Conference thebay::joyoflex

Holmes and Watson are touring a citrus orchard.


Watson: "What's that tree over there, Holmes?"

Holmes: "A lemon tree, my dear Watson, a lemon tree."


Dave

    Holmes and Watson have just finished a breakfast.  Holmes uructates
    [burps], and looks a bit out of sorts. 
    
    Watson:  What's the trouble?
    
    Holmes: Alimentary, my Dear Watson. Alimentary.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    Holmes and Watson were looking through the Encyclopedia of Trees for
    information about pine trees.
    
    Watson: Do you think we'll find it in this volume?
    
    
    Holmes: Of course not. The volume you're holding is L. M. N. Trees.
    

    Holmes was staring at a chart pinned to his wall, paying particular
    attention to one square.
    
    Watson recognised the periodic table, but was curious as to his
    friends almost undivided attention so asked
     "Holmes, my dear chap, what are you staring at ?"
    
     Holmes replied "Element Re my dear Watson"

   Holmes and Watson were attending a charitable function.

   "How did you know this event was sponsored by a goodwill organization?"
   asked Watson.

   "Eleemosynary, my dear Watson, eleemosynary," Holmes replied.

    It is a little know fact that Sherlock Holmes worked in a picture
    framing gallery for several months when the sleuthing business was in
    a slump.  Naturally, his companion, Dr. Watson, assisted him.
     
    One day, Watson exclaimed, "See here, Holmes!  How can we be expected
    to work under such conditions?  We ordered 40 pre-cut sections of
    frame, but only 25 have come in.  Furthermore, the cuts are very
    poorly done;  not one is at a proper 45 degree angle.  I'd do my best
    to fix the pieces which have come in, but all our saws are rusty."
     
    Holmes considered the situation carefully for a few moments and then
    instructed his friend,
     
    
                    "Oil 'em and re-mitre what's in."

    Anybody know any good Keats ad Chapmans???
    

    Holmes and Watson were in the Christmas spirit having just eaten
    their roast turkey and plumb pudding so lovingly prepared by Mrs.
    Hudson.
    
    The Queen had finished her Christmas speech and they had both fallen
    into joke telling:
    
    Holmes: Knock! Knock!
    Watson: Who's there?                     
    Holmes: When-yer.                         
    Watson: When-yer who?                     
    Holmes: When-yer going to piss-off Watson?

    
    	So Holmes and Watson are visiting the local cabinetmaker,
    	who is fashioning a door frame out of lemon wood.
    
    	Watson (pointing at an unfinished frame): What's that, Holmes?
    
    
    
    
    	Holmes: "A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

    Holmes and Watson were doing research into a suspected murder by
    poisoning case. They suspected the victim died from an overdose of
    aluminum (or, as they say in Great Britain, aluminium).
    
    Watson was looking through the enyclopedia for information.
    
    Watson: I can't find anything on aluminium.
    
    Holmes: It comes after the alum entry, my dear Watson.
    

    Holmes' faculty for observation was seldom at rest.  One day, while
    strolling along the Mall, he noticed a squirrel sitting on a tree
    branch clutching a nut.  The squirrel was clearly worrying how to
    open the nut and paying little attention to everything else.  Thus
    transfixed, he failed to notice the approach of another of his
    species, larger than himself and wearing a sinister sneer (not a bad
    trick for a squirrel).  The intruder deftly grabbed the nut and at
    the same time pushed the former owner headlong off the branch to his
    death on the rocks below.
    
    Seeing that his friend was on to something, Watson asked, "What is
    it, Holmes?"
    
    "A limb intrigue, my dear Watson. A limb intrigue," Holmes replied.
    

         
         Holmes and Watson were sitting around suckin' brews and listening
         to a stacks and stacks of wax.  They came across an Ella
         Fitzgerald record that was quite a hypnotic little ditty.
         
         Watson asked Holmes, "What's this riff going down, man ? ".
         
         Holmes replied, "Ella mantra my dear Watson, Ella mantra."

    One day Holmes and Watson were to solve a case involving
    a murder among petroleum workers.  Watson was aghast that
    Holmes was planning on being late to a meeting.
    
    Watson asked: "But why do you think that it's acceptable to be late?"
    Holmes replied: "Because oily men tarry, my dear Watson, oily men tarry"
    

    Holmes returned from a farm animal show.
    
    Watson: "So, how was it? Any winners?"
    
