Conference napalm::guitar

    Ask Coop all these questions....he's the absolute *master* of handling
    male/female relationships!  ;^}
    
    And don't forget we have noters of the female gender......it would be
    really neat if they would tell us stupid men what we're doing wrong!
    
    
    steve

    On the money end, as I gig regularly, this is the current arrangement:
    
    	50% of the gig money (after expenses) goes into our savings
    	account.
    
    	50% goes into *my* savings account with which I may do what I
    	please.
    
    NO money from my job at DEC or my wife's job goes towards any musical
    stuff, period.
    
    If you're not gigging, I guess it could be an issue, but even if you're 
    making dirt for money (say $30 a gig) if you gig once a week, that's
    over $1500 a year coming in.  Good excuse to play GB 8^)  8^)...I like
    to think of my Steinberger and current amp as "the rig the weddings
    bought". Literally...I sprung for the amp after I did six (lucrative)
    weddings in the course of a month.
    
    On the female aspect:
    
    My wife really doesn't care because she knows me too well.  I'm not
    interested in extramarital sex, thank you veddy much.  She's more
    worried that I'm going to end up in the morgue after doing a James Dean
    on the way home at 3 AM.
    
    						Brian  

        Helps to have a bass-playing wife...
        
        She talked  me into the Vibroverb - I talked her into the Trace
        Elliot ;*)
        
        Andy
        

    
    
      Hmmmmm, just last night while Deb was on the sofa, 
    me in the chair, I reached for the 12 string to provide
    background music to "Back To The Future III".
    
      She got up and went upstairs to watch it without saying 
    a word.  It would seem my guitars are bothering her. (Or 
    maybe it's me.) 
    
      This does not look good.  
       
    
      Ricky-Ray Noiseasarus

	Both of us have jobs. We've agreed that I get 4% of my gross
	and she gets 4% of hers. She makes more than me so this is
	what she'd call "fair". I spend some amount of my 4% buying
	things for her pottery practice. She spends a fair amount of
	her 4% buying me guitars and gadgets.

	As for the distractions.... wives know how to keep your eyes
	from wandering. Be good to your wife and she'll be good to
	you.

    RE: .5
    
    .5 describes the exact arrangement I/we have at home; especially the
    last paragraph.  Works great!
    
    

    
    
    I've danced to this tune my share, too.
    
    All of the $$ I make from band gigs goes into the general fund.  I
    might keep enough money out for strings and stuff, but that's it. 
    
    I do this because when I gig, my wife ends up at home with the kids.
    She's a nurse and works weekend nights.  When I gig, she doesn't work,
    which means that it costs me money to play.
    
    When I buy a toy, it comes out of the general budget.  I don't buy very
    many toys, so it works out allright.
    
    But, every so often there is a disturbance in the force. 8-)  Like last
    week when I bought a *beautiful* Les Paul on a second's notice. 
    There's no two ways about it, I can't keep the guitar.   With the
    threat of layoffs, and my desire to buy a smokin PC, I just can't slide
    the Paul into the budget.   I don't have enough secondary gear to sell
    to offset the Paul.
    
    One good tip to pass on, though.  If you are having any major work done
    to the house, inflate the price by a couple of hundred and stash the $$
    away for toys.  What's another $400 on a bathroom/roof job?
    
    Kevin
    
    
    
    
    
     

    >One good tip to pass on, though.  If you are having any major work done
    >to the house, inflate the price by a couple of hundred and stash the $$
    >away for toys.  What's another $400 on a bathroom/roof job?
    
    Sounds like a risky move to me......get caught lying once and the trust
    factor goes in the dumper; now she'll wonder what other info is
    questionable!  Honesty is alot easier, ya don't have to remember what
    you said!!!
    
    FWIW
    

    I'm not gigging these days, but I put twenty bucks a week into a Toy
    Fund, and that adds up after a while - but then, I'm a low-budget kind
    of guy.  If I'm reasonable I can get the occasional big toy out of
    household money, but then again for Christmas last year I bought my
    drummer wife a new high hat.  And just last month she actually
    suggested that I needed a guitar amp.  Heh, heh.
    
    The best thing I've ever heard of is to write a song for your loved one.
    I haven't done it, but I wish she'd write one for me.  %^)
    
    Other women?  Well, in the words of Paul Newman, "Why go out for a
    hamburger when you've got steak at home?"
    
    Dave

    This is a never-ending battle!! I've tried most of the tactics
    mentioned here (except the inflated home-repair... too risky!!).
    
    . This will save us money in the long run
    .. My back can't take the weight of my Jazz Bass for 5 sets each night
       (this one worked great for getting a Steinberger!!)
    ... I'll only spend what I make from playing (this doesn't work anymore)
    
    Now I'm down to the sorry state of having to sell some of my stuff to 
    buy new stuff. So, I'm now trying to sell my Steinberger in order to
    buy a new Carvin LB75 5-string (this is a *VERY* depressing situation).
    (... If anyone is interested in the Steinberger, see the 4-SALE note!!)
    
    As for the other-women situation... 
    
    As long as I look but don't touch, my wife has no problem with my
    mild flirtations with paying customers of the female persuasion.
    It's a dirty job and a necessary evil, but someone's got to do it!!
    Besides, my wife is a lot more intelligent than I am (no big
    accomplishment there). If/When I got caught, she'd end up owning
    all the toys I've so painstakingly justified over the years...
    
    /Billy_K
    

    I thought we already had a topic like this in here...
    
    Anyway, for myself; My wife knows how important music is to me and how
    fickle I am about my equipment.  She knows this is my only hobby and is
    something I derive both great pleasure and a lot of stress relief from,
    and she graciously allows me some liberties in getting equipment when
    the money's available.
    
    The "gig income" isn't an option for me, since I've never made a red
    cent from playing music and aren't likely to.  I think my wife feels
    that having me around more is worth the loss of potential income there. 
    In any case, I prefer to play original music, and my abilities aren't
    such that I'd do well at giggin for income anyway.
    
    Back when we both worked, it wasn't a big problem to justify most of my
    purchases to her from the main budget, because there was a fairly large
    surplus.  I always discussed the large ticket items with her first and
    justified why I "needed" things.  She seems to appreciate that.
     
    I don't usually buy more then one big item per year, so a lot of times
    that would come from part of the tax return money or something like
    that rather then the regular budget.  
    
    I also try not to deny her what the things she wants.
    
    I've done my part of sacrificing for things I wanted too.  For
    instance, I've driven junky old cars which didn't cost much for the
    last year or so, since having certain equipment was more important to
    me then having a nice car (and the associated payment and insurance
    costs).
    
    Plus we have a deal that if I sell my musical equipment, I can reinvest
    the proceeds into other equipment I want, so I've done a lot of horse
    trading over the years to get the mix of equipment that I wanted.
    
    One thing I've never done is lied to her about where money went or
    bought something and snuck it into the house without telling her or
    anything like that.  In all the years, I only remember buying one thing
    (a nice acoustic guitar which was an incredible deal) without
    discussing it with her first (or making my own fininacial arrangements
    to pay for it).  And that wasn't a big issue, since she likes acoustic
    guitar, knew I'd been wanting one for awhile, and knew I got a really
    great deal on it.
                     
    Greg

    I'm not married yet, but I have an interesting story about a friend
    of mine.  He used to go out and spend thousands of dollars on musical
    equiptment and tell his wife that it was my stuff and he was just
    borrowing it.  This worked pretty well for a while, until she cought
    on and dumped him.  Now he's home alone with tons of equipment.
    He says he's happier this way, but I tend to doubt it.
    
    As for me, I did it the smart way, I spent the last 15 years building my
    collection, so when I get married next year I won't need to be spending
    big bucks on toys.  She's pretty cool about it anyway, I'm sure I'll
    still be adding to the collection anyway as long as the money flow is
    ok.  

    Well, I'll start by saying a) I haven't read most of the replies in
    here (really busy) and b) I am not married so I am incapable of holding
    the proper perspective.
    
    I certainly have known many musicians where this is a big issue, and
    I've had a little experience with it myself with girlfriends.
    
    This is how I look at it.  I think the wives of musicians generally
    have it good.
    
    It seems to be true that "boys must have their toys/hobbies".  With
    some guys it's cars, boats, collectables, etc.  With other guys it's
    sports (unfortunately with me it's "all of the above". ;-)).
    
