high-five when their favorite team enjoys
momentary success. [Albany Times Union, 11-16-94]

MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE

* University of Washington astrophysicist Dr. Bruce H. Margon,
quoted by the New York Times on the continuing inability of
science to measure or infer what the "blackness" in space is, even
though, by its properties, they know it must be matter:  "It's a
fairly embarrassing situation to admit that we can't find 90
percent of the universe." [New York Times, 11-29-94]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material, or of the name News of the Weird.

re:>rolling on his side for three miles through the middle of town in his quest
>for world peace and eternal salvation. 

"We never, ever do _nothin_ nice...and easy. We always do it nice....and
rough..."

"Left a good job in the city
Workin' for the man every night and day
And I never lost one minute of sleepin'
worryin' 'bout the way that things might've been...
Big wheel keep on turnin'
Proud Mary keep on burnin
And we're rollin' (rollin')
Rollin' (rollin')
Rollin' on the river... 

* University of Washington astrophysicist Dr. Bruce H. Margon,
quoted by the New York Times on the continuing inability of
science to measure or infer what the "blackness" in space is, even
though, by its properties, they know it must be matter:  "It's a
fairly embarrassing situation to admit that we can't find 90
percent of the universe." [New York Times, 11-29-94]

It was reported today that the "top quark" had been discovered...which is
supposed to indicate that the universe is "understandable".

From:	WIDMTH::RUFFO        "Mac 'n' cheese! We gotta make this."  6-MAR-1995 08:36:53.13
To:	refine::komar
CC:	
Subj:	Fwd: Nude Beach Gets Ramp

---------- Forwarded message begins here ----------

	MIAMI (AP) -- No clothes, no tan lines, no obstacles: Dade
County's only nude public beach has installed a wheelchair ramp
that has handicapped sunbathers tickled pink all over.
	``I'm really pleased that it's here, obviously,'' Fred Shotz,
who has a joint disorder, said as he soaked up the sun in the buff.
``It's a real benefit to people who are disabled who want to use
this beach.''
	The county paid $18,500 for the 150-foot ramp, which stretches
over the dunes to the half-mile ``clothing-optional'' strip of
Haulover Beach.
	The county also expects to spend up to $30,000 more on closer
parking for disabled nudists.
	Before the ramp was completed last month, Shotz had to call
ahead to have a park employee wheel him over to the nude zone.
Sometimes, several nudists would help out.
	``People would come over the stairway and carry your stuff,''
Shotz said Thursday. ``They even carried people in wheelchairs up
the steps and down across the beach.''
	Haulover is Florida's only nude public beach with a ramp that
makes it accessible to the disabled, said Shirley Mason, former
president of South Florida Free Beaches, a nudist organization.
	Activists demanded the ramp after Congress in 1990 passed the
Americans With Disabilities Act, which requires that public
accommodations be accessible to the handicapped.
	``It's two different issues. Whether or not to have the beach is
one. The other is, once having had it, providing access to it is
pretty much a given,'' said Diana Richardson, chief of the county's
Office of ADA Coordination. ``It's something that you must do under
ADA.''
	Haulover also has two $850 beach wheelchairs, which look like
long lawn chairs with huge tires for use on sand.
	Four regulatory agencies had to oversee the ramp project because
of Haulover Beach's delicate plant life and dunes.
	``It took a lot of permits and it took a lot of time,'' said
Marcus Breece, Haulover's beach safety manager.

    "Joint Disorder," eh...  I'll just bet... :-)
    

A student in Park View High School in Sterling, Va. who took a swig of mouthwash
was suspended for 10 days and ordered to attend a three-day substance abuse
program.  School rules prohibit possession of liquids containing alcohol.

Helsinki, Finland:

"Nunc hic aut numquam."

That's not exactly the way Elvis Presley sang "It's Now
or Never," but it is the Latin equivalent.  Some of his
biggest hits have been reissued in Finland and
translated into Latin on a compact disk to mark his
60th birthday, which was January 8.

"Latin is an eternal language, so what better way to
immortalize a legend?" said Jukka Ammondt, a literature
professor at the University of Jyvaskyla, 165 miles
north of Helsinki.  Ammondt made the CD with Finland's
Eurovision choir.

Ammondt's CD also includes: "Nunc aeternitatis" and
"Tenere me ama," "I Surrender" and "Love Me Tender"
respectively.

    I saw a news story that the news is broadcast in Latin in Finland.
    

    acta diurna in charta etiam fiunt.  plus quam quinquaginta milia homines
    mulieresque sunt qui latine dicunt leguntque ac scribunt.

    "scribunt"
    
    I've felt like this before too.

    
    According to a recent poll by The Washington Post, 43% of people
    surveyed either approved of the 1975 Public Affairs Act, or felt 
    that it should be repealed.  There is no such legislation.
    

Bartow, Florida:

A suspect in a 14-year-old double murder surrendered
and made a futile attempt to collect the $3,000 reward
for his own capture.

Gerald Lydell Voyles went straight to jail instead.

"We believe he was serious about the reward.  He will
not be eligible," Sheriff Lawrence Crow Jr. said.

Police said Voyles, 39, walked up to the Polk County
jail information window on Sunday, asked about the
$3,000, and gave his name.

Voyles and two others were charged in the deaths of two
men in 1981.

San Jose, California:

If only he had more time to practice, Jorge Aramuni
thought, he could become a chess master.

