Conference thebay::joyoflex

    Old John lived under a hill
    And slept right next to his still


Dave C.

    
    Old John lived under a hill
    And slept right next to his still
    So that when he woke up

    Old John lived under a hill
    And slept right next to his still
    So that when he woke up
    He could have a quick sup

    
    Old John lived under a hill
    And slept right next to his still
    So that when he woke up
    He could have a quick sup
    Of some shine that wasn't swill
    
    
    Limerick Addition Football

Limerick Addition Football
Addiction to words lexical

    
    Limerick Addition Football
    Addiction to words lexical
    But scantion should be

    Limerick Addition Football
    Addiction to words lexical
    But scantion should be
    No trifle, you see

    Limerick Addition Football
    Addiction to words lexical
    But scansion should be
    No trifle, you see,
    And not merely theoretical

    To a mathematician named Block,

        To a mathematician named Block,
        Contemplating his inside-out sock,

    To a mathematician named Block,
    Contemplating his inside-out sock,
    Decided his toes
    inside of his hose

    To a mathematician named Block,
    Contemplating his inside-out sock,
    Decided his toes
    inside of his hose
    Were actually outside of his sock
    
    No Klein-bottle paradox here

    
    "No Klein-bottle paradox here,"
    To some Mo bi usn't quite clear.

    
    
    "No Klein-bottle paradox here,"
    To some Mo bi usn't quite clear.
    The twisty diversion
    Is just an inversion

    Of an unorthodox bottle of beer??
    
    No. Somebody please do better than that after Mr. Kallis's
    two great lines.

    "No Klein-bottle paradox here,"
    To some Mo bi usn't quite clear.
    The twisty diversion
    Is just an inversion
    To make inside out, and far near.

    To use Tom's line as a good starting point:
    
    An orthodox bottle of beer,

    An orthodox bottle of beer,
    I drank with a great deal of cheer
    

   An orthodox bottle of beer,
   I drank with a great deal of cheer
       With religious conviction


Dave C.

    An orthodox bottle of beer
    I drank with a great deal of cheer
        With religious conviction
        And greatly slurred diction

    
    An orthodox bottle of beer
    I drank with a great deal of cheer
        With religious conviction
        And greatly slurred diction
    I Confirmed a second, I fear.

    In Egypt, where beer was invented

    In Egypt, where beer was invented
    The pharoahs were often demented

    In Egypt, where beer was invented
    The pharoahs were often demented
    And one, name of Tut,

        In Egypt, where beer was invented
        The pharoahs were often demented
            And one, name of Tut,
            Got his rather large gut

        In Egypt, where beer was invented
        The pharoahs were often demented
            And one, name of Tut,
            Got his rather large gut
        From drinking some nectar (fermented).

    There once was a hooker named Irene,

    There once was a hooker named Irene
    In a dress made of new polystyrene

    There once was a hooker named Irene,
    Whose face made the Johns want to scream,
    
    
    Bob, your last line of the prior limerick was "Divine" ;-}
    
    Larry

    
    
    Making use of both .433 and .434:
    
    There once was a hooker named Irene,
    Whose face made the Johns want to scream,
         She diverted their eyes
         from her face to her thighs
    In a dress made of polystyrene.
    
    

    There once was a town named Fitzhugh.
    

    
    There once was a town named Fitzhugh
    That altered its name to Weird Brew. 

    There once was a town named Fitzhugh
    That altered its name to Weird Brew. 
      Local water, they said

    There once was a town named Fitzhugh
    That altered its name to Weird Brew. 
      Local water, they said
      Had such a nice head

    There once was a town named Fitzhugh
    That altered its name to Wierd Brew.
      Local water, they said
      Had such a nice head
    That it made you feel drunk through and through.
    

    
    A notable noter from Mass.

    A notable noter from Mass.
    Noted a quote from Tass

    
    A notable noter from Mass.
    Noted a quote from Tass
       "No signs of glasnost in
        Environs of Boston"
    

    
    
    A notable noter from Mass.
    Noted a quote from Tass
       "No signs of glasnot in
        Environs of Boston"
    'Cause Bush is still fishing for bass!
    

    The leaves on the Trail Appalachian

    
    The leaves on the Trail Appalachian
    Cause a certain degree of elation

    
    The leaves on the Trail Appalachian
    Cause a certain degree of elation
        As green hues decline
    

    
    The leaves on the trail Appalachian
    Cause a certain degree of elation
    	As green hues decline
        For forests, we pine
    

    The leaves on the trail Appalachian
    Cause a certain degree of elation
        As green hues decline
        For forests, we pine
    With many bright colors invision.
    
    In many ways Fall in sad
    

    
    In many ways Fall in sad
    Each day is shorter a tad

    In many ways Fall in sad
    Each day is shorter a tad
    All the red and the gold
    Is followed by cold
    
    

    In many ways Fall is sad
    Each day is shorter a tad
        All the red and the gold
        Is followed by cold
    And remembrance of the summer we had.


Dave C.

    Remember the last cold, dark winter


Dave C.

    
    Remember the last cold, dark winter
    From bedroom to bath took a sprinter

    Remember the last cold, dark winter
    From bedroom to bath took a sprinter
	But a cold toilet seat

    Remember the last cold, dark winter
    From bedroom to bath took a sprinter
	But a cold toilet seat
	Just soaks up the heat

    Remember the last cold, dark winter
    From bedroom to bath took a sprinter
    	But a cold toilet seat
    	Just soaks up the heat;
    Loins as frigid as corpses we inter.
    

    Can we try an old one with a new pronunciation ?
    
    The leaves on the Trail Appalachian
    Are the zenith of autumnal fashion
    

    
    The leaves on the Trail Appalachian
    Are the zenith of autumnal fashion
    But the leaves on my drive
    Just can't wait to arrive

    The leaves on the Trail Appalachian
    Are the zenith of autumnal fashion
    But the leaves on my drive
    Just can't wait to arrive
    And lay down in decomposition.

    Today is September 18

    
    Today is September 18
    In the month, it's, er, the betweenth

    Today is September 18
    In the month, it's, er, the between.
      Between warm months
      And the cold months.
    The day 'fore September 19.
    
    I decided to finish the limerick to put it out of its misery...

    There once was a boy named Bill

    
    There once was a [young] boy named Bill
    Who sat on a giant ant hill
    
    
    "Young" added for scantion.
    
    I mean, after all, these are limericks

    There once was a young boy named Bill
    Who sat on a giant ant hill.
    	"He's got holes in his pants!"
    

    There once was a young boy named Bill
    Who sat on a giant ant hill.
    	"He's got holes in his pants!"
	Cried the jubilant ants,    

    There once was a young boy named Bill
    Who sat on a giant ant hill.
        "He's got holes in his pants!"
        Cried the jubilant ants,
    "So let's eat our fill of poor Bill!"
    
    A programmer looked at his keyboard

    
    A programmer looked at his keyboard
    Then decided his mail he would forward

    A programmer looked at his keyboard
    Then decided his mail he would forward
    He sat in fascination
    As he forwarded across the nation
    

    A programmer looked at his keyboard
    Then decided his mail he would forward
      He sat in fascination
      As he forwarded across the nation
    Those memos which made him the most bored.
    
    
    So, like, I wasn't the one who rhymed "keyboard" with "forward",
    okay?  Get off my case!
    

    
    As I said to the bank manager,
    

    As I said to the [nasty] bank manager,
    "I'm just not exactly a fan of yer"




- [nasty] = scantion fix
- *my* rules allow a man-fan rhyme, and er-er rhyme, so there!

    As I said to the [nasty] bank manager, 
    "I'm just not exactly a fan of yer"
    "Your rules aren't mine"
    "And that's just fine"
    "Because you're a limerick mangler"
    
    
    If you can replace the 'ag' with 'of', I can replace it with 'gl'.

    
    There once was a man away from home
    

    
    There once was a man far from home
    Who packed but a brush and a comb.
    
    
    "away" --> "far" = scantion fix.

    
    There once was a man far from home
    Who packed but a brush and a comb.
         When he soiled his suit,
    
    
    

    nit...
    
    >    "away" --> "far" = scantion fix.
                            --------
                     s/b    scansion   (according to American Heritage)

    There once was a man far from home
    Who packed but a brush and a comb.
         When he soiled his suit,
         He attempted to scoot
    

    There once was a man far from home
    Who packed but a brush and a comb.
         When he soiled his suit,
         He attempted to scoot
    Saying, "No more will I visit in Nome."

    Now, Nome is well known for its cold air.

    Now, Nome is well known for [its] cold air
    As well as a large polar bear
    

    
    Now, Nome is well known for cold air
    As well as a large polar bear.
    Its Eskimo Pies
    Are extra-large size

    Now, Nome is well known for [its] cold air
    As well as a large polar bear.
      Its location is strange,
      Sort of, "Nome on the range".
    
    
    All this brouhaha about the correct scantion/scansion in
    limericks is a bit overmuch.  I've looked at some classic
    limericks and found that there is quite a varity of meter
    used.  In Asimov & Ciardi's book "Limericks : Too Gross",
    a collection of 2 times 144 limericks, they don't use any
    set number of meters in lines 1,2&5 or 3&4.  Some first
    lines have 8 meters, some 9 or 10, some even with 11.
    
    The "most-correct" acceptable form seems to be:
    
        da-da duh da-da duh da-da duh
        da-da duh da-da duh da-da duh
          da-da duh da-da duh
          da-da duh da-da duh
        da-da duh da-da duh da-da duh
    
    But variations should be as enjoyable too.

    To finish off both replys from the notes collision...


    
    Now, Nome is well known for cold air
    As well as a large polar bear.
    Its Eskimo Pies
    Are extra-large size
    But baked Alaska is rare.


    Now, Nome is well known for [its] cold air
    As well as a large polar bear.
      Its location is strange,
      Sort of, "Nome on the range".
    Be sure to bring long underwear!

    
    
    A limerick poet named Peter
    got all confused by the meter.
    
    

    A limerick poet named Peter
    got all confused by the meter
       He wrote, "da-da duh da

    
    A limerick poet named Peter
    got all confused by the meter
       He wrote, "da-da duh da
       "Duh-duh da-da-da,"
    And thought that it couldn't sound sweeter.
    
    A calliope maker in France

    
    A calliope maker in France
    Found sounds that prompted a trance
    
    

    
    A calliope maker in France
    Found sounds that prompted a trance.
    	Splendiferous vision
    	By his pipes Parisian
    

    A calliope maker in France
    Found sounds that prompted a trance.
    	Splendiferous vision
    	By his pipes Parisian
    To finish, he turns and drops his pants.

    There was an old sailor from London

    There was an old sailor from London
    Who was retired all of a sudden
    

    There was an old sailor from London
    Who was retired all of a sudden
        Now when drinking his suds



Dave C.

    There was an old sailor from London
    Who was retired all of a sudden
        Now when drinking his suds
        With some french fri-ed spuds

    
    There was an old sailor from London
    Who was retired all of a sudden
        Now when drinking his suds
        With some french fri-ed spuds
    He would play that he was Allen Ludden.
    
    
    Allen Ludden was the emcee of _The G.E. College Bowl_ television
    quiz show.
    
    
    A teddy bear shot from a gun

	A teddy bear shot from a gun
	Thought to himself, "This is such fun!"

    A teddy bear shot from a gun
    Thought to himself, "This is such fun!"
      "But that darn silencer
    
    

    
    A teddy bear shot from a gun
    Thought to himself, "This is such fun!"
      "But that darn silencer
      "Really ruffles my fur!"

    A teddy bear shot from a gun
    Thought to himself, "This is such fun!"
      "But that darn silencer
      "Really ruffles my fur!"
    And now my poor buns are well done!"
    
    

    Three snails slithered in to L. A.
    
    
    

    
    Three snails slithered in to L. A.
    On a nearly abandoned highway.