    But here's the thing: with most of the hobbies that guys have, it's
    either an incredible money sink, or a time sync that draws hubby/daddy
    out of the house.
    
    My music hobby is:
    
    	o Extra income!!!!
    	o Something I mostly do at home (practice, rehearse, write, record)
    	  although, yes, about 6 nights a month I play out. 
    	o It develops me artistically and personally.  It's not like owning
    	  a Maserati or a cabin cruiser does that.  Neither does being
    	  a couch potato sports fan.
    	o It's something I can and do share with the loved ones
    	o It's something the family can appreciate (unlike most "boy toys")
    
    Overall, I think an understanding wife can/should appreciate these
    things.   In any case, you have to be who you are.  I find that most
    players HAVE to play.  There's very little else in this world that
    I "have" to do.   

>    Overall, I think an understanding wife can/should appreciate these
>    things.   In any case, you have to be who you are.  I find that most
>    players HAVE to play.  There's very little else in this world that
>    I "have" to do.   
    
    Very well put, Dave.  I agree.  Unfortunately, there's a lot more
    complexity to relationships then just understanding (things like
    selfishness, insecurity, jealousy, greed, other...)  I guess I'm lucky
    that my wife (generally) understands the major role that music plays in
    my life and accepts that.  She doesn't always understand my fetish with
    changing equipment, but has learned to accept it (over time) and
    doesn't really question it anymore.  Plus, I've slowed down on my
    equipment turnover (maybe not on the acquisition) and generally don't
    get anything I'm not going to keep for awhile anymore.
    
    You also make a good point about the costs and time involved in other
    hobbies.  People don't tend to think about that when they hear the
    amount of money someone invests in their music.
    
    I also think it's interesting how some hobbies are "socially
    acceptable" money sinks and some aren't.  I've known people that sunk
    $10k into buying a boat, and nobody really questions it.  Or the person
    that buys a $30k Corvette (or any other sports car), nobody questions
    it.  Or spending $5000 on woodworking tools, or a $3000 dirt bike. 
    None of these are unusual.  But buddy, if you mention tossing even
    $2-3k on musical equipment, people look at you like you're some sort of
    freak!  
    
    Sure, I could have a nice car (with the accompanying large payments and
    similar costs for insurance), but I choose not to.  Playing and
    recording music are the things I love.  It's nice to drive a fancy car
    (and I've done that in the past), but I no longer feel that need.
    
    And the funny thing is that most cars (and boats, motorcycles, tools,
    etc.) depreciate to the point that they're worth a small fraction of
    the amount of money you've invested in them in a couple of years, even
    if you buy them used.  I buy most of my musical equipment used and can
    still sell most of it for at least what I paid for it!  I've traded a
    lot of equipment around over the past 10 years and have lost very
    little money on it, yet, I've lost thousands of dollars on *every* car
    I've owned!
    
    All in all, I think my investment in my hobby has been fairly
    reasonable, compared to other hobbies I could be involved in.  I've
    known people who were really into sports who spent more every year for
    tickets to see their favorite team(s) play then I spend on musical
    equipment and at the end of the year, they have *nothing* to show for
    it (other then having had a good time).  
    
    Another one that gets me (living in this area) is skiing!  This is a
    fairly expensive hobby, even if you own your own gear and get
    discounted lift tickets, it still costs you $20-$50 a day (especially
    if you start including the costs of lodging, fuel to get there, and
    food).  And I know (and work with) people who go virtually *every*
    weekend during the ski season.  I'm sure some of them spend $2-3k on
    this hobby every year!  At least if I spend money on my stuff, even if
    I buy NEW (which I almost never do), I can still make back around half
    of it or more selling it!  These people have *nothing* left after they
    cough out their loot for lift tickets and stuff!
    
    Greg

    What a bunch of wimps!  I tell my wife what I'm buying!

    Who's replies you been readin, Mikey?

    
    
      My GTS spurts are also on the up and up! No BSin' to the wife.
    I've made some big money in top 40 bands and mangaged to spend at least
    half of what I made on equipment upgrades. (Many times on factory
    closeouts!).
      I'm presently doing more original material and FM rock (classic and 
    current) so even though there's money, it's not the big $ I was doing
    in Chemistry, but I'm happier!
      I've got more than enough to keep me going for quite some time to
    come. Nobody's yet to top the H & K ACCESS for functionality and 
    tone IMHO (as far as preamp/rack gear goes!).
      
    							--B{}{}M}--

    Seriously, I've been completely honest with my wife on my few purchases
    and I can't relate to lot of problems others have.  Fortunately, my
    kids are also involved now so it is easier to purchase things now that
    we will all be using them.
    
    As for the female admirers at gigs, I'm either naive or don't have a
    clue about propositions.  I can honestly say I have never encountered
    that problem.  Of course, not playing in clubs or bars might have 
    something to do with it ;-)
    
    Mike

    
    	Great note!!  But how about that reply where the wife left the
    	room when he picked up his guitar?  Many of us don't have the
    	luxury of a music room - my stuff's in the living room.  I'd
    	say I'd have a tough time listening to someone "jam" several
    	times a week...  I most often solo to backing tracks.  A few
    	months ago, my girlfriend was on the phone with her sister and
    	she said something like "oh, he doesn't play _songs_".  
    
    	But so far, she doesn't mind a bit.  She picks up a book or
    	whatever - but she's the ultimate Sweetheart.  Wonder how she'll
    	be after the 1,000 version of Cause We Ended as Lovers tho...
    
    	Oh yeah - she helps me setup and tear down too.  And I never
    	asked her to help.  Maybe I'll keep her ;^)  
    
    

    I also bought all the *toys* I need before I got married. But, it's
    still hard to hold back when you're in the music store with all the
    up-dated stuff calling out to you---"Buy me, Buy me". so..the best
    thing to do to deal with that temptation is NO MORE MUSIC STORES!!
    Yes..that's right--when the thought enters your mind deal with it then.
    I go thru the same temptations. If your wife doesn't mind about toys
    it's an all together different scenerio.

 Don't knock us skiers ! I ski for mostly the same reasons that I play music.
 It's the only time I get to loose myself, to relax, react, and act as I want.
 I have big fat hairy zero musical talent, but I enjoy just sitting on my own
 twanging away - mostly the noise will reflect my mood ( mostly the noise will
 turn milk :*) . I do them both as a form of stress relief. It's funny, I 
 started both because I thought they were cool things to do, but get far more 
 than "pose value" out of them as I progress. I guess it's kind of a zen thing.
 They're things I don't do for the financial return or for other people. I do 
 them for me.

 However, it may be important to me, but the girlfriend *hates* with a 
 vengeance every single penny I spend on either hobby ( and I didn't get a 
 chance once in the summer to go windsurfing or climbing ). She earns, I 
 earn... I gave up feeling guilty about spending my own dough on what I want 
 when I want ( provided the bills are paid ). I just tell her "I'm gonna buy
 a ______ ". She gives me sh!t for a few weeks, I go buy it, she won't talk 
 to me for a day or two, then I get more $h!t for a week, and it's done. No
 big deal - it's just like PMS extended ;-)

			Nik.

 Whoa ! Did I just write all that ? .... Hea-ea-vvveeeyyyyy ;-) 

    Well last night my girlfriend probably was sleepless until 1:15am
    listening to Buck cutting solos on the Citadel demo instead and
    never complained.
    
    Now that's a great girlfriend!
    
>    You also make a good point about the costs and time involved in other
>    hobbies.  People don't tend to think about that when they hear the
>    amount of money someone invests in their music.
    
    Some of I can understand, but you have to put yourself in the position
    of someone not familiar with music.
    
    Almost anyone can appreciate why a Corvette costs $30K.
    
    But here's a conversation I had recently:
    
    "I'm going to Daddy's to pick up a new piece."
    
    "What is it?"
    
    "It's a digital reverb."
    
    "What does it do".
    
    "It puts a sorta echo sound in, like you were in a big echoey room."
    
    "How much is it."
    
    "It's one of the less expensive ones, it's around $350."
    
    "$350 to do that!  And that's one of the 'less expensive ones'!!!"
    
    I mean, I can't blame anyone for being surprised the $350 is cheap
    for a little box that does nothing other than making a little echo.
    
    	db

    
    
    
       Yeah, Deb left the room when I thought it was time to help set the
    right mood during the show/CitCom/movie and help out the background
    muz-ack.  Later said, when you play, I cannot hear the tv.  (Turn up
    the tv baby.)
    