So the Brazilian native -- already a fine player --
quite his job and checked into a San Jose homeless
shelter, where he gets free health care, meals, even
voice mail.

Now he spends his days at a table deep in the stacks on
the fourth floor of San Jose State's main library,
immersed in books on chess tactics.  He plays out the
crucial moves with the plastic pawns, knights and rooks
he brings along.

"Many persons waste precious time," said the 6-foot-2-
inch, 240-pound Aramuni, in a deep voice that still
struggles with the English language.  "If you lose one
day, you lose that day forever."

Homeless shelter officials say Aramuni is simply doing
what they want all their clients to do: honing job
skills.

"He doesn't fit the criteria that others in the shelter
do," said InnVision's program manager, Marty Cameron,
"but I felt he deserved a chance.  His work, in my
mind, is his chess."

InnVision admits only 15 male clients at a time -- each
of whom must be highly motivated to end "their cycle of
homelessness" -- to a program of counseling and job
training that lasts three months.

Aramuni, 33, admits he volunteered for homelessness.
He gave up a job caring for the elderly in their homes
so he could train for the New York Open Chess
Tournament that begins April 12.

"When I was working, there was no time to study chess,"
he said.  "I looked at many books and asked people
about places I could stay for free so that I could
dedicate my time to chess."

Aramuni came to the Bay Area from Brazil in 1993.  In
his home country, his chess skills made him prominent
enough to secure corporate sponsors and he could
concentrate all his time on the game.

But to be really good at chess, one must play people
ranked higher than oneself and win.  In Brazil, Aramuni
said, he had run out of competition.

At the shelter, Aramuni gets what every InnVision
resident gets: food, a bus pass, A Santa Clara Valley
Medical card, a YMCA membership, his own phone voice
mail service and a mattress on the floor of a
sponsoring church.

    	\nasser in disguise.  Sounds like he finally got away from
    	that leaky faucet!~

    And getting chemigally castritated before barroll.

WEIRDNUZ.368 (News of the Weird, February 24, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* After a 34-year-old man somehow convinced a 19-year-old Central
Bible College student to submit to a gynecological exam in his
motel room so she could be cleared for a "scholarship" offer,
Springfield, Mo., prosecutors said in January that the man's only
crime apparently was a misdemeanor deceptive business practice.
And police in Nashville, Tenn., are in a quandary this month about
whether to charge Raymond Mitchell, 45, with a crime.  Six women
reported that he telephoned them, convinced them to blindfold
themselves and to wait for him, and had sex with them.  Each of
the women said she assumed it was a boyfriend calling.  One woman
had sex with Mitchell in that manner several times without
realizing he was a stranger.  [Springfield News-Leader, 1-15-94,
1-18-95; Tennessean, 1-22- 95, 1-26-95]

BRIGHT IDEAS

* The New York Times reported in January that among United Nations
Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali's suggestions for greater
UN recognition in 1995--its 50th anniversary--were advertisements
featuring a beautiful woman in an expensive car driving by the UN
building and exclaiming, "Ah, the United Nations!" [N. Y. Times,
1-3-95]

* In December, two avid Beethoven fans acquired a four-inch- long
lock of the composer's hair for $7,300 at a Sotheby's auction in
London and plan to have it tested to confirm historical suspicions
that the composer had African blood and had syphilis.  The hair
allegedly was snipped by Beethoven's father in 1827.  [The State
(Columbia, S. C.)-AP, 12-18-94]

* Police in Bimghamton, N. Y., finally were able to fingerprint
Lane L. Fontes on December 13 and thus learned he was wanted for
parole violations in Virginia.  They had to wait until his fingers
healed because Fontes, who had been arrested two weeks earlier for
leaving the scene of a car accident, had deliberately chewed the
skin off of the tips of all ten fingers just after he was
arrested, making it impossible to fingerprint him. [AP wirecopy,
12-14-94]

* James R. Scott was convicted in November of removing sandbags
from a Mississippi River levee during the 1993 floods, causing
millions of dollars in damages and closing the only bridge for 100
miles that connected Missouri and Illinois.  According to a
witness at Scott's trial, Scott, of Fowler, Ill., did it to strand
his wife in Missouri "so he could have a party at his house."
[Columbia Tribune-AP, 11-1-94]

* In her Chicago trial in November for trying to hire a hit man to
kill her husband, physician Wynne Superson denied the charge and
testified that her desire to see her husband dead was just a
fantasy.  However, prosecutors produced a tape in which a police
informant discussed a hit man with Superson, who said she could
not afford to pay money but would offer the hit man oral sex every
day for the next ten years. [Chicago Tribune, 11-11-94]

* In June, the U. S. Army revealed to Congress that in 1964 and
1965 its scientists had gone into stockyards in six cities,
sneaked up on cattle, and sprayed them with ordinary deodorant.
The Army wanted to see how difficult it would be for the Soviets
to sneak into stockyards and spread hoof-and-mouth germs in order
to poison the U. S. meat supply. [Albuquerque Journal-AP, 8-5- 94]


* Last spring, New Jersey officials stopped a rash of purse-
snatchings in restrooms along the Garden State Parkway by removing
hooks from ladies' room stall doors.  (Thieves would reach over
the stall doors and remove purses, which women had hung on hooks
while they used the toilet.)  According to a Philadelphia Inquirer
story in June, the thieves then reinstalled the hooks at their own
expense, facilitating the theft rate to rise once again.
[Philadelphia Inquirer, 6-14-94]