    Three snails slithered in to L. A.
    On a nearly abandoned highway.
      To be on "Jeopardy!"

    
    Three snails slithered in to L.A.
    On a nearly abandoned highway
      To be on "Jeopardy!"
      They met a leopard; she

    Three snails slithered in to L.A.
    On a nearly abandoned highway
      To be on "Jeopardy!"
      They met a leopard; she
    Devoured them; this ruined their day.
    
    i guess this is the best way out of a bad situation
    
    A limerick-buster named Bob

    A limerick-buster named Bob,
    By no means a poetry snob
    

    
    A limerick-buster named Bob,
    By no means a poetry snob
       Developed a plan
       To minimize scan

    A limerick-buster named Bob,
    By no means a poetry snob
       Developed a plan
       To minimize scan
    I had too, it's part of my job.  ;-)

    
    A redoubtable bandit named John
    

    A redoubtable bandit named John
    Felt himself playing the role of a pawn

    
    A redoubtable bandit names John
    Felt himself playing the role of a pawn
    If it weren't for a maid

    A redoubtable bandit named John
    Felt himself playing the role of a pawn
      If it weren't for a maid
      Whom he hadn't yet paid
    
    

    A redoubtable bandit named John
    Felt himself in the role of a pawn.
    	If it weren't for a maid
    	Whom he hadn't yet paid,
    P'raps a knight with a white cockade on.
    

    "I plum-forgot the peaches," said Cherry
    

    "I plum-forgot the peaches," said Cherry
    "While on my way to the farm, Knott's Berry."

    "I plum-forgot the peaches,"said Cherry
    "While on my way to the farm, Knott's Berry."
    "You're still the apple of my eye."

    "I plum-forgot the peaches," said Cherry,
    "While on my way to the farm, Knott's Berry."
         "You're still the apple of my eye,
          When bananas you fry,"


Dave C.

    "I plum-forgot the peaches," said Cherry,
    "While on my way to the farm, Knott's Berry."
       "You're still the apple of my eye,
       When bananas you fry,"
    "So just for you I made some apricot sherry."
    
    

    I ran across a friend of mine,
    

    I ran across a friend of mine,
    Asked he, "Shall together we dine?"

    I ran across a friend of mine,
    Asked he, "Shall together we dine?"
      And after the food,
      If you're in the mood,

    I ran across a friend of mine
    Asked he, "Shall together we dine?"
      And after the food
      If you're in the mood,
    May I suggest this fine wine.
    
    Wine always makes me feel giddie
    

        Wine always makes be feel giddie
        Makes me laugh like a little kiddie

        Wine always makes be feel giddie
        Makes me laugh like a little kiddie
            Be it white or it red
            When I end up in bed



Dave C.

        Wine always makes be feel giddie
        Makes me laugh like a little kiddie
            Be it white or it red
            When I end up in bed
        I can't sleep.  It's downright perfidy.

Look that up in your old Funk & Wagnall's.

    
Look that up in your old Funk & Wagnall's.
It's as clear as a new railroad sagnal:
    
    
    I feel like a pig
    To say "sag" 'stead of "sig."    

    Look that up in your old Funk & Wagnall's.
    It's as clear as a new railroad sagnal:
      But if Webster's digresses,
    
    

    Look that up in your old Funk and Wagnall's.
    It's as clear as a new railroad sagnal:
    	But if Webster's digresses,
    	Use Digital Press's.
    

    Look that up in your old Funk and Wagnall's.
    It's as clear as a new railroad sagnal:
    	But if Webster's digresses,
    	Use Digital Press's.
    Cuz Webster's was an interregnal.    

(I dunno.  Was it?)

    If you really don't know how to spell it

    If you really don't know how to spell it
    Be creative; you may get half credit

    If you really don't know how to spell it
    Be creative; you may get half credit
    But when truly in doubt

    If you really don't know how to spell it
    Be creative; you may get half credit
      But when the word "genes"
      Gets butchered as "jeans"

    
    If you really don't know how to spell it
    Be creative; you may get half credit
      But when the word "genes"
      Gets butchered as "jeans"
    Be careful if you try to sell it.
    
    An octogenarian soul
    

    
    
    An octogenarian soul
    went out for his evening stroll.
    

    An octogenarian soul
    Went out for his evening stroll
      His shoes they were shined
    
    

    An octogenarian soul
    Went out for his evening stroll
      His shoes they were shined
      Happy thoughts were in mind

    An octogenarian soul
    Went out for his evening stroll,
    	His shoes, they were shined,
    	Happy thoughts were in mind;
    He flashed an old lady. How droll.
    

    A small inconspicuous vicar
    Had a hard time holding his liquor
    

    A small inconspicuous vicar
    Whose favorite chair's made of wicker
    
    

    A small inconspicuous vicar
    Had a hard time holding his liquor
      Quoth he, Nash handy,
      "Candy is dandy
    But -- a wee bit o' -- liquor is quicker"


    [had to finish off the thought]

    Though he said that he didn't quaff much,

    Though he said that he didn't quaff much,
    And he showed us how bare was his hutch,


Dave C.

    Though he said that he didn't quaff much,
    And he showed us how bare was his hutch,
    The evidence grew

    Though he said that he didn't quaff much,
    And he showed us how bare was his hutch,
    The evidence grew
    When the paroquet mew,



I'm not sure.... is "mew" the past tense of "miaow"?
*My* cat agreed... :-)

Arie

    Though he said that he didn't quaff much,
    And he showed us how bare was his hutch,
    	The evidence grew
    	When the paroquet mew,
    "Hey bartender, whiskey...How much ?"
    
    
    
    The paroquet flew out the door
    

    The parakeet flew out the door
    Squawking, "I just cain't take this no more!"
    
    

    
    The paroquet flew out the door
    Squawking, "Bartender, pour me one more!"

    The parakeet flew out the door
    Squawking, "I just cain't take this no more!"
    Well, now, who did he meet


ParaKEET!?!?  I was just getting used to paraKWET!  Then there's budgies,
particularly the one belonging to Mrs. Essence.  (Or was it Mrs. Conclusion?)

    The parakeet flew out the door
    Squawking, "I just cain't take this no more!"
    Well, now, who did he meet
    But *Miss* Parakeet
    

    The parakeet flew out the door
    Squawking, "I just cain't take this no more!"
    	Well, now, who[m] did he meet
	But *Miss* Parakeet
    His feathered neighbor and paramour.
    

    The paroquet flew out the door
    Squawking, "Bartender, pour me one more!"
    	The vicar gave chase
    

    
    The paroquet flew out the door
    Squawking, "Bartender, pour me one more!"
        The vicar gave chase
    	Cause the bird had a case

    The paroquet flew out the door
    Squawking, "Bartender, pour me one more!"
        The vicar gave chase
    	Cause the bird had a case
    Of brandy from 1964.

    There's nothing worse than a drunken bird

    There's nothing worse than a drunken bird,
    Save a vicar who slurs the Lord's Word
    

    There's nothing worse than a drunken bird,
    Save a vicar who slurs the Lord's Word
        The vicar slurred, "Hey ain't you heard?
        As the song says, 'The bird is the word.'"




There I go again, quoting from songs of the sixties.

Dave C.

    
    There's nothing worse than a drunken bird,
    Save a vicar who slurs the Lord's Word
        The vicar slurred, "Hey ain't you heard?
        As the song says, 'The bird is the word.'"
    Sighed the bishop, "... The sins you've incurred!"

    
    A phenomenal cockroach named Clem

        A phenomenal cockroach named Clem
        Who was coughing up huge gobs of phlegm

        A phenomenal cockroach named Clem
        Who was coughing up huge gobs of phlegm
	  With a mighty "Harumph!"

        A phenomenal cockroach named Clem
        Who was coughing up huge gobs of phlegm
            With a mighty "Harumph!"
            He coughed up a clumph,



Dave C.

        A phenomenal cockroach named Clem
        Who was coughing up huge gobs of phlegm
            With a mighty "Harumph!"
            He coughed up a clumph,
	"Now that one - it *was* a real gem."

	The cockroach was scrounging for supper

    The cockroach was scrounging for supper
    In the food-saving ware known as "tupper"
    
    

    The cockroach was scrounging for supper
    In the food-saving ware known as "tupper"
      It ate its way through

    The cockroach was scrounging for supper
    In the food-saving ware known as "tupper"
      It ate its way through
	A month-old beef stew

    
    The cockroach was scrounging for supper
    In the food-saving ware known as "tupper"
      It ate its way through
      A month-old beef stew
    Which sent it on a heavenly upper.
    
    
    (play funereal dirge for roach here...)
    
    

    
    
    As Dan Quayle remarked to Marilyn (his wife)
    
    

    As Dan Quayle remarked to Marilyn           ...  (his wife)
    "This job beats conscription imperillin'"   ...  (soldier's life)

    As Dan Quayle remarked to Marilyn            ... (his wife)
    "This job beats conscription imperillin'"    ... (soldier's life)
    "And I have been in the limelight so much"
    

    As Dan Quayle remarked to Marilyn            ... (his wife)
    "This job beats conscription imperillin'"    ... (soldier's life)
    "And I have been in the limelight so much"
    "As a token VP, or some such,"    

    As Dan Quayle remarked to Marilyn		...(his wife)
    "This job beats conscription imperillin'"	...(soldier's life)
    "And I have been in the limelight so much"
    "As a token VP, or some such,"
    "It' a good thing nothing is doin."
    
    
    George was your ideal yuppie

    
    George was your ideal [of a] yuppie,
    As sleek as a freshly groomed puppy.
    

    George was your ideal [of a] yuppie,
    As sleek as a freshly groomed puppy.
    His backhand was honed

    George was your ideal [of a] yuppie,
    As sleek as a freshly groomed puppy.
	His backhand was honed,
	His herring, 'twas boned

    George was your ideal [of a] yuppie,
    As sleek as a freshly groomed puppy.
	His backhand was honed,
	His herring, 'twas boned
    Polyester made him hiccupy.

    A hardware engineer named Steven,

    A hardware engineer named Steven,
    Decided it was time to get even

    A hardware engineer named Steven,
    Decided it was time to get even
	He took a large VAX

    A hardware engineer named Steven,
    Decided it was time to get even
	He took a large VAX
	With a cup of Ex-Lax(tm)

    A hardware engineer named Steven,
    Decided it was time to get even
      He took a large VAX
      With a cup of Ex-Lax (tm)
    And now his whole family is grievin'
    
    

    
    One glorious Monday in Brookline,
    
    

    
    One glorious Monday in Brookline,
    Some thugs got onto the Green Line

    One glorious Monday in Brookline,
    Some thugs got onto the Green Line
       With robbery their goal

    
    One glorious Monday in Brookline,
    Some thugs got onto the Green Line
       With robbery their goal
       And, oh! What they stole!

    One glorious Monday in Brookline,
    Some thugs got onto the Green Line
       With robbery their goal
       And, oh! What they stole!
    Every single, ten and twenty of mine.
    

    
    I once knew a dancer in Fresno, CA;
    
    

    I once knew a dancer in Fresno, CA;
    Who worked in a place called the "Yes No Bar".      



(In Bahston, that's pronounced, "Yes No Bah.")

Dave C.

    I once knew a dancer in Fresno, CA;
    Who worked in a place call the "Yes No Bar."
    Her dance was performed with three large snakes
    

    I once knew a dancer in Fresno, CA;
    Who worked in a place call the "Yes No Bar."
    Her dance was performed  [ ...  with three large snakes]
    The audience it warmed   [ ...  that's all it takes]

    I once knew a dancer in Fresno, CA;
    Who worked in a place call the "Yes No Bar."
    Her dance was performed  [ ...  with three large snakes]
    The audience it warmed   [ ...  that's all it takes]
    Like the afternoon sun in September.
    
