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Conference 7.286::digital

Title:	The Digital way of working

Moderator:	QUARK::LIONELON

Created:	Fri Feb 14 1986
Last Modified:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	5321
Total number of notes:	139771

954.0. ""If I were Captain"" by WILKIE::COBB () Tue Oct 10 1989 23:53

   This article has been circulating around in Mail...Anyone who hasn't
    seen it will really enjoy reading it.  I thought it was priceless.
    I wish I knew who the author is so I could give appropriate credit.
    
    Enjoy!
    
    
     
 From this far "below decks" one gets the impression that not only does it 
 take a long time to alter course on a vessel of this size, we get the 
 distinct impression that the Captain is getting very frustrated. We think we 
 can hear his voice through the porthole on a quiet night, shouting orders 
 from the bridge. We can't hear what he's saying, but we know he's yelling a 
 lot. We also overhear his officers on the decks above us. Many of us seem to 
 think they are spending far too much time fighting and arguing amongst 
 themselves about how to carry out the Captain's orders. (Just an impression, 
 mind you. We don't really know for sure because they talk in whispers in 
 small groups with "people they trust".)
 
 It leaves one to wonder if the Captain's orders are too ambiguous, or if the 
 Officers are trying to read too much into something that is quite simple 
 ("this is what the Captain REALLY means ..."). My friend Rich thinks the 
 Officers are trying to twist the orders to promote their own interests. (Are 
 they allowed to do that?)
 
 I suppose all this conjecture on my part is really QUITE unfair, since I'm 
 not even allowed on the bridge, and have only seen the Captain once or twice 
 over the last 5-6 years when we've pulled into port. Yet it doesn't change 
 how we feel down here on the second level.
 
 We try to keep our ears open to get as much information about our final 
 destination as possible, but the information we get is frequently garbled 
 (bad radio connection I think) and almost always conflicts with what you 
 heard yesterday. We've learned that this depends a lot on which of the 
 Ensigns you are listening to at any one point in time. (In general though, 
 we find the Ensigns are NOT all that knowledgeable about anything, so we 
 humor them a lot. You know, salute them all the time, and say "sir" or 
 "Ma'am" to everything. We ignore them most of the time though, because they 
 seldom help us and give us FAR too much busywork ... reports and logs and 
 other nonsense that has NOTHING to do with sailing the ship.)
 
 So, to keep ourselves sane, (and this is where the FUN comes in) what we 
 have done is invent a game called "If I Were Captain". We sit around and 
 pretended that WE are the Captains. I know it doesn't sound like much fun at 
 first, and in the beginning it was sort of a joke, but it's actually turning 
 out to be a great pastime. We have created our own vision of where the ship 
 needs to head, and we are acting out all the parts to achieve that mission. 
 It's a LOT of fun, and we actually feel good about what we do. 
 
 We have a plan and a direction, and we're doing our best to sail towards a 
 goal. We may be wrong about where the ship is REALLY supposed to be going, 
 (but since nobody really knows exactly where we're going, what do we have to 
 lose?) Besides, it's much more fun than waiting for the Officers to announce 
 any kind of a clear message. That could take WEEKS! 
 
 We've also found that it's really difficult to understand the announcements 
 that we do get from most of the Officers anyway. My friend Bob tells me it's 
 because of one of the courses that all Officers take at Annapolis, "How To 
 Write Content Free Memos And Speeches". (He isn't serious, is he?)
 
 Anyway, when playing "If I Were Captain" the only trouble we have is that 
 once in a while we need to touch some of the "REAL" components of the ship 
 in order to carry out this self-envisioned mission. It's not that we don't 
 know what we're doing (for heaven's sake, nobody knows our jobs better than 
 us) it's because there are MP's ALL OVER the place. We have no idea why 
 they're on board. God knows we never fight, there's no booze on board, and 
 we're only trying to do our jobs (as WE see it anyway). Yet, there they are, 
 saying "Don't touch this!" and "You can't have that." and always asking us 
 to see our passes and stuff. I don't blame them, I suppose they think 
 they're just doing their job. But what puzzles me is why they absolutely 
 refuse to play "If I Were Captain" with us. 
 