       But last night, during the movie, Willow, I grabbed the electric,
    (instead of the 12-string) and played along.  Didn't mind at all, or so
    it seemed.   I thought it was a hoot.  
    
       It also made me think about something I said a couple of months ago.
    Some of my guitars hate me, others love me.   For months it was the 12
    that loved me. Pick up anything else and life went sour straight away.
    Now, I can only play the SG, everything else sounds and feels like
    puppy ca-ca.   Ewwwwe.    The Guild won't even talk to me anymore.
    That's alright, she was getting bitchy anyway - the Guild that is.
    
       Now if I can only get Deb to play with, ahhh, oh yeah, the synth.
    
    
       Rick. 
    
    

    RE: db
    
    She must have had E Mixo nightmares all night long!
    8^)

    I agree with Andy in reply .3.    I was asked if I would like to play
    BASS. This put an end to having to find and work with strangers and
    practice is great, after all, we do live in the same house! Whenever
    the mood strikes, we just pick up the guitars and/or bass  and start
    working on numbers until the cows come home. Nick taught our 10 year
    old how to play drums and I've shown him a little on keyboard. It's
    really cool! As for buying new toys, Nick has a weird attitude, he
    likes to buy in VOLUME, but we both appreciate the old vintage stuff
    and would probably spend obscene amounts of money if only we could find
    a good old Precision Bass...   If he can justify why we need it - we
    have not problem, sometimes I'll come home with a new toy too, either
    for him, me or for both of us. Blew his mind when I purchased an entire
    brandy new drum set. (purple of course!) and left it in the living room
    for him to discover. !  
    
    As for the woman in the audiences..... lets just say, we usually know
    how to handle it. If one of them struts over to him during break and
    starts her number, she gets referred to me. I do the same thing with
    the guys. If either one of us encounters and ex- we immediately
    introduce them as such so that we have the upper handle, not the ex-.
    Whenever something is hidden,  it gives the outsider a chance. 
    
    Oh and guys...  if you can possibly find a way to share your music with
    your wife, let me tell you, the flirting that can happen on stage and
    off with her is really incredible. And that can lead to unbelievable
    ahhhh, energy!!!   Crowds seem to like to see couples on stage too.
    
    I could go on forever here but the bottom line is this, if you can find
    a way to get her involved, do it. You'll really enjoy the benefits!
    
    BTW - this may cause some flares, I'll risk it though. I never could
    date anyone I couldn't share my love of music and dance with.. It just
    never worked right...  
    
    -Marjie

	Since I've been married for 10 years, I feel qualified to 
    add my 2c into this discussion. 

	I like buying equipment, and nights out playing music with 
    my friends. She likes a nice home and spending quality time with 
    our children. It's taken us the last 10 years to understand each
    other's priorities and find a way to balance the two. 

	I've tried all of the tricks (read: scams) as far as sneaking
    new gear into the house, down-playing the cost of certain items, 
    etc. One good reason to get into rack-mount gear is because your
    S.O. can't figure out what any of the gear is, or what it does.
    Buy a big rack, cover all un-used spaces with rack panels. She'll
    never even realize when a new rack toy is added ;^{)

	The bottom line as far as money goes is that the bills come
    first. I generally try to save a couple bucks a week, and make
    1 or 2 major purchases per year if the money allows. I have also
    sold many items to raise money for new purchases. 

	During the last three years, we converted our damp old cellar
    into a nicely finished basement with family room, bathroom, laundy
    room, workshop, and studio. The studio was the lowest priority
    because it only benefits me. It's taken over three years, but I
    now have a really nice place to keep my gear set up so I can use it.
    Last spring I was hell-bent on finishing the studio, so I worked
    late hours, and spent the money necessary to put in a cieling, 
    lighting, carpeting, etc. 

	The first Christmas my wife and I spent together was in 1991.
    That year, my wife bought me a used Telecaster that she knew I had
    my eye on. I still have this guitar and will never sell it. My wife
    and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary this past August, and my
    wife decided it was time to buy me another guitar. So she gave me 
    some money and I used it to buy a Guild 12 string acoustic.

	After 10 years my wife has become a little more tolerant.
    She doesn't question me too closely on what I'm buying or how much 
    I'm spending. I have learned not to push my luck too far. When I
    first got married, I owned 4 guitars, an amp, and a couple of efx.
    I now own 10 instruments, a PA system, a guitar rack, recording gear,  
    and a small studio to hang out in. I'd have to say married life hasn't
    stopped me from pursuing my interests at all.
	
	Mark		
    

	>Since I've been married for 10 years, I feel qualified to 
    	>add my 2c into this discussion. 
	>The first Christmas my wife and I spent together was in 1991.
    
    Hmm, something funny here....8^)  8^)  8^)
    
    						Brian

    re: Mike

>    As for the female admirers at gigs, I'm either naive or don't have a
>    clue about propositions.  I can honestly say I have never encountered
>    that problem.  Of course, not playing in clubs or bars might have 
>    something to do with it ;-)
    
    Yeah, I'll have to chime in here and agree.  I've never encountered
    females who expressed interest in me 'cause I was playing either
    (actually I've rarely encountered females who expressed interest in me
    period).  Maybe I'm also naive or clueless (or ugly)...
    
    But I too have never played bars, just parties and such, so maybe
    that's a different scene.
                             
    re: Nik
    
 >Don't knock us skiers ! I ski for mostly the same reasons that I play music.
 >It's the only time I get to loose myself, to relax, react, and act as I want.
    
    I didn't mean to imply that skiing or any of those other comparitively
    expensive hobbies (cars, boats, cycles, etc.) were bad, just that the
    money I spend on music is really not as unreasonable as it might seem
    on the surface.  There are plenty of other hobbies that can be just as
    time consuming and cost even more.  
    
    Part of my point is that my investments in music equipment leave me
    with capitol, items which retain their value.  That's not the case with
    a lot of other hobbies (which might cost as much or more).  That's part
    of the way I justify my expendatures to my spouse.
    
> I have big fat hairy zero musical talent, but I enjoy just sitting on my own
> twanging away - mostly the noise will reflect my mood ( mostly the noise will
> turn milk :*) . 
    
    You and me both, buddy!  8^)  I don't play music 'cause I'm *good* at
    it, I play it 'cause I love it and I have to.

    re: db
    
>    Well last night my girlfriend probably was sleepless until 1:15am
>    listening to Buck cutting solos on the Citadel demo instead and
>    never complained.
    
    Gee, and I thought Buck got everything on the first take...
    ;^)
       
>        Now that's a great girlfriend!
    
    Yeah it is.  It takes a special kind of person to understand and
    tolerate the rigors associated with recording, the having to listen to
    the same song a myriad of times until some tiny little thing is "just
    right".  My wife is also very understanding in this dept.  She almost
    never complains about my recording sessions, even when they run late
    into the night and are loud.  (Fortunately for me, the baby also enjoys
    the music and will sleep despite it.)

>    Some of I can understand, but you have to put yourself in the position
>    of someone not familiar with music.
>    
>    Almost anyone can appreciate why a Corvette costs $30K.
    
    I don't think most people really can, but they can understand going to
    a dealer and seeing the price tag on the thing.  Music gear (esp
    recording gear) is often little "black boxes" and most people can't
    tell a junky box from a great box.
                                      
>    But here's a conversation I had recently:
>     "I'm going to Daddy's to pick up a new piece."
>     "What is it?"
>     "It's a digital reverb."
>    "What does it do".
>    "It puts a sorta echo sound in, like you were in a big echoey room."
>    "How much is it."
>    "It's one of the less expensive ones, it's around $350."
>    "$350 to do that!  And that's one of the 'less expensive ones'!!!"
>    
>    I mean, I can't blame anyone for being surprised the $350 is cheap
>    for a little box that does nothing other than making a little echo.
 
    Perhaps part of the flaw in you logic was making the explanation of
    what it does overly basic.  If you say "it puts an echo-ey sound" on
    something", yeah, then it's hard to understand the complexity involved
    (and the pricetag).  But if you say something like "it simulates the
    sound reactions of a lot of different types of rooms, so that I can
    run my recorded sounds through it to make them sound more realistic"
    then you imply that there's more to the technology.  A demonstration is
    sometimes helpful too.
    