    There once was a lady named White
    

    
    There once was a lady named White
    Who truly loved flying a kite
    
    

   
    
    
    There once was a lady named White
    Who truly loved flying a kite
    But her tail became snared

    
    There once was a lady named White
    Who truly loved flying a kite
       But her tail became snared
       And her audience stared,
    'Cause they thought that she'd done it for spite.

    There was a computer so bright

    There was a computer so bright
    That shined all the day and at night

    There was a computer so bright
    That shined all the day and at night
    The scholar who had programmed it
    Was really a twitt
    

    There was a computer so bright
    That shined all the day and at night
         The scholar who had programmed it
         Was really a twitt
    Whose idea of proper syntax not to mention meter was a fright.


    Once a computer named HAL

Dave C.

There once was a computer named HAL
    Thinking Dave was his best pal     
    
    

There once was a computer named HAL
Which thought Dave was its very best pal
    Till one day in Space
    It grabbed Dave in a place
That makes him now sing like a Gal' !    
                                
    
    - DK    
    

Dave's voice is now really quite high

    Dave's voice is now really quite high
    he wears trousers without any fly
                             
    Lee

    
    Dave's voice is now really quite high
    He wears trousers without any fly
           In order to "go,"
           The guards make him show

    Dave's voice is now really quite high
    He wears trousers without any fly 
            In order to "go,"
            The guards makes him show 
    What's left of what makes him a guy.

You once could do neat things with EDT



duh DUH duh duh DUH duh duh DUH duh duh
(last three are double-time - my favorite limerick pattern)

    You once could do neat things with EDT
    If you could get a repeated "t"

    You once could do neat things with EDT
    If you could get a repeated "t"
        Now with TPU's "DO"




Dave C.

    You once could do neat things with EDT
    If you could get a repeated "t"
        Now with TPU's "DO"
        And EMACS from GNU

    You once could do neat things with EDT
    If you could get a repeated "t"
        Now with TPU's "DO"
        And EMACS from GNU
    Those keystrokes are a real oddity.
    
    There once was a molester in Leicester

    There once was a molester in Leicester
    (His brother's a jester named Lester)

    There once was a molester in Leicester
    (His brother's a jester named Lester)
      His crime did seemed badder
      'Cause he used a ladder
    To grab the second floor Trieste-er

    A drunken old bum from Rome

    A drunken old bum from Rome
    Could not stay away from the foam
    

    A drunken old bum from Rome
    Could not stay away from the foam
    Tho' most called him a rummy
    Because the expanse of his tummy
    

    A drunken old bum from Rome
    Could not stay away from the foam
        Tho' most called him a rummy
        Because the expanse of his tummy
    Allowed him to roll himself home.



    I need a first line for this poem


Dave C.

    I need a first line for this poem
    About a man who was a golem

    There was a girl with eyes of blue

    There was a girl with eyes of blue.
    She had a pearl, a prize of true
        love she got from him,
        the guy whose name was Jim.



(I got carried away.)

Dave C.

    There was a girl with eyes of blue.
    She had a pearl, a prize of true
        love she got from him,
        the guy whose name was Jim.
    Uhhh, and her name was Sue.


    Now Jim was all mushy - he loved her

    
    Now Jim was all mushy - he loved her
    He flowered, and candied, and doved her.

    
    
    Now Jim Was all mushy - he loved her
    He flowered, and candied, and doved her.
    He was smitten, entranced,
    But she spurned his advance.

    Now Jim was all mushy - he loved her
    He flowered, and candied, and doved her.
    But the advances failed

    Now Jim was all mushy - he loved her
    He flowered, and candied, and doved her.
      But the advances failed
      Poor, hurt Jim, he wailed
    
    

    
    Now Jim Was all mushy - he loved her
    He flowered, and candied, and doved her.
    He was smitten, entranced,
    But she spurned his advance.
    So into the dustbin he shoved her.

    Now Jim was all mushy - he loved her
    He flowered, and candied, and doved her.
      But the advances failed
      Poor, hurt Jim, he wailed
    "I wish in `rejects' I'd have stuffed her."    
    

    
    There once was a six-bit computer

    There once was a six-bit computer
    But nobody know how to boot her

    There once was a six-bit computer
    But nobody know how to boot her
      The console was strange

    There once was a six-bit computer
    But nobody knew how to boot her
      The console was strange;
      Its LEDs were arranged

    There once was a six-bit computer
    But nobody knew how to boot her
      The console was strange;
      Its LEDs were arranged
    Like dominoes.  Now how do we shoot her?

    A VAXStation's tube smashes nicely

    
    A VAXStation's tube smashes nicely
    As glass shards scatter quite ricely
    
    
    Re "ricely" -- as in the way rice scatters at weddings.

    A VAXStation's tube smashes nicely
    As glass shards scatter quite ricely
    Into a million small bits
    

    A VAXStation's tube smashes nicely
    As glass shards scatter quite ricely
    Into a million small bits
    "Those are bytes!", he insits.

(intentional typo)

    
    A VAXStation's tube smashes nicely
    As glass shards scatter quite ricely
    Into a million small bits
    "Those are bytes!", he insits.
    But they cut up the manuals dicely.

    
    A snowslide began on the Alps

    
    A snowslide began on the Alps
    And the victims cried out their "HALP's".
    

    A snowslide began on the Alps
    And the victims cried out their "HALP's".
    They ran for a cave
    With hopes it would save

    A snowslide began on the Alps
    And the victims cried out their "HALP's".
    They ran for a cave
    With hopes it would save
    Their lives, not to mention their scalps

    On a blustery day in the fall

    On a blustery day in the fall
    A tree that was once very tall

    On a blustery day in the fall
    A tree that was once very tall
    Became suddenly short

    
    On a blustery day in the fall
    A tree that was once very tall
      Became suddenly short
      In fact, it looked sort
    

    On a blustery day in the fall
    A tree that was once very tall
      Became suddenly short
      In fact, it looked sort
    Of soundless; No-one heard it fall.

    Does anyone out there like music
    

    Does anyone out there like music?
    Like Beethoven - yeah!  Not like blues.  Icck!

    
    Does anyone out there like music?
    Like Beethoven - yeah!  Not like blues.  Icck!
    Dvorak or Brahms --
    The music that calms

    
    Does anyone out there like music?
    Like Beethoven - yeah!  Not like blues.  Icck!
    Dvorak or Brahms --
    The music that calms
    Not hard rock which really makes you-sick.
    
    A man bought a new CD player

    A man bought a new CD player
    For music he had such a flair

    
    
    A man bought a new CD player
    For music he had such a flair
       That even the marches
       Affected the arches

    A man bought a new CD player
    For music he had such a flair
       That even the marches
       Affected the arches
    The toes and the heels and the hair.


    A FAX of a VAX at LAX

    A FAX of a VAX at LAX
    Showed an image of JOYOFLEX

    A FAX of a VAX at LAX
    Showed an image of JOYOFLEX
    It looked a bit ASCII

    
    A FAX of a VAX at LAX
    Showed an image of JOYOFLEX
      It looked a bit ASCII
      And transmission-masky,

    A FAX of a VAX at LAX
    Showed an image of JOYOFLEX
      It looked a bit ASCII
      And transmission-masky,
    Which means you can't read the tex'
    
    The Impressionist, Auguste Renoir

    The Impressionist, Auguste Renoir
    Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar

    The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
    Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
    So he called up his friend, Ed Degas

    
    The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
    Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
      So he called up his friend, Ed Degas
      And asked him, "Can you sense from afar 

    The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
    Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
      So he called up his friend,
      Ed Degas, he was then,
    And asked him, "Can you sense from afar 

    How desparate the need is to clean it?"

Pardon my fix? from this:
    The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
    Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
      So he called up his friend, Ed Degas
      And asked him, "Can you sense from afar 

    The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
    Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
      So he called up his friend,
      Ed Degas, he was then,
    And asked him, "Can you sense from afar 

    How desparate the need is to clean it?"
	Replied Ed, "Not without a brief respite."

    The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
    Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
      So he called up his friend,
      Ed Degas, he was then,
    And asked him, "Can you sense from afar 

    How desparate the need is to clean it?"
    Replied Ed, "Not without a brief respite."
	He napped until nine	

      The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
        Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
          So he called up his friend,
          Ed Degas, he was then,
        And asked him, "Can you sense from afar
    
        How desparate the need is to clean it?"
        Replied Ed, "Not without a brief respite."
            He napped until nine
            And awoke just in time
    	To open his safe and retrieve it.
    
    	Said Ed "One day this will be famous;
    	My friend Auguste's works are not num'rous."          
    

                     <<< Note 705.661 by MARVIN::MACHIN >>>
                                    -< ... >-

      The Impressionist, Auguste Renior
        Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
          So he called up his friend,
          Ed Degas, he was then,
        And asked him, "Can you sense from afar
    
        How desparate the need is to clean it?"
        Replied Ed, "Not without a brief respite."
            He napped until nine
            And awoke just in time
    	To open his safe and retrieve it.
    
    	Said Ed "One day this will be famous;
    	My friend Auguste's works are not num'rous."          
		"I'll stash it away,    

      The Impressionist, Auguste Renoir
      Once misplaced his brush-cleaning jar
          So he called up his friend,
          Ed Degas, he was then,
      And asked him, "Can you sense from afar
    
      How desparate the need is to clean it?"
      Replied Ed, "Not without a brief respite."
          He napped until nine
          And awoke just in time
      To open his safe and retrieve it.
    
      Said Ed "One day this will be famous;
      My friend Auguste's works are not num'rous."
          "I'll stash it away,
          And then maybe someday
      Profits will be quite enormous!
    
    
    
     There once was a poor hemophiliac

    
    There once was a poor hemophiliac
    Who wore mail to shield him from an attack.
    
    
    "Chain mail" was a form of early Medieval armor. 

    
    There once was a poor hemophiliac
    Who wore mail to shield him from an attack.
	But a chink in his armor

    There once was a poor hemophiliac
    Who wore mail to shield him from an attack.
	But a chink in his armor
        One day let in a big burr

    
    There once was a poor hemophiliac
    Who wore mail to shield him from an attack.
	But a chink in his armor
        One day let in a big burr
    And all the mourners cried loudly, "Alas, alack!" 
                                                    
    
    A Polynesian explorer named Lo

    
    A Polynesian explorer named Lo
    On a river got stuck in the flow

    A Polynesian explorer named Lo
    Decided he would like to see some snow

    A Polynesian explorer named Lo
        On a river got stuck in the flow
        For more than a month

    A Polynesian explorer named Lo
    On a river got stuck in the flow
    For more than a month
    And more than just onth

    A Polynesian explorer named Lo
    On a river got stuck in the flow
    For more than a month
    And more than just onth
	He prayed that the flow would be low


    In Kentucky the grass is so blue

    In Kentucky the grass is so blue
    and of such a spectacular hue
    
    

    
    
    In Kentucky the grass is so blue
    And of such a spectacular hue
       That all of the horses
       Finish up their grass courses

    In Kentucky the grass is so blue
    And of such a spectacular hue
       That all of the horses
       Finish up their grass courses
    And then run in circles -- they do!
    
    There once was a man from Featherstonehaugh
                              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    [Y'all know that's pronounced "fanshaw", right?]

    There once was a man from Featherstonehaugh
                              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    [Y'all know that's pronounced "fanshaw", right?]

    Who was sad to see his snow m-eatherstone th-augh

   <<< Note 705.676 by GLIVET::RECKARD "Jon Reckard, 381-0878, ZKO3-2/T63" >>>
                                    -< ii >-

    There once was a man from Featherstonehaugh
                              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    [Y'all know that's pronounced "fanshaw", right?]

    Who was sad to see his snow m-eatherstone th-augh
	He tried ice and a featherstone

                                        -< iii >-

    There once was a man from Featherstonehaugh
                              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    [Y'all know that's pronounced "fanshaw", right?]