FEUDS

* As part of a longstanding feud, James Helton petitioned the
Sumter (S. C.) City Council in August to change the name of
Goodson Road, which runs by his property, to Helton Road.  The
government paved the road ten years ago and named it for the
neighboring Goodson family after asking residents what name they
preferred for the road.  Helton's petition pointed out that his
family had lived on the road since 1907 (versus 1935 for the
Goodsons) and that on the day of the name survey, the Heltons
weren't home. [Charleston Post & Courier, 8-13-94]

* In September, an employee of the Myers Construction Company was
convicted of misdemeanor assault against the owner of a competing
company, Herbert M. Miller.  While Miller was in his bulldozer
working on the Stewartstown Station development in York, Pa., in
June 1993, three Myers employees blocked his way in their
earth-moving machines, and when Miller tried to go over a curb
around them, one followed him, caught up to him, and used his
machine's "bulldozer bucket" to lift Miller's bulldozer off the
ground and tip it over. [York Daily Record, 9- 16-94, 9-17-94]

* In September, St. Louis, Mo., police accused Joseph Monti, 87,
of shooting to death former mob figure Frank Parrino outside
Parrino's tavern in July.  According to police, the reason Monti
gave for the killing was that Parrino beat Monti up once in the
mid-1960s when Monti told Parrino to leave his club because he was
making too much noise. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 9-17-94]

CREME DE LA WEIRD

* In January, anesthesiologist Channagirie Manjanatha pleaded
guilty to criminal negligence in Regina, Saskatchewan, for leaving
the room for 15 minutes during surgery to make a phone call, thus
leaving an oxygen machine unmonitored, which resulted in brain
damage to the patient.  And in November, the North Carolina Board
of Medical Examiners suspended neurosurgeon Raymond Sattler for
nine incidents including one in which he took a lunch break in the
middle of aneurysm surgery, leaving the patient's brain exposed
with no other physician in the room. [Edmonton Journal-CP, 1-7-95;
Charlotte Observer-AP, 11-25-94; ]

MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE

* Jack Wright of Kingston, Ontario, the Guinness Book record
holder for the owner of the most cats at one time (689), quoted in
the Toronto Star in April:  "You can visualize a hundred cats.
Beyond that, you can't.  Two hundred, five hundred, it all looks
the same." [Sault Star-Toronto Star-CP, 4-28-94]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.

    >informant discussed a hit man with Superson, who said she could
    >not afford to pay money but would offer the hit man oral sex every
    >day for the next ten years. [Chicago Tribune, 11-11-94]
    
    Hmmm. I wonder if he requested a (going) down payment.
    
    -b

    every day for the next ten years?!!

Whatever it takes [tm].

It's a matter of deposits and withdrawals.

(Oh this isn't the "Working Out" topic?!)

	Sorry about breaking up the puns, but my hometown (practically)
was in there - Binghamton

ME

    Spanish newspaper printed that Canada had sent out an armed fleet to
    repel the fishing fleet, including an AIRCRAFT CARRIER, that must have
    had the boys in Ottawa reaching for their phones trying to find out who
    went out and baught an aircraft carrier without telling them first.
    
    
    joan
    
    

    Yes, we Canadians are pirates as far as the EU is concerned.

    <--- True, but I thought Canadian pirating was well known to be
    confined to the St. Lawrence Seaway.
    
    

	Best look out for the pirates of the Canadian.

ME

	Glenn, does that make you Cabin Boy? :-)

| <<< Note 79.519 by CAPNET::ROSCH >>>

| There is nothing more vicious than a rabid and aroused maple-leaf
| wearing beaver. God help Franco's folly...


	Well, said in my best/loudest Garret Morris news for the deaf voice...

	

                        FRANSISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD
		

"I haven't committed a crime.  What I did was fail to comply with the law."
        David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
        he failed to pay his taxes.

"They give you a book of checks.  They didn't ask for any deposits."
        Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer
        questions about the House bank scandal.

"He didn't say that.  He read what was given to him in a speech."
        Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush
        wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be
        no loss of wetlands

"It depends on your definition of asleep.  They weren't stretched out.
They had their eyes closed.  They were seated at their desks with their
heads in a nodding position."
        Commonwealth Edison supervisor of news information John Hogan,
        responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission
        inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant Operators were
        sleeping on the job.

"I didn't accept it.  I received it."
        Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan,
        explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by
        two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private
        interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that *where*
I was flying made what I was doing spying."
        Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets
        for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
        President Richard Nixon

 "Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your  life."
      Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become
      spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign


 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
      Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward


 "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially
 members of the House and members of the Senate."
      Vice-President Dan Quayle (surprise, surprise)


 "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
 country."
      Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.


 On Pesticides:
 "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
 something else anyway."
      Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane


 "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the
 police."
      Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of
      various products abroad


 "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
      Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator


 "If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on the
 bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games in this
 league, and that's the problem we had today."
      Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost


 On  Government Ability to Communicate After Death,:
 "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
 discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired
 on January 1, 1976."
   Illinois Department of Public Aid


 On Criticism:
 "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and
 I'm just the one to do it."
      a congressional candidate in Texas


 "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
      Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad


 MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
      sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio


 Wish--To end all the killing in the world
 Hobbies--Hunting and fishing
      from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on
      the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium


 "He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and
 give it to 435 Congressmen!"
      Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the indicted
      Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by the House
      instead of in a regular court


 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
 century's history....  We all lived in this century.  I didn't live in
 this century."
      Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
      candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion
      about the Holocaust


 "In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
      John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early
      seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"


 "At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in the
 program.  Rotarians, be patriotic!  Learn to shoot yourself."
      from Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"


 "The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them
 unsafe."
      Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia


 "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
 underpolluted."
      Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why
      we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries


 On the Little-known Importance of Poultry Inspectors:
 "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
 penalty for certain violent crimes:  assassinating the President;
 hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
      Knight Ridder News Service dispatch


 "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
 school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
 David Steele to the post."
      Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island


 "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
      baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on
      the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

I can't give you a "1" but I can rate you a high "2".
				-- my manager

	.522  how nice.  ;>

	one has to have descended from mt. olympus to get a "1"
	around these parts.