 Anyway, when they stop us, we've tried asking them "Why?" on a few 
 occasions. We have discovered that MP's don't like to be asked ANY 
 questions. In fact, we sort of get the impression that we're never supposed 
 to ask them anything ... like we should know instinctively "WHY" something 
 can't be done. (I personally think most of the MP's are descended from long 
 lines of MP's who have never done anything but guard stuff. This would 
 explain their frequent use of terms like "because it's always been that way" 
 or "that's just our policy".)
 
 So we have another game that we play called "Trick the MP's". When we need 
 to touch some of the "REAL" parts of the ship, one or more of us will run 
 through the galley with a large spoon and a dish and yell that we're going 
 to steal all the food in the ship's hold. A bunch of MP's will run after 
 these decoys and try to keep them from stealing anything (which they never 
 intended to do in the first place). 
 
 While all that's going on, the rest of us will check the ship's compass, run 
 to the engine room to adjust the speed slightly, ask the radioman to send a 
 couple of messages out, and SOMETIMES we can even sneak up to the bridge and 
 make a SLIGHT deviation to the ship's course. This is VERY HARD TO DO! Not 
 only do you have to sneak past all the MP's (and there are LOTS of them 
 between here and the bridge!) but you have to get by all the Officers as 
 well. They are lined up on the stairs to the bridge, and every one of them 
 wants to question you about why you want to go up there. 
 
 It's not that the Officers are guarding things exactly, but we have learned 
 that they are VERY suspicious of anyone else who comes up to the bridge, and 
 they watch you like a hawk the whole time you're there. Any time you ever 
 make it up to the bridge, they are forever asking you what you're doing up 
 there. 
 
 We used to be very honest about our intentions, "I'm here to make a course 
 correction to 192 degrees, sir." We've found that's a big mistake, and we 
 don't do it anymore. When the Officers hear what you want, they will usually 
 act VERY excited about your idea and even volunteer to take care of it for 
 you personally ... "Just jot that course down for me sonny, and I'll be sure 
 to discuss it with the Captain this very afternoon." But we've found that 
 they never do. I wonder why? If they aren't excited about our idea, they 
 would be better of to just say so. Some people I know have been sent to the 
 brig for trying to change course. 
 
 Anyway, we've found the best way to make a course correction is to try to 
 sneak up to the bridge and play a modified version of "Trick The MP's" on 
 the Officers. Officers are much to intelligent to fall for the "spoon and 
 the dish" trick, but we have other ways to distract them. We've found the 
 BEST way to divert their attention is to tell them that one of the other 
 Officers has an absolutely EXCELLENT plan that he's going to see the Captain 
 about. 
 
 This usually distracts them enough to give us more than enough time to 
 change course by about a half to a full degree every 2-3 days. They are so 
 busy watching what the other Officer is doing and trying to find out what 
 this "excellent plan" is all about that they don't usually catch on to what 
 we're doing for weeks ... if they catch on at all.
 
 We realize that one of these days one of the more important Officers (or 
 maybe even the Captain himself) will walk boldly up to the ship's wheel and 
 yank her over about 35-40 degrees. Even though this sharp turn of the wheel 
 may cause some of us to fall of the ship, we're nonetheless looking forward 
 to the day it happens.
 
 If we did a poor job of plotting our own course, and the wheel gets yanked 
 in the wrong direction, we not only lose several months of work (changing 
 the course a little at a time) but we also lose the game, "If I Were 
 Captain." 
 
 Then again, if the wheel goes in the RIGHT direction, we will take great 
 pride in the fact that we won the game, and we can go back to being real 
 sailors again for a while. Either way, we'll know which way the ship is 
 going, and that'll be sort of fun all by itself!
 
 
 (PS: In case you're wondering, NOBODY wins at "Trick the MP's". Playing the 
 game isn't very much fun, and, in fact, it wastes a lot of time. But if you 
 want to play "If I Were Captain" at all, then you HAVE to play "Trick The 
 MP's" ... they tell me this is because "it's always been that way.")