    Who was sad to see his snow m-eatherstone th-augh
	He tried ice and a featherstone       
        Caught the drips in a pan, 
        
    (if featherstone=fan)    
    
                                                                     

    There once was a man from Featherstonehaugh
    Who was sad to see his snow m-eatherstone th-augh
      He tried ice and a featherstone
      Caught the drips in a pan,
    But it was too late; such is the physical law
    
    
    

    A race-car driver named Hempstead
    

    A race-car driver named Hempstead
    Smoked dope (they called him hemp head).

    A race-car driver named Hempstead
    Smoked dope (they called him hemp head).
	His bong, it was said,

    A race-car driver named Hempstead
    Smoked dope )they called him hemp head)
        His bong, it was said,
        Was made out of lead,
    Which caused him to finish last instead.
    
    Yummping Yiminny what a man
    

    Yummping Yiminny what a man
    Kicking cans wherever he can

    Yummping Yiminny what a man
    Kicking cans wherever he can
       (Once, a D.I.
       Kicked mine a mile high.)



Dave C.

    Yummping Yiminny what a man
    Kicking cans wherever he can
      (Once, a D.I.
      Kicked mine a mile high.)
    Cause I jogged while the 
    whole company ran.
    
    Lee

    
    "Debbie"'s a name that's quite common.

    
    "Debbie"'s a name that's quite common.
    It causes problems when you want to summon
        one Debbie, not three
    
    

    "Debbie"'s a name that's quite common.
    It causes problems when you want to summon
        one Debbie, not three.
        Even down in "Big D"

    "Debbie"'s a name that's quite common.
    It causes problems when you want to summon
        one Debbie, not three.
        Even down in "Big D"
    Calling "Debbie!" does always bring someone.
    
    
    Maybe I shouldn't have written "Debbie Does..."? 

    Maybe I shouldn't have written "Debbie Does..."? 
    Mayhap it depends on where Debbie was.

    
    Maybe I shouldn't have written "Debbie Does..."? 
    Mayhap it depends on where Debbie was.
         Putting Deb on a ship
         May ensure quite a trip
    
    
    Now, now: she could be Cruise Director.

    Maybe I shouldn't have written "Debbie Does..."?
    Mayhap it depends on where Debbie was.
      Putting Deb on a ship
      May ensure quite a trip
    Stop thinking those thoughts, you scuzz!
    
    

    
    Yesterday was Friday the thirteenth,

    
    Yesterday was Friday the thirteenth,
    but by now its already the sixteenth.
    

    
    Yesterday was Friday the thirteenth,
    but by now its already the sixteenth.
    It's taken some time,
    to come up with a rhyme,    

        Yesterday was Friday the thirteenth,
        but by now its already the sixteenth.
        	It's taken some time,
        	to come up with a rhyme,
        Into which we could sink our teeth.
        
        A limerick's very first line

    A limerick's very first line
    Sends chills up my spine
    To think I am part
    

    A limerick's very first line
    Sends chills up my [meter-less] spine
    To think I am part
    Of such wonderful art

    
    A limerick's very first line
    Sends chills up my [meter-less] spine
      To think I am part
      Of such wonderful art
    Makes me wish to opine and opine.
    
    There once was a camera nut

    There once was a camera nut
	Who's aperture wouldn't stay shut.

    There once was a camera nut
    Who's aperture wouldn't stay shut.
	His lens would peer out

    

    There once was a camera nut
    Who's aperture wouldn't stay shut.
	His lens would peer out
        As he panned all about

    

    There once was a camera nut
    Who's aperture wouldn't stay shut.
	His lens would peer out
        As he panned all about
    To view backward, forward, and front.

    Dear Tipper felt this was too smutty
    

    Dear Tipper felt this was too smutty
    So she covered the lens up with putty

    
    
    Dear Tipper felt this was too smutty
    So she covered the lens up with putty
    Now the view is pristine
    Like the Chapel, Sistine

    
    
    Dear Tipper felt this was too smutty
    So she covered the lens up with putty
    Now the view is pristine
    Like the Chapel, Sistine
    But I think using the putty was nutty!
    
    A transplant from Mass. lived in Nashua
    
    
    (How's that for a challenge?)

    
    A transplant from Mass. lived in Nashua	<- "Nash-oo-ay"
    He had tired of giving his cashua		<- "cash-oo-ay"

    A transplant from Mass. lived in Nashua	<- "Nash-oo-ay"
    He had tired of giving his cashua		<- "cash-oo-ay"
    So he donned a ski mask

    A transplant from Mass. lived in Nashua	<- "Nash-oo-ay"
    He had tired of giving his cashua		<- "cash-oo-ay"
	So he donned a ski mask
    	Took a sip from his flask

    
    A transplant from Mass. lived in Nashua	<- "Nash-oo-ay"
    He had tired of giving his cashua		<- "cash-oo-ay"
	So he donned a ski mask
    	Took a sip from his flask
    And brushed all the dust got in Mashua      <- "Mass-oo-ay"
                                                            
    There once was a transplant in Frisco

    There once was a transplant from Frisco
    Who made sour dough bread in Crisco   (Vegatable Shortening)

        There once was a transplant from Frisco
        Who made sour dough bread in Crisco   (Vegatable Shortening)
        The oil from his pan

        There once was a transplant from Frisco
        Who made sour dough bread in Crisco   (Vegatable Shortening)
        The oil from his pan
	Caught fire. His Tappan		      (Oven/Range brand)

    
        There once was a transplant from Frisco
        Who made sour dough bread in Crisco   (Vegatable Shortening)
        The oil from his pan
	Caught fire. His Tappan		      (Oven/Range brand)
        burned right down to a crisp. OH!

The sourdough he fried was *real* chewy

    The sourdough he fried was *real* chewy
    Tried to toast it but turned out goowy

    The sourdough he fried was *real* chewy
    Tried to toast it but turned out goowy
    	So he gave it a shake
    	(Helped out by the quake)

    
    
    The sourdough he fried was *real* chewy
    Tried to toast it but turned out goowy
    	So he gave it a shake
    	(Helped out by the quake)
    But that made it even more gluewy.
    
    

    
    
    A butter importer named Fred

    
    A butter importer named Fred 
    Kept slipping out of his bed

    A butter importer named Fred 
    Kept slipping out of his bed
      "It's those smooth satin sheets,

    A butter importer named Fred 
    Kept slipping out of his bed
      "It's those smooth satin sheets,
       Not the butter I eats,

    A butter importer named Fred 
    Kept slipping out of his bed
      "It's those smooth satin sheets,
       Not the butter I eats,
    But they've had no child since they wed.

Although they were without child,

    
    
    Although they were without child,
    A pet store would drive them both wild.

    
    Although they were without child,
    A pet store would drive them both wild.
         Between the cages of puppies
         and the tank full of guppies

    Although they were without child,
    A pet store would drive them both wild.
         Between the cages of puppies
         and the tank full of guppies
    They'd make love -- and be most reviled.
    
    The puppies and guppies would watch

    
    The puppies and guppies would watch,
    Not considering it was a blotch

    The puppies and guppies would watch,
    Not considering it was a blotch
    Were yuppies there too?

    
    The puppies and guppies would watch,
    Not considering it was a blotch
       Were yuppies there too?
       (Oh, my!  What a stew!)
    Was everyone there but Ed Koch?
    
    
    Presented as a service, since it's hard to get an ".. atch" word
    without edging on the risque.
    
    Re "risque":
    
    Some years ago, I heard of a teenage daughter who, on reading an
    older book, called out, "Dad, what the f*** does `risque' mean?"

    
    Nightclub comics tend to be quite risque.
    

    Nightclub comics tend to be quite risque
    They use words that make some run away

    Nightclub comics tend to be quite risque
    They use words that make some run away
    The one that sounds best

    Nightclub comics tend to be quite risque
    They use words that make some run away
	    The one that sounds best
	    Has to do with the chest

    Nightclub comics tend to be quite risque
    They use words that make some run away
	    The one that sounds best
	    Has to do with the chest
    And the things you can do there in play

    The audience tittered that night
    

    
    The audience tittered that night
    The view, anatomically right

    The audience tittered that night
    The view, anatomically right
    Though smaller than most
    Just consider the host
    

    The audience tittered that night
    The view, anatomically right
      Though smaller than most
      Just consider the host
    And that wondrous, incredible sight
    

    
    A once-famous teacher of science
    

    A once-famous teacher of science
    With ethics had just no compliance

    
    
    A once-famous teacher of science
    With ethics had just no compliance
          So he gave his hee-haws
          To most natural laws

    A once-famous teacher of science
    With ethics had just no compliance
          So he gave his hee-haws
          To most natural laws
    And tried to invent an appliance.
    
    He ignored conservation of energy

    
    He ignored conservation of energy
    And relied instead upon syzygy

    He ignored conservation of energy
    And relied instead upon syzygy
    Newton's laws he did spurn

    He ignored conservation of energy
    And relied instead upon syzygy
	Newton's laws he did spurn
	Thus, his world did not turn

    
    
    
    He ignored conservation of energy
    And relied instead upon syzygy
        Newton's laws he did spurn
        Thus, his world did not turn
    But was mired forever in lethargy
    
    
    The ghosts and the goblins were haunting

    The ghosts and the goblins were haunting
    Young children they were taunting

        The ghosts and the goblins were haunting
        Young children they were taunting
        	The witch in her hat

    The ghosts and the goblins were haunting,
    Young children they were taunting.
    The witch in her hat,
    With her large, black cat

    
    The ghosts and the goblins were haunting,
    Young children they were taunting.
      The witch in her hat,
      With her large, black cat
    Created an atmosphere most daunting.
    
    

    
    A nuclear physicist named Stanley
    

	A nuclear physicist named Stanley
	Wanted to prove he was manly

	A nuclear physicist named Stanley
	Wanted to prove he was manly
    	  He started a brawl
          At the local dance hall

    A nuclear physicist names Stanley
    Wanted to prove he was manly
      He started a brawl
      At the local dance hall
    Proved he was manly not friendly
    
    Mrs Johnson showed her distain
    
    

    Mrs Johnson showed her distain
    With her often cutting refrain
    

    Mrs Johnson showed her distain
    With her often cutting refrain
    "Will you please take your poem

    
    
    
    Mrs Johnson showed her distain
    With her often cutting refrain
       "Will you please take your poem
       "With you and go hoem?"
    It really caused poor poets pain.

    
    
    
    A vampire stirred in his box

    
    A vampire stirred in his box
    As he dreamed of fresh bagels and lox
    

    A vampire stirred in his box 
    As he dreamed of fresh bagels and lox 
          But the sun it did shine

    A vampire stirred in his box 
    As he dreamed of fresh bagels and lox 
          But the sun it did shine
          'Pon his visage sublime  [excuse me, "subline"]

    A vampire stirred in his box 
    As he dreamed of fresh bagels and lox 
          But the sun it did shine
          'Pon his visage sublime  [excuse me, "subline"]
    ("I forgot to wind up those old clocks!")

    The clocks that were slow were cuckoo

    
    
    The clocks that were slow were cuckoo
    As were those that came from Timbuckt(oo)

    The clocks that were slow were cuckoo
    As were those that came from Timbuckt(oo)
    Each day those clocks were wound
    By little old men all over town

    The clocks that were slow were cuckoo
    As were those that came from Timbuckt(oo)
    Each day those clocks were wound
    By little old men all over town
    As they secretly incanted in voodoo.

    There's a widget whose function is printing.

    There's a widget whose function is printing;
    'Cross the screen to the port it goes sprinting

    There's a widget whose function is printing;
    'Cross the screen to the port it goes sprinting
       Down the wire it slides

    There's a widget whose function is printing;
    'Cross the screen to the port it goes sprinting
       Down the wire it slides
       With a glitch it collides

    
    
    There's a widget whose function is printing;
    'Cross the screen to the port it goes sprinting
       Down the wire it slides
       With a glitch it collides
    And 'stead of printing ... just hinting.
                              