    Of course, then there's the technique of discussing equipment for hours
    and hows, what it does and how it works and what you'd use it for,
    until she's so completely bored with hearing me babble about it that
    she says "Just go buy the thing and shut up about it"...  :-)
    
    Greg
                                                                 

    I stick with the honest approach.  My two hobbies (music and astronomy)
    both involve toy investments, but don't require much in terms of
    on-going costs, and my wife realizes that.  She sometimes jokes about
    why anyone would *NEED* a dozen guitars (actually I think I'm down to
    only 10), but her usually attitude is if it makes me happy (and we can
    afford it), go for it.  She even wrote out the check for my HD-28.
    
    
    Jim

    
    
    Having advocated for a little deceit, I should say that in my
    particular case, it's no big deal.  If my wife were to discover my
    ploy, she'd say something like "Ohh, you snake!" and tease me for a
    while.  I've never done anything that would actually anger her.
    
    Kevin
     
     

    Having written .0 somewhat tongue-in-cheek, yes, I did sneak
    a LP Custom into the apartment when we were first married.
    But she's mellowed out a lot since then, and has told me
    repeatedly that I 'deserve' nice guitars. Only problem
    is we're a 1-income family now and the biils have to get
    paid first. Someday she'll buy me an HD-28 or a Taylor
    if I ask for it. 
    
    - Dave

    In my experience with hobbies VS relationships, I've found the the
    major source of any *issues* is the amount of time spent on the hobbie
    in a singular fashion (assuming the money spent is
    reasonable/affordable).  My music hobby very frequently involves my
    wife in some way and she supports/enjoys it.  My off road motorcycling
    hobbie takes me completely away from the family, and consequently I keep 
    tabs on my riding urges.
    
    Steve

    How about husband vs.guitar.....
    

Since I'm a one income family of 6 my paycheck is pretty much devoted to  making
ends meet. So I solved my problem by taking a second job teaching at a local
college to cover my GTS habits.

Since the 2nd job is mine, the income is mine (unless there is a family financial
crisis) and I determine how to spend it.

dbii

>    How about husband vs.guitar.....
    
    Yes, how about it?  We husbands/boyfriends have been baring our souls
    (and our secrets) here... how about a woman's viewpoint?
    
    Dave

>    I stick with the honest approach.  My two hobbies (music and astronomy)

    re: Mike
    
    But...I said all along that I also used the honest approach...
    
    re: dbII
    
> So I solved my problem by taking a second job teaching at a local
>college to cover my GTS habits.
    
    I've considered doing something like this a few times, but my wife
    balks at anything that keeps me away from home, including second jobs,
    so that was nixed in the bud.  I guess if I found something I could do
    to raise money from home, then it wouldn't be a problem, but I haven't
    found anything like that yet.
    
    Greg

My wife of twenty four years has been pretty reasonable about music spending.
We both came from, how you say?, financially challenged families so neither of 
us has ever been extravagant, but when she senses that I would really get a 
lot of satisfaction out of a new instrument, she always encourages me to
go for it.  It helps that she is also a musician (though not nearly as rabid 
and depraved as I am. :^) )

I've made a lot more money as a musician than I've spent on toys but it was 
during times when we needed the income to stay afloat, so we never thought 
of it as being earmarked for toys.  If I start producing music income again
it's gonna be earmarked this time.

Bob

>    But...I said all along that I also used the honest approach...
    
    Gregster, I was talking about music and astronomy.

>    Gregster, I was talking about music and astronomy.
    
    Oh, duh...I unnerstand.
    
                                                       

    
    
    I've found, in the past, that the best way to get new toys AND keep my 
    wife content, was to gig as often as possible. However, now that 
    we're a one-income family, my wife takes all my gig money for house 
    expenses. She takes whatever money I have left by Sunday morning and
    goes shopping with the kids. The trade-off is that I get to rock out
    every weekend, party more than is probably good for me and sleep late
    every saturday and sunday. I can still justify the occasional new toys
    as a business expense and write it off on my taxes. I know it's a
    bit of a compromise, but it worked out for us over the years...
    
    Unfortunately, since I've moved to the wilds of Colorado, I've found
    that it's tough to get enough gigs to to work every weekend...
    
    				     ...( but we're getting there, right Bob!!)
    
    
    
    /Billy_K

    Well, due to technical difficulties (she didn't want to buy me the
    wrong item), my wife had to spoil my Christmas surprise and tell me
    what she was buying me.  She's getting me my first acoustic/electric
    guitar!!!!  I had to provide some detail (brand, model, color), so she
    was unable to shock me on Christmas morning.  I'm psyched!
    
    What a woman!!  I hope she keeps me!
    
    
    Steve (happy happy joy joy...my strat and LP have a new friend)

    
    >>Someday she'll buy me an HD-28 or a Taylor if I ask for it.
    
    Gee, *my* wife bought me a banjo as a wedding gift!!!! :^)
    
    Dave

>    Gee, *my* wife bought me a banjo as a wedding gift!!!! :^)
    
    Gee, Dave, you sure she still likes you?  %^)
    
    Dave

    Part of the problem this paradyme sets up is One thing
    Vs. Another.
    
    There's no contest.  What the needs of the family are, out
    weigh everything else.  With out Wife, life would not be
    the same.  Without guitar, life simply wouldn't be as
    much fun.  
    
    Two kids heading for high school, a mortgage, and both of us
    working to keep our heads above water, (plus me under an omonous
    cloud at Dec) the toy (Big) buying days are in the past.
    
    Then again, this coming from a guy who has a PA system,
    amp, three electrics (one a midi with controller) and
    a Yari, add the assorted stomp boxes, rack mounts and
    what have yous... (all purchased from Gigging days) what
    else is there that one could really need.
    
    But as always, when something's required, be it toy or
    necessity, it's worked out.
    
    Time away from the house was worse on my family than the potential
    threat of infedility, which neva happened in 20 years of playing
    anyway.  (Again, no contest..)
    
    
    

>>    Gee, *my* wife bought me a banjo as a wedding gift!!!! :^)
>    
>    Gee, Dave, you sure she still likes you?  %^)
    
    HAHAAhahhaahaaaaw!!!  I'm rolling!
    
    Greg

>>    Gee, *my* wife bought me a banjo as a wedding gift!!!! :^)


Who is it that said:

	"A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo but doesn't."

>Who is it that said:
>
>	"A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo but doesn't."
    
    Mark Twain?  Charlie Bennett?  Lester Flatt?

    re .43
    
    HA! *YOUR* wife wasn't too pleased when we fixed your Kitty
    Hawk!
    
    - Dave (who generally refrains from playing 'plugged' when
      the wife is around)

    Yeah, my wife doesn't like rock much either.

	My wife was flying the flannel when we met and has not changed
	much. Her favorite guitar sound?

		CRUNCHACRUNCHACRUNCHACRUNCHA

	With this I am well pleased.

    
    
    
       I just gotta ask....
    
       Flying the flannel?   Wuzzat?  
    
                                      
    

    Me too - wuzzat?
    
    My wife starts most every day with a little Stevie Ray.  Whattawoman!
    But what effect will this have on the child?
    
    Dave

    
    I should know better than to claim banjo ownership in this conference
    ;^)
    
    Dave

    Sorry, Dave, it's just that we bass players need someone to pick on
    once in awhile.
    
    Dave

    
    Gee,  I like banjos.  But I started out as a drummer, so I'm sure that
    must make my opinion somewhat suspect...
    
    Jim ;^)

    
    
    	Hi....er.....My name is Fred and I'm a Guitaraholic   8^)
    
    
    FJE

    I'm sure I speak for everyone in the universe when I say that we all
    like banjos, too.  But this is hardly the place to admit *that*.
    
    Earl Scruggs

    
    
>    Gee,  I like banjos.  But I started out as a drummer, so I'm sure that
>    must make my opinion somewhat suspect...
    
    You like a drum on a stick?
    

    My wife loves me playing the banjo,or guitar.Hates solo fiddle.
    
    I was once dishonest to her about a steel-bodied Dobro I bought for
    peanuts,told her I had it on long term loan.She embarrassed the hell
    out of me in front of a bunch of people when she found out,without
    even raising her voice.I was so humbled,I've never lied since.
    