>	one has to have descended from mt. olympus to get a "1"
>	around these parts.

You mean like a goddess?

 careful - your bias is showing. 

Anybody have a needle and thread?

Nope. All I've got is scissors and a can of Coors.

	Much better than a N&T imho...

How will scissors and beer fix my bias?

    
    
    I'm not gonna *TOUCH* that one....
    
    
    
    
    
    
    HAHAHAHAHA
    

	Easy, you drink enough, discover your bias was wrong, and cut up your
bias. Of course in the morning your bias will return, well, once the headache
goes away....

Hey, I only tol' you what I had. Ifn' you want/need 'em you figure out how to
use 'em. This is the knowledge-based age, doncha know...ain't got time to write
documentation. 

Can't have the Coors 'til I finish it tho...

    
    
    Coors, feh.  I'm having a Post Road Pale Ale.
    
    Drinking Coors is like making love in a canoe.
    

    Now THIS has got to be a simile to make one smile... Give wif the
    reason, MzDeb!!!  Prithee!!!?
    

    
    Lean close, Dr.Dan, and I'll whisper it in your ear.  Just between you
    and me and all 8^).

    Waal if YOU won't, someone else WILL put it in the 'Box (oo er 'n all).
    
    (I just *know* I've heard it before... I guess I just repress all that
    licentious stuff, eh...)
                  

    drdan, since mz_deb is gonna hold out on you, drinking coors (or any
    other 'murican mass-market product of similar persuasion) is like
    making love in a canoe because it's effing close to water.

    So you don't know what a J stroke is?

| <<< Note 79.533 by POWDML::LAUER "Little Chamber of Fuzzy Faces" >>>


| Drinking Coors is like making love in a canoe.

	Tipsey?

                                                     
    Dick is correct 8^).
    
    Hey, I know what a j-stroke is!

    
    I just thought I'd step in here to dispell the notion that
    the j in j-stroke stands for John Thomas. :-) :-)
    
    -b

Welll MS. Deb...my taste is broad (oh-er) and I've sipped many in my time.

USually I like Carlsberg (for price and all) but I've been known to cop Fuller's
E.S.B. and some other German/Danish/Mexican/Dutch/Jamaican....varieties.

(For some reason Coors -- which I have hardly ever drunk -- came to mind when
trying -- at least onece in a while -- a little levity in the 'box cauldron.)

As for canoeing...I ain't afraid to get wet.

    >I just thought I'd step in here to dispell the notion that
    >the j in j-stroke stands for John Thomas. :-) :-)
     
    Oh.  I guess I don't know what a j-stroke is, then 8^o.
    
    
    
    
    Heh 8^).  Just kidding.  I do, I really do.  I have two canoes in my
    back yard.

> I have two canoes in my back yard.

They might be more useful elsewhere.

    >heh 8^).  Just kidding.  I do, I really do.  I have two canoes in my
    >back yard.
    
    What was that about two punts and a canoe? :-)
    
    {I'll save you the trouble; I just slapped myself... :-) }
    
    -b

    
    
    two deb???  i only thought ya had one...but anyway...you, me, and tine
    (minus the aussies and my swan lake impression) should take it out this
    summer...i love canoeing (sp)...
    
    

    
    Youall help me get it on top of the Rodeo, and we'll go.  I can't lift
    it high enough by myself 8^p. 

    
    Waaaaayyyyyy Waaaaaaay back when, I was a camp councelor at
    Treasure Valley Boy Scout reservation, and was the instructor
    for merit badges in canoeing, sailing and marksmanship...
    (no, they're not all the same thing :-)
    
    I love canoeing too... whitewater especially. Paddling
    around a lake is a tad boring, but doing some serious
    rapids on some of the rivers in Western MA or Maine is
    defintely cool adrenaline junky stuff...
    
    -b

| <<< Note 79.546 by POWDML::LAUER "Little Chamber of Fuzzy Faces" >>>



| Heh 8^). Just kidding. I do, I really do. I have two canoes in my back yard.

	Does that mean you drink 2 Coors at a time???

    
    Bite your tongue, my love; Coors does not pass my lips!
    

| <<< Note 79.554 by POWDML::LAUER "Little Chamber of Fuzzy Faces" >>>


| Bite your tongue, my love; Coors does not pass my lips!

	Soooo...... now that you opened the err... door... what does pass by
your lips...:-)

	You didn't answer the question......

    Herr BinderSan, I yam in yer debt as per usual.  I *knew* I'd heard
    that 'un before...
    
    Nice innocent act, MzDeb... :-)
    

Wacky News Briefs, people, Wacky News Briefs!