    

    
    
    Halloween's just come ... and gone.

    
    
    Halloween's just come ... and gone.
    Now there's debris all over my lawn.
    

    Halloween's just come ... and gone.
    Now there's debris all over my lawn.
         When those Gremlins came a knockin'

    
    
    
    Halloween's just come ... and gone.
    Now there's debris all over my lawn.
         When those Gremlins came a knockin'
           The front door I was lockin'

    Halloween's just come ... and gone
    Now there's debris all over my lawn.
        When those Gremlins came knockin'
        The front door I was lockin'
    Retribution! ... apparent come dawn!

    ( Boy, is the time on this system messed up!  If it were 20:00 I'd
    have been LONG gone from here.)
    
    						2:45PM EDT!

    Re .777 (and to start the next limerick):
    
    This conference is found 'cross the pond
    

    This conference is found 'cross the pond
    Where, to limericks, no Italians respond
    
    
    (The VISA:: node is in Italy, isn't it?)

    This conference is found 'cross the pond
    Where, to limericks, no Italians respond
         Because, if they did
    
    
    VISA:: est dans la belle France, je pense :-)

    This conference is found 'cross the pond
    Where, to limericks, no Italians respond
         Because, if they did
         The reply'd be set hid

     
    This conference is found 'cross the pond
    Where, to limericks, no Italians respond
         Because, if they did
         The reply'd be set hid
    Fearing untranslated means linguistically conned.
            
    
    Yah, the scantion's awful, but I had few degrees of freedom.
     

    
    
    My trick-or-treat booty tastes best.

    
    My trick-or-treat booty tastes best
    When not poisoned, or fouled by a pest
    

    My trick-or-treat booty tastes best
    When not poisoned, or fouled by a pest
    Ahh!  Those Three Mousqueteers!

(Do these delicious candies make it to the east side of the pond? or under it?)

    My trick-or-treat booty tastes best
    When not poisoned, or fouled by a pest
	Ahh!  Those Three Mousqueteers!
    	Feed me up to my ears
    With calories my weight doth detest.
    
    
    Counting calories is incomprehensible

    
    Counting calories is incomprehensible;
    That is to say, really not sensible.

    Counting calories is incomprehensible;
    That is to say, really not sensible.
    I get up to nine

    Counting calories is incomprehensible;
    That is to say, really not sensible.
    I get up to nine
    Thousand whene'er I dine

    
    Counting calories is incomprehensible;
    That is to say, really not sensible.
       I get up to nine
       Thousand whene'er I dine
    With results that some call reprehensible.
                      

    
    
    Max wouldn't buy sandpaper shorts.

    Max wouldn't buy sandpaper shorts
    In spite of fundament warts.
    	The abrasion, it seems,			("The friction!" he cried,)
    	Was beyond all his dreams,		(Was so bad he near died,)
    And cohorts "rubbed it in" with retorts.

    The next holiday is Thanksgiving

    The next holiday is Thanksgiving
    Off my diet, now thats living

    The next holiday is Thanksgiving
    Off my diet, now thats living
    The turkey's sublime

    
    
    The next holiday is Thanksgiving
    Off my diet, now that's [really] living           [scan fix]
        The turkey's sublime
        And the stuffing's no crime

    
    The last time I went to the airport
    

    The last time I went to the airport
    In order to pick up a cohort

    
    
    The last time I went to the airport
    In order to pick up a cohort
       The flight was delayed;
       So we mounted a raid

    The last time I went to the airport
    In order to pick up a cohort
       The flight was delayed;
       So we mounted a raid
    To sue 'em!  Nothing like a good tort!

        Since Bob did not give a new first line

    Since Bob did not give a new first line
    And Dan a new second did also decline 
    We'll add a new third
    And a fourth.  In a word,

    Since Bob did not give a new first line
    And Dan a new second did also decline 
    We'll add a new third
    And a fourth.  In a word,
    (Or so) does he think he's Devine?

                <<< VISA::USER:[NOTES$LIBRARY]JOYOFLEX.NOTE;1 >>>
                              -< The Joy of Lex >-
================================================================================
Note 733.0                                                            No replies
PAMPAM::HALDANE "Typos to the Trade"                   1 line   6-NOV-1989 13:36
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        A veteran Deccie named Buster,

    
    A veteran Deccie named Buster,
    When asked to create a VAXcluster,*
    
    
    
    
    * Note "VAXcluster" is a trademark and should be used as an adjective,
      as in "VAXcluster system," "VAXcluster implementation," or
    "VAXcluster configuration."  However, since this is internal to
    Digital, it wouldn't hurt the trademark to use "DECspeak."    

    
    A veteran Deccie named Buster,
    When asked to create a VAXcluster,
    Had to RTFM,*
    Oh! Cough, splutter, "Ahem",    
    
    
	*RTFM, for the uninitiated, is tech-writer-speak for "Read the
	Manual".

    A veteran Deccie named Buster,
    When asked to create a VAXcluster,
	Had to RTFM.				(RTFM: "Read the Manual".)
	"Oh!". Cough, splutter, "Ahem".
    Flustered! without knowledge to muster.
    
    
    "VAX" is a Digital trademark

    
    
    
    
    "VAX" is a Digital Trademark
    in performance, "A" is the grademark

    "VAX" is a Digital Trademark
    in performance, "A" is the grademark
    The best of the best
    We'd gladly put to the test
    

    
    "VAX" is a Digital Trademark
    In performance, "A" is the grademark
       The best of the best
       We'd gladly put to the test
    'Cause the tester would not be a paidmark.
    
    A vacuum cleaner's also named VAX

    A vacuum cleaner's also named VAX
    Whose trademark DEC couldn't axe

    A vacuum cleaner's also named VAX
    A trademark DEC couldn't axe.
    	The cleaner was first
    	So Digital cursed

    A vacuum cleaner's also named VAX
    A trademark DEC couldn't axe.
    	The cleaner was first
    	So Digital cursed
    Now DEC's acronym-finders are less lax.

    If you just must hob-nob with the jet set

    
    
    If you just must hob-nob with the jet set,
    And for a wild-type orgy you get set,     

    If you just must hob-nob with the jet set,
    And for a wild-type orgy you get set,     
    Disappointed you'll be
    If there is no orgy

    If you must hob-nob with the jet set,
    And for a wild-type orgy you get set,     
	Disappointed you'll be
	If there is no orgy
    And unfounded hopes must be reset.
    
    Yesterday people voted in Virginia

    
    Yesterday people voted in Virginia
    And New York.  "You got it in ya

    Yesterday people voted in Virginia
    And New York.  "You got it in ya
    The canidates there
    Say that they will be fair  
     
             
    
    

    
    
    Yesterday people voted in Virginia
    And New York.  "You got it in ya
    The candidates there
    Say that they will be fair
    But the old ways just seem to contin-ya
    
    
    Thanksgiving will soon be upon us.

    Thanksgiving will soon be upon us.
    And the food will be a terrible onus.

    
    
    Thanksgiving will soon be upon us.
    And the food will be a terrible onus.
        The stuffing'll be sublime,
        And _our_ stuffing, a crime ...

    
    
    Thanksgiving will soon be upon us.
    And the food will be a terrible onus.
        The stuffing'll be sublime,
        And _our_ stuffing, a crime ...
    the leftovers being served as a bonus.
    
    After Thanksgiving comes Christmas

    Thanksgiving will soon be upon us.
    And the food will be a terrible onus. 
        The stuffing'll be sublime,
        And _our_ stuffing a crime...
    But the leftovers surely a bonus.

    I look forward to this holiday each year
    Surely all of are full of great cheer
    

    
    
    I look forward to this holiday each year
    Surely all of are full of great cheer
        Pumpkins are in pies
        The turkey's king-size
    
    
    
    After Thanksgiving comes Christmas
    From the North Pole right past the Isthmus

    I look forward to this holiday each year
    Surely all of are full of great cheer
        Pumpkins are in pies
        The turkey's king-size
    But the weight scale - I face it with great fear.
    
    
    After Thanksgiving comes Christmas
    From the North Pole right past the Isthmus
        And even beyond.  Yeah!
        To frigid Antarctica.

    
    
    After Thanksgiving comes Christmas
    From the North Pole right past the Isthmus
        And even beyond.  Yeah!
        To frigid Antarctica
    The penguins are not gonna miss us!
    
    
    New Years will start the Nineties,

    
    
    New Years will start the Nineties,
    And many will lift up their pinties.
    
    
    No, not woman's underclothing -- rather, pint-sized tankards.

    New Years will start the Nineties,
    And many will lift up their pinties.
    "L'chaim", they say.

    New Years will start the Nineties,
    And many will lift up their pinties.
    "L'chaim", they say.
    And "Cheers", and "Hey, hey".
    As they fill up their tankards with fine teas.

    East Germans may now cross the border.

    East Germans may now cross the border,
    In a Lada, a train or a Skoda

    East Germans may now cross the border,
    In a Lada, a train or a Skoda
    They get D-Marks one hundred
    

    
    
    
    East Germans may now cross the border,
    In a Lada, a train or a Skoda
    They get D-Marks one hundred
    but the freulines have wondered,
    

    
    
    East Germans may now cross the border,
    In a Lada, a train or a Skoda
    They get D-Marks one hundred
    but the freulines have wondered,
	Just how much caviar they should orda    

(Black market rate is 12 E-marks per W-mark, the 100 W-marks is then
 approx. 1 month's pay)



In Berlin the wall is a-crumblin'

    In Berlin the wall is a-crumblin';
    The Politbureau's [sp?] a-bumblin'.
    	The leader is Krenz		("z" is pronounced "ts"?)
    	With a mind too dense

    In Berlin the wall is a-crumblin';
    The Politbureau's [sp?] a-bumblin'.
    	The leader is Krenz		("z" is pronounced "ts"?)
    	With a mind too dense                               ^^
    Now Modrow is doin' the mumblin'                        yes

    There once was a Platz called Potsdamer

    There once was a Platz called Potsdamer
    Some people went there to jammer
    
    ("jammer", pronounced "yahmmer", means to cry or complain)
    
    Actually, the "a" is a short version of the typical English "ah".  I also
    don't know of an English example of the correct (German) pronunciation
    of the "o" in "Potsdam".  Sort of like a cross between a short O and a
    short U.
    
    >M

    The next 600+ lines are the complete limericks, compressed, from notes
    705.1 through 705.406.


    There once was a writer from Spit Brook
    Who had a hand (he used) for a hook,
	'Stead of a hook for a hand.
	But it had been planned,
    'Cept "handhook" for "handbook" was mistook.
    
    That mistaken writer from New Hampshire
    `What rhymes with "New Hampshire" is "hamster,"'
    Said he in his book
    (Worth hardly a look)
    Shows that he's above all quite a shamster.

    That mistaken writer from New Hampshire
    `What rhymes with "New Hampshire" is "hamster,"'
    Said he in his book
    (Worth hardly a look)
    "And if it doesn't, I don't give a damn, sir"

    There once was an elderly parrot
    Who wouldn't let anyone near it,
    To those who came close,
    It bit off their toes!
    Then continued to munch on a carrot.

    There once was a frog from Milwaukee
     Who loved to watch ice hockey
         Till his rear he did chill
         but o what a thrill
    When he stayed there all night reading Saki

    He was a bright engineer from Maynard
    Who wanted to work in a shipyard.
    He plumbed the Mill pond
    Till a fairy with a wand
    Said, "Go home!  You've been working too hard".
    
    There once was a WAF'er named Kallis,
    Who conjured limericks with malice,
        Sesquipedalian words
        were often observed 
    By Bob, Dave, Jon, and Alice.
    
        There once was a WAF'er named Kallis.
        Who conjured limericks with malice
        	Sesquipedalian words
        	Unknown to the herds
    	Showed erudition can also be callous.