    Holmes: "The lamb entries, my dear Watson. The lamb entries."

    Watson and Holmes were trying to fall asleep in a house that had a
    reputation for being haunted. Watson was startled by a particularly
    strange, ghostly wail. He jumped up and said, "What was that?!"
    
    "A lament eerie, my dear Watson. A lament eerie."

    There was a time when Holmes and Watson were being lectured about
    Eastern religions, philosophies, asnd the like.  They had been told
    that not only had people private mantras, but some had mantras for
    specialized situations.
    
    "Hmph," said Watson.  "What do you suppose one would come up with
    as a contemplation for staying berhind a shelter in the wind?"
    
    "Alee mantra, my dear Watson.  Alee mantra."
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.

    Holmes and Watson were planning their holiday in France.
    
    "Tell me, Holmes, in which airport are there the strictest Customs
    searches?"
    
    "Well," said Holmes," there is much debate on this. Some say
    'Beauvais'and  some say 'Charles de Gaulle', but I know Orly men try,
    Watson. Orly men try!"
    
    
    djw

    Holmes and Watson were discussing events in Korea, a bit presciently,
    I guess, and just a bit inebriatedly.

    Holmes:  "Remember that president chap, ehh ... Sigmund Fee?"

    Watson:  "I think that was Syngman Rhee."

    Holmes:  "'ell, ah meant Rhee, my dear Watson.  'ell, ah meant Rhee."

    Speaking of Syngman Rhee ....
    
    After things cooled off in Korea, he went to work for Life magazine.
    One of his old cronies went looking for him. However, Rhee was way off
    in the jungle doing interviews. Finally his buddy caught up with him,
    and said:
    
    
    Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life at last I've found you!
    
    How about that, Mr. Watson?

    Holmes is on hold with the Betty Ford center while Watson jots down
    notes for an upcoming story:
    
    Watson: I say, Holmes, what was the name of that pirate fellow who raided
    off the Egyptian coast?
    
    Holmes: El-Alamayn Terry, my dear Watson, El-Alamayn Terry.
    
    
    
    About the Korean fellow, did you know that the magazine never printed
    his pictures of his child, nor were they receptive to his attempts at
    versification? He was bitterly disappointed that his Life had no rhyme
    or Rhee's son.

Holmes and Watson are going round a hologram exhibition when they come 
across a hologram of the Last Supper.


Watson: "Good Heavens Holmes, what is that?"

Holmes: "A meal in 3D, my dear Watson, a meal in 3D"


Jerry

    
    (credit for this one to my friend star::krishnan)
    
    Holmes and Watson join DEC, and are exploring NOTES when they come
    across JOYOFLEX.
    
    Watson (excited): "Oh wow, Holmes, what do you think about this
                       notesfile ?"
    
    Holmes : "Illuminatory, my dear Watson, illuminatory."

    
    
    Watson: What do you call a British sympathizer during the American
            Revolution who was not a minister?
    
    Holmes: A layman Tory, my dear Watson, A layman Tory.

    
    
    Watson: How would you describe Note 741.22, Holmes ?
    
    Holmes: A lame entry, my dear Watson, a lame entry.

    Holmes:	Watson, why don't we hold an exhibition?
    
    Watson:	An exhibition! Ideal Holmes!
    
    
    Ian.

    Holmes and Watson are in Florida in a motorboat.  The prop suddenly
    makes a very peculiar noise and stops running.
    
    Holmes:  Watson--What do you suppose that was??
    
    Watson:  Only a manatee, my dear Watson, only a manatee.

    Watson:  But how is it possible to understand the workings of an
             utter madman?
    
    Holmes:  Err mentally, my dear Watson, err mentally.
    
    
    
    During their visit to Japan, Holmes and Watson ate at a restaurant
    with cheap Chinese noodles.  The waitress brought a piece of paper
    to them.
    Watson:  What do you call this?
    Holmes:  The ramen tally, my dear Watson, the ramen tally.
    
    
    
    They took off for another continent.
    Watson:  This is Tuesday.  Where are we now?
    Holmes:  Milan Italy, my dear Watson, Milan Italy.
    
    
    
    Holmes:  Three-l llama dare ye, my dear Ogden, three-l llama dare ye?

    After Pompeii was excavated, ruins of another ancient city were
    found.  Holmes and Watson were called in to investigate.
    