WEIRDNUZ.369 (News of the Weird, March 3, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* Two instances of flying cows were reported recently:  In
November, a cow fell off of a cliff and crashed through the roof
of a small house near Yaounde, Cameroon, landing on Marguerite
Nomo's dinner table.  And the Associated Press reported in
November that high winds in Arkansas killed several cattle by
carrying them into treetops. [St. Catharines Standard- Reuter,
11-18-94; New York Times-AP, 11-28-94]

NAMES IN THE NEWS

* An Associated Press report from Ocean Springs, Miss., in January
revealed that restaurant owner Nikone Unknown, 40, acquired that
name when he immigrated to the U. S. from Laos in 1979 and feared
revealing his real name to American officials, who simply listed
his last name as "unknown."  Unknown's wife, Ratchanee Unknown,
and his son, Nick Unknown, live with him.  [Arlington Journal,
Jan95]

* Recent deaths: Gladys Louise White-Black, in Austin, Tex.;
Hallelujah Amen Lee, in Kasilof, Alaska; Kevin C. Tombs, in New
York City; lawyer Thomas C. Angst, 31, of suicide after a
Pennsylvania Supreme Court disciplinary board investigation closed
in on him; and Mr. Eleven Hopson, 74, in Columbus, Ohio, the last
survivor of Mary and Thomas Hopson's eleven children. [Austin
American-Statesman, 8-16-94; Anchorage Daily News, Jun94; Newark
Star-Ledger, Nov94; Syracuse Herald-Journal-Knight-Ridder,
10-8-94; Columbus Dispatch, 9-8- 94]

* Recent births (girls): In York, Pa., Atheist Evolution Rollason
(named because her parents believe that God played no role in her
creation); and in Portland, Ore., Surreal Turquoise Spiral
Hawthorne. [Denver Post-AP, 9-8-94; USA Today, 8-15-94]

* Recent business news:  The announcement of Cupid Network
Television's home shopping channel for sexy merchandise was made
by president Offer Assis; a federal grand jury returned an
indictment for false corporate-tax returns against Bert A. Lies,
Jr.; and the announcement of Jantzen's new bust-enhancing swimwear
for 1995 was made by the company then-president, Jay R. Titsworth.
[L. A. Times-AP, 5-29-94; Albuquerque Journal, 8-10-94; Charlotte
Observer, 12-20-94]

* Recent arrests:  On a prostitution charge in Pisgah, Md., Alonda
Ann Hoe, 21; on marijuana-smuggling charges in Sarita, Tex.,
George Washington, 40; on murder charges in Miami (for a plot in
Haiti), Hitler Fleurinord; on trespassing charges at a Fairfax,
Va., high school, Fonzie Agnew, 20. [Maryland Independent
(Waldorf, Md.), 12-28-94; McAllen Monitor-Valley Morning Star,
12-31-94; New York Times, 11-19-94; Washington Times, 10-20-94]

* Recent sports news:  Rev. Jesse Jackson protested the hiring of
a white man, over a black man, to be head football coach at the
University of Colorado by sending a letter to the school's
president, Judith E. N. Albino; the point guard for the Florida
A&M Rattlers basketball team is freshman Scientific Mapp; and
other well-named basketball players researched by the Providence
(R. I.) Phoenix include Mr. Theatric Ishmon (Jackson State), Mr.
Fabulous Flournoy (McNeese State), and high school player Ms.
Summer Erb (Lakewood, Ohio). [Chronicle of Higher Education,
12-14-94; Southwest Times Record (Ft. Smith, Ark.), 12-21-94;
Providence Phoenix, 11-18-94]

PEOPLE IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME

* In July at the zoo in Maracaibo, Venezuela, Alexander Perez, 19,
suffering from diarrhea, decided that the most privacy he could
get in a moment's notice was behind some bushes in the lion's pen.
The lion charged after him, and Perez, unable to run because his
pants were down, was severely mauled before a friend could jump
into the pen and hit the lion with a brick.  [Calgary
Herald-Reuter, 7-29-94]

* In October, jailers in Lubbock, Tex., inadvertently put two men
they had arrested in separate incidents, Raymond Medellin, 17, and
Jesus Garcia, 39, in the same cell.  The two slept peaceably but
then, over breakfast, Garcia realized that Medellin had been
arrested for killing Garcia's son.  Garcia beat Medellin up before
jailers intervened. [San Antonio Express-News, 10-8- 94]

* In October, drug dealers in Baltimore, Md., panicking after
seeing a police officer on one side of their building, began
tossing cocaine packets out the second-story window on the other
side of the building.  At that moment, below the window, police
officers on another job were setting up traffic cones to mark off
parking spaces for the police commissioner and other officials
interested in visiting a "drug neighborhood." [Baltimore Sun, 10-
28-94]

* In August, California Highway Patrol officers caught up to
accused speeder K. Stanley Rutkowski when he had to stop on
Interstate 5 near Oceanside; the highway had been closed
temporarily because a man was threatening a suicide jump from an
overpass.  And near Enfield, Conn., in January, a robbery suspect
was caught when he was forced to stop on Interstate 91; the
highway was blocked because of a long funeral procession for a
deceased police officer. [L. A. Times, 8-10-94; New Haven
Register-AP, 1-5-95]

* Timothy Weems, 34, was arrested in Fontana, Calif., in October
and charged with attempted theft of a television set from John
Victor's apartment.  Allegedly, Weems forced his way in and took
the set, but encountered police on his way out of the building.
The police were there because Weems had been robbed a few minutes
earlier by someone else, had called police, and was waiting for
them to arrive when Weems allegedly barged in.  [Inland Valley
Daily Bulletin, 10-3-94]

MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE

* Accused murderer Bob Russell Williams, Jr., allegedly telling a
Bakersfield, Calif., police officer that he did not deserve the
death penalty (which could be given if the murder occurred in
conjunction with other felonies):  "I might have killed that lady,
but I'm no burglar." [Bakersfield Californian-L. A. Times, 11-
11-94]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.

    re: .561
    
    RE: LEAD STORY
    
    Somehow, the only thing that came to mind when I read that
    was all those commercials that said,
    
    "Beef. It's what's for dinner."