    Tech writers can spell "engineering"
    And have used obscure words like "careering"
    With thesaurus in hand
    Making documents grand
    And even sometimes quite endearing.

    Along came a proud tech writer,
    Who everyone wished would be quieter,
        In a paperless office,
        'Bout which was a novice,
    Will now keep his lips a bit tighter.
    
    In a department nicknamed Field Circus,
    Worked a clown named McGurkus,
      All day and all night,
      Repairs were his plight,
    To systems gone down and bezerkus

        A MicroVAX system in Texas,
        Tried (so hard) to route and connect us,
        By a satelite link,         
        To London I think,
        By golly!! Send me their prospectus.

    There once was a company named Wang.
    Whose profits fell down and went "Bang!"
    	Frederick resigned
    	And politely declined
    To say any more than "gol dang."
    
        There once was a company named Wang.
        Whose profits fell down and went "Bang!"
        Off to bankruptcy court
        Went those who sold short
        Unemployment is all that this brang.

    for i = 1 to 10 do
    raise bar to power of foo
    	extract the square root,
    	shut down and reboot
    for i = 1 to 10 do .....
    
    There once was a zany old chap
    And many a bug did he trap
     Till, on a programming spree,
     he found himself at C
    Now he's studying the linker's map.

    There once was a zany old chap
    And many a bug did he trap
    'Til an omniverous ant
    Made him try to recant
    Now he has a halo on his cap.

        A bunch of green women from Mars
        Made really sub-par candy bars.
        M&M's they did paint...
        Adding poisons to taint.
        Now their spending their time behind bars.

	A tomato-paste sandwich in Tobins
	As red as hemoglobin
		When broken in two
		Fell on my shoe
        Now on, I'll eat at Baskin Robbins!

        I love total lunar eclipses.
        I toast them with simple wine sipses.
        When Earth's shadow is cast.
    	I know 'tis the last
	So let's end with a set of ellipses...

        'Tis late on a Friday afternoon.
        The workweek will really end soon.
        	Then away we'll all go
    		With a wild do-si-do
	A brief respite will prove quite a boon!

     A portly preoccupied panda
     Met up with a fish called Wanda
             so flat did he squish
             the fish on a dish
     That it now covers the floor of his veranda.

    An AIA called NAS from ZKO
    While at DEC saw a strange UFO,
     He described the night sky
     To the BOS FBI,
    So they made him the new CEO.

        I saw a man dressed as a nun,
        'twas plain his [poor] mind was undone.
        	It was just a bad habit
        	Denounced by the abbot
        But not before having his fun!

        There once was a man from Pawtucket
        Who kept all his data in a bucket
            Till the day that it spilled
            For which he was grilled
    	His reaction should not have been "**** it".                          
    
    A VP with french relocation
    Decided to go on vacation
    	She cruised up the Seine
        Then did it again
    'Cuz France is so pretty a nation

        A Yankee on visit to Wales
        Told the locals preposterous tales
             The stories he told
             Were so big and bold,
        In comparison the Pentateuch pales.


    The salesman who sold me this VAX
    Wrote down in his black filofax:
    	"What a clown I have found."
         If he ever comes 'round,
    He'll never admit to the facts.
    
    My system manager's grandson
    Was kidnapped for a small ransom
    	Of mega computes
        By some Big Bluish brutes
    They wanted ten CRAY-2's , and then some!

    A dasterdly dandy dubbed 'Dan'
    Drew up a most devious plan:
    	He plotted to pay pennies 
        When his duo dined at Dennys
    Wound up washing dishes by han'
    
    There once was a man named Ken Olson   
    And he certainly wasn't Ken Olsen
    	His wife brewed a pot
        Of coffee too hot
    "I wanted tea!", he said with revolson.

	There once was a vee-tee-two-twenty,
    	Whose set-up had options a-plenty
	When its options were toggled
	The mind, it was boggled
	...with terminal illness - lament we !

    The Digital people in Reading
    Were asked to go to a wedding
    The present they bought was..
    A pair of strong oxes
    And a cart full of hay for fresh bedding!
    
        The digital people in Reading
        were asked to go to a wedding
        The present they bought was
        A pair of strong oxes
    	They must have misheard what was said. In.
                            
    The bride and the goom were so thankful
    That they had for their transport a tankfull.
    Said the bridegroom of it,
    "Why don't we permit,
    "A limericist to fill in the blankfull?"
    
        The bride and the groom got a start,
	Each one taking a different part.
    		One piece from the dowry
                was excessively flow'ry
        So they left that behind in the cart.

    The honeymoon, taken in Orkney,
    Was short.  "It's better in York, 'oney."
    Said he.  Said she, "Bull.
    "It's just beautiful,
    "And now you can wait for the stork, 'oney."
    
    "Expecting a baby so soon?"
    he spluttered the followingnoon!
    "why,yes,'tis a fact...
    we *did* make contact"
    i must have forgot the balloons!!
    
    A programming lab found in Maine
    Would never write code called mundane
    	For the folk have a way
    	To seldom repay
    All those who would cause them some pain.

    A lovely young lass named Jessie
    Was so incredibly messey
    that her mother in pain
    cried again and again
    "Jess will you clean up your room before I freak!"

    A lovely young lass named' Jessie
    Said, "I have something I just must confessie ...
    "I adore custard pie
    But, the more that I buy,
    The more I look like a cow named Bessie
    
    There was a new driver in Boston,
    Poor transplanted cowboy from Austin,
    On a street marked one way
    Drove his old Chevrolet
    Downtown is where he is lost in.
    
    There was a new driver in Boston --
    Poor transplanted cowboy from Austin
    On a street marked one way,
    Drove his old Chevrolet;
    Horns of a dilemma was tossed on:
    
    The cop was just standing there grinnin     
    The driver, not knowin' who's watchin
    Turned 'round the old chevvy
    And crashed into a levy.
    And now he's paying insuran.

    A cop there spied him driving
    At the corner he was arriving
    'Turn left' said the cop
    So he crashed into a shop.
    His bail he now is contriving.

    The street ends in a corner
    He felt just like Jack Horner
    But instead of a plum
    He pulled in a museum
    Like a cartoon by the Brothers Warner

    It's so hard to write a good lim'rick
    When ev-er-y Tom Harry and Dick
    Compete[s] for the rhyme,
    Quite conscious of time
    Notes Collision is quite the trick

    It's so hard to write a good lim'rick  
    When every Tom, Harry and Dick
    Compete for the rhyme,
    Quite concious of time,
    And I am unable to type very quick.
                      
    A noter out here on the West Coast
    Had a terribly slow host.
    While waiting.... and waiting...
    And waiting ... and waiting ...
    She gradually turned into a ghost
    
    A well written ditty came forth,
    While the writer was draining a fifth.    ;-)
    She cried, "Hold on a second...
    "Don't you dare round third
    Remember you have to pass GO first!
    
    A writer with no sense of meter
    Had died, and said to St. Peter
    "Hold on there, now.  Wait!
    "Can I go through that gate,
    "If they find for my scan rate I've been a cheater?" :-D

    A writer with no sense of meter
    Is bothersom to the particularly well-informed and attentive reader
    But, try as (S)he might
    (S)he couldn't get it right
    All his/her friends couldn't either.
    
    There was a young jockey from Wales
    Who rode horses, which got him in gaols
      He thought it natural
      To ride "au natural"
    And to suffer the saddle nails!

    There was an odd fellow named Randy,
    That indulged himself always on candy,
    He once had so much
    That, in one sticky touch,
    New meaning he gave the word "handy".

    His hand, well it stuch very well there,
    And there, and there, and everywhere!
    The whole sticky mess
    Has been treated with success
    In the tarbaby tale of Rabbit, Brer.
    
    That rabbit was as clever as Roger,
    Who, once, from his wife, he did dodge her.
    For the she-rabbit could cuss
    But 'twas the old blunderbuss
    That he had quite a logical fear.
    
    George was a sailor at heart
    But he owned a horse asnd a cart
    In fair or foul weather
    In fen or fine heather,
    He'd say, "Anchor's aweigh," when he'd start.
    
    There was a crustacean named Drew 
    Who came down with a terrible flu
    He started to sneeze
    "Oh! no," he said, "Please!
    "I don't have lungs.  Will gills do?"
    
    There once was a man with three eyes
    Who had an edge over conventional spies
    'til one day he saw
    A spy who had more
    Old four-eyes gave three-eyes a surprise!
    
    Four-eyes he took out his dagger
    And made short work of the blackguard
    But what he forgot
    Was that it didn't rhyme
    Which just made three-eyes madder and madder.
    
    Three-eyes, a terrible revenge he wanted,
    So eye number three he no longer flaunted.
    He popped in a monocle,
    (Which made him look comical)
    And searches for four-eyes undaunted.

    He found him at home there in Boston
    on a street that he nearly got lost on.
       4-Eyes' home he could see,
       and while shouting with glee,
    He got run over by a big truck

    In "Limerick Addition Football",
    The tales that they tell may be too tall,
    Yet nevertheless,
    We ne'er [do] digress,
    But they're more unique than any I recall.

    A DECie once worked in New Hamsha
    Having left old Iran and that damn Shah
    But the bold Ayatollah
    Said, "I must have your soul-ah".
    And now he's an infernal rancha.
                                    
    The centipede had many shoes.
    Too often he would them lose.
    His mother screamed, "Why?"
    "Because, might as I try,
    "I always misplace them by twos."
    
    There once was a little pirhana
    To the judge, said "Please, please, your honor,
        I ate not that swimmer
        She wasn't my dinner
    But she looked just like Lola Falana
    
        A small rainy cloud above Holland
        On a dam spied a cabbage patch doll, and
        With no further ado,
        I must rain upon you
        And don't let me hear any bawlin'.

    I used to like rhyming with poetry
    But lately, I am sad.  Woe is me!
    When looking for words
    That don't seem absurds
    I butcher the previous note entry.

        There once was a silly old orange
        That was sectioned and put on a porrange
            Its juice ran amok
            It flooded my truck
        I still miss that silly old orange.

    There once was a skater on Saturn
    Who cut in a crater a pattern
    He made lots of rings
    And other neat things
    Not _those_ though (a mind like a slattern)
    
    The skater went on and past Neptune
    While humming a catchy and hep tune
      	He stopped on Uranus
	To sing "Adoremus"
    He saw two new lunae and kept une.

    "What's next?", he thought.  "Oh, yes, there's Pluto."
    As deep into space he did shoot, "Oh.."
    I'd better turn left
    For this space is bereft
    And the rest of the tale it is moot-o
    
    There was a new trav'ler in our galaxy
    Who was overcome by a fit of ecstasy
       when first he saw Triton
       He said, "How excitin'!"
    Triton was never considered so sexy.

    Our traveler traveled to Venus.
    The Venusians thought, "He's seen us!
      And our life is silicon,
      It is always such silly fun,
    Forever he'll wish he could've been us!"

    ~ - ~ ~ - ~ ~ - ~
    ~ - ~ ~ - ~ ~ - ~
    ~ - ~ ~ -
    ~ - ~ ~ -
    ~ - ~ ~ - ~ ~ - ~ 
    
    ~ = unstressed
    - = stressed

    He stopped on an asteroid
    To a rock his ship he toyed        
    But the asteroid crumbled
    And his gyros, they tumbled
    The crumble it rendered him schizoid.

    Oh, how I love eating the chocolate.
    Whether in box or in boxlet.
    Just gimme a cherry
    A rasp or straw berry
    While I soar aloft in my biz-jet.

    He was amused by a quaint bumpersticker
    Causing him to grin, giggle, then snicker.
    	Its meaning was clear
    	As it made the car's rear
    An object of mirth for the trickster.
    
    The bumper was seen by the bishop
    Who immediately came to a full stop
    And afterwards he
    Wrote to the Holy See
    To share the amusing malaprop.
    