    	She was with me last year when I spotted a nice wood Dobro,
    encouraged me (!) to try it out,said"Now,that's the sound you're
    looking for," and produced her Amex card !!!!!
    	I was so grateful,I sold the steel one for double the cost of the
    wooden one.Like Bob said a few replies back,my upbringing has never
    encouraged me to be extravagant...I remember my Dad was 45 before he 
    got a Telecaster,the first guitar of that level he had,and he'd been
    playing in bands for over 20 years !!
    
    					Jim.
    

    Well I live alone and have bugger all money to spend on toys.....one of
    life quirks of fates I guess!I used to live with a woman who moaned
    like hell if I even talked about another guitar but it was ok for her
    to have 3 cameras!
    
                                                   staynz
    
    
    re-1.........I liked your old Dobro Jim,it was very cool!

	... normally you tie your flannel shirt around your waist by its
	sleeves. Then get into the pit and slam around. Remember to wear
	study shoes and keep that hair cut *short*....

    Er... get into the pit?

    Re: last few
    
    Wrestling, my boy, wrestling....
    
    						Captain Lou

>    Wrestling, my boy, wrestling....
    
    Wow, and I thought being married to a drummer was different!
    
    Hulk Hickernell

    My only banjo joke:
    
    A sentence never heard/spoke by anyone: 
    "Hey, is that the banjo players farrarri?"
    
    

	The Pit - "orchestra pit" - area directly in front of the stage

	Slam - a type of rough, aggressive dance in which participants
		experience close physical contact; some become airborne

	The Uniform - tank top, flannel shirt, blue jeans,
		combat boots, crew cut (M)/ radical shave-out (F)


	Bands - "Hardcore"

		GBH
		FU's/Straw Dogs
		Stiff Little Fingers
		Black Flag/ Rollins Band
		Jerry's Kids
		Dead Kennedys
		Suicidal Tendencies
		Jody Foster's Army
		7 Seconds
		Misfits/Samhain
		The Dickies
		Fugazi
		*BAD BRAINS*
		UK Subs.....

	I Guess I'm Showing My Age ;-). One might argue that it's this music
	that gave Rock the kick in the @ss it needed to support later bands
	like G'n'R, Faith No More, Living Color, etc.

    Heard at a Joel Mabus outing last weekend:
    
    How can you tell if the stage is level at a bluegrass concert?
    The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
    
    What's the difference between jumping on a banjo and jumping on a
    trampoline?
    You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
    
    Banjo player revenge jokes ---
    
    What's the difference between a hammered dulcimer and a mountain
    dulcimer?
    The hammered dulcimer usually burns longer.
    
    What's the difference between a Harley and an autoharp?
    You can tune a Harley.
    
    How many folkies does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Doesn't matter how many... just as long as everyone gets a turn.
    
    These jokes are adaptable to other instruments as well.
    Have fun and happy holidays,
    \Gary

    How many banjo players does it take the change a light bulb?

    Three, one to change the bulb and two to argue
    about what year it was made.

    Rick

    re: .69 (!)
    
    I heard it was one to change the bulb and three to complain that it's 
    electric.
    
    Dave

    If anyone's interested in a *huge* collection of banjo/guitar jokes,
    let me know.  I pulled a mess of 'em off the Usenet.  I can either
    post it here or mail it to you.
    
    	Sandy
    

    
    
                                Post 'em!
    
    

Article 5673 of rec.music.folk
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From: dreich@sdcc13.ucsd.edu (Darrell Reich)
Newsgroups: rec.music.folk,rec.humor
Subject: The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes [115+]
Keywords: by request even more dumb banjo jokes
Message-ID: <30912@sdcc12.ucsd.edu>
Date: 24 Mar 92 05:37:35 GMT
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	There back! New & Improved for Spring Break '92...enjoy

		Darrell the banjo player with all the dumb jokes
		ucsd cognitive science class of '92
		aka dreich@ucsd.edu

  I like to think of this collection as my life's work but most
  people just tell me to "get a real job!"

  ah, San Diego in the Spring the banjo players are out in force
  playing fast and telling jokes...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes [834 lines; 30,729 characters]

preface

  Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo Jokes. 
Much talked about, but never revealed; until now. 

  This presentation is the result of the tireless efforts of an 
international network of operatives who combed the earth (and 
beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make sure that this 
time we had the real thing: the definitive list of banjo jokes. 
Some withstood torture--and some paid the ultimate price: death. So 
important was our work that we persevered in spite of the obstacles.

  Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution. 
Banjo jokes are jokes about banjo players, their music, their 
instrument, environmentalism, animal rights, human sacrifice, and 
interplanetary grave robbing. These jokes has never been told 
in their entirety because they are dangerously funny: no one has ever 
lived to retell them in their entirety. We have taken great 
precautions to safeguard our health while compiling this list: each 
operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of 
the jokes (one not to large as to overcome the individual with so 
much mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.) As I 
typed these jokes, I was blindfolded: part of the jokes were related 
in various, and obscure languages and dialects, other parts 
written, and still other parts transmitted in braille or Morse code.

   Therefore, I caution you to do the following:

1. Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes 
   if you have a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure.

2. Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If 
   you find yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness,
   stop immediately.

3. If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours 
   these jokes may cause serious health complications.

4. (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.

5. Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual 
   intercourse while reading these jokes.

6. If you have any questions, please consult a physician before 
   attempting to read these jokes.

  Are you sure you want to read these jokes?

  Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up?

  Is it really worth the risks?

  This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to the 
Complete list of 101 Banjokes. These jokes will change 
(or end) your life. I cannot give you any guarantees as to how these 
jokes will affect you; it all depends upon your physical and 
psychological state (which I cannot know.)

  Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the Canonical List 
of Banjo Jokes?

  This is you last chance!! I mean it! Stop now before it's too late!

  God help you and may the force be with you...


Disclaimer:	This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, 
		places, and incidents are either the product of the
		author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any
		resemblance to actual events or locals or persons,
		living or dead, is entirely coincidental.


  Dedicated to the time and place that is the unique lifestyle of the 
  banjo player of the '90s in Southern California and the excitement
  and freedom that it brings us--it's cheaper than therapy.



What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...

Chain Saw:
(1.)	a chain saw has a dynamic range.
(2.)	you can turn a chain saw off.
(3.)	South American Macaw: one is loud, 
	obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
(4.)	Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can 
	tune a Harley.
(5.)	Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
(6.)	Trampoline: you take your shoes off to 
	jump on a trampoline.
(7.)	Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times.
	How many banjo players does it take to screw 
	in a light bulb?
	Five; one to screw it in and four to
(8.)	complain that it's electric.
(9.)	lament about how much they miss 
	the old one.
(10.)	complain that Earl wouldn't have done 
	it thataway.
(11.)	argue about what year it was made.
(12.)	argue about how much it costs.
(13.)	ask what tuning she's using.
(14.)	stand around and watch.
(15.)	10: one to do it & the other 9 to stand 
	around & say, "I could have done it better."
(16.)	none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(17.)	All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
(18.)	Six: One to change it and five to keep the 
	banjo players from hogging the light.
(19.)	How many light bulb joke tellers does it take 
	to change a light bulb? 100: One to change it 
	& 99 to make stupid jokes about it...
(20.)	What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? drool...
(21.)	How can you tell if the stage is level? If the 
	banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
(22.)	Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
	it saves time in the long run.
(23.)	What's the difference between a skunk run 
	over on the road and a banjo player run over 
	on the road? You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
(24.)	What's the difference between a run over 
	skunk and a run over banjo player? The skunk was on it's way to a gig.
(25.)	How many banjo players does it take to eat 
	an opossum? two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars.
(26.)	How can you tell the difference between all 
	the banjo songs? by their names...
(27.)	What is the definition of perfect pitch? 
	Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
(28.)	What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? a visitor.

	What are flaming guitars good for?
(29.)	Lighting banjos on fire.
(30.)	Kindling.
(31.)	Why are banjos better than guitars?
		they burn longer.
(32.)	What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
		a flame-thrower.
(33.)	What's the difference between a fiddle and a 
	violin? Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo!
(34.)	What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
		Solitaire.
(35.)	What do you call a guy that hangs around a 
	bunch of musicians? banjo player / joke teller.
(36.)	How can you tell if there's a banjo player at 
	your door?

	o They can't find the key
	o the knocking speeds up
	o and they don't know when to come in.