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
954.1	The MP's are coming.	WMOIS::D_MONTGOMERY		`Wed Oct 11 1989 11:20`	9
	Excellent piece of writing. Some of it hit home; some didn't; some I didn't understand. Either way, I'm sure the "MP's" will be setting it hidden or deleting it very soon, since there was neither explicit permission nor an author's name -- thereby proving one of the points made in the "essay". -Monty-
954.2	What does M stand for in "MP"?	SERPNT::SONTAKKE	Vikas Sontakke	`Wed Oct 11 1989 12:08`	8
	> Either way, I'm sure the "MP's" will be setting it hidden or deleting > it very soon, since there was neither explicit permission nor an > author's name -- thereby proving one of the points made in the "essay". By writing the above paragraph, you might have succeeded in "trick the MP's" game. - Vikas
954.3	Priceless!!!!!	YUPPIE::COLE	If this is a dream, please feel free to wake me!	`Wed Oct 11 1989 13:03`	10
	Someone has to find the source for this so we can send them a big "thank-you" card. I am for sure going to extract it ASAP! As for you poor souls who were never in the uniformed services, the situation described is of a US Navy vessel, and the "MPs" are, depending on your mood at the time, "Miltary Police", or "Marine P---ks", since Marines do that bit of dirty work for the Navy. I have some trouble relating that particular element to DEC, but the rest is right-on! Best entry in here in a while!
954.4	adrift	WLDWST::KING	INVEST IN YOURSELF	`Wed Oct 11 1989 14:02`	10
	I think the captain(s) of our little ship (life raft?) must be fighting on the bridge. Our course keeps changing and we are thrown violently about the ship with sparks flying on a regular basis. Also, very little information comes through to the ships workers, almost like we're underwater. Wait, I think I got it! We are starring in a remake of "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea". -psk
954.5	captaincy by committee???	DIXIE2::SILVERS	Gun Control: Hitting what you aim for	`Wed Oct 11 1989 15:43`	1
	CAPTAIN(S)?? never heard of a ship run by a committee...
954.6	what if man overboard	HPSCAD::HENDERSON	I am that man	`Wed Oct 11 1989 20:35`	5
	I wonder if the ship would be more likely to change course if one of the better known MPs happened to fall overboard ( or got pushed maybe ) in particularly heavy seas. Steve
954.7		QUARK::LIONEL	Free advice is worth every cent	`Thu Oct 12 1989 00:17`	3
	Perhaps MP is referring to Member of Parliament? (Or perhaps not...) Steve
954.8	Whoa - you may have misunderstood me...	WMOIS::D_MONTGOMERY		`Thu Oct 12 1989 00:47`	38
	: :> Either way, I'm sure the "MP's" will be setting it hidden or deleting :> it very soon, since there was neither explicit permission nor an :> author's name -- thereby proving one of the points made in the "essay". : : By writing the above paragraph, you might have succeeded in "trick the : MP's" game. : : - Vikas I don't want to play "trick the MP's". I was merely inferring the metaphor of "MP" [Military Police] to represent any party who might control or enforce. This may include Personnel people who write, interpret, and enforce policy; or security guards; or moderators who must also interpret and enforce policy. In this case, it seemed clear to me that the note would certainly be removed due to its lack of author ID, and lack of explicit permission for posting here. In no way did I mean to imply anything negative about our moderators. My short, broad statement was only intended to provoke thought about the role of "MP's" on our "ship" -- particularly in light of the recent update to the policy on Notes and Electronic Communication. MP's are necessary. No doubt about it. Digital's "MP's" [Personnel, management, Notes moderators, security guards, etc.] do an _excellent_ job of keeping this company one of the finest places to work. [Top 10 in a recent "Industry Week" poll] If the moderators of this conference agree that .0 is appropriate and doesn't violate the new policy, I'm glad to see it remain. And if the policy-writers don't think it's a violation, that's even bette The new policy may not be as difficult as many people originally interpreted it to be. At any rate, please don't take my comments of .1 as being a slam against our moderators. Their job is difficult enough, and they do a good job walking a thin line. -Monty-
954.9	Joke's on you!	QUARK::LIONEL	Free advice is worth every cent	`Thu Oct 12 1989 02:24`	5
	Re: .8 Naw, we decided to trick you instead and let it stay. Hahahahaha! Steve
954.10	2 cents	REGENT::LEVINE	THIS week is NEXT week's LAST week.	`Thu Oct 12 1989 15:47`	7
	speaking as a reader of this conference: I found this note to be funny, incisive, and darn close to a lot of things Ive felt for a while now. I love it!! speaking as a moderator: ditto! Rick L
954.11	Actuall MP = Mental Police.	ULTRA::GONDA	DECelite: Pursuit of Knowledge, Wisdom, and Happiness.	`Thu Oct 12 1989 18:44`	1