Mark Bourglas, 33, of South Boston, was convicted of robbing a Burger King
a week after he got out of jail, where he had been serving time for robbing
the same restaurant.  Four BK employees jumped him as he tried to flee the
restaurant.  When he was arrested, he bit the arresting officer on the leg.
During sentencing, the judge asked Bourglas is he was aware that infections
can be spread through bites.  He replied, "I brush my teeth, your honor."

Man in his 80s cashed in his penny collection which he saved over his lifetime.
Approximately 8 million pennies, or $80,000 worth, and they filled about
40 garbage cans.

-Madman

    
    
    Oh no!  Oh no!  Didn't we argue about this one some time back, or is it
    possible that there are multiple people hoarding pennies in garbage
    cans 8^)?
                                          			

    That's where I keep mine.  Gonna cash them in and buy me a double wide.

    
    
    already been discussed
    
    

During a radio interview, Kenneth Clarke, Britain's finance minister, noted
the great success of the northern England town of Consett, saying it had "one
of the best steelworks in Europe."  But the steel mill was closed down 15 years
ago, putting 3000 employees out of work.  To redeem himself of that gaffe, last
week Clarke cited another Consett factory as a major competitor in the world of
disposable diapers.  The town's diaper plant closed down two years ago.

Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England:

A man awaiting appearance for a breach of probation in
Newcastle-upon-Tyne took advantage of a court recess to
rob a woman of 100 pounds as she withdrew money from a
local cash machine.

Glen Telford, 21, had the shock of his life however
when he finally made his court appearance in the
afternoon and the woman he robbed turned out to be the
Justice of the Peace in charge his probation case.

Magistrate Linda Hoggs recognized her lunch break
mugger immediately, and quickly dispatched the
Northumberland man to jail for three years.

WEIRDNUZ.370 (News of the Weird, March 10, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* Police in East Patchogue, N. Y., filed a false-report charge
against Nicholas Lalla, 32, in January after he had sworn out a
complaint that his estranged wife slapped him.  Lalla played for
police an audiotape he had made clandestinely in which slapping
sounds are heard amidst his yelling, "Don't hit me."  When police
informed Mrs. Lalla of the clandestine audiotape, she played for
them a clandestine videotape she had made of him making the
audiotape:  He is shown yelling "Don't hit me" outside her house
after she has left to go back inside. [Marshfield (Mo.) Mail-AP,
1-25-95]

COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE

* In December, the Internal Revenue Service demanded that John
Zwynenberg pay $6.4 million within 90 days.  But Zwynenberg's only
tax "liability" is that he stands to be awarded money in the
lawsuits filed in connection with the 1988 terrorist bombing of
Pan Am flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, in which his son,
John, was killed.  However, no date has been set for the
distribution of that money, and the award might be much less than
IRS anticipates.  Still, IRS said Zwynenberg would either have to
pay up or to hire a lawyer and sue the agency. [St.  Petersburg
Times-AP, 12-22-94]

* A central Florida enterprise called Pyramids Unlimited, rejected
in October in the town of Bushnell, plans to approach several
other towns with its venture of a 50-story-high, pyramid- shaped
tomb to hold 300,000 crypts and house a chapel at the top.  Said
Pyramids spokesman Ben Everidge, of the $200 million project,
"We're not talking some tacky mall here." [Orlando Sentinel,
10-12-94; Newsweek, 11-7-94]

* In September, a 25-year-old woman was abducted from her home in
Carrollton, Ohio, by a man police identified as Donald Eugene
Bright, 37.  According to police, Bright took her to a motel near
Pittsburgh, Pa., where he raped her.  She escaped from the room
and, shoeless, ran along a road, avoiding Bright's pursuing car,
periodically making collect phone calls for help, and being
unsuccessful in getting assistance from passersby.  So many
motorists refused to help her that when police finally picked her
up, she had run 15 miles from the motel. [Canton Repository,
9-5-94]

* In December in Stuart, Fla., Francis Reichert, 58, inadvertently
dislodged a cherry pit, one-half inch in diameter, from his nose
during a routine visit to his doctor.  Reichert said he stuffed
cherry pits up his nose to impress playmates when he was a kid,
but had not done that since he was 8.  Reichert's doctor said the
pit may be the longest-standing object ever discovered in
someone's nose. [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 12-15- 94]

* In October, in Jakarta, Indonesia, authorities discovered one of
the largest caches of drugs ever found in a smuggler's stomach.
Basudev Parajuli, 26, of Katmandu, was carrying at least 103
tubes, containing 2.6 pounds of heroin, valued at $460,000.
[Greenville (S. C.) News, 10-15-94]

CHUTZPAH

* After David May resigned in October from the office of Registrar
of Vital Statistics in Buffalo, N. Y., he asked to be paid the
$8,500 in unused annual leave he had accrued.  May resigned only
because he had been caught on videotape taking cash payments from
people requesting documents like birth certificates, and had over
$200,000 in improperly-gained cash at his house.  According to the
city's labor relations director, May is legally entitled to the
$8,500.  [Jefferson City (Mo.) Capital News-AP, 10-28-94]