(37.)	Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die 
	with their boots on? So they won't stub their 
	toes when they kick the bucket.
(38.)	You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs 
	Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. 
	Who do you ask for directions? You might as 
	well try the cactus, the other two are 
	figments of your imagination.
(39.)	Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo 
	player, and an old drunk are walking down 
	the street together when they 
	simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. 
	Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the 
	other three are mythological creatures.
(40.)	What is the banjo picker's favorite whine? 
	Play Dueling Banjos...
(41.)	Why are all those banjo jokes so darned 
	simple? That's so bass players can understand them too.
(42.)	Where do banjo players play best?	In traffic.
(43.)	in a galaxy far, far away...
(44.)	How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?...
(45.)	What is the most important aspect of banjo joke telling?...timing...
(46.)	How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a 
	javelin blindfolded? you don't have to be very 
	good to get people's attention.
(47.)	What do you say to the banjo player in the 3 
	piece suit? will the defendant please rise.

What do you get when you throw a banjo and an 
  accordion off the Empire State Building?

(48.)	Who Cares...
(49.)	Applause.
(50.)	What do you call twenty-five banjos up to 
	their necks in sand? not enough sand.
(51.)	What do you call one-hundred banjos at the 
	bottom of the ocean? a good start.
(52.)	What will you never say about a banjo 
	player? that's the banjo player's Porsche.
(53.)	How can you get a banjo player's eyes to 
	sparkle? shine a light in his ears...
(54.)	You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna 
	fish? by adjusting it's scales...
(55.)	Why do so many fishermen own banjos? 
	They make great anchors!
(56.)	Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? 
	They make good paddles.
(57.)	Why did the banjo player leave his capo on 
	the dashboard? so he could park in the handicap zone.
(58.)	Why did the banjo player cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
(59.)	What is the difference between a banjo 
	player and a prune? Their color of course!
(60.)	How can you tell a herd of banjo players from 
	a bunch of grapes? Jump up and down on 
	them...If you get wine, you've got grapes!
(61.)	I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked 
	the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to 
	play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery 
	on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
(62.)	"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the 
	banjo after the operation?"
	"yes, of course..."
	"Great! I never could before..."
(63.)	What's the best / fastest way to tune a banjo? with wirecutters.
(64.)	Which one of the following does not belong: 

	Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?

	Measles--You can get rid of the Measles.

(65.)	What should you do if you run over a banjo?
		back up...
(66.)	When do banjo songs sound the best?
		when they're over.
(67.)	Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players? 
	Because they can't pick on their fiddles.
(68.)	Why does everyone pick on banjo players? 
	Because it's so easy!!!
(69.)	Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo 
	players...naaaaaah.
(70.)	There's not much between you and a fool is there? Just a banjo...
(71.)	Does this kinder, gentler era have room for 
	another generation of obnoxious banjo 
	pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast?
(72.)	Listener:	Can you read music?
	Banjo player:	not enough to hurt my playing.
(73.)	A man walked into a bar with his alligator 
	and asked the bartender, "Do you serve 
	banjo players here?"
	"Sure do," replied the bartender.
	"Good," said the man.
	"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."
(74.)	A banjo player walked into a bar...another 
	banjo player walked into the bar...you'd 
	think the second banjo player would have 
	seen what happened to the first banjo player 
	and ducked! [under the bar.]

(75.)	The Pope and a banjo player find themselves 
together before the Pearly Gates. After a small 
quantum of time which was spent discussing their 
respective professions, ol' Saint Peter shows up to 
usher them to their new Heavenly station. After 
passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, St. Pete 
decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a 
brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down 
on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge 
palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. 
This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will 
be spending eternity, (at least until the end of 
time...) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If 
he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to 
see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as 
Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear 
more and more mundane until they finally land on a 
street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates 
the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new 
domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his 
best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, 
cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put 
that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate 
home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up 
with this dive?"

	Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: 
"Look here old fellow, this street is practically 
encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times 
and religions. We're putting you here with them so 
you guys can get your dogma together. That other 
guy gets an estate, because he's the first 
(non-)damned banjo player to make it up here!!"

(76.)	Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel 
at home, promised to spend some quality time with 
each one. He asked his first arrival of the day, "Hi! 
What's your IQ?" 

"150," he said.

"Great," said Peter, as he showed the man in, "we 
should get together tomorrow and discuss the 
theory of relativity for a while." He asked the next 
person, "What's your IQ?"

"120," she said.

"Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time 
with you Wednesday to discuss current world 
politics." To the third person, he asked, "What's 
your IQ?"

"42," drawled the fellow.

"Fantastic!" cried Peter, "I've been looking for 
years for somebody who could help me perform a 
banjo duet!"

(77.)	A banjo player goes to his class reunion and 
meets up with the smartest kid in his class, "Hi, 
how are you doing? What have you been up to?" he 
says. "I'm doing experimental brain research at the 
Salk Institute," replies the smart kid. Then, our hero 
sees another classmate of his, who never was very 
smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How 
are you doing? I've been meaning to ask you, What 
type of picks do you use? Heard any good banjo 
jokes lately..."

(78.)	Strummin on his ole....

  An old man was on his death bed and called his 
whole family together so that he could bid them 
farewell and make his peace with the world. After he 
said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he 
was coming very close to death he called for all to 
gather together.

  "I have one thing I would like to confess before I 
go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," 
cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they 
leaned down as close as they could to hear what he 
could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, 
"I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the 
kitchen with Dinah..."

(79.)	A man went to a brain store to get some 
brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the 
quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. 
So he asks the butcher: "How much for fiddle player brain?"

	"2 dollars an ounce."
	"How much for mandolin player brain?"
	"3 dollars an ounce."
	"How much for guitar player brain?"
	"4 dollars an ounce."
	"How much for banjo player brain?"
	"100 dollars an ounce."
	"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"
	"Do you know how many banjo players you 
	need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

(80.)	At a convention of biological scientists one 
researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that 
in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo 
players for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that banjo 
players are far more plentiful, second, the lab 
assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly 
there are some things even a rat won't do. 
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our 
test results to human beings."

(81.)	For three years, the young banjo player had 
been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. 
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the 
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting 
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of 
the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with 
an infant on her lap!

	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned 
you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed 
up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby 
would have my name!"

	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out 
about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and 
talkin' and decided it would be better to have a 
bastard in the family than a banjo player."

(82.)	Banjo players spend half their lives tuning 
	and the other half playing out of tune.
(83.)	Banjo pickers: we tune because we care...
(84.)	I bought mine tuned.
(85.)	Banjo players play requests by multiple 
	choice not fill in the blank.
(86.)	"You can pick your banjo and you can pick 
	your nose but you can't wipe your banjo 
	on your pants."
(87.)	"Anyone can play one of them things--all 
	you need is three fingers and a plastic head"
(88.)	The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the 
	thirteenth floor on a building--you don't 
	really need one.
(89.)	Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they 
	think they have to keep playing or 
	they'll sink...
(90.)	"Banjos are to music as Spam is to food..."
(91.)	"He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo--
	his brain is disconnected..."
(92.)	Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! 
	Less Picking! Sounds Great!
(93.)	Second verse same as the first
	A little bit faster and a little bit worse

(94.) Banjo rap

		Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams

	How bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
	Same damn song for three or four times

	Them banjo pickers all they know
	Is Cumberland Gap and doe see doe

	Them banjo pickers talking bout strings
	Banjo pegs and other such things

	Them banjo pickers them poker faced mugs
	They never do smile they just play Scruggs

	You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
	Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it

(95.)	The banjo is such a happy instrument--you 
	can't play a sad song on the banjo it always 
	comes out so cheerful...
(96.)	If you practice, tune, make a sound check, 
	and sit down to play it's folk music otherwise it's bluegrass.
(97.)	Some people call it Cripple Creek--but they're wrong!
(98.)	I used to play on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it!
(99.)	After you've played the banjo long enough 
	people will pay you to play; however, your 
	neighbors will pay you to stop.

(100.)	you can either laugh a little faster or I can 
	tell the jokes a little slower...

(101.)	"The only thing worse than telling banjo jokes is laughing at them!"

(102.)	How many strings does a banjo have?	
	five too many...

(103.)	Why do they bury banjo players 20 ft deep?
	because they really are good people deep down...

(104.)	"frets are like speed bumps on a banjo..."
(105.)	No matter how much you tune it--it will still sound like a banjo!