    The pope was not so amused
    But thought the bishop excused
    	Because of the way
        The translation did say,
    "Bishop, you have just been used"

    The bishop thought it was trollope
    The child though[t] it was lollipop
       But no one knew
       Just what she would do
    Whether lick it or suck it or whallop

    Do you remember that family in Reading?
    The man's hairline was receding.
    	They say it was caused
    	Because the guy paused
    Before he had time to set netting.
    
    The bald guy was told by his wife:
    "Without any hair there's no life,
    	There's nowt to brush,
    	and nowt so plush,
    But I see that not all is sans life."
                                  
    The poet was chastised for lewdness
    But he responded with humorous shrewdness:
    	"Sometimes poems lubricious
    	Are perhaps not judicious
    But never they are fully fruitless."

    All right people, let's not mess up the rhyme and meter on this one!
    It's great pleasure, just to try it and find out, something is well done!
    	But no matter how hard we try to make it rhyme and scan
        Not even supercalifragilisticexpialidocious can
    make any sense of this pathetic attempt. Add MEANING, then it's more fun.
                                                                    
    There once was a young lady from Kent,
    Who was found attractive by many a gent.
    One evening in Lewes
    She took off her shoes
    Plus enough else to earn money for rent!
    
    The young lady from Kent was ambitious,
    And her wares, on display, looked delicious!
        The lads gave her money
        Which she thought was funny
    [You're all waiting for something lubricious]

    A young man (a Kentishman also)
    Asked, "What makes autumn leaves so?"
    	"Is it some lack of sap?
	"Or do they take a nap
    And in April awake alfresco?"

        These limericks are making me sick
        'Cause my mind is no longer as quick
                I try and I try
                While I sigh and I cry
	[Take your choice of one of the following four lines.]
    	Other noters all think that I'm thik
    	I never can quite get the truck
    	A lime never seems to quite rick
    	Of these lines you can all take your pick
    
    A noter with vee ess two thousand...
    Was chewing his cud like some cows, and
    As he moved his mouse
    He felt like a louse
    When he entered note 396.10,000.

        There was a Swede from Minnesota
	Biked Dakota on her Jota moter,
    		From St. Paul to Pierre
    		She sat on her rear
    	And wished she had bought a Toyota

    Anybody can fly with an engine
    Anybody you'd care to mention
      But it's more often
      On a DC-10             [ that's called an eye-rhyme I think ]
    That de seats are effete from de clenchin'.
    
	A few folk can fly with a broom.
	(Don't ask them to sweep up the room.)
	(lest you be turned to a newt!)
	((or something less cewt))
        (((Oops! This limerick went up in fume...)))

    An astronaut passing by Spit Brook
    From his shuttle did take a look
    Much to his surprise
    He read, "Mission, revise
    There's no intelligent life in Spit Brook."
    
    A great musician named Sonny
    Used to play minor tunes that were funny.
    One of them went,
    And paid the rent
    Now Sonny has plenty of money.
    
    The LPS40 won't print
    And the floppy drive's covered with lint
    So what should I do
    If the maintenance crew
    Is as slow as the government?

    Here lie's an old fellow named Burt
    He knew that the truth couldn't hurt.
    So he told his dear wife,
    "It's that time of my life
     to lie 6 feet down in the dirt."

    I answered the phone and heard
    What sounded a lot like a bird
    It started to twill
    Which gave me a thrill
    Despite the toll charges incurred.    

    The prof was mathematics discoursing
    The ire of his students was he incurring
         The square root of 'i'
         From none could he pry
    And a pi in the eye got him cursing.

    He punished them all with a spot quiz
    On limerick-meter series! Quite a whiz ...
    The answers of course
    Had all of the force
    Of, anapestically, a "root beer fizz"!

    The old prof now angrily averred
    I'll have that lad, by my word!
    He can't extract roots
    Sans others in cahoots
    Perhaps he will never be cured.
    

    There once was a Platz called Potsdamer
    Some people went there to jammer
    	They talked up a storm
    	Some called it bad form
    Akin to the Kids Katzenjammer
    
    [The Katzenjammer Kids were cartoon characters of Germanic descent,
    if you are old enough to remember.]
    
    Those people are new to free speech

    Those people are new to free speech
    'Tho banned still are Chong anda Cheech



INverted name of PERverted comedy team

"anda" as in Lawrence Welk (and to keep some semblance of meter)

    
    
    Those people are new to free speech
    'Tho banned still are Chong anda Cheech
          But _Playboy_s will appear
          On the stands, and you'll hear,

    
    In Erin, the beer may be green,

    Those people are new to free speech
    'Tho banned still are Chong and a  Cheech
          But _Playboy_s will appear
          On the stands, and you'll hear,
    "Please don't keep them out of reach".
    

	This note should be used just for L.A.F.ing

    
        This note should be used just for L.A.F.ing
        And not for a form of verb-gaffing
        

        This note should be used just for L.A.F.ing
        And not for a form of verb-gaffing
    		Word-play is fun
    		For play in the sun

    This note should be used just for L.A.F.ing
    And not for a form of verb-gaffing
            Word-play is fun
            For play in the sun
    But please don't use it while showering.
    
    
    Being liberal with words can be fun
    

    Being liberal with words can be fun
    Though conservative people will run

    Being liberal with words can be fun
    Though conservative people will run
    As we try hard to pun

    
    
    Being liberal with words can be fun,
    Though conservative people will run.
       As we try hard to pun,
       We sometimes come undone
    When risque constructions we shun.
    
    

    
    
    A lecherous codger from Maine

        
    A lecherous codger from Maine
    Caught flashing, was asked to explain
    

    A lecherous codger from Maine
    Caught flashing, was asked to explain
    "Well, you see, officer,
    I just wanted to show her

    If you are a Boy Scout, of a brave and daring kind...
    And you've run into a Girl Scout, from behind...




Tom Lehrer had a song about this, too.

Dave C.

    "...if you're looking for adventure
    Of a new and different kind
    And you happen upon a Girl Scout
    Who is similarly inclined,
      Don't be nervous,
      Don't be flustered,
      Don't be scared - 
    BE PREPARED!"
    
            - Tom Lehrer

    
    
    "I just met a German from over the Wall 
    "Who questioned me about Lucille Ball."    

    I just met a German from over the Wall
    Who questioned me about Lucille Ball.
    So to her I said,
    Did you know that she's dead

    I just met a German from over the Wall
    Who questioned me about Lucille Ball.
    So to her I said,
    Did you know that she's dead
    "No, but is Desi taking it well at all?"

    Ah, yes, that old TV show Lucy

    
    
    Ah, yes, that old TV show Lucy
    Leads to trivia questions abstruse.  "See,

    Ah, yes, that old TV show Lucy
    Leads to trivia questions abstruse.  "See,
        With Ethel and Fred

    Ah, yes, that old TV show Lucy
    Leads to trivia questions abstruse. "See,
        With Ethel and Fred
        She did not fear to tread
    After all in this case comedy is free."
    
    Comedy is here to stay

    
    Comedy is here to stay;
    Ope your eyes on any day

    Comedy is here to stay;
    Ope your eyes on any day
    Here's a good one

    
    Anybody got an 8-syllable one-liner that rhymes with "stay"?
    
    Comedy is here to stay;
    Ope your eyes on any day
    Here's a good one
    That might be some fun:

    
    
>>    Anybody got an 8-syllable one-liner that rhymes with "stay"?
    
    Comedy is here to stay;
    Ope your eyes on any day
    Here's a good one
    That might be some fun:
    Ha-ha-ha, Ha-ha-ha - O K?
    

    
    Somedays it doesn't pay to get up
    

	re .877  "Somedays it doesn't pay to get up"
        
        Reply .876 had a new first line as its title:
        
================================================================================
Note 705.876               Limerick Addition Football                 876 of 877
LAMHRA::WHORLOW "Are you proud of Digital's compute" 10 lines  29-NOV-1989 21:54
                     -< There once was a trappist monk.. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        
        There once was a trappist monk..
        To the ladies he was quite a hunk.

    
    
    Somedays it doesn't pay to get up:
    Your guppies just won't gup.
    
    
    
        There once was a trappist monk..
        To the ladies he was quite a hunk.
            The men found him fine
            As a maker of wine

        There once was a trappist monk..
        To the ladies he was quite a hunk.
            The men found him fine
            As a maker of wine
        But his bear traps were merely junk.

(Oh, not that kind of trappist?)

    Somedays it doesn't pay to get up:
    Your guppies just won't gup.
    Hushpuppies just hush

            Somedays it doesn't pay to get up:
            Your guppies just won't gup.
            Hushpuppies just hush
            Your brains turn to mush.

    Somedays it doesn't pay to get up:
    Your guppies just won't gup.
    	Hushpuppies just hush
        Your brains turn to mush.
    So, "It's Monday," according to Gallup.
    
    "Monday's are bad," said the pollster	(One who does opinion polls.)

    
    
    "Monday's are bad," said the pollster	(One who does opinion polls.)
    "You lose all your change to the tollster." (One who collects tolls)
                                                

    
    "Monday's are bad," said the pollster	(One who gathers opinions)
    "You lose all your change to the tollster." (One who gathers tolls)
    "To the taxman you give"			(One who gathers everything)

    "Mondays are bad," said the pollster        (One who gathers opinions)
    "You lose all your change to the tollster." (One who gathers tolls)
    "To the taxman you give"                    (One who gathers everything)
    "As if your pockets were a sieve,"          (One that passes liquidity)

    "Mondays are bad," said the pollster        (One who gathers opinions)
    "You lose all your change to the tollster." (One who gathers tolls)
    "To the taxman you give"                    (One who gathers everything)
    "As if your pockets were a sieve,"          (One that passes liquidity)
    "You need a weekend your morale to bolster."(One that supports pillow-wise)

    On the other hand, Friday's are better

    
    
    On the other hand, Friday's are better
    If Robinson Crusoe's the netter.

    On the other hand, Friday's are better
    If Robinson Crusoe's the netter.
    It's better than Thursday,
    And Wednes-, Tues- and Monday,

    On the other hand, Friday's are better
    If Robinson Crusoe's the netter.
    It's better than Thursday,
    And Wednes-, Tues- and Monday,
    I just hope the weekends not wetter.
    
    Look in the mirror and what do you see

        
    Look in the mirror and what do you see
    When I looked I'm sure I saw me

    
    Look in the mirror and what do you see?
    When I looked I'm sure I saw me.
         But if you're a Queen
         Filled with envy green...
    

    Look in the mirror and what do you see?
    When I looked I'm sure I saw me.
         But if you're a Queen
         Filled with envy green...
    Then Snow White is the one that you'll see
    
    There was a young Prince named Charming

    There was a young Prince named Charming
    With an incongruous aspect alarming

    There was a young Prince named Charming
    With an incongruous aspect alarming
      All the ladies did say
      When you see him, make way
    Because all he talks about is farming.

    A Santa I saw while shopping,

     
    
    A Santa I saw while shopping,
    From his big chopper was hopping,   

     
    
    A Santa I saw while shopping,
    From his big chopper was hopping,   
         His sleigh's covered with dust
         And it's starting to rust

      A Santa I saw while shopping,
        From his big chopper was hopping,
             His sleigh's covered with dust
             And it's starting to rust
      No more will his deer go clip-clopping :-(
    
    
    'twas Christmas eve in the workhouse..

    
    
    'Twas Christmas eve in the workhouse..
    The only thing left was a churchmouse.
      

        'Twas Christmas eve in the workhouse..
        The only thing left was a churchmouse.
        	The mouse was not stirring.

        'Twas Christmas eve in the workhouse..
        The only thing left was a churchmouse.
        	The mouse was not stirring.
                But *some*thing was purring

    'Twas Christmas Eve in the workhouse.
    The only thing left was a churchmouse.
    	The mouse was not stirring.
    	But *some*thing was purring
    The cat was aware of his purpose.
    