* According to a November Wall Street Journal story, a traveler
telephoned the Hyatt Hotel in Dubai to ask that it send him
luggage that he had absent-mindedly left behind.  The luggage had
already been searched for identification by the hotel and was
found to contain Hyatt towels, Hyatt silverware, and the Hyatt
clock and bathroom scale from the man's room. [Wall Street
Journal, 11-18-94]

* In July, James Dixon, 29, demanded that police come to his home
in Syracuse and listen to his complaint about massive drug-
trafficking in the neighborhood around his apartment house.  After
the visit, on a hunch, one officer stayed behind as the police car
pulled away from the building.  Almost immediately, reported the
officer, a stream of customers knocked on Dixon's door to buy
drugs.  A search turned up 84 bags of crack cocaine.  [Syracuse
Herald-Journal, 7-5-94]

* In December, three men were arrested in Russellville, Ark., and
charged with theft.  The men lived in a three-bedroom, two- bath
house that, according to the Pope County sheriff, was built and
furnished in its entirety with stolen materials--everything,
according to an investigator, from the plywood to a porch swing to
the teapots. [New Haven Register, 12-25-94]

FAMILY VALUES

* In November, Donna Dunik, 63, was arrested for trying to smuggle
drugs and supplies to her incarcerated son in Warren, Ohio.  In
colored balloons housed in her socks and bra were marijuana, paste
cocaine, flake cocaine, vitamin B (to cut the cocaine), and yeast
(an ingredient for homemade wine).  And in Lancaster, Ohio, in
October, Elsie Sheets, 54, was indicted for helping her son and
his friends dispose of the bodies of two schoolmates they
allegedly killed.  According to prosecutors, after disposal,
Sheets brought the kids home and made pizza for them. [USA Today,
10-20-94]

* According to police in Odell, Ill., in August, William Wykes,
57, burst into the home of his bedridden father, Otis Wykes, 85,
and pointed a handgun at him, but before he could get off a shot,
the father pulled his own gun and fired four times, wounding his
son.  Said the prosecutor, "It appears there was a history between
the two." [Peoria Journal-Star, 8-4-94]

* At sentencing in November in Brattleboro, Vt., for killing his
father with a chain saw, Kevin Record, 28, was asked by the judge
if he had any regrets.  Said Record, "One of the main regrets that
I have is that I wasn't able to take the chain saw to the rest of
my family." [USA Today, 11-25-94]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.

    
    Had to put this here...
    
    A couple in the South End (Boston) was found stabbed to death in their
    home yesterday...
    
     Police have no clues nor motive...
    
      Boston Police Deputy Superintendent said both victims were stabbed
    repeatedly in the stomach and chest..
    
      ***** He said police are considering whether the case may be a
    murder-suicide.*******

     A couple took their dalmation to the vet. It seems their pooch had
    suddenly been seized with sneezing fits. An examination lead to the
    retrieval of a ball point pen which the canine had somehow managed to
    get up its nose. The dog owner used the pen to write the check to pay
    for the bill.

Man writes Ex-Lax for refund.

Ex-Lax grants refund but mistakenly uses man's zip code as the check amount.
Instead of 1.99, he gets 98,002.

Search for man is underway.

I guess I should move west before asking Ex-Lax for a refund.

   
   You really think anyone would be hunting for someone who cashed a 2K
   and change over payment?
   
   (But .573 sounds like an urban legend to me.)
   
   								-mr. bill

| <<< Note 79.575 by PERFOM::LICEA_KANE "when it's comin' from the left" >>>


| You really think anyone would be hunting for someone who cashed a 2K and 
| change over payment?

	Uhhhhh reread it. It's over 98k.....

| (But .573 sounds like an urban legend to me.)

	Nah, you just didn't read it right.... :-)

re:.574

You think that's something you should hear the story about my Lo-jack, and
how it got "repaired".

160 year old loan to Sam Houston (yes the one who helped the US steal Texas
from Mexico :-) ) for $100 paid back by descendent of lendee to Houston's
descendent.

    
    stolen fair and square..

    re .573
    
    This actually happened to a colleague of mine recently - she got given
    a bonus and they keyed in her badge number as the amount !! She got
    given over seven thousand pounds. For some strange reason the company
    wanted it back...
    
    Dave
    ====

    < Note 79.580 by PEKING::SULLIVAND "Not gauche, just sinister" >
    
    >This actually happened to a colleague of mine recently - she got given
    >a bonus and they keyed in her badge number as the amount !!
    
    The same person must have been doing the typing when my details were
    changed. My London weighting which had dropped to zero when I moved to
    the CSC, was mysteriously amended to be the badge number of the next
    person to be processed!!!!
    