(106.)	What's the difference between a banjo player 
	and a locksmith? a locksmith gets paid to change keys.

(107.)	Have you hugged your banjo today?
(108.)	How do you get two banjo players to play in unison? shoot one.
(109.)	Why do banjo players perfer picking rather 
	than strumming? it's easier to transfer a skill than 
	learn a new one.
(110.)	A few years ago a lost group of banjo players 
	was discovered on a remote island in the Pacific. 
	When asked how they survived for so long, they 
	answered, "from the supplies dropped by the helicopters..."

(111.)	"Banjos! We don't need no stinkin' banjos!"
(112.)	How do you make a banjo player slow down? 
	put some sheet music in front of him.
(113.)	What instrument to banjo players play best?!?

(114.)	What's the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond?
		A savings bond eventually matures.

(115.)	That banjo player is no stranger to these parts...no stranger
	here than anywhere else at least.


		Glossary

banjopourri: [French; banjo + of pourrir, to rot] a 
stew, mixture, medley, miscellany, or anthology of 
banjos. Coined from potpourri.

stealth banjo player: doesn't have a clue as to 
how the song goes--tries to hide behind other musicians.

symbolic bass: got volunteered to play bass in the 
band but doesn't want to break a fingernail.

zombiegrass: picture a banjo picker standing straight 
faced under a large cowboy hat.


Epilogue

  I started collecting banjo jokes in August of 1990 
while preparing for the Julian Banjo, Fiddle, Guitar 
& Mandolin Contest. Summertime is the perfect 
weather for jamming. The New Expression music 
store had their annual camp out to start the summer 
off and by August, I hit every bluegrass club meeting 
in greater San Diego County.

  Then one night it happened, I was invited to a 
jam at a friend's house so I grabbed my banjo and a 
strawberry pie, called another banjo player and 
invited him to join us and was off. Well, there were 
so many banjo players at the jam that night that one 
of the bass players started with the banjo jokes 
(some of which sound a lot like recycled 
lawyer jokes.)

  I tried to forget them and failed so I started 
writing them down but my attempts to regain my 
sanity were in vain. At least with this I can practice 
getting the jokes right or just call them off by 
number. My quest for the perfect banjo joke had 
begun. The consequences of this have far outreached 
any expectations I could have had at the time.

  At every bluegrass club meeting, Julian, and 
New Expression banjo workshop since I have 
eagerly interrogated the other banjo players and 
bluegrassers for new jokes.

  I asked the band at the pizza parlor before they 
went on and they started telling jokes in between 
songs. By then I knew all the answers and my name 
was becoming synonymous with banjo jokes!

  I posted my jokes to the folk music and humor 
news groups of the Usenet electronic computer 
network which is sent around the world via the 
National Science Foundation Internet computer 
network and got a reply from banjo pickers from as 
far away as England and Scotland.

  These jokes go out to the members of the 
Slow-Jam and end up in the North County Bluegrass 
& Folk Music Club newsletter which goes out 
and ends up...this is great I get people mailing me 
banjo jokes from all over the place.

  I sent a copy of my joke collection to the 
Bluegrass Special and the DJ read some on the air 
for anyone who was awake on Sunday night at 11:24 
pm. It was finals week and it really made my day to 
hear my name on the radio.

  People have started to recognize me at 
bluegrass jams around town as "the guy with all the 
dumb banjo jokes."

  #1. Down in the bluegrass crossword puzzle in 
the June 1991 issue of the San Diego Bluegrass 
Club newsletter says "Darrell Reich always has a 
new one. (two words)" [nine letters.] #1. Across is 
"That high lonesome sound...."

  I usually start jamming with the joke of the week 
to warm up. One of the nicest compliments I've 
gotten is when someone told me, "Hey Darrell, I 
thought you just carried that thing [my banjo] 
around and told jokes all day but you're actually 
pretty good!" [at playing the banjo not telling 
jokes.] I had just told all my jokes and then jumped 
in with Whiskey Before Breakfast, the song I picked 
to play at Julian this year.

  The critics [non-banjo players] say, "you would 
have to be a banjo player to enjoy these jokes--I'm 
sure you and the boys are still laughing..." and it's 
true fer sure!

  So, this is it, my 101 banjo jokes, The Canonical 
List, numbered and illustrated complete with 
preface, disclaimer, dedication, glossary, epilogue, 
and appendices, perfect to just stuff in your case so 
you'll never be without a comment on stage or at a 
jam. Even by yourself--you'll always have a 
reason to smile. Enjoy. Keep those cards and letters 
coming! I've got one more year of college before I've 
got to go and get a real job [the banjo player for 
Apple Computers Inc.?!?] If I had to do it all over 
again, I'd make the same mistake....


	Darrell Reich
	9154 Cadley Court
	San Diego California  92129-3348
	********************************

	home phone:	(619) 484-5978
	work phone:	(800) 446-6473
	     pager:	(619) 984-5502
	       fax:	(800) 843-8537
	     email:	dreich@ucsd.edu



Appendix A:	1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo Players

	1.	Any persons with a valid hunting license may harvest 
		banjo players.

	2.	Taking of banjo players with traps or deadfalls is 
		permitted. The use of currency as bait 
		is prohibited.

	3.	Killing of banjo players with a vehicle is prohibited. If 
		accidentally struck, remove dead banjo player to the roadside
		and proceed to the nearest car wash.

	4.	It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest banjo players 
		from snow machine, hay wagon, helicopter, or aircraft.

	5.	It shall be unlawful to shout "JAM", "BLUEGRASS", or 
		"FREE PIZZA" for the purpose of trapping banjo players.

	6.	It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 100 
		meters of Jeep or Ford Dealerships.

	7.	It shall be unlawful to use drugs, cute girls, $100 bills, 
		or banjo PA system sales to attract banjo players.

	8.	It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 200 
		meters of acoustic music stores, bluegrass club meetings,
		parking lot picking sessions, pizza parlours, or Radio
		Shack stores.

	9.	If a banjo player is appointed to a government position of 
		senior responsibility, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap,
		or possess them.

	10.	Stuffed or mounted banjo players must have a state 
		health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and
		hoof-and-mouth disease.

	11.	It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a 
		reporter, drug dealer, female banjo player, pizza delivery
		person, talent scout, girl scout, sheep, illegal provider of
		copyrighted music, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose
		of hunting banjo players.



			Bag Limits

yellow bellied sidewinder	2	reputable banjo players	Extinct
two faced banjo players		1	banjo joke teller	2
back stabbing frailer		1	brown nose picker	1
big nosed singer		3	tab pirate		2


Appendix B:	ten easy steps to better banjo playing...

	  The Doc Stock Banjo Method
	or Any jerk can play the banjo
	      so why not you too?

		by Jim Rosenstock

Lesson 1:	Beat It!

The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play 
too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special
handling, but banjos should not be confused with these.

There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo:

	the hit (abbreviated h in tablature),
	the harder hit (H),
	and the BEAT (B).

Learn these three licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything!

REMEMBER -- Hit 'em again, hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER!

Lesson 2:	Stage Presence

A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create 
the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This
is to be avoided at all costs--you have a reputation to maintain,
after all! While playing on stage, you should:

	(1) slouch,
	(2) drool,
	(3) pick nose,
	(4) bump fiddler,
	(5) cross eyes,
	(6) pour beer on self, and/or
	(7) stare off into space.

The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3:	Tuning your banjo

Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, 
you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There
are three basic ways to tune a banjo:

(1)	With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the 
	clear bell-like tone. 
	Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.

(2)	With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. 
	Continue as with method (1).

(3)	With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.

Lesson 4:	Tunes and Tablature

It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-
time music: the G Tune, the A Tune, the D Tune, and the C Tune. It's an
even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same.

Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by 
musicians to preserve music on paper. 

AVOID ALL TABLATURE--you will get nowhere as a banjo player
		     by imitating musicians.

Lesson 5:	Drugs, FastFret*, pizza, strawberry pie, & Banjo Playing

	Just say, "Why not?" [refer to page 1 and Appendix A]

Lesson 6:	Playing with Musicians

  Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo 
player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians
like to have a banjo player or two around. Even the most mediocre
group of musicians will sound great by contrast when a banjo player
is added. So get in there and start jamming!

Lesson 7:	Banjo Paraphernalia

A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to 
quickly be out of tune in any other key.