954.12	reverse analogy	MPO::GILBERT	The Wild Rover - Portfolio Mgmt Services	`Fri Oct 13 1989 16:50`	6
	RE: .6(i think) Maybe if WE turned the ship sharply enough some of the officers, ensigns, and MPs would fall overboard!!!!
954.13	Wanted more updates on the ship	AZTECH::KANNAN		`Fri Oct 13 1989 20:39`	12
	On the ship I know, the captain used to have a couple of sub-captains. These days the captain is convinced that a wooden hull made out of a material called "xinu" is much better than the hull he has which is made out of "smv". For a long time the captain was convinced that ships needed only one hull. Now he has changed his mind about the number of hulls. Now he wants two hulls. How would he make both them fit?...Meanwhile he discovered that the ship wasn't moving forward as fast as it used to be. So one of his sub-captains had to walk the plank....:-) :-) Nari
954.14	Too many Sub-Captains	STAR::MFOLEY	Rebel without a Clue	`Sat Oct 14 1989 00:57`	7
	And then all the sailors started wondering why there were so many Senior-Sub-Captains and Sub-Captains and then started wondering "Hmmmm, maybe I can be a Sub-Captain too" mike
954.15	A little nit	KYOA::MIANO	I see the N end of a S bound horse	`Sat Oct 14 1989 02:14`	5
	As a former soldier who was a menace with hand grenades I should point out that the Squids and Queen Corps have SPs (Shore Patrol) while the military (i.e. the Army) has MPs. John
954.16	Rough Seas ahead	SNOC02::KAY	Bruce @ Canberra, Oz	`Sat Oct 14 1989 04:34`	84
	re .13 Further update on the ship The Captain has now fashioned the ship into a Catamaran. Many of the Sub-Captains, and Officers approve of this because they hold to a belief that catamarans are actually the fastest ships afloat. The MP's are very enthusiastic. They keep shouting at us that after the next change in direction we'll not only re-gain all our old speed, we'll be sailing faster than ever. It has caused a bit of a culture shock below decks though. Many of the sailors are clinging to the hull made out of "smv". Some of the really old salts are actually refusing to serve aboard the hull made of "xinu". They don't like all the new sea skills required to keep her steady afloat. The Captain and the officers are having troubles finding enough shipmates to serve aboard the "xinu" hull. Each time we stop into a port, the Officers try to hire on a few new sailors experienced serving aboard "xinu" vessels. There are problems with this. The Captain and Senior Sub-Captains have invoked a hiring freeze, because they recognize that the ship will list badly if there are many more sailors and cargo aboard the "smv" hull. Also morale aboard the "xinu" hull is at a low ebb. Some of the new chums actually feel ostracized and intimidated by many of the old hands from the "smv" hull. The gap between the 2 hulls is a wide one indeed, and apart from the bridge itself there is very little infrastructure to join the twin hulls together. Many of the sailors are frightened about the sea worthiness of the vessel. They are scared the new "xinu" hull is too "RISCy". But the Captain and the Senior Sub-Captains have to keep a weather eye out for the markets where take our cargo. They realize that fashion has changed in the marketplaces. Some of our infuential customers are actually insisting on cargo delivered by "xinu" hulled vessels. This may be short-sighted on the part of these customers, however we must acknowledge that they are subsidising the voyage. Some of the long serving officers are also grumbling about some of the new-fangled cargo. Things used to be easy when the cargo used to be tin and wire. Now some of the Sub-Captains are insisting we carry a new sort of "integrated" cargo and a whole array of new "soft" goods, much more difficult to stow aboard. The Captain has endorsed a plan by some of the senior officers to solve the problems of the instability of the ship. The plan is to built a platform between the "xinu" and the "smv" hulls constructed of a highly resilient new material they call "AIA". The platform will be called "SAN". So far the building of the "SAN" platform is only partially complete. Some of the components like the "ASCP" connection just won't seem to plug in correctly. The sailors aboard the original "smv" hull are loosing heart. At first they