    
    "Hark!", the herald Angels sing,

    "Hark!", the herald Angels sing,
    The Boss is out Christmas shop-ping,

    
    
    "Hark!", the Herald Angels sing,
    The Boss is out Christmas shop-ping,
        "For the _Globe_," said one;          [The _Boston Globe_ is
        "Egads, we're undone!"                [rival to the _Boston Herald_] 

    "Hark!", the Herald Angels sing,
    The Boss is out Christmas shop-ping,
        "For the _Globe_," said one;          [The _Boston Globe_ is
        "Egads, we're undone!"                [rival to the _Boston Herald_] 
    That "angel" was a police sting.
    
    A Chrsitmas in Oz is very sunny

    
    A Christmas in Oz is very sunny;
    The lion and scarecrow distribute gift money.

    
        A Christmas in Oz is very sunny;
        The lion and scarecrow distribute gift money.
        you get hot under the collar,
        As you wait for your dollar
    
    
With passing apologies etc, but wouldn't
    
     A Christmas in Oz is very sunny;
        The emu and kangaroo  distribute gift money.
       
                                        be more associatively correct?
        

    
        A Christmas in Oz is very sunny;
        The lion and scarecrow distribute gift money.
        you get hot under the collar,
        As you wait for your dollar
    	When instead you get emeralds--not funny!
    
    Re .907:
    The Oz I read about in books doesn't say anything about emus and
    kangaroos.  (Talking chickens, people with pumpkin heads, and wheels
    instead of hands and feet, yes.  Emus and kangaroos, no.)
    
    Then again, I've never found that Oz on a map (or any other one, for
    that matter :-)

     A Christmas in Oz is very sunny;
     The emu and 'roo distribute gift money.
    
    
    Actually, when I started that one, I was thinking
    of Australia and not the Wizard of Oz.

    
     A Christmas in Oz is very sunny;
     The emu and 'roo distribute gift money.
        Platypi sit on eggs
        A Koala bear begs

     A Christmas in Oz is very sunny;
     The emu and 'roo distribute gift money.
        Platypi sit on eggs
        A Koala bear begs
    And Pooh Bear consumes Roo's share of honey.
    
    Platypi and papyri are different

    
    Platypi and papyri are different;
    The latter are paper (not parchment).

    
        Platypi and papyri are different;
        The latter are paper (not parchment).
        The former lay eggs
        and have poisonous legs
    
    
    
      

        Platypi and papyri are different;
        The latter are paper (not parchment).
        The former lay eggs
        and have poisonous legs
	And their bills are for eating (not payment).

	Platypi gen'rally argue

    
    Platypi gen'rally argue
    If as a species they are few.    

    
    
        Platypi gen'rally argue
        If as a species they are few.
        It'd be a safe bet
        if together they'd get
        

        Platypi gen'rally argue
        If as a species they are few.
        It'd be a safe bet
        if together they'd get
    	they'd make love, not war--wouldn't you?
    
    	It is said that efts do have feelings

    	It is said that efts do have feelings
	And that they're bereft of appealings
	To the baser emotions

    
    
       It is said that efts do have feelings
       And that they're bereft of appealings
       To the baser emotions
       and to potable potions,
       So why are they staring at ceilings?
    
    
      The computer industry's shaky,

    
      The computer industry's shaky,
      And California is quaky. 

      The computer industry's shaky,
      And California is quaky. 
      So don't buy that new Mac

    
          The computer industry's shaky,
          And California is quaky.
          So don't buy that new Mac
          an' send the old one back
          and blame San Andreas - he's flakey
    
    
    
          There once was a new gnu at the zoo
    
        

	There once was a new gnu at the zoo
    	Who flew from the flu near the flue

    
        There once was a new gnu at the zoo
    	Who flew from the flu near the flue.
             Thought he was a fly.
             And his keeper said, "My!
        

    There once was a new gnu at the zoo
    Who flew from the flu near the flue
    But he'll be alright
    If he doesn't suffer the bite
    

        There once was a new gnu at the zoo
    	Who flew from the flu near the flue.
             Thought he was a fly.
             And his keeper said, "My!
    	That gnu didn't know what he knew."

    There once was a new gnu at the zoo
    Who flew from a gnat with the flu
	He'll not be alright
	If he suffers a bite
    From the gnat who knew the gnu knew.
    
    The gorilla was mighty and rough

    
    
    The gorilla was mighty and rough
    And her keeper  was equally tough.

    The gorilla was mighty and rough
    And her keeper was equally tough.
    	They had a long fight
    	Finding who had the right

    To play nude lacrosse in the buff.
    
    
    
    Have you seen the tee shirts which say:
    
    	Nude co-ed lacrosse
    	Rough tough and in the buff

    
    
    Re: -1
    
    
    Some play lacrosse in the buff,
    In shade, this isn't too  tough.

    Some paly lacrosse in the buff,
    In shade, this isn't too tough,
    Don't run too much
    Or you'll end up with a crutch,
    

    Some paly lacrosse in the buff,
    In shade, this isn't too tough,
    Don't run too much
    Or you'll end up with a crutch,
    Your crosse will be just enough.

    There once was a baloney sandwich

    
    There once was a baloney sandwich
    With lettuce and mayo and ham, which

    There once was a baloney sandwich
    With lettuce and mayo and ham, which
      Gave salmonella
      To some unfortunate fella

    There once was a baloney sandwich
    With lettuce and mayo and ham, which
      Gave salmonella
      To some unfortunate fella
    That caused an upset stomach and itch.
    
    A young doctor, when seeing this case,

    A young doctor, when seeing this case,
    With no 'sperience on which to base            (1)
         A meaningful RX
         Fed him some Zarex                        (2)
    And then had to clean up the place.            (3)


    The fella, then feeling a bit better

Dave C.
---

(1)  For you purists out there, yes, you do use an 's' and not an 'x' when
you indicate the word 'experience' without it's first syllable, because,
you'll remember, that 'x' is a "double consonant".

(2)  I haven't seen it around in years, but Zarex is a concentrated
fruit-like drink syrup, a little sweeter than Kool-Aid, but in liquid
form.

(3)  Yuck.

    The fella, then feeling a bit better
    Wanted a drink a bit wetter

    
    The fella, then feeling a bit better,
    Wanted a drink a bit wetter.
      So he went to a bar
      And had too much by far:
    So he barked at a young Irish Setter.

    
    While turning a barbecue spit,

    While turning a barbecue spit,
    Joe suffered an epileptic fit

    While turning a barbecue spit,
    Joe suffered an epileptic fit
    His hot dog - it roasted

    While turning a barbecue spit
    Joe suffered an epileptic fit
      His hot dot - it roasted
      And his buns, they were toasted
    
    

    
    
    While turning a barbecue spit
    Joe suffered an epileptic fit
      His hot dog - it roasted
      And his buns, they were toasted
    And since then Joe never could sit

    
    Well, here's to the season that's in it

    Well, here's to the season that's in it
    Let's hope it lasts more than a minute.

    
    Well, here's to the season that's in it
    Let's hope it lasts more than a minute.
        And may Santa Claus
        Put into your paws

    Well, here's to the season that's in it
    Let's hope it lasts more than a minute.
        And may Santa Claus
        Put into your paws
    Something more than DNA recombinant.

    
    On Christmas, there once was an elf

    On Christmas, there once was an elf
    Who would hide his gifts upon a shelf
    

Hit NEXT unless you want to see my out-of-place comment.

Dave C.



Wow, Elf and Shelf in one note!  Now there are two useful programs that
I really miss.

    On Christmas, there once was an elf
    Who would hide his gifts upon a shelf
           He would toil away,
           Then load up his sleigh,

    On Christmas, there once was an elf
    Who would hide his gifts upon a shelf
           He would toil away,
           Then load up his sleigh,
    The deliver them all by himself.

    
    The New Year comes to us at twelve.

    The New Year comes to us at twelve.
    Into the Cheer you must delve.
    

    The New Year comes to us at twelve.
    As in the Cheer we all delve.
    	Some don't come out
    	While others shout

    The New Year comes to us at twelve.
    As in the Cheer we all delve.
    	Some don't come out
    	While others shout
    "Another year on the (hic) shelve!"        ;-)

    The Northeast is snowy and cold,

	i.     The Northeast is snowy and cold,
    	ii.
    	iii.
    	iv.
    	v.	I'm so glad I Colorado'd.	[Any noun can be verbed.]

	i.     The Northeast is snowy and cold,
    	ii.
    	iii.
    	iv.
    	v.	I'm so glad I Colorado'd.	[Any noun can be verbed.]

	i.     The Northeast is snowy and cold,
	ii.	Doing v before ii is real bold.

    >>	i.     The Northeast is snowy and cold,
    >>	ii.
    >>	iii.
    >>	iv.
    >>	v.	I'm so glad I Colorado'd.	[Any noun can be verbed.]
    
     >	i.     The Northeast is snowy and cold,
     >	ii.	Doing v before ii is real bold.

    

    
	i.     The Northeast is snowy and cold,
	ii.	Doing v before ii is real bold.
        iii.    The trick, we observed:
        iv.     "Any noun can be verbed."
  	v.	I'm so glad I Colorado'd.
    
    1. A Native of Nashua, angry

    
    1. A Native of Nashua, angry
    2. Bared teeth, becoming quite fangry.

    1. A Native of Nashua, angry
    2. Bared teeth, becoming quite fangry.
       "Why do those Taxachusers
       Drive up here like boozers!!!"

    A Native of Nashua, angry
    Bared teeth, becoming quite fangry.
    	"Why do those Taxachusers
	Drive up here like boozers??!!!"
    The liquor store here sells sangaree.
    
    [sangaree: n. A sweet, chilled beverage made of wine or other alcoholic
    liquor and grated nutmeg.]
    
    Why do those Mass. State troopers

    
    Why do those Mass. State troopers
    Just lust for vehicular bloopers?

    Why do those Mass. State troopers
    Just lust for vehicular bloopers?
      The tickets they write
      Give them such a delight

    Why do those Mass. State troopers
    Just lust for vehicular bloopers?
      The tickets they write
      Give them such a delight
    When given to nincompoopers.
    
    
    I can't think what first line to use,       :-)

    I can't think what first line to use,
    And want so much to thrill and amuse,

    
    I can't think what first line to use,
    And want so much to thrill and amuse,
           That I drop in a quote
           That someone else wrote.

    I can't think what first line to use,
    And want so much to thrill and amuse,
           That I drop in a quote
           That someone else wrote.
    Not caring should they then me accuse.




    A plagiarist wrote the first line


Dave C.

    
        A plagiarist wrote the first line
        A copy of words warm and sublime

    
        A plagiarist wrote the first line
        A copy of words warm and sublime.
                But that shoddy word thief
                At last came to grief
        

            A plagiarist wrote the first line
            A copy of words warm and sublime.
                    But that shoddy word thief
                    At last came to grief
    	   And now he's pushing up thyme.
    
    The Panamanian Maximum Leader

    The Panamanian Maximum Leader
    Is now in prison.  Hardly a reader

    
    The Panamanian Maximum Leader
    Is now in prison.  Hardly a reader.
         But with Penthouse and tapes,  
         He will look at the shapes
    

    
    The Panamanian Maximum Leader
    Is now in prison.  Hardly a reader.
         But with Penthouse and tapes,  
         He will look at the shapes
    And then he'll go free, the cheater.
    
    
    The Imperial Amerikan Army

    The Imperial Amerikan Army,
    Is certainly a false alarmy

    
    The Imperial Amerikan Army,
    Is certainly a false alarmy
       But political hacks
       Use the term for attacks

    The Imperial Amerikan Army,
    Is certainly a false alarmy
       But political hacks
       Use the term for attacks
    And calls for one-sided disarmy.
    
    [Note .980 seems to be stuck with the write in progress.]
    
    Rumania was followed by Panama

    Rumania was followed by Panama
    A style of hat worn by pa, not ma