    Watson:  Isn't this interesting, Holmes?  Another city preserved by
             a volcano.
    
    Holmes:  Oh, there was no volcano here, Watson.
    
    Watson:  How can you tell that?
    
    Holmes:  Just look at these rocks.  All sedimentary, my dear Watson,
             all sedimentary.

    The task fell to Watson.  Given the advances in human rights, it
    was predictable that the field of private investigating would be
    opened to all human beings, regardless of sex, race, or creed.
    All instances of sexist language had to be rewritten.
    
    Holmes:  No, not that sign, Watson.  Leave it alone.
    
    Watson:  But doesn't it apply to the entire human race now?
    
    Holmes:  I'm afraid not.  Men literally, my dear Watson,
             men literally.

    Someone else can think up the rest.  Life's too short.

"Holmes, do you spell 'transcendentally' 'andentally' or 'endentally'"?

"Errr...

    "Holmes, how can I predict the behavior of this chemical?"
    
    "Look in the Periodic Tab-- whoops, I mean in the ........."

"Holmes, -"

" Shut up, Watson."

    "That's rudimentary, Holmes!"

    Watson: What are the prospects in the next election?
    
    Holmes: Eliminate Tory, my dear Watson, eliminate Tory.
    
    
    
    Watson: Where should I park my car?
    
    Holmes: A lemon area, my dear Watson, a lemon area.
    
    
    
    Watson: But people don't die just from telling shaggy dog stories!
    
    Holmes: Ailment raree, my dear Watson, ailment raree.

Watson: "I'm going to order some sandwiches at the endangered species 
takeaway, which would you like Holmes?"

Holmes: "Elephant on rye, my dear Watson, elephant on rye"

          <<< Note 741.36 by ELIS::KEW "I am the man I used to be" >>>

>Watson: "I'm going to order some sandwiches at the endangered species 
>takeaway, which would you like Holmes?"

>Holmes: "Elephant on rye, my dear Watson, elephant on rye"


Watson:" 'ELEPHANT'!, "Do you have any idea how much that will cost?"
Holmes: "They're complimentary, my dear Watson, complimentary."

    Watson: "What would you like to drink?"
    
    Holmes: "A lemon daquiri, my dear Watson, a lemon daquiri(?)"
    (argh, my dictionary's about 15,000 km away from here and it's
    not in the nearest English-Japanese dictionary...)

    Watson:  "RIPJSB!"
    
    Holmes:  "A little commentary my dear Watson, a little commentary."
    
    
    
    Watson:  "Rev. 179's RISC C compiler doesn't even conform to K&R's
               first edition."
    
    Holmes:  "A lamentable error my dear Watson, a lamentable error."
    
    
    
    Watson:  "SNA will reach every overpriced machine in the industrialized
               world.  Where do you think DECnet architecture will get you?"

    Olsen:   "Unlimited area my dear Watson, unlimited area."
                                       :-)

From Usenet, in alt.folklore.urban:
From: david@cs.uow.edu.au (David E A Wilson)

In "The Strange Case of the End of Civilisation As We Know It" there is a
scene where 'Arthur' Holmes & 'William' Watson are doing a crossword where
every clue leads to an answer which sounds quite like "Elementary", my
dear Watson.

I am sure that the televised version had more clues than my paperback copy -
does anyone have a longer list than the following?

Simple source of citrus fruit - 1,5,4
Conservative pays ex-wife maintenance - 7,4
Southern Californian style - 1,2,8
Burglar's entrance - 5,5
Cowardly fish with a sting in it's tail - 6,8
--
David Wilson    Dept Comp Sci, Uni of Wollongong        david@cs.uow.edu.au

    Watson:  "What would you like for your snack, Holmes?"
    
    Holmes:  "Emmental and brie, my dear Watson."

    Holmes:  "Unfortunately we have no extradition treaty with the
                territory where the politician has escaped to."
    
    Watson:  "No problem sir, he's bottled up there with no supplies.
                Surely we can stake him out, and capture him when
                he tries to return home."
    
    Holmes:  "Sorry Watson, I'm afraid we can't get him on that route."
    
    Watson:  "But why not?"
    
    Holmes:  "Gerrymander alley my dear Watson, gerrymander alley."

    Watson:  "We seem to be in a garden whose plants number a power of 2,
                all different."
    
    Holmes:  "Mendel's laboratory my dear Watson, Mendel's laboratory."