got excited about actually having windows so that they could have many views. But when they looked out the windows they could see the "new wave" coming. Sure they got to use their own "toolkit" but they didn't feel comfortable with the inteface that was designed aboard another sleek vessel now almost completely constructed of "xinu" called the "HP". However the Sub-Captains who are wanting to carry the soft goods and the new-style integrated cargo are sure the "SAN" platform is the "right thing". In fact they are already bringing on board passengers to carry aboard the cabins that form part of the "SAN" platform. So far these first few passengers are non-paying. They come from various strange ethnic groups called "consultants". One day though the Sub-Captains keep assuring the sailors we will all have a happy ship. They even look forward to the day when our main form of cargo will actually be paying passengers. Our marketplace will be amongst "people", they say. We will be able to sail to many exotic and romantic ports. Some of the old-salts are grumbling about the prospects of having to serve these "people". They used to enjoy serving in the engine room. The Captain has unfolded a grand plan to retrain these ships engineers to be ships pursars and the like, dealing directly with the "people". For the old-salts, somehow the romance of the sea seems to have faded into the sunset. Even though it is unfair, they blame the new sailors from aboard the "xinu" hull. Our wily old Captain still has a job ahead of him to keep the ship's morale afloat.
954.17		SSDEVO::EGGERS	Anybody can fly with an engine.	`Sun Oct 15 1989 18:16`	2
	Anybody notice that it is far harder to change directions with a catamaran than with a mono-hull?
954.18	Comes down with a splash	WFOV11::ABERT	Verbal discourse is inexpensive	`Mon Oct 16 1989 04:09`	8
	<RE -.1> Yes, it is more difficult - and one hull usually comes out of the water in the process, which may throw those overboard whom are not prepared for the change in course! Carl
954.19	I hate catamarans	CASEE::LACROIX	Object oriented dog food? No, sorry	`Mon Oct 16 1989 07:35`	7
	The last time I was a crew member on a catamaran, the captain made a slight mistake, and the catamaran capsized. We all got a chance to exercise our swimming skills, but nobody drowned; the group split in two afterwards: those who would sail again on a catamaran, and those who wouldn't. Our wise captain decided t'was time to retire. Denis.
954.20		MOVIES::LESLIE	Edmund Blackadder	`Mon Oct 16 1989 08:02`	1
	Of course it's really a trimaran, but never mind....
954.21		STAR::MFOLEY	Rebel without a Clue	`Mon Oct 16 1989 22:52`	9
	RE: .20 Yea, the Captain filed a QAR and had an FCO done to the catamaran to bring it up to Trimaran specs.. Of course, this took forever and a day to find out HOW to do this due to the fact he was calling the xxxMaran Co. asking for the engineer/designer because the salesman he bought the boat from didn't have the info on how to upgrade. Matter of fact, he didn't know there was an upgrade and tried to sell him a new boat..
954.22	Another Hull	UNXA::HASLOCK	Nigel Haslock @ Manalapan,NJ	`Wed Oct 18 1989 20:38`	23
	Meanwhile, at the end of a rope:- A bunch of prospective passengers got together to invent this 'xinu' hull design. They were a bunch of tinkerers and sold the design to other folk who built all kinds of modified hulls in all shapes and sizes (the main xinu hull is one of these second generation jobs). Not so long ago, the original tinkerers got tired of their hull and offered it to my petty officer for a few pennies. He leapt at the chance of a boat of his own. Over the years he has built up a crew for his hull and refurbished it a few times. We get supplies via a bosuns chair and the MP's seem to be ignoring us. Every so often our petty officer transfers to the main hulls for some kind of politicing. He tells us that he is trying to get us converted into an outrigger but all he comes back with is materials for another refit. The trouble is, we have a hull without a rudder. I think one of the sub-sub-captains has seen us and wants to fit us out with a rudder while other officers are divided into the "bring them on deck and flog them for desertion" and the "cut them loose and watch them drown" schools.