A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being 
played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put
all your cool bumper stickers?

A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain 
as to which is responsible for the odor.

Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the 
dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through
the kidneys first.

Lesson 8:	Name That Tune

As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all 
sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in
public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune:

Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike,
Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample,
Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan,
Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9:	Three Myths Dispelled

	Myth Number 1:	It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.
	 	 Fact:	The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for 
			avoiding hard work.

	Myth Number 2:	You can make good money playing the banjo.
		 Fact:	People will frequently pay you much better
			money to stop.

	Myth Number 3:	Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go.
		 Fact:	This is only true if you never go anywhere.

Lesson 10:	The Universal Banjo Tune

	----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H--------
	--h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------
	---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H----
	-----------h-----------h----------h----------------
	------------------------------------------------B--
	h=hit it!	H=hit it harder!	B=beat it!

This article was reprinted from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog,
Julie Mangin, editor. 12 issues for $8.00.
95 East Wayne Avenue, Apartment 312; Silver Spring MD  20901; (301) 495-0082.


Appendix C:	Telling jokes by the numbers...

  A tabloid reporter went to the annual banjo joke teller's 
convention to report on it for her newspaper. Part of the
convention was a joke competition. The first comedian came
out and said, "Number 236." The crowd burst out laughing.

  The next comedian walked on stage and said, "Number 1265." A 
round of laughter gripped the audience. Some of the people around
the reporter even fell out of their chairs. Another one came out
and said, "Number 876." The chuckling lasted for minutes.

  The confused reporter turned to the person seated next to her 
and asked, "I don't get it. Why are they just saying numbers?"

  The guy replied, "Well, we know all the jokes by numbers, so 
all the competitors have to do is give the number."

  The next comedian came out and said, "Number 834." Silence. 
Not even a guffaw...

  The reporter asked, "What happened?"

  "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

  The next comedian came out and said, "Number 1254." The 
audience erupted with raucous laughter. More hysterics than
any of the previous comedians.

  The reporter asked, "What happened?"

  "That was a joke we had never heard before."


			[insert banjo player cartoons here]


"The Grandfather's Clock was too tall for the shelf so they remodeled the den."

    re: .68
    
    "The hammered dulcimer burns longer"
    
    I was rolling when I read this one!  Brought tears to my eyes from
    excessive laughter!
    
    Thanks for posting that, Gary.
    
    Greg

    
    interesting topic...!
    
    My wife is a very good singer and has been in a few bands and knows
    about "boys and their toys".This is both good and bad
    
    the bad is.....she knows what power a half stack has and how its waaaay
    to powerful for a 2 bedroomed cape in Worcester so I've kinda lowered
    what I'm looking for power wise
    
                                   but
    
    the good is....she knows what a good sounding guitar is and that's what
    she bought me for Christmas.A 2nd hand Martin Shenadoah....excellant
    condition,sounds great and plays like a dream!~
    
    
    						ian
    
    ps....I still wouldn't mind a half stack! ;^)
    

    re: 1/2 stack
    
    wanna borrow mine, ian?  it's just collecting dust right now

    
    re-1
    
    nah...I wanted a loud one! 8)
    
    
    
    							ian

    A Martin through a half-stack, that's the ticket!! You can do your
    Jorma Kaukaunen cover.
    
    Mark

    >    nah...I wanted a loud one! 8)

    
    re-2
    
    
    Jorma Kukukabura(what ever his name is)who's he?...excuse my
    ignorance!8)
    
    
    re-1
    
    Yeah tho' I walk in the shadow of evil I will fear no big scarey
    Peavey's cuz I have a Marshall! 8)...(or did have a Marshall until I
    sold it to come here) 8)  Now I'm on the lookout for a new amp and the
    2x10 Marshall 30 watt combo calls.Anyone tried it?
    
    
    						ian

re: .80

>    Jorma Kukukabura(what ever his name is)who's he?...excuse my
>    ignorance!8)
    
    
Well I'm not going to try to spell his surname from memory, but Jorma
was the lead guitar player for Jefferson Airplane and Hot Tuna.

-Hal

    
    re-1
    
    really...?Thanks for the information.You learn something new everyday.
    Was he the first guitar player for Jeff.Air.?
    
    
    						ian
    
    

    
    
    
    That's  "Hot fu#king Tuna"
    
    :-)

re: .82
    
>    really...?Thanks for the information.You learn something new everyday.
>    Was he the first guitar player for Jeff.Air.?
    
As far as I know he was, although I can't say for absolute certain.    
    
-Hal

    The Airplane had two guitarists, Jorma and Paul Kantner.  Although I
    guess Jorma was kind of the "lead guy".
    
    Check out the new release of the original Woodstock movie on video;
    there's new footage of the Airplane and you can check out Jorma's
    um.... 'unique' blues stylings.
    

re: .85

>    The Airplane had two guitarists, Jorma and Paul Kantner.  Although I
>    guess Jorma was kind of the "lead guy".
    
Three, I think.  Wasn't Marty Balin also a guitarist?

-Hal

    Jorma was in deed the Lead guitarist for Jefferson Airplane. He was a 
    founding member of Hot Tuna along with Jack Cassidy and Papa John Creach. 
    Cassidy and Creach were also original members of Airplane. 
    
    When Jorma was playing with Tuna, he used to play a flat-top
    guitar with a soundhole pickup through a GK250ML. He had the
    ML cranked and used to get the most bizarre sound out of this
    rig. Check out his tone on tunes like "Keep On Truckin' Mama"
    and "Jelly Roll". I believe he "discovered" this technique
    in much the same way he discovered his tatoos :^)
    
    Mark

    
    As for the title of this thread... lesse...
    
    wife... guitar... wife... guitar... wife... guitar...
    
    
    
    			GUITAR!!!!!
    
    -b

    I meant to reply when the basenote was written, but I was busy
    undergoing a marital separation, which made me wonder if I had any of
    the answers...now, five years later, I am convinced that .25 had what
    must be the *best* solution: it's not "wives vs. guitars" when it can
    be "wives *and* guitars"!
    
    Case in point: after my separation, I met Betty, we fell in love and
    got married (31 months and 1 day ago!).  At the time, Betty only played
    a bit of keyboards but she loved to sing.  We'd go to a lot of clubs
    where the band knew us; sometimes we'd both get up and perform, but
    other times they'd call only me.  This finally bugged me enough that
    I told Betty: "That's it.  Let's see if we can get you up to speed on
    an instrument so we can be on stage *together*."  After a few false
    starts, I got her going on the electric bass.
    
    That was more than two years ago.  In the time since then:
    
    o - She has bought her *own* bass (a Mosrite Ventures copy) which I re-
        finished and generally souped up with new pickups, bridge and keys.
    
    o - She has progressed from playing just *two* songs to playing a full
        two nights' worth of songs (all head arrangements)
    
    o - We formed our own duo "Durango Mango" playing a mix of country
        music and Jimmy Buffett.  We gig a little, either using a drum
        machine or a live drummer, and we have a lot of fun doing it!
    
    It's great; we practice whenever we want to (we even take the guitars
    to the laundromat!).  I have the pleasure of watching Betty develop
    as a bassist.  And we both go into the music stores and droooool over
    the stuff in there!
    
    Definitely .25 is a BEST-case scenario for me!
    
    						--Eric--
    
    P.S.  BTW, when I bought my Peavey Reactor, I made the down payment by
    swapping an el-cheapo Strat copy; Betty asked me what the balance was,
    pulled out the bankbook and paid it in full.  Whatta woman!!!! ;^)
    

    If you read anything written by the well-known marriage/family
    counselors, they'll tell you that the important thing is to have some
    sort of hobby together so you can spend time together.  Doesn't have to
    be your hobby.  Could be a new hobby.  You could sacrifice your time
    and do something with her that she likes.  The important thing is to do
    something together, spend time together, and talk to each other.  
    
    Mike

    Sounds quite rare.....but cool!

    
    
    my wife kicked in some cash when I bought my Les Paul custom.To date
    she has....
    
    bought me a Martin acoustic
    
    paid for 50% of my Carvin head
    
    paid for a quarter of my Les Paul.
    
    
    
    I can't complain!8)
    
    						ian

>    paid for 50% of my Carvin head
    
    A jack-o-lantern?

    
    Ian...Les Paul....new man brutha!!
    
    Congrats,
    Kev --