    Like the previous example, the company wanted the money back too!!!!
    Luckily I had queeried the amount, so I didn't owe the company too much
    money. I sometime wonder if I'd just shut up, would I still be getting
    the allowance every month!!!!   :>>>>>>> 
    
    POL

WEIRDNUZ.371 (News of the Weird, March 17, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY

* Writing in the February Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, two
Wisconsin researchers concluded that nose-picking does not create
problems for most people, but that for some, the habit "may meet
criteria for a disorder--rhinotillexomania."  Among their survey
findings: 66.4% of pickers did it "to relieve discomfort or
itchiness" (versus 2.1% for "enjoyment" and 0.4% for "sexual
stimulation"); 65.1% used the index finger (versus 20.2% little
finger and 16.4% thumb); and "Once removed, the nasal debris was
examined, at least some of the time, by most respondents."
[Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, February 1995]

THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY

* Roger T. Martinez filed a $1 million slander suit in Los Angeles
in August against comedian Paul Rodriguez.  According to the
lawsuit, Rodriguez, in a TV comedy routine, falsely said that he
failed to marry his girlfriend (Martinez's daughter) because
Martinez had attacked him with a gun, that Rodriguez had then
become scared and had inadvertently urinated, and that Rodriguez
was able to escape only because Martinez slipped on the urine and
fell. [Entertainment Law & Finance, September 1994]

* Convicted murderer Allen Kinsella told an Ontario judge in
November that he intends to sue officials at the Bath Institution
prison.  Kinsella, who was harshly punished after an escape, said
that a ladder carelessly left behind by a construction crew, and
not removed by prison officials, gave him the idea that he could
slip away. [Kingston Whig-Standard, 11-23-94]

* Canada Olympic team goalie Corey Hirsch threatened to file a
lawsuit in February against the government of Sweden because it
plans to issue a postage stamp depicting Sweden's dramatic 1994
hockey victory over Canada.  The winning goal was scored against
Hirsch, and he is protesting that the picture of him, allowing
Sweden the winning goal, "is not the way I want to be remembered."
[Edmonton Journal-AP, 2-9-95]

* In January, David Degondea filed a $3 million lawsuit against
the New York Police Department claiming that officers injured him
during an arrest.  The arrest was for killing another officer, a
crime for which Degondea was convicted.  Part of the $3 million is
for "loss of earnings," but police evidence shows that Degondea's
only occupation was as drug dealer. [New York Post, 1-9-95]

* In January, the Headcorn Parachute Club in Kent, England, won a
lawsuit against the estate of a deceased member for damaging its
airplane.  The woman was accidentally killed when she fell into
the airplane's moving propeller, damaging it.  And in August, the
federal Board of Veterans' Appeals granted the application of  a
wife to receive survivors' benefits because her husband died of
"service-related" injuries.  Actually, the wife had shot the
husband to death during an altercation, but she successfully
claimed that previous military stress had caused him to start the
altercation. [Globe and Mail-Reuters, 1-12-95] [Clearinghouse
Review, November 1994]

* Kenneth Abbott filed a lawsuit in December against state and
local police over an traffic incident in Bowling Green, Ky.,
charging them with negligence in letting him off with a warning.
Abbott was intoxicated at the time but was released by the
officers.  He subsequently caused a traffic accident and was
charged with seven counts of wanton endangerment.  He contends
that if officers had arrested him in the first place, the accident
never would have occurred. [Owensboro Messenger- Inquirer,
12-30-94]

*  In August a judge in Ogden, Utah, awarded $267 in damages to
the owner of a dented car after a man admitted to having sex with
a woman on the hood.  The woman claimed that the two had sex on
the ground next to the car; her partner contradicted her, saying
that the sex took place on the car but that she is the one who
caused the dents. [Salt Lake Tribune, 8-25-94]

* Last year, women filed lawsuits in Charleston, S. C., and
Clifton Park, N. Y., over injuries suffered in public restroom
mishaps.  In April, the South Carolina woman claimed the toilet in
Children's Hospital shattered beneath her, causing her to fall and
injure her back.  In December, the New York woman said the toilet
at a McDonald's restaurant was unsteady, causing her to be
"thrown" against a wall when she sat down, injuring her arm,
shoulder, and chest. [Post & Courier, 6-22-94] [St. Petersburg
Times, 12-9-94]

* Joel Ford filed a $45 million lawsuit in Jackson, Miss., in
September against Oxford University Press, which publishes the
principal edition of the Bible, on the ground that it is based on
hearsay and that it oppresses blacks and gays.  (He dropped the
lawsuit one month later because, he said, he had received threats
on his life.) [Times-Picayune-AP, 10-29-94]

* A judge in Oakland, Calif., ended Fred Whitaker's free access to
state courts in October after the man filed his 23rd petition in
that court, of about 40 overall since 1987, that the judge called
"frivolous."  Among his previous lawsuits:  Whitaker sued a
grocery store that accepted his 30-cents-off coupon on Mug Root
Beer but charged sales tax on the posted price, lowering his yield
to 28 cents.  He sued a video club that had issued him a one-free-
video-per-month coupon but had declined to give him two videos one
month after he pointed out that he had not used his coupon the
previous month. [San Francisco Examiner, 10-12-94]

LEAST COMPETENT PERSON

* In December a student at Georgia Tech was hospitalized in
serious condition after he ran down a long dormitory hallway at
full speed and jumped through a window.  According to campus
police, the man might have panicked when a very small fire broke
out among papers in his room at 3 p.m. [Atlanta Journal-
Constitution, 12-14-94]

LEAST JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

* William Patrick Ford III, 15, was charged with the murder of a
liquor store owner in Dundalk, Md., in February.  According to the
police, Ford shot the man after being rebuffed in his request for
change of a dollar.  The victim's last words were, "What do I look
like, a bank?" [Baltimore Sun, 2-22-95]

Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate.  All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers.  No commercial use may
be made of the material or of the name News of the Weird.

<---- Gerald, one would think you could PICK a better lead story....